The Steinpunk Diaries
Welcome to the Steinpunk Diaries podcast.
I’m Ashley Stein, a writer, musician, keen photographer and amateur electronic music producer and DJ. This podcast is my song book, my art journal, my diary. A place to share unfinished work, discuss my inspirations and explore ways to strike a balance between the two ruling houses of my life; art and fear.
In each episode I’ll share new work and tell you all about what I’ve learned from my most recent creative adventure. These endevours will include going on artist dates, actually listening the records I bought, reading books that were once doomed to be ornaments, finally developing my camera film, and, among other things, re-excavating long abandoned projects. I believe these experiences will help me to cultivate a creative practice and develop as an artist, and by sharing them publicly I hope to connect with others who are on the same path.
So, if you’re ready to come with me on this strange journey, I'll see you on page one.
The Steinpunk Diaries
Hold Me Now (actually don't though)
How can I hold this for you
If I can't hold you?
Like a lot of people with sensory issues, I struggle with physical contact. I don't want anyone to touch me, but I feel so left out and alone when I see others doing it. Teenage girls walking down the street arm in arm, friends casually leaning on one another, toddlers being carried by their parents.
So, when a public speaking workshop turned out to be a highly physical affair, I was pushed to consider why I am so averse to being touched, being held, by others.
✨
Like many neurodivergent people, being perceived, being seen, is a truly difficult thing for me to experience. Despite this, I want to share my music, my art, because I know that when I do, it can help others to process their own experiences. That's why I started this podcast, so that my work could find you, the one who needs to hear it. Thank you for listening 🙏🏻
If you enjoy the podcast and want to support my work, you can:
💜 Connect with me on Insta and let me know what you think of the show
💜 Become a subscriber
💜 Listen to my music
I only have a transcript of the spoken word only for this episode at the moment, apologies!
*******
I can't.
I've never...
It's not you...
but,
is it me?
When did I begin to stop being so receptive?
Who did I gift with my last freely given embrace?
No hesitation
no pressure
practice needed.
What does it feel like?
To touch
without resistance?
How do you know when to pull back
lean in
give
in.
I want to look
I want to see
I want to stare.
My searching expression
reflected in your gaze
giving everything
away.
There is
a block
on my chest
on my neck.
Heavey and ever-present.
It keeps me from you.
Fragile and rooted.
Do I only take?
Am I not strong enough to give?
I want to take it from you
everything you can't carry
just for a money
just for a lifetime.
But you ask
How can you hold this for me
if you can't hold me?