Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
With backgrounds in therapy and coaching, James and Teri Craft help your marriage through issues with communication, intimacy, conflict, or if you're just fighting to fall back in love with your partner. Aside from their certifications, the reason why James and Teri are so passionate about helping your marriage through challenges is because they've walked through the hardest things in their marriage and they wouldn't have made it if it weren't for help.
If you are fighting for your marriage, don’t face this fight alone.
Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
The Secret of Happy Couples: Know Your Partner's Love Language
Ever wondered why your partner's loving gestures sometimes miss the mark? Join us as we, James and Teri Craft, unravel the mysteries of love languages and how they shape our relationships. We promise you'll gain a profound understanding of how identifying and intentionally meeting each other's love language needs can dramatically enhance your connection and satisfaction in marriage. Our journey will take you through the five love languages—acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation—and how misalignments can lead to frustration and feelings of neglect.
In this episode, we share our own experiences and challenges, highlighting the importance of communication and patience in bridging love language gaps. Discover how small acts of kindness and gentle reminders can foster deeper, more intimate connections, even when love languages differ. We also emphasize the critical role of self-observation and personal assessment, and how tools like online assessments can spark meaningful conversations with your spouse. Whether you're feeling disconnected or simply want to strengthen your bond, you'll learn practical steps to overcome barriers to love, starting with the fundamental belief that everyone is worthy of love—beginning with God's love, self-love, and extending to the love from others.
If you feel like you might need coaching our counseling, please visit https://www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
In your relationship if you're feeling there is something missing, it almost kind of feels a little bit like a neglect. And also if you are trying so hard and you're trying to show love the best way that you know how, but it feels like it just isn't working and you're frustrated, it's probably because you don't know their love language and maybe you don't even know your love language.
James Craft:If you don't learn your love language or your spouse's love language, it is a recipe for disaster for your relationship. Hi, my name is James Craft. I'm a certified marriage and recovery coach.
Teri Craft:And I'm Terry Craft and I am a professional counselor and a coach.
James Craft:We're about to take the five love language assessment Assessment right or test.
Teri Craft:Quiz I think they say five love languages quiz.
James Craft:We're about to take the five love language assessment quiz.
Teri Craft:Wait, no, you don't have to say quiz.
James Craft:I'm sorry. Yes, we're about to take the five love language assessment quiz test.
Teri Craft:And we are about to take the five love language assessment quiz test. And we are about to take the five love languages quiz.
Producer:Marriage health with James and Terry Craft.
Teri Craft:Whether or not you are familiar with what love languages are. The bottom line is that if you don't know what yours or your partner's love languages are and you're missing each other, it's gonna be really hard to give and receive love the way that feels authentic. It feels a lot like we are spinning our wheels, even if we're both really trying and trying to show up. Not knowing your spouse's love language and yours for that matter, is a recipe for disappointment in your marriage. I know what mine are?
James Craft:I think I do. What do you? What mine are?
Teri Craft:I think I do.
James Craft:What do you think yours are?
Teri Craft:I think I am a acts of service and also I like some gifts.
Jenna Mountain:All right, okay, um, I'm an adult.
Teri Craft:No, no, these are getting. These are kind of close. It's more meaningful to me when Terry.
James Craft:Terry well, wait, we're on camera. This is boring for people all this this is different than I thought so mine too is it really yes? I thought my number one was physical touch. Was physical touch. That's not my number one. What is your number one?
Teri Craft:You're not going to believe this. Words of affirmation no. Quality time yes.
James Craft:Me too, no way.
Teri Craft:The first important misconception is that I am going to give the love language they need and it's going to be easy for me. The bottom line is that you're likely giving the love language that you actually need, the love language that you actually need. So if acts of service is maybe my highest love language, then I'm often going to show up for my spouse in a way that looks a lot like acts of service, because that feels comfortable for me. That feels like this is love. I'm showing my spouse love by giving them of my time and being able to clean the whole house. Wow, I did all these errands for you and I organized all these things. Can you see how wonderful that is? And my spouse is like that doesn't mean as much to me as just sitting down and watching a movie with a bowl of popcorn, us just hanging out together.
James Craft:I thought it was always physical touch.
Teri Craft:I always thought I was acts of service. Maybe that's just because, as a mom, I've always just really appreciated help around the house. And you're head blown right now, kind of a little bit, yeah, but it's kind of making sense though.
James Craft:It totally does. When we were in college I remember living in Fresno We'd always go for late night walks together at midnight and just go spend time together.
Teri Craft:Yeah, our girls always say, mom, what do you want? You know, what do you want to do? I'm like, oh, I definitely want to go to just spend the day in Malibu or something like that. Santa Barbara, it's just things like that to me. Yeah, I can totally see that now. These are the five love languages. The first one is acts of service. Doing something for someone, that act of service, that demonstration that you're giving of your time and your effort, is one way that some of us relate in a loving relationship.
James Craft:Receiving gifts Now you don't need to go into debt. I'm going to encourage you please don't go into debt getting gifts. This is not just going out and purchasing new dresses or clothing or shoes, or even cars or this or jewelry. Sometimes gifts is a card, is a note, that's a gift to me and will help us just kind of remember oh man, I got something really special here.
Teri Craft:Quality time. I want to sit by the lake and just talk for hours. I want to binge watch Netflix together, be completely just in our own little world together. The best day for me would be let's go to lunch, let's ride bikes or let's go for a walk. I just want to spend time with you. I just want to spend that quality time.
James Craft:Physical touch is like this for me when Terry walks by me and she literally just takes her hand over my shoulders and she just gives me a touch like that that sends. And she literally just takes her hand over my shoulders and she just gives me a touch like that that sends, like chills down my spine, I feel affirmed, I feel connected with, I feel like she is paying attention to me, connecting with who I am. It just has a connection point with me.
Teri Craft:And the last one is words of affirmation that like well done oh my gosh, I just noticed that you did this today those intentional words of affirmation, words of encouragement. When you hear those words, when you get those affirmations, and it feels a lot like that's a demonstration of love, then you're connecting with words of affirmation.
James Craft:What happens with love languages is that people use that against each other. Well, mine's just physical touch and yours is not. And they'll say you know what? You just don't give me what I need. Your love language of physical touch is probably a lot lower than mine. We've had to be intentional about that, absolutely. Now, a marriage that's not intentional though it could be really devastating Like you just don't love me enough, you don't show up for me enough, you don't provide for me enough, and that's why people will go out and have affairs, you know, and they'll seek out other things because they want to have that physical touch but they don't invest in the relationship. Right Cause we have to be very intentional about that to make that happen.
Teri Craft:For sure. Well, and they eventually start to see that, as points of you know, contempt or neglect, it's easier for us now.
James Craft:Yeah, totally.
Teri Craft:Back in the day before, we built the resiliency in our marriage we took it personal.
James Craft:You know like it's. It's something against me that you aren't seeing me and you don't see who I really am. You don't really care about my needs. That's not the truth. When you and I started to live out a new authentic um expression to one another, we were curious what each other's love languages are. Exactly that's why I love to do acts of service for you. I know that it's one of your top ones. It has to be. I love cleaning the house and I I love to do them do the laundry, because I've learned how. That is a blessing to you, that that actually makes you feel good. Yeah.
Teri Craft:I one thing you always do.
James Craft:When you come home after I like I'll even vacuum and mop and you walk in.
Teri Craft:You're like I smell so good in here, so fresh, thank you, and I just love.
James Craft:I love hearing that. Yeah, you know that you are. You feel good about it does.
Teri Craft:I think it is an act of caring. Yeah, to me it's part of the trust. It's it, it builds trust with me 100%.
James Craft:When someone is number one, there is a physical touch on one person and the other spouse. Their physical touch is last, number five, and they're just on two different planets.
Teri Craft:Yeah, that's kind of us Exactly. I'm much more avoidant in those areas, Like I just don't think about it.
James Craft:You much more avoidant than in those areas Like I just don't think about it. You don't think about it. But then you started to realize how important it was to me. You know, not so that you cater to every one of my needs, but is to come and connect with me in that language of mine. But it has to be intentional. If you're not intentional about it, you won't do it Right. You'll just keep on living in your own path and you'll forget your spouse.
Teri Craft:So if I walk in the room and I'm not as demonstrative as you would want me to be, how do you deal with it? Differently now than you used to be?
James Craft:Well, two different ways. I wish I could say that I used to do this. I still catch myself doing it Is that when you don't come and give me a hug, I will turn to sarcasm.
Producer:You know, because when you eventually do give me a hug, I will turn to sarcasm.
James Craft:You know, because when you eventually do give me a hug. I would say oh my, this feels so good. You know it was so embarrassing that I would do that.
Teri Craft:You know, but I used to do that all the time, I remember, and it would make you feel foolish and make you feel less than yeah, it made me feel shame Like I wasn't doing it well enough instead of meeting less than yeah, it made me feel shame Like I wasn't doing it well enough instead of meeting me there.
James Craft:Yeah, exactly Now. When you do that, I just stop and I just shut up and I just experience the moment, because that hug really means the world to me and I love receiving hugs from you. Yeah, for sure.
Teri Craft:What if I blow past you and don't give you a hug? Because acts of service and doing things is much more attuned to me. So I'm thinking, oh, if I get all of this kitchen cleaned up or the countertops done, then everybody's going to come in and feel peace and you know. So I blow past you. Yeah, and you're like I just wanted a hug.
James Craft:My number one is now I. Obviously it's quality time.
Teri Craft:Quality time yes.
James Craft:Me popcorn ready to go. You know, the controls are on, the tv's on and ready to go and we're let's watch and you're doing the dishes right behind me, you know, because you're doing action service, and it just starts to drive me nuts. I'm like come on. Yeah, you know, I thought we're gonna sit down and be together and just hang out and just go kind of brain dead for a while.
Teri Craft:Yes, together so what do you do?
James Craft:help our listeners. Two different things, okay one. And I'm gonna say I wish I just say one thing, because I wish I did it right all the time.
Teri Craft:Well, you're human. We're giving some space for humanity.
James Craft:And there's times I get frustrated and I want to give up and I just say forget about it, I don't want to watch the movie anymore and I want to just throw in the towel and say I'm done.
Teri Craft:The numbers are way low on that.
James Craft:Because I realize there's no positive results in that. There's nothing good that comes out of that. It is creates more separation between the two of us. So I've really had to work on that. But the other results is this Okay, you want to get that done, and I know you do, and I always will help in doing those things. But there's certain times you just keep on doing more things to prepare for the next day. Right, and I've learned to live with that in a way of. That's who Terry is. Yeah, I accept your personality, that I know that you love to prepare for your next day and so that you can wake up in the morning, not running a hundred miles an hour, that's all ready to go. So I've learned how to do that. I've learned how to speak your language, so I don't come down on you and say, how dare you.
Teri Craft:You don't love me.
James Craft:Well, I've noticed you like, let's say that in that scenario, I've noticed you get up from the couch and come and help me. Yes, like you'll just like. Hey, can I just help you do the dishes. Motivation of let's get this thing quicker.
Teri Craft:Yeah, exactly. So you'll get up and help me, um. Or you'll say, hey, I was. So this is where communication comes in, which is so key to a healthy relationship which we're learning. So you'll say, hey, I was hoping we could watch this movie together. It's been a long day. Do you mind finishing that afterward, or do you need some help?
Teri Craft:or so the communication comes out of maybe the the initial frustration, whereas before it would be like you'd kind of simmer yes and it would more you'd kind of more take it internally as a personal affront and I would kind of do little pot shots with you.
James Craft:Yeah, you know little comments and it was just devastating. Yeah, it was devastating.
Teri Craft:Yeah, you know, you said that I sometimes will blow past you, you know, and that when it's like you're like, hey, you, then I just like blow past. A lot of times, literally it's, it's just, I'm not even thinking, when you have been patient and kind with me, instead of sarcastic about the fact that I sometimes are just like I'm not even thinking about physical touch right now, yeah, but you'll, you'll just gently, you know, kind of pull me in, or or say, oh, let's you know, come here, give me me in. Or or say, oh, let's you know, come here and give me, give me a hug, or something like that. I'm like, oh, yes, I love hugs, of warm hugs.
Teri Craft:And I and we'll embrace and it's like, oh, this feels so good, it's so good, but my, my initial like thought process just doesn't go there. So I have felt such grace and and kindness when you have been able to be patient with me that way and like, because it's lower on my language list, you've been patient with me as I've gotten there. So I, you know, I thank you for that and I think that listeners need to hear this. Where it's like we're going to be different, there's no way that all of them are going to line up perfectly. I mean maybe, but but there's a very small percentage.
James Craft:Yeah, I don yeah you don't normally hear a couple having the same moment.
Teri Craft:So there has to be some grace and some patience and when we've been able to pull each other in or be kind and take that pause and communicate, the love that we share is deeper and wider. And I know that when we had our interview with Jenna Mountain great interview, if you want to listen to a great interview and she was talking about how couples who've gone through things just you know tend to have a deep and wide relationship because they've done the work.
Producer:Yeah, Are you saying that couples that experience big problems and then work through those problems are happier from your point of view, than couples that never experienced problems?
Jenna Mountain:Yeah, those couples who really go all chips in to fix it. Their marriages are more glorious and beautiful and intimate and astonishing than any average couple with a really great marriage. Because they get forced into work by the pain and the not giving up. It's because we don't choose hard work unless we're forced to. That's right. That's right. I don't know a young married couple who opts into doing the level of work that my sexual pain and affair cases do.
Teri Craft:It's true because you know you've, you've, you've kind of gone into the gutter and then, and then you realize I don't want to do that again. So I'm much more patient and I take things less personally, yeah, because I'm like I just don't want to waste time anymore on that. I want to spend time with you and you know, there's going to be times it's going to be the way I want it to, and other times we'll flex, yeah, and we'll, you know, do new and creative things that you like to do.
Teri Craft:That's right. If we understand that our spouse's love language is different, then the way that I show up for them, like I really want to show up for you, like I want to do something genuinely loving and kind that you're going to receive as a love bid, then I'm probably going to want to know what feels natural for them as love In my relationship. I often show up in acts of service because that's comfortable for me but that's not as important to him. So for me I've had to learn how to pause and slow it down and realize he came in the house, spent a long day. He's going to just be so overjoyed. If I just look him in the eyes, I give him a big hug, like, hey, how are you doing? Let's spend time tonight together. After we eat dinner, let's watch a movie together. We'll just snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. Big win, because he's going to go. That feels so much like love to me.
James Craft:Start with you. You know you need to understand what your own love language is, how people connect with you, how your spouse does. Once you do know that and you see it, it's good for you to communicate it, because when you communicate it outwardly to your spouse, they're not trying to throw a dart in the dark. They're able to meet you there and connect with you there. What, if you like gifts, you know what, it's great to actually meet you there. It can cause frustration because it can kind of seem like they're kind of narcissistic. It's about them, you know, it's not about you. It can make it look like they're selfish, they're looking for their own desires.
James Craft:So here's my encouragement to you on this communicate and communicate. If you don't like that and that's not your love language, you need to communicate. Hey, hey, you know I really appreciate your thoughts and your efforts, but this is not my love language per se. You know, gifts not really my love language. But quality time, oh man, if you can give me quality time, that is like high on my list. And to communicate, that is so important.
Teri Craft:Honestly, it really can transform your marriage if you learn how each of you give and receive love and your expectations around that. One thing I really want to clarify as well is that you can have a primary love language, but you can also have a secondary love language, like myself. Okay, acts of service. That just means so much to me when somebody does caring things, but I also am so touched when somebody thinks through something and that little gift is brought to me. Some of my most precious gifts that people have given me have been things that they've made homemade gifts, things that they put their heart and soul into, and all of a sudden I'm given this gift, this caring gift that touched my heart. So you could also have more than one expression. The best way to look at it is you have a primary and then you have like a secondary. So of these five languages, you're probably gonna have a primary and a secondary.
Teri Craft:Some of the assessments that you can take online sometimes they'll even order them all, from one all the way to five Yourself and your spouse. You can kind of share that back and forth, maybe like, oh, I thought you were, or you know, I kind of think you are. You could kind of go back and forth and have a fun conversation with it. I use assessments all the time. They're super helpful, but I prefer a client. If I'm working with them, I prefer them. To start with observation. Start observing yourself in your environment, start taking an assessment personal assessment of what you're expecting, um in your own life in terms of love and the expression of love, and then how you feel might be the most effective way or the most successful way that you have given it to your spouse. Then, after you've done the observation for a bit, then take an assessment and see if that lines up with what you're observing in real time.
James Craft:I know that many people are experiencing the lack of love in their life. My heart grieves when I hear that from people, because you were created for a purpose and you were created for a purpose to be loved and for you to love. And some of you are listening and you have been lacking receiving that love and you feel so alone. But today I want to encourage you that you can be loved. You know, first and foremost you know, if you've been following this, the show is you know that we believe that God loves us with everything he has and, first and foremost, that you can be loved by God. There is where it starts, but then it also then moves into other areas where you allow yourself to be loved by God. Maybe, just maybe, where you allow yourself to be loved by God, maybe, just maybe, you'll allow yourself to be loved by you and then maybe then others your spouse, friends and family members because you're worthy of that love.
James Craft:If you and your spouse are just hitting a wall right now and you're just not connecting, you're just you're kind of banging against this thing about how do we express our love to each other, how do I receive love from my spouse and you just aren't making progress or headway there. I want to encourage you reach out. You'll find our website at the end of this video. Reach out to us. We want to come alongside of you and discover what are some of those blocks or those hurdles that are holding you back from experiencing that love for one another, or even starting with yourself and then with one another. But reach out to us because we want to walk alongside of you and discover that together.
Producer:Marriage Health with James and Terry Craft. If you feel like you need someone to come alongside you coach or a counselor, reach out to us. The link is in the description.
