Turning Down Your Emotional Thermostat

What do you do when you get upset? When someone does something that irritates you? How do you turn down your temperature emotionally speaking? On Today's podcast we talk about one way to regulate to help regulate your emotions when you get upset.

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast Working on Amazing. This is the podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life.

And I am using the word rebuild because we're specifically designed for women who feel like they're starting over in the middle of their life.

Now, I think starting over can mean a lot of different things, but just as an example for me, that looked like divorce after a 20-year marriage. And for my sister, it looked like the very unexpected death of her spouse.

For you, it's probably something totally different. But the commonality, I believe, is when all your hopes, all your dreams, all your plans for the future have gone up in smoke. The rug has been pulled out from under your feet.

And it really does. It feels like you have to start over. And if that's you, I just, from the bottom of my heart, want to truly say, I'm sorry.

I know how overwhelming and just horrible that feels. But I am here to offer hope. I'm here to offer encouragement.

I'm here to tell you it gets so much better. Countless women have gone through this exact process and come out on the other side better for it. We just need to talk about it.

We need to encourage each other and give each other the cliff notes of how it worked. You are not alone. You're actually in the right place.

So welcome, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. Now, if you'll remember in the beginning, I said I focused on five areas when I rebuilt my life.

I focused on my spiritual health. I focused on my mental health. I focused on my physical health, my financial health, and growth and goals.

And I said each podcast would fall under one, at least one of those categories. Sometimes they overlap, right? Well, today, we're going to talk about mental health.

And we're going to talk about what to do when you get really upset, kind of like when you get triggered, right? When somebody does something that just sets you off. Now, I think there are a lot of tools that we can use in those situations.

So today, we're just going to talk about one of them. It's not the only tool you could use. It's a tool to use, something to think about when you get upset.

So let's say you get cut off in traffic. Let's say potentially someone that lives under the same roof as you didn't put the dishes in the dishwasher. They left dirty dishes out in the sink.

Maybe at work, a co-worker took something off your desk without asking. Okay, sometimes something happens, and we're going along okay, and then suddenly it's like the temperature rises. When this event happens, it's like we run hot really quick.

Does that make sense what I'm saying? That suddenly that incident, whatever it is, gets us really mad really quick. I think this is especially true for women who are going through this big transition in life where it feels like you're starting over.

I feel like when you feel like you're starting over, your emotional bandwidth is at maximum capacity. All your emotions are caught up in the events that made it feel like you're having to start over.

You just don't have a lot of extra emotional give in that bandwidth. Now, in a different season, it's different.

But in this season where you are just emotionally maxed out, something happens and it can be really easy for the temperature to rise really, really quick emotionally speaking.

And I think that having some tools, thinking about it ahead of time, and if we are able to self-regulate our temperature, if we're able on our own to turn the temperature down, that's a good thing, okay?

Because things are going to happen that we have no control over. The person is going to cut us off in traffic.

Somebody is going to do something or say something, and it's annoying maybe, or aggravating, or upsetting, but we have to control our emotional, internal thermostat, okay? So what is the tool that we want to talk about today?

Well, I want to talk about actions and intentions. And there's a saying that I think is really true, and you've probably heard it, that we judge other people by their actions, but we judge ourself by our intentions, right?

So when somebody cuts you off in traffic, you're judging that person by their action, and you get really upset. However, have you ever cut somebody off in traffic?

Have you ever been running late, or in a hurry, or maybe you just didn't see them, they were in your blind spot, and you didn't realize until you moved over that, oh my gosh, you just cut somebody off.

Has that ever happened to you, where you've been the person? And how do you justify it? Well, you know your intention.

I didn't mean to, I just totally didn't see them, or, oh my gosh, this major thing was happening. I had to get from point A to point B. I had no time.

So the idea here is when something happens, when somebody does something that really is upsetting, that we take a moment, and we say, if that were me, what intention could I have had that would have led to that action?

How would I have justified it to myself if I did the same thing? So, a coworker comes and takes your favorite pen or the stapler off your desk or whatever.

And that just kind of irritates you, and it puts you in a bad mood, and it rises the temperature, right? Like you start running hot, emotionally speaking. Would you have ever done that?

What would the intention be if you did that? Well, my boss needed me to do something. They had that, and they were away from their desk, and I didn't have a chance to ask them or tell them what I was doing.

But I was working on a project, and I really needed that at the moment. How would you justify it? I think the idea is not the purpose of this practice, is not to figure out the exact reason why somebody is doing what they're doing.

Okay? I mean, maybe you do, and that's good, I guess. But when somebody cuts you off in traffic or something happens along those lines, you may never know why that person did that.

The purpose is to give room for grace. If you could see yourself making the same action, whether you are correct or not in figuring out why that person did it, it just gives a little space for grace.

It brings down your internal emotional temperature, just a few degrees. When you can start coming up with ideas, thoughts, reasons why they might have made that particular action.

Maybe they were running to the hospital because they had gotten some really bad news. Maybe they just didn't see you. And when somebody makes an honest mistake, it takes the sting out of it, right?

I mean, when you feel like they cut you off because they were just being a jerk, that's totally different than when you realize, oh, they didn't see me. It's okay, I understand. I mean, pay better attention, but I kind of get it, right?

And so when we start coming up with ideas, and we could see ourself making those actions, the actions that have upset you, we can put ourself in a scenario where we could make those actions, and how would we justify it?

So, I just want to help us get to the point where we can see the possibility of other people, the things that they've done, giving them good intentions, instead of just judging their actions.

If you think about it, most of the time when you get upset by something somebody's done, you do, you talk about their actions. You, they did this, they did that. And that is our sense of justice that rises up inside us.

I think that's in human nature, this overwhelming sense of justice, right? And that was wrong, and they shouldn't have done that. And I hear you, but the truth is, we have all made mistakes, right?

We've all done something that could be interpreted as not so great, if somebody just looked at our actions. We are such great lawyers for ourselves. We can explain why we made that decision, but we don't give other people that grace.

Sometimes we're just the judge and jury for other people. And we treat it very clinically, like, no, that was wrong. Everybody who does that is wrong.

But when it's us who makes that choice, well, let me tell you what happened. And we explain it. So today, the tool that I'm talking about is just taking a moment and coming up with three reasons why somebody might have made that action.

Three reasons that you could see yourself doing the same thing and ending up with the same action. How would you justify it if it was yourself that had done that?

Cut somebody off of traffic, taken something off of co-workers' desks, left dishes out, you know, dirty dishes at the house. Why would you have done that?

And sometimes just taking that moment and trying to come up with, I mean, I say three different things, come up with three different reasons. I think three is a good number. So come up with a few different ideas.

Brainstorm. Why might they have made this action? What was their intention potentially?

And it doesn't matter if you're right. It doesn't matter hitting the nail on the head. It doesn't matter being correct.

It matters what's happening internally in you. This tool, this idea, just taking a moment and stepping back and trying to see it from a different point of view literally turns your emotional thermostat down.

It just gives space for somebody to potentially have done something not to offend you, not to just tick you off and get you mad, but to start getting the space to see it from, oh, that could have made sense why they did that.

Or maybe, yeah, it was a little unthoughtful, but they were this or that or the other, right? So we're giving space for the possibility that their intention wasn't negative towards you.

And as we do that, whether the ideas we come up with are right or wrong, that just turns down that internal thermostat. So something happened, we run really hot, we get mad like, oh my gosh, I can't believe they just did that. But we pause.

And that's the hard part to do. I mean, I'm not even going to lie. When we get really upset, it's hard to step back and take a beat.

I know that, I'm aware of that. I'm not trying to say, this is easy. But if you can get yourself to pause, to take a step back from that big, overwhelming emotion, and to say, okay, maybe why would they have done that?

What was their intention? How would they explain it? How would I explain it if I did those exact same actions?

That's just allowing yourself to calm down. That's allowing the temperature to cool off internally, emotionally. Learning to control your internal emotional thermostat is a big part of rebuilding an amazing life.

If you are always at the whim of your emotion, you're never going to build the life, you truly deserve and want.

If emotions bang you back and forth, you go from highs to lows, and you have no control over it, it's going to be hard to control your life. It's going to be hard to set yourself on a path for success.

Learning to control that internal thermostat is pivotal. And there are many tools that we can use when we get really upset, okay? This is just one.

But I feel like it's really, really relatable, because I feel like without intending to, oftentimes, we're just a touch hypocritical. And we all can fall into this category, where I can explain my actions, but I judge you just on your actions.

I don't give you a chance to explain. I don't give you the chance to talk about your intentions. I judge you on your actions.

And while I can wax eloquently about why I chose to do it, I don't give you that grace and that opportunity. And take it the moment to extend to others what we give ourselves, the possibility of intention.

Like, let me think, what could your intention have been? What was going through your head? How would you explain that action?

Giving other people that grace benefits not just them, but it benefits you greatly. You're the one who benefits from this. It's very, very similar to forgiveness.

You're like, we're the ones who benefit from forgiveness, not the person we're forgiving. I mean, they may benefit from it, yes, but we do it for our own internal self, right? We don't want to live in resentment, in bitterness, in anger.

And letting go of that helps us. This is very, very similar, okay? So when we look at something that somebody's done, that's offended us, and we just pick up offense and anger right away, that's human nature.

But when we take a moment to say, now what, perhaps, was the intention there? Let me extend a little bit of grace here, like I would give to myself.

When we take that moment, yes, it potentially benefits that other person, but I need you to understand that you reap the biggest benefit. The biggest reward is what it does to you internally. It's you learning to control that emotional thermostat.

So things happen, and we do. We get upset, and we have no control over what other people do, and the things that happen. So you're driving down the road, you have no control if somebody's gonna cut you off.

And there are people you do life with, whether they're coworkers, or people that live under your roof, or extended family. You don't have control over the things that they do that may or may not offend you. But we do have control over our response.

And before we respond with something negative, before we burn a bridge, before we say something and escalate the situation, like something happens, and it's not good. But sometimes in our response is like throwing gasoline on a fire, right?

Sometimes just taking a moment and saying, okay, why? What might have caused them to do this? Can I understand this from their point of view?

That is where your power lies. It's not just giving everybody a pass for walking over you. That's kind of what I thought it was.

For the longest time, well, I can understand they did this. No, we're not giving people a pass for walking all over you. But we're refusing to let our emotions run rampant based off somebody else's actions.

We're taking a moment, and this is just one way to look at it from a different perspective to say, you know what? I'm not allowing my emotions to control me.

I'm going to think about how potentially they might have seen this from their point of view, what might their have intentions been, and I'm going to allow myself to calm down just to be, I'm going to give it some room to breathe.

You know, sometimes that's all it takes. It's just a little bit of space there.

Sometimes we realize, oh my goodness, in just knowing or potentially coming up with why somebody did that, somebody cut you off in traffic, and they're rushing to the hospital because they got a call that a loved one was in a horrible auto accident.

If you knew that, you would have like, of course, please come in front of me. You go first, right? If you would have known that, that it wouldn't have been something that upset you, you would have been like, yes, go, please, right?

Now, not always is it that dramatic, and that extreme. But when we make room for that, it does, it just turns thermostat down. It says, you know what?

I'm going to be in control of my thermostat. I don't know why they cut me off. I don't know why they left dirty dishes in the sink.

I don't know why my co-worker took something off my desk. And those are just benign examples. You live life, you know when things happen.

They can kind of really get you, and get you riled up, and get you upset. They just get under your skin. I've been there.

We're all human. I know what that feels like. And especially when I was in like that season of really coming to terms with the fact that I'd gotten divorced and I was a single mom, my emotional bandwidth was just so full.

I look back, and I think, oh my word, I would get upset easily at external things that were just dumb, right? And it didn't matter. But at the moment, I just had no more emotional give.

I had no more elasticity. I was stretched thin. There was nothing else.

I was full of emotion. And they were big and heavy and hard emotions. And so when somebody did something like cut me off, or they went when it wasn't their turn at the four-way stop.

Let me tell you, I laid on my horn like you wouldn't believe, and I embarrassed my children because it was at school drop-off, and there was a four-way stop right by their school. And people would not understand how to use the four-way stop.

And I felt like it was my responsibility to teach them. And so I was already just really upset, and somebody would go when it wasn't their turn, and I would lay on my horn, and I wouldn't stop. And my kids were like, Mom, Mom, enough.

My emotional bandwidth was at its limit. I needed to stop. I needed to say, why might they have gone?

Maybe they just were distracted and weren't keeping track of whose turn it was. Who got the four-way stop first? Maybe they were in a hurry.

Maybe a whole bunch of different things, right? But when I stop and think about that, instead of just staying in the moment where they went and it wasn't their turn at the four-way stop, that just really crawled under my skin.

When I stop and I take a moment to think why, really doesn't matter the why completely. What matters is that I stopped. And I gave that person a little bit of grace, like I would give myself grace.

And that's how we're trying to do. We're trying to regulate our internal emotional thermostat. Because when you learn to control that, you are gonna win in life.

The people who are victims to their emotions who are just blown about by every whim, they don't win the same way in life, okay? Because they can get knocked down so easily. Regulating your emotional thermostat is pivotal to building an amazing life.

And this is just one tool, okay? There are many, many tools that you can use to help you regulate that internal thermostat. But this is one.

Just putting yourself in that person's shoes and saying, what might their intentions have been?

And kind of break in the cycle of explaining your intentions but judging other people by their actions, and kind of giving other people a little bit of that grace that you give yourself, okay? That's just one way to regulate that internal thermostat.

What might their intentions have been? What would it have looked like from their point of view? If I made the exact same action, what would I need to do to explain why I did that?

Just give it a little bit of emotional space, a little bit of room to breathe, bring the temperature down internally. And I promise, this is going to put you on a path to being in control of your emotions. And that is winning in life.

I promise, I promise, I promise. And it's hard right now when there are so many emotions going on, and they're big, hairy, ugly emotions.

But if you can master this now, when you get through this really dark season, and you still have control and mastery of this, you're gonna be doing so good. You could be so, so proud of you. So let me know what your emotional struggles are.

What are you dealing with? You can find me online, www.workingonamazing.com. There's a place for you to drop me a line, leave me a note.

I would be love, love, love to hear from you, and happy to respond to what you have to share with me about how you're dealing with your emotional internal thermostat. You can also find me on social media.

I'm on most social media platforms, but I will say I do hang out on Facebook the most, and that's just a page called Working on Amazing. You can drop me a line there too. So reach out, stay in touch, I'll respond.

I would love to hear from you. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to talking to you next time.

Bye.