Beginning Again-Episode 11

If your marriage feels stuck or distant, this episode is for you. We talk about how to begin again—not by fixing your spouse, but by doing the inner work that reignites connection, peace, and partnership. Whether you’re starting over or simply need a reset, this conversation will remind you that it’s never too late to rebuild something beautiful together—because every great marriage begins again, sometimes more than once.

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Transcript

Welcome back to the Yes Dear podcast. Now for you, if you have been listening in order, it may have only been a couple of minutes or a couple of days between this episode and the last one, but for us, it's been how long, Dane? How long has it been since? I think it wasn't this July, but last July actually. It's like we started and stopped. So it's kind of been quite some time. So much has happened between then and now. And I thought we could fill this whole episode just talking about what's happened since then. What a work. So just go to the next episode. That would be a complete waste of time. No, actually, I think we just kind of step but we hit reset, step back. We didn't want to force episodes. We wanted to make sure that we felt inspired. I think like you hear this about so many podcasts or so many TV shows, you start knowing what you want to do. You do it for a little bit, but then it kind of morphs into something else entirely. And I feel like we took a year and a half off or however long it was to have some creative conversations. And I think we're ready to start. We're beginning again. We're beginning again. Again, to the listener, there is no break. They didn't even realize all of that happened, but here we are. And it's somewhat of a, we were inspired to start today because restart today, I should say, because today is kind of a special day, isn't it? What is today? What do you want to tell us? 28 years. 28 years of marriage. Since our last episode. Well, it might feel like that for some, but yeah, 28 years of, as one of our friends just said, pure bliss. Yes. Happy anniversary to us. Happy anniversary. Yes, so today is our 28th anniversary. So we will make sure to put our address in the comments so that you can, if you're listening, you can send us a gift. Should have did a registry. You know how they do like the wedding registry? We should have did that. Well, it's not too late because it's not like the episode's going live. Yeah, I think we'll get the link. So we'll post our address and a link to the registry so that you can buy us something nice. Yes. No, don't do that. But here we are. And I think we just, Just sent cash. Yes. We take cash in all forms. Just not monopoly cash. I mean, don't say all forms because. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Well, so you want to, I don't know, catch us up? Or did I do that? You know, as I thought about today, though, I had just a good chuckle to me because, you know, our son went to Linfield and during every, not that we're in our fourth quarter of life by any means, but 28 years, that's, you know, seven times four and every fourth quarter, you know, they hold up their four fingers. Like we are in the fourth quarter, baby. I feel like we should be doing this. So I had a good chuckle. I kind of did that to myself today. So does that mean we're like almost done? No, I just said, I clarified. We're, you know, it's, it's like fourth quarter, but it's not our final quarter. It's like we got 88 years, but this, you know, it's just, we had four groups of seven so far. All right. You have me nervous there for a second. So then wouldn't that make it our fifth quarter? Oh, because we're completing our fourth one. I'm not, I'm not a numbers girl. So just, just let me enjoy the 28 footballs. I am just stunned that you're still here. That's, that's really it. I think like every other marriage we've had our, I just, I actually posted this today. I don't have a chance to see it, but I, I said, I'm, I stunned that you're still here waiting for me to become the man that you thought you were getting 28 years ago. I'm grateful for, I wouldn't know joy or grace or forgiveness or, or faithfulness or any of those if you had been smart and left a long time ago, but here you are. And I'm trying, I am trying so hard to live up to the, the expectations that you had 28 years ago. Why did you drop those expectations, right? That's, no, I mean that in the expectations is what gets marriages. Well, you're, what you're saying is in order for me to become the man that you expected, you're going to need to lower your expectations. This is going well. This is, no, that's not what I was. That's not, so what I think what I'm thinking is it's going to be another year and a half before our next episode. That's not true. I just actually expectations is what really boxes us in for so much disappointment. It's just they're unrealistic most of the time. And I have beyond, I mean, I've gotten the man in my dreams. I actually spend a lot of time, I'm probably going to get really emotional because it's like, we're kicking off this podcast as a begin again. And I've probably as just a, oh yeah, we did that episode. No, we did that episode. I just went back and I started re-listening to them and just with tears down my face, it's like, I'm, it's worth fighting for. It has been, we have a marriage that's incredibly special. And in whatever period we were along the way, both of us could have went, you know, I'm out. And dang it, we fought darn hard to have the marriage that we have. And it's like, no, it's my expectations set me up for disappointment. My my own internal stuff. And that's what leads it. It's, it's more my own, you know, it's the internal work that I've done that allows you more and more to step into who you are than it is you working so hard to meet me at some unrealistic expectation. Just, we set, we set each other up for failure. So I'm so grateful. I mean, I was just, I spent a lot of, a lot of my morning. It wasn't a very productive work day, but it was just looking back at where we've come from, just the stories we told the banter, you know, we always share, we love the banter between each other and listening to those stories again. We've worked really hard to have, you know, when you look at happy people, you just think, man, I want to, I want to marriage like that. You know, I used to do that. I want to marriage like that. I want a husband like that. I want to be like her as far as being a wife. And yet it's like, if you could just hold up your own mirror and just become who you're supposed to be, it allows the other people around you to become who they're supposed to be. And it's been the most beautiful journey. And the beautiful journeys include the ones where you scuff your knees and land flat on your face. And it's been amazing. Amazing. Yeah. I don't even know what I could add to that other than, I mean, you and I are, we both believe in it. We both teach it or coach it. It's the, if you want things to be different, you do the mirror work. It's not about trying to change your spouse. It's not about trying to change your kids or change the circumstances around you. It's about showing up differently in them. And man, I just think about how many, how grateful I am at, and I mean, this really was like, we would not be here if you hadn't spent so much time in the mirror, right? Just doing your own growth and development, unpacking your own stuff, the stuff that we all bring into our relationships. We all do. We all have baggage. And I have been the, I mean, you would probably say you've benefited. I have benefited so much from all the work that you have done. And we've, I can speak from experience so anybody who's listening. I can also share that the couples that we've worked with who have been down similar roads, how much the spouse, it always seems like one spouse is doing, the spouses really do all the work at the same time. They rarely grow at the same time. I don't even remember because the old episodes were so long ago to me that I don't even remember if we've talked about this before, but spouses rarely grow because people, we don't all grow at the same time. We grow at different times, different paces. Readiness is a huge part of it. And you can get frustrated that your spouse isn't growing and then give up on your own growth and development, or you can be faithful. You can do your own mirror work and grow knowing that, this is what I started to say earlier, knowing that for me, watching you grow and watching you find peace and watching you just heal from stuff. And I would watch you and 100%, I was benefiting from it, but also I was really wanting the same thing. I was seeing it, I'm like, gosh, like I, you just reached this realization that in order for us to go to the next level, you've lapped me, you've already, you've moved on, you've moved up, you've leveled up, and now it's my turn. And the fact that you did level up created the encouragement for me to do the work. It created the safety for me to do the work because you were in a different place. More able to deal with whatever it was I needed to deal with. It created the desire for me to do the work. I mean, it was like this, just so many things. And then I take my turn and I do my mirror work. And then that inspires you and it levels us up as a couple. And then that inspires you to do more mirror work. So instead of focusing so much on trying to fix the other person, it's just mirror work. And I started, I said this, the couples we've worked with always seems like one spouse or the other does the bulk of the work in the beginning. And it's, you know, you hesitate to make sweeping statements like it's always the wife or always the husband, but man, it sure seems like it's the wife a whole lot more often than the husband who does the work first. And then the husband benefits and gets inspired. And it just changes the whole relationship and creates the opportunity for that. We've seen that. That's some of the stuff that's happened between this episode and our last episode is the couples that we've been working with. We've just seen such amazing like miracles, just like It's amazing. Transformational growth, not just in their relationship, in their marriage, but in them as people, like as individuals and in their families. And for the couples that we work with who are in business together, it has impacted their business. Why? Because when mom and dad are fighting, the kids choose sides. And if the kids, you know, they don't have to be biological kids, they can be the kids in the business and meaning the employees. And so just, man, you unite that relationship. Everything gets better. Everything changes. Sure. No, I agree. 100%. You want to talk about it? I don't know what without I, there's one couple in particular that that I know you just, you're already smiling for anybody who's listening. We're also on YouTube. You can watch us there. Just block out my side and just watch Dana because it's much more riveting. But you'll see Dana's face smiling when I without naming anybody, just one specific couple that we've had the joy of working with. And honestly, that's the highlight of your week is the our opportunity to meet with them. Yeah. It's the sweetest joy. They're amazing. You know, it's one thing to go through all of this as a couple. But when, and God's just kind of cool this way, because he will take your mess and make it a message that he works through all the time where it's just like, you don't have to go and decide to do what people get afraid to do, like these big things. And you should have to be willing to share what you learn with somebody else. And, I mean, we're married 28 years now. Back in 2003, our, you know, marriage fell apart and it wasn't the first time. It's like, we've had to start to get begin again, begin again, begin again. I think that's like the sweetest, probably the biggest lesson and sweetest gift about marriage is the, you're with the same person and there's a lot of begin again. And to watch the mess that we both have made, I mean, literally, just just give us a day and we'll mess it up, right? It's like, we any human could mess that up and nobody's exempt. And yet when we put our life back together, now we get to come alongside some of the sweetest, coolest people. And we've done tons of people since 2005. We're, you know, when I'm just, we're thrown into marriage ministry. And we get to meet the coolest people who really want to, I don't think people ever go, you know, get married. And if it doesn't work, I'll get divorced. People say I do and they believe it in the moment. And then life throws some really hard punches that for some, you think, all right, we're going to make it through and you know it, that you will. And there are others, it hits so hard, they, and there's so much stress and you've hit your limit. And it's not that you want to get divorced, but I think a lot of people just get like, they lose hope for whatever a variety of different reasons. And so this one couple in particular, it is just the sweetest joy for me because they literally were brought to us and one of them was totally hopeless. I think, I think both were hopeless for different reasons. And to watch them just share raw, real, hard places they were in, they had been through stuff. And then to watch slowly, one week, one took some big steps and it helped the other. And then the next week, the other, or sometimes it was like three weeks, one and, you know, another week, another, and it's, it was just they, neither one quit and they showed up week after week. And here they are just celebrated an anniversary. They just, when they look at each other, it used to be like no smiles and heavy. And I feel it, I feel it. I only coach, I have learned over the years, I only coach for two reasons. Oh, that's it. I coach when I, when I come across a woman who goes, you know what, I want to get my life right. It's like, count me in. Okay. And I coach when a family's online. That's it. And I know that is a sweet spot for me because I've been there and you don't have to lose hope. And these, this couple now went from heavy. I don't know if we're going to make it to today. We're now with them. Is it a year and a half or so or something like that? And a year and a half, we're watching restoration and a rebuilding of a family, which is just the sweetest gift. It went from him and her to now us and now the benefit. And we're getting to see how the kids are restoring. It's like the sweetest thing. And they're just doing the mirror work. It's like one of those questions we all have to ask. It's like, and this is what God said to me, go ahead and get divorced. But like then what, you're still stuck with you and you are your biggest problem. Right? It's like, you say it all the time, you know, wherever you go, there you are. And it's, it really is. It's like, okay, if you're contemplating divorce, well, there you are. And if you stay married, there you are. So then why don't you just get well and let life play out? Because chances are, if you get well, it's going to go in the direction it's supposed to go. And I believe God is for family. And who doesn't want to make their, you don't have a family thinking, oh, if it doesn't work, we're just going to all go. Yeah. Gosh, there's so much in there. And you're right. That's, so for the, for anybody who's, who's thinking, it will be better if I just leave. I mean, listen, some circumstances, if there's abuse, if it's not safe, then that's a different story. And it really is about safety of you. It's the safety of the kids. In some cases, the safety about the other person, right? I mean, it's, but way more often than not, it's just a matter of, you know, I don't know how to fix this. And like you said, you lose hope. And so it's, my only option is to leave. I think what we've, getting back to the point of the mirror work in every failed relationship, in every failed relationship, it's, there's always accountability on both sides. It may not be 50/50. It might be 95% my fault and 5% your fault, but what's, what's your 5%? That's the mirror work. And, and you can say, I know, but what about my 95%? Well, good luck getting me to do anything. Like, I mean, it's, it's the reality with, we may have talked about this, you could drive yourself nuts trying to change your spouse. And, and the couple that you were just talking about, when you said all they did is they did the mirror work, in the beginning, everybody wants us to fix their spouse. Everybody, it's, and it's understandable. They're not crazy. They're frustrated. They're not, they're, they're not wrong. Their spouse has a lot of work to do, but you know, who's going to do that work, not us and not, not the other spouse. It's, yeah, it's the only person who's going to ever do my work is me. That's it. And you will drive yourself crazy trying to get me to do my work. And the danger is, when you say, well, if you're not doing your work, I'm not doing my work. That's the beginning of the end. That's, that's where we, we, I know we've talked about this in some of the earliest episodes. That's where we moved to withdrawal, right? Where all the issues are still there. We're not living in intimacy at all. We're not communicating. It's just, we're just both unhappy, but we're disconnected emotionally. And that opens the door because you and I don't have intimacy, doesn't mean the need for intimacy goes away. We start trying to fill it in other ways. And, and that's, it's a very dangerous place. So the way you fix any relationship, the way you fix any marriage is not by worrying about the other person's 95%. And I, the truth is, it's rarely 95 and five. Like it's, it may feel like that, right? It may feel like that. But it's amazing how just starting with your 2% or 3% or 5% and then, and you, you, you show up differently and you change and that just that 5%, here's what I've learned. And I, I so wholeheartedly believe that this is for the person who's feeling like, yeah, but my, my spouse doesn't even want to try. I don't think it matters. I, I honestly, I am convinced because we've done it and we've seen other couples. It only takes one. I know that sounds weird because it, it takes two to, to find real intimacy, but it only takes one to choose to show up differently. It only takes one to start doing the mirror work and whatever growth you make automatically changes the relationship. It doesn't, it may not, it's not going to get you all the way back into, out of withdrawal and into conflict and into intimacy. It's not going to get you there, but it's a step. It's like that. And then, and you said it earlier, it is the, this couple, one would do the work while the other maybe swirled or was stuck or was just too angry to even think about it, but one would do the work and then the other would notice and people want to hope. They, you know, even if, even if the beginning, and this happens, the beginning, it's like, well, yeah, but it's only been a few days. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's, but let's, okay. Give it a few more days and see, see if it sticks. And then a few days becomes a week and then a week becomes a month and then, and before you know it, that, that changes everything and invites the spouse who has been sitting by waiting and watching, it invites them to get, to pull out their own mirror and do that work. And so from where this couple started to where they are today, it is a, it is a true miracle. It is a true transformation. The, to go from such deep withdrawal and anger and, and frustration and disappointment and resentment and, and, and lack of intimacy to where they are today. And you've alluded to where their family is today now as well, because, because they change the relationship and that changes the whole dynamic in the family. Everything is different but just by doing the mirror work, that's it. Just by, and it only takes one person and to really commit to it. So there is hope. That's, that's, you know, if you're, if you're listening and you're in that place of hopelessness, there's always hope. There's always something you can do. There is. And it's, you know, it's not, there's, it just takes one and you, and you don't, because I think some people are going to hear this and go, okay, well, I got to be the first one. I got to do it. We're not saying you go and fix your marriage. We're just saying you go and just start changing you. Do the mirror work. Fix you. Don't make any drastic changes yet. Like, yeah. Seeing an attorney, we've done that. Yeah, there's no judging there. I get it. It's just, just start doing the work in the mirror. And it's amazing how things begin to fall into place, how they're supposed to. So I think, you know, if you're, if you're listening, I wanted to say, if you, if you really struggle to wonder, gosh, our marriage, our family is just falling apart. Maybe you're in a family business and it's like you're barely holding on because there's the stress of business and work and, and all the things that come with that, or maybe you're just, there's a lot of dysfunction. Maybe one is in addiction. Maybe kids are bringing some stress and you guys don't know how to handle it. You just have, it's, you're getting bombarded and bombarded. You have walls up. If that's you and you wonder, I don't even know if we can rebuild. Both of us are here to say, we get it. We both have been there. Question it. Sure. I was done. We both saw attorneys. I just thought we, we did go to counselors and there are many out there who will lead you right to the divorce, you know, office and, um, yeah, that's where our counselors were leading. Yeah. And, and really what we want to say to you is we don't want you because here's the other thing. We don't want, we're not on here doing this because we're just, just hold on, you know, stay together. Patrick said that in the beginning, but what if you can actually be better than you've ever been? The one thing, the reason why we're coming on here is because it's like, it's not to just repair the family or even help a marriage go back to like their best days. You'll never get those back. You're way beyond that. We're not even the same people we were last year. We're not. And you know, we've talked about this before. It's like getting back to the good old days or getting back to our best days. I don't want to go there. You know why? Back then in those good old days that we may think are, are some of our best days. She was a lot more ignorant and not as wise and still kind of more selfish. And I don't want to go back. I did, and I don't want you to go back to those good old days. We want to take you better than you have ever been. That you should dream about because that is what's possible. I could promise you we didn't think it was until we actually were proven wrong. We're living it now. Did we have to begin again several times? Yes. Absolutely. And I could tell you it's worth fighting for. And it won't take as long as you think it will. It is a lifelong journey, but there's so much hope. And so if you know somebody who needs help, direct them here. Share these videos. If you are somebody who is ready to start and to begin again, send us a message. You can find us, you know, or you can find us here. You could send a direct message. We will put links to our socials and to our business. If that's something you need, we're here because when a family is on the line, you can count us in. So, right? Yep. Yeah. So I want to address the one question that I'm sure somebody out there is thinking. And that's when we're saying, just start in the mirror. I can hear somebody saying, "Why do I have to do the work?" You can look at your spouse and say, "Why I've gotten nothing. I'm getting nothing from this relationship or from this person or, you know, maybe it's not nothing, but I'm already doing all the work. Why do I have to do, why are you asking me to do more?" And my answer is always the same. You don't have to do all the work. You don't. But if you don't do the work and you're waiting for your spouse to do it,