What's Your Identity? How You See Yourself Matters

How we see ourselves is SO important - so many of our behaviors and life choices flow from how we identify ourselves. It is a foundational element of who we are. Yet far too often we allow others carless words and negative circumstances to shape our identity without even thinking about it. Let's take a look at how we see ourselves and how the beliefs we hold about ourselves affect our behavior. Let's talk about how to take control back - to write what we believe our identity is instead of allowing others to write it for us.   

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast, Working on Amazing. This is the podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life. Now, in today's episode, we're gonna be talking about identity.

Our culture right now uses that word for a lot of things, but today I wanna talk about it in terms of how we see ourselves. So much of our behavior and what we do flows from the way we see ourselves.

And we don't always take the time to examine what truths, what do we really identify as, what is affecting all the behavior, and the outflow that creates our life stems from how we see ourselves. So let's take time to examine that today, all right?

Now, if you're new here, I just wanna say this podcast is designed for women who feel like they're starting over in the middle of their life.

That can mean different things for different people, but I will say for me, starting over looked like a divorce after a 20-year marriage. On the other hand, for my sister, it looked like the sudden, very unexpected death of her spouse.

And for you, it could be something completely different from those two things.

While these situations aren't the same, and I'm not comparing them, I think the common denominator is when all your hopes, all your dreams, all your plans for the future have gone up in smoke, the rug has been pulled out from under your feet.

Your day-to-day life suddenly looks completely different, and it does. It feels like you're starting over. If that's you, first of all, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say I'm sorry.

I know how overwhelming and just horrible that feels. But I'm here to offer hope. I'm here to offer encouragement.

I'm here to tell you it gets better. Countless women have gone through this process and come out on the other side better for it. You can too.

You are not alone. You're actually in the right place. So welcome.

I'm so glad you're here. Now, if you'll remember, in the very beginning, I said I focused on five areas when I rebuilt my life. I focused on my spiritual health, my mental health, my physical health, my financial health, and my growth and goals.

And I said every episode would fall under one of those categories. Well, today's episode literally touches all five categories. It truly, truly does.

I can think most likely put it under mental health, but it can fall under spiritual health, it could fall under growth, growth and goals. And how you see yourself also will definitely affect your physical and financial health.

So this is a big one today. Let's settle in and talk about this. I think we could do multiple podcasts on this one.

It's just a really big topic, and it's really important, and it's not something we talk about. And that is our identity. And it is a common term in today's culture, identity.

This is what I identify as. But I'm talking about it in a little bit different way, similar, but maybe different. I believe that we hold truths about ourselves that we don't even always acknowledge consciously.

And those truths that we believe about ourselves are our identity, and they affect our behavior and the outflow of who we become and what we are and what we do, okay? So, let's take it back and simplify it.

I like to start really simple so that we can understand the concept. So, let's look at children, okay? And maybe middle school, high school, you'll see this.

Not all children, but some kids really identify as a certain thing. Maybe they identify as a smart kid, right? And that totally affects their behavior.

The kid who identifies as the smart one is always going to be studying that you already kind of know pieces of their behavior.

You may not know all of them, but when you see how they identify and you get that, you kind of start to shape a part of how their behavior and attitude might flow, right? What about a kid who identifies as an athlete?

That's going to affect how they work out, what they prioritize. Sometimes they prioritize eating certain things, like they want protein shakes, they want this, they want that.

It becomes a piece of their identity to be very athletic, to work out, to go to the gym, run, whatever. That becomes a part of their identity. What about the kid who says, I'm funny, and they make everybody laugh?

And sometimes it gets them in trouble in class, right? But their identity has become the funny kid. And you can see so much just from knowing that one thing they identify as being the class clown, the funny one, right?

So we kind of see this in kids. And then what happens when you find a kid who maybe they identify as something really negative? Maybe they say, they're just not smart, they're a dummy, they're never going to get it.

And what kind of behavior do you see from that child? Sometimes they don't try, they don't turn in their homework, they don't try on a test, they just maybe Christmas tree the answers of its multiple choice.

You could tell because they're already saying, I'm not good enough, I'm not going to do it. What do you do with that child? You pull that child aside, you say, wait a minute, no, you are smart.

And you try to help them change how they see themselves. Because when you see yourself as something negative, your behavior and your outlook is negative, okay? So, we kind of see that snapshot in children or kids, right?

So, we don't talk about it anymore once we become adults, but it has a massive effect on us as adults. So, how do you identify? And not only how do you identify, how much did your major life change affect your identity?

So, if you're starting over, there was something major that shook up in your life, something that turned everything upside down, an event, a circumstance, and now, how does that play in to our identity?

So, we can change and adjust our identity throughout our life. We're not stuck and locked in to one thing. And you know that, you see that in kids, they evolve, they change.

One year or a few years, they're one way, and then they evolve into something else. They're finding themselves. As an adult, we can change too.

But this is a thing, as adults, in our identity. We stop thinking about how we identify as. What are we, the smart one, or this one, or that?

We don't think about that anymore. And we allow circumstances and things people said to shape our identity. And there is a line from Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts says it.

And she's talking to Richard Gere, and talking about the things that have happened to her. What led her to the life she leads in Pretty Woman, which is the life of a prostitute. And she says, the bad stuff is so much easier to believe.

And that is so true. So what forms our identity is the negative circumstances, and the bad things that people say about us, because it's so easy to believe.

And if we don't take the time to evaluate and look at how do we see ourselves, by default, our identity is going to be shaped by the negative things people have said, because that's so easy to believe, and that is 100% true, and the negative

circumstances that have happened to us. So for me, part of my identity was I was a wife, but then I got divorced. So who was I going to be now? So suddenly, instead of being a wife, I was a single mom.

And bless my heart, it was a hard luck story. I mean, I was struggling financially, I'd come out of this bad relationship where I'd been cheated on, and all these things had happened.

And so my identity in that season was a really negative, down identity, right? And so what I want us to see and take a minute to realize is that when we identify as something negative, our outflow of behavior is often negative.

So let's simplify this further. If I see myself as destitute, I'm just a single mom who can never get ahead. I am on the struggle bus, okay?

That is my identity. So let's give the scenario my paycheck hits. My paycheck hits my account, I'm destitute, I'm struggling.

What am I going to do if that is my identity? Who I see myself as? Well, I might get something nice to eat.

Let's go have a decent meal. We've been on the struggle bus and eaten, you know, whatever's been left over for the last couple of days. But now that money's in the account, let's get a good meal.

And you know what? There are those pair of shoes at the store I've really wanted. And while I don't have enough money to fully cover the shoes, too, I can put that on after pay.

I mean, I deserve to treat myself, don't you think? I've been on the struggle bus. So that is a scenario where my identity and that's the behavior outflow.

You know, the way maybe, just as far as spending goes, okay? But what if same circumstances, same person, but I chose to identify myself as somebody who is financially stable and responsible?

That I was an independent, strong, financially stable and responsible person. Exact same situation. What do I do when my paycheck is?

Well, I think as a financially secure and stable person, I'm going to pay myself first because I know moving money to savings is really, really important. And I am a financially secure person, so that's the behavior that follows there, right?

Financially secure and savvy people save. So, it's not wrong to treat yourself. It's not wrong to buy the shoes or buy a meal.

But do you see that how you see yourself completely affects your behavior and your outflow? So, we have to take a moment. How do we see ourselves?

Because we don't think about it consciously. And so much of how we view ourselves has been shaped by circumstances, negative things that people have said, and we just hold this belief about ourself.

And negative belief is going to produce negative behavior and negative outflow. Positive belief is going to produce positive behavior and positive outflow. But if we don't take time to examine it, we can't change it.

If we just unconsciously let it go to default, it's going to be negative. And at this moment of change and transition, when everything in your life has shaken up like a snow globe, this is the time to look at it and evaluate it.

And I understand for a season, I had to process that I was a single mom, that all these things had happened to me that felt really negative and really unfair, and really wrong, that had to be processed. I did, that was a season.

And I'm not trying to tell you to not identify with who you are or what has happened to you. However, let's not get stuck in the bad thing that happened to us. Because what has happened to you can become your identity.

And sometimes, this bad thing that has happened to us, these negative circumstances, becomes so much a part of our identity, and we allow it as an excuse for negative behavior.

Something as simple as, you know, I'm on the struggle bus, everything, I've got anxiety, I've got these two kids, I'm trying so hard to make ends meet, I'm frazzled, I'm at the end of my rope. So maybe, I talk really rude to somebody.

Maybe it's a coworker, maybe it's somebody at the store. And I justify that bad behavior because of how I identify myself as. I identify as a frazzled, overworked, you know, struggle bus, emotionally difficult single mom.

And this is my identity, so my outflow comes from my identity, and it's negative. So while we can and need to process what has happened to us, whatever that is, we can't allow it to become who we are.

It happened to us, but when we allow it to become our identity, that's when we get stuck, okay?

When we allow it as an excuse for negative behavior, I've just had such a hard day, things are so difficult, I'm going to have a second drink or a third drink, that when we allow what has happened to us to excuse really negative behavior, and

sometimes, you know what, it's okay. Sometimes, yes, I get you can give yourself a pass, but this is such a tricky area. So, so tricky. You can get stuck here.

And really, this is the difference between building an amazing life and staying stuck in just a negative loop. I promise you, this is a huge key element to building an amazing life.

And yes, you can make an excuse for why you're spending the extra money, or why you snapped at somebody, or whatever negative behavior you've got. And yes, you can excuse it and justify it. I'm not going to argue that point.

I'm going to argue the point that let's focus on our identity. And when we identify as something positive, it's something better, it take a moment to examine it, our outflow is going to change by default. Okay, let's use more examples.

This is a simple example. I always have wanted to be a writer. I've written a book, it's on Amazon.

I like writing, I like putting words together. That's something I like. I don't consider myself a writer.

And I've gone to writing conferences and talked to other people, and a lot of people struggle calling themselves a writer. It's just this weird hold up we have, right? And I still just get my foot in the door.

I'm not really established. So what difference does it make if I say, yeah, I'm not really a writer. I enjoy it, I kind of want to do it, but...

So how does that affect my behavior and how much I write? Versus if I say, I am a writer, that's how I identify as. Would I write more often?

Would I make it more of a priority? Would it change my behavior? The difference in how I see myself and what I identify as?

Are you catching on here? So if we identify, what do we identify as? I, after my divorce, identified as undesirable and unworthy and unloved.

It was really difficult to shift and change that behavior. So if I see myself as undesirable, how is that going to affect the way I dress, the way I take care of myself?

If I already think I'm undesirable, am I going to make the extra effort when I fix my hair, put on my makeup, or get dressed in the clothes I wear? If I see myself as desirable, does that change how I get ready?

And even beyond that, if I see myself as undesirable, how does that change how I project myself to the world and how other people perceive me, versus if I see myself as desirable? How you see yourself matters. So you've got to take the time.

What is my identity? I say this can even be spiritual, because the Bible says in Proverbs, and you may have already thought of this, I can't help, but think of this when it comes to identity.

It says, above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. That's Proverbs 4 verse 23. Everything you do flows from it.

So while I believe the verse about above all else, guard your heart, is talking about more than your identity, without question, your identity is a piece of it. Without question, guard your identity, because so much of what you do flows from it.

Yes, this verse means more than just your identity, but identity is a piece of it. Guard your identity, because your behavior flows from how you see yourself.

And if you want to build an amazing life, it's so important to think about, to adjust, to reevaluate how you see yourself. Because circumstances have built an identity for you, and it's generally a lie.

I'm just here to tell you the negative things that people say that stick in your head, that play on the loop. They're a lie from the enemy. I promise you.

We have to look at them. We have to evaluate them. We have to see what the lie is, reject that lie, and adopt the truth.

What do you want your identity to be? How do you form your identity? I mean, these are big questions.

These are not simple things. I would say, go back and listen to my podcast about affirmations. Affirmations are so important.

I am worthy. This is a way to change your identity by saying these affirmations. I am loved.

I'm enough. Where do we come up with these? How do we form our identity?

Well, we can look in scripture in the Word of God. If your identity is in Christ, truly, if that is truly how you identify yourself, you were loved so much that somebody died for you. That is an amazing love.

Your love tank, if that's truly what you identify as, should be so full, right? If you truly identify as a child of God, he's the king of kings. So you have everything you need.

Everything is provided because your father is the king. Do we really identify as that? I mean, like, let's be real.

And so let's take time to think about how we identify ourself. And let's choose how we want to identify ourself. How do you see yourself?

Do you see yourself as somebody that's full of anxiety, who's frazzled, who's struggling to make ends meet? Can you shape that? Can you rework that?

I'm somebody who's always struggled with their weight. I'm somebody who could never get ahead financially. Or do you identify as somebody who's physically fit?

And how does your behavior change when you really identify that? And how do you shift your identity? I believe affirmations are a big way that we start to shift our identity.

We've got to rewire our brain to believe the truth that we know is real and redirect from the lies. Our brains sometimes are like toddlers.

So they're going to start focusing on one thing, playing maybe with a toy or something you don't want them to play with. And what do you do with a toddler?

You redirect their attention, you're like, focus over here with this toy, look at this one, this one's really cool.

So when your brain goes on the negative loop, saying the negative things that people have said to you in your past, or things you believe about yourself, you have to redirect it, and you're like, no, but look at this, I am worthy, I am loved, I am

enough, I will succeed, I can do this, I am financially a financially savvy woman. I can do this. We have to redirect our brain and it takes time. I mean, your brain wants to go back where it's been.

You gotta give it the tools. So please come up with affirmations. What do you really want?

When you look at your life, there is how you identify now. I identified after my divorce as a complete failure. I couldn't make a marriage work.

It just was such a big thing. I felt like such a failure. I felt undesirable.

I felt unworthy, unbeautiful, unloved. And I had to look at those things and say, this isn't what I want my story to be. This isn't it.

And even though I feel this way, feelings aren't facts. I need my identity to be something else. This cannot be my identity.

If something happened to me, but I can't allow it to become me, this has got to change. And so every day, I said affirmations. I am worthy.

I am loved. I didn't really believe it at first. I got to be real with you.

It was hard to believe that I was worthy when I felt complete and utter rejection. It was hard to believe that I was loved when I felt so unloved. But I knew this was the truth.

And I said it over and over until I believed it. And I said other things about myself that I wanted, that I am a writer, I am a podcaster, I am these things. These are things that I want in my life, and I'm going to make them a piece of my identity.

And I don't know how to get from point A to point B completely. But if I identify as this, if I say, this is who I am, my behavior will start to line up with that. And eventually, I'll get there.

How we identify from how we see ourselves financially, how we see ourselves physically, how we see ourselves emotionally, what our career paths, our growths, our goals, all these things matter.

And we have most likely allowed other people to create our identity unconsciously. The bad stuff is so much easier to believe. I know that.

I've been there. I know that. I still struggle with hearing certain phrases and words in my head.

But those bad things, those negative things, they are not my identity. Above all else, guard your heart, because everything you do flows from it. Guard your identity.

Don't let it be shaped by circumstances, in careless words that other people have said to you. It's too important if everything in your life flows from how you see yourself. How can we be so careless to let other people decide what that is?

But we do it unconsciously. We don't even take the time just to think about it. And once you think about it, you're like, wait a minute, hold on.

And it's hard to rewrite some of those negative beliefs we hold about ourselves. I know. I have done other podcasts about truth versus lies.

I've done the Affirmation podcast. Please go back and listen to a few other ones. Because reshaping how you see yourself is vital.

And that's what I'm here to tell you today. This is vital. This is important.

This matters. Above all else, guard it. Don't let the careless words of somebody else shape what everything you do flows from.

Why would we do that? And if we were being conscious about it, we wouldn't. But our identity is so often shaped unconsciously, subconsciously.

Things happen, and we just form this opinion about ourselves as we roll through life, as we come up against challenges and circumstances, and when things hit us and ding us, and this happens and that happens, and this person said this, that we allow

to shape our identity. But I'm here to tell you, you can take the pin back. Please take the pin back. You write your identity.

Take the time. How do you see yourself? I say you see yourself as a strong, confident woman.

I say you see yourself as someone who is able to control your finances and succeed well with money. I say you see yourself as somebody who is physically on top of their game, whether it's diet, exercise, like you have got it together.

I say you see yourself as beautifully and wonderfully made. I say you see yourself as worthy, as enough, as accepted, as loved.

Please, please, take the pin back, evaluate what your identity is, and rewrite it to something positive, because everything you do, so much of what you do, flows from how you see yourself, unconsciously.

And if you know with your children, if you could just make them, if you could just flip that switch in their brain and make them see themselves as something different, you would.

If I could make you see yourself, like when my kids were like in school as a smart kid or somebody who is successful or who could do good at this or that, I would flip that switch for them, right?

Like as a parent, you want your kids to see themselves in a good way because we know their behavior, the outflow is so affected by how they see themselves. And we work on that with them. We work on that with you.

How do you see yourself? Everything flows from it, everything. Guard it.

It's important. Don't let some idiot who said something stupid, who did something stupid, affect everything in your life. Please take your pen back.

Please write your identity. Don't let other people do it. And take the time to make it a good identity.

We are working on building an amazing life, and this is foundational. This is so foundational. Everything you do flows from this.

How do you see yourself? I hope you see yourself as beautiful as I see you. I hope that you will write a beautiful, empowering identity.

And I encourage you to put that in front of you every day, to watch it, to read it, to speak it over yourself. It matters. And the outflow of your life all stems from this.

Who do you want to be? I would love for you to reach out to me. I would love for you to tell me who you want to be.

What is your identity? How have you struggled? What has been a negative identity you have?

What do you want to change it to? You can find me online, www.workingonamazing.com. You can also find me on most social media platforms, but I will say I do hang out on Facebook the most.

And we're just a page, Working on Amazing. You can send me a message, hit me up. Let me know what you're thinking.

How is your identity, and how does it affect what you do? I would really love to hear from you. Thank you for joining me today.

I look forward to talking to you next time. Bye.