Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
With backgrounds in therapy and coaching, James and Teri Craft help your marriage through issues with communication, intimacy, conflict, or if you're just fighting to fall back in love with your partner. Aside from their certifications, the reason why James and Teri are so passionate about helping your marriage through challenges is because they've walked through the hardest things in their marriage and they wouldn't have made it if it weren't for help.
If you are fighting for your marriage, don’t face this fight alone.
Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
The Hidden Impact of Gaslighting and Betrayal Trauma | Featuring Kristin Snowden
Can betrayal destroy more than just your trust? In this eye-opening episode, we uncover the physical and emotional havoc that betrayal trauma and gaslighting can wreak on one's life. From chronic health issues like IBS and fibromyalgia to deep emotional scars, the fallout is often more profound than many realize. Join us as we discuss why traditional couples therapy can sometimes do more harm than good and explore the essential elements of finding the right therapeutic support to begin the healing journey.
We are honored to have Kristin Snowden, a seasoned expert in love and sex addiction recovery, share her riveting personal story. Kristin opens up about how a marital crisis led her to a transformative experience within a men's addiction program, setting her on a path to help others navigate similar turmoil. She dives into the concept of gaslighting, revealing how it manipulates reality and why some individuals are particularly vulnerable to it. Kristin also sheds light on maintaining one's truth amidst deceit and the importance of secure attachment in relationships.
Our conversation also takes a deep dive into the steps necessary for healing and rebuilding trust. We emphasize the importance of education, awareness, and the often-overlooked necessity of humility and surrender for those who have engaged in deceitful actions. Discover the power of professional help, support groups, and safe spaces that can provide an anchor during tumultuous times. We aim to offer a roadmap from brokenness to a redefined, authentic partnership, encouraging listeners to seek out the guidance and support they need. Don't miss this compelling episode filled with invaluable insights into navigating betrayal and relationship recovery.
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So are you saying that if one of the partners is gaslighting, therapy can actually be harmful if it's not someone who can understand what's?
Kristin Snowden:going on. Yes, when you go into, like a couples therapy, something's going on. I'm not really sure what's going on, but let's, let's go to couples therapy. I, as the betrayed partner walking on eggshells, I'm trying to figure out what's going on here. Guess who looks most dysregulated and like the identified patient in a couple setting the betrayed partner.
Kristin Snowden:I am so tired of them being secondarily abused by a therapy, mental health professional world. That probably means the best, but they just don't know how to smell high levels of diabolical lying and manipulation and gaslighting and then go. Well, did you stop having sex with him after the kids were born and maybe, if you wouldn't nag him, we can talk about relational problems after we deal with the fact that your partner's been doing these lying, deceitful behaviors outside of the marriage.
Producer:That's right. If you have experienced betrayal trauma from your spouse, you've experienced one of the hardest things a person can endure. This issue will affect you more deeply than you know. Being in a committed relationship to someone who is good at lying will wreak more havoc on your mind and your body than you even thought possible From your skin issues to your weight gain, to issues you might have with anger or emotions. Learning the full impact of betrayal trauma and gaslighting on your life will turn your world upside down it leaves you in this paralysis, yeah, just brain splitting confusion.
Kristin Snowden:It robs you of your instincts, of your safety, from connecting with everybody. Yeah, I have betrayed partners who've been in and out of the hospital with pancreatitis or they have IBS or other gastrointestinal issues. I have people who have fibromyalgia, which has kind of become this really blanket diagnosis for saying you're, you're inflamed all the time, but we don't really know why, but you just are all the time, but we don't really know why.
Producer:But you just are. What can make this even harder is that your spouse and those around you likely have very little understanding of these effects that this trauma has on your mind, your body and your relationships, especially if your spouse or someone very close to you is the source of this trauma. The first thing you need to hear is this You're not crazy. Your issues are real, and this episode is going to talk about them in detail, because this might be the most important episode of marriage health ever. Betrayal, trauma and gaslighting can be the hardest things to walk through in your life unless you have help.
Producer:These are the crafts, james and Terry. They don't know how the internet works, anything about YouTube, tiktok or social media, and that's okay, because they know a bit about something else Marriage. In fact, they've helped some of the most influential couples in the world, and they've also helped couples going through the hardest situations imaginable. The reason why James and Terry are able to help couples go through really hard things is because they've been through it themselves and they came through the other side. The greatest marriage podcast ever Marriage Health with James and Terry Craft.
Teri Craft:Today we are so excited. I shouldn't say today, because that date stamps it right.
Producer:No matter what date it is, it's still today.
James Craft:It's still today.
Teri Craft:You're right. We are so excited. Today we have a dear friend, a colleague, a guru is what we're going to just say right now. Kristen Snowden is going to be with us. Kristen Snowden is a love and sex addiction therapist, an adjunct therapist at Avalon Malibu, which is a treatment center that exists for substance abuse and mental health disorders. She's a writer, webinar host for relationship and sex healing. She has many, many online resources. By the way, love all of her work. She is trauma informed. She has pretty much every certification that you can think of. Kristen Snowden is the real deal. She's trusted and safe. We're very excited.
Kristin Snowden:The story of how I came to work in love and sex addiction recovery and betrayed partner recovery is I'd been a licensed therapist for several years and actually I was in my own marital crisis and had two little kids and because we were separating, I had to get a full-time job really fast and I had to have it be high enough pain.
Kristin Snowden:I got plopped into a men's drug and sex addiction program where everybody is just vomiting out emotion and manipulation, and gaslighting, like I didn't even know what gaslighting was until I showed up and like rob weiss started sharing this stuff with me and so I was trying to treat and show up as the clinical director of these addicts in recovery.
Kristin Snowden:They kind of open their mouths and lies come out and gaslighting and minimizing and you just really have to stand strongly in your foundation of like, no, no, no, I know what my truth is. I became really well versed at confronting distorted thinking and minimization. You know all those Freudian defenses that humans love so much but really really show up in the addiction model. You grow 16 thick skins, not one, not two.
Producer:five's not enough. They'll penetrate that, so you need about 16.
Kristin Snowden:It prepared me for my teenage daughter.
Teri Craft:You're like, you're upset. You said something that was so good. You said I had to hold on to my truth. And I think that's so wise, because when you're dealing with a manipulated or intentionally manipulated reality, you know it's like what's the truth again, truth, what's truth. You know what was it like the first time that you realized what? Because you said I didn't even know what gaslighting was. If you can recall, what did it feel like for you to connect with the first time, with what? Is gaslighting and how it had maybe impacted you.
Kristin Snowden:What is gaslighting and how it had maybe impacted you. Oh God, in between running the program, rob would take teaching time to kind of educate me on again the 12-step model, how he believes it should be structured for recovering addicts, and then just the kind of the things that show up in an addiction relationship or dyad. Right, an addict is there acting out? How do they cover up their behaviors? Right, an addict is they're acting out? How do they cover up their behaviors?
Kristin Snowden:because, again, as as those who love addicts, we have instincts and intuition that something's off yeah and and we confront it because you say you're acting weird, you're something's going on, and so he says what they do is they gaslight? And I'm like, do tell what is this gaslighting? And I'm fascinated for I mean for work purposes definitely not because I'm struggling with the concept at all.
Producer:I just you know for my clients yeah, exactly, and their partners um for a friend.
Kristin Snowden:I'm asking for a friend um and so he just he said, simply put um, it's when someone else tries to tell you that your reality is not your reality. Yeah, they try to disconnect you from what your instincts and intuition are screaming out to tell you. Yeah, right, because we have a very sensitive survival nervous system that notices body language, non-body like, non-verbal language, and we know when things are off, and one of the only defense mechanisms addicts have to cover up their tracks is to say all the things that you're thinking. You're crazy for thinking them. You are so off.
Kristin Snowden:Not only is it not light outside, it's dark, and you're like and you're crazy and what it really does is it knocks at your shame too, right, because I always say, the two things that are needed to kind of fall for gaslighting, let's say, is there has to be a level of empathy. So you tend to kind of be an empathizer, but sometimes an over-empathizer. Where I want, I'll let your truth trump my truth. And then the other thing is I have to be shame prone, right, I have to be prone to say, oh yeah, I am bad.
Kristin Snowden:I am crazy. Yeah, you know, they must see those bad things in me and I'm so afraid. Yeah, so I'm going to shut down Right.
Producer:If you experience gaslighting, you don't need to feel shame. Almost everyone who experiences gaslighting or betrayal has a part of them that believes they caused the lying or betrayal, as if they're too codependent, too attached, too annoying. Nothing can be further from the truth. It wasn't a fight that went too far or something you said. You did not cause your betrayal.
Kristin Snowden:We have to clarify that there's nothing wrong with having what you think is a secure attachment with your partner. You think that you're both giving each other the benefit of the doubt that you're going to err on believing your partner's being truthful. You're going to be open to accepting his or her influence, right? That's the first thing. That kind of will set you up to be gaslit. But then some other things will magnify it. Right Is that I will maybe over empathize with your situation and and sell short what's going on inside me, right? Like I will say oh, he's obviously angry. I'll see some blocked phone calls on your cell phone and I'll say what's going on I'm not comfortable with. Why do you keep getting phone calls? You've also been dipping out on our relationship. You're getting angrier faster. What's going on, right? So what I'm saying is my instincts are telling me something's wrong, there's something off. I confront you and I'm going to assume you're going to want to repair this rupture of me not feeling safe in this relationship, because that's what happens in secure attachments yeah I didn't.
Kristin Snowden:I don't know at the time that you're a diabolical liar that's hiding all these secrets. Yeah right, um, living this double life, and so the gaslighter will come back and be like you're crazy. It's just, everybody gets blocked phone calls. I no other person's wife is nagging them the way that you're nagging. Maybe if you wouldn't nag me so much, we wouldn't be having these apparent problems that you've made up in your head.
James Craft:Right right.
Kristin Snowden:And that's the gaslighting. And so, instantaneously, what does that do?
Kristin Snowden:It shuts me down, because I'm stuck in a shame spiral of the person that I love now sees me in the way that I have feared being seen my whole life, which is someone who wants too much, who has, who needs too much, not valuable, who's even, oh God, crazy. And then I want to quickly, instead, instead of empathize with my hurt, my pain, what I need, to feel safe I go oh, okay, okay, I'm sorry that you're sad. Okay, let's, let's fix this. What can I do to fix that You're upset, that I've brought up something, that I'm upset?
Producer:about.
Teri Craft:Right, I'll even use with clients. I'll say like somebody's driving the car and then someone's in the backseat, pointed the opposite direction. It's like the person who might be gaslighting. They have eyes wide open, they can see what's happening, they understand what they're working with. And then I'm sitting in the backseat but I'm actually pointed the opposite direction, so I have no idea where the car's turning. It's scary, it's hard, it feels alone, it feels completely out of control, overwhelming, and that's that intentionally manipulated reality. Really help our listeners understand the breadth and depth of betrayal trauma, because I think there's a lot of confusion around the term.
James Craft:A lot of people think it is that someone had an affair, cheated or something like that Some catastrophic event. But there's more to that. There's more to that story than just that.
Kristin Snowden:Betrayal. Trauma is the trauma that gets wired into our brain and body when we are betrayed by a trusted loved one. Anything right. It was coined by a writer author named Jennifer Frey. She specifically was talking about it. She was actually an expert witness when there was all those priests who were inappropriate with the children in Boston, the Catholic priests and she was an expert witness that was talking about this concept of betrayal trauma, about why they didn't speak up until 20, 30 years later.
Kristin Snowden:And she used betrayal trauma to kind of help people understand how mind disrupting and mind blowing this conflicting dichotomy is between. Like you are a trusted person in my life, which means you're supposed to love me, protect me, want the most best for me but, then you have harmed me the most.
Kristin Snowden:So betrayal trauma can be as simple as I thought I knew you. I thought I knew that this was the type of person you were. I thought this is what our relationship was like and then you did something that destroyed that vision of us and you in my life. That's a kind of more simple way of experiencing Relationally.
Teri Craft:It could be lying Right.
Kristin Snowden:It could be like I said like I thought that maybe you and I had a safe sex life that was between you and I, and then I uncovered that you're viewing a bunch of pornography and I just know that about you. I didn't know that that's something that you did or something financially. You can feel betrayal that your partner made decisions behind your back about finances that you just kind of shocked that they did that. So there's this idea that that I want people to understand there's a difference between betrayal, trauma and just human imperfection. Right Is that we are all meant to be flawed. I can't execute parenting perfectly. That's actually my empathic failure. So my inability to show up perfectly for my kids is going to be what helps them build up resilience.
Kristin Snowden:Build up that emotional tolerance that we were talking about. That's not there right now, that sometimes people fall short and they're going to blow it. But this is the linchpin, this is the big part. It's not about the imperfections and the way that we blow it, our failures and connecting with other people Cause we're going to fall short. I'm going to sometimes say something that hurts your feelings. I'm not going to show up in the way that you want me to sometimes. Yeah, I am going to end up being a different person than you thought I was going to be. It's not about that part. It's about is there acknowledgement and repair afterward?
James Craft:Interesting yeah.
Kristin Snowden:And the betrayal trauma occurs when someone just blows through your boundaries, says I know this hurts you and I keep doing it anyway. It happens multiple times. Or in a really big, catastrophic way, like in an abusive way, or uncovering an addiction, or uncovering a long-term affair, or something really big that just wires deeply into your brain and body and says I can't trust you. But, by the way, your brain is very general, so it's not just I can't trust you. Can I trust anybody? And oh my gosh, I put myself in this situation.
Kristin Snowden:So can I trust my ability to make judgment calls.
Kristin Snowden:Is this the type of person that I trust and bring into my life and then, as you can imagine your brains because, remember, our brains like to write really succinct stories good, bad but it's like I love you and I trust you and you've harmed me the most and you are the least trustworthy person it leaves you in this paralysis of like do I stay, do I go, do I want to hug this person or do I want to plot their death? And that just brain splitting. Confusion is what is so destructive and paralyzing about betrayal trauma is what is so destructive and paralyzing about betrayal trauma. It robs you of your instincts, of your safety, from connecting with everybody. Your brain experiences trauma anytime. It experiences something overwhelming to its nervous system. Can it be healed, can it be processed? Can it be worked through? Yes, so I believe that, because we are imperfect beings, people do experience betrayal trauma all the time. But you and I, we all work in the world where there are catastrophic traumas, that people are brought to their knees, incapacitated, because of the lies that they've discovered.
Teri Craft:Because of the lies that they've discovered. Yeah, there are also these moments that kind of happen over time that can kind of create a cataclysmic event in your own body. Maybe there's someone listening who is feeling continuously betrayed because, like maybe a habitual financial betrayal you know it could be a lie about, you know just somebody not following through on something and that and that over time it just starts to mess with our system. And and we had a good friend and colleague on Jenna Mountain and she talked about what that does to our body because we were having a discussion in terms of even sexual intimacy and she was just saying safety is such a big deal and it starts with us. So oftentimes, even in betrayal trauma, almost have to step back and heal that part inside of us that has felt like I don't even feel safe here.
Kristin Snowden:Right, that's. I think one of the number one requirements for healing post-betrayal trauma is that, well, the words I use is you have to reconnect with your instincts and intuition. That's great. There's a lot of things that block that. There's the shame, there's the struggle with love, value and worth, or it's the questioning am I crazy?
James Craft:By the way.
Kristin Snowden:I've been groomed to think that I have emotions and they're crazy, or I have needs and they're crazy, or opinions and they're crazy. So I have to kind of rewrite that, which, by the way, that must this is my opinion must be done in a group setting. I could be the best stinking therapist in the world in betrayal trauma, but if you are trying to reconnect with your instincts and intuition.
Kristin Snowden:learn how to speak out your wants and needs, figure out what is crazy, what's not crazy. Is this a reasonable boundary? Is this a reasonable consequence? It has to be done in a group with other people who are struggling in a similar way. That's right, I find it to be much more efficient, much more effective.
James Craft:When betrayal happens in marriage, what happens to the receiver of that, the betrayed partner? What happens to them? What happens to their physical health?
Kristin Snowden:to them, what happens to their physical health. There is a physical and emotional cost to being in a relationship where I don't exactly know what's going on here. Like you're saying, we're driving backward. I'm not really sure what the big picture is. I know something's off. I know I'm really unhappy in our marriage. I may be trying to just keep it together because we have young kids, but something else is going on here. I don't know what it is. There's something going on with my partner. I keep asking questions and I'm getting shut down, but there's just there's stuff that's going on. So that's the pre-betrayal trauma, because I haven't quite discovered what exactly is going on.
James Craft:But even during that time, that starts to impact their body as well.
Kristin Snowden:Absolutely Thinking they're going crazy. You know they're being gaslit at the same time. Right to not go too deep into the science of it.
Kristin Snowden:You have to acknowledge we have a survival system running all the time the autonomic nervous system. It is running everything involuntary that's going on in our body. Um, it is the first thing online. So when we walk into a room we're scanning and looking for anything that's potentially a threat and helping us figure out how do we survive this potential threat all the time. So imagine if I'm living in this marriage or relationship. Where is my partner telling me the truth, looking at his or her body language, saying is he or she angry today?
Producer:Is he or?
Kristin Snowden:she drunk today? Is there something? Can he or she handle what I'm going to say to him? She angry today? Is he or she drunk today? Is there something? Can he or she handle what I'm going to say to him or her today? And I'm walking on eggshells right.
Kristin Snowden:The cost of that, of these questions, this uncertainty of what is really the story here. What is the actual threat? If our nervous system, our autonomic nervous system, is always in that fight, flight, freeze stage, what it's not able to do is run all the other involuntary systems in our body appropriately? So what are the things that run involuntarily without our thinking? Our breathing, our heart rate, our digestive system, our immunity, our some sexual responses. So think about that. There's people all the time I have betrayed partners who've been in and out of the hospital with pancreatitis or they have IBS or other gastrointestinal issues. I have people who have fibromyalgia, which has kind of become this really blanket diagnosis for saying you're inflamed all the time, but we don't really know why, but you just are, and they've made a lot of connections with people who are in a constant state of being in an unsafe environment.
Teri Craft:So those are just some of the consequences of it Panic attacks, I was going to say and there's got to be some mental issues as well.
Producer:And when we talk about mental health depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and self-hatred- Partners that experience betrayal trauma can live in a constant state of physical pain and challenges and not even know why they can question themselves, question everything and feel like they're withering away without any answers. Why Finding the right help can be the hardest part when it comes to gaslighting. Even a licensed therapist might not immediately recognize what's going on.
Kristin Snowden:Might not immediately recognize what's going on. I will say one of the things I am most impassioned about when we talk about betrayal trauma is when you go into like a couples therapy. Right, you just know, okay, something's going on. I'm not really sure what's going on, but let's go to couples therapy. That can be almost more damaging and destructive if you don't go to the right kind of therapist who's educated and kind of being able to snuff out the BS that's going on here.
Kristin Snowden:It's because I, as a betrayed partner walking on eggshells with my autonomic nervous system completely dysregulated, I'm trying to figure out what's going on here. Which, by the way, the person who's kind of living the double life. He or she knows exactly what's going on here. Which, by the way, the person who's kind of living the double life he or she knows exactly what's going on.
Producer:Exactly, they're hiding it.
Kristin Snowden:Guess who looks most dysregulated and like the identified patient in a couple setting 100%. The betrayed partner. Because, I'm coming in screaming and then crying and then begging for the person not to go because I have nothing concrete to hold on to. I don't even know what we're freaking talking about here, and so my passion as you can hear when I'm speaking about it is to be the voice and the advocate for those people. I am so tired of them being secondarily abused by a therapy, mental health professional world. That probably means the best.
Producer:Yes.
Kristin Snowden:But they just don't know how to smell high levels of diabolical lying and manipulation and gaslighting and then go. Well, did you stop having sex with him after the kids were born and maybe if you wouldn't nag him that much, you know and you know what. Let's talk about this from a marital place. Maybe this is a you and you problem which we all ultimately find out. It is the lying betraying partner's problem, that's right and this is what's problem. Yes, it does take two to tango.
James Craft:Yes, yes, we can talk about relational problems all the time over the lifetime of a marriage After that's right.
Kristin Snowden:We deal with the fact that your partner has been acting out and doing these lying, deceitful behaviors outside of the marriage.
Teri Craft:That's right.
James Craft:Right, right, wow. That destructive behavior is, yeah, there, has to be focused on.
Kristin Snowden:You cannot solve a marital issue.
Kristin Snowden:You cannot assess the viability of a relationship without first removing the external distractors. There are many circumstances we're going to couples therapy when it has not come fully into the light about what the betraying partner is doing. Has not come fully into the light about what the betraying partner is doing. There's a lot of minimization, you know, rationalization, defensiveness going on from the betraying partner and then, by the way too, again not to put down therapists and clinicians who are doing their best to help other people but they might not really understand the nuances of sexual acting out behaviors, pornography, use, behaviors, affairs and really understanding that the betrayed partner is in a total state of trauma, complete dysregulation.
James Craft:Their entire system has been shot Right. Like when, as a trained therapist in the field that I'm in, when a partner comes in highly dysregulated- shaking or screaming or moving people with a catastrophic, like a bomb dropped in their life, of a, of a partner cheating and having betrayal, um, and they just come in hopeless, maybe thinking will this ever get to a place that we're actually healed together? What do you say to people?
Kristin Snowden:after something explodes, after a marital nuclear bomb goes off, I mean, the first thing that always comes to mind is I obviously wouldn't be doing this for a living if I didn't have a true belief in humanity's ability to change. I believe that if people are given the education of a how their behaviors have harmed others, because, believe it or not, they're so compartmentalized and they're so in their defense mechanism and they're so busy protecting these unhealthy coping skills that they just don't even know.
Producer:Yeah.
Kristin Snowden:Right, they tell themselves it's my addiction or it's my behavior. What they don't know doesn't hurt them. Or you know, honestly, I deserve to do this for myself. I've heard it all. I mean, I have blogs where I can literally write out what the betraying partner or the hurting partner says to justify his or her behavior, because I hear it so often. So first it's just a matter of really coming to terms with this behavior's harmful and then, I find, with the person who's acted out and done the lying and deceitful behavior there has to be. The 12-step terms are humbled and surrendered. Right, my best thinking got me here. I'm really good at creating these defense mechanism, compartmentalized justifications. I can. I can write any story to justify any behavior. Um, and I don't make very good choices with um, my priorities, my values, my decision-making tree that I always say, um, I need help, need help. We usually need outside help right.
Kristin Snowden:Therapists or coaches that specialize in this, as I said, a group of other men or women who've suffered and struggled in a similar way and are at different stages in the recovery process. And the betrayed partner usually needs that as well, because, by the way, you don't tell this story of what's happened in your marriage to just anybody.
Teri Craft:Yeah, no, no. A lot of my clients are like I can't even tell my family right now, Right Cause it's like if I decide to, stay with my husband.
Kristin Snowden:I don't want my whole family to know that this has happened. Um, if I leave, you know our whole community. We're going to still go to the same schools with the kids, and so they need to share their story. They should not be keeping this inside. It is so destructive and counterproductive to keep the story inside, but it needs to be with a safe group of people.
Teri Craft:Oh, I have clients all the time tell me. I can't tell you how amazingly safe it feels to know that I'm not alone in this anymore, that there's somebody else who can do the BS monitor with me, that's right.
Teri Craft:And it feels as if you know I have got a team and if I say something or do something that you know we can kind of like hold space for that and it's like the BS monitor can kind of go or you know, and it's just so great and that creates such safety, you know, for people. So I think that's really good to know that. Yes, there can be a care team After our process and we started speaking around the country and basically around the world and just talking about you know the potential for change and you know restoration, I would tell people if I look back and I go back, you know 15 years of our life together, my personal life. I'd spend a million dollars if I had it to just go back and do the work before we went off the cliff. So good for people to hear who, who are listening where. It's like number one, you're not crazy. Number two, there is a way through this. It does sometimes cost money. It is sometimes financially difficult.
Kristin Snowden:It will say to. Another beautiful thing about bringing in professionals like us is we know the betrayed partners are detectives. Yeah, they could go work for an FBI agency, for an FBI agency.
Kristin Snowden:but when you're living in such an unsafe, uncertain environment as a betrayed partner, you learn skills in detective work right Finding out what your partner's been looking on the web looking through paperwork, searching cars, looking at their phone, even hire private detectives or investigators and so there is a relief and a safety that can come from saying, okay, now my betraying partner is seeing James and they're going to talk three times a week. Yeah, that's right, and they're going to be in a group two times a week. That's right.
Kristin Snowden:And he's got a BS monitor that's right and he's going to have a regulation on how his recovery is going and there's just a a a autonomic nervous system. Relief that I don't have to be the detective.
James Craft:That's right. Every guy I work with they think, if I tell you the truth, it's going to be catastrophic and we're going to go back to ground zero. No, you're going to go back to a healing. It's in a herd, you have to do some repair work here, but you're not going back to ground zero. You're just not doing it, unless it's something catastrophic, obviously. So it's huge.
Kristin Snowden:As we all know, this is tough work, right. It is you can't help sometimes feeling like does everybody lie, does anyone believe in monogamy, is everyone capable of being a diabolical liar, et cetera, things like that. So there's always a part of you that gets really cynical. But what always keeps me going in this field is when you find relationships restored and actually that's not even a good word, restored, because it's, it's something new entirely Restore gives this idea that at one point was working and then it broke, and then you go back to working again and it's it's redefined.
Teri Craft:It's redefined.
Kristin Snowden:It's that thing that was missing in your heart and your soul and your connection between you and your primary partner that you didn't even know was missing. That's right.
Kristin Snowden:And so I do this work. Because there's these two people that move along in life and, again, they don't even realize that they're lying, they don't realize that they're drowning in a shame swamp every day. They realize that they're only willing to operate with like half vulnerability and half authenticity and they're they're not even comfortable with sharing their day with their partner, because they don't trust them or share jokes or anecdotal thoughts and feelings with their partner, because they've just grown so far apart. And it's like who is this person? Well, this is the person that helps pay the bills and helps raise the kids to.
Kristin Snowden:After the nuclear bomb goes off and everything's destroyed and obliterated and I'm in the fetal position and he's over. Here. I come in and I help re-educate and redefine what connection can look like, what intimacy can look like. Help them understand that intimacy isn't, by the way, just like sex and physical touch. It's a willingness to let the person see. All of you, you get to see my good, my bad, my light, my dark, my passions, my fears, and can you love me in the entire package.
Kristin Snowden:And what is actually pretty profound that I see is once the nuclear bomb goes off, and we do know the truth, we know what our partner's capable of and they've seen me in the not so great state because I've been in full trauma mode is we've kind of been able to see each other at our absolute worst. We we know. Like that the mystery is solved. We know what we're capable of being in our absolute worst. You can either be completely afraid of it and run for the hills when you see it, or you can say, okay, if this is the worst, let's pull our sleeves up and see what we can do with this Because now I know you, I see you.
Kristin Snowden:There's nothing else to hide and can we build something from this? And when I see that happen, I remember that. That's why I do this work, because we all know everyone's imperfect. We all know that we blow it Like. I hate to tell you how the story ends. I tell my kids this all the time. I'm going to disappoint you, you're going to disappoint me, but it's when we can hang in there and say I didn't mean to. Can we fix this and then the two pull together to do that. That's the beauty of humanity, in my opinion.
Producer:If you are walking through a betrayal, we don't want you to walk through it alone.
James Craft:James and Terry and Kristen Snowden committed the mission of their lives to walk alongside you in this journey is having an affair, or is dealing with sexual addiction through pornography, or is doing something else sexually outside of the context of marriage, and you're faced with the reality of your world being flipped upside down on your head and you're feeling all alone. You're feeling despair, you're feeling like what you signed up for it got thrown out the window, stomped on, and you are now bleeding to death right now. I say it that way because that is the reality of people who are dealing with betrayal or a cheating relationship. And all of a sudden, you get to this place of saying I didn't sign up for this, and I understand that. What do I do next? Do I just pretend that it's not there and hopefully we can kind of mend this thing together and and then just move on? Well, those don't typically last, by the way, and or it's not fulfilling in that relationship, and so we need to address the issue at hand. How do I do that? Do I just go and confront my husband or my wife and do I just go, kick down doors and make it happen? Well, typically, that is something that doesn't always work either, and so we have to be able to do this alongside someone else. Now, confrontation is part of relationship. We all have confrontation, and you're going to confront your spouse. You just found out, you found out the reality of what's going on, and so that's the conflict. But then how do I deal with this? My encouragement here is this is one you never do it alone. This is where we need to seek out one professional help. There are people out there sex therapists, coaches and others who can come alongside of you, who can advocate for you specifically as you navigate this territory ahead. Now I'm gonna make this personal my relationship with my wife. We're celebrating 32 years of marriage.
James Craft:Now here's the deal, though right in the middle of that is when I was the one dealing with sexual addiction and I had the affair and my wife had to navigate a treacherous season with our relationship, and it wasn't just overnight that this took place. She had to find somebody, and we did. We found wonderful people that came alongside of us, specialists in this area, to be able to navigate this territory with us. She was able to have people that could speak wisdom and understanding into this subject matter. It wasn't just a bunch of friends that would go out and get a drink together and be able to just vent and get a drink together and be able to just vent and get it all out. That's important for you to have those environments, but it's those who can say, hey, let me now tell you what to do next. You got to have those people in your place too.
James Craft:We want to have some understanding of what's going on. There's great resources like soul refiner, that you can understand what is sexual addiction all about. You might never even heard of this terminology and you might have to have some awareness of what this is. It's not to justify what your spouse has done, but just to understand that you're not crazy. You're not crazy because you might be thinking in your marriage all along you know what he's been doing and how he's been treating you and how he's been gaslighting you that you're crazy. You're not crazy, and I want you to hear this very clearly, because so many people walk through this thinking that they're the ones crazy because their spouse is gaslighting them.
James Craft:You need to have some understanding and be able to grow in your comprehension of what this subject matter is, and you might need to have some books that can give you hope of what to do next and have some for the future. What does this look like for me. And the next thing you need to look at too, is that you don't know what is going to happen in this relationship. So many people go into this understanding of their spouse cheating on them and you're thinking, well, okay, we're just going to get this taken of someone their spouse cheating on them, and you're thinking, well, okay, we're just gonna get this taken care of and we'll move to the next stage and we'll have a happy marriage from this point forward. You don't know that. That might sound really disheartening to you, but the reality is you don't know what the future holds. You don't know what your spouse is gonna do. He or she might run away. I don't know what the future holds. You don't know what your spouse is going to do. He or she might run away. I don't know. It might turn into a destructive behavior, and you just don't know.
James Craft:So my encouragement is is that you just stay present. Be present with what you need at this time. You need to be cared for, and that's why it's so important to have right people around you to care for you in these next steps. You need to be protected at this time, not for yourself, but you're doing it yourself, but other people come alongside of you to protect you, because the boundaries have been obliterated, they're gone, and so we need to regain some of those boundaries so that you have a safe environment. And then the last thing I would totally encourage you to do is to open your heart to what God has for you.
James Craft:Man, it's tough, it's tough alone, just to do this as humans, but we have to have something beyond ourselves. There has to be something beyond our own nature that gets us to the next level. So, wherever you are and whatever you're experiencing is, I would just encourage you to open yourself up to something bigger than you, because you is not good enough. But beyond you, god can give you something today a peace that carries you through very difficult times, and then hope that will carry you through the next journey ahead. And then it's a joy that you can be filled with today to be the person that you're called to be, with or without those around you and your spouse or family members who have done this damage to you.
James Craft:But it's always going to be coming back to the basis of this you can't do this alone. You just can't do this alone, and you can't do this in secrecy. You find yourself in this place of despair and just complete destruction, as I described. Your world has literally been flipped completely upside down. What you thought was normal is now not, what you thought was stable is gone, and what you thought was your future together and what you're working towards is all flipped upside down, and you don't even know which side is up and which side is down, and so you have to be able to have a resource or connection with something that's stable and is secure, and we have an organization called Life Unplugged that helps people just like you, or just like my wife and I were at one time, and the reason I always bring my wife and I because sometimes it's important for you to realize it's not just book knowledge that my wife and I have learned and credibility and education and certification.
James Craft:We've had to walk through this ourselves personally, and so our organization is wrapped around that. It's been formed around that. It's this personal experience that we're able to now bring with alongside other people, along with our education and certification. But it's like we understand, and so we have an organization with other coaches that can come alongside and say we understand where you're at Now.
James Craft:Let me take you by the hand and navigate you through steps one, through whatever it is, to get to the final place where you feel like you've been healed and restored and it's not just for you, it's for your spouse as well, if they're willing, because our whole ultimate goal is to see restoration take place. Well, what does restoration look like? Well, it's different for every person. If someone's in an abusive situation, it might be separation, and I know that's a very tough thing to hear, but we have to have a place where it's safe and it's healing for individuals. Our ultimate goal is to see marriages restored, and so we have a passion for you and a place for you to go, and you can go to our website at livelifeunpluggedorg and you can reach out directly to us and get connected.
Producer:Marriage- Health with James and Terry Craft. If you feel like you need someone to come alongside you, a coach or a counselor, reach out to us. Link is in the description.
