Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
With backgrounds in therapy and coaching, James and Teri Craft help your marriage through issues with communication, intimacy, conflict, or if you're just fighting to fall back in love with your partner. Aside from their certifications, the reason why James and Teri are so passionate about helping your marriage through challenges is because they've walked through the hardest things in their marriage and they wouldn't have made it if it weren't for help.
If you are fighting for your marriage, don’t face this fight alone.
Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
You're NOT Crazy --THIS is the Top Sign They're Micro-Cheating
Have you ever felt a twinge of unease when your partner's phone buzzes? Discover the top sign of micro-cheating, cushioning, and behaviors that subtly erode trust in a relationship and learn how to set healthy boundaries. Gaslighting, manipulation, and even abuse are often present in relationships with micro-cheating, infidelity, or emotional affairs.
This episode explores the importance of communication, trust, and love in a marriage or exclusive relationship.
If you feel like you might need coaching our counseling, please visit https://www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
Signs you are a micro-cheater. You save the number of a person with a name of the opposite sex that they are, so your partner doesn't get curious if the calls or texts come in.
Random Talk Show Host 2:Oh, that's okay If you're not actually going down that path with someone, though sometimes I understand why somebody might do that. Why? Because okay. So a lot of people in relationships are jealous of friends of the opposite sex and that's it. You're just friends.
James Craft:There is no way. I'm sorry, and if anybody ever came against me on that, they're full of it, right?
Teri Craft:The only people that come against that kind of stuff is if they want to have the right to be deceptive 100%.
Producer:As you can tell from this extremely random example from this talk show, people have varying opinions on what's okay and not okay when it comes to micro-cheating, cushioning or relationships outside of your marriage that go just a little too far. The only correct reaction to this behavior is hell no, many people think it's complex.
James Craft:I don't. Your spouse makes you feel like you're crazy for wanting to look through their phone Red flag right away. You're not crazy.
Teri Craft:Well, you know I'm sort of doing my partner a favor by're not crazy. Well, you know I'm sort of doing my partner a favor by not being completely honest, because you know they're the one getting upset. That creates what we would call an intentionally manipulated reality, and that is so painful to be on the receiving end of that.
James Craft:That's a red flag. You're not crazy?
Teri Craft:There's a part of your soul that's being ripped apart.
Producer:If you've experienced micro-cheating in any form from your partner, you might feel crazy, but your feelings are real and it's okay to trust yourself, so you're allowed to make that ultimatum to your partner when you don't feel safe.
Producer on Set:You don't even need proof, you just if you don't feel safe, you're allowed to make the ultimatum.
Teri Craft:Well, here's the deal.
Producer:Going through this can feel crushing if you don't have any help to turn to. These are the crafts, J james and Teri. They don't know how the internet works, anything about YouTube, tiktok or social media, and that's okay, because they know a bit about something else Marriage. In fact, they've helped some of the most influential couples in the world, and they've also helped couples going through the hardest situations imaginable. The reason why James and Teri are able to help couples go through really hard things is because they've been through it themselves and they came through the other side. They've been through it themselves and they came through the other side. The greatest marriage podcast ever Marriage Health with James and Teri Craft. How did you find this video?
Teri Craft:This was on YouTube.
Producer on Set:You just searched microcheating yeah.
Teri Craft:I basically just searched micro-cheating and this came up.
Producer:Even for those who agree that micro-cheating is wrong, they might still be asking what constitutes micro-cheating? Where's the line where my partner has gone too far and I should actually say something about it? Whether it's relationships at work, social media, pornography we'll cover all of it in this episode and if you're experiencing this at all in your relationship, we're going to show you exactly what you can do about it. But first, before we can get into any of this, there's one thing we need to establish. We've actually already said it three times in this video You're not crazy. You might show crazy, you're not crazy. There might be valid reasons you're feeling concerns.
Teri Craft:Statistically speaking, the amount of people that are experiencing gaslighting and deception from their partner because of things like media, social media, pornography, even texting, social circles, is very large. So percentage-wise, there is something to say when someone does feel that that's happening. I want to validate that because, statistically speaking, that number is pretty high. Most of the time in the world it's the gaslighting partner that makes the partner who's experiencing the unsafety feel as if they're crazy. Okay, fine, yeah, you think she's crazy, got nothing to hide.
Teri Craft:Research shows that partners are the biggest genuine meters that exist. So I can sense in my body as well as in my intellectual thought process, I can sort of detect things that feel either right or off. So if I'm in a relationship with somebody who is having a conversation with somebody on social media or across the world or something, and they are denying that or gaslighting around that I'm going to sense that. I'm going to feel that I have to be able to at some point be able to say I might be hearing different things that are saying that that's not happening, but I trust what's going on in my body. I understand that there's something off and we need to work on it because something's off.
Producer:One of the biggest areas where things can become off is at work, and this can cause a partner who's experiencing micro-cheating to feel hopeless, as if there's nothing they can do about it.
James Craft:Someone goes to work and they're spending eight, nine and maybe 10 hours a day at their workplace, okay, and they're with a coworker there. You have this relationship that becomes sometimes isolated, right.
Teri Craft:Yeah, yeah, it happens everywhere.
James Craft:They come home and they're with their family just for a couple hours, if that A lot of people individuals start to have deep relationships with their co-workers. They're there for eight to ten hours a day with them. Majority of their waking hours are with their co-workers. Cushioning can happen very easily. It can be very innocent per se, where someone can just be overly nice to a specific person and you become very familiar, very familiar, very friendly with one another, and it turns into kind of a flirtatious experience where you say kind words or you joke and you have these inappropriate comments that you are saying that you would never say if your spouse was present with you. And so it's very easy to take place specifically a lot of times in the workplace. Because it's a protected environment where there's no accountability to that, they start to have these cushioning experiences or relationships.
James Craft:No one knows about this. So why not just have a little bit of fun and experience, not thinking of where this was going to lead them down the road and if you could project it down six, 12 months, 24 months into this complete full-blown relationship? No one really thinks about that. They just think about what they're experiencing in the here and now. If anybody knows our story, they know that's what happened to us. It describes us perfectly. But ultimately it was just I wanted more, wanted more, never thinking I would cause. I vowed I would never do something like that, you know. But if people want to know more about that, go buy our book.
Producer:They can buy our book, all right.
James Craft:Exposed by James and Teri C Kraft. You think it's innocent? It's not innocent, it is like poison.
Teri Craft:Yeah, and the way that some of the people were talking in that video was kind of joking and funny 200% yeah.
Producer:You made me lie. It's your fault. Look what you're making me do. I don't want to be this way.
James Craft:All right, my question is when they're talking, they're like, well, that doesn't sound like, you're just like joking around in the office. And then, all of a sudden, he read the description of what it was.
Random Talk Show Host:Small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship.
James Craft:And they're like, oh, that's a different story. Yeah, that's blatant. Sometimes we focus so close, All we see is this. But when we take the blinders off and we back up, we're like wait a second, this is really bad. Yes, and when you see it, For sure, and if I look back at my life, I was so focused on this kind of looking through a small little hole and I was just all about success and I didn't back up and see the big picture In my actions. I almost lost you, our three beautiful girls, our future. We lost a lot, Trust me. We lost a ton in our lives, but we didn't lose each other and our family and we had to walk through hell to get to the other side.
James Craft:If you really saw that picture, is it worth the microchipping? Is it worth it? You don't see it that way because all you see is this you see this little kind of a peephole. You know to some, you know joy. That sounds horrible. It sounds horrible. That might not be a great answer. I know that sounds horrible. It's not like I'm a peeping Tom.
Teri Craft:I'm like maybe we should just cut that one For someone who is in a relationship that they feel like this could be happening.
James Craft:I think at the receiving end right. Yeah, the partner side yeah.
Teri Craft:I think at the very onset we need to be truth seekers and if we're going to have a healthy marriage, there just needs to be more accountability around this.
James Craft:How do they do that? Do they go and crack open their phone and be able to do some investigative work, you know, to check out emails and text messages?
Teri Craft:And if you're in a committed relationship, especially marriage relationship, if someone won't show you their phone, 100%.
James Craft:Red flag.
Teri Craft:N-O.
James Craft:Red flag.
Teri Craft:Okay, and this is coming from people who have walked through this- Just big N-O, I'm sorry. You can give any explanation that you want, but it's a big N-O. There's going to be probably some gaslighting around that if somebody doesn't want that pattern of behavior to be exposed. So I think that at the end of the day, we we have to be able to, as partners, go like I'm in the picture. Yeah, my experience is important. Yeah, I don't feel safe.
James Craft:Okay, there's something off. Yeah.
Teri Craft:And I'm experiencing that.
James Craft:So let me ask you what if the one who's doing the micro cheating says no?
Teri Craft:Right, Then what I would always say is is that then partner, guess what? You have not lost your power to get help yourself. So that means you might need to get some support, coaching, counseling. What do boundaries look like? Do I have decent boundaries? Have I had decent boundaries?
James Craft:But if someone says no, you cannot look at my phone, that means they're probably not going to go into a counseling situation with that spouse.
Teri Craft:Probably not Right Exactly, but. But that doesn't mean that I can't.
James Craft:They need to go pursue it themselves, absolutely.
Producer:Yeah absolutely yeah.
Teri Craft:Get into a support system a support system, yeah, and and and. Get some help around that Cause there might be some parts of that that really are truly maybe abusive because there is gaslighting going on or they're lying. Get yourself back in the picture. You matter.
Producer:Yes.
Teri Craft:You're not crazy.
James Craft:Yeah 100%.
Teri Craft:That's what you're experiencing.
Producer:The number one question that's asked whenever someone feels like their partner is hiding inappropriate relationships or a pornography habit or secret social media activity is this should I be allowed to look at my partner's phone?
James Craft:There are many people who, in their marriage, this is off limits with their spouse or anybody else. You might find yourself in this place right now, where your spouse makes you feel like you're crazy for wanting to look through their phone, and I would say to you you're not crazy. There needs to be full transparency, and this is something that my wife and I. We know each other's passwords and codes. She can pick up my phone anytime, at any place. Look through my social media. She can check it out. It hasn't always been that way.
James Craft:There was a time where I would make it very difficult. I would carry it with me everywhere I go. I'd put it in my pocket. I would never leave it out and about. It would always be with me. I would take it into the restroom in my car. I would have it always on me so that it was never available to be seen.
James Craft:I can tell you that's a red flag when someone is living their life protecting what's in this thing, and so it's important for this to be transparent within your marriage. You're not crazy for wanting to see what's on this phone. You're not. You're not crazy for wanting to see what's on this phone. You're not. You're not crazy for wanting to go on your spouse's social media Because if you can't do that, then what else are they hiding from you? No, secrets Can't have any secrets. We can't have a private life here and have these accounts with this or that and seeing things that your spouse doesn't know about. No, this is a joint endeavor. Together, I believe with all my heart that if this is a place a spouse says no, you can't look at that red flag right away, you're not crazy. You need to be able to see what's going on so that the phones and technology, tablets, computers and so on and so forth this is an openness to say, hey, you can see who I'm talking to. There's a deep respect towards each other with that.
Teri Craft:Social media in general can be a huge, monumental problem in a coupleship. Like, if you want a marriage that is healthy, then social media between the two of you needs to feel comfortable for where you both are and it's not going to be exactly the same Like one partner may have had some traumatic experiences with social media, or if you're going through a repair strategy in your relationship and I'm dealing with a bunch of people on social media, I mean that's going to feel like micro cheating in a sense, because it's having us have communication with people that there's no accountability. It's not out in the open per se. What I'm saying is is that you know. You know when you click on something or you reach out to talk to someone and it's deceptive. You know because I think we all know when we've crossed a line. Now again, if, if, if there is a legitimate, unintentional mishap that something happens, like on social media, a healthy marriage relationship is going to sit down and talk about it and say, okay, these are the boundaries we feel unintentional mishap, that something happens like on social media, a healthy marriage relationship is going to sit down and talk about it and say, okay, these are the boundaries we feel good with. These are the boundaries maybe we need to put in place. Then we go forward with that.
Teri Craft:The problem comes when someone says I know the boundary but I circumvent it, meaning like I go around it. And that's where there's a problem and, to be honest, the person who is being deceived, it is totally felt. We've talked about this before in terms of communication. Communication is felt If your partner is being deceptive, you're feeling it it's not genuine, it's not authentic, it's not living in truth and peace. Listen, I sit with so many people on a daily basis and it makes me almost emotional because it is absolutely devastating. It feels as if you're not seen or heard, which we know is one of the most primal needs that we have as human beings is to be seen and heard. And so I will sit with people who are kind of caught in that habit or that trap, and I know that if they intentionally want to change that, they can.
Teri Craft:But if there's a person who's like it's just no big deal, it's just what I do, it's just how I act, it's just my personality, you know those kinds of things where it's sort of like we're sort of, you know, gaslighting everyone around us, like it's not a big deal that I'm doing these things. That's a different story. That denotes, okay, we need more help with this, we need more support, we need to work through this as a couple. And so if somebody is honest and they're going to be truthful and say, hey, you know what You're right, I do that sometimes and you know what I'm realizing, that's hurtful to you.
Teri Craft:I'm seeing your pain, I'm seeing that that impacts you and I don't want to hurt you and so let's get some help for that. I need to get some help for that because I'm seeing that that's not just like me being social or that's part of my personality. That's actually me needing something in a way that's unhealthy the way I'm getting it, and so I need to be responsible for that. But if I have a couple that comes in and the partner saying I don't feel safe and we start unwrapping that and the other partner is like I just don't want to have anything to do with this, I don't really care, that's already saying with how they feel about their relationship.
James Craft:If you're married and you have kids, it's not just your spouse, which you said you would be loyal and to death do this part right but it's your kids. I had three daughters and we had to walk through a devastating season where my girls looked at me and they knew the truth was going on and I had to own that truth and, to be honest, that is not something you want to walk through. It is the most painful experience when your wife, my wife, you and my girls had to be able to experience that and I saw it firsthand.
Teri Craft:And I can't say that if you would have said to me hey, Teri, you know I'm struggling in this area, I've gotten to maybe too familiar of a relationship. Before it gets too late, I want to say something and get some help, I can't say that I would have been oh, thank you for telling me. And now let's go and, you know, sail off into the sunset. I probably would. I would probably react with some feelings oh yeah, right, so let's just take the bandaid off now.
Producer:Yeah.
Teri Craft:Feelings aren't going to hurt you, though Like this is. This is so important for people to hear. Feelings are not good or bad. They are. They inform us. So feelings oftentimes obviously dictate some of our behavior. Well, if somebody is feeling something and they react of course they're feeling sad or hurt or scared or unsafe Well then, what you do with that is you get help and support. So that's what adults do, exactly so that's what we want people to hear. It's like learn from people who've walked this road.
James Craft:That's right yeah.
Teri Craft:The feelings are they're real. They're real. They're for a reason. They're for a reason.
James Craft:Can I just be frank with you. That's probably as in my personal life and I'm going to be vulnerable. I think this is something important for people to hear. That's probably one of the hardest things for me.
Teri Craft:Yeah, I'm sure Is what when I'm yeah, I know it is.
James Craft:I don't like it when you're. I don't like when you're sad. You know I have a hard time with it and I'm saying that I've grown a lot in those areas where I get able, I typically can hold it with you, and so it's hard for me, so I sometimes like to avoid those things. Now I've worked really hard at that, so I moved towards it rather than away from it. Okay, and so if I step away for a second, I'm really quick to turn around and come back into it, because I realize that's not the way I can do that. I got to turn back into it.
Teri Craft:Be truthful, right Be truthful. That's what it is.
Random Talk Show Host:Yeah.
Teri Craft:And even if the truth is hard and it includes feelings and it includes potential reactions, you can work through it.
James Craft:That's right.
Teri Craft:Because feelings come and go. We can get support around that, but isolation is the kiss of death, and we say that to everybody that we work with. Isolation is the kiss of death, and that's really pretty much what we're talking about with cushioning and microchaining.
James Craft:That's right.
Producer:Fortunately, not every partner who is confronted with these challenges will respond with humility. The truth is, gaslighting is a typical reaction. These hard situations might require hard boundaries.
Teri Craft:And you know the boundary then becomes if you want to be in a relationship with me, then this is what I'm saying, that I need because something's off.
Producer on Set:So you're allowed to make that ultimatum to your partner when you don't feel safe. You don't even need proof, you, just if you don't feel safe, you're allowed to make the ultimatum to your partner when you don't feel safe. You don't even need proof, you, just if you don't feel safe, you're allowed to make the ultimatum.
Teri Craft:Well, here's the deal.
Teri Craft:Feeling safe in a relationship is so complex, right, it's so there's so many aspects to it, and so my answer to that question is is yes, of course I can say for me to be in this relationship if I don't feel safe, then I need to request from you that that you meet me partway, and that might mean that we need to get some support around this, some accountability around this conversation, some accountability around the fact that that I feel like what you're saying isn't lining up with what's actually happening in reality.
Teri Craft:And I'm going to tell you right now, whenever there's a relationship where there's deception and there's gaslighting, you're always going to be isolated, so you're always going to be pulled back from whatever it is that could actually bring some truth to that accountability, or something that could expose whatever deception that might be.
Teri Craft:That could be small or it could be some something big, but the bottom line is is that you know we were just defining, you know, micro cheating and, um, cushioning all those are kind of like the entry level behaviors that open greater doors to, eventually, full-blown cheating and betrayal, and so it's totally okay for me to say I don't feel that something's off, Something's not right and I don't know exactly what that is, and I'm I'm willing to explore and be accountable for what I'm experiencing. And if that is something that I need to work through because maybe it is something I'm working through, Maybe that is, maybe it rests on me, Maybe there's things going on in my life that's making me feel fine Then let us sit together and get the support that we need to. But if that, if that person is completely shut off, with any kind of of willingness to come in and and create greater safety, then the relationship is pretty much stuck at that point.
Producer:Marriage Health with James and Teri Craft. If you feel like you need someone to come alongside you, a coach or a counselor, reach out to us. Link is in the description.
