Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
With backgrounds in therapy and coaching, James and Teri Craft help your marriage through issues with communication, intimacy, conflict, or if you're just fighting to fall back in love with your partner. Aside from their certifications, the reason why James and Teri are so passionate about helping your marriage through challenges is because they've walked through the hardest things in their marriage and they wouldn't have made it if it weren't for help.
If you are fighting for your marriage, don’t face this fight alone.
Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
Marriage Experts: Jimmy On Relationships NAILED What Narcissist Love Bombing Looks Like
Have you experienced Love Bombing from a narcissist? Jimmy On Relationships (Jimmy Knowles) shared the PERFECT illustration of how narcissistic abuse can begin in a relationship without you even realizing it.
If you're in a relationship with a narcissist or if you are married to a narcissist, we know what you're going through. We want to show you exactly what you can do about it. It might not be couples therapy and change might not come through self-help books. It often requires help from a therapist or a coach solely focused on YOU.
Recognizing these harmful behaviors and establishing firm boundaries are essential steps toward self-protection and emotional well-being.
Navigating relationships with narcissistic tendencies is a complex endeavor, especially when the narcissist is publicly celebrated. We explore the importance of validating one's feelings and experiences, regardless of whether the individual exhibits clinical narcissism or merely narcissistic traits. Learn effective strategies like the empowering use of "no" and setting firm boundaries to maintain your dignity and peace of mind. We also discuss the potential for change in narcissists who genuinely seek help and the societal challenges faced by those dealing with a narcissistic partner.
Empowerment in relationships starts with a deep sensitivity to oneself and a desire for improvement. We emphasize the need for empathy, aligning personal values, and prioritizing well-being. Through personal stories and practical advice, we encourage listeners to seek support and take the first steps toward positive change. Resources like Life Unplugged can provide guidance during difficult times, affirming that hope and support are ever-present. Tune in and discover the path to reclaiming your identity and fostering healthier relationships.
If you feel like you might need coaching our counseling, please visit https://www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
Hey, it's great to meet you. So I'm a narcissist. Yeah, I figured out, if I'm charming and funny and give you lots of attention and affection, then I can get you to fall in love with me. Huh, yeah, it works especially well if you have a history of trauma where you tend to blame yourself, even though you're the one being neglected. I mean, you, by chance, don't struggle with a lot of boundaries and self-esteem issues, do you? I do actually Dang it Probably would have made a great pair.
James Craft:Wow 120,000%.
Teri Craft:It's pretty accurate.
Producer:Marriage health with James and Terry Craft.
Teri Craft:Makes you kind of giggle and laugh, but he makes this really easy for us to understand.
James Craft:So if you're in a relationship and you're with somebody who is very insecure, that insecurity is driven by fear. So what I'll do? I'll do whatever I can to make sure my environment is safe. For me Critical if you're in that kind of relationship because it's damaging to you.
Teri Craft:If the narcissist was honest.
Jimmy On Relationships (Jimmy Knowles):Hey, it's great to meet you. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, you too. So I'm a narcissist. Yeah, that would be nice if somebody was that honest.
Teri Craft:Really? Yeah, I figured out. Okay, so I'm pretending that is pretty spot on. If somebody has narcissistic tendencies, their whole persona at the beginning of a relationship is all about how can I get you to feel comfortable with me, and so I then change everything about me to make you feel disarmed?
Jimmy On Relationships (Jimmy Knowles):Oh, I'm pretending Really. Yeah, I figured out. If I'm charming and funny and give you lots of attention and affection, then I can get you to fall in love with me. Why do you need me to?
James Craft:Very true Narcissists controlling, controlling, controlling. They will do what they want to do or need to do to get you to be in a place where they're in control all the time, Because control is their middle name. You might be listening to this video today. You're thinking you know what? Yeah, my spouse is exactly like that Wine me, dine me, make me feel good to get something out of me, but once they get it, man, they turn it on me or they'll make me feel like a million bucks but treat me like a dollar bill, and it's not right.
Teri Craft:That impact is very, very, very hurtful to somebody.
Jimmy On Relationships (Jimmy Knowles):If I'm funny and give you lots of attention and affection, then I can get you to fall in love with me. Why do you need me to fall in love with you? Oh, because then you're less likely to leave Once I start lying and belittling and gaslighting you, shipping away at your self-worth in order to control and manipulate you.
Teri Craft:Wow. So what he's talking about is, you know, if someone has a narcissistic tendency, I've got to sort of disarm you. I'm going to try to make you feel safe with the words that I'm saying, with the what we call love bombing, meaning like I'm just giving you so much love, so much love, I'm giving you so much attention. You can't even believe that there would be manipulation, fabrication or insecurity behind that. It seems super secure, it's so secure.
Jimmy On Relationships (Jimmy Knowles):Yeah, it works especially well if you have a history of trauma where you tend to blame yourself, even though you're the one being neglected what he says here is actually statistically supported, meaning a lot of people in relationships with narcissists.
Teri Craft:What happens is is that if I'm desensitized in my own life because of my own emotional, relational or even sexual abuses that I've had happen in my life, because of some of the things that have happened to me, then it sort of desensitizes me to some of this behavior. Because, number one, it may seem normal because I've been in a narcissistic bubble, potentially in my life through my own development, or I have been so neglected and deprived of healthy relationship that I'm just seeking it so much that I sort of let down all of my healthy boundaries, if I have any. And I'm just seeking it so much that I sort of let down all of my healthy boundaries, if I have any, and I'm just letting that person in because it may be the first time I feel seen and heard, and so that's why I'm doing that. Those of us who've gone through difficult things in our story we can be sort of prey to a person who is in their own brokenness and woundedness, trying really hard to get into a relationship that they can control.
James Craft:A narcissist. They look at a weak point and they get right in there so they can have a hook of control and they'll manipulate that and all of a sudden that manipulation will turn to their advantage so that they have it or they can gaslight, or they can actually belittle or shame, push you down and so that you are sucked into their vortex. You wanna be able to have strong boundaries so that they can't manipulate you and control you.
Jimmy On Relationships (Jimmy Knowles):That sounds like abuse. Oh, it definitely is. Why would you do that? Oh, I'm deeply insecure. I can see that. Yeah, I have a massively fragile ego and a fear of rejection.
James Craft:So I'm 120,000%. If you're in a relationship and you're with somebody who is very insecure, that insecurity is driven by fear. So what I'll do, I'll do whatever I can to make sure my environment is safe. For me, it's critical if you're in that kind of relationship because it's damaging to you.
Jimmy On Relationships (Jimmy Knowles):Fear of rejection. So I've created a fantasy world in which I'm the center of the universe and everyone else is inferior. Well, thank you for telling me all this up front, before we formed a complicated trauma bond that would have caused me years of misery.
James Craft:And so true, because how many times people are in relationships, they are trauma bonded to their spouse who's a narcissist. And trauma bonding means in your trauma you start to connect and bond to this other person, almost a dependency with this person because they'll see good things, they'll see, you know, a strong leader, successful person, and they'll see all the things that they have provided, and so on and so forth. But ultimately they get connected to this dysfunction that they won't not let it control them any longer.
Jimmy On Relationships (Jimmy Knowles):I mean, you, by chance, don't struggle with a lack of boundaries and self esteem issues, do you? I do actually Dang it. We probably would have made a great pair. Yeah, I bet. Well, good thing you showed me these red flags up front. Well, if there's one thing I am, it's honest and transparent in the beginning.
Teri Craft:If there's one thing that I am is honest and transparent at the beginning, right, there is exactly where we need to start.
Producer:You know, I saw one comment where someone said I found out my spouse was cheating on me and I immediately became concerned about their emotions.
Teri Craft:If all of my life I have been desensitized, potentially, to some of these things happening. I sort of keep giving parts of me away little by little every single day, to the point where I'm like I don't even know my identity anymore. I don't even know why I exist. Everything about me is about trying to be safe in this relationship so that I don't end up in deeper fog. But if it goes on and on, and on and on, then that sets up a cycle in our relationship where one person feels pretty confident, in control and can sort of manipulate how that goes between love bombing and gaslighting, love bombing and gaslighting. That person might feel really great about this because they have the control. But the person who's receiving that? Their life just starts to be dismantled. Their identity feels gone, their purpose, you know, their body starts to break down and it just feels hopeless. And even within themselves they start to have a difficult time trusting themselves.
James Craft:For someone who is on the receiving side of a narcissist in their lives and say you're married and I'm going to kind of stick with the husband and wife. The husband may be the narcissist, it could easily be the other way around and the wife is the recipient of that narcissistic behavior and it's abusive To behavior and it's abusive To hear me. It's abusive Because what happens is that their voice, their identity, their opinions, their insight, it starts to be chipped away as if they don't have a voice.
Teri Craft:If you're in a relationship and you're experiencing narcissistic tendencies, or if someone is legitimately dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder, you're gonna feel as if there's a lot of confusion. You're gonna feel as if your voice has been minimized. There's this fog that you live in. Oftentimes we're gonna feel oppressed, as if our needs are secondary or non-existent. Another big factor is you're going to feel isolated All of a sudden. It's like I'm being pulled away from maybe safe other relationships or support systems that I have in my life. I'm going to feel as if I'm pretty powerless, my needs are not important, my voice doesn't matter. I'm going to feel as if I'm pretty powerless, my needs are not important, my voice doesn't matter, I'm isolated.
Teri Craft:That is excruciating in a relationship, because a healthy relationship is really the antithesis of all those things I just mentioned. When I'm in that place, it can feel very, very hopeless and helpless. Yeah, one thing I think that is really important sort of factor to bring in when we're talking about if somebody feels like, hey, I might be married to or in relationship with somebody who's a narcissist, we just want to make sure that we're careful, because it's a small percentage of the population that's clinically narcissistic or have a diagnosis for that, but there's a ton of people who have narcissistic tendencies right.
Teri Craft:And their partner may or may not be actually clinically diagnosed as a narcissist, but what I think is really good for people to hear is that doesn't minimize what you're feeling what you're experiencing. I am still getting pelted undone feeling the effects in my mind, my body, my relationships, everything.
James Craft:Yeah, you are with me.
Teri Craft:No.
James Craft:That made it sound like you were with me. Maybe I am.
Producer:No, I'm not a narcissist. No, no, no no.
James Craft:I've asked my wife many times, terry, am I a narcissist? And she'll look at me and she goes no, you're not a narcissist. Do I have narcissistic tendencies? Probably so, because when I'm in my raw form of not being caring, or it's about me, I'm self-preserving. That can be a tendency, but I'm not a narcissist at all. I have the ability to be empathic, be caring, kind, to put others before me 99.99% of the time.
James Craft:A narcissistic personality. They are sometimes the hardest to work with, but if you can see it for what it is and to invest in you so that you have strong boundaries See, boundaries are such a key component working with a narcissist they will push and push until you finally actually stop and say nope, pushing back, no more, I won't go there. And you use this great word nope, pushing back, no more, I won't go there. And you use this great word in the English language no, no Doesn't mean you're running away, doesn't mean you're gonna leave them. It just means no.
James Craft:No is no. I'm not doing that. That doesn't make me feel comfortable, that doesn't feel like it's honoring me, that doesn't feel like you're even thinking about me right now. And so it's important for you to stand up for yourself and use the word no. When an narcissist starts to be aggressive and be competitive no, I'm not gonna do that. When a narcissist wants to control, manipulate and actually push down no, no, I don't want that. I'm gonna have enough dignity for myself that I can say the word no, so that I can live with peace in my heart, rather than feeling like I'm worthless and I'm dependent on making you happy. If not, it'd just be a controlling game and they'll control you.
Teri Craft:When we're dealing with narcissistic tendencies. The partner who is on the receiving end of that has likely experienced a lot of their own trauma that desensitizes them to the fact that this isn't okay and that this needs to change if you're going to be in a healthy relationship and it can't remain this way. But sometimes it's really hard for us to even recognize it, because for a lot of our years maybe this is all we've experienced. And then all of a sudden I'm talking to some other people, maybe I watch a video on social media or I pick up a book and I start going wait a second. This isn't how I'm supposed to show up in a relationship and this is not how I should be treated in a relationship. Now I realize what I'm in, and now I have the awareness that I'm powerless and it's excruciating, and now I don't know what to do.
James Craft:I read a book that was talking about how most of our major companies in our world today or organizations, were founded by narcissists NFL, major league baseball, apple, microsoft people who are ultra competitive, always have to be on top.
James Craft:And I say that not to say, hey, let's identify all the companies that are narcissists as leaders. But it's interesting if you're in a relationship and your spouse is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies and they're very successful in their lives because they're ultra competitive, they have to be number one and they have to have a positive spotlight on them. Yeah, what happens is that the world around you is telling everybody how wonderful your spouse is.
Producer:Yes.
James Craft:And they're like guy, your spouse is incredible. You know, look what they've done. They've built this thing. It's like this organization is incredible. Look how successful they are. Blah, blah, blah, right. But then all of a sudden you're on the other side. The person on the receiving side of that marriage is like yeah, I wish they would build into me that way.
James Craft:I wish they would see me as the value in their life and that they would see this as successful, more so than they would see that as successful. Well, why is that? Because that brings them a recognition of that. I'm good, I'm great, I'm good, I'm great, you know, I'm successful. This here people don't get to see what's going on behind closed doors.
Teri Craft:Right, exactly, well. And I think some people say, oh, narcissists can never change. And there are some people, you know if they've crossed a sort of a clinical threshold of that most of the time people who are clinically narcissistic won't even step foot in the they won't go to counseling or finish. They'll often go to like five different therapists or five different counselors or coaches and say, like they all have a problem right. So I mean that's usually an indicator of some things as well.
Teri Craft:If there's somebody who's really trying and they're like, yeah, I think I've got these tendencies and I really want to change and they're stepping into a process and being willing even though they might be fumbling a little bit or kind of working through that process, you know, those are always good indicators that somebody could potentially you know get some help around this.
James Craft:That's right.
Teri Craft:As a person who sits with people whether they have been impacted by narcissism or people who are struggling with it like I have compassion I can sit with and I can hold both stories. So I know that a lot of commentators it's like we want to just like bash. So I'm not dysregulated by it, because I hold space for both and that might be controversial, but at the end of the day, I also have compassion for the person who is so deathly afraid of abandonment that they have to feel like they can't be themselves too. I mean, somebody's showing up and they're so afraid of the truth about themselves because of their insecurities. You know to the point where they all manipulate someone else, right, and so yes, it's there. It's a form of lying. It's a form of lying because whenever I'm going to lie, it's because I'm afraid, like that's one of my, it's a defense mechanism to lie. Their potential for a healthy relationship is very slim.
Teri Craft:If something doesn't change there Now, can that change? In some instances, absolutely it can change. In some instances it doesn't, because it only will change if both parties are willing to do that. Both parties are willing to say, hey, I want to grow, or I want to heal, or I want to change this because I care. So I'm going to do the work to do this because I care about this person sitting next to me that I say I love and I want to be responsible for my actions. Well, if somebody can't do that, that's not going to change.
Teri Craft:And at this point I think it's really important to understand that you always have the power and the choice to get help for you. I know that there is oftentimes a time or a financial sacrifice that plays into a healing journey, but nobody can take that right away from you. If someone says you can't even do that, then that constitutes abuse. That's the relationship that I want to immediately say. That does not sound safe, that does not sound in any way, shape or form okay and you need to get help or get out right. If someone is basically saying I'm standing at the doorway and I'm not even allowing you to get help anymore, that's a big NO.
Teri Craft:But if you're in a relationship where you're experiencing these things and maybe your partner's saying like you're the problem, it's not me, you're crazy, I'm the one who's stable, but you're experiencing exactly the opposite of that and you know that it's not true, then you get help and you get counseling, you get coaching, you get support. Get yourself into a group of other people who are experiencing this and you'll discover a lot of this hinges on you using your voice, you having boundaries, you realizing that you're not powerless. And if that partner, that person, your spouse, the love of your life, wants to do the work of change because you're realizing that you are worthy of love and belonging, then it's their choice to do the same. But at the end of the day, your miracle of healing and health exists, no matter what they choose to do.
James Craft:If you're in a relationship with a narcissist and you think, do we go to couples counseling or couples coaching, and I would stop and say hold on, hold on, I wouldn't go there right away. I would say let's do individual counseling first, individual coaching first. Because what happens is when you get into a group setting, if you have a therapist or a coach that doesn't have a backbone and a lot of strength to identify the manipulation, the control, what happens is that the narcissist will take control. They'll see weakness and they'll say you know what? I'll be in control of this and I'll make myself look good. Could that be destructive to you? Yes, 100%. So you got to be able to put yourself in a place where you're not going to be hurt again.
James Craft:Couples counseling probably wouldn't be the best scenario Now. Can it be? Yes, the more that the two individuals start to grow individually. That's when they can come back together later on and work on simple foundational work with each other. But that is not the primary focus at first, because that will be destructive. We got to do individual before we ever get to that place. That will take the truth and flip it so that it will always benefit the narcissist.
Teri Craft:When a couple comes to me or to James and I, there's a specific criteria, some things that we know work and don't work for a couple's environment. It needs to be safe. So you don't dive into a couple's process if truth hasn't been established, like maybe there's part of our relationship, I don't know what has happened. I've asked for truth. I know there's part of our relationship. I don't know what has happened. I've asked for truth. I know there's been potential betrayal or there's been lying, deceit, manipulation.
Teri Craft:I have been gaslit around that and told that I'm crazy or that, yes, there is truth that hasn't been shared and, by the way, you're gonna have to deal with it.
Teri Craft:That doesn't constitute a healthy or protective couple's environment.
Teri Craft:So the next thing that really is important in a couple's environment there needs to be a level of safety within our relationship where I can feel as if what I'm sharing like I'm not going to go home and there's going to be this retribution, that's going to be something that I'm not comfortable with, because if that's the case, when I get there I'm not going to share properly.
Teri Craft:It's not going to be a truthful environment, right? So if there's not some level of safety there, that's going to also be really not helpful and people need to understand that if they're dealing with somebody who has narcissistic tendencies, if I go into a couple's environment and I don't understand myself how to hold my own boundaries and how to sort of work with what it is I'm dealing with, then I'm the one who's kind of really showing a lot of emotion and the person who's dealing with the narcissistic tendencies are kind of just sitting there like what's wrong with you? If that sort of isn't managed to a degree or the professional on the other end hasn't been given that information and they're just kind of going with what's showing up in the room, there can actually be more trauma.
James Craft:So be wise before you ever make a decision like that and get into individual journeys. And you know what? If the narcissist really wants health between the two of you, they will say I'll do whatever it takes. I'll do whatever it takes for the two of us, but if the narcissist is saying this, no, I don't want to do that. We need to go to couples counseling. That's living out their narcissistic tendencies. They want to be in control.
James Craft:The bottom line is when you start to have a resolve inside of you, dignity inside of you and how you see yourself, with worth of self worth, your identity starts to become strong in yourself rather than dependent upon somebody else. They don't have a purpose a lot of times because they want to control that and that becomes their focus. Now you might be thinking I'm describing a monster that you see in the movies. Narcissism can be like a monster. You watch that clip that we were watching earlier. People would spit out their water when you call yourself a narcissist because they don't want anything to do with it because of the destructive behavior of it. Now this is where I believe with all my heart that God is a loving God that wants to bring healing to no matter who. It could be a narcissist, compulsive, obsessive, compulsive person, you know, ocd. Whatever it is, god wants to bring healing and soften those edges so that we can live in connection with one another.
James Craft:Now it takes someone. If they are a narcissist, it's going to take everything. They have to work on this. It's not something that you can just flippantly say, hey, I want to get better. You know, and I'll just kind of walk through this a little bit, we'll see what happens. You got to give your life to it because that behavior, a narcissistic behavior, is not conducive to healthy relationships at all At all. So if you're living with a narcissist, you keep putting boundaries in a place to have dignity and self-worth, where you're actually looking at yourself and say I deserve better than this. I'm not running away, but I'm going to put some boundaries up here and I'm not going to tolerate this abuse any longer. You deserve that. Now I want to encourage you to continue to pour into yourself so that one you can continue to grow in who you are, rather than it being dictated by somebody else.
James Craft:I've heard this many times in couples that we work with A person is married to a narcissist and they're afraid. They're afraid to push back. They're afraid to put a boundary up, even afraid to care for themselves, because in doing so there's a fear of losing their spouse. I just got to be frank. It grieves me because that behavior, a narcissistic behavior, has created an environment for you where you have lost hope, because you think in your mind and I don't say this lightly, but you think in your mind if I speak up, if I put a boundary up, if I start to grow myself and even love myself the way I'm supposed to be loved, I'm going to lose that person. Have you seen relationships heal or transform?
Teri Craft:Yeah, yeah, you know what? I have absolutely seen relationships go through the really hard work of growing and healing when there has been all kinds of different brokenness that exists. You know it's funny about narcissistic tendencies and or narcissism. It's kind of on a spectrum. When you meet somebody who has the potential for change, there's going to be a level of empathy that shows up in some way, right. I laugh and I always ask like, how would they treat their animals? You know how do they treat children? Tell me about. That shows up in some way, right. I laugh and I always ask, like, how would they treat their animals? You know how do they treat children? Tell me about their relationship with their family. How do they treat their parents? Is there a level of empathy there at all?
Teri Craft:If somebody has that deep sensitivity anywhere in their life and they have any level of curiosity and a desire for change, then change can come. To what degree? Of course, that's always going to be on a spectrum again. So it might not be that this is the most empathic person that you can meet. There might be other people that you meet and go gosh, they're way more empathic than my partner. But it's like, at the end of the day. You have to weigh that against your values. You have to weigh that against your family, your memories and all the things that you have maybe potentially built with this person, and it's like wait a second, we can dig in and we can do this work. But if somebody refuses to do that and they're completely feeling entitled to hold those tendencies as a self-preservation modus operandi and it hurts, it's abusive and they don't care, that's a totally different story.
Teri Craft:Oftentimes I'll refer to the fact that people need to get help and support, and that's why Life Unplugged does exist. We care deeply about where people are on their journey, both individually and as a couple. We are passionate about walking alongside individuals in a coaching relationship that helps an individual get unstuck with wherever they are, helps a couple get unstuck, helps walk alongside individuals and couples when they're in crisis. We offer that as a service, and so I give you permission, I encourage you. Sometimes we just need to feel like someone's giving us permission. Right, because we've held back so long on doing anything that has to do with us, because we're always thinking about someone else. We're always making sure everyone else is okay. Sometimes it's really good for someone just to go hey, okay. Sometimes it's really good for someone just to go hey, I release you, I encourage you, I'm looking at you, you are worth it. Get the help and support that you need first, and then walk that out, because there is hope and you are not alone.
Producer:Marriage Health with James and Terry Craft. If you feel like you need someone to come alongside you, a coach or a counselor, reach out to us. The link is in the description.
