Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
With backgrounds in therapy and coaching, James and Teri Craft help your marriage through issues with communication, intimacy, conflict, or if you're just fighting to fall back in love with your partner. Aside from their certifications, the reason why James and Teri are so passionate about helping your marriage through challenges is because they've walked through the hardest things in their marriage and they wouldn't have made it if it weren't for help.
If you are fighting for your marriage, don’t face this fight alone.
Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
Do You Have Avoidant Or Anxious (Fearful) Attachment?
Can understanding your attachment style transform your marriage? Join us in this enlightening episode of "Marriage Health" as we uncover the profound impact of attachment styles on relationships. We explore the pivotal questions that shape attachment: "Am I worthy of being loved?" and "Can anyone love me?" Learn how early childhood experiences and parental behavior lay the groundwork for secure, avoidant, or anxious attachment styles, and discover the behavioral traits that influence adult relationships. Gain crucial insights into how you can achieve healthier, more fulfilling connections by understanding and addressing your attachment style.
In this episode, we also delve into the role of significant early events and modern technology on parenting and attachment. Discover how being present for your children, despite life's challenges, can foster secure attachment. We highlight the power of curiosity and effort in rekindling and maintaining relationships, stressing that dedication and adaptive strategies can overcome most challenges. At Life Unplugged, we are devoted to helping couples reconnect and strengthen their bonds through coaching and counseling services. Tune in for valuable advice and practical steps toward enhancing your relationships and moving towards secure attachment in adulthood.
If you feel like you might need coaching our counseling, please visit https://www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
Your relationship will thrive or suffocate, make it or not, based on the way that you answer two questions Am I worthy of being loved? Is there anyone who can love me? These two simple questions define what's called your attachment style. You probably know about attachment styles, but you might not know what really defines them. Well, it's these two questions. Am I worthy of being loved? Is there anyone who can love me? There isn't a right or wrong answer. It's not a pass or fail. It's about when you're being extremely honest with yourself. You ask yourself these questions. What do you feel? Because, unfortunately, you don't get to choose your answers. Your answers are typically chosen for you. They're shaped by your parents or those who raised you, which can either be awesome or suck, because we don't get to choose our parents. So, in what might be the most important episode of Marriage Health yet, can we ask ourselves am I worthy of being loved? Is there anyone who can love me? This is Marriage Health. James and Teri Craft.
Teri Craft:How important is attachment in a marriage relationship? How exactly can you figure out your attachment style?
Producer:The term attachment describes a close bond between two people that when they're together they feel safe. You can end up with a lot of broken relationships because you drive people away with the suspicion.
Teri Craft:When clients come into a coaching relationship with me or a counseling relationship with me, one of the first things that I do is I listen for or I assess what their attachment style is. It's not a negative thing, it's not good or bad, it just is right. And so how did my attachment style develop? Was I just born with it? Is it sort of part of my DNA?
James Craft:Back when I was a child, my mom and dad would say let your kid cry it out, and if they sit in the crib for hours at a time crying, then that's what they do. It doesn't create a healthy attachment when someone, like a little child, is screaming you want to see comfort take place.
Producer:Am I worthy of being loved? Something as small as being left to cry alone in a crib can impact your answer to this question. For the rest, of your life.
James Craft:They have to have some independence. There we have a lot of people just go and they pick up their kids right away and it doesn't create secure attachment. It creates kind of an anxious attachment If I have something wrong, someone comes and comforts me.
Producer:And just as easily. Having a parent be too attentive can cause you to build insecurity. With question number two, because if someone doesn't show up every five minutes, I'll start to wonder is there anyone who can love me? Escaping childhood with secure attachment can seem impossible. Chances are you've developed an attachment style that's led to a lot of pain in your relationships or your marriage In the developmental years.
James Craft:Just watch kids. Watch them with their parents. When they don't feel safe. You know they have to be clingy to mom and dad and they feel anxious about it or avoidant and they kind of push away and they don't want connection with people. It's happening all the time with every single person. Are you ready Do?
Teri Craft:you want me to do it? Yes, we're all set. Okay, that was my favorite part. When you're born and you're developing in relationship with your caregivers, there's one of four attachment styles you are going to develop into. And so when I have relationship with my caregiver, even to the point where I'm kind of queuing in on body language, I'm queuing in on tone Is there stress, I mean as an infant, right? Those are all messaging that I'm getting Like is the person that's holding me feeling secure? So if that person feels secure, relationally, physically, emotionally, on a regular basis, then I'm going to become secure because that's what's being modeled, that's what's being mirrored, that's what's creating the safety for me to feel and grow and be nurtured into that secure place.
Teri Craft:If, however, all of those messages are not particularly positive, then I'm going to develop one of three other attachment styles. Number one is avoidant. Avoidant attachment style would be looking at those questions. Number one is am I worthy of love? And then the second one is is somebody going to be able to meet me in that love? Are they available? The avoidance answers those two questions this way. The first one is I am worthy of love, but everyone around me is not available. They're not there, they can't do it, they can't meet me there. So if I grew up in a home where there was messages of avoidance, messages of neglect they're just too busy or there's been some trauma, maybe even some abuse or whatever that might look like, and my adaptive strategy has been, hey, I'm just going to avoid all of that to be safe, like I don't want that kind of attachment, then what I'm going to do is I'm going to develop an avoidant attachment style. That avoidant attachment style basically says, hey, like emotion not necessary. I'm going to be more thinking in my head. I'm gonna be less likely to be engaged in relationships. I'm gonna be a little more isolated. If I have stress, I'm gonna tend to back up and avoid things as opposed to pushing in to things, as maybe a secure, attached person might.
Teri Craft:The next one is an anxious attachment. Anxious attachment answers those two questions. The first one they would answer I am not worthy of love, but everybody around me is capable of meeting all those needs. So then if I'm anxious, that means that I need everyone to help me feel secure. Please help me feel secure. So sometimes that can feel like I'm constantly sort of reaching out. Some people would say anxious, attached people tend to feel a little needy sometimes, and so when I'm feeling like I'm not worthy of love, then that means that there's an insecurity inside me that feels like I'm not okay unless someone else is validating who I am and showing up for me Like I don't have the strength, I don't have the resilience, but you do, and so I'm going to constantly be moving that way.
Teri Craft:And then the last one is sometimes we call it chaotic, sometimes we call it fearful.
Teri Craft:Basically, what a chaotic attachment style would be is kind of a combination between the avoidant and the anxious. How this develops is if there's a lot of chaos in my environment, sometimes that would be because there's a lot of trauma or abuse, or I have parental figures that are also chaotic in their relation style. That means that I toggle between both anxious and avoidant, and you can imagine that can be difficult in its own right, because the answer to both of those questions am I worthy of love and can people meet those needs Are both no, no, I'm not worthy of love, and no, nobody's going to meet that need for me. And so I toggle back and forth between I need someone to fill that need and then I also toggle between. I just want to back away and just isolate myself. I don't need you yes, I need you. I don't need love yes, I need love. Am I worthy of love? No, I'm not, and so chaotic, can feel really just like push and pull in terms of attachment.
James Craft:Pretty heavy question and I've talked to so many people where they deflect and push everything out on everybody else and they give everybody that love people. They're busy doing things and they're always serving people and caring for people, but they don't see themselves as a person who's worthy to be loved. I just want to pause there because I know that there's somebody who's listening right now and you're sitting there thinking that's me. That's the bottom line. I don't think I'm worthy of love.
James Craft:That might be your reality you're sitting in, but it's not the reality, because you are deeply loved. You are deeply needed on this earth. You are not an accident. You're here for a specific purpose on this earth and there are people in this world who want to love you and there is someone who wants to be in your world to love you. And if you don't think that you're worthy of that, I would love for you to move toward that. Don't run away from it. Don't run away from this. Move towards it so that you can discover who you really are and you're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth the time, the energy, the resources pouring into you to discover that you are lovable and that you can be loved and that you can love yourself. You can open the door for someone else to love you, just like that.
Producer:How long did it take for you to find out what your attachment style was or is? Does it change later on in life?
Teri Craft:Yeah, it's really a good question. Attachment style I like to say attachment story, because I I really think that you know my style. It comes out of my story. People say, oh, how you know, how do you develop your attachment style? And it's like well, look at your story, avoidant, anxious, chaotic, are developed out of some complex trauma, big traumas that happen and even little traumas that sort of happen a lot along the way, meaning kind of like lacks or neglects.
Teri Craft:And so if I was to go back and kind of look at what was happening when I was born and then through those very crucial early years you know we're talking like zero to five, zero to 10. I mean really young years, especially the infant years, zero to five and so what was happening back then? If I look back and I say, okay, you know, there was a bunch of transition happening. Maybe there was a death in the family, maybe there was illness or there was some traumatic events that happened to my caregiver, my mom, my dad, maybe there was some addiction, alcohol, there was divorce. I mean, if there's some big, major things that were happening, then what happens is is my caregiver, primarily my mom and my dad, but those first infancy years, you know a lot of it is, you know mom, who's taking care of you, breastfeeding, doing all those kinds of things.
Teri Craft:If there is a lot of anxiousness or there's depression or you know there's things that are being traumatic, that are happening in my environment. Those messages, those experiences, the energy that maybe might be anxiety or fear, whatever that might be, it sort of mirrors onto me and I'm like a sponge, as a little baby. I'm like a sponge, and so my caregiver is giving messages and I'm mirroring that and going maybe I should be afraid right, and if I'm not getting repair to some of those ruptures, you know that would be kind of considered a rupture, even if they're little, which there's no perfect parent, by the way, and research shows the best parenting is the good enough parent, so everybody can just relax right now, I was starting to be like please everybody.
Producer:The best parent is the good enough parent.
Teri Craft:We're not looking for perfection, but what research has found which I have found, as a person, right Is that when there's things that go wrong, when they're repaired, then a young child learns to be secure there, like okay, okay, I'm okay now. But when there isn't repair or you can't repair, what if there's an illness in the family or there's some disruptive trauma that everyone is feeling stress around, then some of those repairs don't get solidified into the situation in that moment. Then sometimes what we have to do as little ones is we develop sort of a style of attachment around that and that comes through some of those experiences, some of those that mirroring, and so then what I do is I sort of adapt to that and then I move into one of those four styles. So then I get into an adult relationship. My spouse is going let's have some emotional connection. I love emotional connection. Let's talk about things, let's get emotional, let's contemplate all this stuff, let's. Let's sort of have this, this intimacy.
Teri Craft:And if I'm having an avoidant attachment style, I'm thinking deep down, subconsciously, I'm thinking you're really kind of not there for me, because that's what I know. So I'm going to emulate that and I'm going to be avoidant in the way that I show up and vice versa, anxious as well. If I grew up and it was like be careful, be careful. You don't have what it takes to do anything, so just be. You know, I've got to do it for you. Then all of a sudden, you know I grew up thinking I don't, I don't have what it takes, I don't know, I'm not, I'm not secure, I'm not secure, I can only depend on the people around me. So then my spouse is like hey, you know, I'm going back to work and I'm going to be doing some you know extended hours in the next couple of months. I'm not going to be okay if you're gone, you know.
Teri Craft:But here's the best thing for us to remember yes, even as an adult, when I get stressed and I get tired, I'm probably going to fall into that attachment style. But the really cool thing is is that I can also learn and adapt and move into a more secure attachment. And how do I do that? That's by going back and kind of working through some of the things that are underneath the waterline. So it's not just okay, I figure out that I'm anxious in my attachment style. Great, I guess I'm just anxious for the rest of my life. It's like, well, no, you don't have to be always anxious, we can go and heal there. But when you're tired, you're stressed, you're probably going to revert back to that, or you're triggered, probably going to revert back to whatever that style is. But now I'm aware of it and so I can make choices forward from there. I'm really glad you shared about it.
James Craft:There's no perfect parent. I wonder how much social media or just having a phone or tablets?
Producer:is affecting attachment styles.
Teri Craft:Yes.
Producer:Have we seen the?
Teri Craft:repercussions of that. Taking a deep breath. Kurt Thompson has a quote that's so important that we are born into a world looking for someone who's looking for us. But the bottom line is is that the way that we're using our phones is absolutely impacting the way our children are absorbing what healthy attachment is? I'm not trying to say that to condemn anybody whatsoever, because I have a phone and I do it too, but we have to just be aware of that. So take a deep breath and remember good enough parenting.
Teri Craft:None of us are perfect, but your child, especially your young child, is looking at you, wondering if you're looking for them. We're in the house and they're. You know it's the first time they do X, y, z and they're looking at you and you're looking down at your phone. You're basically saying I might not be available to you. So you are helping them answer one of those questions Am I worthy of love and is there someone who can meet me there?
Teri Craft:Listen, we all have attachment styles. There's never a perfect developmental situation. So we're all going to have places where we've been wounded, but most of us, if we've done any work, we've gone some healing, we've walked through a process. We will gain some secure attachments. But then in relationships it's hard to maintain the secure attachment when we hit triggers or we're hungry, we're tired, we have trauma, any of those you know current things, kids, schedules, work, all of it and then we revert to some of those attachment styles.
Teri Craft:That's when things get weird, like all of a sudden you're like why is it that my spouse blah, blah, blah, blah, why is it that I blah, blah, blah, blah? And that's where knowing your attachment style is really super helpful. We don't pin ourselves in a corner. We use it to inform us so that we can grow there and we have more awareness, so that we can make a more informed choice. When I feel triggered, to remember hey, girl, you are okay, you're stronger than you know, and even if you're alone, you're still strong and you're still okay, I have to do that for myself. Or hey, you know what? Just because you're feeling triggered or scared doesn't mean you have to run away from people. Sometimes we need to push in and we need to ask for help and support.
James Craft:Those are strategies that you learn when you're aware of what your attachment style is. It's so important. It's so important for you guys. When you watch this and you watch our videos, pause, just pause and be curious. A little curiosity will take you a long way. A little curious.
James Craft:Why are we operating away from each other? Because we didn't start off this way. We tell people all the time, tell us about the origin of your relationship and most of the time there was an attraction and there was a complete fall in love with each other. And you're all tangled up and you're tripping over each other and all of a sudden now you're finding yourselves completely on two different planets. You're discovering what has taken place earlier on in your life, all the stuff you brought into your marriage, and you get beyond the honeymoon stage and you start to realize wait a second, we're a lot different here. What do we do with this? Those who pursue it and they're curious to kind of find out more, to kind of look around the corner and discover hey, there's something else around the corner, let's go find it and be curious for the adventure man, you have an incredible opportunity for a great relationship.
James Craft:But those who just say this oh, we're just not compatible, we're not good for each other. You know what? We're not meant for each other. I just say bull crap, because that's not true, because you didn't say that in the very origin of your relationship, and so there was a lack of investment that we have to realize and say wait a second, what happened here? What's the origin of this break that we had? There is an opportunity Now, if there's abuse, different story. There's things that I would say you know what, maybe need to help you navigate apart, because there's been abuse and hurt that's probably in a small percentages, irreparable. But, man, most of you who are listening to these videos, you can come back into this, but it's gonna take work. I know you don't wanna hear that. Most people don't. It's gonna take work. It's going to take work and it's going to take work for you to get down into the soil and figure out what's missing and bring back this relationship that is distance itself from one another.
Teri Craft:One of the things that we do in our coaching process through Life Unplugged is really dive into understanding how our adaptive strategies are impacting our relationships. That then creates a more healthy connection with other people, and that's what we do.
James Craft:If you're part of these videos and you're watching what we're doing and saying, you know we consider you part of our tribe. So let's jump into this and discover how you can live in a secure attachment style so that you can be fulfilled and be fulfilling to someone else.
Producer:Marriage Health with James and Teri Craft. If you feel like you need someone to come alongside you, a coach or a counselor, reach out to us. The link is in the description.
