Healthy Boundaries for the Emotionally Exhausted Woman

In this episode, we’re talking about something that gets thrown around a lot—but isn’t always understood: healthy boundaries.

What does it really mean to set a boundary? Is walking away always healthy… or sometimes just easier?

If you’ve ever felt confused, guilty, or completely drained trying to navigate relationships, this conversation will help you understand what healthy boundaries actually look like—and how to begin setting them in a way that honors both your peace and your values.

This episode is especially for the woman who is tired, overwhelmed, and unsure how to stand up for herself without shutting people out.

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast, Working on Amazing. This is a podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life. Now on today's episode, we're gonna be talking about healthy boundaries.

And yes, I know, I have done an episode about healthy boundaries in the past, but it has come up so much, and people still have questions about it. And I know personally, this is something that I struggled with.

So I thought it was a topic that's big enough that it is worth revisiting. What does it really mean to set a healthy boundary? Is walking away from a relationship healthy?

Or is it sometimes just easier?

If you've ever felt confused or guilty or completely drained while trying to navigate your relationships, this conversation, I hope, will help you understand what healthy boundaries actually look like in real life, and how to begin setting them in a

way that honors both your peace and your values. So this episode is really specifically designed for the woman who is tired, who is overwhelmed.

When you're restarting in the middle of your life, whether you've gone through a divorce or the loss of a loved one, it is really draining. You are already tired and emotionally overwhelmed.

And if that's you and you're unsure how to stand up for yourself without shutting people out, this is one for you.

1:47

Defining Boundaries

All right. So why have healthy boundaries become a buzzword? I don't know if you've seen posts on social media.

I have seen so many posts that talk about healthy boundaries, but they say it in a way that I think that's not a healthy boundary. That's you wanting to avoid a difficult conversation.

So the phrase healthy boundaries seems to be everywhere right now, but I really think it's misunderstood. The social media version is cut people off, protect yourself. But is that truly healthy?

I mean, the reality is boundaries aren't about control, and they're not about punishment. I think the danger of using boundaries, quote unquote, to justify emotional avoidance is a real problem. So, not everything that creates distance is healthy.

Avoiding difficult conversations and choosing avoidance, that's not always healthy. On the other hand, not everything that's hard is unhealthy. A difficult conversation is hard, but that's not necessarily unhealthy, all right?

So, what healthy boundaries actually are? A boundary is not about controlling somebody else. It's about governing yourself.

So, it's a clear statement of what you will allow, what you will not participate in, and what you will do if that boundary is crossed, okay? So, a healthy boundary is a loving limit that protects your peace without punishing the other person.

Healthy boundaries should be rooted in self-respect, and clarity, and consistency. Okay, so let's keep going, because I understand that those are just theoretical terms right now, and we really need to tie them down to something.

So, that's what healthy boundaries are. Now, let's get a good idea of what healthy boundaries are not and weave it all together.

So then, once we get a good understanding of what it is, and what we know what we're dealing with, then how to apply it in real life. So, that's what healthy boundaries are. They're rooted in self-respect, in clarity, in consistency.

It's not something about punishing or controlling another person, it's about governing yourself, okay?

So what healthy boundaries are not, just so we can address any confusion based on things you've seen on social media, giving someone this silent treatment is not a healthy boundary, all right?

If you ghost someone instead of communicating with them, that is not a healthy boundary. If you cut somebody off without explanation, that is not a healthy boundary.

Now, I will say, I will add the caveat to cutting somebody off without explanation is not a healthy boundary. In most cases, there are a few circumstances where that may be warranted.

But in general, cutting somebody off without explanation is not a healthy boundary. Trying to control somebody else's behavior, that's not a healthy boundary. Avoiding uncomfortable conversations, that's not a healthy boundary.

Avoidance says, I don't want to deal with this. But a boundary says, I will deal with this, but in a healthy way, all right? Just so we're starting to kind of get a sense of what healthy boundaries are and what they aren't.

Because there is confusion on social media. The little clips and quotes you see sound good, but they really probably aren't a realistic interpretation of healthy boundaries. They're something different, and that's okay.

They have their place, but they're not healthy boundaries, all right?

6:11

Why Boundaries Challenge

Why boundaries feel hard, especially as a female starting over in the middle of her life, who feels overwhelmed, you're already stretched thin, and you're emotionally drained. You've just been potentially through a pretty traumatic experience, right?

Something that you did not ask for happened, something outside of your control happened, and totally turned your life upside down.

So healthy boundaries can feel hard, because we often have a fear of rejection, or a fear of conflict, and that is valid. I really fear conflict a lot. That's something that I struggle with.

And so when you're already emotionally maxed out, it's really easy to say, I don't want them to completely shut me down. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to have a fight, and not place a healthy boundary.

If you're a female, a lot of females have grown up with this people pleasing mentality. And I don't know why it's more female oriented. It's a societal thing.

I don't believe it's anybody's fault. I definitely grew up in a people pleasing type of, that's just the way it was. And it wasn't because my parents were, did anything wrong.

It was just as a society. I think that's the way young girls were expected to act. Right?

And so sometimes it feels hard to set a boundary if you're a people pleaser, and a lot of women are. Sometimes it's hard to set a boundary because you're emotionally exhausted.

Like, I don't even have the energy for this conversation, and that's valid. Sometimes we don't want to set a boundary because of guilt. Like, we feel like we're being mean or selfish.

If I say, this is what I need, I feel bad for that, right? If you were never taught that you were allowed to have boundaries, setting them is going to feel wrong before it feels right.

And I just want to say that, and you to hear it, it's going to feel a little awkward. It's going to feel a little uncomfortable before you get used to it because you're learning a new skill.

But just because it feels awkward and uncomfortable, and unnatural, doesn't mean it's wrong.

8:49

Real-Life Boundaries

Okay? So here we are. What do healthy boundaries actually look like in real life?

So, you know, you heard the buzzword. Maybe that's wrong or maybe it's right. What does it actually look like?

This term kind of seems vague, healthy boundaries. What would it look like? So here are some really just practical examples of something you might say that is you establishing a healthy boundary.

You might say in the middle of a conversation that's starting to go away, that makes you feel uncomfortable. You might want to say something like, I'm not able to talk about that right now. Let's revisit it later.

That sounds very respectful. It's polite, but it's also a boundary. I'm not able to talk about that right now.

Can we revisit that later? Or maybe you've had multiple conversations with somebody, and you realize that each time the conversation becomes toxic, right?

So you might start the conversation with something like, if this conversation becomes disrespectful, I'm going to step away. You're letting that person know up front, hey, you know, I'm not going to engage in that.

If it becomes disrespectful, I'm going to step away. Maybe especially for women starting over, I noticed this, I've watched my sister go through this. Everybody has a very strong opinion about what you should do.

When your life is going normal, when everything is fine, people don't really say that much. But when your spouse dies, when you get divorced, when you're suddenly a single mom, everybody thinks they need to tell you what to do.

You need to sell your house, you need to buy a house, you need to sell your car, you need to buy a car, you need to do this, you need to get this job, you need to do that, you need to invest.

Everybody has a thousand opinions, and it comes on really strong when you're going through a transition. And so what would a healthy boundary be like in a conversation where somebody's coming on strong with their opinions?

I can't commit to that right now. That's very polite, but you're also setting a boundary like, I can't commit to that right now. No.

A healthy boundary with somebody, once again, maybe in a toxic, that the relationship has kind of started to shift into a toxic way, and it's become, the conversations have repeatedly been negative.

You might say, I love you, but I won't continue this conversation if I'm being yelled at. That's very polite. I love you, but this is my boundary.

If you yell at me, I can't continue. So, boundaries are often calm, they are clear, and they are respectful. They are not dramatic.

So, what you see on social media is very dramatic, right? But the reality is, what boundaries look like in real conversations with real people, they're calm, and they're clear, and they're respectful, okay?

So, here is something that I think is really important and often missed. And it sounds so self-explanatory, but you will realize that it gets missed. And that's, boundaries require communication.

So, you can't have a boundary that nobody knows about. People aren't mind-readers. So, avoidance creates confusion, but boundaries create clarity.

So, if you're having a conversation with somebody who yells at you repeatedly, you have to say, I am not going to have this conversation if you yell at me, I will have to walk away. Then they know, if they yell, you will walk away.

You set the boundary. Until you say that, they don't know that, they can't read your mind. Maybe they, I don't know, I would assume, and you would assume, that people understand that's very disrespectful.

But you saying that is self-empowering to you. You're saying what you need, and it's allowing that other person to hear what you need, and it's giving them the chance to respond.

It's giving them the chance to either change their behavior, okay, this time, I'm not going to yell. But people don't know if you don't say that. Sometimes we assume that it makes sense.

Like, if you yell, I'm not going to be here for this conversation. But we've got to communicate what our boundaries are. Unspoken boundaries are not boundaries, they're expectations, all right?

So you can have expectations, but if we're talking about a conversation about healthy boundaries, those have to be communicated, all right?

14:27

Practice Boundary Setting

So how do you set boundaries when you're emotionally drained, and maybe you really want to avoid conflict?

So if you're somebody like me who really does duck to avoid conflict, how do you go about setting healthy boundaries, and how do you go about protecting your peace in a way that doesn't feel harsh, in a way that doesn't stir up more conflict?

Because some people say, well, I'm setting a boundary, but what they're really doing is stirring the pot and creating more conflict. And you know what I'm talking about, that definitely happens.

So how do you have this delicate balance between protecting your peace and still being respectful? So the first thing I want to tell you when it comes to healthy boundaries is you don't have to confront your hardest relationship first.

And I know that's relationship you're thinking about when you have a conversation about healthy boundaries. Everybody thinks about one or two specific situations, right? And you're like, I need to set a boundary there, you know, with this person.

Okay, that is true. And you do need to tackle that. But don't eat the elephant.

You know, start small. So practice in low stakes situations. And I'm going to give you an example.

So I had been reading about healthy boundaries. I knew that I needed to set healthy boundaries with my ex-husband. And it was a very, very toxic relationship.

I read about this stuff and I had no clue how to implement it. But that relationship had 20 years of history, right? 20 years of patterns, 20 years of set.

We were set in certain ways. So it was really hard to change that. And I thought, I never am going to understand healthy boundaries.

I can't do this. It's too hard. But I had been reading and listening to people talk about it.

And I was at work one day and I got a phone call. And the person on the other end was livid. I mean, they were yelling, they were speaking really, really rude to me.

Now, you have to understand that professionally people don't do that, right? You know that. But at home, I was treated that way and I was spoken to that way.

So there was that commonality between this conversation and in the way that I was spoken to inside the walls of my own home.

So, but the person who was speaking to me was a mild acquaintance, not a close friend, not a coworker that I dealt with every day. They were somebody I saw maybe once a month, maybe twice a month, very, you know, acquaintance kind of person.

And what they were yelling at me about was not, literally wasn't anything that I had any control over, could change, fix, or do for them. So, their frustration was misdirected. But I got to practice healthy boundaries.

And because I had been reading about it and felt frustrated, that my main, you know, thing that I was wanting healthy boundaries for, I couldn't implement it, it would just felt too hard.

And then this person called, and they were, they just lit into me. And I said, I am not comfortable with the way you're speaking to me. If you continue to yell, I'm gonna have to get off the phone.

I couldn't believe I said that. It felt so foreign to me to say that. We finished the conversation.

I did hang up the phone without, I mean, it wasn't a, I hung up the phone. You know, we completed our conversation. And I was so proud of myself.

I mean, I had this moment where my heart was in my chest beating fast because it felt so weird to say that. It's so abnormal, not something that I normally did say, hey, don't speak to me that way. I had not done that in my adult life.

And here I was, a 40-year-old woman in a professional career. And I hadn't ever told somebody, you cannot speak to me that way. And I did it politely.

I protected my professionalism, yay. And I was proud of myself. I didn't lose my cool.

I set a boundary. I kept my boundary. And yay.

And it was easier to do that with somebody that wasn't a key relationship in my life, right? It was easier to do that with somebody who was not an established years-long relationship that you were in patterns with.

It was easier to practice with somebody like that. So let me encourage you to practice in low-stake situations. Maybe you're out in public and somebody pops off.

And instead of just being quiet and ducking your head and going away, which is what I would do, say, I'm not comfortable with you speaking to me that way. I don't know.

We don't always get an opportunity to practice this, but be aware and try to practice in situations with people that aren't that main person you're thinking about when you think about healthy boundaries. Does that make sense?

Get comfortable with saying those words because it feels odd. And I feel like healthy boundaries in some of these contexts are almost like, well, a job interview, right?

You don't go on job interviews until you need a job, and then you're stressed out. It's like, when do you get to practice for that, right?

I mean, you're stressed out, you feel like everything's on the line, you've got to do good, but how often do you get to practice for job interviews? How often does that happen? Healthy boundaries can be that way.

Hopefully, you don't have to set them very often. Hopefully, you get to surround yourself with loving people, and it isn't a problem.

But practice it when you can, and when we practice it in low-stake situations with people who aren't key players in our emotional well-being, it gives us the confidence to step in and say, hey, I'm not comfortable with that, in those relationships

that then are our key relationships, okay? So don't put pressure on yourself. You don't have to confront your hardest and most difficult relationship first. Maybe practice in lower-key situations, right?

In those simple things. And keep in mind certain scripts that you can say, really simple phrases, I'm not comfortable with that, that doesn't work for me. I need some time to think about that.

Repeat those phrases in your head, memorize them. I'm not comfortable with that, or that doesn't work for me, or I need some time to think about that.

Because when you're in that situation, and you kind of feel a little bit like a deer in the headlights, it's good to have a phrase that you've memorized that you can spit out. You don't have to say, I've got to come up with a boundary.

What do I do now? You can just spit out a phrase that you've memorized. I'm not comfortable with that.

That doesn't work for me. Very, very simple. Very, very simple, all right?

I want to also give yourself permission to pause. So if you get a text message, an email, a phone call from that really maybe difficult relationship, right?

So maybe you're dealing with your ex or it's a different, maybe a family relationship or something else that you're struggling with. It's okay to say, let me get back to you. That's perfectly acceptable.

And if it's a text message or an email, you don't have to respond immediately. I know we live in this world where everything's instant, from TV to coffee and everything in between. You do not have to be instant in your response.

Give yourself time to think it over. Give yourself time to decide. Practice the pause, okay?

And one other thing I want to say, especially in those key relationships that feel very difficult and maybe have taken on a negative tone in the conversation, you know that those relationships that come to mind when you say healthy boundaries, you're

like, I need one there. Those relationships, I want to say, if you're in the middle of a conversation with that person, and you get triggered, I want you to step away before setting a significant boundary. You may say, I need some time and step away.

You can say something simple like that. But if you are emotionally triggered, you cannot say, well, you can't come over anymore or set some big boundary that you need to then enforce.

Give yourself time, if you are emotionally triggered, to think about what boundary you want to enforce, okay? So when you're emotionally triggered, don't set a big boundary. You can set the boundary of, I need to walk away now, that's fine.

But boundaries of, you no longer have access to, I need big boundaries that would require you to enforce them. Don't set those when you're emotionally triggered, okay? Especially in those key relationships that you're struggling with.

And you know what I'm talking about. Do not set a boundary if you're triggered. Just walk away and give yourself time to think about it.

It's okay. Practice the pause.

25:07

Enforcing Boundaries

The other thing I'm going to say that's difficult with boundaries, it's not just setting the boundary, it's holding the boundary. So a boundary isn't really what you say, it's what you enforce.

So you teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate, and we've all heard that, right? But the example is, if you say, if you continue yelling, I will leave the room.

If you say that, and they continue to yell, you have to enforce that, you have to actually get up and leave the room. Does that make sense? And when you do this, this is a beautiful thing.

When you do this, you're building self-trust. You're saying, if you do this, I will do that. And then you do that, and you're doing what you say.

So you build trust with yourself, and you build self-respect, because you are doing what you said you would do, and you realize not only can I set a boundary, I can enforce a boundary. And that evokes trust, self-esteem, confidence.

Those are all really good things. So it's hard to hold a boundary. And that's why you've got to be very careful about what you set as a healthy boundary, because you need to enforce it.

Just saying, I'm going to leave if you yell, but then they yell and you sit there, that's not a good, that's no boundary at all. You said something, but you didn't enforce it, okay?

So if you're going to say it, you've got to follow through and actually do what you said you were going to do, all right?

26:56

Boundaries Versus Abuse

Now, before we close, I really want to clarify. Sometimes walking away from a relationship is healthy.

If you are in an abusive situation, if somebody is repeatedly disrespecting you and there is no change, if there is emotional harm, yes, it is healthy to back away from that relationship.

So don't get confused as we're talking about healthy boundaries. Abuse does not need a healthy boundary, it just needs a boundary. All right?

Don't think if there is some type of abuse, harm, anything like that going on, emotional, physical, you walk away. There is no need for healthy boundaries to state what you need to state and then enforce it. No, you can just walk away.

So I feel like a lot of what is being said online about healthy boundaries really comes from a point of view like there has been abuse.

And in most of our relationships, there isn't abuse, abuse happens 100%, but a lot of relationships don't involve abuse. It happens, it's a very real thing, but it's not everywhere.

If somebody says something that hurts your feelings, if somebody says something that you didn't agree with or you didn't like, that's not a reason to walk away. You probably should have a conversation about that, right?

Abuse is physical, it can be emotional, it can be financial, right? So abuse is different from having your feelings hurt. And I think a lot of the conversations around healthy boundaries assume that the relationship had abuse.

And yes, if there is abuse in the relationship, healthy boundaries are not necessary, you just need to get out of there. Okay? So I want to be really, really clear on that.

I don't want to try to pretend like you need to talk it out with somebody who's being abusive. Okay? You do not.

So that is definitely a point of clarification as we talk about healthy boundaries. And if you do walk away from a relationship that has been abusive, it is an intentional thought through decision.

You're not doing it in a reactive way or an impulsive way because your feelings were hurt. There is the difference. Do you see that?

29:44

Boundaries as Self-Care

All right, let's step back. Healthy boundaries. I just want to say, you don't have to fix every relationship overnight.

Boundaries are really a form of self-care. They're not selfishness. I always saw boundaries like what my interpretation of them as a young adult, they did seem selfish.

The older I get, the more I realize they truly are self-care. You're allowed to protect your peace and be a loving person. You can do both.

Healthy boundaries aren't about shutting people out. They're about showing up in your life in a way that's sustainable, honest, and whole.

And this whole podcast is about building an amazing life, working on a life that is amazing, working on building an amazing life.

And this is such a foundational point to be able to show up in a life in a way that's sustainable, and is authentic, and honest, and healthy boundaries help you do that.

They protect your peace, and it's a practice that hopefully you don't have to do often, but it's really necessary to building an amazing life. All right, so what is one small boundary that you can practice this week? I would love to hear from you.

You can find me online, www.workingonamazing.com. You can also find me on social media. I have an account on most platforms, but I do hang out on Facebook the most, and that's just a page, Working on Amazing.

Drop me a line. What healthy boundary are you going to practice this week? I truly would love to hear from you.

Thank you so much for joining me today. I look forward to talking to you next time. Bye.