brb crying

025: moana & "marigolds": sisterhood, ancestry, & choosing yourself

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0:00 | 57:40

This week, Nins & Arns explore two moving stories about identity, family, belonging, and the people who shape us.

Arns revisits Disney's Moana (2016) and discovers an entirely new meaning hidden beneath the beloved animated film. What once felt like a story about adventure becomes a powerful reflection on self-worth, healing, ancestral wisdom, intergenerational trauma, and the courage it takes to choose yourself.

Then Nins shares "Marigolds" by Andrea Bejar, a hauntingly beautiful indie folk song about sisterhood, growing up, and grieving the versions of our relationships that can never exist quite the same way again. Through memories of childhood and her relationship with her older sister, she reflects on love, change, nostalgia, and what it means to carry someone with you through every stage of life.

Together, these stories spark a conversation about family, sisterhood, identity, memory, ancestry, personal growth, and the people who help us become who we are.

Content warning: grief, death of a grandparent, discussions of loss, nostalgia, family relationships, and emotional themes surrounding growing up.

0:00 - Intro
5:04 - Giveaway reminder
6:31 - Arns: Moana
29:21 - Nins: "Marigolds" by Andrea Bejar
55:18 - Outro

Referenced in this episode:

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brb crying—hosted by longtime best friends Nins & Arns—is a podcast where we explore the songs, books, TV shows, films, pop culture moments, and personal stories that help us laugh, cry, heal, and feel a little less alone. Crying is our superpower, and by sharing what makes us cry in a way that makes us laugh, we show how crying helps us connect with ourselves and each other.

Intro

SPEAKER_01

Hi, I'm Angela Nann. I'm Ariana Kempis. And this is BRB Crying.

SPEAKER_02

Hello everyone. Welcome back to BRB Crying. I'm Ariana, also known as Arnes.

SPEAKER_01

And I'm Angela, also known as Ninz. And gosh darn it, we cried again. We just keep doing it. We keep freaking crying like every week. And then just like stumble on this couch. It's so weird how we just I show up here and you're here too. Like I'm here, and then we have like stories to tell each other. It's and they're always about why we're crying. Yeah. Yeah. Uncanny. Weird, right? Just week after week. Yeah. So uh thank you for stumbling upon us as well. Hello. Hello. Welcome to our show where we unpack our feelings.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Because we're not afraid of them. Mm-mm. They're good. They're awesome. They're incredible.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. If you're new here, it's a comedy podcast. Yes, we know the content is about crying, but I mean, we're just like really naturally funny. So they it's so honestly what a burden. My God.

SPEAKER_02

So what's up?

SPEAKER_01

My girl sick again. I I'm hearing a little bit of vocal strain. I'm talking about my daughter. No, I know, but I feel like for me? Yeah. Are you just like yelling out into the void?

SPEAKER_02

No, I'm just also sick for three weeks. No, I'm just also like not quite 100% because of her. Yeah. But yeah, she has a little skin infection. Just throw a little lotion on it. Yeah, you're right. Why haven't I thought of that? Um, yeah, so she's been home and I've been at home stuck with her. So Okay. You know, you pay for daycare, an arm and a leg, and then the kid gets sick for 75% of the month. Yeah. So, you know, hopefully this is the last time she ever gets sick ever in her life. My entire life. Yeah. Knock on wood. Yeah. That's just that's just hope. So so I'm okay. I'm dealing with that. Cool, cool. How about you?

SPEAKER_01

I'm okay.

SPEAKER_02

Can't complain.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Been walking a lot outside. Today was the only sunny day, and I couldn't even manage to squeeze a walk-in. Oh, really? I had therapy, um, but I I did it outdoors. Like I do it over Zoom. Oh, okay. Outdoors with my legs like sticking out in the sun, so I can at least get sunlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

There you go. It was pouring rain yesterday, and I still really wanted to walk. And so I like my apartment complex has a little gym and the treadmill faces these big windows. So I was like, you know, I love that. It was kind of a vibe though, because that's cool. You know, the water was pouring out. I felt like I was in a movie. Yeah. No, I love that that's an option for you.

unknown

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I just walk around my house and I'm like, okay. It's really small. So, you know, I'm just walking in circles. So I'm glad you have that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty much it. Okay. It's been pretty low-key. Love it. But we love it.

SPEAKER_02

We love low-key.

SPEAKER_01

We love low-key. My God. I'm still tired from the holidays and it's been like two months.

SPEAKER_02

I'm tired from I feel like the first 20 years of my life just being so filled with drama. Like, I I don't know how to explain it. I guess I've been thinking about this a lot lately. You know, just like kids and like feelings. Like big feelings of being a teenager. And like it's been over 10 years, but I'm just like, when I think back on that time, I'm fucking exhausted. Like that was so tiring to like care so much about all those things and like have so many like big feelings that I didn't know what to do with, didn't know how to process them, didn't know how to like ground myself. Yeah. I mean, we're doing it now. I'm making up for it now.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we're making up for it real bad. Overcompensating, if you will. Yeah. That's so funny for me to hear you describe your childhood as a drama. I thought you were chill. It was fine.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it was Yeah. Overall, pretty chill. In the moment, the feelings are just so big when you're small. Yeah. They are. Anytime Sana doesn't get her way, she does this thing where she her face goes like And then like you say something funny, and then she turns around and she's like laughing, so you know she's fucking faking it. Right. But like, God, it's like again, I should empathize with her. It's hard being small. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Just throw a little lotion on it.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Okay. All right.

Giveaway reminder

SPEAKER_01

You seem like you are bursting with an announcement for us. Am I? I am. I think so.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. Beautiful Eden. Folks, we got a giveaway going on. This is our last week. We're going to be drawing this week, but we are giving away a BRB crying hat. If you write us a review on Apple and you screenshot it and send it to us, you can DM it to us or email us. Hello at BRB CryingPodcast.com. And then on socials, we are at BeerB Crying. If you screenshot that and send it to us, we will enter you into a drawing to win a hat. A very, very cute hat. Incredibly cute. So get that review in if you're still lagging, like this is it. You know, we're we're drawing this week. So and then uh you can check our socials at beer be crying.podcast to see who the winner is.

SPEAKER_01

It might be you. It might be you. And listen up, even though this is gonna be the end of our giveaway, you can still write us reviews and tell us how much you love the pod here. We're not gonna stop you.

SPEAKER_02

We won't.

SPEAKER_01

So yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Alrighty.

SPEAKER_02

All right. Do we do this? Fuck me up. Hmm. We'll see. I might. I might not. I don't know. I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna read my little story.

Arns: Moana

SPEAKER_02

Let me spend five minutes unlocking the iPad. Alright. Today I'm gonna talk about something that I actually like I really didn't want to talk about. Not to be dramatic about it, but I just it almost feels like it's against my will that I'm talking about this.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

I cried about this a few weeks ago, but since that moment passed, I haven't stopped thinking about it. And that's because I'm forced to relive it every single day with my toddler. And I'm just like, oh my god, like again. Oh my god. Every day, multiple times a day. Do you have any guesses? No. I don't know. I guess you don't pay attention to my life. Uh today I'm gonna talk about Moana.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, okay. So Bitch, I was supposed to remember that.

SPEAKER_02

You're of course. Okay, I'm I'm not talking about Moana 2, which came out in November of 2024. Uh, but the first Moana. So I remember watching Moana in theaters when it came out almost nine years ago now. And I was like, this is pretty good, you know. I cried. Uh but I I hadn't re-watched it since because in my memory I was like, oh, that was pretty good. But not good enough to rewatch. But but then Sana got sick, you know, as she's been, and so we were like, fuck this. We don't care about limiting her screen time. First it was frozen, like it was fun at first, because it was the first movie that she actually like sat down and watched, like in full. Yeah. Uh I mean, I think we still had to split into two parts, but like she watched the whole thing, and then like she was obsessed with the songs. Yeah. Well, yeah, she hasn't seen a screen in her whole life. Ever. Um But yeah, it was like, I mean, it was fun. Like, I love the music, but then it became like a month of like, Elsa, please. Yeah. Like, oh my fucking god. So we were like, all right, this fucking needs to stop. So I was like, let's do Moana because I heard Moana 2 was a big crier. So I've been really wanting to watch it. But then I watched Moana 1 and I was sobbing all over the place. So I was like, okay, okay. So here I am talking about it. I wanted to talk about something a little bit more like, oh, like indie, like a smaller, cooler. But I'm talking about fucking Disney.

SPEAKER_01

Here's the thing we cry about everything. Thank you. Everything. Yeah. And sometimes they are mainstream Disney movies.

SPEAKER_02

Mainstream is the word.

SPEAKER_01

That's the perfect word.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Alright, so some kuc-ka-ka context. If you listener have not had the pleasure of experiencing Moana, this is an animated film by Disney that premiered in 2016. And it's starring Alii Cravajo as the voice of Moana and Dwayne the Rock Johnson as Maui. I'm doing the eyebrow thing if you can't tell. Yeah, beautiful. Um, the music was written and composed by our dude, Lynn Memwell Miranda. Who's that? Um, he's just this guy from like Puerto Rico. Um and then also Opataia Foai and then Mark Mancina wrote the score or composed the score. And many brown people, such as myself, were really excited to see Moana premiere because it was like probably the one of the first times we've seen ourselves represented on screen in animated form by Disney. And while Filipinos don't necessarily identify as Pacific Islanders, because we reserve that term for the people that are indigenous to Polynesia, Micronesia, Melanesia, we do share ancestral ties with them. And so some of these islands include Samoa, Tonga, uh the Maori in New Zealand, Hawaii, Fiji, Guam. And so there are literally thousands of small islands in this region. And there's been a lot of discourse around kind of the integrity and accuracy of lumping all of these cultures and countries together for the sake of this film. But overall, I think the general consensus is like this is still a huge step for Disney to do this in terms of representation, and it's uh it's a source of pride for a lot of Polynesians. So we'll leave it at that. Alright, plot. I don't really want to belabor this because I feel like most people will have probably watched this, and if they didn't want to watch it, I don't know how to make them want. I mean, I mean But who maybe you will. Maybe you will after this. I don't know. Okay, so I should spoiler alert, I'm gonna spoil a movie that's nine years old. But I'll keep it pretty high level. So Moana hails from a Polynesian island called Motunui, and she is next in line to be the village chief. Her entire life she's been drawn to the sea, but she's been forbidden from sailing beyond the reef by her father, who is the current village chief. So her people on this island worship a goddess named Tefiti. But legend has it that a thousand years ago, as a gift to the humans, there's a demigod named Maui, and he stole the goddess's heart. Literally. You know, he didn't like, ooh, fall in love with her, no, like green glowing stone. Uh, and it was so treasured because it supposedly had the capacity to create life. But then he was struck down by this monster named Takah, and then for the next a thousand years, he was never to be seen again. So, back on Moana's island, the villagers are starting to panic because there are no fish, the crops are suddenly dying, and they're like, dude, we don't have food, what are we gonna do? And Moana knows that the answer lies in sailing beyond the reef and finding Maui and then restoring the heart of Tafiti. But her dad is still super adamant about her not going, but her grandma, matriarch of the family, she calls herself the village crazy lady, reveals to her a secret, and that is that their people descend from voyagers. So Grandma shows Moana this hidden cave where the ships have been basically laying dormant for who knows how long, probably hundreds of years. And Moana takes this as a sign, like, oh, I'm not crazy. This call to the sea is in my blood. But later that night, her grandma has an accident, and then she's basically like on her deathbed, and uh she's on the brink of passing away, and then she hands Moana this glowing green stone, and it's the heart of Tefiti, and she tells Moana to journey beyond the reef despite her father's wishes, despite the fact that they're all terrified about what lays beyond. And so she sails away to find Maui, and then together they restore the heart. So when did I cry? Many, many times. First of all, the music. Uh I could do a whole episode on just the music. It's so f I mean Lynn Manuel is a genius, but it's the Polynesian music that really fucks me up. Like when she walks into the water the first time.

unknown

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01

It's not the first time, but like that scene with the wave is the first one. When the wave is giving her.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, so in that scene, I guess I could talk about that scene. The wave is that's the first time it gives Moana the heart of Tefiti. Because it brings her in and it gives her the rock. And then she drops it, but the grandma gets it. And that's why the grandma's been holding on to it that whole time. But yeah, that's the music. The music. Ooh. It's chilling. It's chilling. It's haunting. You don't even have to necessarily know what it's about. But by the way, that song is called Innocent Warrior. Um need I say more. But even just the intro when like the fucking the Disney castle comes up. It's no, I swear to God, it's called Tulo Tagaloa. It's the song that goes Tulo. Oh yeah. Tagaloa. Okay. So in Samoan, I just had to write this down because it's this is what it means. Respectfully calling the god of the sea so you can see our world. So you can see my world. So you can understand how beautiful and good, so you can see our wonderful way of life. Huh? Huh? Fuck. Okay, this is an aside, but not too long after Moana premiered, there was a video that popped up on YouTube, and it was a group of basically like a children's choir. I fucking know you're talking about it. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Of course I had to look it up to make sure it was still on. You know, you know, I just need to download it just in case they ever take it down. So it's called Saints of Performing Art Trusts, and they're these kids from New Zealand. I went down a whole rabbit hole for maybe like one or two hours, just like, where are these kids now? Um but this is so good. I was wrecked. Oh my god, these children, they're like so pure, and like to me, that was what was so beautiful about Moana. Like, oh, these kids, these are the kids who see themselves on the screen. Right, right. Oof. I'll link it in the show notes. I want to watch it now. Pause recording. Um, so yeah, in short, music, incredible. Okay, but when I watched it in 2016, I did cry uh for a couple of different reasons. It was, I think, one of the more standard, obvious reasons. Like she says bye to her grandma who passes away, and that's grandma's the only person who's ever accepted her. Her grandma comes back to her in the form of a spirit and helps her find her way. And then the end scene, spoiler alert, when Moana is restoring the heart of Tafiti. She does it? Yeah, she does it, dude. No way! Find out, which I was like, when I was watching it, I was like, this is like Dan Dadan episode seven, the one I talked about in episode 22, where it was it was the same concept of like you realize that the goddess is just the monster, just with this hardened exterior, because she's forgotten who she is because of like the pain and the suffering. All that cried, cried, yay! Yeah, you know. But the scene I wanted to talk about today that I don't know if I cried back then. The crab that steals all the jewelry. Shine. Please. Please. I was wrecked. No. The scene I wanted to talk about is when Maui and Moana are arguing. They've just had their first confrontation with Tika, the monster that's guarding Teffiti. And Maui is pissed because he told Moana, like, we gotta go back. And she's being really stubborn. She's like, no, we have to do this, we have to do this. So they get into this whole fight, his hook, his magic hook, basically broken. And Maui back on the boat is insisting, like, without this hook, I'm nothing. And Moana says, No, you need to help me restore the heart of Tafiti. You need to, you know, I'm Moana Motonui. You must board my ship, sail across the sea, and restore the heart. And she's basically saying, the ocean chose me for this task. I have to see it through. This is why we have to do this. And Maui is so over it, so he tells her, Well, the ocean chose wrong. And then he fucking flies away. Really fucked up. But Moana's obviously really defeated, and she begs the ocean to take the heart back and find someone else to do it, and choose someone else to do it. And the ocean reluctantly agrees, takes it, drops it to the bottom of the ocean floor. And at this point, Moana has, you know, she's reached rock bottom herself, and her grandmother appears to her in the spirit form. And this is when the song I am Moana slash Song of the Ancestors plays. And by the end of the scene, Moana has firmed her resolve and decides that she will, in fact, deliver the heart of deffiti. So I'm gonna play that whole scene for you. It's like five minutes.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I'm really glad that you're actually being as detailed with the summary because yeah, I've seen it, but I don't really remember it because I don't have a two-year-old that's uh watching this every day. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. So you do that every day.

SPEAKER_02

We listen to it on Spotify, and whenever the song comes up, I skip it. Okay. I already described the whole scene. I did that on purpose because I didn't want to describe it after. So for the entire film, I just played the scene for Nins, by the way, and if you have Disney Plus, or I guess if you're watching the film, it starts around the 117 hour mark. So for the entire film, Moana is propelled by the fact that the ocean chose her to deliver the heart of Tahiti. And that's what makes her special. But after this confrontation with Maui, she's shaken because for the first time she's questioning whether she's truly special and whether she was even worthy of being chosen. And so when her grandma visits her, she asks Moana, Do you know who you are? And in response, Moana sings, I am the girl who loves my island. I'm the girl who loves the sea. It calls me. I am the daughter of the village chief. We are descended from voyagers who found their way across the world. They call me. I've delivered us to where we are. I've journeyed farther. I'm everything I've learned and more, but still it calls me. And the call isn't out there at all. It's inside me. And then she dives into the ocean and she grabs the heart of Tafiti. And in watching this again, I realize that this is the first time Moana has sought the heart of Tahiti herself. Every other time she was tasked with delivering the heart of Tafiti, it was someone else telling her to. It was the ocean choosing her as a child, and then her grandmother handing it to her on her deathbed. So up until this point, Moana thinks she's special only because someone else has told her she's special and that she's the chosen one. But she doesn't actually believe it until this moment when she chooses herself. And this is kind of just like how it goes, you know. We we grow up forming this idea of who we are based on what everyone else says we are. You know, we're told we're loud or shy or confrontation. Or we're passive, or we're special, or we're ordinary. And the way we see ourselves is actually this amalgamation of what everyone else sees when they look at us. But in order for us to heal and move forward, we have to let go of these perceptions, even if they're, you know, quote unquote good qualities. Because in the end, all that really matters is how we perceive ourselves and what we know to be our truth. When people don't choose us, it's the worst feeling in the world. When people do choose us, it's the best feeling in the world. But it's so volatile. And the way people perceive us is more of a reflection on them than us. So for that reason, there's nothing as beautiful and powerful as choosing yourself. So on the surface, I think Moana seems like it's a story about following your heart and your dreams, no matter what other people say. But I think it's so much more than that. For me, at least, watching it again, it's been about kind of questioning and dismantling your truth and then rebuilding it until it's this clear reflection of what's actually truly in your heart. And only then we can we can begin to heal. Like this sounds kind of crazy, but it's like kind of a model for healing intergenerational trauma, like overcoming these limiting beliefs about yourself. And then one of the most beautiful scenes, I think, is at the end when because Moana has been able to heal and choose herself, she can fully come into this identity or this role as like this wayfinder. And because of that, her entire island can begin sailing again. And so they like all set off on the sea, and kids are playing and like feeling the water, and there are so many generations who lost that because of the pain and the suffering and all these other like attachments and things like that. But it was just wow, like just because she chose to to heal that, she could open it up for everyone else. Yeah, they will they're experiencing life and this whole world differently.

SPEAKER_01

2016, this came out. Oh, that was like my peak dumb bitch era, so I probably didn't dwell on that stuff.

SPEAKER_02

I was crying so hard when I watched this a couple weeks ago because I was like, I was like, you know, we've been talking recently about how interesting it is to re-watch or re-experience something and to experience it entirely differently because of where you are at in your life. And I was seeing in this movie like what I'm experiencing in my own life, right? Like that decision to let go of good or bad, you know, these things that I hold on to so tightly about who I think I am, and like I was doing one of those limiting belief practices that I know we had talked about. And I was like, oh, I have so many, which one do I choose? And this is the one that I happen to land on. Like, I only see myself as good or you know, whatever else in relation to, you know, how others see me. And obviously it's so much easier said than done to let go of how people see you. But like I asked myself, like, what would I say about myself if I got rid of all those identifiers, right? How do I see my like is the one thing that I know to be true about myself that I'm smart and like you know, like Will my report card settles right here? Exactly. And I realized, like, oh, I think that the most important thing to me about myself is that I strive to be this walking embodiment of love. Like, period. That's it. Everything else is just just a fraction of who I am.

SPEAKER_01

It's such a journey to even figure out who you are, let alone only see yourself in that way. And I think that's something that you and I are really, really prioritizing right now is just learning how to listen to ourself versus feeling pressured to do this or that because someone says so. I mean, there were a lot of things that hit me on that. I mean, yes, this active decision of like I can decide my destiny, but also just like honoring our ancestors in that way and everything that has been done to bring you into this world. Like, yes, you are amalgamation of that, but that's not all you are. It was like a beautiful way to pay tribute to that, then also forge your own path.

SPEAKER_02

I have delivered us to where we are and I've journeyed farther. Yeah. The call isn't out there at all. It's inside. The fuck? You know, it may be mainstream, but Disney, you got me again.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you know, I feel like we cry so much more because we are purposely choosing to not hold it in anymore. Like, I remember watching this in 2016. I think I was with Lou and like his siblings. Like, I'm pretty sure he brought like wine into the theater. Don't tell anyone. And like, I'm sure I was so embarrassed to hell fast, like trying to wipe the teeth away. Like, you know, but it's like we're just we're just letting that shit roll through, you know. I'm thinking about after Wicked when I was just thinking about me watching Wicked movie.

SPEAKER_02

I sat there and like everyone started walking away and I was like openly sobbing. And I was like, how could someone else just 10 minutes? I wouldn't move. I was immobilized.

SPEAKER_01

No, like the last 10 minutes of the movie, it was just a free-flowing, like it was just open weeping, you know.

SPEAKER_02

Doesn't it feel so good though to just like to welcome that? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I mean, like I had my sister-in-law on my other side, hi, I'm at this. And it was just like uh, yeah, there's no shame anymore. I'm gonna fucking cry. Yeah. I'm pretty sure she was crying too. And it was like uh, let's just create this safe space for us to fucking cry during movies.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Imagine being on your deathbed, like, I wish I didn't cry in front of those people. Like, I feel like I just need to reframe my whole life that way. Like, am I gonna be regretting this on my deathbed? If not, then fuck it.

Nins: "Marigolds" by Andrea Bejar

SPEAKER_02

All right.

SPEAKER_01

What you got for me? Okay. I'm a little nervous. Oh, because when I was putting this story together yesterday, it was like a level nine cry. Oh. Um, okay. Okay. So, you know how the world sucks ass. Like, just as a gross generalization, we are in shit times. So recently I've been taking an active effort to immerse myself in things that bring me peace. As we all should. And one of those things that I've found myself particularly drawn to as of late is slow, calming music. Okay. And don't get me wrong, I'm still gonna blast the black pink when I'm on the elliptical, but for the most part, I've been listening to a lot of acoustic mellow type shit, you know? Yeah. So since my entire life has been algorithmized, I've been getting some fire flame music recommendations. Okay. And I will be talking about one such song today. And that song is Marigolds by Andrea Bihar. I don't know it. Well, you will. So Sources for Today is a 2024 interview Andrea Bihar did with Tiger Sounds, and then a video on her TikTok account. Oh, okay. So Andrea Bihar is a singer-songwriter whose sound is what I could only describe as this beautiful blend of modern indie pop mixed with traditional Mexican folk ballads. Oh. It is stunning. It is so sweet and like it's like pretty. It's just pretty music. Okay, okay. I can't wait for you to hear it. Um, but she was born in Mexico, and even though she primarily grew up in Miami, she says that she feels such a strong connection to Mexico. I think Mexico City is where she was born, but she feels such a strong connection to Mexico and her Mexican culture, and that is where she feels the most grounded and inspired. So a lot of her songs are a mixture of English and Spanish. Me who took French in high school, here for the vibes. Here for the vibes, okay. But in this interview she did with Tiger Sounds, she says, I want my music to connect with people on a personal level. No matter their background. It's about creating something authentic that speaks to the soul. Exactly what you said about the beginning of Moana. You don't need to know. I mean, it hurts more when you Google translate, but sometimes you don't need to know what the lyrics are. You just feel it in your soul. I fucking felt it in my soul in this fucking song I'm about to discuss. And I'm gonna switch it up here and actually reveal the meaning of the song first. Okay. Before I play it for you, which I know you hate. I don't. I do not. I love a I love context first. Okay, yeah. And the reason I'm doing that is because it's not really obvious what the song is about. Okay. It took me many listens to even like form a theory. And I did get it right, but I wasn't able to like fully confirm that until she posted a TikTok of her talking about what the song is.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

So this song, again, it's called Marigolds, is about missing her sister. But more specifically, missing growing up with her sister. Her sister is very much alive, like she's not dead. Um, but they're like best friends. Sorry if that was came off as tragic, but we're gonna we're gonna fucking get into this song. Okay, and I will really dig into these lyrics, but before I play it for you, just to quote that TikTok where she's talking about it. She says, I had just moved to LA. I moved away from my sister, and I was missing her a lot. So I decided to write a song about her. I was just thinking about all of the things that I'll never be able to get to do with my sister again. There's just so many moments that I realized that I would never get back, and that made me so sad. So I wrote a song about it. Okay, I'm gonna play it. So I just played that song for Arns, and I'm a fucking wreck. Which is weird because I'm the type of person that when I discover my next favorite song, I will literally listen to it on repeat for days, weeks. Like I will just play, replay, replay, replay, and that's exactly what I did to this song, and it is so like the sound of the song is so beautiful and ethereal. And again, the message isn't really very clear, it's not very obvious what she's singing about, and so I was purely just vibey to it. And when I saw the TikTok explaining it, I was like, oh, okay, yeah, I knew it. Oh, okay. And then my brain started kind of churning, and I was like, oh, that's that's so sweet that she's singing about her sister. And I thought, oh, okay, I think that would be a good story for me to share on the podcast. And then when I sat down to write it, it was like it was like the floodgates had opened. And I just, I literally, I could not stop crying. I like didn't listen to it very much today because I was like, dude, I literally cannot stop crying just thinking about this.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So we're we're gonna get into these fucking lyrics. Okay. So verse one is you stood by the doorway in an overused t-shirt asking me questions about my day to forget about yours. Now I see you less often, and we don't speak much either. Fifteen years spent in the same place, but I wanted more. I'm already fucked up, like because this verse just speaks so simply about what it's like growing up and living with your sister. You spend so many nights just chilling in your room, and then she comes in wearing her ugly house clothes, just talking to you about nothing. And you're just existing together, growing up together. It just brought back so many memories of me and my sister. So I have an older sister, Christine, and she is seven years older than me, and I don't think it needs to be said, but she's obviously one of the people I love most in this universe. And like I just I really feel like the bond between two sisters is something that is so sacred. Blue, my husband, will tell me all the time that whenever he's around me and my sister, he's like, you guys are in your own world. Like we're speaking our own language. It's just us two. And growing up, I basically copied everything she did. And because there was such a big age gap, I annoyed her, I think, for a lot of my childhood. But of course, as the eldest daughter, she had way more patience than me and just kind of like tolerated me. Like, I I don't ever remember her kicking me out of her room. Like, she just let me chill as long as I wanted to, never told me to fuck off, which she must have wanted to several times. When you were nine and she was 16. Yeah.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But she didn't. She just let me hang out. And it wasn't until I was like maybe 11-ish when we really started becoming super, super close. I think I was finally old enough to relate to her. And like this is a core memory for me where I remember so vividly. Like, like the first time I genuinely made her laugh out loud. And I was so proud of myself. Yeah. And I was like, oh my god, I made my older sister laugh. Like, I must be really funny. Like, that must have been a really good joke to make her laugh. Because I just thought she was the golden standard, you know? And I always considered that a turning point in my childhood because then it felt like every day living with her was like living with your best friend. And the last lines of this verse are 15 years spent in the same place, but I wanted more. I think I was actually 17 when my sister moved out. She lived at home while she went to college, and I'm just so grateful for those extra years that we got to spend together. But when she finally left home, of course I was, you know, really excited for her, and I knew that it's not like I would never see her again. But I think every younger sibling has this memory of walking into your older siblings room right after they move out and just feeling this emptiness because you know that things were never gonna be quite as they were anymore. Okay, chorus So the chorus is Buried in the fields under the marigolds La Flor de la Vida Liar footprints marked beneath the dirt guarda recuerdos We'd pick fruit from the lemon trees or cut off the branches, set fire to the earth. If you would have told me it'd be the last time I'd have carried its worth. So the marigold flower is a very important symbol in Mexican culture. It is a key part of Dia de los Muertos, and the flowers' bright colors and strong scent are meant to guide spirits back to their families. And in this TikTok that I mentioned earlier, Andrea talks about how when she and her sister were younger, they spent so many summers in their home in Mexico picking fruit from the trees in their backyard. And the chorus ends with her basically saying, if if I'd have known that there was a last time that we'd be doing this, I probably would have treasured it even more in the moment. Again, obviously fucked me up because there are so many times when you don't realize that it's the last time. And I mean, for my entire life, I will always be close to my sister. I will never not love her or not be connected to her. But it's true that our relationship has evolved because we individually have evolved. We're not kids anymore, and we're grown up, and yes, we still see each other regularly. I talk to her constantly, but our rooms aren't across the hallway anymore. We have husbands, she has kids, I have a podcast.

SPEAKER_02

And a cat.

SPEAKER_01

And a cat. But yeah, our lives are just not as entwined as they were. And this song just opened up this well inside me because I I didn't even realize like how desperately I missed it. Being young and looking up to her and feeling like it was just us two just being girls together. Verse two You drew the line on your side of the bedroom. Told me with your eyes the darker it gets, the more I'd cross. Now I stare at the ceiling in a brand new apartment, trying to remember were the sheets painted green or some type of scarlet. And then it goes back to the chorus, and I'll just I'll just read the bridge as well. That sooner or later the colors are fading. I hate that they're slipping away with each night, telling dad's jokes, but the punchline keeps changing. I'm scared of the day that they're gone from our minds. So in this verse, you get this image of two sisters sharing a room, and you have that classic trope where, you know, they probably fought and they said, You can't cross this line, this is my side. And then she says, The darker it gets, the more I'd cross. And it's just I just see this image of a girl sneaking onto her sister's side of the room. And instead of getting mad, that sister just probably opens up the covers and lets her crawl in. Because there was a point in my life, you know, before the husband, before the boyfriends, where when things got dark, that was who I'd go to. That was my person. And she still is, but in a different way now. And this verse ends with coming back to the present where Andrea is in her new apartment thinking about this memory and struggling to remember all the details of it. And she realizes that she forgot what color the sheets were. The bridge is in the same vein where memories are dimmer and she can't quite exactly remember all of it anymore But let me just repeat the first lines of the chorus again. Buried in the fields under the marigolds La Flor de la Vida, which means the flower of life. Liar footprints marked beneath the dirt guarda recuerdos, which means to keep memories. I know there are times in our lives that we wish so desperately we could go back to. And it's heartbreaking because when we miss something that we no longer have, all that's left is the memory of it. And what do we do when those memories start to slip through our fingers? I don't really know. I think maybe we can just accept that life is a continuous change and that we will always be evolving and growing, and the people will always come back to us oftentimes in different ways. I look at my sister and I am just so proud to even know her, let alone all of these versions of her throughout her life. Today, she is the best mom. But before that, she was just mine. And I was just hers. And we're still those things to each other. Sisters forever. But it means something a little different now, and that's okay. Even if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, but I don't have a sister. I would bet that there are people in your life whose relationship with you looks a little bit different now that life has taken its course. And maybe as much as I grieve this time in my life that I will never experience again. May we all be so lucky.

SPEAKER_02

Right before I came here when we recorded this, I don't remember how we got on this topic, but me and Jomi were talking about it came up that I used to follow my sister around everywhere. But it's interesting because the way I was talking about it, it was laced with bitterness. I was talking about how I used to have to follow her around and like hang out with her friends and do all these things and how, you know, even though we were never really intersecting at school because of our four-year age gap, we were never in high school at the same time or in college at the same time. I was still always Alexa's little sister. My whole life. Even when I would step into these spaces where no one knew me, they they saw someone else in me. And I I never even like really got to form my own first impression because my first impression was her, right? And when we left that conversation, I was a little bit like the way we ended it was like, man, that kind of sucks, blah blah blah. But I mean, I I think it's so wild that you know you came here and talked about this because I was remembering one part of it, which was the younger me who was just like, oh, I want to be my own person separate from her. I want to forge my own path separate from her. But then there's the other side of it where I would not have had it any other way. I would not have had anyone else in my life to be seen as a littler version of. You know, like if at one point it made me annoyed or whatever. Now it's like, oh my god, I'm just I I couldn't be prouder to be a reflection of her. When I talk about those times about following her around, I'm saying, like, yeah, it was so annoying, you know, but but she let me, you know, like and I'm sure that I'm sure they're listening to this.

SPEAKER_01

And they're like they're gonna bring such a different perspective to it because they were the older sisters and we were the younger sisters, and I feel like we were just like reaping all the benefits, and they probably looked at us like practice children. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I know that all siblings, like, there's moments of annoyance and there's moments of like, oh my god, just leave me alone, and like stop borrowing my clothes, and you know, all of that shit. But it's like it's like just the moments where you're not doing anything and you're just you're just there together. I just I miss that so much. I just think about how when you forge your own path, your priorities shift, your day-to-day worries will look different, and the way that you decompress will look different, and I just I just miss doing that with her. And maybe it's also like just me missing childhood as well. I mean, because she was so intertwined in that, like so many of my childhood memories, she's in it because she's my sister, you know? Like I just didn't even realize that I was feeling that way, or like that that longing was even in me.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I'm grateful that you brought that here today because I didn't either. Even two hours ago. Right. There's no one who will know you the way your sister knows you.

SPEAKER_01

It's different.

SPEAKER_02

It's so different.

SPEAKER_01

There's just something about two sisters. And again, I know that not everyone has a sister, but I just really wanted to talk about just like knowing that relationships change. And yeah, you can accept it, but you can still miss it too. Yeah. Both can be true.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So Christine, Alexa, shout out. Shout the fuck out.

SPEAKER_00

Whoa!

SPEAKER_01

I was crying so hard. You know, like when you cry so hard, you're tired after you like want to fall asleep.

SPEAKER_02

You like don't show up here. Where are you? Like laptop on my face, like just drooling.

unknown

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01

So yeah. Um Andrea Bihar. Ooh. I loved the little the like the Spanish guitar in between. Oh, and her other songs are just as gorgeous. Wait too much. So like, again, pretty. It's just pretty. It's just pretty, beautiful. Yeah. So yeah. Highly recommend her. Highly recommend sisters. That's our show. That's our show. Super funny, right? It's hilarious. It's a riot. Thank our sisters for our sense of humor.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. You were always so funny, and I always was like, oh, that's Christine. Like I because I because I was I grew up around her too, right? And I saw that like you totally just adopted her sense of humor. And like, yeah. Like you were both always so sharp with your humor.

SPEAKER_01

Or just like even the way that she spoke. Because there would be so many times where I would meet her friends, yeah. And they'd be like, oh my god, you sound just like her.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Just like the way that you deliver words, the way that you say things, everything's just the intonation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I still get that. People still think we sound exactly like me and my sister sound exactly the same too. Yeah. It will probably be like that for the rest of my life. Love that. Love it. If I was bitter about it two hours ago, I'm grateful for it now.

Outro

SPEAKER_02

All right, everyone. Thanks for tuning in. You know, it's funny because we didn't necessarily have alignment on topics, but you still Oh, connected. You connect. I mean, my God, like that was so on point for like oh, just like what happened in your life today. In my life right before this. And then you like, wow, that was You really were talking about it today? I'm not exaggerating, right before that was the last conversation I had before I drove here. Whoa, that's crazy. No, I know that's yes, that's what I'm saying. So this is a show where we are two psychics and we just talk about things that we know the other person will relate to. Yeah, 100%. Um yeah, thanks for tuning in. We really appreciate you being here with us. We're grateful that you lend us your ear, and we are grateful if you are able to take away anything from this at all.

SPEAKER_01

So it better be that we're really funny. Yeah. That's what I was gonna say next. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Follow us on socials at beer b crying.podcast. We have a newsletter. You can sign up through socials. We got a sub stack. Send us any sob stories or recommendations for cry material. You can DM us, email us, hit us up on our website. We have a form there, beerbycryingpodcast.com, and enter our giveaway for a hat.

SPEAKER_01

That's all. That's it. An hour later. That's all we got. That's all we got. We are gonna go rest our weary little eyes. They've been crying a lot. Lots of crying today. Lots of crying today. That's so unlike us. Yeah, weird. Okay, but yeah, we're gonna go away and then we will come back. Dry eyed, ready to do it again.

SPEAKER_02

Ready to do it all again. Until then, beer be crying.