Cultivating Connection after Childhood Trauma: How to Make your Love Stronger than the Past with Danielle Sebastian

What if understanding childhood trauma could transform your relationship? I sit down with Danielle Sebastian, the founder of WifeCARE, who courageously shares her personal journey of supporting her spouse through childhood trauma recovery. Danielle opens up about the emotional rollercoaster in her marriage—from conflict and withdrawal to the relief of uncovering her husband's traumatic past. She candidly discusses her early misconceptions about the healing process and the indispensable role of a supportive team of professionals. 

Danielle also introduces her pioneering CARE framework, offering a roadmap for spouses navigating similar struggles. We break down Danielle's CARE framework into actionable steps: comprehending childhood trauma, accessing necessary support, self-care, and effective communication. We also explore how breaking the stigma around male abuse can pave the way for healing and growth, reminding us all that past challenges do not define our worth or potential. 

WARNING: This episode may affect those who have experienced childhood trauma or know someone affected by it.

Guest Info:

Danielle Sebastian, founder of WifeCARE, is an expert on identifying and overcoming trauma in relationships. As the bestselling author of "Resilient Wives: A Guide for Wives Supporting Their Husband Through Childhood Trauma Recovery," Danielle shares her inspiring story of resilience and hope, detailing her journey as a wife navigating the complex challenges of being the partner of a childhood trauma survivor.

With eight years of strain in her own marriage and extensive research and development in trauma, relationships, and self-care, Danielle developed her signature "CARE" framework. Now happily married for 14 years and a mother of two, Danielle has dedicated her life to helping partners reconnect and heal together. Her passion lies in empowering women to prioritize their wellness and find community as they work towards healthier marriages.

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This episode was produced by: Six-Two Studio

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Karen Sarmento is a passionate and dedicated Nurse Practitioner for more than 18 years, CEO at Sarmento Mentoring Services LLC, and a Proctor Gallagher Certified Mindset Mentor. She specializes in empowering women to tap into their true potential. She understands the unique challenges faced by women because she too has battled some major challenges in her life. Karen does not let that define her; she believes it’s the challenges that have made her the limitless woman she is today. She whole-heartedly believes we hold all the power within and that we should stand tall together in the pursuit of greatness.

Karen has served thousands over the course of her career and has spent many years studying directly with world class mentors to gain a deep understanding of the science behind human behaviour and learning about the success principals that create lasting change and transformation. She will share her insights with you so you can feel unstoppable and limitless too.

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Transcript

Karen Sarmento:

0:01

Have you ever felt that inner whisper nudging you towards something greater? We truly are a force of nature possessing our own incredible power within. We are all here to identify our own personal definition of success. We all have a story to tell. Join me as I dive into empowering concepts and have powerful conversations with extraordinary humans who have shattered limitations, overcome adversity and created remarkable success. I'm your host, Karen Sarmento, and we are meant for more. Hello and welcome back to another episode of We Are Meant For More. Today, I have the absolute honour and privilege of having Danielle Sebastian join us today. Danielle, welcome.

Danielle Sebastian:

1:06

Oh, thank you so much. It is so wonderful to be here.

Karen Sarmento:

1:07

So Danielle and I met on a platform called Women Thrive that we will both be speakers at, and when I heard Danielle speak for the first time and tell her story, I was just blown away. I think you are incredibly powerful, strong, courageous, and I really feel blessed that you're here and sharing your story with my audience.

Danielle Sebastian:

1:32

Thank you so much. I really do appreciate this opportunity to get my story told, because I think it's an important one.

Karen Sarmento:

1:39

Yes, it absolutely is. So I want to share Danielle's bio with you and I'm going to read it directly from what she provided as her bio, because I really don't want to cut anything out and I really want you to know who is here with us today. So Danielle Sebastian, founder of Wife Care, is an expert and, by the way, we'll talk extensively about what Wife Care actually is, because it's really amazing. Founder of Wife Care is an expert on identifying and overcoming trauma in relationships. As the best-selling author of Resilient Wives, a guide for wives supporting their husband through childhood trauma recovery, danielle shares her inspiring story of resilience and hope, detailing her journey as a wife navigating the complex challenges of being the partner of a childhood trauma survivor. It's really powerful.

Karen Sarmento:

2:39

So, with eight years of strain on your own marriage and extensive research and development in trauma relationships and self-care, danielle has developed her signature care framework, which we will also discuss at length. And now you are happily married for 14 years and a mother of two, dedicating your life to helping partners reconnect and heal together. I mean, really, that is just amazing. Dedicating your life to helping partners reconnect and heal together? I mean really, that is just amazing, and it's not something you hear about often I think it's probably so goes unspoken.

Danielle Sebastian:

3:15

Yes, there is a startling lack of information, resources and support for spouses who are supporting someone through trauma recovery.

Karen Sarmento:

3:26

Yes. Well then, I'll start with. What is Wife Care? Tell us about that and what you do. Yes.

Danielle Sebastian:

3:34

So essentially, my program is based on wives who are really struggling with navigating a relationship with someone with childhood trauma, and my story started, as my bio described, about nine years ago and I was in the midst of this struggling marriage. I married my dream guy on a beach in Kauai and we were still looking forward to the future I had. I had a stepdaughter that was newly brought into the family, and we had decided that we wanted to bring a child in of our own into the family, and it wasn't long after my son was born that I started noticing a lot of behaviors that I just I couldn't put my finger on. What was going on. There was a lot of conflict, a lot of withdraw, some lashing out for things that shouldn't have been that big of a deal, and finally it was just got to the point where it was like we were strangers living in the same house, just enemies, and I had to finally make a decision that I probably had had enough, that I decided that we needed to take a break, and it was only at that point where my husband was able to reveal for the first time to anyone a terrible history of childhood abuse at the hands of the church a terrible history of childhood abuse at the hands of the church. He'd never told anyone. His family did not know.

Danielle Sebastian:

5:13

This was that piece that I couldn't put my finger on that was causing quite a few of our relationship issues and I was very relieved actually at first to know that there was something that we tangible, that we could work on. But I was also very naive as to what the trauma recovery process would look like and how I, as a wife, needed to adjust my thinking and the way that I responded to things throughout the healing process to make things more successful. So that's what the wife care is. The care framework is the framework that I learned looking back at the steps I was able to take in my marriage and for myself to get through the hardest part of the trauma healing process and get where we are today.

Karen Sarmento:

6:05

Oh my gosh. So I have goosebumps and I almost get a little emotional just hearing you tell that story again and the courage and the trust your husband had, the trust in you to share that story and for the first time with somebody. What were the next steps from there for you? Here you are a young couple and your husband's just shared this with you and you said initial relief because there's something to work on. And then what?

Danielle Sebastian:

6:40

Yes, so that's a very good question. So of course we brought in a team, so we got my husband a counselor who was trained in trauma recovery, so he had that support. We also had a couple of support, a couple of therapists that we work with, and I was really trying to do a lot of this on my own and that is one of the things that, as I started to get into this healing process, I realized that this was not something that I was going to be able to do on my own. I did not have the expertise in trauma. I did not have the expertise in trauma you know, know enough about the situation and I was giving my all to his healing and letting mine go to the side.

Danielle Sebastian:

7:39

And it was only when things you know I got to my breaking point of, you know, trying to be the stoic one, trying to be the strong one, trying to be the support and kind of do it all and pick up all the pieces that I realized this wasn't serving anyone. When I was burned out, when I was exhausted, when I was stressed out, I was more reactive to the triggers that were occurring and I couldn't implement the tools that I knew I needed to as a spouse, and so I did learn early on. I needed to understand trauma to the point that I can as a spouse. I can't treat him, you know, I can't be his counselor, but I need to know more about trauma. They also needed to get the support that I needed and take care of better care of myself.

Karen Sarmento:

8:21

Right, because you were giving so much to his healing. And then eventually you're pouring from an empty cup.

Danielle Sebastian:

8:28

Yes, I didn't even know what I wanted anymore, who I was. You know, I love the Jay Shetty quote where he says you want to be on a journey with someone, not be their journey.

Karen Sarmento:

8:40

Oh my gosh, I love that. Yeah, because as the wife, it was a whole separate journey. Yes, yes, it wasn't your trauma, yet it's impacting you dramatically, exactly.

Danielle Sebastian:

8:54

And it's just something that can be very lonely and in a lot of cases, as the spouse of something like this, it's often a secret, so there's a lot of pressure to stay isolated and what I want people women to know that are in this situation and partners of this there are ways that you can get the support that you need that also meet your husband's and partner's need for privacy. It can be done. So I don't want women struggling alone and being isolated and feeling like they've, you know, used all their lifelines without the support that they need.

Karen Sarmento:

9:33

So tell us. So I'm thinking that from the audience perspective, for somebody that's in your shoes or going through what you went through and you mentioned there's such a secrecy around it. Whether it's from the perspective of feeling shameful or embarrassed or whatever's behind that, there is a secrecy around it. So how did you develop the strength or the courage to be able to tell your story and want to empower others to get through this? How did you have the strength to do that?

Danielle Sebastian:

10:10

Yeah, that's a very good question.

Danielle Sebastian:

10:12

I figured it out myself first how what I needed for support and how I could do it safely for my husband needed for support and how I could do it safely for my husband.

Danielle Sebastian:

10:26

And then, once we were able to get to that point, then I just had this epiphany one day that, because I couldn't find what I needed maybe we were in our story was what other people needed in order to be able to get through it. And I remember one day my husband had done so much work healing and had gotten to such a good place and I knew in our relationship that we made it, that we were going to make it through anything, and we were happy. And I remember just saying you know, honey, I was thinking the other day that I might want to write my story, my story of supporting you and all the things that you know we've learned along the way, and of course that took a little bit of processing for my husband to be like, oh yeah, I would love that. But he also was really interested if this could help one person or one couple with our story. That said, it would be worth it.

Karen Sarmento:

11:32

Oh my gosh, that's amazing. It reminds me so part of my story of loss leading to me going down a dark road and now coming forward and wanting to share my story. I struggle with that a little bit, having others involved. I don't want to share other people's story when I'm sharing my own, so that's amazing that you were able to work through the piece of his story as well, and people feel like they're alone, like they're the only one who's going through that, so to know that other people have gone through this and came out on the other side is just really such a gift of that out there and, believe me, I spent nine years researching, looking for that success story, for those tools that would really help, and I ended up finding tools along the way that were embedded in a lot of the trauma research.

Danielle Sebastian:

12:36

Nothing was in a really mapped up version of resources for the spouse. So I feel like my program is all about packaging those tools that are out there and in a way that is very accessible. It doesn't take long hours of research and then it's tried and true. We've tested it and it really does work. So that is what I get so excited about being able to provide.

Karen Sarmento:

13:06

Absolutely so. Tell us then. What is the CARE framework? What does that entail? What does that look like?

Danielle Sebastian:

13:13

Absolutely, I would love to. So the CARE it obviously starts with C, and so the C is comprehending childhood trauma and how it affects relationships. You really do need to start understanding the behaviors that you're seeing. That you're seeing are coping mechanisms that the childhood brain developed to survive their childhood which ultimately end up not working well in adult relationships, in fact sabotage or push people away. So if you can understand that piece as a spouse, it's a game changer. Number one there's a lot of pressure and blame put on the spouse with those triggers that occur. So some lashing out that occurs and when you can separate yourself from those trauma responses, you can really make a big difference and have more peace and calm in your relationship. That is the C understanding trauma, understanding the triggers and separating yourself from what you're experiencing.

Danielle Sebastian:

14:26

Then the A is accessing the support that you need. We've just touched on that. I want you to have a team of support, but I also want you to be able to do it in a way that both you and your partner feel comfortable with. So we do a lot of work trying to figure out okay, what is that support and how can you find something that you would both be comfortable with Someone who you would be comfortable sharing with, that your husband also feels okay with. Then the R is resilience building through self-care. So I found that I had to do something every single day, not a big spa vacation, right? That's just not feasible for these people who are in survival mode. It's about little things you can do every day that only takes five minutes, that keep you restored, that help you rest, that will keep you strong. So that's the resilience and the R. And then the E is establishing a healthier relationship with some of the tools and communication techniques that I've learned along the way.

Karen Sarmento:

15:25

This is life-changing stuff that you're talking about here. For somebody going through it as the spouse, it's unbelievable that there's nothing out there already and there isn't, because of the discomfort and maybe discussing it. And I'm just so in awe of you for pursuing this to help others, because that is just powerful work.

Danielle Sebastian:

15:52

There is, there still is, a huge stigma and secretism, especially to male abuse, male childhood abuse. There is so much pressure, pressure for these, these boys and and men, to be strong, to be strong to you know, ignore what happened to them and to not talk about it. And it is, it's really devastating because relationships are suffering significantly. That could be, that could be helped. The secret is holding the relationship back.

Karen Sarmento:

16:32

Yes, and so often what we consider our mess or our struggle and I know I'm speaking for myself but when you're in that dark place, not only you feel, you feel so alone and you feel like you're the only one, but you don't see a way out. And once you're in that place, you feel small, so you don't feel like you could possibly make a difference. Or you know, who am I to do anything special? Because I've gone through this or I did this or I feel this. And to know that when you even have gone through something like that, there's a message in that and there's such a purpose. So when you can find your way out and find a purpose in all that, it really is just amazing.

Danielle Sebastian:

17:25

I agree. There were so many times along the way where I was telling myself I didn't sign up for this, I didn't know this, I feel blindsided, I don't know if I can do this, and it's just very reassuring, when you do make it through, that you can help people with that. I believe that that happened in our relationship and we met each other for a reason because we were meant to make it through and we were meant to help others with our story.

Karen Sarmento:

18:04

So when you say to yourself, I don't know if I can do this, or I didn't sign up for this, what does somebody tell themselves at those moments? What is it that pulled you through? Where did you find the strength to keep going, to hold on, to keep fighting for the marriage?

Danielle Sebastian:

18:17

It was all about baby steps, just making small changes that ended up having big results in the long run, and so that was really what ended up getting me through is, if there was any sort of progress, I would try and really focus on that. So any type of progress. As long as I was seeing a little bit of progress with our situation, I was willing to stay and willing to push forward and continue moving. So I want people to know it doesn't have to be these grand changes that you're making in life. It's one tweak to how you respond to a trigger that can end up making huge dividends in your relationship and change those patterns for the better. It's just small, little baby steps and small progress for that huge trajectory moving forward into the future.

Karen Sarmento:

19:08

Amazing. You're very, very strong, strong. So tell us. Then you decide to write a book and you were never. You were not an author prior to that. Had you ever written anything? So what does that? What goes through your head when you say I think I'm going to write a book Because you do. You have this amazing story, a powerful message that needs to be heard, yet you've never written a book. So do you get those little voices inside that are telling you I can't write a book? Or what goes through your head when you decide to take on that task? Because that's really impressive and I would imagine people may dabble with that in their minds. Hey, I have a story, I'd like to write a book and I'll tell you, I've I've tossed that around. But then I say to myself I don't know how to write a book. So what would you say to the person? Or what? What was your? Walk us through what that looked like when you decided I'm going to write a book and I'm going to do it?

Danielle Sebastian:

20:12

Very good question. I've always loved books, so that is one thing that was in my favor is I've read voraciously for my whole life. I just never had anything that I thought was good enough to write about. And so I just hey, I finally have this thing that I think I need to write about. And so what I did is I booked this teeny tiny cabin in the woods by myself for a week and I went out there and my husband was like are you kidding me? Right now he's like well, at least take some mace with you, you know. And I just started writing. I outlined what I wanted to say and I basically wrote the entire book in that week period and then refined it and I pretty much had it out in four months. So if I had any advice to anyone, it would be if you have that inkling, just start and get something on the paper, just anything to start with, because then the momentum will move and then you'll really start seeing the next steps in your story. But it was painful.

Karen Sarmento:

21:23

Oh my gosh. So to the audience listening I hope they're hearing this because that's amazing you just made the decision and then you just started doing it.

Danielle Sebastian:

21:33

You took the steps Same thing that I was just talking about with the relationship Just take that one little step forward and that's what I did. And once you start writing, it's sort of like you want to get it all out, because it was really hard to go back and to be vulnerable and remember all those things, but also after a day and crying, I did feel very cathartic to get it out as well. So it was sort of addictive. Once I started that I really wanted to get it all, get it all out and get it out there in the open.

Karen Sarmento:

22:11

Yeah, you read my mind. Actually was going to ask if it was a healing process to put it down on paper.

Danielle Sebastian:

22:17

And I didn't process a lot of the pain. I already referred to how there was this need, at least in my case, to be the stoic one, to be the strong one, to not be vulnerable. I had a lot of friends afterwards who read the book that were like we had no idea that this was going on, and I don't take that. I don't take that as a compliment. If there's something that I could tell other women in the same story, don't let that be you. They wanted to be there for me and don't let it be you know you writing a book or telling them five years later they want to be there for you. So that is what I did learn is that it was all bundled up and buttoned down tight and it did. It also needed to come out my, my suffering and pain and all of the, the loss that occurred in that time. It felt really good to acknowledge it and have it come out.

Karen Sarmento:

23:19

Oh my gosh, I'm so happy that you did that for yourself, for the readers. Tell us about the name of the book and where people could find it.

Danielle Sebastian:

23:30

Yes, Resilient Wives Very apt, I think. A Resilient Wives a guide for wives supporting their husbands through childhood trauma recovery, and it's right on Amazon. So if you put my name, danielle Sebastian sometimes it's easier then you will see my book come out and it's available right there.

Karen Sarmento:

23:51

Thank you so much. Is there anything we're not covering that you would like the audience to hear, for somebody that may be in your partner and your spouse, that they can?

Danielle Sebastian:

24:03

handle the truth, that deep, dark secret, even though there's so much shame and worry about that coming out, is really holding, holding you back from being able to get the connection that you deserve, that you need to be happy, and so just know that your partner is ready and willing and able to handle that truth with you and support you through it. You probably went through something where you felt very alone and that you felt like you had to do it yourself. But you don't. You don't have to do it alone.

Karen Sarmento:

25:05

Thank you so much for sharing that. I am going to have all your contact information in the show notes along with you providing. Is it a PDF, that about how a traumatic past may be impacting your relationship?

Danielle Sebastian:

25:21

Yes, so this is all on my website, danielsedastiancom. But for those of you who are wanting to know more of those signs that I missed, frankly, that a lot of people in my husband's case missed along the way that could indicate that a traumatic past could be contributing to some of your relationship and intimacy issues, I highly recommend you grab this PDF. This is the signs and what you can do about it. If you're recognizing some of these signs in your partner and then share it. If you know somebody who might be in a similar situation as I was, I would love for you to share that resource with them so that they don't have to do it alone.

Karen Sarmento:

26:10

Absolutely. Thank you so much, danielle. Thank you very much for being here, thank you for sharing your message and thank you for the amazing work that you, that you provide.

Karen Sarmento:

26:25

Thank you again for giving me a platform to share my story and hopefully help others. Thank you joining us today for another episode of we Are Meant For More. Please, if there's anybody you think could benefit from this episode, to please share this with them. Remember, whatever challenges you're facing or have faced in the past, they don't define you. You are worthy, capable and destined for greatness. Let's embrace the whispers of possibility together, because together we rise and we are meant for more.

This was a 6-2 Studio production. Find us at six-two.studio for all your creative sound needs.