Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
With backgrounds in therapy and coaching, James and Teri Craft help your marriage through issues with communication, intimacy, conflict, or if you're just fighting to fall back in love with your partner. Aside from their certifications, the reason why James and Teri are so passionate about helping your marriage through challenges is because they've walked through the hardest things in their marriage and they wouldn't have made it if it weren't for help.
If you are fighting for your marriage, don’t face this fight alone.
Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
The Truth About Compatibility in Relationships (and How to Build It)
Is compatibility in relationships something you're born with, or can it be created? Join us as we challenge the age-old belief that similar personalities are a must for happiness. We sit down with marriage experts James and Terry Craft to explore the dynamic nature of compatibility and how intentional actions can build it over time. Learn about the critical roles friendship and communication play in sustaining a strong bond, and why differences between partners should be viewed as opportunities for growth rather than barriers. Through real-life examples, we highlight that compatibility is an evolving process requiring continuous effort and dedication.
Discover the power of the IEQ-9 Enneagram assessment in understanding personality traits and relationship dynamics. We dive into the nine Enneagram types, focusing on our personal experiences as an Enneagram 8 (the Challenger) and an Enneagram 7 (the Enthusiast). By sharing our unique traits and how they impact our relationship, we offer insights into transforming conflicts into constructive dialogues. We also recount personal stories about embracing each other's differences and working together as a unified team. For couples seeking deeper connection or facing challenges, this episode provides valuable perspectives on fostering authenticity, confidence, and peace in your partnership.
If you feel like you might need coaching our counseling, please visit https://www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
Is a shy person better off with another shy person or an outgoing extrovert?
Teri Craft:Is a careful, organized and moody person more compatible with someone just like them, or should they find someone who is their opposite? One of the first questions we face when we begin dating or thinking about taking a relationship to a deeper level is related to compatibility.
Producer:The idea of compatibility can be magical. Someone who gets you, who sees you, enjoys time with you, someone who says, babe, you are my world, can also be hard to tell if you have it or not. So we're going to talk about compatibility.
Teri Craft:Not all compatibility is created equally. This is a really good article, chris. We don't know who you are, but we love your article. Happy couples have been found to have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
James Craft:That's a Gottman by the way, All couples have been found to disagree to one degree or another about money, sex, kids or time.
Teri Craft:The healthiest, happiest couples in the top scientific studies all showed that they encountered conflict.
James Craft:Relationship experts agree that there are no completely compatible couples. This is why experts who study relationships often say that such compatibility is overrated.
Teri Craft:So, in summary, you don't have compatibility, you create compatibility.
James Craft:You don't have compatibility, you create compatibility.
Producer:I'm not supposed to lie because I'm the voice of a person, but this video isn't really about compatibility or how to find your perfect match. It's actually about how to build connection with someone on a deeper level by finding out who you are.
Teri Craft:You know, a lot of couples come to work with me and James and the compatibility issue comes up, usually right after some. Whatever the major thing is, like there's been some kind of crisis or there's a communication breakdown, an intimacy issue. Then the next thing they'll say is we're just not compatible anymore, they're not connecting with me, I'm feeling alone, there's no empathy. You know there's been some kind of rupture and, by the way, we're just not compatible anymore. Then, all of a sudden, for a lot of couples that thing kind of rolls in the back of your mind, kind of like maybe I need to look around for someone else or start doing things like cushioning and micro-cheating emotional affair, because somehow we're not compatible anymore. And it's sort of a justification. There's gonna be no way that you're going to be compatible, 100% compatible, with somebody for the rest of your life. You don't have compatibility. You create compatibility. You don't find compatibility. You grow compatibility. You don't lose compatibility, you stop growing compatibility.
Producer:If you're watching this, then you might be feeling like the compatibility in your relationship has died or you're wondering if you ever had compatibility at all. Walking through this is really hard. It's common, but that doesn't mean it's not hard, unless you have help. These are the crafts, J james and Teri. They don't know how the internet works, anything about YouTube, tiktok or social media, and that's okay, because they know a bit about something else Marriage. In fact, they've helped some of the most influential couples in the world and they've also helped couples going through the hardest situations imaginable. The reason why James and Teri are able to help couples go through really hard things is because they've been through it themselves and they came through the other side. The greatest marriage podcast ever Marriage Health with James and Teri Craft. What's the best personality combination Shy ones with outgoing ones, outgoing ones with other outgoing ones?
James Craft:He just said. It doesn't mean squat. People ask it all the time Do I have to have the same personality as my spouse or my partner? Science shows no, it doesn't really matter. Many people say, well, we're just not compatible. I absolutely can't stand that language. We're just not compatible. I think that't stand that language. Weird is not compatible. I think that's a bunch of bull crap, personally, because then, when were you compatible? Were you ever, or did you just jump into a relationship because it was like a Nicholas Sparks kind of movie? What do you want? It's not that simple. What do you want? Yes, I watch Nicholas Sparks movies. Okay, I have a house full of girls. Compatibility is something that is a process. You know because I know that. As for you and I, as we've grown older, we've had to be intentional to grow in our compatibility, now more than ever before. Then we were when we were 20. Okay, when we're in our 20s and when we were first married.
James Craft:For sure we were married at 20 years old for crying out loud. That was young, it was.
Teri Craft:Maybe not suggested for everyone. Yeah, exactly.
James Craft:But we had to learn how to grow. It was something of intentionality to continue to grow in our compatibility with one another. Yes, it's not just a one day, oh, we're just compatible with one another. Or one day, you know what, we're just not compatible anymore, right no?
Teri Craft:we both had to make an effort and I think that we both have personalities that are, you know, sort of adventurous and fun, and I think we've got a strong friendship, which is a big deal, and we talk about that a lot is you know, friendship is really the core and key to a lot of of really healthy marriages. But it's funny because if you were to sit down and have you write out all the things you love to do and all the things that were actually very different, very, very different.
Teri Craft:I think the misnomer for people is is that compatibility is something we had and we don't anymore, and so that's an excuse right, that's an excuse then to to look at everything else that might be really hard and sort of then make all these other decisions that come out of it. Some of them could be hurtful and harmful.
Producer:When you face hard things in your relationship, it can almost make you feel better to accept the idea that you and this person you're committed to just aren't compatible. If I had just been with someone with these traits instead, I wouldn't have to live with these hard things. But swapping out your partner doesn't usually resolve those hard things. What does Finding out who you really are, finding out who your partner really is?
Teri Craft:One of our mentors and you know just we love her to death. Nancy Houston, you know, worked with us for many years in a coaching relationship and I remember her talking to us and we were struggling a little bit with having some conflict around our personality differences. Yeah, and I don't think anybody had ever, until that point, had ever stopped long enough in our relationship with the two of us to help us through that. We bumped up against the fact that there were parts of us that still were clashing.
Producer:Yeah.
Teri Craft:And we were like are you serious? We're still clashing right, yeah, totally.
Teri Craft:And I remember being on the phone with her in tears and just being like are you serious, we're still clashing, right? Yeah, totally. And I remember being on the phone with her in tears and just being like Nancy, I just sometimes, when he talks, it's just so harsh and blah, blah, blah, blah and you know, and I just want everything happy. And she's like, oh, okay, and she just so, just such a velvet hammer. And she's like okay, I have, I have, I have something I want you guys to explore. Okay, she goes. I want you to explore your personalities a little bit more. She goes, because some of this, I think, is stuff you need to still work through yeah right, some of those traumas that we're still working through.
Teri Craft:But she says I want you to explore your personalities. I'm like, okay, because they're definitely not the same. No, but we can definitely connect as well.
Producer:Okay, wait. Is compatibility about personalities or not? I thought it didn't matter what kind of personality we have. It doesn't. What matters in your compatibility is that you commit to learning who each other are.
Teri Craft:Understanding the facets of our personality, understanding who we are in our adaptive strategy, the way that we show up in the world, is extremely important. And then the second thing would be how does your partner show up in the world? What is their personality? What is their adaptive strategy? Nancy Houston, she was. I want you to take the Enneagram.
James Craft:She was.
Teri Craft:It's just. It's it's an adaptive strategy. It's a really good assessment tool. I think it'll be helpful.
James Craft:Adaptive strategy. Explain adaptive strategy because we need you, kind of that's a quick term throughout there, but adaptive strategy is really important for people to understand.
Teri Craft:Yeah, so when you talk about adaptive strategy, it's like how I learned to sort of play my role. It's how I learned to show up in my world. Yeah, but there's a lot of blind spots around that. 100%. So we took the IEQ-9. Ieq-9, yeah, we love the IEQ-9. We'll have the-.
James Craft:It's the most I think, most comprehensive. There is a cost to it. We don't get a dime for it, so just understand that.
Teri Craft:Yeah.
James Craft:But it's a cost, but you get what you would pay for.
Teri Craft:Unless they want to do a partnership with us.
James Craft:That's right.
Teri Craft:We love the IEQ-9. He's got a great podcast called Typology, so anyway, the IEQ 9 is a really good one. We took the couples.
James Craft:So it was kind of fun. Yes, exactly, you could do the individuals and if you pay for it, they actually combine them into a couple's response.
Teri Craft:And it was kind of fun. So I'll explain the Enneagram just a little bit but I don't want to spend too much time on it. Basically, bottom line is there's nine numbers and they represent different sort of like I'm going to call them adaptive strategies or ways that we show up in the world Personality. You know, a lot of times we'll we'll equate that with with personality. But it's great because it shows our blind spots. It shows even the ways that we also adapt and go into our wings, meaning like the numbers next to us. But it's funny because someone has said in the past I think it was Nancy that was helping us she said an Enneagram 7 and an Enneagram 8 are a really fun, energetic couple. They'll take the world in a really positive way. If it's not great, they'll like explode.
James Craft:Take over the world and destroy it.
Teri Craft:Yeah, it's like we're just very in in whatever we're feeling. An 8 is the challenger right. So for you you're the front leader, you're going out there. The seven is the enthusiastic encourager. I'm usually like wanting things happy, but it's funny because someone said you guys are kind of like Elf and Rambo 100%.
Teri Craft:I'm like absolutely yeah. So here's some key words, because the reason why I think we're doing this is because we want couples to understand conflict doesn't equal broken and I think differences don't equal destruction. Differences are something that we can celebrate, and I celebrate your differences now To the most degree.
James Craft:There are times yes, there's sometimes, when I'm my differences that are not healthy sometimes.
Teri Craft:Yeah, that's, that's a reality so I'm gonna read your enneagram keywords as an eight and you can read mine okay enneagram eights.
Teri Craft:These are are keywords. Assertive how do you feel about that? Yeah, confident and direct. Type eights are comfortable saying what they need to say. We're usually like dad, you go tell the guy or girl that we need to change our seat at the restaurant, or whatever. Like you go do it. Assertive. Decisive Yep, absolutely Protective yes, they are big hearted and protect the people and things that they care about, but they will also fight against that as well, right, no? And then they fight against injustice, which is totally correct, 100%, I can say that.
James Craft:Independent yeah, yeah, that's me to a, to a degree. Yeah, to a degree. I don't like to do things by myself, though A lot of times but that's your attachment, All right. What about me? The first Enneagram. The keyword is optimistic at the highest degree, which I love because there's always a silver lining.
Teri Craft:I always I love your optimism. Yeah.
James Craft:You actually will bring joy to my heart with your optimism.
Teri Craft:Flexibility. Why'd you? I don't know.
Producer:I felt like the snowman in Frozen, that's right.
James Craft:Why'd you pause? Because I'm thinking in my mind yes and no. Well, I'm a woman. Come on now.
Teri Craft:I can be flexible if I want yes, yes, yes, I think I'm adaptable.
James Craft:Yes, you are there, we go there we go, but you're flexible, you're flexible.
Teri Craft:I think so.
James Craft:You're more flexible than I am sometimes. Yeah, yes, I think so. Future oriented, yes, oriented, yes, absolutely. My gosh, you're already planning our vacation for 2029, right now Exactly.
Teri Craft:I like to plan vacation. We talk about that a lot. I'm like a big vacation planner. You're always planning the next vacation, even if you don't go on it. They say about sevens that we go on our next vacation to plan our next vacation Practical. Yeah, I would say so.
James Craft:Yes, you are and you're like whatever works, this is to get the job done. It's very practical and then adventurous, 100%. That's where you and I have connected deeply on I'm a very adventurous person as well.
Teri Craft:I'm just not. I do have some fear. You just don't do danger. Yeah, there's some. Do have some fear. Yeah, there's some, yeah.
James Craft:But to go explore, like this summertime, you and I are driving from the Pacific ocean to the Atlantic ocean in our van. If some people think we're crazy for driving that much, but we actually like it, yeah.
Teri Craft:We got a like spinner van we're going.
James Craft:That's right, so we can go explore. We love it.
Teri Craft:Yeah, but you know what's interesting, you and I, so sometimes my optimism and my enthusiastic and forward thinking has been hard for you, because you're like more concrete and you're like more assertive and you're like, hey, I need you to hear me where. I'm at and I'm not right. I'm trying to silver lining it.
James Craft:Yeah, yeah, and I've seen this being decisive as an aid. Yeah, I was like I'm going to make a decision here than here, and now let's make a decision here than here. And now let's make a decision, because if we don't make a decision here, there's no way we'll go to the future.
Teri Craft:Right, so we got to make decisions right now.
James Craft:Let's make the decisions and get on with it.
Teri Craft:But I sometimes I'm like, oh, that's kind of harsh. Like I feel like you know that, that that pulls me back, Right, but you know what In our healthy places, when we're able to accept those.
James Craft:I have learned this. This is growing in my compatibility with you. Right, I'm learning along the way is to allow you to research just like James. Get over yourself.
Teri Craft:Yes, and your research is. A lot of times you're on your phone researching.
James Craft:Like I'll mention one thing like, oh, you know what we should probably think about flying out to South Carolina. You were already on your phone looking at flights and I'm like you're not talking to me, what's going on? Because I want to be connected. And you're like, oh, I was just looking at flights, you know, because you brought it up, so I thought I would do that for you.
James Craft:That's how you think. You just think, well, I'll just find the information out and give it to you what you need. That bothered me for a lot of years.
Teri Craft:Yeah, it did. You thought I was distracted.
James Craft:I thought you were distracted and you didn't really care about me. Yeah, until I got over myself and I realized wait a second, your personality, that's your personality and I want to embrace that in you. Now, when people are listening to us, right now you're thinking, oh gosh, all right you know, gagging with a spoon.
Teri Craft:Oh, but no we will go to 50. Not, we don't actually go to 50 cups, but we will say things that other people probably only think because we, we are passionate people.
James Craft:We're very passionate, yeah.
Teri Craft:So we've had to learn how to have some boundaries around that. Both of us right.
James Craft:Can I tell the story? Oh no, there was one day at our house and if you know us, there was nobody else in our house, but we started going at it. The front door was cracked open and all of a sudden, you know we're like what is going on, because we heard the door creak. Our dear friend Lori shows up to the door, yeah, and then we realize, oh no somebody just heard us we've been discovered, yeah she, yeah, she was so great.
James Craft:We can talk loud if you want to say it that way, and we can be very expressive, but the key about how we operate is that we always circle back into the focus of going forward together. It's not circling back to walk different directions, and I believe that any kind of personality can do that. You can have a shy person, introvert to an outgoing person who's an extrovert, and they can have this wonderful blend together in their relationship and be curious on how the other person operates and then come and serve the other person where they're at. It's like, hey, I'm there with you. It's something that you have to be curious about. It's something that you have to be willing to learn about. I want to come alongside of you and that we can be one.
James Craft:The Bible talks about that. It says we're to come to be one. I mean, that's just. It's a beautiful perspective and my wife grew up in a different family and I grew up in a different family, so we came from different backgrounds, different experiences, but by the miracle of God, we came together. We are very compatible with one another that we are completely different in so many different ways.
Teri Craft:If I'm trying to be compatible with my partner or we're trying to cultivate that compatibility, it doesn't mean that I want to change who I am. I'm not supposed to change. I don't have to like be someone different because maybe I think that I'm not good enough or I'm insecure. No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that it's just really good to understand who I am. We want to be authentic and genuine in who we are. We want to feel like we're showing up wholeheartedly with others. A wholehearted, confident, peaceful person is always going to be more attractive and more fun to be with and that translates into a relationship that starts to also exude a wholeheartedness, a calm, peace, compatibility.
Producer:Marriage Health with James and Teri Craft. If you feel like you need someone to come alongside you, a coach or a counselor, reach out to us. The link is in the description.
