05 - Conscious communication and the power of words PART 2

Welcome back to the second part of this fabulous conversation on Business Sexcess! I’m your host, Lorraine Crookes, the Sexual Empowerment Liberator, and I’m here to spice up your life and business with some incredible insights.

In this episode, we dive even deeper into the world of conscious communication with the amazing Karen Shaw, transformational empowerment coach and the brain behind Parenting Magic. If you thought Part 1 was a game-changer, wait till you hear what’s in store!

We’ll be unraveling advanced tips and tricks to supercharge your communication skills, whether you’re dealing with a moody teenager or a boardroom full of executives. From decoding body language to harnessing the power of positive words, we’ve got it all covered. Plus, Karen shares more of her incredible journey and how she turned communication challenges into parenting wins.

Get ready to transform the way you connect with the world. Tune in for laughs, aha moments, and a whole lot of empowerment. 

Let’s make your business and personal life as orgasmic as possible!

Visit the Orgasmic Life website for more information

Proudly edited by Mike at Making Digital Real

Transcript

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Welcome back to Business Sexcess and this is part two of the conversation with Karen Shaw from Parents in Magic. A conversation about conscious communication and if you haven't listened to part one, go back because there were buckets full of gems in there and an awesome conversation. I hope you enjoy part two. I'll see you on the other side. Yeah, so when we talk about feedback, you're saying giving a positive, giving an improvement area, rather than the word negative. So that kind of sandwiching two positives with some aspect of development, improvement in the middle. Exactly that. The vibration churns in and then hears that other thing differently because it's not been a string of challenges and improvements. Actually, you know, our energy vibration rises, we accept that challenge, supportive comment of how we can improve. And then it's sandwiched beautifully with something else we're doing and we hear it so differently when it's done like that. And I think that's it because you've hooked the unconscious and it's already engaged and invested. It will listen and it's almost like it will be saying to that little bit of development, you know, people feedback, criticism. I don't like that word. It's just they're going to hear it differently as though it's almost like, oh, that's a good idea. Rather, we've been on that back foot and been defensive. And that's what I was saying about the phrase I use with couples about, you know, this is amazing. What you do here is amazing. This part of what we share, whether that's about sex or just time together or whatever it might be, is amazing. And rather than but, sometimes this and sometimes that, and what would make it even better is, is not rejecting someone. It's not saying they're rubbish. It's just saying, and there's more available to us. And this is how I feel about it and what would show up. And then finishing that with a compliment or a cuddle or a kiss, whatever that might be. That area of, you know, and often what happens as well, and I think this can happen in parenting as well, is when we start to change our communication, the other person also has that invitation to then start changing ours. And you end up actually that you can meet in the middle and the friction and energy that may be created where they match you. And then they start sharing and start opening up because the vibration you're putting out, they can then meet you rather than this constant arguments or battle, which happens with kids as well, doesn't it? It's like, you have a go at me, I'll have a go at you. There's so many relationships. Yeah, sometimes that can happen. But just change that energy, you then invite people to meet you where you're at. And I think that's really important as well. Someone's got to start those changes, that conscious change. And it's so hard because it's so, as you say, it's so ingrained in us, it's almost like, like you said, survival technique, we've, you know, it's an inherited, almost a gene in us that we have to actively think about how we can change that because we very much live in a society that focuses on, you know, the news. You know, there's so many aspects around us, but there's so many aspects around us that are very negative for us to then step up into this real juicy conscious communication has to be conscious, it has to be a proactive thing that we do. Yeah, and the great thing is once we start doing the changes of the vibration of the energy we put out, then start manifesting and that rippling effect because we are communicating not only to ourselves and to other people, but also, you know, to the universe in a much better, healthier way. It's that thing of, you know, being really clear in our language, particularly around things like manifesting, whether that's in a conversation on a bigger perspective of being really clear and that's what we're talking about conscious communication on every level. Absolutely. And the thing I know with my boys, when I knew it had gone in is when I would hear them telling their friends or something, or say it in the way I would say it to them, you know, it's just totally different. It's the way forward. And I just think like you said, our brain has been wired as it has been for so, so long, it's going to take us a very long time to change it. And still not enough people are aware of this, know how to teach it and how to share things. It's still very different. You've got to be present and you've got to know that this is available to know how to change it. We're talking about, you know, starting off with the feedback sandwich to someone, just start with a positive thing. You're talking about, you know, couples, I'm talking about Eden bringing home rubbish in his trouser pockets and breaking washing machines because he had lolly sticks in it or toy cars and things. And before I knew any of this, I would have said, you know, you drive me mad when you do this, it would have been criticism to start with. And it would have been, you know, do it this way. And I want this way. And instead of just the whole reframe of thinking, I'm actually glad he brings his rubbish home. That's a good thing to tell a child. I'm really pleased that you don't just throw your litter on the floor and you bring it home. And what would help me even more is when you empty them. That's another good one. When not if. When you do this, because it will save me washing machines and I know you like helping people. It's just go back to that, that way of making it a compliment that we just we don't do. We're so good at doing that negative. The other thing that the words we use, like you just said, we put people on the back foot when we criticise. And the words that we use a lot are interrogatives, which are all the, that, when are you going to do your homework? What on earth do you think you do? Who do you think you are? It's all this aggression in those words. So when we can put those to the side and think about what we really want to know. Again, it's you coming from your place. I'd like to know. I'd like to know when you're going to do your homework. And I'm curious about this. I'm just wondering. It's just that gentle, soft approach that again will engage them. You've got more chance of them listening. And then say the thing. Because if you put them on the back foot, they're not going to listen. First thing that comes into the head then is a story, you know, just something off the cuff. And that's not where we want to be. We want to take our communication to a deeper level. 100%. And anyone listening to this, I think is worth almost re-listening to it and listening to all of it also from a perspective of business. Because, you know, I'm about business and how sexual energy can support. And these communication skills are absolutely fundamental. Like we said at the start, every area of our life. So whether that's parenting, intimate relationships, our business, you know, these are skills with colleagues, with partners. This is 100% transferable. And if we practice it in one area and get it right, you know, it's a habit that we can then share. And it can only enhance business if we're giving people more positive energy, positive communication, more conscious communication, no matter what area of life we're talking about. So it's almost worth kind of almost re-listening and think about it from a business perspective. What happens if you say and? What happens if, you know, we're talking to people, clients, customers in this different language? What are we putting out to them, which evokes more of a positive response, however we're serving them? I mean, whether or not you're reporting to, you know, I don't know, a manager, a boss, and the minute they ask you, why have you done this or what? There's a horrible feeling that you're being criticised, isn't there? And there's definitely a different way around it. And when we've got suggestions, whoever it's to, instead of just saying to them, if you did this, tell them it's when you do that, because there's like the presupposition then that it will happen when it makes a massive difference. One word can change the whole context and energy behind the conversation. Yeah, and the other thing, it's not just manners this, rather than saying, please, if you say thank you, the thank yous and a something will happen, it's already done. And please is a little bit placating, pleading. So, you know, I'd really appreciate it when you do the washing up after tea. Thank you. They're already being thanked for something, that's parenting. It can be, you know, like you say, in the bedroom, that's a nice one. The priest, at work, wherever. The brain, the unconscious mind is listening to the thank you, rather than the please do it. It reminds me a little bit of this hoping. When we hope for things, I understand that humanity needs hope on this big, big sort of scale. When we're doing it in relationships, hoping is like who to? Who are you giving the power away to? I don't want a hope this will happen, or a hope to do that. Does that make sense? Yeah, 100%. The energy behind the word, please, and the word, you know, thank you, please, please, I guess it depends on the context. But yeah, thank you is much more powerful. Yeah, exactly. And we will all use all of them. And it's all absolutely fine. Of course it is. What I'm doing is sharing ways to get a different outcome, if you want a different outcome. So this is the language you use to get a different result or a different outcome. That is why I think a lot of this is NLP. And I know NLP can often get that reputation for being manipulative. It's a tool. It's like any tool. You can talk about AI, that can be used for bad, it can be used for good. Talk about scalpel, surgeon can create good with it. Somebody could stab somebody with it. Everything's a tool and it's how it's used. So there's no manipulation in doing this. It's when you know that you want a greater outcome for the greater good of all, for all involved. I think the power is in the knowing, isn't it? Once we know we have this available and people have, you know, listened and heard, you know, it's kind of struck a chord, and they can see that that shows up in their own lives in whatever relationship tool, whether that's parenting, intimate or business, it's how we can change. So we've said about the but and the and. Is there any other, is there any nuggets, Karen, more nuggets you can share with us of tools that we can, things we can adapt and change that would give us a better conscious communication with the people we're connecting with? I, it's the energetic thing that's really important as well, because we can set ourselves up to be present and preempt a situation with good vibes and good thoughts and good energy that's coming out from us. I mean, we know, don't we know that the heart is so powerful that the energy that comes out from there is is even stronger than from the brain. When we can do that, we set the scene with different energy in it, not only the words, but your body sends out a massively readable frequency. I just thought myself up as you said. Oh yes, I forgot that, but you're right and it's something again we're not conscious of we kind of forget that our body language. You know we could we can say whatever words we want but if our body language isn't matching and doesn't match the frequency it's that kind of trying to isn't that smiling through gritted teeth kind of thing. We forget and even as you were saying it, I was like, oh yes, body language. I think we have to be careful because, you know, I can cross my arms because I'm a bit chilly. It's not defensive, it's just not reading too much into it. The energy that we send out is incredible. And the two things together, the energy, the words, but the body language will win. I've done it just for fun. If somebody's asked me, do I want another glass of wine? I can put that out and I can say, oh, absolutely not. They're pouring it because they're just looking at me. I'm going like this. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Or they just know you and they know that there was never going to be an answer that said no when it comes to wine. That could be the other option of course. Yeah. I think, you know, as parents and in the bedroom and in business, we've all had those moments where a no has not been a no and a yes has not been a yes. And we can resonate with that because we're giving off a different vibration in our energy that doesn't match our words. And that's actually where we need to be consciously communicating. And often we do it because you don't know how to consciously communicate how we're feeling because we haven't been taught. Either that's okay and appropriate, that we can share that, and how to do it in a loving and supportive and caring way for whoever's receiving that information. So we don't do it. We just kind of hide it. Rather than just being really honest with ourselves, firstly, as you've said quite rightly a few times, but also with our partner. We just seem to be scared. We've got this gift of communication we seem sometimes to be very scared of. And, you know, we're worried about being judged, we're worried about rejection. Well, you know, there's all these different emotions that we're worried about but actually if we own who we are and we own our own language and our own thoughts and feelings, there is nothing to be frightened of, as long as we've got the tools to express it and this is what you so beautifully teach and talk about. It's just some of these tweaks in our communication can make an immense difference. This awareness that we can have in just changing even just a few words. Absolutely. Yeah, it's still true that, you know, we're used to hearing that word no thousands of times more than yes. So I invite people to say yes. And then the caveats around it. So you can say yes, that's a good idea. Not on this occasion, though, but you've already said yes, so you've already given that positive energy. So if we talk about children, you've got children, you know, can we paint today? And sometimes parents will say no, we can't do that. I would say, that's a great idea. I'd love to just make it positive and say tomorrow or the day after. Just it takes time, Lorraine, to learn a different way of language and speaking to people. And so for me, I really do encourage people to have scripts until it becomes second nature. Because the one thing that we hear a lot is can't do that, can't do that. We say it. How often do we say I can't? We don't mean I can't. We usually mean I don't want to. Because then the excuse might be I haven't got the time. Yes, you do. We've all got the same amount of time. It's not a priority. You're not going to devote any of your precious time to that. Still, be honest. So it's getting rid of can't. You say to children so often you can't do that. You know, I've got a great example of being at my mum's when the lady next door could hear a granddaughter had gone out in bare feet. She was out. She'd done it. And I heard the grand saying you can't go out in bare feet. You can't do that. She'd done it. She can. So what I think happens then, because this unconscious mind is still very childlike, we're confusing it. You don't mean I can't. You mean you don't want me to. You don't think it's a good idea. I might hurt my feet. There's a load of reasons, you know, valid reasons we might not want that to happen. But it's not true, is it, to say can't. We do this so often. We tell the lies. And I am all about keeping the unconscious happy. It does not like being lied to. And it knows that we use so many words that are actually lies. Yeah. And I think sometimes people do that. Again, I particularly think about business and interrelationship. Just get out of the situation. It's just a quick exit. It's just finding the words that they can find so they don't have to find the better ones. And just get out of the conversation because they feel uncomfortable. Because again, we don't have these tools. Not being taught it. Not being taught it. So when the lie comes out, whether it's unintentional. What I mean by that is we don't mean to lie to people when we say, you know, you can't or you've got to or you should. Because they're lies, actually. But we don't even think of them as lies. Your unconscious does. It's a different way of using language and being honest. We've got those things called universal qualifiers where we'll say, oh, he always does that. No, he doesn't because he'd be doing it every second of every minute of every hour of every day. It's not always. And so these are the... It might sound really silly, but I know that this is the way your unconscious mind is programmed and it processes things. And it's not true. And we're not careful enough with the language. But nobody's ever pointed it out before. It's not common practice in schools, is it, to grow up learning this? No, and it should be because our relationship with ourself and everyone around us would be, for a start, from your perspective, for parenting. We would solve a whole lot of long term issues in people's lives because that parenting then goes on. You know, the dynamics of what you do and supporting parents who are struggling with some of that. Those children are often the ones that later on will be the people I'm working with because they find that they can't communicate with their partner. So then boundaries have come blurred. They've had difficult conversations in the bedroom because they've always been told no or there's always been a but. So they think that, you know, if someone wants them, there's always going to be a caveat to it. So this just pans out through the whole of our life. So getting it right. You know, this is why I love the stuff you do, because it's important to get it right with our children because we're setting them up so that I don't have so much work to do. Because in theory, they will have much better communication as adults. You know, they'll succeed in life, in business and in bedroom because they'll have these tools. Rather than doing what most of us do as adults is just fumbling around, hoping we're getting it right, doing our best and spending a lot of time patching things up and trying to put it right. But never standing back and going, look, this is a repeating pattern. You know, this is showing up in my relationships. This is showing up in the dynamics of things in my life. What can I do to put it right? Maybe it's my communications. Obviously, it's never us. It's always somebody else. But actually, maybe it's about, you know, starting with communication because it is absolutely the pillar of everything we do. Everything we do is grounded in communication. As you say, even if it's not in words, it's definitely. Well, thinking that, you know, you talk, we know instinctively if you've gone into a room where someone's had an argument and you think I could cut the atmosphere with a knife, you're feeling the energy in there. And we all know. So if you've got any relationship, whether it is intimate or work, you feel that sometimes. You walk in, someone's happy in a good mood and you go, oh, the vibes in there are brilliant. And it's a vibration. And we are. That's how we do communicate. I know when Eden was about eight years old, he was playing at my feet with Lego and I was just going through a divorce and thinking about the situation. My ex and they weren't particularly good thoughts and what was wrong in my life and how hard it was. And Eden just turned around and said to me, what's wrong, mummy? And it's like he knew there was because he could feel the energy. We can read it, can't we often. And what I did was shut him down and said nothing, nothing. I'm fine. Well, you know, that was that wasn't right. I wouldn't do that again because it didn't validate that he could feel it, that his intuition was right. If I'd have only said to him, gosh, you are right. I am feeling I wouldn't have had to explain in detail at all. If I'd have just said I wasn't feeling good, I was thinking about something and, you know, that would have been better. It would have validated his feelings. And that is where I think, you know, the work that you do. Individuals are so not used to validating their own intuition, feelings or that big thing, asking for what we want. Maybe it's just a British thing. We're too polite still. No, I think I've had this conversation with people in various groups. And I think I don't think it's just a British thing. I think it's just that we want to we want to. I think it is a British thing in the sense. I think it's more prominent in our culture because of the way, you know, just the way our culture is. But I know I've had conversations with people. You know, people have heard me talk about this from other cultures and other countries. I get that because we expect, you know, I've experienced that as well. So I think I think we're human and we don't want to, you know, we're trying to do our best with the language we've got. And none of us have learned about the ands and the ifs and the thank yous and stuff. So actually, we're all doing that in some in some version, I think, no matter where we are in the world. I think as humans, as you said, we were about survival. It very much depends on our parents, our experience of our parents and, you know, what's handed down in the communication and how behaviors managed relationships are managed. You know, those, again, stuff that we've talked about before, like generational pattern stuff. And sometimes, you know, it's about someone breaking the cycle and doing things differently. And that's what we're talking about in all relationships is becoming more conscious and teaching our children. Even in interrelationship show what our kids see at home and they pick up on. And it stays with you forever. So that vibration you're putting out as parents in your intimate relationship that your children are seeing. Oh, yeah, that's significant, as well as the conversations you're having with them directly. So, you know, this is all interlinked and modeling it in our business. That vibration you're putting out in your business is going to bring you success when you are communicating completely consciously, openly and being really honest. And I've learned that from, you know, the life I've had and the story, as you know, and many of those listening will know, you know, not being able to speak and not being able to step into that voice power of even having a voice. Opening my mouth and getting it right or wrong, but just having huge parts of my life that I couldn't talk about. So then knowing how I can talk about them and, you know, tiptoeing through some conversations because I didn't feel empowered in my communication skills that I would get it right. Yeah. And getting it right is important. And that's what I've learned is the language I use, I can convey the message I want, but we need to be conscious in how we do it. And a lot of us are so not conscious in how we do it. But I know I slip into some really bad habits sometimes when, you know, emotions kick in or, you know, I'm having a bad day or I'm not feeling great and I just slip into almost those bad habits. And actually you don't want to be slipping into bad habits. There are times you need to be pulling it out of the bag, but we are human. But if we can start making those changes, the habit becomes, you know, the good practice, those habits change and become more positive. Yeah. And that's what I say. You know, I am human and I will use all those words I say are not the best to use. Of course, I just think to have the awareness that you can change the outcome by words because of the impact and the influence those words have. I grew up with that saying, you know, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That's not true. Words have got so much power. I was thinking that, you know, at work, if you are in a situation where you are saying one thing and you think you're doing one thing, and if your thoughts are doing something different, your thought is your first output of that electrical energy. And you run that thought again and again and again and again and again. And it's a belief. And then you will behave in accordance to that belief. And so we are so programmed out, Lorraine, when we think we're not. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. And it's so interesting to talk to you. And I've loved talking to you. To be honest, we could probably sit here and talk about this. So let's reconvene at another time and maybe like carry on this conversation. Where can people reach out to you? We will put some notes with the video and the audio. But where can people reach out if they want to find more about you and your work to do? If they're on Facebook, I have a group on Facebook and that is Parenting Magic. And then I have a website that is www.parentingmagic.co.uk. And yeah, I'm on LinkedIn as well. So people will find me. Yeah, I'd love to connect. Yeah, no. And I really encourage people to connect with Karen and see what she does, because the work she's doing is absolutely amazing. And if you're looking at changing it in all areas of your life, parenting is a good place to start. Because actually that sometimes is the most challenging area to start. But you're dealing with little ones and the stress of life and that. And then kind of build that into everywhere in your life. But yeah, definitely reach out and connect with Karen because she does amazing work. Well, thank you very much for joining me. It's been a pleasure. I've loved it. Thank you. It's been awesome. And I've loved connecting. So for now, that's all from us. And we will both see you hopefully very, very soon. Thank you for joining us. What an amazing double episode this has been around conscious communication. I am so grateful for Karen for sharing her time, her knowledge, her wisdom and her insights around how we can really up our game in conscious communication. Something that plays out in every area of our life constantly. We're never, ever, as Karen says, we're never not communicating. I really appreciate her sharing her time and I am hoping at some point she'll come back for an even deeper dive into how communication can impact us in every area of our life. But for now, thank you for joining us and we'll see you very, very soon.