08 - Sexual Dry Spells

Today’s episode tackles a topic that many of us experience but rarely talk about—sexual dry spells. Whether it's a brief hiatus or a desert-like drought, it’s something that happens to everyone at some point. But don’t worry, I’m here to help you navigate your way out!

In this episode, we’ll dive into the common causes of sexual dry spells, from stress and fatigue to life changes and health issues. I’ll share my own experiences and offer practical tips on how to reignite the spark, reconnect with your partner, and bring the fun back into your intimacy. We’ll explore the importance of open communication, rediscovering playfulness, and prioritising quality time—whether you’re single or in a relationship.

So, grab a cup of tea (or something stronger), and let’s explore how to turn those dry spells into opportunities for deeper connection, intimacy, and, of course, a more orgasmic life!

Visit the Orgasmic Life website for more information

Proudly edited by Mike at Making Digital Real

Transcript

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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back to business success. Now, first up, I need to apologise because well, I'm not apologising, I'm just telling you, I can't do much about it. So it's not much of an apology. I have a bit of a croaky throat. So please bear with me as we journey through this podcast together. Because I'm just getting over a bit of a cold, bit of a cough, and I still have a bit of a tickle. Lucky me, eh? Thank you for tuning in to business sexcess, empowering business professionals and entrepreneurs to lead an orgasmic life. Hello, and welcome to this episode of business success. This is an over 18 space here to fuel up your business and your bedroom. It's where sexual empowerment meets personal professional development. I'm your host. Yes, that's me, Lorraine Crooks, sexual empowerment liberator and award winning speaker, columnist, educator, and healer. Here to make sure all business professionals and entrepreneurs lead an orgasmic life. So let's have a look at what we're going to explore today in this podcast. Now, this subject I am covering today is one that I think is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very important. But one that is also not discussed. Today, we are talking about the topic that many couples experience. And to be honest, many singles experience, but we don't often address in our or in public, you know, we don't talk about this. And that is sexual dry spells. Yes, it happens to us all sexual dry spells happen to every single person at some point in their life, for numerous reasons. And today, that's what we're going to be exploring. So what are these sexual dry spells? Well, sexual dry spells are really about periods of time where sexual activity dwindles, comes to a halt. And it kind of leaves us wondering, what happened to my sex life? What happened to the fun? What happened to that connection to my own body? What happened to that connection to somebody else's body? Sometimes it can be for short periods of time. And sometimes these dry spells can be like a desert. They go on and on and on and on and we turn around, and it's been years. Now, first things first, whether it's a short dry spell or a long dry spell, it's normal. It is completely normal at some point in your life for this to happen. And it could be due to so many different reasons, stress, health issues, life challenges, busy schedule, the kids, so many reasons that we're going to and actually some of these we're going to explore of why this can happen. But the drum roll, please. What is important is how we manage it. It doesn't have to be something that's permanent. It doesn't have to be something that is the end of an era. It doesn't have to be something that we can't get back. How we handle it and how we navigate it to find ourselves back in the bubble of connection and intimacy is the most important thing. And recognising that we're in a dry spell and not just ignoring it, which again is something I know many couples do. So let's have a think and explore on how we can navigate these dry spells and how we can reconnect to ourselves and to our partner in really meaningful and fulfilling ways. So what I want to do first is have a bit of a deeper dive into understanding what we mean by a sexual dry spell and how that can show up in people's lives. Because it is a period of time where sexual activity decreases and this can be quite significant. It can really shatter a relationship when sex, intimacy, pleasure, touch, connection, either significantly decreases or stops. So what are the reasons that this might happen? Well stress and fatigue could be one where people are tired, stressed from work, the kids, life, daily responsibilities, like just all of those things that fill up our day and take a toll on our energy levels and our mood. It's those days when you get home from work and it's just the last thing that you want to do is engage in that level of intimacy with another human being. You're just too tired. Your body feels drained, your mind feels drained, your soul feels drained. You just couldn't even muster a juicy snog at the best. There's just nothing left in you. You've got no capacity for anything else. Another reason could be health issues, physical or mental health issues, where these can affect your libido and your sexual function. Physical health issues can physically prevent people connecting in intimacy for various reasons and also our mental health can affect our libido as can some of the medication that we're on or therapy that we're using. There can be lots of reasons that our health issues can prevent us from connecting to ourselves or to somebody else. That's as real as the stress and the fatigue. It's a real problem for many couples when one person is really struggling with that aspect. Emotional disconnection is another one that sometimes we just don't feel connected emotionally to intimacy and that can lead to less of it. We don't always have that emotional capacity to connect to that part of our life. These are those occasions and I know I've experienced this. It's the occasion where you show up for intimacy and it's just a physical process. You're not there. You're not connected to your partner. You're not connected to yourself. You're literally just going through the motions. You're going through the process of sex. You're going through the process of foreplay. You're just playing it out. There's no emotional connection. For whatever reason, you're just not emotionally involved in that situation. There can be a number of reasons that the health and the stress and the fatigue can certainly play a part in that. But there's just that time when it's just almost a numb feeling that you just can't connect. Then there's those beautiful situations in life like moving, changing jobs, having a baby, going through the menopause, retirement, all those big life events, kids leaving home, all those big life events that can impact on your connection to yourself or someone else. I know for me, a couple of times life events have been my catalyst for this situation in my life where I just couldn't connect to intimacy. A bereavement was definitely one. There was a time in my life where I felt very unhappy about who I was, and therefore couldn't connect to myself, let alone offer myself in a relationship as a partner, as an intimate connection. Around that time, I also had health issues. There was so much going on at work. It was that transition in my life where I was deciding to make the change between being a secondary school teacher and embracing my lifestyle choices in swinging and kink and BDSM and all of that stuff that I love. It was playing with my physical health, it was playing with my emotional health, I had alopecia, Route 12 syndrome, tonsillitis, depression, anxiety. It was just in such a really crappy place. As much as sex was the key part of my life, that was my bubble, that was my lifestyle choices, I could not in any level, shape or form connect with it. I just didn't know where I was in life. I was confused, I was lost, and sex was the one thing that dissipated. It just didn't exist in my life. I think what I did learn and what I have learned and what I continue to learn from my clients is that it is normal. At some point in our life, sex is on pause and may even stop. That it's a normal response to the ebb and the flow of life, that it's a normal response to being a human being. It doesn't mean that something's wrong with our relationship with ourselves or with someone else, or that there's anything wrong with our desire, or even our libido, in the sense of it being a physical thing. But it just means we don't have the capacity to be in that level of connection with ourself or somebody else. We're kind of living life on the surface. But there's good news, and I am the bearer of good news, because it doesn't have to last forever. Now, what do you think the biggest hurdle for overcoming these dry spells is? Yes, the silence. The silence where we don't talk about it. There is so much silence around this subject. And when there's silence in a relationship where there's dry spells, assumptions start to get made. Assumptions that they're not attracted to me anymore. Maybe they've lost their spark. Maybe I've lost my spark. Maybe they're having an affair. Maybe I've put on too much weight. They don't fancy me anymore. And it goes on, and on, and on, and on. And often, I have found in my own life, and in the clients that I've worked with, that those assumptions are often the furthest thing from the truth. But because no one wants to start the conversation, no one wants to open up a conversation about what's going on, nothing happens. Silence rules the bedroom. No one is talking. And no one is talking because no one wants to get it wrong. No one wants to say the wrong thing, upset anyone, be judged, rejected, ridiculed, accused, whatever it might be. But actually, do you know, the one thing that can literally turn this around is open communication. And approaching the topic with just this kindness and this curiosity with no blame, no shame, and no arguments and frustration. And the easiest way to do that, and the best way to do that, and the way that I advise, and this is a section in my program called the Business Success System. And so that when you've a couple of genes, the business success system, we're talking about the I statements. Now, we can very easily say, you've made me feel you did this, you blah, blah, blah, you blah, blah, blah. But actually, what we need to be doing is I because no one can make us feel anything. We choose how we feel, we choose what we tune into, we choose how we receive it. Well, I just want to interrupt for one second and say if you are loving this episode and loving business success, and want to discover how you can work with me, then why not book a call. Use the link within this episode, book a call, grab a cuppa and let's connect. Enjoy the rest of the episode. So I statements are really powerful. So things like, I've noticed we haven't been intimate lately. I'm curious about how you're feeling about this. I've noticed that I'm really tired at the moment. How is that impacting our relationship? I've noticed that things are different in the bedroom. And I'm curious as to whether you've noticed that as well. I'm feeling lost. I'm feeling unattractive at the moment. I'm feeling like we've lost a little bit of our spark. And I'd like to explore how we can get that back. It's about creating that safe, warm, caring space for you and your partner to have a conversation without judgment. No blame, no shame, no finger pointing, no finger wiggling, just exploring where both of you are at and what both of you want. And it's being honest about your needs, being honest about where you're at, sharing your feelings and your desires. Maybe you're missing that physical connection. Maybe you're craving more emotional closeness. Maybe you want to find that spark in your sex again. And encouraging your partner to do the same. Sometimes the issue isn't about sex at all. It's about that we don't always feel seen or heard or valued. That can hurt. Because if we don't feel that we're seen, heard and valued, we're giving from an empty cup. So all of that said, how can we get the flames flickering, the sparks flying and the fire burning in the bedroom? Well, I've got four key suggestions for how this can be done. And the first one is prioritizing quality time, making that time for each other that you set aside with no distractions, put your phones away, turn off that TV, just the two of you. And that might be a date night, a walk in the park, cooking dinner, prioritizing moments where you can just be together and connect. And if you're single, you can still do this. Finding time for you and rebuilding that relationship with you is just as important. Take yourself for a walk, take yourself out on a date night, cook yourself a beautiful dinner and reconnect to who you are. Have that time with you. Another is having physical affection without the pressure of sex. Touch doesn't always have to lead to sex and intercourse and orgasms. Cuddles, holding hands, giving each other a gentle massage, reigniting that physical closeness can just take that pressure out of performance. It doesn't have to be a destination on every journey. And again, you can do this with yourself or with someone else, but it's just taking that pressure out of there needing to be an end goal. And in all of this rediscovering playfulness and fun, when does sex get so blimming serious? When did it become that routine? When did it become the same old thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? Even down to who gets the tissue and who makes the tea. It doesn't have to be the same. You can bring some new dynamics into the bedroom, into foreplay, into life. Play a game, dance in the living room, try something new together. Just find the laughter and the play back in life again and use these as tools to reconnect. Again, we can do this just on our own. We can dance in the living room. We can try new things. We can play a game. We can find laughter in our life again, tapping into some of that oxytocin and serotonin without even needing to go in the bedroom, but just bringing those aspects back into our life. And with all of that, having gratitude and appreciation for ourself and for each other. Focusing on the highlights and the positives in our day and in our relationship. Sometimes we can spend so much time focusing on what we don't have, we forget what we do. Maybe we do get a kiss in the morning as someone goes out the door. Maybe we do have that glance across the dining room table that just makes you tingle all over. Maybe there are times when we just hold each other and you can feel that love and connection and that intimacy without them needing to be sex. And sometimes we focus on the wrong bit. And when you are ready to tap back into that physical aspect of intimacy and you're ready to reignite those physical flames, then be gentle, be nice, be kind. Take it slow. What's the rush? I know so many couples that kind of light a bit of a spark and expect the flames to flicker straight away. And that's not always the case. Take the pressure off focusing on what will be and just allow things to unfold. Spend time exploring each other's bodies without the goal of sex. In fact, have nights where you set that you will not have sex but just connect in whatever way feels good. This can help build that anticipation and comfort. It can build that trust back in the relationship, that connection, that respect, that bond. And be open to trying new things, exploring those fantasies and those desires. There might be some you didn't even know you had. And change things up, get out of those routines. Try something new, add some excitement, add some novelty. And it doesn't have to be anything extreme, just something different. Get creative, get playful. And yes, let's remember to communicate and have our consent and our boundaries and make sure both are on the same page. Discuss what feels good, what doesn't and what you'd like to try. Have that communication, have a space where you can have those conversations. Do a bucket list, have an evening where it's just talking about fantasies and desires. Make it into a game. There's so many opportunities here to just reignite, rediscover, re-explore, revamp, revive you, your sex life and your relationship. And remember to be patient and compassionate with each other. Rebuilding intimacy and connection can take time. Remember that it's okay to have setbacks. It's okay to have a night off. It doesn't have to be all the time. Don't have too big expectations, too quick. Celebrate the small steps. Don't put too much pressure on yourselves and just enjoy the journey. It's important to remember that despite our best efforts, reconnecting can be challenging, particularly if there's been a significant period of lapse and that's okay. It's okay for you to take a little while to find your feet. Wait for each other. And if you're finding it difficult to get back on track, then you can always consider seeking some support from a therapist, from a coach, someone who specialises in communication or relationships, sex and sexuality. There is no shame in asking for help. And remember, you can always reach out to me and book a call. I'm more than happy to connect with you and discuss some of these challenges that everybody faces at some point in their life. You are not alone. We've all been there. It's just whether you choose to take the action to make the change. And remember, navigating a sexual dry spell doesn't have to be a source of stress or frustration. Make it fun. You and your partner can find a way back to each other. Often with a deeper sense of intimacy, a deeper connection and a deeper understanding of each other. And I guess the last thing that I probably want to add to this is when we're happy and we're content and we're connected and in flow with sex, intimacy and pleasure, when we've surrendered to playfulness, the joy, the connection and just that beautiful yumminess that sex, intimacy and pleasure can bring alone or with someone else, when we've really tapped into that energy, everything in life changes because we're happy. We have that little bit of a spring in our step. Every day just feels a little bit lighter, a little bit less stressful. People around us don't feel so challenging. Life doesn't feel so challenging and we can take on life in a new way. So by making time to overcome these dry spells, by putting in the effort and making the change, grasping this aspect of your life with both hands and any other part of your body you wish to use, there is a significant ripple effect in every other area of your life and I've seen it. I've done it. I've seen it so many times with the couples I've worked with, with individuals I've worked with. When we lose that connection, we lose a sense of self and when we find it, we can show up in the world in a whole new beautiful different way. So take the action, make the change because you have every opportunity to lead an orgasmic life. That's all for me for now. I'll see you on the next episode. Take care. Thank you for joining me on Business Sexcess, empowering business professionals and entrepreneurs to lead an orgasmic life.