Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
With backgrounds in therapy and coaching, James and Teri Craft help your marriage through issues with communication, intimacy, conflict, or if you're just fighting to fall back in love with your partner. Aside from their certifications, the reason why James and Teri are so passionate about helping your marriage through challenges is because they've walked through the hardest things in their marriage and they wouldn't have made it if it weren't for help.
If you are fighting for your marriage, don’t face this fight alone.
Marriage Health with James & Teri Craft
We're SHOCKED --Can This Advice REALLY SAVE Your Relationship?
What if the key to a thriving relationship lies in mutual respect and shared responsibility? Join us as we unpack insights from renowned relationship expert John Gottman to explore how men can significantly enhance their relationships by embracing influence from their partners. Learn how this concept fosters respect and cooperation, and discover why it's crucial for women to acknowledge shared responsibility in resolving relationship issues. We delve into personal anecdotes and Gottman's extensive research, shedding light on how empathy, understanding, and mutual responsibility can help couples navigate challenges together.
In our next segment, we focus on empowering female influence in relationships and the profound impact of validating a woman's opinions and intuition. Steer clear of hierarchical structures that breed insecurity by fostering a balanced, respectful partnership. Through personal reflections, we highlight the transformative power of giving women a voice in decision-making and the adverse effects when that voice is ignored. We emphasize that mutual respect and influence can inspire and strengthen relationships, creating a nurturing environment for both partners and their children. Tune in to understand how to break negative patterns and become a united, powerhouse couple.
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What is the most important thing a man and a woman can do to make a relationship work? What?
John Gottman:is it that a man can do in a relationship? What is it a woman can do? And it turns out that the advice is very simple. So for men, the most important thing is accepting influence from a woman. And this accepting influence is really a very profound idea, because it turns out that if you want to be influential in a relationship, you have to be able to accept influence. You cannot be powerful in a relationship unless there's give and take. Motto is still true for women, but guys feel wonderful when a woman says this is not all your fault, I have responsibility for this as well. It's a two-way street, you know. I'm sure that I've done things to screw up this relationship as well. It's not all your fault, and that turns out to be just the most powerful repair now. It took us seven years to discover this. You know analyzing data, looking step by step, but that is a very powerful thing.
Producer:The most simple advice Men accept the influence of your partner. Women tell your partner he isn't the sole reason your relationship is screwed up. Can advice this simple really save your relationship? Because I'm the voice of a person, I would say yes, and so would James and Terry, because this is their channel. But if you don't believe this advice, you probably need to know who this sweet 82-year-old Jewish man is John Gottman, one half of the Gottmans. A lot of relationship experts therapists, coaches say these two are the most respected relationship experts in the world, Aside from James and Terry, which is a given. It might be because they make things so simple, but it's likely because of the crazy amount of research they do.
Teri Craft:You know. It's really interesting is that I don't know if people are familiar with where the Gottmans get their information, but it's you know, research. They do painstaking research in finding out, um, to the point where they'll they have a relationship sort of lab that they observe couples and interactions, and you know all the data is you know, and interactions, and you know all the data is you know, ethical and ethical, ethical, ethical. The data is verified, it's you know, it's, it's like ethical, is it ethical? Is ethical a word?
James Craft:I've had the honor and privilege to be in Dr John Gottman's house for a couple days with my wife. The sincerity, I love what he says. Every conclusion he comes up with in his study always took seven years and I love it.
John Gottman:Now. It took us seven years to discover this.
Teri Craft:I think he started the research like the year after I was born. These things have been building and been legitimized over and over and over again through time. It was pretty surreal to be able to sit with them and talk with them and to incorporate a lot of their research and material into sort of an interdisciplinary approach in the professional environment in which I work, so it was pretty cool.
James Craft:Influence and then responsibility, the two different things he talks about.
Producer:We have had so many men writing to us. I'm saying, why does it always?
Teri Craft:have to be about me. So the research is showing that's really important for a man to feel as if it's not always, you know, the sort of the pointing finger over and, over and over again. So just food for thought, you know, it's funny because I, when I first heard that, I was super curious about what in your Curious or defensive.
Teri Craft:No, I actually have no problem owning my stuff most of the time. So I'm curious about that, because when I'm sitting next to my husband, how does me being able to step into a situation and own my part in it and I preface that because nowhere in this are we asking anyone, nor is the research saying that somebody is supposed to take responsibility for someone else's part what we're doing is we're taking responsibility for our part. When we're able to do that, I'm curious, you know, for my husband. You know what does that do? How does that really connect him to relationship with me? So I'm going to ask him. I was curious, like, because that this is all research-based, I was curious, what in the male population, what makes them feel really good, that it's not all their fault. So I don't know, can you speak into that, like? So, like I know, when you, when you, when you you heard him say that, what does that do for you?
James Craft:Men typically go on defense because they don't like to fail.
Teri Craft:Okay, so it could be connected to the failure, like somehow you're not good at it.
James Craft:It's like you're partnering with me and working through that, rather than saying you screw up, if you just would fix yourself, we wouldn't be in the same situation again. Okay, you know and I think it's good to just have that understanding that guys do not like to fail. Yeah, guys don't like failure. They just don't like failure. So when their wife or when you are able to come in and say you know what, hold on, it has a little bit of empathy into it. Right, it's like I can see where you're coming from, I can see you're struggling. You know what I want to own some of my part, you know, and I always say it takes two to tango, you know, and so I think it's important for us to have that understanding. It actually creates a mutuality between a couple. You know that they have this connectability in that it doesn't mean that the wife has taken responsibility for his stupid mistake. He maybe did something ridiculous, but to meet him.
James Craft:You know, the Gottman's always talked about moving towards each other. See, that is a mechanism that helps people move towards each other for connection, you know, because when you're in some kind of struggle or challenge, connection is what you ultimately are wanting, and so if we can help people move towards each other in that, even if it's painful yeah, you know it's like I don't want to go there, I don't want to actually deal with that yeah, but move towards because in that we can have a connection. Then we can actually start working through some of the challenge there.
Teri Craft:I'm understanding more, you know. Thank you Me being able to own my part in something. I'm not going to make something up no, that's not being authentic but I think that I think in most situations I can see where I was a part of it, even if it's as simple as me saying I'm sorry, I'm not connecting with where you're at, and I can see how my confusion might even be misconstrued here, as, whatever we get to this question all the time from the man's perspective, why do I always have to take responsibility for everything?
James Craft:Well, number one, you don't, because it takes two to tango, all right. So you just got to remember that if there's two people in a relationship, one's not always right and the other one's always wrong. You have to understand the responsibility on both sides. If you don't, then you're going to have this lopsided relationship where you won't have this connection and mutuality between the two of you. The man might be completely off and he might be off his rocker and he might be completely wrong. But if the woman has any responsibility at all, any see a lot of times what will happen there is that the wife will say I don't want to even acknowledge it because it will just fuel his fire. No, I believe it's going to create a healthy mutuality there between the two.
Producer:See, the Gottmans are really getting at one thing. When two people fight to include the other person, whether it's by sharing responsibility or sharing influence, this creates a connection that makes the other person feel safe. Safe enough for husbands to let their partner influence them. Safe enough for a woman to express that their partner isn't the sole bearer of responsibility in their conflict. But that can be really scary. If your partner has steamrolled you in the past or made you feel small. It can be scary to tell that person that you're responsible for any of the challenges in your relationship because you're afraid they might not take any responsibility.
Teri Craft:Or to let them influence you when you feel like they've already controlled so much as a female in a relationship, that can sometimes be a hard thing to do, because I'm just being honest here. Is it okay if I'm honest, if there has been hard things that have happened in a relationship, if there's been things you know, like betrayal, trauma, in the relationship, sometimes it can be really easy for me not to see myself in any situation because I'm still, you know, pretty hurt from some of these maybe repetitive things that have happened or these big traumas that have happened. I'm sitting back and absorbing some of these research findings and I'm thinking to myself how there's been times when I've been afraid to show up with that kind of vulnerability because I didn't want to be taken advantage of or I didn't want to be gaslit, or I didn't want to be gaslit, or I didn't want it to be turned around and I didn't want to become the the focal point of the situation, like, okay, now it's all your fault. And you know, I think when I started to get stronger in my, in my life, and I started to really have good internal and external boundaries in my own life, in our, we started to have enough safety and trust that was being built and lived out between the two of us.
Teri Craft:You know, I think it felt pretty free and it felt pretty empowering to be able to say like, yeah, I can see my part in that. I can see where maybe this happened and how I responded. I could have done better there. I think when I get to the point where I'm not afraid of being able to show up authentically, I think it actually feels pretty empowering to be able to own my part and I can see how the times that I have done that has really proven to be connective in our relationship when we've had a high level of safety and trust and truth, you know, being lived out between the two of us. So it's pretty good. But I can admit that when things were harder in our relationship, that that wasn't as easy for me as I grew and as he grew, it was easy, easier to show up in a way that I could own I can own my part and it felt good.
John Gottman:So for men the most important thing is accepting influence from a woman Accepting influence.
Teri Craft:Accepting influence is really a very profound idea thing that Dr Gottman was talking about was how, in research, what they found was a key element to you know, a healthy relationship is for a man to accept the influence of the woman of the woman and they found that women, that that really made a big difference for women which.
Teri Craft:I can completely connect with that too the woman looking at what is it that really makes such a difference? For me, such a reparative relationship builder, is when my spouse, my partner, can accept my influence, which means if I have an opinion, if I have a need, a want, a desire, if I have a feeling, if I have intuition, if I have a suggestion, if I want to really contribute something, I'm looked at as a valid resource Like thanks, honey, that's actually good information. You know what? I didn't see it that way. You know what? I'm going to take that into consideration.
Teri Craft:Or you know what? Because you mentioned that that really got me thinking and I think now I'm going to put something maybe into practice in a different way. Or, wow, you know what? Because you said that something monumental shifted in my perception and I was able to make a choice that completely changed everything and that makes a huge difference in the research that they found. For a woman and can I just say, as a woman, it's amazing when my husband can say to me that my opinion or my intuition is needed, valid and wanted, because that makes me feel a part of it. It makes me feel like I'm a part of it.
James Craft:I look at how God created marriage to be. He created it to be a perfect union with one another. Yeah, partnership is a mutuality. We're looking at each other eye to eye. You know, I don't stand here looking down at you or nor do I look up to you like in awe, like you're such a wonderful person and I'm a nobody. Now, a lot of people live this way. They live in this kind of paradigm of how I look down or I look up to and we really have to see ourselves as looking eye to eye. Yeah, we're right beside each other. Yeah, we make some great decisions together.
Teri Craft:Yeah, and that makes me feel safe as a female to be able to say you know, I know that I'm not looking for a yes man. Yeah. Because, that certainly isn't well there might be times, maybe, when I'm at the mall.
James Craft:I might need a yes man, but I'm not the greatest yes man all the time either, so but I think that I think, cause you're part of your personality is to I'm a challenger.
Teri Craft:You're, you're. You're kind of looking at like all sides and trying to figure things out, which I appreciate. As a woman, I think for me it feels safe for what's going on inside of me. You know the way that God has gifted me and all of the ways that I show up in the world or my thoughts and feelings For that to be held and appreciated.
Teri Craft:Yeah, that makes me feel safe when that happens, as if like, like I'm important to this relationship and for so many years of my life and I think a lot of females would say the same thing it's like we struggle with just never feeling as if that and that's part of our gender rooting right, just that you're just not quite there.
James Craft:If we have a dominant relationship, where it's dominating with our opinions, our behaviors or convictions, there's not a mutuality there. You know, the greatest relationships are when there's a mutuality, there's a connection there and the discovery together rather than a dictatorship. Every time I see that take place, it lives out through fear, where one will feel the fear or the anxiety of the other. That's not a healthy relationship. I'm not Dr Gottman, but I work with relationships on a daily basis. When a woman feels like she has no influence within the relationship and we can see this, you know it's kind of like leave it to beaver. I know if you're old, as I am, you grew up watching those. On those sick days that you were stuck at home, the dad was always in charge. He always made the decisions and the mom was just the doer. This is the doer never was able to be a partner together. She was just the doer.
James Craft:It's important that we have to understand that as a husband and wife, that the wife has influence in the decision-making and has the influence how we're going to live and do. But when that's taken away from her, think about what that would do to any human being. It takes away their voice, it takes away their purpose when Terry and I operate together. If I didn't allow that and I just kind of stonewalled her on those kind of things and I just said, no, I'm not going to let you have that kind of influence, can you imagine what that would create in our family? It would create this insecurity and angst within our relationship and in our family.
James Craft:We have three daughters and I love my girls. I wouldn't be able to have three confident young women, their relationships with their boyfriends or husbands. They would have to live under rather than beside, and we want to see that beside one another, relationship take place rather than under. I'm beneath you. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we have to be beneath it's a mutuality and beside one another, not a I'm lording over you. We want to see relationships fueled with purpose and with a voice, where there's connectability in that.
Teri Craft:Can I tell you when my husband looks at me and says, your opinion there really important, that actually was really helpful. Or because you were confident enough to tell me your opinion there? You know, because of your gifts and talents, how you're showing up in the world. That's inspired me to go and continue my education, or I just want you to know that you're impacting me that way. That is extremely, extremely repairing in a relationship with a woman. So many of the women that I sit with in crisis situations feel as if they are not seen or heard in their relationship. It's as if they are silent, they are illegitimate and that they don't matter. I mean, think about that. Think about the times in your life when you felt like you didn't matter. I mean, think about that. Think about the times in your life when you felt like you didn't matter and that anything or everything that you said meant nothing.
James Craft:Can I say something to you?
Teri Craft:Yeah.
James Craft:You know, I know I've said this in the past, but I'm going to ask that you'd forgive me for the times I've done that, because that is not my best. Yeah, and I misused my relationship with you and the way I treated you in those times. Thank you, and you deserve better and I know I can give you better. It's not another person. It's me I can give you better, and I deeply, deeply value you. Thank you.
Teri Craft:I think what we're looking for is it's just a mutual understanding and for someone to look at us and go like you matter, your opinion matters, your influence matters. In my life For a woman that runs counterculture to, almost, sometimes, everything that they've ever experienced in the world, because for a lot of women they have to battle like a salmon upstream against thought processes, common perceptions. I guess my intuition doesn't matter, my opinion doesn't matter. You're right. You know I shouldn't even have said it. I'm so stupid, you know. There's just a lot of that kind of thought and rhetoric that I think women have to kind of push against as they're growing and developing. To be in a relationship where somebody is like, yeah, you matter, your opinion matters, is huge and very healing.
James Craft:I'm going to make it personal, ok, when Terry and I are driving, some of our greatest conflicts I will call it are when we're in the car. But when we drive, sometimes the dashboard becomes her brake and she grabs the door. When she's kind of feeling a little intense and she's very vocal and kind of telling me this or that, and for so long I would just say will you stop telling me how to drive? I'm the one in the driver's seat. Rather than pausing and realizing, man, sometimes she feels anxious in the car. What if I was curious about that and I was able to meet her in that situation? Rather than bark an order at her to be quiet and leave me alone, let me do my thing.
James Craft:My wife has been in an accident that was pretty traumatic to her A head-on collision, airbags and it was a pretty bad situation. That kind of scarred her and it was a very traumatic event. But why does Terri's foot go on the dash sometimes when we're in LA traffic? Because she's scared to death sometimes out there and she wants to have influence. What would make her feel safer? What if we were able to pause and step back and realize hey, you know what we both have great insight and input to each other's lives, and how healing could that be for my wife, because there was trauma there and she was able to influence how I was doing things, so that we are both mutually moving forward together and actually enjoying our drives.
Teri Craft:You might be a man and you're thinking to yourself. It feels like every relational challenge with my partner is all my fault it's always me and it just feels completely hopeless. It feels more natural and easy for you to invest all your time and energy in other areas of your life, but when it comes to this kind of relational challenge, you feel like I just can't ever do it right. And what you're really longing for is for your spouse to look you in the eye and say, hey, I'm taking ownership or responsibility for, for my part. And you might be a woman who's feeling as if you have so many exciting things to say, you have so many thoughts and feelings and desires and areas where you have truly wanted to contribute and influence, and you're feeling as if you're not seen nor heard. Your opinion doesn't matter, feels alone and silent. That is why our organization exists to come alongside and walk with individuals and couples through these relational challenges so that they can feel as if they're seen and heard and that they have hope.
James Craft:You might be a husband where you feel like you're always the one 100% wrong in everything, feel as if they're seen and heard and that they have hope. You might be a husband where you feel like you're always the one 100% wrong and everything, and you're always taking the blame and just want to help. You understand, you're not. You're not, but you're feeling that way all the time. Or your wife feeling like you know, I never have a voice into this situation, I never have any influence in what we're doing and I feel very alone in that.
James Craft:First of all, you're not alone. You're not alone, and so we want you to reach out to us, because we want to come alongside of you ourselves, terry and I, or other coaches that we have, and come alongside and meet you there and help you learn how to walk through that, so that you can move through it and get to the other side, rather than avoid it and run from it and then repeat the patterns day by day, month by month and year by year for the rest of your life. We want to help you move through it so that you can become a stronger you. You and your husband or wife can be a stronger couple, moving forward together as a powerhouse couple in this world.
Producer:Marriage Health with James and Terry Craft, If you feel like you need someone to come alongside you world.
