brb crying

036: why a viral pianist's tears moved millions + baking as a love language | yumeka nakagawa, vulnerability & friendship

• nins (angela non) & arns (ariana kempis)

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This week, we talk about a viral piano performance that left millions of people emotional—and the surprising ways love finds its way back to us.

First, Arns shares the story of Japanese pianist Yumeka Nakagawa, whose tearful performance of Chopin's "Raindrop" Prelude captivated audiences around the world. Why did watching someone cry while playing piano feel so powerful? What does vulnerability in art teach us about vulnerability in our own lives?

Then, Nins tells a deeply personal story about baking, friendship, and what it means to be chosen by the people you love. From a $30 stand mixer to baking a gender reveal cake for one of her closest friends, this story explores how acts of care become their own language of love.

In this episode, we discuss:
• Yumeka Nakagawa's viral piano performance
• Chopin's "Raindrop" Prelude and emotional music
• Why vulnerability resonates so deeply with people
• Crying, emotional expression, and authenticity
• Baking as a love language
• Friendship, belonging, and being chosen
• Gender reveal cakes and meaningful traditions
• The many ways we say "I love you"

Whether you've cried while listening to music, baked something for someone you love, or simply want permission to feel your feelings a little more openly, this one's for you.

0:00 - Intro
1:50 - Recap: late nights
3:57 - Announcement: merch!
4:40 - Arns: Yumeka Nakagawa's piano performance
27:05 - Nins: baking a special sweet treat
58:23 - Outro

Referenced in this episode:

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brb crying—hosted by longtime best friends Nins & Arns—is a podcast where we explore the songs, books, TV shows, films, pop culture moments, and personal stories that help us laugh, cry, heal, and feel a little less alone. Crying is our superpower, and by sharing what makes us cry in a way that makes us laugh, we show how crying helps us connect with ourselves and each other.

Intro

SPEAKER_05

Hi, I'm Angela Nan.

SPEAKER_01

I'm Ariana Kempis.

SPEAKER_05

And this is BRB Crying.

SPEAKER_01

Hello everyone. Welcome back to BRB Crying. I'm Ariana, also known as Arnes. And I'm Angela, also known as Ninz.

SPEAKER_05

And and newsflash. Crying is cool now, guys. It's really, really cool.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And as the coolest people that you've ever met. Yes. We're putting two and two together. And we're here to talk about crying.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Love it. We are here to talk about crying. And um, if you're new here, welcome. If you're old here, welcome back. Cry baby. That's it. Good night. Good night. Love you.

SPEAKER_05

Drive safe.

SPEAKER_01

I really I don't think I have anything left to say. Okay. That's good. How are you? There. Transition. How are you? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Usually there's like more like I know. No, did we like that opening? No. Uh, not really, but whatever. Whatever. What the fuck ever.

SPEAKER_01

What the fuck ever.

SPEAKER_05

Um, you asked me how I was. I'm doing really good this week. I'm feeling I'm feeling chill. Yes. You know? Got some really busy plans over the next couple of weeks that I'm looking forward to. So the energy today, we're vibing.

SPEAKER_01

Up and up, baby. Now I know. How are you? I'm good. It's a daytime recording. So you're awake. Yeah. Our

Recap: late nights

SPEAKER_01

last recording. Oh, past my bedtime. I was struggling to find the words. Yeah. Yeah. Which is okay.

SPEAKER_05

You know what? I was really impressed with you last night. And that crybabies. We had dinner last night with our friends. Hot pot and K barbecue. It was a lot. Too much. It was a lot. I smelled crazy last night. My clothes are all still hanging outside the closet because no. Oh, that went straight into the hampber. And I was like, I'm not gonna shower for this because what is the point? My hair is gonna be insane after this. And sure enough, it was insane. So I put on extra perfume today because I was like, okay. I just don't want to relive that. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I was really impressed with you because I was like, girl, it's 9 45. She's still out. We're vibing. Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_01

I know that was I was impressed with you too. I drove home from that because Jo Marve. Yeah, I noticed Joam was like, I'm kinda tired. And I'm like, all right, let's go. Yeah. I had all the energy, so I'm impressed. Thanks. I've been practicing. You impressed me every day. Oh, that's what I love to hear. No, I know, I know we mentioned this last episode, but we're going to Vegas together in a few weeks, and so I have to practice. I see. I have to practice sleeping, and I have to practice being awake. You have to practice sleeping. Oh, because you have trouble sleeping in new like environments? Forcing myself to go back to sleep when I wake up too early. I see so that I can rally later on in the evening. Yeah. Practice taking naps.

SPEAKER_05

Sleeping's a skill, everyone.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. That was our last trip together to Vegas, huh? When you had like really, really bad insomnia.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. I did not sleep the entire night. We were awake for like 30 hours. Yeah. Yeah. I it was it was really dark times. I can laugh now.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. But before you had the insomnia, great night.

SPEAKER_02

Great. Great fun.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Worth it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. Hit me up with an announcement.

SPEAKER_01

What do we got? Ooh,

Announcement: merch!

SPEAKER_01

merch, everyone. We have it live if you visit our Instagram at beerbecrying.podcast. We we talk all about it there. And check our link in bio. Check our website. And you can get some maybe a little gift for your sweetheart for Christmas. I really do think our stuff would make cute gifts. Truly. It's so fucking cute. Yeah. Check our socials, check our website, and get the goods while they're hot. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05

And that's the first chapter of this episode. Mm-hmm. Let's get into it. Let's do it.

Arns: Yumeka Nakagawa's piano performance

SPEAKER_05

Okay. I'm going first. Irnes is going first. Okay. So. Are you keeping the vibes, the good vibes going? Yeah. Okay. Good vibes going.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah. We're a little lighter today.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

So I've been wanting to do a music piece. I have not yet since we got back into this season. By piece, I mean perform live on air. Uh no, I I I've heard it said that people come into our lives. Okay. For the past few weeks, I've been thinking about this. I've been waffling between different songs. Okay. Because all these songs make me cry. But I found myself almost intimidated by the idea of having to cover some of these artists. Mmm. I was like, I don't know if I'm up to the task to do such a deep dive. Okay. Well, one of the artists is someone newer that I have not been following for too long. So it would have had a lot of research. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So I might still talk about them in the future. So I won't spoil anything. Sure. But actually, I'm gonna put out into the universe that we are going to have these artists as guests on our podcast. So then I'll do the thing. And I'll be like, She was lazy to research you. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. That's that'll be really important for them to know. So anyway, I had all these ideas. But then of course, threw them all out the window. Because why share a story that I have been meticulously piecing together for weeks when I could just trash all my notes, follow my heart, start from scratch. Yeah. Three days ago. Okay. No logic here. So today I'm gonna talk about something that I never thought I would ever talk about. Uh and that is classical music. Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Damn it. I was gonna say a Beethoven joke earlier, but I didn't. Really? Yeah. Say it now. No, you were mentioning like artists, and I was gonna that's like not that funny. Yeah, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01

It's okay. I hope you keep that in. Okay. Um so I want to preface this with I don't know fuck shit about classical music.

SPEAKER_05

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_06

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01

Same?

SPEAKER_05

No, I'm like so knowledgeable about it.

SPEAKER_01

That's what I figured.

SPEAKER_05

I like majored it in college and stuff.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, okay. Um, so you know, we half joke about being academics, being learned, and you know, I can I can play a little piano, like every good boy does fine. And Fa C E C E trebleclefs.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Did you have Sister Joy in fifth grade for a music class? I think we all did at that school. Okay. Did you know that she's not a nun anymore? Liar. No, yeah. I don't I'm pretty sure she's not a nun anymore. Oh my god, T. Yeah, right? I'm very I'm pretty sure she left. No.

SPEAKER_05

You need a should we stop recording? Because I need to hear this.

SPEAKER_01

No, I just, I mean, she was so mean. I feel like I can say that because she's not a nun anymore. I'm pretty she was. Was she not?

SPEAKER_05

I mean, yeah. That's all I'll say on that. Yeah. No, she like definitely like slammed her hand on the whiteboard during one of our lessons. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm I'm hoping that she found her true calling.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Being nice.

SPEAKER_01

Being joyful. Joy. You know. Yeah. I hope she found her peace. Anyway, so classical music, entirely different realm of knowledge for me. Could basically be like quantum physics.

SPEAKER_04

That's how little I understand.

SPEAKER_01

I'm positive I will offend anyone who is a classical music artist today. So this is me apologizing in advance. Because the people who are in it, I tried. I tried. I tried to do a little bit of dude, like what? Another language. Yeah. So I was like, I'm not gonna.

SPEAKER_05

But that's the beauty of our show because not everyone is, right? It's true. This is just our way of walking away with what you loved about it.

SPEAKER_01

You don't have to be an expert. Men. Amen. So anyway, today we're gonna talk about a pianist named Yumika Nakagawa. I have heard of her. Okay. Yeah, because she went viral recently. Saw this video? I think so. Okay. She went viral recently for a performance that she did of a piece by Japan. So, some kuga context. Yumika is a 24-year-old Japanese pianist born and raised in Germany. In an interview she did with Kawaii, Australia, that's kind of my main source for her upbringing. She began piano at the age of four. Which is kind of late, in my opinion. Um, but only in her teens did she start really taking it seriously. So rather than make a fool of myself trying to pronounce names of 18th-century composers, foreign schools of music, world-renowned professors, concert halls, I'm gonna keep it high level. Okay. For us common folk. My girl Yumica studied with the greats, entered a bunch of competitions, won them, got scholarships, was invited to play at concert halls and theaters. That is her story. Thank you. You're so welcome. But I will go out on a limb and pronounce one name right now. Don't crucify me. This one felt important though. So Yumika mentions that she wanted to study with a specific professor named Grigory Gruzman. She said he always helps me think about why a composer wrote in a certain way and teaches me how to use my body efficiently to produce a good sound. He's very demanding when it comes to sound, and he always tells us not one note should be meaningless. My boy. Grig. My boy Grig. Grig.

SPEAKER_04

I'm so sorry, Grig. Okay. Some Grigstan just fucking downvoted this. Sorry. He's probably on YouTube.

SPEAKER_00

No offense if you watch or listen on YouTube, but some of y'all out there are fucking weird.

SPEAKER_02

Can I say? Can I say? Can I say that? Do we need to cut that out? What the fuck? Tangent. We used to post, I used to post YouTube shorts. The comments we got unhinged. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_01

More than any other platform. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

It's kind of funny though.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, it's hilarious, but it's like, why? Like, are these bots? You know, like at this point I can't tell. I can't tell. All right. Anyway, okay, so later in this Kawhi interview article, the interviewer says, Your sound is so beautiful, and every note speaks to us as if they're words. And in response, Yumika says, fundamentally, music is not for competing, but it is for the audience to enjoy. I think it's the same in the case of competitions. Of course, since judgments are given, it's difficult not to be conscious of these results when challenging oneself. But I think it's important to give a performance that one enjoys and is happy with rather than to be obsessed with it. And I'm like note-taking girl. Okay, so even though I did not take it upon myself to really get deep into classical music, I did a little research, meaning I went through all of her tagged Instagram videos.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, I thought you were gonna say you typed in her name on Google and picked the first link.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, but obviously, that's baseline. But one thing I love about Yumika, she's a big feelings girl.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, girly. Girly.

SPEAKER_01

She's a crybaby for real. In an Instagram post from May, the Chopin Institute interviewed participants of the 19th Chopin Competitions preliminary round. The interviewer asked, Do you remember the moment you wanted to be an artist? And the first person responded, I came from a family of musicians, so it just made sense. Someone else said, I feel like I was made for the stage. Ha ha ha. And I was like, I mean, yeah. But someone else said, I had an ear for it. I could just hear something, memorize it, play it. So I knew I had to do this professionally. But when asked this question, Yumika responded. Or when I'm practicing and I get to know, for example, Chapan's work, I feel so touched by his music. And that's the moment where I feel like this is what I'm living for. Damn, she shut me up.

SPEAKER_05

She does she like answer last, and everyone was like, fuck.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. God damn, can I change my answer? Yeah. I know, right? I was like, she got you guys. So I'm gonna show you this viral video, which I know you've seen. And this is a video of Yumika playing a piece by Chapin. In the video, which was posted by Classic FM, Yumika is playing Chapin's raindrop prelude. In the caption, it says, This piece, known for its repeated A-flat note reminiscent of falling rain, is rumored to have been inspired by a romantic but turbulent winter Chapin spent in Mallorca with his lover. I did a little more digging, found that Chopin actually ended up denying this claim. In a blog post by Ethan Haim titled Chopin's Raindrop Prelude, the author says, The most conspicuous feature of this prelude is the near constant A-flat G sharp pedal point. It's a gentle pulse in the first and last sections, but it builds to a relentless pounding in the middle section. George Sand, who is the lover of Chapin, told a story about Chapin writing this piece on a rainy day, but that is probably not true. The likeliest explanation is that the pedal point evokes too many different feelings and associations to be neatly expressible by language. If you could verbally convey the meaning of music, you wouldn't need the music. So we don't know why Chapan wrote this, but we can deduce that it had to do more about the feelings it evoked rather than it sounding like raindrops. So I'm gonna play you the video now. It's around two and a half minutes long, Crybabies. I will link this in the show notes, and I will also probably add it as a slide on our carousel. So in this video, we are watching Yumika play Chapan's raindrop prelude. The playing is beautiful, but the part that has gripped the world is that in the middle of her performance she starts to cry. As her playing intensifies, these silent tears stream down her face, and we watch her succumb to her emotions. First, you see maybe anger or rage and even a little bit of sorrow when the playing is really intense, and then it slows down, and then there's this serenity, and it's hard to tell exactly what she's feeling, much less what she's thinking about, but it doesn't really matter because in this moment Yumika is a vessel, she is lending herself to the music, and we, the audience, uh receive that offering and we witness as it fills her and possesses her. The second those emotions flood her, she's no longer just Yumika, the pianist. She herself is an instrument, and the sound that pours out of her is the entire universe flowing through to us, wrapping us up in every feeling that anyone has ever felt. We're not just wowed by this beautiful piece that Chapin wrote, we're gripped by Yumika herself and the way she bears her soul to the world. We talk a lot on this podcast about how brave it is when someone can feel their feelings in public and also how ironic it is because we all feel the same feelings. And the same goes for this. Yumika is brave. She's a world-renowned pianist competing against some of the best musicians in the world, playing a piece by one of the most famous composers in history, but that doesn't stop her from shedding these tears. So, yes, she's brave. But at the same time, if we all feel those feelings, what is stopping us from showing up as our truest selves? What are we so afraid of? And what would the world look like if we all committed to showing up like that? In mid-October, we guested on the Messy Liberation pod. And Becky, one of the co-hosts, oh, by the way, listen to that episode if you haven't yet. It's it's part of their episode list. So uh one of the co-hosts, Becky, talked about how amazed she was that the two of us are moved to tears so easily. And then that whole thing then just spurred this discussion about how allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is a skill. And we've had to exercise it just like any other muscle. And Taina, the other co-host, mentioned how you know that safety starts from within and then radiates outward. So all of that, and then coming across this video and being captured by Yumika reminded me that this is why what we're doing here on this podcast, this is why our mission is so important. We want to help the world remember that crying is our superpower. And I use that word remember intentionally because it's something that we're born knowing and we are socialized into forgetting as we grow older. But it's a remembrance, right? Because if you could inspire even one person with your bravery and your vulnerability, you might just change their life. And their bravery and vulnerability might just change someone else's life. And pretty soon you have this cascading effect where we're all just empowering each other to show up as our truest selves and experience the fullness of this life together. You have to wonder why the world was so moved by Yumica's tears during this performance, why her crying on stage was so revolutionary, why this video went so viral. And I think it's because deep down we all long for that kind of freedom. The freedom to just be ourselves so unapologetically on stage in front of the world, to feel safe being vulnerable, to bear our souls, even if it means we might get hurt. And we can find that freedom, but we have to be willing to take that leap. Maybe that leap looks like feeling our feelings in front of other people, practicing that honesty and vulnerability in our relationships. Or maybe we have to take a step back even further and first find that safety in ourselves, practicing what it's like to feel our feelings without any self-judgment or shame. But whatever it is, you have to take the leap. Give yourself that permission and space and grace, like Yumaka does in that performance. And watch how your world changes and how you can change the world. Beautiful Bravo!

SPEAKER_05

Um it struck me while we were watching that video that I think oftentimes when like someone's playing the piano. The camera angle is like get the whole shot of them playing, you know, like see their fingers like whizzing across the piece. Yeah. And then towards the end, the cameraman was like, dude, fuck the piano. For real. It's just like let us witness this person not playing this music, experiencing this music. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, because yeah, technically the playing is beautiful. But I'm sure everyone else is also playing beautifully and doing their pieces justice too. Right. There's multiple camera angles, right? And so the one from her profile view, where you can you can literally see the tears dropping into her lap. Like that is how much crying we're doing here. You know, it's not just eyes welling up with tears. This is like she's not even here. She's somewhere else feeling something else.

SPEAKER_05

Like, is there a point to me saying anything? Because like you just captured it already.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like no, but that's what I loved about that quote in that blog. It was like there are things that music can convey that words can't. If you could say it in words, then why even have the music?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. But I meant like in terms of what you said about what it means to have the bravery to feel in such a public way. Like I will literally just be like regurgitating what you already said because I stand by it so strongly.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and that's the thing. Like, that's why we're doing this. Yes. That's why it's so important. Yeah. And of course, you would say the same things because like you also feel like so strongly. And I know that our crybabies do too, our listeners do too. And this is why our work resonates with people and why we have to keep doing this.

SPEAKER_06

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I know we were talking shit about the YouTube bots and the weird comments that we get. And there is such a resistance and a fear to do and be ourselves in such a public way. And I think you asked, like, why are we afraid? Obviously, because we're scared that someone's gonna make fun of us or someone's going to think that we're cringe or embarrassing or whatever. And I um I like literally just listened to Ariana Grande's podcast interview with Evan Ross Katz. But she talks about how during her whole wicked press tour wow, I'm going on a tangent here, but like on her whole wicked press tour, her and Cynthia Reaver were just crying the whole time. And like it was endearing at some point, but then after a while, people were like, Okay, it's too much, you guys are cringe, and Ariana was like, I don't care that you find it cringe. Like, I love empathy, I love feeling, I love viewing the world this way. Yes, and I think that for so long I cared so much. Yes, I cared so much about not wanting to look dumb or not wanting to look cringe, but bitch, I don't care anymore. No, because it feels really good. It feels to be here to let myself feel and like Ariana Garney, sorry. Ariana Garney, I love you so much. But she says on this podcast that what do you want me to do? Do you want me to be numb? Because I was numb, and I can tell you I'd rather be this. I'm sure Yumika is probably the same way. Do you want me to play this technically right? Or do you want me to feel this?

SPEAKER_01

And I've seen I have listened to people who are really good pianists and they can play the notes, but they don't evoke feeling, right? I mean, there's a difference. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

It's can you imagine if we read our stories perfectly, but like monotone? Like not an error in grammar. No. Not an error in pronunciation. No one would fucking listen. It would be so fucking boring. Yeah. There just needs to be an authenticity there for you to be moved by it and connect with it. And yet we get afraid when we see that. But not anymore, guys. Nope. Nope. We are here to set the trends.

SPEAKER_01

We really are.

SPEAKER_05

That was beautiful. Thanks. I meant the playing.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I'm so that's yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Agreed. Really beautiful. Love you, Yumika. Love you, Yumika. Love you, Chopin. Love you, Chopin.

SPEAKER_01

You're

Nins: baking a special sweet treat

SPEAKER_01

gonna fuck me up now, or are we gonna take it light? Keep the lightness.

SPEAKER_05

Um, no. This one's also a good one. That's our because those sad ones are bad and the happy ones are good. No, this one is also a light one today. Okay. This one is cutesy. Okay. We couldn't send off our crybabies to Thanksgiving. No. Devastated. No. No. This one is easy and sweet. Okay. Okay. I'm getting lots of hints. Okay. And because it's Thanksgiving week, I thought, why not pick up a little personal story? Mm-centered around good food and gratitude.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, yes. Take me back to um Plymouth Rock.

SPEAKER_05

The Mayflower. We're not going that far. We're going to 2018. If I could have come up with the year, I would have of the first Thanksgiving. But ladies and gents, we all know that is a very romanticized version of the truth. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. We're not going there. We are not. We're not. We're going to 2018. Okay. Okay. And I, at this time, was in my mid-20s. In my prime. I still am, by the way. Thank you. This is me. And I was living with Lou, who was still my boyfriend at the time. And we had our roommate, Irvin. Love you, Irv. Shout out, Irvin. He just got married this month. Congrats, Irvin and Charlene. Okay. Anyway. So I lived with Lou and Irvin for about three years. And it was, it was like the most fun I've ever had. Like it was my first. You mean this isn't fun? I mean, go on, but. Okay, sorry. But it was my first apartment after moving out with my parents. And it was just like the fucking best. Like we always had friends over. There was always something fun to look forward to during the weekends. I just miss that time so much. Yeah. And also, we were living together during the start of the pandemic. Like, yes, it was scary, but like we had a fucking blast. Anyway, trauma bonded. Okay. So one of the things that the three of us started to do when we lived together was dabble in the culinary arts.

SPEAKER_06

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05

Because we were so grown, right? We were like adults, so we made our own food. And it became kind of this gag where we would always post them on our Instagram stories of us cooking. And we had this like little riff going back and forth where someone would be recording and holding up this camera and asking this person who's cooking, like, all right, what we up to? What we up to? And the person cooking would go to the camera and be like, We up to something. Like it was just like our catchphrase. And all of our friends just like knew that was us. They would always say it to us. Anyway, I just miss this time so much. It was so much fun. Um, but yeah, this was my first real foray into making food. And I realized how much I loved it. I would get really excited to look up recipes and plan these meals. There was this one weekend where I had found a really exciting recipe for French toast and whatever the fuck. And the night before I was gonna cook it over the weekend, I almost couldn't sleep. Like I was so excited. I was like, oh my god, breakfast is gonna be so fucking crazy tomorrow. Oh my god. And then a few months later, fall came around. And I was like, huh. Maybe I should try to bake something cutesy, you know, because you know, fall, right? A little pumpkin bread or something. Actually, I did in my research for the story today, I did scroll like all the way back through my Instagram story archive to figure out what my first ever bake was. And it was actually Chrissy Teagan's banana bread. Do you remember this? Oh yes, of course. Yeah, with the pudding, right? Yes. And so I documented the whole thing. And first of all, the banana bread recipe, absolutely fucking delicious. And after I had baked it, Lou had tried a piece, loved it, and he went on Twitter and was like, at Chrissy Teagan, my girlfriend just made your banana bread. It is good. And she fucking liked the tweet. Oh shit. She liked it.

SPEAKER_02

But of all the tweets. I know it was like the dumbest tweet. But she was just goddamn.

SPEAKER_05

Oh it is good. Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure I cried when I when she did that. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? That's not my story for today, but uh all this to say, first bake, kind of epic, right? What an affirmation. It was in the stars, okay? So we just kept the vibes going, okay, kept cooking, kept trying new recipes. And one random evening, me and Lou and Irvin decided to go on a little Target run. And while we're there, we pass by the kitchen appliances. And on one of the counters is a little sunbeam stand mixer, like for baking, on sale for $30, down from $50. Oh, okay. Mind you, we're in our 20s, right? So moneyware, right? But I turn to Lou and I'm like, oh my god, can we get this, please? It's on sale. And ever the penny pincher, Lou's like, do we really need one? Like, you know, just get like the cheaper, like handheld mixer. It's like $15, you know. And I'm like, come on, it's only 30 bucks. And he relents, even though he truly believes it's gonna be one of those things that I use maybe three times and then forget for the rest of my life, right? So that night I take home this super cheap, super basic, no-frills stand mixer, and I set it in the kitchen of our tiny 760 square foot apartment, and I go to sleep that night with zero idea just how much this little appliance would mean to me. Over the next eight years of my life, I would fall in love with baking. Every once in a while, scattered throughout the busy and hectic years of my twenties and early thirties, were quiet weeknights and peaceful Sunday afternoons, and all I wanted to do in those moments was reach for my little mixer and make something wonderful. Yes, in just a few minutes my kitchen would be a mess. Flour scattered on the counters and on the floor, eggshells dripping down the cabinets, every pan measuring cup and spoon slowly piling up in the side. And my little mixer beating away at whatever batter was in its bowl with a deafening roar. But once that bake was in the oven and the smell of that sweet treat slowly filled the apartment, all I could think about was how in just 10 more minutes I was gonna have something delicious to share with someone I loved. Just like these brownies, for example.

unknown

Oh my god!

SPEAKER_02

Oh shit, everyone. We're getting 5D.

SPEAKER_01

Is it 5D or 4D? 4D?

SPEAKER_02

4D? What's 5D?

SPEAKER_01

Guys, we're experiencing this in real time.

SPEAKER_05

I prepared today some Aina Garden. Oh shit. Fudgy brownies.

SPEAKER_01

Oh my god. Can I take the whole thing? Yeah. Can I be a fucking monster? Eat the entire piece. Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_05

I cut you the middle pieces because I know that's what you like. I think I put maybe a corner because I'm a corner girly. Can I eat while you talk? Yeah. Absolutely. Oh my god, is there like cough? A little bit of uh instant coffee there to bring in the chocolate. You know. It is coming through.

unknown

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05

We have now transitioned into a food review where we just watch her pause because I don't know if I'll listen.

SPEAKER_01

I might not be listening to you. I'm gonna just say, okay, how about this? I'll take one more bite and then I'll put this down.

SPEAKER_05

Okay, but yeah, if you don't know, Nins, she loves to bake. Wait, can I just everyone so good?

SPEAKER_01

It is delectable. Thank you. It's the perfect texture, it's like moist. You could you got me the middle piece? Oh, so good. Okay.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Good.

SPEAKER_05

I'm glad you liked it. All right. But that's not to say my baking education was not without its disasters. One year, two hours before I was supposed to leave for Thanksgiving dinner, I cracked a glass bowl that I used as a double boiler to make custard. I was literally like the custard was forming. All I had to do was pour it in my pie crust and let it cool. And instead, I now had glass shards scattered throughout custard. Crunchy. So good. Um, I cried. Um another time, fuck God. Another time, I left a bag of powdered sugar open in my pantry. And when I went to go sprinkle said powdered sugar over a fresh batch of lemon bars, a live bug the size of my thumb. Oh fuck. Landed right on top of them. Oh my god. It was like a bug I'd never seen. I was like, what the fuck is this? I didn't cry, I screamed. Fuck. Okay. But with each bake, I got better and better. I learned proper techniques like how to measure flour using the spoon and level method. I could bring cold butter to room temperature in just a few minutes. How? Uh you microwave a bowl of water for like five minutes. Okay. And then that creates a bunch of steam. And then you put your butter on like a saucer and then you shove it in the microwave with the water so that the steam stays in the microwave and it like heats up your butter really fast. Oh. Okay. Good to know. Yeah. I learned to make an apple pie completely from scratch. Actually, every bake I do is completely from scratch because I'm crazy. No, that's so impressive. I would never, I would never. I'm insane. The lengths you go. Yes. And every social gathering, I'd come bearing gifts. Brownies, flawn, tiramisu. Each December, I'd make sugar cookies and icing for our annual Christmas cookie decorating with my nieces and nephews. Again, from scratch. I prepped and froze 300 cookies for my own wedding, which you then so lovingly heated in the oven at our Airbnb the night before our wedding.

SPEAKER_01

Thank God there were two ovens.

SPEAKER_05

Oh no, I know, right?

SPEAKER_01

Who was your team? Me, Jomie, and Crystal. Shout out Crystal the fuck out. I mean you.

SPEAKER_00

She was like, all right, like we afterwards we were like, should we open up insane?

SPEAKER_05

We're really good at this now. Shout the fuck out, all three of you. My God. Truly.

SPEAKER_02

You were so like.

SPEAKER_01

Maybe I won't say this part.

SPEAKER_00

You were not of sound mind. And you were traitsing in, like, oh, what's up? What's going on? And we're like, we're baking your fucking cookies for your fucking wedding. Um, shout the fuck out. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05

Shout the fuck out. But yeah, eight years worth of bakes. And for every single one, there by my side was my trusty little sunbeam mixer. And over the years, I had given Lou so much shit for thinking that I would never use this thing, right? Like every time I whipped it out, hey, remember when you thought I wasn't ever gonna use this? And I would kind of daydream to him about one day maybe splurging and getting myself a fancy KitchenAid mixer, you know, like the ones that are like super cute. But then I'd see the price and I'd go, never mind. I'm good with my I'm good with my little sunbeam. And in spite of all of my different bakes, there was one thing I was too intimidated to try. And that was a two-tiered cake. Cake, for those of you that don't bake, is incredibly time consuming.

SPEAKER_01

I raised my hand. I don't bake. I actually did not know it was time consuming. Oh my god. I've never made one.

SPEAKER_05

Well, if you make it from scratch, it's very time consuming. First, you have to bake the sponges, the the flour part of the cake. Once they're baked, you have to wait for them to cool down completely. Most of the time, people will take them out of the oven, wrap them in plastic, and then shove them in the freezer overnight. So that's already like one fucking day. The reason they do that is to like trap the steam while it's still hot so that the steam crystallizes, and then when you're ready to eat the cake, it's still moist.

SPEAKER_00

I'm learning so much.

SPEAKER_05

But once the sponges are cool, you then have to think about your filling. Are you gonna go with a nice little jam? Are you gonna have a chocolate ganache, maybe some glass-infused custard? Who knows? Yeah. And lastly, and most intimidatingly, the frosting. Fuck fucking frosting. Fuck a frosting, dude. Fucking frosting, dude. American buttercream comprised of your body weight in butter and powdered sugar, beating in your mixer for what feels like a year. Just like, my god. And then you have to take this frosting and shove it in piping bags. You know, those like I fucking know. You fucking know, right? So that you can evenly coat this frosting in and around your sponges before you then intricately decorate the outside of your cake with fancy piping. It takes so much work and so many tools. Like you have to get a round cake stand that spins, you have to get fucking all this shit. Amazon sponsor me because Jesus Christ. But I was always too scared to try this. I was like, fuck, dude. Like, I don't know if I could do it. That is until this past March when my sister asked if I could make her birthday cake for her. And without hesitation, I said yes. Because doing scary things feels a lot less scary when it's for someone you love. So after three days, two trips to the grocery store, four loads of dishes, and lots of work from my trusty little mixer, we had a cake, chocolate sponge with strawberry jam coated in pink American buttercream and topped with chocolate ganache and chocolate covered strawberries. It was beautiful. My sister loved it, my family loved it, and I was really. Proud of myself. That was the first time I actually paused to give myself credit. Hey, I did a good job, I thought to myself. I think I might actually be a pretty good baker. And while it's wonderful to find something you're good at, it's it's exhilarating when it's something you love. But I think for me, the best part about this whole thing is that this simple pleasure of mine is something I'm so eager to share with the people I love. It is how I love. Oh God. I literally just wrote, did you cry though? Yeah, I'm fucking crying already. Um I'm about to cry a lot more, so buckle up. Oh. So now that we have my cook-a-cook context out of the way, I'll share that this past summer, you and I found out that two of our best friends are baking their own little buns in the oven. Shout out Mar. Shout out Marty. This whole story is shoutouts, by the way. Yeah. Um, and I am sharing with Mar's permission.

SPEAKER_00

Sorry, let me get my tissues already. I'm just not gonna look at you for the rest of this assignment.

SPEAKER_05

I am sharing with Mar's permission that shortly after she told me the news, she turned to me and asked me if I could be the one to make. You said it was light. You lied. If I could be the one to make her gender reveal cake. Crying. Obvious reasons. We'll expand later, but like let me get through this. Now, she told me this during the summer, and as we know, there's still a few more months before Mar was gonna find out what the sex was. So I had some time to mentally prepare for this. Plan out the recipe, get the materials ready, etc. etc. Well, this past month we got the results and we were ready to go and bake this thing. But then the week before I'm ready to make this cake, Lou comes home with a big box in his hands. A gift for me. And in that box, please stop. I'd like you to stop now. Okay, until next time. And in that box was a light blue KitchenAid stand mixer. The exact one I'd been dreaming of. You deserve it, babe, he said to me. Kinda sucked because I could no longer give him shit anymore, right? Because this time he knew for certain this was gonna be something I would use over and over and over again. Big cry that day. Obviously, because what a beautiful gift. But also I was, to be honest, I also had to just honor that little sunbeam mixer that was there for me throughout all those years. I was a little sad to leave her behind, but it was time for an upgrade because like Lou said, I deserved it. Shout out Sunbeam. Sponsor us. Sponsor us. They're like, well, you don't use us of course. That doesn't make sense. Shout out KitchenAid. So later that week I bake the most meaningful bake of my life. I use my brand new KitchenAid mixer that my husband, my biggest supporter and most faithful dishwasher, bought me after eight years of watching me grow as a baker. I bake a cake, something that once terrified me when I used to think I wasn't good enough, but now knew with confidence that this was something I could easily do. And I bake for my best friend because she chose me to tell her and her husband this beautiful news in my favorite love language. When I dropped that blue food coloring into that frosting, I had my ugliest cry yet. I stood there in my kitchen and marveled at the life my best friend was creating. I can't look at you.

SPEAKER_02

Turn around.

SPEAKER_05

It suddenly felt real. This sweet boy, this love personified. And that's when I realized we really do create our own love. It can come in the form of me baking a cake or in the act of my husband giving me this gift. But it can also come in the form of my best friend asking me this question. Can you make this special cake for me? This thing that I know you love to do, can you do that for me? I realized that this hobby of mine is, yes, a way for me to show my love for my people. But I didn't realize until now all the many ways that it's brought love back to me. Ooh, Ange, these taste so good. Or oh my god, Ange, you shouldn't have. Or here, babe, you deserve this. Or Ange, will you bake this for me? Everything. All of it. That is the love I bake coming back to me in tenfolds. So let me end with one last shout-out. One last thank you to Kickstart this Thanksgiving week. Thank you, baking, for giving me this peaceful escape and creative outlet. For filling my kitchen with warmth and mess and sweet, sweet smells. And most importantly, for giving me another way to tell someone I love them and have them say it back. That is truly the sweetest treat of all.

unknown

God.

SPEAKER_01

Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck? I can't wait until we're doing live shows and the audience figures out that after you talk, I have to sit here in silence for five minutes while I just soak in everything you've just said. I'm like, should I even say this out loud? Because I will cry again. Is it worth it? I'll fucking do it.

SPEAKER_02

Most people. My eyes are so blurry I can't see anything. It's just a bunch of lights.

SPEAKER_01

Most people, when they have a gender reveal cake, they want to be made, will go to their local bakery, send them the results. An anonymous person makes it for them. They cut into it. But to be able to turn to your best friend, trust them because you knew before they knew.

SPEAKER_02

And what an honor to be tasked with that. It's such a gift being in your life and being the recipient of so many wonderful, delicious things.

SPEAKER_01

Whether I'm going to your place or you're coming to mine, you always have something, and I see that, and I'm so grateful. And I feel so loved by you when you put in this effort and you make something so delicious that we all enjoy. But I don't think I realized until you said this whole piece the honor of being asked, of being trusted, of being chosen in that way.

SPEAKER_05

It's really beautiful. Like for Mar to see me in that way. Hey, I know I see that you do this. I see that you love it. This just seems like the right question to ask. I know you mentioned our chat with Messi Liberation. And in that same conversation, at the end of it, we had asked each other, like, what are our cozy comforts? And mine was baking. I talked about how I loved baking, and Becky was like, you know, I love baking too, but I hate cooking. And in that moment, I realized, like, why is that? Because I also, you know, after eight years of being on my own, sometimes cooking does feel like a chore, right? And I was like, maybe that's the main difference because when you're cooking dinner, it's like you have to do it. But when I'm baking, I do it because I want to. I do it because it makes me happy. And it's just so wonderful, and I just feel so much gratitude for the fact that this thing that makes me happy I can easily share with the people around me.

SPEAKER_01

I love that Mar asked you because my inclination is oh, I don't want to burden her. You know, I wouldn't want to burden you with asking you to do that, but this is making me see that it doesn't have to be like that. And it was like such an honor. Yeah. It was such an honor that she asked me. Yeah, yeah. And I love that it was instead of her burdening you, it was her choosing you and her seeing you.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I want to do my own shout-out to Ninz. A few months ago now, we were going over to Nin's house. By the way, sorry, I realized that throughout this episode you called yourself Ange in the third person. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ange is Ninz. Sorry. Her name is Angela. She goes by Ange.

SPEAKER_05

That's what people call her. But we call her Ninz. The rest of the world, you're the only one that calls me Ninz, and therefore only crybabies call me Nin. The rest of the world calls you Ninz. My close friends and family will call me Ange.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. But Ninz really wanted to bake something that Sana could eat. And you know my girl is allergy ridden. So you were like messaging me, what about this recipe? What about this recipe? Can I do this? And I was like, I was, I kept trying to say, like, don't worry, don't worry. But it's, I feel like you were ignoring me saying that, and you were just like, okay, I found something. Eggless chocolate chip cookies.

SPEAKER_05

No, because maybe a month before that day, I had come to your house with our friends and I baked like some lemon pound cake. And she literally came up to the table and was like, Can I try? And you were like, No, you can't. I was like, I'm gonna fucking cry at this table. What do you mean she can't fucking have it? I was like, I never want to feel like this again. This is shitty. What the fuck? So I was like, I can't do that. I need to make her something she can eat.

SPEAKER_01

No, and she loved it so much. And you know what? I think that was like the first cookie she's ever had. Really? I could cry. Um, yeah, I think that was the first cookie that she's ever had.

SPEAKER_00

And it was so delicious.

SPEAKER_02

And she doesn't understand the lengths that you went to make her that, but she I mean, she loved those cookies. So shout out Sauna.

SPEAKER_04

Shout out Sauna.

SPEAKER_05

Oh man. Thank you. I appreciate that. I um I think it's just a reminder to me, like so many things are that like it feels so good to feel seen in that way. And it makes me want to see the way that others love. Because obviously, we're not all bakers, we're not as all skilled as I am, but there are so many other ways that the people we love show up for us, and it's so beautiful when we take just a second to acknowledge it and honor it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Shout out baking, shout out ninz, shout out brownies. Shout the fuck out. It's a sweet day. It is

Outro

SPEAKER_01

alrighty. Oh, we did it, dude. We fucking did it. Shit. Thanks for lending us your ears for the past hour or so. If you liked this, if you thought it was sweet, give us a five-star rating on Apple, Spotify. Send us a note if you want to share something that made you cry. If you have a personal story or some content you want us to consume, email us hello at beerbecryingpodcast.com. Send us a note on our website, beerbecryingpodcast.com. Follow us on socials, DM us on Instagram. We are at beerbecrying.podcasts on all socials. If you want to be a little weirdo, go on our YouTube and make a little comment about like something completely unrelated. Um, but yeah, we're here for you and we love hearing from you. And just thank you. Thanks.

SPEAKER_05

Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. That's the it. That's the it. That's the it. That's the it for this week. See you in fourteen days. Mm-hmm. Two weeks. Yes, sir. But until then, beer be crying.