Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
With backgrounds in therapy and coaching, James and Teri Craft help your marriage through issues with communication, intimacy, conflict, or if you're just fighting to fall back in love with your partner. Aside from their certifications, the reason why James and Teri are so passionate about helping your marriage through challenges is because they've walked through the hardest things in their marriage and they wouldn't have made it if it weren't for help.
If you are fighting for your marriage, don’t face this fight alone.
Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
How Anger Kills Intimacy (And Setting Boundaries Builds It)
What if enduring your partner's anger outbursts could be silently eroding your mental and physical health? This episode bravely confronts the often-hidden issue of rage within intimate relationships, shedding light on how repeated instances of a spouse's uncontrolled anger can lead to severe anxiety, depression, and even physical ailments like IBS and ulcers. We explore the normalization of such toxic behavior due to past experiences and internalized beliefs, emphasizing the crucial need to recognize and voice these struggles for true change to occur. With personal reflections and professional insights, we reveal just how damaging recurring anger can be, often more so than other significant relationship issues.
Through real-life examples and candid discussions, we dissect the underlying emotions that often fuel anger, such as fear, and stress the importance of self-assessment and healthy management techniques. From deep breathing and journaling to addressing unresolved childhood issues, we provide actionable strategies to break the cycle. Furthermore, we highlight the power of setting boundaries and taking responsibility for your own well-being, underscoring that recognizing your worth and inner strength is essential for fostering healthier, more respectful relationships. Tune in to understand the impact of anger on relationships and learn how to pave the way for real, lasting change.
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Is it okay for my spouse to have anger outbursts?
Teri Craft:Is it okay for my spouse to have anger outbursts on me? You know, anger can kind of almost seem like it's normal, like, oh, it's normal for my spouse or my partner or even a family member to completely rage on me. But what happens in someone's life is that I start to have things like stomach issues. I start to have things like IBS, ulcers, losing weight, gaining weight, I can't sleep, things like anxiety, depression, feeling empty inside, can't reach my goals, feeling powerless against my fears. I feel alone. I'm really struggling, like what's wrong with me. But if I was to step back from my situation and realize that if someone's turning their anger and rage on me regularly and I'm feeling powerless against it, it's affecting me and I'm going to feel it.
James Craft:Your spouse has an anger issue, an anger problem, and that anger is projected on you because you're the safest person in their life. If they did it to their boss if it was their job a friend they would be they forget you. And that anger is projected on you because you're the safest person in their life. If they did it to their boss, they would lose their job. A friend they would be they'd forget you. And so you've stuck it through and you're in it. But the challenge there is that every time you are a target of their anger, it's like taking a knife and you're being filleted and you're being sliced to pieces. And you come back and you heal back up, because there's a period of time, days or even hours where there's not and then you feel like, okay, I'm feeling a little bit better and then boom, it happens again. Or it can be really repetitive where it's just every single day.
James Craft:I have sat down with so many people in life that anger has been such a destructive mechanism in their relationship, in their marriage and relationships. You gotta understand destructive mechanism in their relationship and their marriage and relationships. You got to understand this. You have a voice and I want to help you and advocate for you. I don't care if you're a male or female here. We want to advocate for you that you have a voice and that we want you to use that voice, no longer carry that pain and that trauma, because it's destructive.
Teri Craft:Speaking up about that is the only way that that change is going to happen.
Producer:Marriage Health with James and Teri Craft.
Teri Craft:Some of us who have been around, people who have been dysregulated for a long time, especially in our childhood sort of developmental years, anger can kind of almost seem like it's normal. But if I've been desensitized toward what anger is and has done in my life, then sometimes, if it's sort of a normal occurrence, it can be happening and it feels really terrible and hard and I don't like it. My body maybe tenses up or I get those horrible feelings in my stomach where I feel like I've got to run pain, I'm scared, all of those fight or flight sort of mechanisms go off. But if it seems normal in our mind, like our perception, like it's okay that someone talks to me that way, because it's kind of always been that way, then what happens is is that I sometimes continually put myself into that without saying something about it, not using my voice, about where I'm at, how I'm experiencing this, and over time that becomes trauma. That's an overused word right now but legitimately, if there are these sort of little whacks, we would call them over over time, or little ruptures that happen over time, all of a sudden I'm really struggling and I can go like what's wrong with me. But if I was to step back from my situation and start to take a deep breath and realize that if someone's turning their anger and rage on me regularly and I'm feeling powerless against it, it's affecting me and I'm going to feel it.
Teri Craft:A lot of us feel as if we can't really do anything about that. I think that's what I mean by the powerless, the powerlessness and something you know. It's kind of just this is all I'm good for, or I'm not worth anymore. Or if I stand up and say that this is not okay when this anger's coming at me, well then I might lose this relationship and I'm terrified of being alone. Or I'm absolutely not comfortable with conflict, conflict to me. Maybe growing up was dangerous, or maybe conflict was used to push me down or oppress me. So conflict in my current relationship well, that feels very scary.
Teri Craft:So when I'm faced with the fact that my body and my mind feel broken because of this anger and rage coming at me, but I feel like I can't do anything, things are going to get to a point where it's almost like an intersection, and so I want to speak to the person who's feeling like they're at an intersection right now and it feels excruciating, but making a choice to get on the other side of it is also just as scary. Well, I I have sat with many clients, um, and, and of course, when I'm working individually, you know they're predominantly women and they'll tell me like my husband is, and then maybe it's some big, major thing. My husband's, you know, recovered from addiction, maybe even there's betrayal trauma, and they're like what's more painful than anything? You know there's two that come up, lying and anger, and they're like I can even handle some of those other things and work through them, but the repetitive sort of like continued drip of trauma that anger can really manifest in someone's life is extreme.
James Craft:Yeah, yeah, that's probably been in our relationship. Main piece of recurring trauma in your life is my anger. I don't punch holes in the wall, I don't go violent aggro, but I can become kind of a sharp with my words and aggressive with my actions. Of my words, I've said this in videos before, but you know my wife. When she told me, james, you got a problem and it's not me, that was a rude awakening for me because I thought it was I was her, but it wasn't. It was me, it was. I was the issue. I thought it was her, but it wasn't. It was me, I was the issue.
James Craft:I had to deal with my own demons inside the pain, the trauma, the experiences that I've had. Why do I try to achieve so much and try to be the best at everything, and when I don't, I feel like a failure. And then, when I feel like a failure or I feel like I'm being abandoned, I turn on somebody with my anger. Well, who was that person I turned on? Well, primarily, it was my wife. First, what can I say to my spouse when he or she is losing their cool and all of a sudden they're reacting?
James Craft:they're saying things and they're saying vicious things, or they might be shutting down and their anger is making them isolate and it just becomes stone cold and they're stonewalling you and you feel it. You feel the tension in the room. One is I would love for you to pause and ask yourself, first of all is this hurting me? What is this doing to me? Is this causing pain in my life? One I want you to ask that because you know many times, many people will, first and foremost, go to somebody else's care. What's wrong with you and how can I help you? And blah, blah, blah. I want you to ask yourself the question is this causing me pain? Is this causing me more trauma in my life?
James Craft:I'm not asking you to run for the hills, but I'm asking you to identify with yourself. What is it doing to you? Is it hurting you? Is it causing you to back up, down, isolate, cry, emote in some way? Is it causing you to feel immense pressure inside? Well then, I want you to be aware of that.
James Craft:Where do you feel it in your body? Do you feel it in your chest? Do you feel yourself burning in the chest or in your stomach? You start to have this amount of stress here and you feel like almost you have burning ulcers in there. You're clenching your jaws, or your neck is tensing up or you're clenching your fists. Look and feel where you're feeling this Because, one, the relationships that we have with those we love the most aren't supposed to cause us that stress and that pain.
James Craft:So if it is, you need to be aware of it, because it's not healthy for you. Stress is one of the main ingredients that causes dysfunctional things in our body cancer and so on, sickness and so on and so we have to realize whew, this is not good for my physical body. That's what I want you to ask yourself first. Second of all, I want you to be able to pause and look at your spouse or the person you're in a relationship with and say, hey, hold on a second, okay, when someone overreacts or someone underreacts, it's never really the issue at hand. So they're blowing their top and they're yelling, screaming, pounding things, slamming doors. It's really never the issue. It's really going on. If they underreact like it's no big deal, but you know it's tense. It's so cold in that room and you can kind of cut it with a knife and you feel it. It's not dealing with the issue If they're doing either, or we have to look at the real issue and say, okay, what is the issue here?
James Craft:Hey, what's going on? There's something going on at work, because you're projecting onto me and I haven't done anything. And it has to be something else, because you say that you love me and right now this is not your best love towards me. And so the great opportunity here is ask huh, if they're overreacting or if they're underreacting, they're never dealing with the issue at hand. What's the real issue here? Because obviously it's not me.
James Craft:You have something that you're working through. What is it? What support do you need? Accountability that you need to go to? Who do you need to get help with that? Because what you're doing is you're hurting me in the midst of it and I don't want to hurt anymore. When I was told that by my wife, it made me stop in my tracks because ultimately, I did not want to hurt my wife. If someone walked up to me one day and said James, do you wake up in the morning and just want to hurt your wife? No, I'm not a crazy man. It's the last thing on my mind, and so when I was addressed that way, you don't really want to hurt me, but you are. So what's the real issue? Because it's projecting onto me? That's standing up for yourself and directing it in the right direction, rather than receiving it and feeling that you've got to be responsible for it every time.
Teri Craft:Any relationship worth having is going to be one that has the capacity or the ability to grow. Anger is sometimes, in a healthy way, used to get us to the place where we can speak what our experience is. We can speak up for ourselves or we can hold our boundaries. You know, anger isn't always just this wholly negative thing. Anger can also be used in a very healthy, protective way.
Teri Craft:But if I don't know how to sort of work that in my life in a healthy way, then it's gonna feel as if oh no, I'm in this intersection and if I speak my mind or I say what's gonna happen, it's gonna destroy my relationship and that means it's over. And I wanna encourage people you have to be able to start a discussion, and a discussion is really important because if I have a discussion regarding how anger is impacting me, start a discussion. And a discussion is really important because if I have a discussion regarding how anger is impacting me and my partner or my spouse, they have any ability to have a growth mindset, meaning like I don't wanna do that, I wanna change. Then speaking up about that is the only way that that change is going to happen.
Producer:When's the last time you guys experienced anger as an emotion as a couple?
Teri Craft:This morning on the way to film a podcast about anger. Isn't that usually how it goes?
James Craft:Yes.
Teri Craft:Yeah.
James Craft:The last time we experienced anger in the car was this morning on the way to filming today, and you got really angry. Okay, I'm acting like a typical guy, I'm in denial. I was angry, I got frustrated and I got angry because I felt like I was being boxed in tell me more about that my wife was being out of control. No, yeah, you started poking at me.
Teri Craft:You started poking at me a little bit yeah, but was I really poking or was I just asking a question? We, like many couples, work with having to deal through situations where anger comes to the surface. I think, if somebody's going to deny that they're not in reality, no, they're not.
James Craft:I know what I can do. I can use my words to project out on you. So what was my tendency to do? I'll just say can we not talk about it at this point and just shut it down? Now, that's not healthy either. It's one extreme to another right. So a person can be explosive with their words or they can just shut it down and control it. And so where is that middle at when we can say, say, hey, can we meet here in the middle and have a, a, an adult-like conversation, you know, so that we can meet each other in a place of connection rather than um division?
Teri Craft:yeah, well, and let's be honest, as we've said before, anger is not, it's not good or bad. It's a, it's an indicator, it is right. Feelings come, feelings go. I mean, they're they're supposed to inform us.
Teri Craft:They're supposed to help us have knowledge about what's kind of going on inside and then we're supposed to, as adults, make decision from there. Um, the problem with an unhealthy anger cycle is is that I go from you know experiencing anger to action. That's my problem, right when I'm when it's you know going to either you know expressed or repressed yeah a healthy anger cycle is going to include something right in the middle of that, yeah, which is, you know me pausing yeah and doing some self-assessment and going why do I feel that way?
Teri Craft:yeah you know, and for a lot of people that looks different that could be taking a moment, taking a deep breath, kind of connecting inside. For some people that's journaling, for some people that's prayer. I mean, really honestly, it's like we've got to figure out how we can tap into what's going on inside. But if you want to be in an unhealthy anger cycle, you move from the experience to the action, which is almost always going to be damaging.
James Craft:That's right. It's almost always going to be hurtful.
Teri Craft:As an adult. We have to add one more step in there, which is some self-assessment.
James Craft:Yeah, it's important for us to realize. You know, I work with a lot of men and it's it's interesting to watch them get angry. Um, they don't look like an adult when they get angry.
Teri Craft:Right.
James Craft:You know they're calling people names, they yelling and screaming, they're stomping their feet. Yeah, what does that remind you of? A little, a little child. A little child that's out of control.
James Craft:You know that thrown a little temper tantrum, but that I don't want to minimize that because that typically, if we can identify that point of anger and that reaction is typically going back into their person's childhood.
James Craft:That's where they got kind of stunted in their growth as an emotional being shirt and they get pushed into a place they refer back to that little boy that felt out of control, abused, picked on like a failure, and that little boy is the one who's reacting. That little boy is reacting and so, rather than the grown man, and so what people have to do is and this is something I've had to do myself is go back into that place and identify where that was and be able to identify with that person, because it's the same person, it's just a different age group that you're in and because there was something broken down in the growth pattern in their emotional being, they never allow themselves to grow up. They grew up physically. You might be a very successful businessman, doctor, lawyer, whatever, but your inner person is still a child, yeah, you know, and that has to grow up and meet the adults and become adult-like, rather than being responsive of a child.
Teri Craft:Anger is the second thing that happens inside of somebody, which means there's something else that happens first. Usually it's fear. Now, when we're dealing with situations, we're thinking, yeah, my husband doesn't seem super fearful when he's yelling at me, but it might be that there's a fear of someone losing control of something. Right, or like, maybe it's a financial thing, or it's a fear of maybe someone's voice isn't being heard, or there's an insecurity, or there's something that feels like if they don't puff up right and get angry, they might also be alone, right, there's that sense of control. So sometimes I think it's really good to understand when we're dealing with anger. Most of the time we're dealing with a secondary factor, meaning there's something underneath the surface, there's something underneath the waterline.
Teri Craft:So if I'm dealing with someone who's repetitively getting angry, sometimes it's really good to have a discussion about what story that they're telling themselves. I have to sometimes get to the bottom of that before anything else. So if I'm in a situation and someone's getting angry with me, I might have to stop and go hey, what story are you telling yourself right now about what I'm doing? So, like, let's say, we're in the car and maybe we're driving. This has absolutely no personal application. I heard that. I heard that Because sometimes laugh. I heard that.
James Craft:Did it happen this morning?
Teri Craft:Because sometimes I have a hard time following the little blue dot. Okay, so that's my problem. And so sometimes, you know let's just take a personal example you know I'm in the car, my spouse is in the car and we're driving and we're lost in the middle of Dallas at night Because this never has happened. So I'm sort of like part of the equation. But what's really happening is that he's frustrated because things aren't going the way that he wants them to, because all of a sudden we don't know where we are. I entered the situation trying to maybe fix it. Okay, well, maybe we try to do this.
Teri Craft:And then there's maybe like an angry response. In that situation, if I'm able to, like, regulate myself first, I'm realizing that that anger has really nothing to do with me. At that point, that's something that's going on inside of him. So sometimes I'll just be able to say hey, like I, I get that you're feeling frustrated. I get that you're overwhelmed or you're afraid that we're not going to make it to our destination. Um, I want to help, but I need you to remember I exist in this situation and that it's really okay for you to treat me. Okay, you know, usually that'll kind of pop him out of that and he'll go. You're right. Oh my, you know usually that'll kind of pop him out of that and he'll go, you're right. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Right, because the anger, what wasn't really about the anger, and it really wasn't even about that not getting off the freeway at the right turn. It was about, I feel, out of control, I'm afraid that we're gonna be late. Right, because in his mind, his belief system, the story he tells himself because of his growing up is being late, is I'm going to be in trouble or there's something wrong with me, or it's something bad that's going to happen. So for him it's like those things are all part of the story. So if I allow myself in a situation to pause for a second and kind of understand that usually anger is the top part that shows up on the top but there's something else underneath, and if I'm able to sort of speak to, that helps almost a hundred percent of the time.
Teri Craft:Now, if I'm dealing with a situation where there's anger and rage coming at me and I'm trying to say, hey, I get it, but but please don't speak to me that way, that's really hurtful, that's hard, and someone absolutely doesn't care at all and there's, it feels almost abusive. Well then, that's a deeper issue, right? That's when we had. We have to have some stronger boundaries, we need to get some support, right, cause that that could be abusive, abusive. And if there is anybody who's experiencing that verbally or emotionally or physically, um, you know, that would be a really good thing to evaluate. Whether you know there needs to be some accountability, whether there needs to even be a situation where you step out of that situation and get safety and health. But if we're talking about the average everyday, like hey, you know, we're just there's just too much anger between the two of us. You gotta look deeper than anger. 100%.
Producer:Does it get tiring to have to be the person to feel like you've gotta regulate your spouse?
Teri Craft:Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know, I think that we get weary sometimes when we get in a situation where I'm having to keep doing that on and on and on right, please don't talk to me that way. Please remember that I'm part of the equation. Hey, you should be regulating yourself. I shouldn't be telling you all the time that that was hurtful. You should hopefully get that one on your own eventually.
Teri Craft:That's happening over and over and over and someone is not taking ownership or responsibility for the anger that keeps happening. And it happens. That's that's a pretty common thing with my clients at that point. Then that's when I have to be able to say that's where we need to have a boundary, that's where we need to have some support here. We need to get some counseling or some coaching, because you're not hearing my voice in a way that's affecting change and that part is now outside of my responsibility. I have to own my response. But now you're going to have to own your response. So, like, maybe you didn't intend to hurt me with your anger, but the impact is dismantling me and I have to have a boundary.
Teri Craft:And if the relationship, if you want it to be what it is now, then there has to be some accountability. Meaning we need to do some couples coaching or counseling, because it can't exist this way. And if you care, then you're going to have to hopefully have some kind of growth mindset. Meaning I don't want it to remain this way, because I care about you, even if I feel out of control, insecure, full of fear. I don't want to be, you know, submitted to a process. I don't want someone to tell me what to do. All those things right that come to our mind. If you care about the relationship, you're going to make the change.
James Craft:And we say this all the time because you know what we try to do things on our own and it doesn't really get us anywhere.
James Craft:There are people in this world us you can contact us, or the other professionals in your area to connect with, because you're going to have to navigate this properly, because setting up boundaries is really important. So, when your spouse is running out of control with anger, you're going to have to have boundaries established. What does that look like? Well, it's individual base, and if you're sitting here with me today, I would walk you through a process to find out what do those boundaries look like for you, so that you can establish a healthy life, a healthy environment for you to thrive, because we're not just called to survive, we're called to thrive in this world, and so many people are just trying to survive, and I believe that God wants you to thrive in everything you do, in everything personally, in your relationships and beyond. But it takes first of all to stop. Let somebody else in, give a different perspective and help establish healthy boundaries, because those healthy boundaries will help dictate what it's going to look like for you to live a healthy life.
Teri Craft:You know, I know a lot of people come to me and they say my partner's never going to change, it's always going to be this way. There's no hope here. And you know, I think the first place that we have to start with is we have to understand who we are in the situation, because at the end of the day I'm not responsible for their behavior. But I often sort of teach people how to treat me over time. I'm not saying that I'm telling them or I'm making them treat me poorly, because that is absolutely not the case. But if I remain in something that feels abusive and hurtful and I don't do anything about it, then I'm saying that I think that's okay. So when people come to me, the first place we start is here. Right, we have to start here, because if I say to a client, you just have to have to have better boundaries, just go, do a better boundary, it will be impossible for them to hold that boundary unless they first of all realize that they're worthy of holding a boundary or that they believe they have the strength inside of them to hold that. And that's where sometimes we have to realize that anger, the other side of unhealthy anger, is actually healthy anger, and sometimes I have to have a little bit of healthy anger in order to say wait a minute, foul ball, that's out of bounds. Ouch, that wasn't okay. We're going to have to have a boundary here and I'm going to have to maybe square my shoulders up a little bit. I'm going to have to pull up some of that healthy anger to say no.
Teri Craft:So oftentimes people will come to me and say I want my spouse to stop being angry and I need you to tell me what to do. And I'm like well, buckle up, because that's a process that begins with you Now. It doesn't mean that it makes their behavior okay or not. It just means that I'm responsible enough as a counselor and a coach to be able to know just telling someone to have a boundary doesn't change the situation. The situation starts when we, each of us, start to do the stuff underneath the surface. That makes the change.
James Craft:You know, this is something that we help people all the time with, because it's real. People are dealing with this all the time, every single day, and so I just want to invite you if you need help in this, you need to reach out. That's on you to be responsible for that, and so you got to be responsible for yourself. Who doesn't reach out to us? We have the information there that you can actually click on and go and fill out a form to say hey, I need help in this because I'm just stuck, and so we would love to come alongside of you to help navigate your unique journey, because you're different than the person next to you.
Producer:Marriage Health with James and Teri Craft. If you feel like you need someone to come alongside you, a coach or a counselor, reach out to us. The link is in the description.
