If It Doesn't Open, It's Not Your Door.

We have all felt the pain of getting cut from a team.

How can you not take it personally?! How can you not look inward and think, I’m inadequate, not valued, not wanted, or not worthy?

Ted and Camilla talk about the feelings associated with being let go from a team and how to navigate the emotions that come with it. 

Want to send Camilla and Ted a message? Or learn more about them?

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Welcome to another discussion from the park bench, where an artist and an athlete explore a new topic and hope to inspire the community's arts and sports. Because we know they matter and play a huge role in shaping our youth and our community. So get comfortable and join us on the park bench.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Morning, Ted.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Good morning, Kamala.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

So um b before we get into the episode, I have uh something to ask. You know, just like kind of a poll, just a life poll has nothing to do with the episode. Okay. So how do you feel about people talking on their phones in public? Like let's say you are at a coffee shop or in a grocery store, and I'm sure like everybody's has this experience, and someone's literally on the phone, like with their best friend, and they're like, oh my gosh, how's everything? It's great. But they don't have their earbuds in. So you literally hear the conversation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

How do you feel about it? Trevor Burrus, Jr. I hate it. I hate it. It's I don't I don't understand. I think that's today's culture. Like even the younger people walk around with the video on constantly. I'm like, I don't want to be a part of your conversation, but it's very annoying when someone just walks down the grocery store aisle and they're talking to Frank, and I have to hear the whole conversation.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Yeah, you're listening to Frank. And can I have to say, in defending of the youth, every time I see it, it's an adult. I have to say that it's always been with an adult. The adult look like what I have experienced is always the moms or the dads, and they're the ones that don't have the earbuds in. And I'm listening to the whole conversation. It's so intrusive on my time. Like not my time, sorry. My um my space. Like now I'm in your conversation.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

I don't want someone to know my conversation. I don't understand why. Like I'm definitely private. So I have like two sets of earbuds on, just to make sure, just in case they can hear what's coming out.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Aaron Powell For sure. I same thing. Like there's so much going on in that dynamic, is I'm in your conversation now. And does the other person on the other end know that I'm listening?

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Trevor Burrus No, I know, I know. The what I was talking about was I have experienced with some kids that are everybody's on what the whatever the video is, whether it's um what is the app one? I can't think of it. The when you're on YouTube. No, not YouTube. No, like big they're just chatting by like looking at each other when they chat. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Like FaceTime?

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Yes, yeah. FaceTime. So they're walking around the house and like I'm in the background. I'm like, can you just go to your room and talk to your friends? Oh yeah. But I think for kids, it's not so much the um just the audio, it's the the video. The video. But yeah, the the lady in the coffee shop. No thank you. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Yeah. But uh yeah, I I agree. It's I'm I'm curious about it. I'm not judging. Obviously, uh I'm not sure. A little bit.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

I mean, there's a there's a little bit of slight judgment?

SPEAKER_00 2:46

I'm just curious. I'm like, what are you thinking is my curiosity, which I guess comes with a hint of judgment. But uh but today we're talking uh about um getting cut from a team or a community and how that impacts um kids, especially um kids and and youth, because um it's it's new an experience, it brings up a lot of emotions. Um but uh yeah, how do how do you feel about it?

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Aaron Ross Powell Yeah, it's it's interesting. Um when when kids try out, I think what the first time that I tried out for a team, I don't think I really knew what was happening. I I'm I'm sure my dad said, we're gonna go try out for this hockey team. I'm like, all right. And you go on the ice and they're telling you to do stuff, and I'm still new to hockey, and and it was all very somewhat disorienting for me. So I don't know that I really understood what was happening. And then I made that team, which I also didn't understand because I was a brand new player, so it was all very confusing. It wasn't like, I tried my best and I made the team, and you know, so I didn't have the experience of getting cut the first time, but I wouldn't have known it would have meant nothing to me because I didn't really understand the process.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Trevor Burrus, Jr.: Just the whole process of and is it like you're being tested, right? It it is like the test in a sense.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Aaron Powell 100%. But I didn't, I mean, I didn't prepare for the test. I just I w only played hockey for a couple of years in this example. But I think that's true for a lot of younger people. When they first try out, it's not like uh it's not like when you're 15 and it really means something. Not that it doesn't mean something, but it's just different because it's not your choice oftentimes, I would say. But yeah. Yeah. So it was uh yeah, for me, and I know making a team, you know, as you get older and you you try out and you make teams, it feels amazing. You know, you're part of a select group uh and you've been chosen to be on that team. So that that all feels really good. I remember making uh a team in my later teens, and I just was excited to have the jersey, which sounds silly, but but I just because I wanted to be I wanted to be part of that team, which I knew about, right? So it did mean a lot. But uh so making a team is a nice way to start, I suppose, and getting cut from a team. It's there is a good feeling attached to that when you kind of know what's happening. Yes. Um but the obviously um the opposite is uh similarly challenging, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Or or when and or when you get cut, or the thing is I I look at it from two perspectives, and we'll we'll look at it from the team side, from the athlete, but also from the artist side, just looking at the creative and more of even in a career. So I see there are two wounds because like they are essentially like wounds or or experiences that kind of leave that mark. So one is being part of a team and being in it, loving it, and then not being so being removed from it for whatever reason, right? And I don't know so much if it comes in sports. Can you mid-season just all of a sudden not be part of a team?

SPEAKER_01 5:35

It would be unusual. It wouldn't be because of your play. Like it's not like in the pro sports where they send you down to the minors. So I would not say that would be the case.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

So so there's like being part of a team and then not, and then there's wanting it so bad, like you said, like you can see the jersey, you you can visualize yourself on the jersey, you just want that jersey, you want it so bad. And then not being part of it, yeah, yeah, those are two very different feelings and emotions that come up with uh a feeling of rejection, right? Right. What did I do? What could I have done? So with being part of a team and being cut, so although it's not really in the sports field, but it is when you're um a creative maybe at a job.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

Right? Yeah. So you've been you're you're in this, especially if you're new. Yeah. Right? All of a sudden you get this new job and you're like, finally I made it. I'm here, I'm doing it, I get to show my creative talents, and then chop, you just get cut.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

I mean, that's uh it's just hits you.

SPEAKER_01 6:33

Yeah, yeah. It's yeah, like many of the things that we talk about, it certainly r relates to life too. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. It doesn't change. It it hurts just as bad when you're an adult. Yeah. Maybe more than when you're a kid.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Yeah. And and so I'll I'll I'll get into that a little bit more. But then there's the second part of wanting to be part of that team and then not making it. So even that job, you go into that interview and you're like, I really can do great here. I know that what I have, my skills, just like a team, just like any community, what I have can contribute. I I have value. Just give me a chance. Put me in, coach. Right, I'm ready to play. Just give me a shot. And then not getting that shot, uh, it's it's the worst. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

It's it's just have you ever experienced that? Like wanting well, when you were I have never been cut.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

Uh no. I uh of course. I mean, it's it's it actually made me think of a previous episode where we talked about um nepotism, right? So that kind of plays into this space where it's not always that you're not the right choice. It just for a variety of factors you weren't picked. But yeah, I mean, have have I ever been in a space where I didn't get what I wanted? Yeah, plenty of times. I mean, you think about in sports for sure. Actually, one of the more traumatic experiences in retrospect was um I was a pretty good house league hockey player, always score goals, best on my team, sort of thing. So my dad had me try out for in uh where I grew up, it was called the Little NHL. So no pressure. Trevor Burrus, Jr. That's cute. But it was well, cute. That's what my mom would say. Uh but so they try out season. So I I tried out for three different teams and got cut from all of them, right? So uh it was I mean, at the time, you know, you don't really not take responsibility for it, but but I thought I I was in the practice, I'm scoring goals. I don't know why I got cut. So who knows why? It's a tough decision, but as a kid, you don't understand it. And and so it it was very difficult. And I think that sort of shaped my desire to try out in the future. But definitely I've been I have been cut for sure.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Aaron Ross Powell Well, that's exactly what goes through not just a kid but even adult, but for kids for sure, because it's a new experience is what did I do?

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

What I'm not good. Like clearly I'm not good. What am I, who am I, what am I even doing? It's all about me. Like I I did this, um, and this outcome is because of my lack of ability, my lack of skill. Like, how can you not take a confidence hit? Yes. But there's this awesome quote. You actually sent it to me. Uh-huh. And it's you didn't say it, you just sent it to me. It was if it doesn't, it was an image of a door, and it says, if it doesn't open, it's not your door.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

Amazing.

unknown 9:18

It isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 9:19

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Like that says so much, me too, because I mean, you can't help but but feeling like it's you and your confidence. But at the same time, it wasn't your door. It's not where you were meant to be. And it's so hard to feel that in that moment for anyone, regardless of what it is. But I feel it's so true. If you look at it that way, it's like, oh well, it's not my door.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

It is hard to have that perspective, especially when you're younger. But I mean it's it's brilliant. And that's, I think, why it resonates with us, because we've been through those things. We're like, you know what, it wasn't my door. But the thing I think too about this is that when kids I don't want to pull away from your point, but when you don't make a team or you don't kind of get what you want, who's helping you walk the path of the rejection, right? Because it's that's the hardest part. Like when I got cut from those three teams, you know, my dad was amazing, but didn't say, here's what you have, here's how you think about it. Nor did the coach say, you know what, here's what you can work on to get better. There was no solution. It was just a cold cut. Yeah. And you know, I think part again, I don't want to pull away from what you're saying, but I think that's an important piece to being cut, especially for the younger generation or the younger people, is if you're doing the cutting, have the responsibility of walking them down the path of here's how you can get better, or here's what where I think you can improve. And then it's up to the person to decide, do I want to do this or not, right? But yeah, it's just hard to be cut and then you're done. And if no one walks you, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

That's well, we talk about it in almost everyone, but it's community, right? It's having those other um influencers takes a village. It really does. Yeah, yeah. Because it's those other people around you that uh how does it make you feel like a lot of times when something would happen to me and my parents would just be like, oh, well, let's get some ice cream and just call it a day. Like it was like ice cream.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

But let's let's take a deeper dive when you have a moment or how are you feeling? Like, how does this make you feel? And and that is like, what are you feeling inside, rather than just like, oh, well, just suck it up and move on. You really need to kind of be in that moment. And I think having those different people around you in that support system at that time is so important because even the coach may come up to you and say something different. They may even say, you know, you just weren't, you weren't right for this, or or uh, or your your peer or a teacher or your aunt or your mom or dad. Yeah. Right. I remember once um, you know, and my son tried out, uh he applied to be um like to work at a restaurant.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

And and he was doing, you know, just the busing, because that's where you start. Right. And the owner was like, kid, you are fantastic. Like you are truly you're you're funny, you're smart, but this is not the space for you. And it's true. There are some spaces that are just not the space for you. Not your door. No. Not your door, exactly. If I were to try out for a hockey, well, I wouldn't I wouldn't never. They would literally be able to do it. Not your arena. And they would say this, and I say this with peace and love. What are you doing here?

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

And um and so but some but you have to try, right? You have to try.

SPEAKER_01 12:32

And to your point, too, I think, and I'm guilty of this too. You don't want to like you've just cut this kid, they might be crying in front of you. Who knows what? You don't want to be you don't want to make it worse. But honesty is the most important thing. Like they will whether they're listening to you or not. Like I think as a coach or a leader, you just have to be honest because we we're all going to fail, right? And I think that's the hard part is can you be honest in those moments to say, listen, Camelog, um your skating is terrible. Right? Or whatever. Or say, you know, how you can improve. Because then then it's back to you to decide, you know, is this what I want to do?

SPEAKER_00 13:09

But well, and how you deliver that honesty too. It's like you suck rather than have you ever thought about anything else? Like that actually goes back to when I was second year at at school and they literally were-oh no, it was my first year, and they were like, have you ever thought of accounting? What are we saying? No, me in numbers? That's the same thing. So, how you deliver that honesty. But um from a career perspective, if you're looking at the creative and and artists that's going down that space, I've been part of some wonderful teams um in throughout my career. And for whatever reason, my own accord, theirs, I was no longer with that team. And it sucks. Yeah. It yeah, it doesn't matter your age, it is the worst because that's where you want to, unless you were truly unhappy. But it is a relationship. So putting my relationship coach hat on, it is a relationship. And when a relationship ends, you really have to look at it from two sides. What did I was I really giving my best? Was I really in this 100%? Is there something I could have done? Was it w completely one-sided? Um, did we did we work at it the best? Did I communicate my needs? Did I change the dynamic? Because sometimes you could be in a job and you're like, this is what I thought I wanted. But while you're in there, part of a team, part of a community, growth happens. And then you realize, wait a minute, this is now I've changed the dynamic of this relationship. Maybe this isn't what I wanted, and your outcome is different, and it it could change.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

No, for sure. It's funny, you maybe think about um I was at a job for almost 10 years and then um I wasn't on that team anymore. And the hardest part was uh saying goodbye to everybody. Like that the relationship. Even though I had, to your point, I kind of had outgrown. I really didn't want to be there anymore. Um but I I what I missed immediately was just the community because I was no longer part of that team. I wasn't I mean, I could go back to the building, but but essentially like you're you're cut, right? So you there is a definite feeling of that's a tough one to get through for sure.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

Aaron Ross Powell And you know, on that note, you know what's funny about that is you're so close with them and they're they're saying all these wonderful things when you leave, and yet you're never in touch with them again. It's like that team moves on without you, and there's a bit of a loss there. And they all think you're great, but for whatever reason, that team just continues on. That community just keeps going without you. And you thought for a moment, maybe they can't go on without me. You know, maybe I was needed, or but not having those connections is also it's it's a loss. So it's a relationship that you have with that job, but with the people within it.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

Yeah. And and we're maybe getting a bit uh far from the sort of concept of being cut, but but when you do have that experience, everything No, I'm not. Maybe it's me. But you I mean, everything uh adds to your life experience. So the 10 years that I had there is not for nothing. It's I have so many connections, so many people I know, it helps you in the next step, right? So you're while you're leaving the community, the community kind of stays with you because it's been a part of you the whole time.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

Aaron Ross Powell Well that's why and the same with the team. Like it does apply to sports at the same time because if you're no longer with that team for whatever reason, age group, you move, right? You are no it's it's a separation of that team. Being cut, being removed, no longer on it, there is a loss, right? Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

That's a good point. Yeah. My daughter just switched team. Well, she plays House League Soccer, and her team this year is completely different from her team last year. And it's the same way with her changing classes. Again, it's not getting cut, but it's that loss of sort of family. And every year she starts, she's like, oh, this is the worst class. These people, I don't know them. This team is terrible. Like she loves her team this year, by the way.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

So everyone's like, Oh, yeah, you have to be careful.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

No, no, she does. She does, but but it's that initial feeling of, oh, it's not what it was. My family's gone. Yes. In quotes, right? But then she quickly says, Wow, this is these are the best. Like these I'm like with a swing of emotion, but it's just you're going through it because you're young, right? It's all brand new.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

So you can't help but compare. If she's part of this new team, then you can't help compare to the old one. They do things differently, they talk differently, the the change room is different, everything is different. But different change is is is scary and and just fear sets in, and you're like, am I gonna fit in? But eventually you adapt and you know it.

SPEAKER_01 17:56

No, and I'm glad that she communicates that as she's going through, like she's an open book, which is amazing, right? Where my son is less less so boys, tend to be. I know it's no blanket statements, but but uh so that was not one. But but but no, but it's nice to see her sort of just grow through the first few weeks of a season or or the first few weeks of a new class. Like it's just wonderful to see how her brain's working. And and it kind of brings to light what we're talking about, that the cut or being removed from a group, there's you know positives and negatives, right? So um yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

And and growth. What did we learn um, you know, if this door wasn't meant for me, w what door is, right? Yeah. So it's it's taking from it, and it's hard at that moment, I know, and this is where community comes from, like it's hard to see it in that moment because all you feel is rejection and hurts.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

But you really want to think about where is my next door? Yeah. And and how can I learn from not being a part of this one? Can I approach the next door differently? Will the next door open? Did this open because of me or or because of what was behind it? Like there's so many variables at play.

SPEAKER_01 19:03

Aaron Powell You know what's amazing too, uh, because I think I have a positive approach to life. There's always another door, right? Like you don't know in the moment, but when you have life experience, you've not never been part of a team again. I mean, it's there's always another group. There's so many people, there's so many groups. You just have to keep going in the direction that you want to go into. You will find another group. Like that's that is just the truth, right? I know.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

It's so hard, especially when you're young. You think that's the door. Like you think there is no other doors. Oh, there's going to be so little. This was really the one. This was the this was meant for me. It had my colors on it. It literally had like it was mine. How come I didn't get it?

SPEAKER_01 19:40

I know, I know. So um I'm curious about when you were younger, you were a huge sports player. Everybody knows that.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

The jerseys you have on the wall and some of the participation ribbons? My gosh.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

I can't fit them into the book anymore. Trevor Burrus, Jr.: So do you have an experience of being younger and being cut or removed or not making a group or not a team, but even but so tell me when that's what I mean? So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

So on as a kid, even if it's not an organized sport, just on the playground. Yeah. Like clearly my um athletic ability was visible that when I would kick a ball, geez, you ever kicked a ball?

SPEAKER_01 20:25

You mean invisible. Is that what you meant to say? I'm joking.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

There's your joke. Falls flat. No, but so when I'm picked for a team, uh or not picked for a team. So schoolyard pickings. Right. I mean, I was always the the last one to be picked. It's just like, oh gosh, is she gonna be on our team? You know, because I didn't have the abilities. I I I was like not coordinated. And can I be can that's why I just want to be a cheerleader. Can I just cheer from the side? Do I really need be need to be a part of this? And that even comes even in my adulthood, is right, when when you're picking, like even if it's like pick up volleyball. Yeah. You know, okay, you can just be part of this team. It's all fun. It's all it's all just good fun. Yeah, it's good fun until I'm out there and I drop a ball or I can't serve it.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

But of course, and you can't help but that last person being chosen, being picked on a team, it's the worst. You're standing there and you're literally visibly the last person. You know?

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:29

Let's have a dr uh a paint off. Let's turn this into something else.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

But uh but sometimes there were some physical things, like in terms of the sports space that I was good at. Yeah. You know, and and that made me feel good. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

It doesn't have to be sports. I mean because it could be in the arts too, where you didn't get to be part of a group. Like how did you process that? What did your parents say to you? That's kind of what I was getting at.

SPEAKER_00 21:53

Yeah, for sure. Well, I I felt like, you know, if if I'm looking back, I always processed it on my own. I didn't really. I mean my parents were there, but they never really talked about it in that way. Like we talk about how do you feel? It was more or less the let's get the ice cream and and you're you'll be fine. Let's just do something else rather than talk about that moment. So I feel like I would uh process it in different ways. I would color, I would, you know, draw it out, I would go to a happy place or or just kind of you know think about it uh in in myself and just you know try to figure out what happened.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

You would self-soothe in a way, right? Totally. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

Well I did so when I grew up, I grew up in the country. So there wasn't it was like any kind of childhood n street yard neighborhood. That wasn't that didn't happen. Yeah. Um so it was a lot of times in my head, that's I think that's where the creativity actually really um was fueled, is because I had to be creative. Right. And I would, this is so sad, but I would literally set up all my dolls and I would be a teacher to them and I would tell stories to them. And you know, that was but yeah. Anyways, back to feeling in that moment of of being cut and not being part of it. Sometimes you can work through it on your own. It's it's difficult. I don't think you really can unless you talk to someone about it. Maybe you can, but it's always good to talk to someone about it, you know, or someone that experienced the same thing. Yeah, of course. You know, when you see it happen and you're not, oh, when you're not that person, when you're the third person to be chosen, and then you see that last person that's chosen and you see the look on their face. Yes, and you can completely relate to them. Well, it would be great if you can just go up to them and say, you know, I was the last person last time. Yes. You know, just to have them feel that I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I've been there. Even that can so help that person that was at the very end.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Aaron Powell Yeah, it's funny. I think about this from um what would a parent do, what would a coach do? But you're right, teammates or people that are briefly your teammate. You know, it would be great if they and again it's putting a lot on younger people, but but you know, those that have it would certainly help. It would help to say, you know, don't worry, like you're a good player or whatever. Keep your head up, like to have that, you know, your I think, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Your peers I think would be the best person to say.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Yeah, they're just like never happens to be.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

No, because they're like, woohoo, I'm on the team, and you just like slump walk away. But can you imagine if one of them came up to you and said, you know, you did really good. Like that would just be I did? Yeah, you did. You just you know, that would be amazing. But yeah, it doesn't happen a lot. But but it it could, you know. So yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyways, it it is it it's a confidence hit. And you can't help but but wonder did is it me? Is it is it my skills, and could I have done it any differently? And the thing is, is maybe later another opportunity can arise, you know, and you can look at it from a different way. And every time it's like that learning moment to help you tools for the next time.

SPEAKER_01 25:03

Exactly. It it's um you're right. Life is a long journey, right? So it's a marathon, you might say.

SPEAKER_00 25:09

It is, it is a marathon. Yeah. So did we connect or collide on this one? Well, you I I took a couple of shots, I think, for my I never really take any shots about you for your non-artistic ability.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

We're out of time. But uh thank you everybody for joining us today. I mean, that's that is a shot. It is, it is a little, yeah. That's but that's okay. But I think we connected on this one. Yes, so I I think so too.

SPEAKER_00 25:32

Yeah, yeah. Agreed. But we uh would love to, as always, hear what you thought of the episode, what you think of uh what we say. Is it offside? Oh, there you go. Whoa, sports terms. Is it on the mark? Um just head to uh uh from theparkbench.ca, leave a comment there. Please follow us um on uh Spotify, we're on Apple, we're on all the platforms, and thank you to Bart Mart for um helping us produce. And thank you, Ted, for another wonderful episode of chat soon from the park bench.