Mutual Self-Giving In Marriage

When we read Paul’s first letter to the church in Corinth, we see a church whose attitudes and actions are sometimes indistinguishable from the Roman culture around them. The church in Corinth is messy and divided, but it belongs to God. The letter of 1 Corinthians shows us a beautiful picture of how the gospel can bring transformation and renewal to every area of life. 

Transcript

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Scripture reading text for today is First Corinthians chapter seven verses one through seven. You can find the passage in the Sanctuary Bible on page seventeen thirty-eight. Now, for the matters you wrote about, it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband shall fulfill this marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God. One has this gift, another has that. Here ends the reading.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Morning, everyone. Hope you're doing well this morning on this beautiful, warm, unseasonably warm February morning. Uh, if I have not yet had the chance to meet you, I get to serve here as the lead pastor of Elmwood. My name is John. And uh whether you are here for the first time as our guest today or whether you've been here for many, many years, uh, we're excited that you are here. Uh grateful to be together with you this morning. Uh for the last number of weeks, we have been gathering food items to support a small Hispanic congregation that meets in our building on a different night of the week. And this past Friday I received uh a note from them, a thank you note, and some pictures that I would like to share with you this morning. Uh these are the folks who received the donations that we have been collecting over these last number of weeks. And uh I love seeing uh seeing the the real people whose lives are impacted by this. Uh, let me read this note of gratitude that comes from Pastor Francisco. He says, Dear Elmwood Church family, we are truly grateful for your donations, which have greatly blessed each family that received them. Your great kindness has touched the hearts of people who truly needed to feel a genuine embrace from their neighbors. With this action, you showed love for your neighbor as yourself, regardless of skin color, race, social status, or language. You simply opened a path of blessing to people you don't know and may never meet. But above all, you opened a great door of blessing for yourselves, for it is more blessed to give than to receive. We bless you and pray that you will reap an abundant harvest from this sowing to give glory to Jesus. Pastor Francisco. So awesome. So amazing to see uh again the impact that we're able to have in the lives of our immigrant brothers and sisters who meet in our own building. Thank you to those of you who uh have in the past and are still contributing to these uh non-perishable food donations that we're gathering. Uh, as long as people keep bringing food, we're gonna keep giving it to them. Uh so uh please uh you can make sure to drop it outside the office door. There's a sign on the wall out there where you can drop it. Um but thank you. Thank you for loving and caring for this small immigrant community that is right here in our midst. Also, if you're looking for other ways to support people in our community right now, uh let me point you to some resources. I know the font is small on here, so can I just tell you uh if you go to the digital bulletin, uh scan the QR code on the blue card in front of you, there is uh a link to a page on our website that has all this information. Um here's some uh organizations uh that we think are worthwhile for you to get connected with. The main reason that we point you to these is because we don't think it's helpful to just reduplicate great work that other people are doing. If there's other ministries and organizations that are doing awesome things on the ground already, we don't want to try and do something ourselves. We want to just point you towards them to be able to get connected in that way. Uh so we want to point you to those resources again. Head to the digital bulletin or take a picture if you want right now before the slide goes away. Uh lastly, I'll just say this: if you want to get involved but you don't know which of these opportunities is right for you, or if you don't know where to start, can I uh point you to two people? Uh Christina Eden, would you stand up? And Missy Parker. She got added to the list this morning. You can stand up. Uh, these are two amazing women in our church who uh love and have a heart for immigrants, as uh many of you do. And so they're connected uh with some of these organizations. And if you just would like a resource, uh please make sure to uh connect with them after the service this morning, and uh, we just encourage you to find them and go uh have a conversation with them face to face about it. So uh with that, let me invite you to join me in a word of prayer as we come to these verses this morning. God, this morning we need your help. Lord, these verses that are in front of us this morning are sometimes confusing. We talk about things that uh oftentimes we tend to shy away from in environments like this. And so, God, I'm asking this morning that you would please meet each one of us here today. God, you know the hearts of the people who are gathered in this room, whether they know you or whether they are far from you. God, you know what each one of us needs to hear from you today. God, I'm asking that you would prevent us from hearing anything that would be unhelpful this morning. And I'm asking for you to make clear the things that we need to hear this morning. Help me to step out of the way, God, so that we can see Jesus clearly and see what this passage is leading us to and how this should affect the ways that we live. So help us now, we pray. In Jesus' name. Amen. Uh we are in a series going through the letter that we call 1 Corinthians, and in this middle section of the book, in chapters 5 through 7 in particular, we are coming across the kinds of passages that don't often make it into children's Bibles, or don't ever make it into children's Bibles, actually, and it's for good reason. But this is this is the real stuff of life. As you read about uh the dysfunction that existed in the Church of Corinth, uh, this is what it looks like for people who have grown up in a in a in a cultural environment and have been steeped in the values of the Roman Empire and are now trying to relearn what it looks like to live as members of the kingdom of God. What it looks like to live as members of this new family, the church. And so this this is a this is a hard and difficult thing, is to spend your whole life being steeped in one set of values and then one culture, and then to have to learn what it looks like to follow Jesus the way that we were designed. And this is not something that the Corinthians only deal with. This is what this is uh the experience that we all have too, is we have grown up, many of us for years in uh the culture around us, and when we follow Jesus, there's so many things that we have to unlearn and relearn the way that we are supposed to. And so this is uh this is a thing that I don't know about you, but I can feel lots of empathy for the Corinthians as Paul's giving them these instructions. I think, man, this is so hard, and also like it's hard for me too. So uh this is what we're uh stepping into this morning. These uh this passage is the kind of passage that uh pastors tend to avoid because what do you do with this? Right? Um just uh I'm curious by show of hands, how many of you remember hearing a sermon on this passage before in the past? Okay, very small number of you, so like this is gonna be fun, okay? Here's how I would like to approach this today. Uh I want to just look at the this passage and ask three questions. I want to ask what's happening, what's the result, and what's the solution? Okay, let's just explore this passage this way, and uh we'll see the relevance of this as we move along. So, first question what's happening? What's happening in these verses and why is it happening? Well, one of the unique things about the book of 1 Corinthians is that Paul directly interacts with some things that the Corinthians had actually written to him in a letter. Now, for some of Paul's letters, you have to kind of, it's like you're listening to one side of a phone conversation, and you have to, you can kind of piece together what's happening on the other side. But here in the book of 1 Corinthians, Paul directly quotes from this letter, so we are not uh here guessing or wondering at what the Corinthians were thinking or uh what their what their frame of mind was or how they were living. So here's what it is that the Corinthians are saying. We see it in chapter 7, verse 1, where Paul quotes them saying, It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. Now, what we can gather from this question and from the rest of what Paul says here in these verses is that what's happening here is this spouses are denying one another sexually. That's the subject or the situation that Paul is addressing here. There were spouses who were denying one another sexually. And obviously, this is uh written in uh from the male perspective, but uh because of the way that Paul responds here and the way that he talks about both men and women, I think it's likely that there were both men and women who were depriving their spouses sexually, and here's why. So we've we've talked about this uh in a in a previous message, how the city of Corinth was very strongly influenced by Plato and other Greek philosophers. And their sort of uh way of viewing the world said spiritual things are really good and material things are really bad. And so that sort of dualistic way of viewing the world is what led to, ironically, two very different uh expressions. So, on the one hand, that way of that dualistic way of viewing the world led to uh what's called hedonism or uh overindulgence or the pursuit of pleasure, and the thought process goes like this our bodies don't really matter all that much. And so, therefore, it doesn't matter what we do with our bodies. If we've got all these urges, these all these impulses, you should just go ahead and give into it because now your body doesn't really matter. And we can see in the Church of Corinth that there are some who are visiting prostitutes, their sexual immorality, we see that people are getting drunk at the communion table on the wine, and so we see this pursuit of pleasure among the Corinthians throughout this letter. But then the other side of this is asceticism. So on the one hand, this sort of dualistic way of view in the world led to overindulgence, but then on the other hand, it led to asceticism or underindulgence, or to the rejection of pleasure. And the thought process in that goes like this our bodies are full of urges and impulses that are bad because our physical bodies are bad. And so things that you do in and with your body, you should reject those pleasurable things because it's it's sort of it's defiled because it's physical. And so these were the two ways, uh the two sort of uh different ways that this uh this dualistic worldview were expressing themselves. And what we see in these verses is that some spouses in the Corinthian church have adopted this ascetic mindset, and they are now withholding sex from their spouse. So that's what's happening, and that's sort of our our our best guess as to why it's happening. And so then the next question is okay, well, what's the result of this? Well, the result is that both spouses are now sinning against one another. Both spouses are now sinning against one another. So, on the one hand, what we see here is we see the sin of withholding sex. I need to pause for a moment here, okay, before you lose your minds. Okay, can I just be really clear about what Paul is not saying and about what I am not saying? Paul is not saying that you are obligated to have sex as often as your spouse wants, and if you say no, it's a sin. He's not saying that, I'm not saying that. He's not talking about a single instance of a spouse saying, not tonight. He's not talking about a single instance of a spouse who says, This week has been insane, and I'm ready to fall into bed and sleep for another week and a half later. That's not what he's talking about here. He's talking about one spouse choosing a life of celibacy for the other spouse. He's talking about one spouse unilaterally deciding to eliminate sex from their marriage altogether. That's what he's addressing here. And the way that they are withholding sex is morally wrong. Let me show you where I see this in the text. So listen in verse 3 and 4. He says, the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but yields it to his wife. So here he's talking about the fulfillment of marital obligations and duties with one another, and he says this in the positive. He says you should fulfill your marital responsibilities. And what he's saying here is that when you enter the covenant of marriage, you are committing and giving your whole self, including your body to one another. And he talks about how this one flesh union makes it so that your body doesn't just belong to you anymore, your body belongs to your spouse because your two lives have been joined together in a unique and beautiful and intimate way. Now, what's remarkable about this is that Paul talks about this on both sides. He says you should fulfill your marital obligations and duties to your spouse, and then he goes on to say uh that you don't have authority over your own body, but you yield it to your spouse. And what's remarkable about this is that Paul's writing into a largely patriarchal culture, and he does not just say, Women, remember that your husband has authority over your body. He says, Husbands, remember that your wife has authority over your body too. And so it's both husband and wife who have a claim on the very body of their spouse because they've entered into this one flesh union. So positively, he says, you ought to fulfill your marital duties and responsibilities with your spouse. But then listen to how he says it in verse 5, where he says it in the negative. In verse 5, he says, Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. So this word that he uses here that's translated deprive in our English translations is a very strong word. It's the word that he used earlier in chapter six. It's a word that literally means to rob or to steal or to defraud someone. And he used this just previously in 1 Corinthians chapter 6 when he's talking about how they're suing one another. And he's like, guys, you're defrauding one another of material possessions that rightly belong to you. So he uses this earlier in chapter 6 when he talks about the sin of defrauding one another. And this is the same word that James uses in James chapter 5, when he speaks a word of judgment against wealthy landowners who have defrauded their workers by refusing to pay wages to them that they are owed. They have deprived their workers of what rightly belongs to them. And Paul uses this word to talk about what the Corinthians are doing to one another sexually. This is a morally loaded word. And Paul talks about this in such a way that makes it clear that what they are doing to one another sexually is they are sinning against one another in their actions. So on the one hand, there is the sin of withholding sex, but on the other hand, there's a sin of sexual immorality that's also taking place. So in verse 2, he makes it very clear that the result of these spouses that are holding out on one another is that sexual immorality is taking place. Now, scholars generally agree that Paul has taken what he talks about here in this passage and what comes right before this, they're pretty sure that he put these right next to each other on purpose. So here today, he's talking about spouses holding out on one another sexually, and the result being that sexual immorality is taking place, and this is just after he's talked about prostitution. And if that connection is correct, what it means is that some spouses, some members of the Corinthian church were visiting prostitutes in order to fulfill sexual needs that their spouse has now refused to meet. So that's what's happening. But whatever the expression of their sexual immorality, it probably took many other forms as well, whatever the expression of their sexual immorality, it is so important that we see here that Paul does, Paul says nothing here in these verses that would lead us to believe that their sexual immorality is justified. He doesn't say, you know, it's wrong for you to visit prostitutes, it's wrong for you to express your sexuality outside of marriage in this way. But, you know, it's understandable because your spouse is holding out on you. There's no room given for them to justify that kind of behavior. The sin of one spouse sexually does not excuse the sexual sin of the other spouse. And so the same thing he says to them in chapter six when he talks about sexual immorality, and he says, flee from it, is the same perspective he has when he talks about the sin of sexual immorality that's taking place among these spouses who were who are refusing to have sex with their husband or wife. Flee from sexual immorality. So both spouses here are sinning against one another. That's what's happening. So, what's the solution to this? I want to suggest that the solution is mutual self-giving that's rooted in the gospel. The solution to all these problems that the church in Corinth has, especially as it relates to sex here, is mutual self-giving that's rooted in the gospel. So on the one hand, there's a fairly obvious sexual application to this. Okay, and it's for married couples, married couples only, the application is the enjoyment of each other through sex is a good and reasonable expectation in a marriage. Paul assumes, because he's steeped in the Hebrew Bible, he assumes that marriage is good and that sex is good. But some have misunderstood these verses here and heard Paul saying, marriage and sex are a concession. For if you don't have a strong enough will to be celibate or be single, eh, you should give yourself over to marriage because then at least you can put those sexual desires in the right direction. That's not the way Paul thinks. We'll talk about singleness and celibacy in a future message. Uh, but what's important to see is that the only concession Paul gives here, he does give a concession. The concession he gives here is not you should get married. The concession is not you should have sex within marriage. The concession is you should abstain from sex for a short time. Period of time that's clearly defined so that you can focus on prayer. That's the only thing Paul can envision as being a good reason to not have sex in marriage. And it needs to be mutual, it needs to be done together. It's the only reason that he can think of. So on one level, the application is that married spouses should give their bodies to one another on a regular basis. And of course, there's I understand the complexity of there, there's all sorts of stuff in here as it relates to age and personality and health, and there's so many factors. Please don't hear me saying there's a quota, there's a number we should have in mind. Nothing like that. Paul is just saying it's good for couples to regularly engage in sex together in the context of marriage. So on the one hand, there is a clear sexual application to this, and on the other hand, it's so important we see here that this is not just about sex. We have to remember that in this letter, Paul is addressing, he's speaking to a very specific situation. And most importantly, we have to remember that Paul doesn't say everything about marriage here that there is to say about marriage. He speaks to marriage more extensively in Ephesians chapter 5, which we'll talk about in a moment. So we have to sort of supplement what we know the Bible teaches about marriage and what we know Paul teaches about marriage, and not hear what he's saying here without that other stuff informing our thinking. So what I'm trying to say is that while sex is the subject here, sex isn't the point. All these sexual problems they have are the outward manifestation of something deeper. The problem that exists in the church in Corinth is a lack of mutual submission between spouses. The problem in Corinth is that one spouse has chosen celibacy not just for themselves, but also for their spouse. So one spouse is saying, I don't care what you want, I don't care what you need, I'm choosing celibacy, deal with it. And the other spouse is saying, Okay, fine, if you're not going to meet my sexual needs, I'll go find a way to have those met in some other way. And so there's not mutual submission to one another, there's not mutual love, there's not mutual understanding. You have spouses that are sinning against one another, their marriages are being torn apart, and if you remember what Paul said earlier in the letter about the devastating effects of sexual immorality on the church community, not only are these spouses and these relationships fracturing and falling apart because of this, it's introducing sexual immorality into the church community, which Paul says is a poison and it's defiling the purity and the holiness of God's people, and you have to run from it. On the one hand, there is a sexual application for this. On the other hand, what Paul wants for them is not just more sex. It's not the point. The point is not just have more sex, the point is more mutual submission to one another in marriage. Let me offer two points of application. I'll speak first to those who are married and then uh secondly to those who are single. Uh so first to those who are married, I think the the application for us in this, if you're married here today, uh, is this model your marriage after the pattern of the gospel. Model your marriage after the pattern of the gospel. So in his letter to the church in Ephesus, Paul gives what is maybe the most beautiful and complete sort of uh picture theology teaching on marriage that might exist in the entire Bible. And central to his teaching on marriage is mutual love and submission to one another. So he says, wives, submit yourself to your husbands, which in the modern world rubs us the wrong way, doesn't it, for many of us. But then he goes on to say, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. Which, if you have looked at how Jesus loved the church, you recognize that's a harder thing to do. Wives are called to submit, husbands are called to die. And so this whole theology of marriage is built upon wives submitting themselves to their husbands, husbands loving and dying for their wives, and this picture of mutual submission is at the very heart of what Paul understands marriage to be. This is what the Corinthians are missing. They're missing the mutual love and submission to one another. They're not remembering what this one-flesh union is that they have entered into. In Ephesians 5, Paul talks about how marriage, even the best marriages, are only a foreshadowing of something better. Even the best marriages point to something beyond themselves. So the unity and the intimacy and the joy of even the best marriages is like a two-year-old's finger painting compared to a Rembrandt. It is. Marriage points us to the cross, Paul says, where we see God's self-giving love displayed in the person and in the work of Jesus. And he says, this is the pattern that we follow in marriage. Is your marriage is this is a small little microcosm picture of this greater thing, which is Christ's relationship with his bride, the church. Seeing and believing the gospel more and more deeply is what leads us to self-giving acts of love for our spouse. So if you're married, the application is model your marriage after this pattern. Look to what God has done in Christ, look to the ways that Christ loved the church and loved his bride and gave himself for her, and let that influence the way that you live. Let that mutual submission be what you pattern your marriage after. Next, let me say something briefly to those of you who are single. If you're here today and you're single, whether it's because you're too young to be married, or you're just not married yet, or you have been divorced or lost a spouse, or for whatever reason it is that you are single here today, you are called to the same exact thing that spouses are called to. So model your life after the pattern of the gospel as well. All of us, whether we are married or not, are called to a life of mutual submission and self-giving acts of love to one another. Of course, there are unique and additional ways that this expresses itself in the covenant of marriage, but each and every one of us who call ourselves followers of Jesus is expected to, is called to cultivate the character that is modeled in the gospel. What Paul says to husbands and wives in Ephesians chapter 5 is actually a smaller part of a larger section of that book where he speaks to the household of the church, the community of the church, and the overarching command that he gives to the entire church, before he even talks about husbands and wives or children and parents, or slaves and masters, employers and employees, before he talks about any of that, he gives this overarching command to the entire church. And he says, Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. All of us in the church are called to live this life of mutual love and submission for and towards one another. This is not just about husbands and wives. He says something similar in Philippians chapter 2 when he says this. He says, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourself, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interest of others. So again, he points to the message of the gospel. He points us to Jesus and Jesus' example of humility and self-giving, self-sacrificing love. How Jesus humbled himself to the point of death. He points us to that radical act of love and generosity that is the cross. And we're then called to model our lives after what we see Jesus doing. So the heart of what Paul wants for these married Corinthians is what he wants for the church collectively, which is mutual love and submission to one another. Of course, that looks different in different kinds of relationships, but that's the heart of what Paul wants for the church. As we grow in this life of mutual love and submission, the way that we do it is by continually looking to the cross, by continually looking to what God has done for us in Jesus, how he loved us and gave his life for us, how he considered our needs and put those needs above his own preferences and his own desires. And as we look to the cross and as we see what Jesus has done for us, that gives us the power to actually go and do this life of mutual submission to one another. The communion table is one of the ways that we get to respond each week to the good news about Jesus. And in the book of Revelation, it talks about new creation. And it talks about how this new creation reality is described as a wedding feast. It's the wedding feast of the Lamb. And again, what that points to is that human marriage is only a signpost pointing to the greater reality of God's covenant relationship with his people. And all of us, whether we're married or not, get to participate in a foretaste of that greater reality, of that wedding feast of the Lamb. We get to participate in that now, in this moment today. And so I invite you to come and to receive Christ at the communion table, to remember what he has done for you, and to let your life be one of mutual love and submission for your brothers and sisters in Christ, for your spouses.