Fully Grown Homos Podcast

Miami Returns: Freeballing, Fantasies, And Pet Peeves

• Dave and Matt • Season 1 • Episode 70

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A Saturday night with Miami back in the studio means trouble—in the best, filthiest, most unfiltered way. We start with freeballing, sleep habits, and why bras are a love-hate relationship, then veer into the messy joy of attraction at work and that unmistakable big energy you can spot a mile away. It’s irreverent, honest, and exactly the vibe you need when curiosity outweighs decorum.

Then we throw ourselves into Pass It On, our improvised, raunchy story game where each of us continues a spicy scenario without warning. A sweaty tradie at the door, a stuck lift with a very persuasive mechanic, and a night flight that turns into a mile-high confession booth—three minds, three wildly different fantasies. You’ll hear how dominance, detail, and chaos collide, and you’ll also hear us call time when boundaries matter. Hot, silly, and consent-savvy—yes, all at once.

Things get unexpectedly useful when we break down the practical realities of double penetration. We talk angles, rhythm, staying inside, lube, stamina, and why the third round is a myth too far. No porn gloss here—just real talk from two guys who’ve actually tried it. We keep the momentum with Spit Swallow Gargle as we rank Cristiano Ronaldo, Steph Curry, Travis Kelce, and Carlos Alcaraz, then slide into a frankly outrageous Urban Dictionary tour. We draw the line at scat and harm, talk hygiene and smell checks, and laugh our way through quiffs and “dirty clouds.” Desire is personal; “nope” is healthy.

We cool down with a cathartic pet peeves sprint—loud talkers, adult vaping, tailgaters, fish in office microwaves, hair in drains—and name the legendary “ask hole,” the person who begs for advice and ignores it. It’s a perfect snapshot of our show: queer, cheeky, boundary-aware and shamelessly fun. If you love candid sex chat, laughter that gets you side-eyed in public, and friends who keep it real, you’re home.

Love what you hear? Follow the show, share it with your curious mates, and leave us a review so more listeners can find the chaos. Got a question or a kink conundrum? Email Fully Grown Homos Podcast at gmail.com or hit our socials and tell us what to tackle next.

Support the show

If you want to send us a question or would like our thoughts on a particular topic you can contact us at Fullygrownhomospodcast@gmail.com or contact us on any of our socials at Fully Grown Homos Podcast.

Tempo: 120.0

SPEAKER_01

Welcome to Fully Grown Hymos, a podcast about our adventures as fully grown hymos navigating today's world full of inquisitive friends' questions about gay life and the unexplored activities of a life lived as fully grown homos.

SPEAKER_03

We'll discuss the gay 101s, sex, sexuality, and topics we don't even know yet. As we want your input into what you want to hear, nothing is off limit, so email us on the fully grown homospodcast at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_01

Or message any of our socials, Fully Grown Homos Podcast. Hey Dave. Hey Matt. I don't know what happened with my voice. I don't know. A little bit funny, a little bit weird. You played around with the machine? No, I didn't. No, it was just my fate. My throat box. My throat hole. You've been using it too much. No, no, I haven't need to use it again soon. I know. Um, yeah. Um, so Dave, guess what? What? It's Saturday night, and guess who's here? No. Oh fame.

SPEAKER_02

Lovely lady is back. I don't give a fuck. Because I'm in Miami. Bitch. Yeah, I'm in Miami. Bitch. Because I'm in Miami. Bitch. Oh honey, I'm in Miami. Bitch.

SPEAKER_01

Hey, Miami.

SPEAKER_05

Hi guys.

SPEAKER_01

You can't give away, can you?

SPEAKER_05

Thanks for having me back again.

SPEAKER_01

You're welcome. We love it when you come over. You know you're welcome anytime. You know you're welcome in time. We're just looking at some of our stats. Your your um episodes actually are right up there.

SPEAKER_05

Are they? You're kidding.

SPEAKER_01

Even the early ones when you weren't physically here. But remember all those questions that you had? They're up there. They're up there at the very top level. They're like number two, three, or where they are. Most listened to, I think, is number three.

SPEAKER_03

I love it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, apart from the about us, which is a like a three-minute thing. Yeah. So it's really easy to consume that.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, but then yeah, you're right up there. So um people like your dirty little questions. My dirty little. We need you on board a bit more. Your dirty little whore. Um, that you are. But yeah. So today, or tonight's tonight's podcast, we're gonna do a couple of really fun things. We're gonna have a bit of free.

SPEAKER_03

We sat down and discussed what we think would be quite a good topic of conversation to have, didn't we?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but then we decided we're gonna go free ball. Yeah, we're gonna free ball a little bit. We're gonna free ball, free flap it, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Do you guys actually do you freeball?

SPEAKER_01

I do. Yeah, sometimes I love free balling.

SPEAKER_05

Really? I can't have underwear.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, so the people cannot wear.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, like you know, like I can't sleep naked.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I can't. Oh, yeah, I can't.

SPEAKER_05

I have to sleep naked. I have to have like is that just a feel of it all in your body or I think so. I have to have like a sports bra.

SPEAKER_01

Or are you afraid that Hubby's gonna try and get in on you?

SPEAKER_05

No, so that doesn't matter. Like Aaron's very caveman, so like it doesn't matter. He's just gonna bang me over the head and drop it. I think if I had you know what I mean? I do. He's like he's that caveman I can see in his mouth.

SPEAKER_03

But the thing is, I I think if I had if I had breasts like you got, which are amazing, thank you, right? I think I would feel uncomfortable with them just being out of the room. I've never been able to. He would just be very uncomfortable, wouldn't it? Yeah, it'd just fall everywhere.

SPEAKER_05

Like when I take my bra off at the end of the day, I have to put it on the brain. But do you feel released bra? Taking the bra off? Yeah, like a wire, and then I'll just put like a sports brass for the crack.

SPEAKER_01

For listeners at home, right? What what what's your measures? What's your measurements? Because they are big titties. Yeah, I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? You must buy a bra.

SPEAKER_03

You've got to be at least a H. You'd have to G H G G.

SPEAKER_01

G H Jesus Christ. Oh, you've definitely got a J sety. Yeah, G, yeah. G, yeah, G, they're they're a good set of titties. Absolutely, yeah. And she knows how to use them too. She commands a sense of it. It's all natural as well. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But even when because I've known you for a while now. Oh just a few. For a while now, yeah. And and regardless of what stage your weight's been, yeah, as well, because you go up and down, right? Titties. We've always had big titties, right? And that's like some of our friends, like I know, or some of our work colleagues, sort of thing, that that we've known together. Um, but some of them absolutely love, and they basically used to beg me, can you get her to send me titties? Can you get her to send me titties? Yes, you know the one. You know the titties. I know the one. You know the one, Chris. I'm talking to you. Um, yeah, mate.

SPEAKER_05

He's blocked me.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, has he? No, he hasn't. His wife has. His wife's blocked me. His wife has blocked you, no doubt. She's probably seen his text to you and went, I need to block that bitch. I need to block that whore.

SPEAKER_05

Who is this girl on his face?

SPEAKER_01

Who's this girl with better tits and a better face and a better everything than me? Because she was That's mean. He settled. But he wasn't big anyway. He only had a small dick.

SPEAKER_05

Did you see her?

SPEAKER_01

No, I could tell.

SPEAKER_05

Oh I can tell.

SPEAKER_01

You know me, I've seen a few. He's got small dick energy.

SPEAKER_05

You reckon? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

He could be a grower.

SPEAKER_05

Who do you reckon that we worked with had big dick energy?

SPEAKER_01

Peter Cannon.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Oh shit, sorry. I reckon he had a huge cock. I reckon.

SPEAKER_05

But we already know that because we know someone. Even before that, I got like I we obviously. Well we know that. We know let's not Benjamin.

SPEAKER_01

They don't listen.

SPEAKER_05

We know someone who copped it hard.

SPEAKER_01

Like not May, she did.

SPEAKER_05

No, she sucked his stick a few times. And she said he was like well quite well endowed.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but I reckon he's got huge dick energy.

SPEAKER_05

You reckon? Yeah. Yeah. Do you reckon that's why he was just like trying to throw it around everywhere? Yeah, trying to get to everyone. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I can only take your word because I don't know who you're talking about.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, correct. Who in our circle do you reckon has got big dick energy? Um I reckon John has. Which one? I think John and Laura. John the Italian Italian.

SPEAKER_03

Oh yeah, he's got big dick energy.

SPEAKER_01

I don't know if it's a big one. Oh yeah. Yeah. He's yeah, um, but he's very handsome. He's a different handsome. He's a very handsome. I think he's got big dick energy. Um, definitely. Definitely. Yeah. Um I'm just trying to think who wants to be good. Well, you you reckon that um Adam's got a big dick too. You said that.

SPEAKER_03

I I reckon he has to. Claire will just tell you.

SPEAKER_01

No, she wouldn't tell me that.

SPEAKER_03

Why? It's personal. She's not gonna get it.

SPEAKER_01

No, yeah, I don't think.

SPEAKER_03

Really?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I know you've said Aaron's okay. What's wrong with I know you said Aaron's alright? What's because you don't go for you've got standards.

SPEAKER_05

What's what's wrong with me then? I'll just tell you that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, girls, share me all your husband's dick pics, okay? Yeah, just anonymously showing.

SPEAKER_05

I'm having a hard time measuring things, like just in general.

SPEAKER_01

If it fits down the back of your throat.

SPEAKER_05

No, but like, no, this is listen. This is what I'm talking about. Like, we're talking about house renovations and we're talking about like even anything when Aaron's trying to explain something to me. I'm like, but how big is it? And Aaron's like works for an engineering company. Yeah. So he talks in like millimeters, and oh, it's about 50 mil, it's about this. I'm fucking not 50 mil is. Can you just tell me in dick size? So we've got this new thing at the moment where he tells me in like it's about half my dick, or it's about quarter of my dick, or it's my full dick. That's how we measure things now because I just have no concept of measurement. So I'm like, so how big is it in like dick size? Like half the dick, quarter of the dick, like.

SPEAKER_01

So your laptop screen, your laptop screen, is that what's what size are we looking at with that, uh Aaron? Like from corner to corner. Is that lagging? Well, just bring his photo up on the screen.

SPEAKER_03

What about the coke?

SPEAKER_01

And I'll tell you.

SPEAKER_03

What about that?

SPEAKER_01

Coke can.

SPEAKER_03

He's bigger than that. I think Gers.

SPEAKER_01

Not Gird. No, no, not GERS.

SPEAKER_05

He's like, yeah, no, he's like normal GERS.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Like about just above normal Gertz. Okay.

SPEAKER_01

So about microphone, not my microphone, because mine's quite short and stubby. I reckon I reckon he'd be probably about eight, nine. I reckon it'd be about uh eight inch.

SPEAKER_05

Alright. Can you guys calm down? Is it ready to jump over the table just thinking about my husband's penis?

SPEAKER_01

When little do you know when when he comes to pick you up or when we drop you off? Um, I'm gonna be swapping you out for him.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_01

Tell me about it. I know. So we're gonna do a few things. We're gonna talk chit-chat, bullshit chit-chat. Um, then we're gonna do something called Pass It On, which is gonna be a bit of fun. This is gonna be fun. This is gonna be fun. It's a bit of well, we think it's gonna be fun. But then the last time we tried something that I thought was gonna be fun, it's sort of miserably.

SPEAKER_03

And I think the last bit we're trying to do is maybe how far would you go? Yeah, yeah. So we'll we'll leave that. Yeah, we'll we'll wait until the end. That will all become a you know, become apparent when we actually start talking about it.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, we can do a spit swallow and goggle.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, and we'll do with pet peeves. Yeah, fuck, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Hey, what? Yeah, didn't um uh Mr. Matthew tell you that we ran into that person together, the person that I used to sleep with back in the day. Oh then is straight, but trying to that was sending pictures?

SPEAKER_01

He was sending me dick pics and I screenshotted one once, right? Um and so work colleague? Yeah, somebody we worked with, not worked with not worked with, but he's married, yes, very much so with children.

SPEAKER_05

I used to bang bang him. Okay, yeah, before he was married, and then Matt wanted my second and then he was. So Matt was like trying to tap in.

SPEAKER_01

He flirts with me hard.

SPEAKER_05

And I was like, Matt, if you want to know what my pussy tastes like, just ask me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So has he banged on to you now, is he? No, no, he he flirts hard with me and has been doing for quite some time. Is he still in your working environment? Yeah, yeah, same company.

SPEAKER_05

Right now, same company, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, yeah. Yeah, but different. Different, yeah, different, different division, all that kind of stuff. Okay, but I think every time there was a time then when I was single, right, and I'd seen him out a couple of times, and I went, well, let's do this then. And he gets so scared and nervous. So he's all talk. But you want to watch it. I reckon if he'd had a couple of drinks and he could use that as an excuse, he'd we got a couple of people that we know would do that anyway. Yeah, 100%, 100%. I think most guys would if they had the opportunity and they weren't getting it. Yeah, correct.

SPEAKER_05

But Matt said he sent him dick pictures.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, he sent me dick pics, he sent me dick pics. Oh wow. Um, and I screenshot it on Snapchat. And he's gonna delete it. He said, Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, right? He said, Don't do that, don't keep that man, right? And so I deleted him.

SPEAKER_03

Why did you send you dick pics?

SPEAKER_01

Because he was trying to taunt, right? Okay, you sent him dick pics of you? Probably. Did you? Probably. I didn't give a fuck. Everyone's seen my coffee.

SPEAKER_05

Listen to this. Look at him trying to get into my seconds, Dave. What a filthy do that.

SPEAKER_01

To be fair, right? You've had quite a few, so chances are I've already had a couple of your seconds. Okay, I'm gonna ask you a question.

SPEAKER_03

Out of all the people that Nicole's had, what would who would be the most person you would want to go with? White shoes. Tim. No, no names.

SPEAKER_01

Oh.

SPEAKER_03

Would you?

SPEAKER_01

I'd do Tim, yeah. He was a big blondie. You do Tim. But I like blondies. 100%. Yeah, I'd definitely give him one. Um don't waste. Who's white shoes?

SPEAKER_05

PJ's.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, fuck yeah. There was a guy, and he bought me a drink just so I didn't get into her pants. Right. Right. And but he was smoking hot. Yeah, I don't know what nationality was like a ski, something ski.

SPEAKER_05

No, no, he was like uh South American of some sort. Maybe like Brazilian or something like that. South American, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

He was he was hot and he was so hot. I guarantee you he'll have a fucking big girthy, yeah. It was ridiculous. Yeah, they are.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, she had to fucking South American bugs. I like that. He fucking sucked his cock like crazy in the car.

SPEAKER_05

Um how do you know that?

SPEAKER_01

You told me you dickhead. We don't have secrets, you know that. Um but yeah, he bought me a cocktail? He bought me a drink, guava cruiser. A guava cruiser, because that's the kind of man I am, right? He bought me a guava cruiser just so I could get her into her fucking pants. Well, obviously worked. It did.

SPEAKER_05

And he drove a really nice Audi.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So was he local or was he?

SPEAKER_05

I don't know. I gave him a dodgy phone number.

SPEAKER_01

She wasn't interested in his name. How long ago was this? Oh, I don't remember his name. She was single.

SPEAKER_05

That's why I called him Matcher.

SPEAKER_01

I can't remember his name. Pre-fucking children single and all that kind of stuff, obviously. Um she's not a player like that. Um, she'd love to be a whore, but she's got too much fucking dedication.

SPEAKER_05

Too many morals, too many morals.

SPEAKER_01

That's anyway.

SPEAKER_03

I think we should.

SPEAKER_05

Sorry, sorry, we got sidetracked thinking about it.

SPEAKER_01

Only because we know that we've got limited time. Yeah, we've got limited time. So, so are we gonna play spin the wheel?

SPEAKER_05

Oh, we're not doing pet peeves. No, we know we do that at the end. Oh, sorry, I think. You leave people angry.

SPEAKER_01

You leave people angry. So we're gonna play pass it on, yep. Alright, so for our listeners, for our listeners, how pass it on is gonna work is I'm actually gonna throw out like a one-line scenario to Miami, and then she's gonna then and then they she's gonna create a fictional story of exactly what this sexy situation happened, right? And then she's gonna go so far. She's gonna go so far, then she's gonna say pass it on. Then Dave's gonna create the next part of that story, and he's gonna say pass it on, and I'm gonna create the next part, and we're gonna keep it as sexy and as raunchy as we can.

SPEAKER_05

But what it finishes, yeah, but it's gonna be ridiculous because can I just say that all three of us have very different versions? Exactly. This is my point.

SPEAKER_01

This is what's gonna be really sexy, right? So, right, we're gonna start this and we're gonna see how far we can take it, right? And then whoever thinks that it's just getting stupid, they're gonna say, and then he came, all right? And then maybe the next person can say all over my face or something like that.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, we could. What are they called? Those erotic book erotic fiction? No, there's a name for it. The female name for it. Erotica? No, it's like no, let's just move on.

SPEAKER_01

Fucking wanks books.

SPEAKER_05

But I think I want to read some.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. Do that for us and then come back. Maybe you can come on. I can record you reading them. Or just come full stop. Yeah, some of the things some of the hottest parts of them. Hottest parts of them, yeah. Yeah, okay. Alright, so you ready for your first scenario? This is gonna be interesting. Alright. The trade who arrived early and sweaty.

SPEAKER_05

Came to Mrs. McGregor's door and knocked. Mrs. McGregor opened the door in nothing but her nightgown. Shocked he was early. She said, Can you give me a second? He said, Ma'am, I don't have a second. Pass it on.

SPEAKER_03

So Mrs. McGregor said, I can't have a minute because I don't have a second, she said. But she said, I know someone that has. So she calls upstairs and her mother was upstairs. So Mrs. McGregor's mother came running downstairs. Trade stood there, great looking guy, white teeth, short top on, I suppose, with a big bulge in his pants. She goes, Hi. He goes, Hi, you must be Mrs. McGregor's mother. She goes, Yes, I am. How can I help you? He said, Well, I got a plumbing job, I need to come inside. She goes, Okay, follow me. So he comes into the house, takes the left turn to the front to the door, as I say, follows her up down the alleyway, and then she says, The job's in here. So he goes in and she slams the door shut, and then I'm gonna pass it on to you.

SPEAKER_01

Well, little benefits to him, but she says the problem's right there in the bathroom. So he gets underneath the sink on his back. Now, as he's laying on his back, his little shorts, right, are sort of got a bit of looseness around the legs. So she, Mrs. McGregor's mother, is actually standing back and she can see straight up the leg of his spinky pants, right? Now, as I said at the beginning, he was sweaty. So he's got his sweat driplets just around his ball sack, so you can see his undies are sweaty through the leg of his pants. But part of his balls are actually falling out the side of his shorts, right? And because he's stretching up under the sink, part of his little navel is actually just that little hairy part, the part that you like to look at, that's all exposed as well. And he's got a glistening, glistening chest and um what's that lower abdomen with those nice V's cut in and right? And she's looking and she's seeing the bulge in his pants, plus seeing up the side of his pants with just a little bit of nut cleavage, and so she starts to actually get a little bit horny, and the dressing gown that she's wearing, the nipples start to show, and she sort of brushes her hand over them, and she starts to actually she made a bit of noise, like a oh, and I'll pass it on.

SPEAKER_05

Once he heard the noise, he looked up and thought, Oh, what the fuck, what's that? He sees Mrs. McGregor's mum standing there rubbing her nipples. And he's like, Oh I'm I'm sorry, ma'am, but like, is it can I help in any way? Mrs. McGregor's mum walks into the bedroom because this isn't on the suite. She walks into the bedroom, she takes a robe off, she lies down on the bed and opens her legs and goes, I've got some more pipes you need to fix. He was shocked. He said, Ma'am, this isn't the sort of job I signed up for. She said, Shut the fuck up and fuck me. He came in. So he came in and he's like, alright, I guess like if this is part of the job, then I've got I've got to do what I've got to do. All of a sudden, Mrs. McGregor's daughter opened the door, sees her mum flat out on the bed with her legs open, and the plumber there, standing there taking his shirt off, getting ready to fix some life. Over to you, Dave.

SPEAKER_03

Well, the daughter looks at her mother, and all she can see here's her mother's bush, and she hasn't shaved properly, and she screams, and the plumber turns around and he's like startled. And he says, What's the matter? Mrs. McGrath goes, Mother, I remember that day when you show me your vagina. I remember I couldn't take it anymore. And I had when I had that, you know, that experience of seeing dad fucking you, and all I could see was your hairy pussy looking at me. And I'm having bad memories coming back. So the plumber said, Well, why would you have these bad memories? And she said, Well, my mother always told me that, you know, having a hairy pussy meant that it meant that you're not as rigid as you should be at your age. So the mother looks at the girl and says, She says, Why would you say that? To this plumber. And the plumber said, Yeah, why would you say that to me? I said on.

SPEAKER_01

And then he came.

SPEAKER_02

He was keeping it sexy and you fucking turned it.

SPEAKER_01

It's not supposed to turn into a fucking mum caught fucking daughter court mum and fucking counselling sessions and needed all around.

SPEAKER_05

I was leaving it open for you to like I just he could have turned around and said, shut the fuck up and stay at the door. Wait your turn, bitch.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. It's what it shouldn't think. So many scenarios could have happened.

SPEAKER_03

There were really sexy mop looking at me. And then I got confused.

SPEAKER_01

I know you did. I know you did. Alright, round one. And thank God he came.

SPEAKER_05

Um I feel like I feel like you need to put Dave on a limit.

SPEAKER_01

How many sentences is allowed to say? Guess what? People have been trying out for years, buddy. Dave doesn't limit his words.

SPEAKER_05

The best part of that was Matt's face. I was watching Matt's face.

SPEAKER_01

Thank God we only do audio, is all I can say.

SPEAKER_05

Because you can't hide it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Alright, let's let's try to make this one a little bit punchier.

SPEAKER_01

A bit sexier and punchier.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Alright. You are you going? Are you giving me the scenario? I'm giving you another scenario. Don't you have scenario? I'm gonna give Dave a scenario.

SPEAKER_05

Oh fuck. You said this up for failure here. Yeah, but I'm gonna get the story going. Yeah, all right.

SPEAKER_01

Here we go, Dave. Stuck in the elevator. You were you Pardon? You were stuck. Dave? Yeah, yeah. You were stuck in the elevator.

SPEAKER_03

What does that mean about me?

SPEAKER_01

With a stranger.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Go. Tell us your story, Dave.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. I came home from the gym one day.

SPEAKER_02

And what's wrong with that?

SPEAKER_01

You're at the gym out there. Sorry.

SPEAKER_02

You fucking wow.

SPEAKER_01

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Reset. Go. Go. Alright. Go. Go. You were stuck in the elevator with the straight.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I just literally come out, came back from the gym.

unknown

Just gym off.

SPEAKER_03

You're telling me to make this story, you gunt.

SPEAKER_05

Alright, go. Come on, Dave. Came home from the gym.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Like I went into the elevator and I got in the elevator, and there's there was a guy in the elevator. And he basically sort of like looked me up and down and just say, you know, who the fuck are you? And I'm like, okay. Um, I just said, you know, small talk, and I started saying to him, you know, where you're from and everything else. He goes, Well, I live in the apartment upstairs. And I said, Okay. So how long have you been here? And he said, Okay. I've been here probably about three months, I suppose.

SPEAKER_05

He said, I thought he said punchy.

SPEAKER_02

My thought is punchy now again.

SPEAKER_01

By the way, my name's Dave, and I do a podcast.

SPEAKER_02

Oh Miami.

SPEAKER_01

Can you start us off?

SPEAKER_05

Alright, let's go.

SPEAKER_01

We'll go back this way this time, alright? I'm just sorry.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, we love you, Dave.

SPEAKER_03

The thing is, you're not giving me much of a story to start with. That's the problem. I know, but I need a little bit more of an introduction, that's all.

SPEAKER_05

All of a sudden, the the lift doors open and the sexy mechanic comes in. Here to save the day. Dave looks up at him and thinks says, Thank you so much, sir. I'm scared, I'm scared of like I'm claustrophobic. The sexy mechanic comes in and says, That's alright. I've got a way you can pay me back. Over to you, Matt.

SPEAKER_01

Well, the mechanic then drops his wrench on the ground, says, Pick that up. Englishman. And so Dave bends over, picks up the wrench to hand it to him. And he says, Where would you like this? Where would you like me to do with this wrench? And he said, Don't know about the wrench, but you can hold that because I don't want you to touch me. And then he unzipped his fly. And he pulled out this big fat cock. And these heavy balls, right? And they just thuddered. And he said, and Dave looked over at him and said, What do you want me to do with that? I'm straight. And he said, put it in your mouth. You owe me. I go to Miami.

SPEAKER_05

And then Dave said, hang on a second, I don't know what to do with this. And he threw his jumper. The mechanic took off his shirt and he threw his shirt on the ground. And he said, Get on the knees, bitch. You know what to do with this. So Dave thought, okay. Do what I gotta do. So Dave dropped to his knees. And just as he dropped to his knees, the hotel manager came in. She walked in and she said, What's going on here? I just sent you to fix a lift. Mind you, Dave's got a dick in his mouth. And the hot mechanic's standing there and he said, Mind you business, bitch. Next thing you know, she says, Hang on a second. If this is what's happening, let me join in. Over to you, Matt.

SPEAKER_01

So then the mechanic turned her and said, This is the boys only world. You can stand there and watch. This guy's already doing a good job. So then what she did is she actually said, Can I video it then at least? So she basically stood back a step, as instructed by the mechanic, took out her phone, started videoing it, and Dave was going to town, and the mechanic said, If you keep going this way, boy, you're gonna get a mouthful of my salty surprise. So Dave then reached under his sack, grasped his balls in his hand, and kept going down and down and down and down. And the guy had a package, a package, and he was taking all of it. At that, the hotel manager started moaning, and they looked across at her. Dave side-eyed her because he had a mouthful of cock, obviously. Right. But the mechanic looked over and she was wet, dripping down her thighs. Over to you, Miami.

SPEAKER_05

They both looked at her and she looked at them. She had had enough and she thought, fuck this shit. Next thing you know, she pulled out of her bag a strap-on dildo. She said, I'm gonna fuck you better than any man ever has before. She puts on the strap-on and she walks over. Dave's on his knees, the mechanic's there with his cock in Dave's mouth. She stands next to the mechanic and she grabs the back of Dave's head and she says, Come and choke on this plastic like a little sea turtle. The mechanic and her take turns, shoving their dicks or fake dicks down Dave's mouth. Dave's gagging for it. At this point, he thought, Oh fuck it, I've had women before, I've had men before. This is fantastic. Over to you, Matt.

SPEAKER_01

And all of a sudden the mechanic came.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, Dave. The hard thing I found about that was because it was about me. And I couldn't I can't talk about me like that. So that's why I couldn't start the conversation because it felt weird when you introduced me as a as the name. Yeah, I know. But it was anyway.

SPEAKER_05

I'm gonna say we just have very different um fantasy lives.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Fantasy lives.

SPEAKER_01

Like the movies in our mind are definitely different.

SPEAKER_05

They are. Mine are more like fuck you, take this.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you're very dominant.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yours are very like into the detail of like the central.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I I want to know every step.

SPEAKER_05

Dave's a very um it's conversational. Theory based. So just chatting about this.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

I want to give a bit more of an in you know environmental thing about it.

SPEAKER_05

Environmental.

SPEAKER_03

Anyway. Right, this is for you, Nicole, to start with, okay? What am I in- what is this for? So the scenario is you're on an airplane, and then you're on an aeroplane.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Keep going.

SPEAKER_03

Yep. So you're on an airplane, and basically there's a man on either side of you. So you're in the middle.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Now the man to the side of the window, he's got a rug over his like legs. So like a blanket.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And he keeps on lifting up, and as he's lifting up, you can see he's got his cock out. What happens next?

SPEAKER_05

I look at the guy on the other side of me, and he's asleep. I look at back at the guy who keeps flashing me, his big juicy penis. He winks at me. I look up, where's the flight attendants? They're not around, they're busy. It's a night flight. So I go, this might as well. I start jerking him off. All of a sudden the guy on the other side wakes up. He looks at me like, what's going on? I get scared. I think he's gonna tell the flight attendant. So I grab his leg. He jumps. Oh, she's touching me. I feel his cock get hard. So I start to rub it. Next thing you know, I've got a cock in each hand. Over to you, Matt.

SPEAKER_01

And then you start singing row, row, row the boat. No, you um you're slowly but surely jerking each of these guys off in the same rhythm, strangely enough.

SPEAKER_05

I've got great rhythms.

SPEAKER_01

And and they are both sort of heaving a little bit, and you can actually tell they're getting closer and closer, and closer and closer, and because it is a night flight, and there's no one else around, they're trying to make no noises at all. But then all of a sudden, the one closest to the window seat reaches out his right hand and puts it on in your inner thigh, and he slides up and he inserts a finger in, and um then sort of feels that it's moist and warm, and he looks over at the other guy, and basically he does a very similar thing, but softly and centrally does it, and he can feel that you're wet as well. So they're almost like touching fingers and connecting with each other whilst connecting with you inside you, and then pass it over today.

SPEAKER_03

So, as this continues, you're getting more and more wet, and you can feel yourself getting to the point where the actual lubrication from your own vaginal juices is dripping down your legs. So as you're doing this, your rhythm is getting faster and faster and faster. And these two guys are starting to get really close to ejaculating. So, what you tend to do is you grab the other guy's hand and then put it on his cock, then he started jacking the other guy off, and then before you knew it, he was leaning over to you, he had his face in your vagina, and then he starts going down on you while you're wanking him off, and he's wanking the other guy off at the same time. So, as this is happening, the the the emergency seatbelt light comes on. You have to sort of act really quickly. So I'm gonna pass it back on to you now.

SPEAKER_05

So I wasn't uh letting this opportunity get away from me. The emergency seatbelt light goes on. I say, fuck this shit. He goes to pull his head back up. I grab his head, I thrust into it, and don't let him out. If he suffocates, he suffocates. And then I blew the end.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, that sounds like it could actually happen. Um, just quietly.

SPEAKER_05

Did that happen? That's not.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I'm just thinking that sounds like a story you told us earlier. Um no. I thought you were gonna strap his seatbelt over his head.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I so he couldn't move. Oh you've got to cover the blanket over his head so when the flight attendants walked round, you said nothing here.

SPEAKER_01

I was gonna get them to hold hands inside you, but I thought that would be a bit too big.

SPEAKER_05

A question. Have you guys ever done double penetration?

SPEAKER_01

We have.

SPEAKER_05

We have. Like in your asshole, though. Not in your asshole. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01

No, we haven't taken two. We have taken your We put both our cocks inside somebody, yeah. Two? Yeah. This one Latin America. Oh, some hot. He was hot. He was way out of our league. Probably about 32. Yeah, 2830s, right?

SPEAKER_05

Did he have a rosebud?

SPEAKER_01

No, no, no. He had a nice axe. Very excited. But he was Did he ask for it? Yeah, he did. He it was at church, right? And he was again, he was definitely out of our league.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Right. So we thought, right. Um, but then he spied us and he's looked at us and seen that we were making out in the rooms together and doing all different kinds of stuff, and so he's kind of grabbed and said, Do you guys want to play? And we went, Yeah, okay, cool. So we went into this room together, and um we were all sucking and doing all that kind of stuff and fucking and that. And he said, I want you both inside me. And me and Dave looked at him and was like, Fucking, where do you think we're from, Cirque du Soleil? Um, because seriously, that's not something that's easily done. It's not easily done, and it takes practice, and we ain't had any practice at this stage, right? Um, so then like we we we did it, but I ended up laying, we tried in a few different positions and stuff like that, but I ended up laying on the bed. The guy was sitting on me backwards, so I was facing the wall. I was laying on on the when I say the bed, like the big mattress, big mattress type bed things, but I had my legs up against the wall, right? So he was pushing against the wall, like there was a wall there, right? Sort of basically my legs were pressed hard on the wall.

SPEAKER_03

And I was I was stood between his legs.

SPEAKER_01

Between my legs. The guy was sitting on my cock with his back towards me, towards like so facing me.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Following like riding my cock. Matt was literally on the edge of the bed where he where the guy was. So he was literally riding Matt.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And as he was doing that, I was able to put my cock inside him as well. Yeah, that's hard. Did it? Oh yeah. It was very difficult to do.

SPEAKER_01

It was tricky.

SPEAKER_05

Did it hurt?

SPEAKER_03

No, it didn't hurt. Didn't hurt actually. It would have hurt.

SPEAKER_01

Because the cocks were rubbing on each other as well as penetrating as well. But yeah, it's just it's just getting the right rhythm as well because it's so easy to find.

SPEAKER_05

Did you just have to go into sync?

SPEAKER_03

You have to kind of because otherwise you force the other guy's cock out. Yeah, yeah, it was.

SPEAKER_01

It was tricky. It was a tricky scenario.

SPEAKER_05

And we make it look too easy to blow both of you blowing his ass.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, no, no chance in hell. Yeah, because you can't keep it. It's impossible to keep it up that long. Yeah, it's it's just very difficult.

SPEAKER_03

You're focusing so hard and trying to stay inside.

SPEAKER_01

It was also, I think that was what I'm hearing right. It was also I know we didn't try hard enough. You're fucking good as it was also my third attempt for the day, my third my third my third load for the day, right? As well. So I wasn't gonna bounce to fucking come a third load with something that like I got.

SPEAKER_03

But he was also bounced up and down, so he was like, because I was stood up, and it's very difficult when you stood up and he's sitting on Matt. So I'm at an angle and it's push like forcing me out all the time, you know what I mean? So you know, the only way we could do it was for him to stay still, and then me to fucking push, then Matt to fucking push as well.

SPEAKER_05

You guys are animals, and there we are.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it was fun, it was definitely fun, and it was something.

SPEAKER_03

It was interesting because we we had never ever thought we'd do it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's not something that was on my list. And we had to improvise, so it was pretty cool.

SPEAKER_05

How long ago was this?

SPEAKER_01

About two years ago, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

So it's a while ago.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we came home and like both of us sitting there looking at like fucking had a double penetrate, like and we sat down and went, Oh, we should have tried that. But he was basically on the floor with his ass up, and we both went in from that angle.

SPEAKER_03

We've tried we tried a whole heap of we did, and I think we did we did it twice in different positions. Oh no, no, I don't know. I think he had.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, he'd had, he would have done it before, yeah. 100%, yeah. Not with us, yeah. Not with us, but yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

That's interesting.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, have you done it before?

SPEAKER_05

No, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, no, never in the one hole. How far how far would you go? Would you do it? No, obviously, not now.

SPEAKER_05

I'm married, but no, I don't think so. I just don't think it'll do it.

SPEAKER_03

Is there missed opportunities you've ever had that you wish you hadn't ever sort of like regret not doing? You know, you in a scenario where you've been somewhere and there's an opportunity for you to have that specific, you know, that sexual act going on and you said no, no, no, and then come back and think, I fucking wish I had. She's done all of them.

SPEAKER_05

No, no, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, alright.

SPEAKER_05

I just don't think uh like I just don't think it would double penetration would uh not for me. No, okay.

SPEAKER_01

Alright, so we're gonna play this game. Yep.

SPEAKER_02

Spit swallow gargle, choice is yours. The fully grown homeboys are dirty little whores.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's time to play spit swallow gargle, and as Miami likes to do is add in the smear as well. Now, how this works is we have a list of four sports people, four spots, four very hot sportsmen. Um, and we're playing Who Would You Spit, Who Would You Swallow, Who Would You Gargle, and Who Would You Smear. Now we have varying degrees of who thinks what is better. I think gargling is the ace of the ace. Um, and Miami thinks smearing is the best. They think swallowing is the best. But we're just gonna go through and we're gonna tell our people and then we're gonna work out who's gonna do what. So and and why we choose that. So um we've got, let me tell you who our people are first. Um we've got uh Christian Ronaldo, who's that soccer player. Yes, okay, yeah. I don't care what he does because he's fucking amazing. Like look at that body. I always don't know why, but I thought, and he's apparently got the more Instagram followers than anyone at all. And I can see why.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I'd be fucking loaded with that too. I wouldn't mind being loaded at all with that. Um, and then you've got Stephen Curry, who again, he's a basketball player?

SPEAKER_05

He is a very famous basketball player.

SPEAKER_01

And he's quite a fine specimen. He is quite a fine specimen, yeah. Then you've got um Mr. Swift, Mr. Travis Kelsey. Yes. Um, and he's again, he's a good-looking fella. Um, a big, tall, good-looking, strapping guy.

SPEAKER_05

Reminds me of my husband a little bit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, a little bit, yeah. I see that. Yeah. But I I think he'd have a a nice cock as well, because I think from Tay Tay's a bit of a NRL, isn't he?

SPEAKER_03

He's NRL.

SPEAKER_01

No. AFL. Oh, yeah. NF and NFL. NFL, sorry. Yeah, but I think Taylor Tay Tay's a bit of a whore, so I think she'd need a decent size to fill that coid. Um she's had some big boys before, like John Mayer and all that kind of stuff, hasn't she?

SPEAKER_04

I think so.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Um, and then what's his name? Corey no Alcatraz, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, Carlos?

SPEAKER_01

Carlos Alcatraz. He's um the number one seed tennis player at the moment. Yep. And he's very handsome. He's Spanish, that's why. Or he's Latin American Spanish. Yeah, he'd be a bit girthy as well. Very girthy, yeah. So what are we gonna choose? Let's go to Dave first. What are you gonna do? Who are you gonna spit? Who are you gonna swallow? Who are you gonna gargle, Dave?

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Um, because they're all very good looking. They're all very good looking.

SPEAKER_01

We've got an ugly one there, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

What am I doing first, sorry?

SPEAKER_01

Spit, swallow, gargle. Or smear. Spit. You tell me. I think I would do it with Christian Ronaldo. What are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_03

I think I would probably sp smear Cristiano Ronaldo.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you smear him. Yep.

SPEAKER_03

I would probably sp a bit. What's the second one?

SPEAKER_01

Stephen Curry?

SPEAKER_03

Stephen Curry, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would definitely gargle Cory? Carlos. Carlos.

SPEAKER_04

Carlos?

SPEAKER_00

Yep, yep. And I'll swallow Travis. And you swallow Travis. Swallow Travis. Alright, Miami, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_05

Okay, well, I am um for me, spit is like the worst. So that tennis boy.

SPEAKER_00

The tennis alcohol.

SPEAKER_05

I'm gonna spit the tennis boy.

SPEAKER_00

Yep.

SPEAKER_05

I'll probably this is tricky. I'll probably swallow Travis Kelsey.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, but that one.

SPEAKER_05

I would say I would gargle Stephen Curry.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And I would smear Cristiano Ronaldo.

SPEAKER_00

I thought you'd say that. I thought you'd say that.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. But if I had a choice, I could probably gargle and smear and everything them both at the same time. Stephen Curry and Christianity Renato.

SPEAKER_01

They have fucking bucke party all over me with all four of them. You know what Bukaki is, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

No.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, it's when they all stand around and jerk off all over you and basically.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, I didn't know what it was. I've seen that on porn.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, Japanese thing. Japanese thing. So pretty much. Oh, is it a Japanese thing? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Why is it a Japanese thing though?

SPEAKER_01

I don't know, because that's where the word comes from. They make everything comes. That's where the word comes from, because they're kinky fuckers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're really kinky.

SPEAKER_05

So are Indians.

SPEAKER_01

Well, um, excuse me. It's just because of my ex, it's not because I'm racist. No, I know. There are some very hot ones out there.

SPEAKER_05

Exactly. That's why I'm saying that to you. Because I'm like, why are you saying that?

SPEAKER_01

You know why. Um, so I would I would swallow Carlos Alcatraz.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Right, definitely. Um, and then I would probably spit Travis Kelsey, I think. I think. Um, and then I would oh no, I'd spit Stephen Curry, right? Because I thought he was a comedian until today.

SPEAKER_05

Oh my god, what is wrong with you?

SPEAKER_01

Is that Aussie comedian? I'm sure that's his name.

SPEAKER_05

No, he's not. Stephen Curry is not an Aussie comedian.

SPEAKER_01

Google after this, right? I think you'll find it. But the one I'm looking at now, I definitely think he's hotter, obviously.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And then I would I would gargle Christian Ronaldo because obviously he's fucking that specimen. I think he tastes super awesome as well. I think I'll go all four.

SPEAKER_05

I feel like he'll just like I look at him and I go, I just feel like he'll taste like gold.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

I I want to go my tongue.

SPEAKER_05

Don't you reckon?

SPEAKER_01

Like you just like cock in his mouth and that money will come up with his eyes. My tongue over every single inch of that fucking body. Uh yeah. And then like everyone.

SPEAKER_03

He's gonna be the first trillionaire um sports person. Sports person, isn't he? Is he? Yeah, yeah. He signed a contract with uh one of the I think it's UAE or something like that, or DePay or something like that. And they're paying him extortionous amounts of money, and obviously he's got merchandise and branding as well. But yeah, they reckon he's gonna be the first trillionaire sports person.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. Wow. Well, I will marry him then. I'll just spit swallow and gargoyle.

SPEAKER_05

He's only just asked his long-term partner to marry him.

SPEAKER_01

Partner? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Partner isn't gay. No, he's not gay. Woman.

SPEAKER_01

Woman. Damn. Damn. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn. Alright, um, so that's Spitswallow Gargle.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, Urban Dictionary.

SPEAKER_01

Urban Dictionary. I don't have a s I don't have a jingle for this. So let's make one up. Urban Dictionary. Why is it so dirty? Can you tell me how it goes to dirty? Now, so I've known about Urban Dictionary for a long time, right? So somebody came to me a long time ago. Wait, back in Bethlehem. Back in Bethlehem. That's right, a long time ago. Um, so and they asked me what if I knew what blue socking was, right? A what? A blue sock. Do you know what a blue sock is, Dave? Oh. Okay, let me read the definition out for you. It is to have sex with someone in the anus so hard that a thin layer of their anus is left on your penis. Have you ever blue socked anyone, Dave? Uh no. No, me either.

SPEAKER_03

But because how do you get them to leave their their thin layer of their ass?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So you fuck them so hard, right? Wait, are you talking about skin? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Thin layer of their skin. What?

SPEAKER_01

I know. Imagine fucking someone so hard that the layer of their skin comes out and stays on your dick. I think you'd have to have a very big cock for that. Well, I think they would have to go to surgery afterwards, wouldn't they?

SPEAKER_03

Potentially. That's ripping your internal. Yeah, you're not out.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. They'd be bleeding, wouldn't they? I would imagine so. I'd imagine they'd be doing a whole lot more than bleeding.

SPEAKER_03

So it just sticks to your cock?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Like shit would do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, shit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, pretty full on.

SPEAKER_05

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

Wow. Dave's trying to actually visualize it.

SPEAKER_05

Dave, I've got a question for you.

SPEAKER_01

Please don't.

SPEAKER_05

Dave's like, I've had enough of it.

SPEAKER_01

I'm scared. He had enough of last time. PTSD.

SPEAKER_05

Why? So would you suck a dick that's been fucking you up the ass?

SPEAKER_03

If I believed it was clean enough.

SPEAKER_05

So if you hadn't douched.

SPEAKER_03

No.

SPEAKER_05

Why? Girls have to do it all the time.

SPEAKER_01

Well, that's stupid for you. That's why we have to do that.

SPEAKER_05

Girls don't know about douching, though. Well, they should learn.

SPEAKER_03

But then you know yourself if you're cleaning, if you can smell it. I mean, to be honest with you, if it smelled, then I would definitely say no. If it doesn't smell or I can't see any fucking p uh, you know, shit on it, then probably would. Yeah. I think so. Yeah, we've all been there. Because I think it's just the smell of the shit that would put me off.

SPEAKER_01

Probably the taste of the shit here, but hey. Yeah. Look, that hasn't happened very often.

SPEAKER_03

Um, what was what was the segment called? Urban what?

SPEAKER_01

Urban dictionary.

SPEAKER_05

Find another one for yourself.

SPEAKER_00

I don't know any other ones, but yeah.

SPEAKER_05

So this one's called Angry White Dragon.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, this sounds interesting.

SPEAKER_05

It is. When a girl is sucking a dick, the guy comes in her mouth, and then the guy decides to cover her cover her mouth and tickle her so that she laughs and projects come out her nose.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, okay. What do you think of that? Um, look, I think that sounds like fun. Um I I think that's um I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to think about that. Um, yeah. Sounds gross, is what that sounds. Um it sounds really, really gross. Um, but it I get where they get the actual meaning of it. So I've got one for you. All right.

SPEAKER_03

I don't even want looking here.

SPEAKER_01

You just type in dirty urban dictionary. Right, and it'll give you a whole heap of stuff. So I've got one here called the Boston Pancake, right? Have you ever heard of a Boston pancake in Miami?

SPEAKER_05

No, I haven't.

SPEAKER_01

Alright, so just before climax, and Dave, just before climax, the man defecates on a woman's chest, padding down the fresh pile into a flat cake, and he proceeds to ejaculate onto the freshly pressed cake, mimicking a hot dash of syrup on a stack of buttermilk. Sounds kind of filthy and gross and disgusting. Urban dictionary, you got a lot to answer for.

SPEAKER_03

I can't even find I can't find anything on here, so you can ask me.

SPEAKER_01

Your phone is fucked. Alright, then just put your phone down, then just participate in the um conversation instead. Okay. Alright. So go. What's your next one, Miami?

SPEAKER_05

Well, this one's uh this was meant to be Mississippi Mud Cake, but it's not actually giving me the answer that I wanted. So maybe it's Mississippi mud pie.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

But I'm thinking yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Maybe explain it to us. Tell us what it is.

SPEAKER_05

Mississippi mud pie defecating directly into another partner's rectum and sloping it out.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, see, that's called Felchin. That's Felchin, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Well, there's one that it's here we go. It's all coming up different ones now. But there's one where it's when a guy um shits in a girl's vagina. Oh and then foxa. Now, I'm not like I'm all for kinks and fantasies, and you can have your own kinks and fantasies. But I just I just feel like shit should be left out of it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Do you know what I mean? I know everyone's like, you know, people have the little kinks, the little pee kinks, and everyone likes the little have you peed on anyone? No, yes, I have.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, I have. I think because it asked me to. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I'd hope I would hope so. I hope you weren't at the freaking grocery store just smugging pissing on people as they walked past. Yeah, I had a guy that wanted me to piss on him once.

SPEAKER_01

Did you do it?

SPEAKER_05

No, I never got around to it. Sort of just didn't eventuate.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. See, I did that one.

SPEAKER_05

But I would have. I would have.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I didn't know. But it's not as easy for a girl as it is for a guy. Like you can just stand there piss a name. I've got to sort of like Well, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

I think you said before when you were going to the bathroom, I'll try not to pee on your seat.

SPEAKER_05

First of all, that was a joke.

SPEAKER_01

No, I'm thinking you were standing up, um, just quietly. Standing up?

SPEAKER_05

No, I wasn't. Yeah, she was standing up to pee. How did I stand up to pee? How could you stand up?

SPEAKER_01

I don't want to doodle. No, you don't, you don't. No. Have you ever seen it? Not that I've seen it.

SPEAKER_05

You'll see it in these tights I'm wearing today. Let's face it.

SPEAKER_01

Wow. You can see everything else. Double toe.

SPEAKER_03

Um have you have you have you heard of a dirty denver? No, what's a dirty denver? It's when you fist a woman's vagina up to your elbow for that high mile, high mile feeling. Mile high feeling.

SPEAKER_01

Mile high feeling, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Would you take a fisting?

SPEAKER_05

I couldn't do fisting. No, I can do fisting either. Just I'm about things that I'm actually thinking is gonna feel good for me.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

It's like tossing salad.

SPEAKER_01

What's tossing salad? You don't know what tossing salad is. I'm sure I do.

SPEAKER_05

What is wrong with you? Oh, is that when you go?

SPEAKER_01

Hang on. I think I do know. That's when you go from the ass to the vagina. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do know that one. I do know that one. That's the one that dad said.

SPEAKER_04

What? Hang on.

SPEAKER_01

What? Dave had a UTI. He had a UTI. And Dad said, that's because he doesn't know the rule. And I said, what's the rule? And he said, you're supposed to go front to back, not back to front. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Do you know how many guys try to go back to front?

SPEAKER_01

I don't know.

SPEAKER_05

Oh we can't. I only have a back to back. It's a common thing. They just want to pull out from one hole and put it in the other.

SPEAKER_03

Like it's just like, hang on a second. I don't need a you both might get this one. Have you ever done a dirty cloud?

SPEAKER_05

A dirty cloud. A dirty cloud? No.

SPEAKER_03

Basically.

SPEAKER_05

I've done a dirty clown, but we don't mention him by name.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. Yeah, so basically the act of a dirty cloud cloud is accidentally farting while someone is ribbing your arsehole.

SPEAKER_05

No.

SPEAKER_03

I haven't. Have you?

SPEAKER_01

Oh look, sometimes I think I've been close. Oh yeah, I've been close as well.

SPEAKER_03

Really?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think I've been close to doing it. And so I kinda so that's when I went, oh, I've got to stop this. I gotta yeah, I'm I've got to get out of here.

SPEAKER_03

Because you're enjoying the moment, your body is so relaxing.

SPEAKER_01

Especially if you've done fucked. Yeah, if you yeah, but if you've been getting fucked, um Do you know the most embarrassing thing for a female? What's that?

SPEAKER_05

It's when you've been getting like rooted pretty hard, right? Yeah. You've been getting fucked pretty hard. Yeah, and squelched. Yeah, and then like afterwards, oh, you sappen to me all the time with this one ex. Afterwards, you'd be lying on the bed, and then I'll go to get up or go to move, and I like air would come out of my vagina like a fart.

SPEAKER_00

Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_05

But it would keep happening like every time I tried to move or do something, and it's like so embarrassing, and you're trying to like oh sorry, that's like you're trying to like justify yourself. I know, but then at the end of the day, it's you're just trying to get all this air out of your life.

SPEAKER_03

That happens to be, I've done that being fucked. And I've you know, like you fart, and you apologise naturally, but it's only because air is being rammed inside you. Yeah, correct. Because you're doing it. Correct, correct, correct. Someone gives another one.

SPEAKER_01

No, I think that's plenty, I think, for urban dictionary.

SPEAKER_05

While we're talking about sex, we did talk about gonna talk about it last time and we didn't, so I just want to quickly cover something. Yeah, Matt. You have an issue with prolapse vaginas? I don't have an issue, they're horrible. You said you've seen a lot of them.

SPEAKER_01

Yep.

SPEAKER_05

And that's why you don't like vaginas.

SPEAKER_01

There's multiple reasons why they're horrible, but yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And you told us about your first sexual experience.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Well no, your second is the one I'm referring to, not the tent. Yeah. And I'm still confused.

SPEAKER_03

This is the girlfriend one.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, so from my understanding, she was the way you told it was some the way Matt told it, Dave. Correct me if I'm wrong, was that some strange girl at the club? No, she wasn't. Was trying to root her. She was my girlfriend. You told us that you were your girlfriend. We hadn't told us she was your girlfriend until you had you were in the car running away from her.

SPEAKER_03

But you hadn't told us you were with her for like four months.

SPEAKER_05

How are we with this girl? Yeah, about four months, something like that. And you had done nothing before this.

SPEAKER_03

Not really.

SPEAKER_05

And then you might have kissed. And then you jumped. I love it.

SPEAKER_01

I don't know why we have to revisit my trauma. It's funny to watch mine. Yeah, but you're actually paying somebody to fucking revisit yours.

SPEAKER_05

No, I mean if I have to revisit my sexual trauma right now.

SPEAKER_03

But he goes all sheepish and he goes in the face.

SPEAKER_05

I want to revisit that I locked it away for a reason. Did you see her vagina? I don't think so. You didn't get to see it. I don't think so. You didn't get to touch it. So how far did you get before you ran away? Kissed her.

SPEAKER_03

You said you felt her breasts. You told us that. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But that's that's probably it. Like we probably just remember, I was very inexperienced as well. Right?

SPEAKER_05

Well, no, you were yes, inexperienced with females.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so I didn't know what to do, didn't have any guidance. There wasn't a book around, right? Did she guide your hand? I definitely wasn't watching porn.

SPEAKER_05

But how did you know what to do with men and not to know what to do with men? Because it comes natural. It just came natural to you with the men.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. But with her, you just I suppose it could know it is that is probably quite true, actually, because I found it more your own body, you know what does. I mean, right with a girl it was fine. I was able to do with a girl.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But hadn't been with a guy at that time. But never having gone with a guy, it just came very naturally. It just really was weird. I don't know. Your body knows.

SPEAKER_01

Like I know how to jerk myself off, so I know how to jerk off another person.

SPEAKER_03

But also, I think guys are more keen to sort of guide you as well.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Whereas girls will sit back and expect you to do all the work, if that makes sense. Oh no, no, I'll go I yeah, but a lot of girls will sit back and you have to go forward and you've got to be the first one to touch them and everything else. Whereas a guy will go straight in there, you know what I mean? And you go, okay. And then you just take the lead, don't you?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so yeah, but um, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

It was we're just gonna do the pet peeves.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we're gonna do where's it where's it gone? Where's my button gone, Dave? You tell me right here.

SPEAKER_02

They're grumpy, they're gay, they've got something to say. From traffic cues, the crooked cues, they'll bitch it all the way. Gabe and Max Pet peeves!

SPEAKER_01

And Nicole's Miami. Dave. What's the pet peeve? What's your pet peeve, you cranky old man? I got three again.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, here we go.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, all right. We could hear you for another fucking. The first one is when you out somewhere.

SPEAKER_05

Dave's a bit like a theorist a theosaurus, isn't he?

SPEAKER_01

Pet waves, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

No, it's just in general.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, you meant like an old guy that should be extinct. Dinosaurus.

SPEAKER_05

Pork.

SPEAKER_01

Ah, pork, yeah. Full of knowledge. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that has all the like not dictionary, but like doesn't a theosaurus have like Yeah, just meanings and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. You're the one with the high IQ, 140 something.

SPEAKER_05

140.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, whatever.

SPEAKER_03

Anyway, go. When you're out somewhere like a club or or a restaurant or something, and you're sitting there and you're having a normal conversation, all you can hear is someone fucking talking so fucking loud that all you can focus on is their conversation because they're just interrupting everything in the actual environment. Yeah, loud talkers.

SPEAKER_05

That's normally me. I'm normally the loud talker. What? No.

SPEAKER_01

No, that's there's no no, no, you're not.

unknown

Really?

SPEAKER_03

Not really. Not when not when we're but you know when you you you're like sitting about four or five tables away from someone, and all you can hear is someone shouting so loud that you're hearing their conversation more than you're hearing yours. Yes. That piece of thing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and and and I get it when you're excited. Yeah. Right, so I get there are moments through conversations when you're excited, and so you might get a little bit rowdier.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But some people do it the whole time, and you think this can't be your normal inside voice.

SPEAKER_05

And it's those show pony people that like want.

SPEAKER_01

Look at me. The center of energy. Yeah. I get that. I get that. That's annoying as fuck. So yeah. Um, so so I've got one that just and it's it's age specific, right? So if you're an adult man, right, that's been smoking all your life, yes, and you give up, yes, right, just give up, don't vape.

SPEAKER_05

Oh vapors. I hate vapors.

SPEAKER_01

But I look, you know what? I get that there's a certain age demographic of vapors and all that kind of stuff. But if you're a grown man, either smoke or don't.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I get you.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Commit to smoking. Vaping is for 12-year-olds and teenagers that think it's cool and bubblegum's fun. I hate people walking around vaping.

SPEAKER_05

But just it's like a big turn off to me. But even don't you find it?

SPEAKER_01

I just think the men. I don't even mind the women.

SPEAKER_05

No, I mind the women. Don't you think it just looks trashy when you see the woman with the vape and she quickly sucks in a big drag before she walks in the shop and then blows it? I'm just like, fuck.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, take your magic fucking.

SPEAKER_05

I'm all about trash. Like, let's face it, I'm like 80% trash, 20% class. Rubbish. 100% entertainment. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But I'm like, I just think that on a t-shirt.

SPEAKER_05

Um I hate the look of vaping.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I just think it looks so stupid for men. And I call them on it.

SPEAKER_03

But they disguise themselves as well, don't they? They hold their hands so they're not doing anything. What the fuck are you doing?

SPEAKER_01

It's fucking stupid. It's stupid, stupid, stupid. What pisses you off? What are your pet peeves or your ekes?

SPEAKER_05

People that get angry. Dave, sorry, laugh. Dave, you know where I'll go with this. People that are angry and bitchy and in a mood, but then like, what do you say? Angry. They tell you they're not angry. You know the people that are like, I'm not angry. And you know what? I love you. Aaron's the same. You and Aaron are the same. It drives me insane. But it's like you're clearly pissed off.

SPEAKER_01

Because we spend a lot of time together.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

But it's like you're clearly pissed off.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_05

You're not angry.

SPEAKER_01

But I'm not though. But you're denying it. You're saying that you're not going to be able to do it. Most of the time. I'm not angry. I'm not angry. Most of the time when two people in this room tell me I'm angry, I'm not angry. I'm just I can't be fucked answering you at that point in time.

SPEAKER_05

Wow. Wow, Dave.

SPEAKER_01

Now we know. Now we know how we're gonna tell us that you're fighting. Sometimes I just don't have the energy. So then I just don't bother saying in here. No, but I I'm look or or I think to myself I'm pretty good at knowing when you don't have the energy. If I say something, I think I'm gonna hurt their feelings now. Cause so I just choose not to say something.

SPEAKER_05

What? Are you saying I'm sensitive?

SPEAKER_01

You're all sensitive, you're all precious. All right, we're all I am not. I'm pretty good.

SPEAKER_05

I feel like I'm pretty good at reading when you'll just need to switch off for a while.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_05

Generally, I'm like, if he hasn't replied, I'm like, uh, or if he has if I see he's like in the group chat and he hasn't replied, I'm like, oh just leave him alone. I know that like he's just like vaping. He just needs he needs a moment.

SPEAKER_00

He's just yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, alright. Um taken.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, whatever. Okay, go cranky man.

SPEAKER_03

Next one. People tailgating when you're driving.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's stupid.

SPEAKER_03

I can't stand it when you're driving at the speed limit and yet they're right up your ass. They know they can't overtake you. But are you in the right lane?

SPEAKER_05

Don't sit in the fucking right line. No, no, no. No, I'm gonna stack up for all the people here. Move over, Gramps. Like, no, move to the fucking left lane. I'm doing the right lane. I'm doing the right.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but I'm doing the right speed, I'm saying. I'm doing the right speed.

SPEAKER_05

It doesn't matter. Go in the left lane.

SPEAKER_03

But what happens if you are going faster than the people in the slow lane? But you're still overtaking them, but not at a pace that's going faster than the others. So you're still you're still going faster than the people in the slow lane. So you're just marginally going past them.

SPEAKER_05

Go past them and then merge into the left lane.

SPEAKER_03

But what happens if you can't, because there's too many cars? Or you need to take it turn right at some point, knowing you've got like a kilometre to go, and you need to go right, and you know that you're going to write a speed limit, and that you've still got these fucking people going up your ass for no reason, or they go past you and get two car lengths in front of you, and that's as far as they get. I'm with you here, Dave.

SPEAKER_01

Just morning on the way to work. But fuck you. You try to work. And I was in the left lane, right? That the lights were shining right in me. So you know how you got a little flicking thing on the bottom of you. Yeah. I turned it up because that way I didn't have to have their lights right in my fucking eyes. Pissed me off. I'm sitting there thinking, get off my arse, you stupid cunt. But yeah, yeah. Okay. You don't tell me I drive slow.

SPEAKER_05

You drive like 10 to 20 K's under the speed limit.

SPEAKER_01

Sometimes 30. Sometimes 30.

SPEAKER_05

And you also like sit really close to the steering wheel like a nana.

SPEAKER_01

Like I have had my license since I was 14 years old. But I love you now 54 years old. I love you. I've had my license for nearly 40 years.

SPEAKER_05

I know, and you're a fantastically safe part drivers.

SPEAKER_01

To the point where you go and over a broad or so, one of mine, and you should be able to relate this to this. Okay. Fish in the microwave at work.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, yeah, no.

SPEAKER_01

It's wrong. You don't have to work with anyone but yourself, right? Lucky you, right? But it's gross. And there are some cultures that do it all the time. You sit here and you go, no, please, please, please, please. What'd you bring to lunch today? Oh, let me put pizza on instead for everyone. Nobody put my food in the microwave.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, but yeah, so it's gross. It's filthy. It's yuck. Don't bring fish to work, all right? Edit at home. All right.

SPEAKER_05

Well, I've got one.

SPEAKER_01

Yep.

SPEAKER_05

Um, not that I'm targeting anyone in particular sometimes. But people that make fun of people that wear crocs that wear crocs themselves.

SPEAKER_01

I don't wear mine outside the fucking house.

SPEAKER_05

Because I sorry.

SPEAKER_01

I don't wear mine outside the house.

SPEAKER_05

Hang on. Was it my turn to talk or your turn to talk? I get a lot of slit for wearing these beautiful crocs that are on my feet right now. Look at these amazing giblets.

SPEAKER_03

We saw a beautiful. I've got some giblets for you.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, I've got the peach, I've got the Playboy Bunny, I've got the phone. I've got some shit ones for you.

SPEAKER_03

We were in TK Match, weren't we, last week? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Anyway.

SPEAKER_03

Beautiful pink ones for you. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I've seen some pink ones.

SPEAKER_03

They were heavy. They were heavy. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Well, people that like make fun of people that wear crocs, but then wear them themselves. Hebbiquity. Not that I'm like looking at anyone's feet right now. But Matt constantly makes fun of my crocs.

SPEAKER_01

I said to you, and I've always stated, they are super comfortable, right? And they are very, very comfy, right? However, they're not outside the house shoes, right? I stand by my statement, right? I stand by it.

SPEAKER_05

Do you have crocs, Dave? No, I don't have crocs.

SPEAKER_01

Just never never needed to have any, I suppose. Yeah. But we do have some giblets somewhere for you.

SPEAKER_05

What's all?

SPEAKER_01

They're two little poo emoji ones.

SPEAKER_05

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01

I thought I actually bought them for I didn't buy them, I got them at one of the things. He bought it himself. No, no, I have no chance in hell.

SPEAKER_05

It's fucking bullshit. Am I getting a second hand gift?

SPEAKER_01

No. I've got them given to me at one of the at the Newcastle property. What are you saying that there is shit presenting? Um, all right. I've got one too. Okay. Do you want to go first? You go first. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Oh yeah. Hair in the sink or down the drain. Not an issue for me.

SPEAKER_05

Not an issue. Well, speak to my husband because even Ashton is sick of it. He's like, ma'am, get your hair out. My hair is all over. Like it's everywhere.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Like I've got real skin. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

How do you feel when you're pulling your own hair out of the sink?

SPEAKER_05

I don't like to because the sink. I prefer Aaron to do that. Because it's disgusting. Like it gets all shit. Like under the like especially in the shower. Like if I wash my hair, there's like a clump.

SPEAKER_03

There's like a realise how much is coming out.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, because my hair's past my bum.

SPEAKER_03

Well that's what I'm saying, but you realise how much it's coming out.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. And then I just like let it wash into that. And I wait for the hair fairy to like magically clean it up. Because otherwise, when I pick it up, I feel like there's all like gunk from the drain or something. Because it's so long. Because my hair's so long, it like goes half a meter down the drain. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

You should make it a a a game for Ashton. See how long you can actually see if you can actually build a snowman out of it. Like a hairman. When you want to build a hairman.

SPEAKER_05

Ashton won't touch it. He just yells it does to touch it, but he's got this thing about things going down drains. So he's like, Mum, get your hair. Your hair's gonna go down the drain. It doesn't matter. No, it can't go down the drain.

unknown

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, he learned that. Daddy's telling him all the things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Tell mommy not to put her hair down drain.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's gross. That is gross, but yeah. So my last one is about ask holes. Uh what? Assholes. Ask holes. Ask holes? Ask holes. Do you not know what an ask hole is? Right. So our good friend David Mitzen um taught me what an ask hole was. Right. It's someone that continually asks for advice and then doesn't listen at all. Right. So whether it be relationship advice, something at work, whatever it is, they'll continue to ask you something, and you give them the advice, which is primo advice, which is amazing advice, because let's face it, it's come from me, right? And then they don't listen anyway, right? You sit there and go, oh, what do you want for dinner? Even if it's something as simple, oh, what do I want for dinner? And you go, oh, look, what do you feel like? And they go, I don't know. It's okay, we'll have the chicken snitch on. And then they get the front, they go, I'll order the steak. You just fucking sat there for 15 minutes asking me what you want for dinner. I've given you the fucking things, right? And and you're not listening to me anyway. So why bother asking me? And or it can be a numerous small advice, large advice, relationship advice, friendship advice, anything. But there's lots of them out there. And now that I've pointed out this to you both, you'll go in your life, you'll see people, and you go, Ah, that's an asshole. Because they will sit there and complain about something and you give them the best advice. We were talking with um Aaron about it last night, right? Because he said that Aaron. No, not your Aaron, another Aaron from the club. He's the one that wants me to suck his cock. Does he? Yeah, he's straight. Is he straight? Yeah, he wants it bad. Does he? How do you know? Did he say it? He because every time he comes near me, I'd give him a good tickle. Right. Yeah, go right at Levy Shorts. And he comes up and he goes, Oh, I'll knock on your mud again. And he comes right next to me every single time. He goes, How do you get there? And I go, Yeah, fucking, you know you want it. Oh my god. He's a couple of drinks away from Wonder B. About 40. 40.

SPEAKER_05

Is he good looking? Yeah, he's good.

SPEAKER_01

Mid 40s, no. No, no. But yeah, but he he gives advice to this girl, right? And she just never takes it. She asks for advice, asked for advice, asked for advice what she should do, what she should do. She's a girl that runs raffles at the club. Um, and she gives him he gives her all this great advice, and then she basically doesn't listen.

SPEAKER_03

So he said, But she's become very sick from it all as well. She doesn't do herself any services. She's been abused by her partner in terms of mentally wearing her down. Yeah, yeah. But she does she doesn't know how to break the cycle.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, but she's very hard.

SPEAKER_03

She is he's a narcissist, and she's a um what's the person that like a co codependent?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, she's got Stockholm syndrome, yeah, pretty much. But yeah, but yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Well, I thought you were having a dig at me then. No, it's glad that wasn't okay.

SPEAKER_01

I know.

SPEAKER_05

Because I was like, I don't ever ask you for advice because I don't need it because I know everything.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I'm the same. I'm the absolute I don't need. Anyone got anything else? No, don't think so.

SPEAKER_05

Um no, I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01

Alright, let's um wrap this up. I've been Matt. Um I've been Dave, I think.

SPEAKER_05

And I'm Miami.

SPEAKER_01

Bye. That's a wrap from us. We've been your Fully Grown Homers, and we look forward to opening your mind, your ears, and your curiosities. Don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe, and share our podcast with your curious friends. You can contact us on Fully Grown Homers Podcast at gmail.com or any of our socials Fully Grown Homers Podcast.

Head Shot

Dave

Co-host
Head Shot

Matt

Co-host