brb crying

045: "st. clarity" by the paper kites & an emotional birth story

• nins & arns

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0:00 | 58:14

This week, Nins & Arns drift through “St. Clarity” by The Paper Kites, emotional healing, pregnancy, childbirth, and the strangely beautiful process of becoming someone new.

Nins gets lost in the dreamy stillness of “St. Clarity” by The Paper Kites, reflecting on the song’s peaceful atmosphere, quiet emotional weight, and the ripple effects our actions leave behind long after a moment has passed.

Arns shares her birth story—from pregnancy fears and labor pain to the surreal feeling of meeting her daughter for the first time, and realizing that childbirth doesn’t just bring a new person into the world…it births a new version of you, too.

This episode explores vulnerability, memory, identity, family, healing, motherhood, and the small moments that permanently shape who we become.

Content warning: pregnancy, childbirth

  • 0:00 - Preview
  • 0:24 - Intro
  • 2:54 - Bad days
  • 7:23 - Nins: St. Clarity by The Paper Kites
  • 30:14 - Arns: birth story
  • 56:26 - Outro

Referenced in this episode:

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brb crying—hosted by longtime best friends Nins & Arns—is a podcast where we explore the songs, books, TV shows, films, pop culture moments, and personal stories that help us laugh, cry, heal, and feel a little less alone. Crying is our superpower, and by sharing what makes us cry in a way that makes us laugh, we show how crying helps us connect with ourselves and each other.

Preview

SPEAKER_03

I was an emo pop punk princess.

SPEAKER_07

My Zanga name, X underscore Miss Bright Side. Suddenly I'm very awake because holy fuck, I'm pretty sure my water just broke.

SPEAKER_04

I love when you do your hair like this.

SPEAKER_06

Oh. Let's just move it. I can't. This is a crying podcast.

SPEAKER_05

You or me. I'm already crying. I don't even know what you're about to say. I'm already crying.

Intro

SPEAKER_03

This is BRB Crying.

SPEAKER_07

Hello everyone, and welcome back to BRB Crying. I'm Arns.

SPEAKER_03

And I'm Ninz. And listen, we're here to talk tears, okay? Plain and simple. That's what we got. Okay. Straight to the point. Straight to the point. We are two best friends who love to talk and tell each other about what made them cry. Beautifully said. Succinct. Thank you. Uncharacteristically succinct. Do you think so?

SPEAKER_00

Listen.

SPEAKER_03

I don't know. I have my moments, I feel. She says after 45 episodes of hour-long yap sessions. I'm pretty succinct. I don't know. Exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

Anyway, uh, if you're new here, welcome. If you're old here, welcome back, crybabies. Love to have you all. If you don't already follow us on socials, what are you doing? At beerbecrying.podcast everywhere. Get on our email list. Check out our viral TikToks. Multiple. Do you hear that? Plural. Plural. Yes. TikTok is so fun. It is. I have so much fun on there.

SPEAKER_03

God, I love just knowing that I have a shit ton of notifications because what we say on there is unhinged. We get all the likes, all the comments. Yeah. You could be part of that crew. You could.

SPEAKER_07

It's really fun. It's it's a good time over there. So follow along and send us some sob stories if you have anything that made you cry. If you have any cry recommendations, and tell your friends and fam about us.

SPEAKER_03

I know it's unusual for you to hear that at the beginning, but you'll see. You'll see once you hear our stories. Like, oh man, they're kind of they're kind of cool. They're a little cool. They're kind of funny. They're kind of funny.

SPEAKER_07

How do I join? Yeah, that's you, by the way. That was m me mocking you. Um but also, while while I have your attention, I want to plug. We have some events going on next month. So follow us on socials, and that's where we're gonna be posting all the stuff. Also on our email list. So excited to announce. Stay tuned.

SPEAKER_03

Stay tuned.

Bad days

SPEAKER_03

How are you? Uh you know what? I am hungover from a uh crash out. Oh. I didn't have a good day yesterday.

SPEAKER_07

Um did you not either? I it was weird. Vibe was weird, energy was weird. I saw your I saw your TikTok.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, thanks. Um, yeah. It was weird. And it was coincidence? Universe? I don't know. But yesterday, so yesterday from the day that we were recording this episode, we published our episode 43, um, where we did a throwback to my PMDD story. And I coincidentally had the worst bout I'd had in like maybe three years.

SPEAKER_07

Oh no.

SPEAKER_03

Did we attract that? Oh no. I don't know. It was really bad. Oh, I'm sorry. And I just I felt it really bad yesterday, and I just like couldn't get out of the loop. That's tough. Yeah. I just like fucking curled up, cried, just thought like every negative thing I could think of. It's like more, more, you know. Just went to sleep, woke up, and I just feel like hung over, you know.

SPEAKER_07

But it doesn't seem like you have that sort of intensity as you did yesterday.

SPEAKER_03

No. Yeah. I I think the worst of it is is past. Okay. But I'm just like, whoa, you know. Because it just like it elicits things that you thought were gone or you thought were healed, and then you're like, oh actually. Yeah. So, but here we are. You're you're here. Here I am. We're here. You know? We're doing it. Yeah. I'm sorry, dude. That sucks. Fuck it. You did say in your TikTok, I forgot. I don't know either. I just recorded. Like, we're here to experience it's true. Yes. A range of things on this earth. You know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

I yes.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. Yeah. That's what I got. Cool. How about you?

SPEAKER_07

Also, energy weird. And I don't I also saw people talking about like astrology shit, about like this date, today in particular, being like a big shift. And so if things are coming up in the days leading up to it, don't be surprised. So I was like, all right, okay. Yeah. I'm I am going to call it that. And I'm going to say that this is me still shedding all the things. Sure. I mean, yeah, it is hard when those things come up. You think that you're over it. Yeah. And you're like, wait, am I regressing? Right. But listen, we're just, we're here to fucking, we're here to feel it.

SPEAKER_03

We're here to be here. Mm-hmm. And all you can do is like sit through it, right? What's the fun of having it all done and healed? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Boring. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

The fuck? Yeah. Lame. Yeah. So. Alright.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

SPEAKER_07

Okay. Should we get into this? I guess so. Should we end this and move forward?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Okay. I guess.

SPEAKER_04

Let's fucking do the thing. It's looking beautiful today, by the way. Really? Yeah. I love the hair. I love when you do your hair like that.

SPEAKER_06

Oh. Now let's just move on. Let's just move on. No! I can't. This is a crying podcast. You can't deny yourself the tears.

SPEAKER_05

Just please humor me. Humor me. I'm already crying. I don't even know what you're about to say. I'm already crying.

SPEAKER_02

Just go for it, you know? I really did not feel beautiful yesterday, let me tell you. Like I really was just like every worst thought. You know? Shut up.

SPEAKER_03

Thank you. You're welcome. Appreciate that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Whoa. Listen, guys, if this is your first time tuning in, here's a little taste. She's fucking buckle in, bro.

Nins: St. Clarity by The Paper Kites

SPEAKER_03

This one is pretty light today, actually.

SPEAKER_07

Okay. How many times have you started a segment off like that?

SPEAKER_03

And no, I mean, I've had some fucked up ones though, so I am not thinking that this is gonna be too much. Okay. So I know you and I joke all the time that we are the same person. And it's true. Very, very similar lives. But there is one difference that I clocked back when you and I were in middle school. Well, before you said middle school, I was gonna say, Oh, you have a cat, and I've never had a cat.

SPEAKER_06

You've been thinking about getting a cat. So you've been sending me rent-free in your head. I've been thinking, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Guys, she wants a cat. Keep sending her cat vids. It'll slowly convince her. Okay, you were tall. I was just gonna say, yeah. I was like, oh man, she's gonna pull of the fact that I was like six one in middle school.

SPEAKER_05

You were six one and I was three feet. It was crazy.

SPEAKER_03

It's like a head taller than everyone, but but everyone caught up. Okay. I'm like five three now, okay?

SPEAKER_05

In the head, you're still huge. You're still huge. We're like the same height, but okay. But that wasn't what I was gonna clock.

SPEAKER_03

All right. And that was that even though we sported matching Abercrombie track jackets and alternating pink and blue braces, we had very different music tastes. Oh, yes. You were listening to Slow Jams, Slow Jams with a Z, Ursher, Alicia Keys. Yes, yep, yep. What else did you have on your on your uh iPod shuffle? Up to Mia.

SPEAKER_07

Any RNG 90s 2000s.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. Me, however. I was an emo pop punk princess. My my Zanga name back in the day was X underscore Miss Brightside.

SPEAKER_07

I was gonna say Mr. Brightside is what I think of when I think of your music taste in middle school. That's what I think of you.

SPEAKER_03

That was me.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Miss Brightside. You were that yeah, makes sense. Loved. Um loved popping in an emo indie CD into my Walkman or stereo player and rocking out to the likes of Deathcab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, Something Corporate. These are all rock bands.

SPEAKER_07

I've never heard of something corporate. I have heard of the others. Okay. I couldn't tell you any songs. But if I heard it, I'd know it.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. No, but I was just like really indie and cool. So like you wouldn't have heard of something corporate.

SPEAKER_07

Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_03

But yeah, your girl loves some indie rock. Okay. Any opportunity for me to feel like I am the main character of a movie, wistfully looking out of the window of a moving train while like a deeply emotional and pensive song plays in the background. I'm gonna take that opportunity. Yeah, why wouldn't you? I am the main character. I owe a lot to early 2000s emo music. Anyone who has ever experienced puberty and adolescence knows how intensely we feel when we're that age. And having this music to really allow myself to sink into it was like one of my first wake-up calls into embracing my emotions. Shout the fuck out. Emo is short for what? I don't actually know. But I think I could deduce. Let us know in the comments. Okay. I carry my love for this genre of music with me to this day. And over the years, I've collected some fire flame bangers, some slaps, if you will. Wow. Can I say that? Sure. Can I say like as a Bay Area native, can I say like say whatever you want. Feel sacrilegious. Anyway. Today I will be covering a song that I added to my Spotify starred list back in 2013 when it first came out, meaning that I've been listening to it on and off for 13 years now. But it wasn't until last week that I decided to watch the music video for it and found myself experiencing the song in a whole new light. So let's dive into the 2013 song Saint Clarity by the Paper Kites, and music video for said song directed by Natasha Pinkis and starring Sylvan Letouve. Sources for today: an article by The Wayback Machine by Amy Theodore, an article by K R U I FM Radio Station by Alex Restrepo, an interview with David Powis for Timber and Steel WordPress, and a YouTube video from the Paper Kites band YouTube, The Making of St. Clarity. Okay. Wow. What the fuck did I form in high school?

SPEAKER_07

Wait, were they in high school when they formed it? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, like, I think unofficially they were like starting to create music together. What the fuck did we do in high school? Damn. We sang church choruses.

SPEAKER_07

You know what? Don't knock the fucking harmonies. Alright.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. Lead vocalist and guitarist Sam Bentley and keyboardist guitarist Christina Lacey started making music together as teens. And after graduating high school, they started slowly gaining some notoriety in their hometown of Melbourne by performing at local shows. Then, after getting invited to play a set at a music festival, they invited three more of the homies from high school, Sam Rasmussen, David Powis, and Josh Bentley to join them, and they've officially became a band of five. Their sound is very indie-folk-y. Okay, so just imagine closing your eyes for a second. The vibe is lots of flannel, maybe a steaming ceramic mug of coffee in your hands while sitting on a log at the edge of a forest. It's it's overcast. Early morning. It's that sweet solitude of you being the only one awake. There's like pine. I don't know. Yes, you know. Love it. That's the vibe. That's the vibe.

SPEAKER_04

I smelled the pine.

SPEAKER_03

That was so crazy. Like I smelled it. Peaceful, almost delightfully lazy melodies with finger-picking guitar and banjos playing in the background. It's really warm, really comforting. I often find myself craving their music when I just want a moment to calm down and exhale. I know I mentioned that my story today is about their song Saint Clarity, but I really can't talk about the Paper Kites without mentioning their most famous song called Bloom, which they released in 2010. So I'm just gonna play a quick snippet for you, Arns, because this was the first song I had ever heard from them, and I instantly fell in love. It's such a distinct, dreamy sound that I think really sets the stage for what kind of band this is. So let me just quickly play a little bit for you.

SPEAKER_07

I I knew it as soon as I heard the music, like before I even heard the singing. But then I was like, there's no way I know the song.

SPEAKER_03

But then it turns out then it was like, oh, I do actually. You guys, she's an indie goody.

SPEAKER_07

I'm cultured.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Just like so magical. Love it. It's just beautiful. So once they released this song, Bloom, the band gradually started gaining media attention. One of the band members, Josh Bentley, said, it was a pretty steady progression of word of mouth, friends telling their friends, and so on. It wasn't any sort of viral thing. It was a really natural buildup of people sharing our music. And I think that's so in line with their style, right? It's not flashy or disruptive or forceful. It's just steady, calm, and peaceful. Okay, so St. Clarity. This was a single off of their 2013 debut album called States. Vibe of the song, uh, very much in line with what you had just heard. But I would say that where Bloom has this sound that's really tranquil and light, St. Clarity has a much more pensive gloominess to it, but there's still that overtone of hope and wonder. Frontman Sam Bentley was quoted saying, At its heart, the song is about the beauty of finding clarity in a situation, seeing things from a perspective that's clear, from an angle you haven't seen before. So let me go ahead and play this music video for Saint Clarity by the Paper Kites, which was again directed by Natasha Pinkis and starring Sylvan Letouve. So, just played that music video for Arns. I highly, highly recommend you checking out the link in our show description and watching it for yourself before we dive in. But just in case you're on that freeway can't necessarily reach for your phone and look at a screen for three and a half minutes, here's what you'll see. Music video opens up to the shot of a city. It's beautiful, not a cloud in the sky. But what is gently floating through the air is a little bubble. So we watch as it floats along past skyscrapers and bridges, over roads and factories, until eventually we watch as it traipses into an abandoned building. There's graffiti on the walls, damaged brick and broken wooden beams, and this little bubble glides on through until it finds its way to a small corner of this building where a man in a sleeping bag is waking up. This man we can deduce is homeless, clearly squatting in this space, but he sees the bubble and immediately sits up and outstretches his hand as it lands in his palm. The bubble pops, and the man kind of just sits there in wonder, like what the fuck was that? He gets up, he looks around the building trying to make sense of where this bubble came from, who blew it, and why. But he knows there's no answer. It's a mystery. So the man pivots and decides instead of chasing down the origins of this mysterious bubble, maybe instead he can find a way to just make more. He heads into town, walks into a shop, and finds a bottle of bubbles in a store. He takes out the wand, blows a few bubbles, feels the soapy water in between his fingers, and for once kind of just has fun with it. But he knows he can't walk out of the store with it. You know, the whole like money and like paying for stuff and like what a pain. It's a challenge. But this doesn't stop him. He gets scrappy. He digs through the trash, trying to find some supplies. He goes into a public restroom and collects some soap from the dispenser. My guy is now an engineer. Okay. Yep. He brings back all of this equipment to the abandoned building, some wooden sticks, some rope, and a big jar of soapy water and gets to work. And then you see as he builds this huge fucking contraption, uh-uh-uh and just knew how to do it and blows thousands of bubbles into this abandoned building and just watches them float through the air. Then he goes outside and he drags this engineering Marvel, Sir, let's copyright this, through the wind, and it creates this huge, huge mega bubble. And he's like, oh shit, oh shit. And the video ends with this huge bubble floating up into the air and him watching in awe from below. And that leads us to the opening lyrics of this song. Well, it's how I see you when I see you from below, and I feel no other sights or sounds of things I know. Only a glow. Only a glow. This song and this music video serve a pretty obvious metaphor for those quiet moments that sneak up on us and completely change the way we see the world. We have no idea where this man has been, what his life was like that led him here. But we can imagine that up until that morning, he'd been somewhat on autopilot, spending his days feeling invisible, feeling forgotten. And then all of a sudden this tiny little bubble floats into his orbit. And it's like he wakes up reinvigorated by this one small moment where he feels just an ounce of joy. And it changes him. He gets up with this new purpose, trying to find and create just a little bit more of this joy for himself instead of letting it float right past him. It makes me think about all the times in my own life where people have done or said something to me that has woken me up from my own stupor and inspired me to look at the world differently. My mom openly crying while watching a sentimental scene in a movie, and how that's allowed me to feel safe to express my own feelings. Two friends named Karen and Georgia starting a true crime comedy podcast and planting the idea in my mind that maybe I could do something similar one day. Even a random influencer on TikTok teaching me about which color palette looks best on my natural features. All of these exchanges with people completely unaware that they've allowed me to feel more whole, more inspired, more beautiful. But it doesn't stop there. It doesn't stop with how I have been changed. Because I'm sure without me even realizing it, I have been this for someone else. Someone else's bubble. You arns living so authentically and embracing this newfound version of yourself, posting your thoughts online with a bravery and confidence. I, in the three decades we've known each other, have never seen you showcase until now, and inspiring the people around you to do the same. We walk around this world being changed every day by people who don't even realize it. We don't know where this bubble came from or why. We don't know how it found its way to this man in this house. And it really doesn't matter because we're just grateful that it did. Just like the lines of the refrain say, I don't know you, but I know what you do. I don't know you, but I know what you do. I want to end the story today with a fun fact about the making of this music video. In the behind the scenes video uploaded to the paper kites YouTube, the director, Natasha Pinkis, talks about scouting the perfect location, practicing making the bubbles, and then when it finally came to shooting, all these bubbles that Sylvan, that the actor, was making floated out into the city. And Natasha says, It was so much fun seeing people watching the bubbles in the street when we were doing it. It sort of was like a flash bubble, like a flash mob bubbling. We just broke into different areas and Sylvan did his bubbles and you just got that feeling. Everyone, I think, shared that feeling at that moment that the world was alright and that everything was gonna be okay. When we inevitably forget that message of hope, may this life of ours be filled with unexpected bubbles, some drifting toward us by chance and others born from our own breath.

SPEAKER_07

Thank you for that. That was Well, I will say thank you for also sharing the lyrics with me because I don't know that song, and so you know me, like I can't look, I can't watch and also listen at the same time. I don't know what what was said in that song.

SPEAKER_03

You know what though? I've been listening to the song for 13 years. I didn't fucking know. Okay. Like it's comforting the vibe, you know. Okay, okay, yeah. Never thought to be like, what is this song? It's like you're forced to write a story every two weeks.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I love what you were saying about how, yes, other people being that bubble for you, other things in your life happening that spark that in you, and then you not knowing when you do that for someone else. And I feel like that's why it's it feels so important to me that everyone just be themselves and share themselves because you don't know. You don't know, even just like one person. Hearing you and being affected by like I I think about your examples of little things that have happened in your life where it's fundamentally changed you. I mean, even like literally your example of like a TikTok. I I see these like random parenting TikToks, and like I can't tell you who it was when it happened years and years ago before I even conceived of having a child, like even thought about it. And it stuck with me, and I remember thinking, like, that is the kind of parent I want to be. And it's like, what? Like, if that person never thought to share the entire course of my life and how I how a parent was affected by that one person doing that one thing, that one time.

SPEAKER_03

And that person is living their life, no fucking clue how much it's impacted you. No, it's just so miraculous to think about when you realize, like, wow, there's so many people that have changed me, they don't even know it. And then you stop and think, Whoa, who have I changed?

SPEAKER_07

I feel like bubbles are also the perfect metaphor. Is it a metaphor? I mean, they're just so incredible. That video? What the fuck? My dude making a huge bubble. Also, good to know it was real. I was like, is this this can't be real? Like, this is too too good to be true. Like it's I mean, it's so magical, so playful, like what a and so full of like wonder.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. I loved those shots of Sylvan, the actor, like looking up, like, oh my god, look what I made. And he just lets it go, right? And who knows, like who else is gonna see that bubble and feel as moved as he did, you know? Like it's just it's like a cycle, it's just so cool to think about and just remember that we're all connected.

SPEAKER_07

It really is a cycle, and when someone like does that for you, like watching him feel inspired to do the same thing, it's like that chain reaction, right? Like, I'm gonna keep making this magic. Yeah. Right? Oh my god. I love that. Yeah.

unknown

Wow.

SPEAKER_03

Had I not spiraled, I probably would have gone to the store and ended it with a little, but alas, alas, maybe next time.

SPEAKER_07

It wouldn't have been as big as his bubbles, let me tell you. I might have been underwhelmed. Okay. I don't think you heard the point of my story.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Paper kites, everyone. They just released another album in January of 2026. Cool. They're still fucking doing it. And it's really cute. I like, in passing, I was in my research, Christina Lacey, one of the one of the band members, was talking about how like how different it is to go on tour now because like they all have kids. Like they're all like in this different stage of their life. But it's just something that they felt called to do.

SPEAKER_07

That's really cool. Yeah. Thanks.

SPEAKER_03

Still doing it. Still fucking doing it, you know?

SPEAKER_07

Oh. Oh, paper kites, everyone.

SPEAKER_03

The biggest fan. Yeah. She day one. Day one.

Arns: birth story

SPEAKER_03

Well, right, hit me. Okay. Pivot? Um, I think so.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. It's a it's a it's a pivot. It is a pivot. You'll find a way. Yeah, you'll find a way. Okay. I have to apologize in advance because last week when I hung out with you, I told you, oh yeah, my story's gonna be like very casual. I'm gonna like talk. I don't know if you remember this conversation.

SPEAKER_03

I do. I I think the words you said were, yeah, I'm gonna talk about something that just like happened to make me cry. And I was like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07

In retrospect, yes, that's everything. Um, that is our podcast. But uh, I had to throw it all out the window. Love that. Because at the time of this recording, you know this, it is the day before my child's third birthday. So you can imagine you saw me working on that fucking poster board. That's all I've been thinking about. Jell-O cups, birthday, you know, all the things. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And sauna's birthday every year, going down that rabbit hole of photos. Thank you, Apple Photos, for reminding me what happened on this day in three years ago.

SPEAKER_03

It's kind of scary how they like can recognize when it's like fresh out the womb. Oh, yeah, this is this is Sana. Yeah. And like, I'm like, how do you know my niece when she's like a day old?

SPEAKER_07

I literally type in Sana Bukott. I mean, from the beginning, and I'm like, um, what do you mean you know who that is? Right. That baby I don't even know who that is. But after crying in bed at 6 a.m. every morning while scrolling through these photos, it only felt right for me to share something I've been meaning to share since we started this podcast, which is my birth story. Speaking of fresh woman, uh reenactment, yes. You will play the part of Sauna. I will be me.

SPEAKER_05

You're really good at those cry sounds. Right.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Get a little limber. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07

Stretch a little. You're gonna need to. Um I I want to preface this by saying I know how sensitive of a topic pregnancy, motherhood, childbirth is for people. And this story contains very detailed descriptions of childbirth. So if you're listening and that is a sensitive topic for you, please take care. And I also want to acknowledge that being able to shoot how I gave birth, huge privilege. And how I gave birth is also my preference. This is not me, you know, saying different forms of delivery are better than others. Also, I'm not a medical professional. Nothing I share on here should be taken as medical advice. So if you have any questions, please consult with your doctor. For the love of God, just like don't cancel us. Please, okay? Like, how many covering my ass. Anything I forgot, you know I meant it.

unknown

God. Okay.

SPEAKER_07

God. God. Please. Okay. So, Kaguoka context. You know I can't just dive into the birth. We gotta talk about the pregnancy. Are you gonna talk about how you got pregnant? So, getting pregnant journey in and of itself, it took less than a year, but every month I didn't get pregnant, torturous. I also spent so much time obsessing over getting pregnant that by the time I was actually pregnant, I was like, wait, what? Like, what do I do? Because I my mind wasn't even there yet. So, this is a story for another day, but as beautiful as a journey pregnancy was, it was excruciating for me. First trimester, nausea. Not the kind where you actually throw up, but where you're on the precipice of throwing up and you can't. So it's just an unfulfilled nausea. You know what I mean? Uh you know, yeah, yeah. Fair. Uh second trimester, I had symphysis pubic dysfunction. There were days I couldn't walk. Also, emotional toll. You know how the media always depicts oh, pregnant women are so crazy. That was actually that was me. I didn't want to be, I didn't want to be that, but I overnight became a jealous high school girlfriend. Like that's how I felt. Really? It was crazy. Yeah. Like specifically to Jomar? Um, yeah, I think it was, yeah, yeah. I'm not that's not on the story, I'm not gonna get into it. Yeah. But yes, yes. Um, I also had borderline gestational diabetes. So I had to prick my finger five times a day, manage my blood sugar. I couldn't eat all the things like all the pregnant women, like how it shows, oh, I get to eat, whatever. No, that wasn't me. And also at the end of my third trimester, the worst heartburn, perpetually congested, could not sleep lying flat, had to be elevated. I was also high risk. I did weekly stress tests towards the end and uh monthly ultrasounds, and ultrasounds are just like, oh cute, you know, you get to see the baby. So painful. I have two massive fibroids, so I would turn my face away in pain, crying every single time I did an ultrasound. It was really, really hard. All this to say, your girl was ready for this baby to come out. It had gotten to the point where I was starting to drink raspberry leaf tea, which is an herbal remedy for trying to like induce yourself naturally. So I started doing that. Um, but also from the beginning, I always knew I was gonna have my baby a little bit before my due date. I just had this feeling. So, the countdown. T minus three days before. Me and Jomie are celebrating our 16-year digging anniversary. We go to a little Hawaiian restaurant, shout out hula hoops. Have you ever been there, Daily City? I don't think so. It's fire. Okay. Really good. Sponsor us. Spo sponsor us. Uh we happen to be seated at the bar next to Jomar's old coworker, has not seen in years. He's very drunk. At one point, this man asked me, So, who's taking care of the baby? And I'm like, ha ha. And he's like, Who's taking care of the baby? And I was like, sir, I'm nine months pregnant. Like it was it was crazy, crazy interaction. And that was our entire, our entire dinner. But he didn't know us you were pregnant. I guess not. He was, yeah, it was weird. Weird vibes. That was our day. Okay. Yeah, it was weird. He doesn't have to sponsor us. Yeah, he doesn't have to sponsor us. Yeah. So that was three days before. Two days before. My last day of work before maternity leave. We celebrate by getting hot pot with friends. Shout out seapot. You were there. Was I? Yes, two days before I gave birth. Two days before. Two fucking days. I ended work two days before I gave birth. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Oh.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. Wow. That was the vibe two days before. Okay. 24 hours before. We hang out with a friend visiting from SoCal. Shout out Darren. I get my favorite, non-caffeinated boba. Shout out Sunrite. Sponsor us. Oreo brulee boba milk tea. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, no, sorry, boba milk. Not the tea. Boba milk. Okay. Jomie and I finish up a show we're watching on Netflix. It's called Shadow and Bone. It's like young adult fantasy novel. It's basically it's not a comedy, but Jomar is mocking one of the characters, and I'm laughing so you know, like one of those laughs where you can't breathe, you're crying. I'm laughing so hard, and we're like, can you imagine if I go into labor because I'm laughing so hard? Because this is crazy things are happening right now while I'm laughing. Ha ha. Wouldn't that be funny? We go to sleep. Sunday morning. I am 38 weeks pregnant, exactly. It's 3 a.m. I get up and go to the bathroom, as pregnant women do, multiple times a night. Have a sleep, I sit down to pee. I finish peeing. But wait, why is there still so much liquid gushing out of me? Suddenly I'm very awake because holy fuck, I'm pretty sure my water just broke. Okay. So I text my doula, who to her credit answers me immediately, tells me, start timing your contractions. She also mentions she can't be there due to lack of childcare because it's 3 a.m. So she is sending a backup doula in her stead. She tells me to wait until my contractions are about four minutes apart and my pain level is an eight out of ten to go to the hospital. Meanwhile, Jomie holding up different outfits to his body in the mirror, saying, What should I wear to meet my daughter? Love it. Actually, no, let me retract. Hate it. You think that, but at the same time, I am so grateful that this is his reaction because the nurse in him, it's like it's on, activated. He's calm, cool, collected, no panic to be seen. Okay. So grab our things, we drive over to my sister's apartment, which is across the street from the hospital. Meanwhile, the fluids are still flowing. You know how in the movies they show, like, oh, the water broke fluids, and then it's over, like huge gush. It just kept going. I brought one pair of pants with me, and that shit was fucking soaked through. So ew. Yeah, I was fucked. I was like, well, I guess I'm just gonna have only this wet pair of pants. What are you supposed to do? Great question. You know, I guess bring multiple pairs of pants. Write it in the comments, y'all. Hot tip. So we're at my sister's apartment. The contractions are starting to get more intense. But remember, in addition to the four minutes apart, I'm waiting to feel a pain level of eight out of ten. What's an eight out of ten? I don't know. Right. But I figure, you know, I get to the point where I can't stand upright. My eyes are closed, and I can't continue a conversation because the pain is is just so intense. I'm like, I think we're at an eight. So we go to the hospital. By the way, we're walking to the hospital. You know, they have those hospitals have like those driveways. So walking to the driveway, we are stopped by multiple people asking if I'm okay. Because like I'm literally like I'm checking in at the front desk. I'm like, my head. I put my head down like on the desk. Like I can't even, I'm not, I can hardly stay upright. We're walking to the labor and delivery unit. I am having to pause and like brace myself against the wall. And like it's just, it's I'm hard, I'm hardly making it in. But we do it. We get in that room, they measure me. Your girl's five centimeters dilated. Okay.

SPEAKER_04

We are halfway through. Okay.

SPEAKER_07

Halfway through. Okay. So they settle me in my room. Maybe it's like 8 or 9 a.m. at this point. Backup Jula shows up. Turns out she's the Jewula that I originally wanted to book. But she didn't have availability when I was looking through her calendar. So I didn't even bother reaching out to her. But she was here. She was the one. She was the one. Hey Juliana. And thank God she's here because I got my birth plan ready, you know? And my number one thing, I do not want to labor on my back. Put me on a yoga ball, put me on all fours, like on my hands and knees, put me on my side, let me squat, but not on my back. I've just, it's never made sense to me that all the other mammals give birth on all fours. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but I just like I love lying down, so I like I don't want to be up.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. Fair, fair, fair. Uh I thought I was gonna have to fight like tooth and nail for them to let me do this. I was like spoil I was like, I'm gonna fight for this. They were like, yeah, sure, okay. I was like, okay. Mm-hmm. And pretty early on, they asked me if I want an epidural. And I'm not opposed to it, but the morbidly curious side of me is like, I kinda wanna know how it feels. I kinda wanna know how bad it is. So I'm like, ask me later, ask me later. Okay. A couple hours later. Have you decided if you want the epidural? Because this is your last chance. Your window of opportunity is closing. You have to decide now. And I'm like, okay, well, like, how much worse is the pain gonna get? And they're like, the pain is pretty much the same. It's just that the contractions become more frequent and they last longer. And again, maybe it's maybe it's morbid curiosity, but I also feel this kind of primal strength awakening in me. And ultimately, I'm like, you know what? No, I don't need this. I I was built for this. I can do this. Okay. And I want to shout out my doula here because at this point I have a tens unit on, which is like this little electromagnetic current thing where you put the patches on your back and it sends these electric currents to your skin whenever you press the button, and it's supposed to help manage the pain. But she also reminds me of this technique that my original doula also taught me, which is the double hip squeeze. Have you ever heard of this? No. Okay. It's not in my algo. Yeah. You know what? Say the thing is, you would have thought it would have come up on mine, never did. Never heard of it until my doula told me about it. But basically, once the baby is lower in your pelvis, every time you're going through a contraction, you have someone squeeze as hard as they can on either side of your hips. And it creates a counter pressure and it helps kind of like loosen you. Up a little bit. So my doula and Jomi were taking turns every time I had a contraction, like squeezing me. And Joar was like, I feel like I'm gonna break her hips. And they're like, No, no, no, she's fine, she's fine. And so I genuinely feel like this is what made it manageable for me without having that bedroom. Okay. So shut the fuck out. Shout the fuck out, double hip squeeze. Shout the fuck out, doulas. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am roaring in pain. They tell me later on after this is all over that the nurse, I mean, everyone can hear me in the whole fucking unit. The nurses in the break room are always like, hey, how's how is how's she doing? Like, is the baby out? Yeah, is the baby out? Yeah, they're like cheering me on. And I was like, Wow. Yeah, yeah. So also I'm literally, I'm shitting all over the bed. Okay. Jomie, no longer expectant father. He, again, medical professional activated. He, doula nurses, taking turns wiping the shit. And I don't give a fuck. Like, I I think at one point in between contractions, I'm like joking about it. I'm like, I'm guys, I'm really sorry. I I know I'm fucking shitting this bed right now. But the thing is, no one told me this, but in between contractions, you're tired, but you feel fucking like normal. Like clear head, you know, it's like I'm just another day. So, but yeah, I'm I'm laboring in different positions, I'm I'm on the yoga ball, I do all fours, I'm on my side. But at some point, I get this feeling of like, I feel like I can't keep it in any longer. I feel like I have to push. And they check how low the baby is, and they tell me, she's technically low enough to push, so we can start pushing. It's like 12, 12 o'clock at this point. But if there is one thing in this entire experience that I wish I could do differently, I wish I would have waited to push until the baby was lower. Okay. Because I ended up pushing for two hours and I had like second degree tears, meaning months before I could sit properly without feeling pain. But alas, they let me do it. I settled down in a squat, and they set up a squatting bar at the foot of the bed, and my arms are kind of just like hanging over it. And every time I feel a contraction come on, I'm like hoisted upwards, leaning over it, and then I then I kind of fall back. I sit back down after the contraction passes. But this bar is basically meant to hold my weight for the duration of the contractions. And it gets to the point where it's just mostly contractions. It's like the respite in between is like, it's so so few and far between that I get a break. It's just like contraction after contraction. It's like it starts to feel impossible. At one point, I tell Joey, this fucking baby's never coming out. She's never coming out. She's stuck in here. She's not coming out. Because that's genuinely like that's how I felt in the moment. I was like, this is I can't do this. It's impossible. And it's just like wave after wave of pain. And everyone, everything around me, everything is like starting to blend together. Like I'm hearing people say things, but I'm not really like understanding it. And all I can do is just scream and breathe and feel, feel it all. And at one point, I'm like, I'm not human. I am something else entirely. I am a goddess. I am this vortex of pure energy, and I can move, I can move mountains. And finally, finally, at 2 19 p.m. after 11 hours of labor, I am a mother collapsed on my back, a newborn baby in my arms, and I thought I would be a mess of tears.

SPEAKER_05

You know how you always see people crying as they hold their newborn baby. That was not me.

SPEAKER_07

I was just so relieved that it was over. I was also probably very much in shock from the pain. But when I look back on these photos, the tears always find me without fail. Because to carry and birth a child, there are a few things as miraculous to me as this. I look back on these photos and I feel so many things for that version of me. I want to hug her and tell her what a wonderful job she did. How she's okay now, how proud I am of her. I want to ease the worry off her face. I want to smooth her brow and whisper in her ear, you are incredible. I want to tell her, Yes, you gave birth to this beautiful, perfect child. And you also birthed a new you into this world. I imagine Sana one day asking me, Why did you why did you choose to do that? Even if it put you in so much pain, like why did you choose that? And I imagine telling her, because I wanted to feel it all. I wanted to show myself that even when it seems like I can't go on, I always can. I know not everyone has or will experience childbirth. And again, I recognize that choosing how I got to give birth was a massive privilege. Many people don't get that choice. But regardless, that superhuman strength that lies in all of us. It might not be as dramatic as an unmedicated vaginal delivery. But we all know what it's like to give and give and give of yourself to something, and to realize I am so much more capable than I thought. I really was built to do hard things. Because as wonderful as it would be to have an easy life, we came here to have this full experience, right? We came here to have all of that complexity and those emotions and that messiness. To feel it all is the furthest thing from easy. But we can do hard things. We are built for them. If you're listening and if there's anything that you've given your all to, given your a thousand percent to, I hope you take the time to look back and marvel at yourself and say, Oh wow, I I really did that. Because every time you show yourself what you're capable of, you birth a new you too.

SPEAKER_03

The fuck you want me to say? You can say whatever the fuck you want to say. Happy birthday, sauna.

SPEAKER_07

Happy birthday, babe. Um I had therapy yesterday and I was telling my therapist how the thing I love about this podcast is it's not about being right. It's about genuinely just sharing how we feel about something and how healing that is to be able to like share your story and be like, this is my story, like no one can tell me it was right or wrong. Yeah. Because it was mine.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. But I I I feel like at their core they are right because they're just the truth. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I always get really sentimental when the people I love celebrate their child's first birthdays because it's such an honor to watch these people. Like, yes, they're so excited to celebrate the first year of their baby's life, but for me, I always think about wow, this is a whole year of this new you, and I always make it a point to tell these people, like, congratulate, like, you made it a whole year. And I know it's Sana's birthday, Sana, we love you, but it was your day as much as it was hers. And I love how you said that. It was birthing her, but also a new version of yourself. Maybe it's not new, maybe it's just always been in you. Yeah. You've been growing her your whole life. Yeah. Yeah. Your little bubble.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. Yeah. I know. I was like, it's my child's birthday. Should I talk more about my child? And then I was like, no. Because for that exact reason, this is my birth story, right? This is me giving birth to her. And so I I actually don't think we celebrate mothers enough on child's birthdays because there's nothing like it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, exactly. And um, I also appreciate the sensitivity that you placed on sharing your story because I know it's a it can be a tough topic for a lot of people who desperately want to experience this altering experience that you had. But I think at the core what you're saying is that sometimes when things are fucking crazy, you just find the strength within you to get through it. And I think that's something that we can all relate to. We doubt ourselves, we think, surely there's no fucking way I can until you're faced with it and it just happens. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

And then you do it and you're like, I guess it was in me all along. Mm-hmm. Shout out. Shout out. Moms, birthing children. Who else we got? Um doulas.

SPEAKER_03

We got the nurses in the break room. We got Jomar. What shirt did he pick?

SPEAKER_07

I don't give a fuck. It was my fucking day. I was actually gonna ask you, I don't know if you've ever seen photos of me giving birth.

SPEAKER_03

I think, yeah, I did. Oh, okay. Pretty sure Jomar. Because like when you were describing the bar, I remember seeing a picture of you. Oh yeah. You want to see it? Let's fucking go.

SPEAKER_07

Are you gonna put this in the IG post? What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put it and I'm gonna I'm gonna blur out everything except my face. Not and the shit on the table, or the so this is okay. So this is probably what you saw. Me. Yes, yes, yes, yeah. Very PG. Okay. Me in a bar. Sure. Um, my eyes are closed in all these photos.

SPEAKER_05

Like, I'm just like I remember some of these.

SPEAKER_07

You can see her arms are literally like she's fucking ready. She's ready to catch. Dang. Ready to catch the baby. This one has blood. How do you feel about that? Yeah, okay, go ahead. Okay. Also, I'm completely naked here, but do you want to see it?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

Okay. You can see her legs are lit, like they literally just lifted her. Oh shit. You can see her feet literally just came out of me. And they just they're putting her on me. It's like straight, straight on me. Yeah. And like, I look like I'm crying, but I'm actually I'm not. There were no tears. I was just like, oh my god, it's done. It's done. And then I said Jomar went with a white shirt. Yeah. Gotcha. I guess he did. Gotcha.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So uh we'll shout out. Shout the fuck out. Proud of you. Thanks. Three years. Three years. Just gets better and better. I do, I do think so. I really do think so too.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

Outro

SPEAKER_07

Shit. Alright. Can you connect them or not? Yeah, you gave birth to a little bubble. Okay. Changed your world. Changed my world. Yes. Birth, child, childbirth. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Bubbles and babies. Sick. That's our episode title.

SPEAKER_07

Actually, no.

SPEAKER_03

We don't do that anymore.

SPEAKER_07

We don't do that anymore.

SPEAKER_03

Because we have to be like a seal.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. That's fine though. I've I I do agree. It's probably more helpful to see at the top character here. But that would have been cute title.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

Bubbles and babies. Bubbles and babies and babies. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Cool. Well, there we go. There you have it. Did you enjoy? Did you? Did you shit on the table?

SPEAKER_01

Oof.

SPEAKER_03

That's okay. We don't judge. We're locked in.

SPEAKER_05

I literally just showed her a picture of my cooch. Like so. Post it. Post it. Yeah. Yeah. Me changing to myself.

SPEAKER_03

Post it. All right. Well, there is our show. There is our show. There's our show. You like that? Hope you enjoyed. Hope you give us all the um affirmation and engagement. All the shares, all the likes, all the comments. And uh I guess that's fucking it. I guess that's fucking it. We're gonna come back in 14 days. Just you wait. Just you wait. But until then, beer bee crying.