What To Do When You Feel Lonely (Especially When You’re Starting Over in Midlife)

Loneliness isn’t just about being alone — it’s about feeling disconnected.
 And when women are starting over in midlife — after divorce, death, job loss, or a medical diagnosis — loneliness can sneak in fast and settle in deep.

Your routine changes.
 Your person may be gone.
 Your identity feels shaken.
 And depression can make it feel safer to stay home than to reach out.

But here’s the hard truth: loneliness feeds depression, and depression feeds loneliness.
 So today’s episode is about gentle, realistic ways to break that cycle — without pressure, perfection, or pretending you’re okay when you’re not.

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast, Working on Amazing. This is the podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life. Now, in today's episode, we're gonna be talking about loneliness.

I think this is one that affects a lot of women who are starting over in the middle of their life. And it's not just about being alone. I think the real key is feeling disconnected.

I think when you're starting over, whether it's because of divorce or death or a major traumatic life event, loneliness can sneak in fast, and it can settle in deep. We tend to self-isolate.

It just feels safer when something major, and negative has happened, right? If you've lost somebody you love, that feels extremely unsafe. So we isolate, and then we feel lonely.

And this makes so much sense. I mean, it's logical. Your routine has totally changed.

Most likely, the person that was your person for so long, is no longer there. Your identity might feel shaken. Like, who are you outside of this person, right?

And depression can make it feel safer to stay at home than to reach out. But I want to tell you a hard truth. Loneliness feeds depression, and depression feeds loneliness.

So today, I just want to talk about gentle, realistic ways to break this isolation cycle. No pressure, no perfection, not pretending you're okay when you're not. Just ways to slowly get back to your life again, whatever this new life is going to be.

2:08

Roots of Loneliness

I understand that loneliness hits so hard after a midlife transition. I mean, losing the person that you spent your time with is hard, whether it's death or divorce, and those are two very different things. I went through a divorce.

My sister went through the death of her husband. I'm not trying to compare them, but I am saying that when it comes to the end of the day, and you sit down on the couch at night, your person isn't there anymore.

The person that you ate dinner with, the person maybe you watched TV shows with, and talked to about your day, and interacted with, that they're no longer there. So your daily rhythms change. I mean, and often they change overnight.

The other real reality is your social circle probably shrinks. And there's a lot of reasons for that. Sometimes you just don't want to hang out with other couples, right?

When you are no longer a couple, you don't want to hang out with other couples. Sometimes people don't know what to say anymore.

They knew what to say initially, maybe, they're sorry, but eventually, they don't know what to say, so they just stop saying anything at all. A lot of people fall away when you go through a major life transition and change.

And I don't think other people are being mean or cruel, they just don't know how to handle it. And their life is busy, and they've got a thousand things going on, and they don't know what to say. It's not easy, it's not easy dealing with grief.

If you're walking through that, you know that. And so somebody outside just oftentimes have no clue how to handle that.

The other thing is, you're not just grieving that relationship, you're not just grieving the loss of a spouse whether it's to divorce or death. I mean, you very much are grieving them, don't misunderstand.

But it's not just them that you're grieving, you're grieving a version of your life. For me personally, I had always had this vision of me being one of those couples who had been married for 50, 60 plus years.

I really just thought that that's what I would be. I would have just a really, really long marriage. And so when I saw myself, you know, as I grew old, that was just a piece of it.

And when I got divorced, it sounds so weird, but I was grieving that version of my life. The version of my life where I thought I was going to grow old and have a really long marriage, and I had all of these plans laid out.

And one of the things you're grieving is the life that you aren't going to live anymore, that the plans that you had with your person, the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams.

So you're grieving them very much so, but you're also grieving that version of your life that would have been with them, where you had a super long marriage, where you had the trip that you said you were going to take when you turned 50 or whatever

it was. Depression will tell you to isolate, but I'm here to tell you, connection is what you need most. I'm also here to tell you, if this is where you are in your life, loneliness is not failure.

I think we associate feeling alone and loneliness with failure, and we don't say it out loud. It's not always readily identified, but I'm here to tell you that's not true. It's a human response to loss and change.

You are okay, you are not a failure. Don't add that on top of everything else you're dealing with. This is not failure.

This is just human nature. Okay? You're doing better than you think you are.

6:42

Micro-Connections

So I want to give five or six gentle, doable ways to combat the loneliness and isolation that we put ourselves in after a really difficult emotional season. Okay?

So if you're self-isolating, if you're struggling with loneliness, just some very simple bridges back to connection. These aren't hard. They shouldn't be overwhelming.

They should be gentle ways. Okay? So number one, start with low-pressure human contact.

What would that look like? Not every connection has to be deep, and that's okay. You don't have to have a four-hour phone call and talk about how to change the world.

You can just smile at the barista. You can have a little bit of a conversation with the cashier when you check out. Maybe tell her you like her blouse or her earrings or the color of her hair.

Something simple, low-pressure, low-contact, right? But contact nonetheless. Say hello to somebody when you walk.

You've been on a walk, and a lot of times when you pass somebody else, your eyes look down, especially if you're in this isolation, super lonely mode, right? You just look away. But maybe make eye contact and smile, say hello.

This is a really simple form of human contact. You don't have to have really, really deep human contact. Sometimes you can have really light human contact.

Maybe you can sit in the coffee shop instead of going home. Just sit there for, you know, five, 10, 15 minutes, drink your coffee, and then leave. Actually sit around other people.

And what these tiny micro-interactions are doing is they're retraining your nervous system. They're reminding you, you belong in the world, okay? So micro-connections are very okay.

You know, the simple things. I think when we say we need human contact, I feel alone, we feel like we need these deep, huge things, we need a full-blown girl's night, we need this, we need that, and those things are important.

But if you've been self-isolating, if you're really struggling with grief, sometimes micro-connections are a good bridge to get to the next step.

9:32

Movement Over Motivation

And don't forsake the small beginnings of just little, tiny human connections, all right? Number two, let your body leave the house, even if your heart doesn't want to, okay? So you don't need motivation, you need movement.

I'm here to tell you, you need to move. Get up and go for a walk. I'm serious, move your body.

Your mind works on a different level when you're moving. It's having to pump more blood to your heart. It's having your lungs breathe deeper because you require more oxygen.

Your eyes are having to look to see if there's an obstacle in front of you. You're engaging more of your brain and your body when you move. So go outside for a walk for 10 minutes, even if all you can do is walk around your house.

But go for a walk. Maybe run an errand in person. I mean, we live in this age of convenience, and COVID made it really easy, right?

So you can pick up your phone, and you can have hot food delivered to your door and never see another person, right? You can have all your groceries delivered. You can have anything off Amazon or walmart.com delivered.

Super easy. Unlike anything, we don't have to go outside into the world for hardly anything. We can have it all brought to us.

Run an errand in person. Maybe go pick up something at the grocery store. Maybe it's a bill that you need to pay.

Maybe go pay it in person. Go run an errand. It's just good to get out and do things like that.

Maybe go to the park and just sit in the park. And if you have to put a timer on your phone because it feels uncomfortable, put a timer on your phone. Say, I'm going to sit here for 10 minutes just in the park.

It's a pretty day. Maybe go to the library and sit in the library. Maybe you can take yourself out to lunch.

What I'm trying to say is, don't wait to feel better emotionally to go out. You've got to go out so you can feel better. And just getting out and moving and being part of the world again, is really, really important, okay?

12:06

Familiar Spaces

All right, number three, I want you to think about re-engaging in safe and familiar places. So before everything fell apart, what did you use to do?

And instead of trying something new right now, and something that feels overwhelming, maybe you can return to what once felt safe. What might that look like? That could look like church.

Maybe you used to go to church. And maybe you could go back, and instead of joining a small group and doing all the things, maybe you could just sit for a service in the back. Maybe you used to go to the gym.

You quit going to the gym, but maybe you could go back. You're familiar with the layout. You know where the treadmills and the machines are.

Maybe you could just walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Like, nothing pushing, but you feel comfortable in that space.

Maybe you were part of a book club and you dropped off, and maybe you could reach back out and say, okay, what book are we reading this month? I kind of want to be back apart. Maybe you were part of a support group.

Maybe there's a class that you've taken before. Maybe before there was something that you really enjoyed doing. Maybe you took a painting class or a cooking class or a foreign language class or a computer class, and you enjoyed it.

Well, maybe you could sign up for something like that again. If it was a positive experience, if you've done it before, if it felt familiar, maybe you can go back. Was there a hobby that you used to really love?

What did you used to do? I loved to write, and then I went through this major traumatic event with my divorce, and it just felt overwhelming. And it took me a while to be able to write again.

And I had to start just like stream of consciousness, brain dump kind of writing, because it felt like it couldn't be creative anymore. That's okay. Just go back to some things that feel familiar and felt safe when you did them before.

Did you used to volunteer? Was there something that you used to do? Like, you volunteered in the church nursery, or you did something else, volunteered at the Humane Society.

I wouldn't say do what you did before to the full extent. I would say, I can do two hours once a week at the Humane Society. Like, dial it back.

I want to come, or maybe I'll pick up a load of laundry and wash it and bring it back, right? But put your foot back out there just a little bit.

But if you did it before and you enjoyed it, and it felt comfortable and safe, look into trying those things again. What did you feel safe in an environment before? And how can you just kind of ease back into that just a little bit?

Now, volunteering can be a double-edged sword, and a lot of times you can get burned out because places that need volunteers never have enough, and they want you to do more and more and more. So definitely be real with yourself and with them.

I can only do this. But just getting back out there and just doing a little bit can help more than you think. You're not trying to rebuild your whole life, really.

But just find a familiar thread, one familiar thread at a time.

15:45

Digital Connection

All right? Number four, you can use technology for connection. But don't use it for comparison.

All right? So loneliness can get louder when we silently scroll through our phone, right? I mean, we know that, because everybody else looks like they're laughing and having a good time, right?

So we don't want to compare ourselves. That isn't good, right? That makes it feel worse.

But how can we use technology for connection? Well, maybe you can send a voice memo to somebody. That feels a little bit more connection, maybe, than just a text, because it's your voice, right?

So maybe send a voice memo. Maybe you can text somebody who feels emotionally safe. Reach out to a family member or a friend and say something simple.

I was thinking about you. How are you doing today? Just a little bit of connection.

If you are on social media, maybe you can be the one to bring the light. Comment kindly on somebody's post. You like it when somebody comments kindly on your post.

So be the light and comment and say something nice to a few people online. Tell your friend that they look great, that you're happy for them. Congratulations.

Whatever. It's a good way to connect positively with technology. Technology can help.

Maybe you can join an online group that aligns with your season of life. I created a couple groups, like on Facebook, for women like over 40 starting over, right? I mean, like, find groups.

There's so many. If you look into the group section on Facebook, and I know other social media has other things, find a group with exactly what you're dealing with.

There are widow's groups, there are divorce groups, there are groups of women starting over, there are groups that can fit every unique facet. There really, really are.

And maybe find a group where you can connect with other people dealing with what you're dealing with. And there's some comfort in that connection. You are not alone.

You're not the only one dealing with this, and that can feel good. Connection doesn't have to be in person to be real. You don't have to be in person for the connection to be real.

All right? Technology has its benefits. Don't ignore its downfalls.

Don't compare. Connect.

18:39

Gentle Presence

All right, number five. Maybe you could practice companion activities. What are companion activities?

That sounds kind of silly, but you don't always have to have a conversation. Sometimes you just need presence. So maybe you can watch a show while texting a friend, right?

Maybe you can listen to a podcast while you're cooking. Maybe you can go to a class where you don't have to talk. Maybe you can sit in a public place and read.

So it's not about performing a connection, like I connected with this person. Maybe it's just about being near connection that helps it feel less intimidating when we have isolated for so long, right? Just being around connection can be helpful.

And the last thing I want to say, speak kindly to the lonely parts of yourself. Instead of saying, I'm so pathetic for feeling this way. Maybe say, I'm lonely because I lost something important.

Be gentle with yourself. Loneliness is not weakness, it's not failure. It's grief asking for gentleness, all right?

I just want to tell you, you don't have to rebuild your social life overnight. You don't need to become an extrovert. You don't have to pretend that you're okay.

You just need to take one small step towards connection. That's all. Loneliness doesn't mean your life is over.

It actually means that your heart is still open. I would love to hear from you. How are you reaching out?

Or if you've gone through this and are on the other side, what worked for you? I'm sure other people would love to know that. You can find me online, www.workingonamazing.com.

You can also find me on social media. I have an account on a few different platforms, but I will say I do hang out on Facebook the most, and you can find me there. It's just a page, Working on Amazing.

You can drop me a message. I would love to hear from you. You are not alone.

There's so many women going through what you're going through. That's the whole point. You aren't alone.

It feels like it. I do acknowledge that, but you're not. Take a step, reach out in a little way, however you can today.

I am so proud of you. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to talking to you next time.

Bye.