Everyone Deserves Healthy Relationships!

In our third episode of Campus Conversations, we look at what makes a healthy relationship—from friendships to romantic relationships, sexual relationships, and family relationships. We’ll take a deeper dive into ways to make new connections, ways to approach conflict resolution, and ways to practice consent. We feature mini-interviews with students at WWU, and our special guest is Deidre Evans, Survivor Advocacy Services Coordinator in the Counseling and Wellness Center.

Transcript

WWU Campus Conversations Episode 3 Transcript

0:01
I’m shaggy sitting by a fountain 
Having conversations 
About well-being and how to be alive 
I’m sitting with my fish friend 
Feeling all my feelings 
Asking what it would be like if we could thrive 
We can thrive 
It’s Campus Conversations
It's Campus Conversations
It's Campus Conversations
It's Campus Conversations

0:40
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Campus Conversations.

0:44
We are a student founded and led production through the Counseling and Wellness Center at Western Washington University.

0:49
Our goal is to spark conversation about mental and sexual well-being, consent and healthy relationships, and substance harm reduction because it's OK to talk about it.

0:58
In past episodes, we've discussed the Wellness Advocate program, wellness resources available to students here at Western, stress and stress resiliency.

1:08
You can find these episodes on our Spotify if you want to check them out after listening to this one.

1:12
In today's episode, we're going to be talking about consent and relationships of all kinds, whether that's friendships, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, or family relationships.

1:22
Alright, time for some quick introductions.

1:24
My name is Fiona.

1:25
I use they/them pronouns and I'm studying public health here at Western.

1:29
What about you?

1:30
My name is Charlie.

1:31
I use she/her pronouns and I'm studying communication studies here at Western.

1:36
So exciting.

1:37
So my intro question for us today is what is your definition of love?

1:43
I think about love all the time and one phrase that passes through my mind all the time is to love and be loved is to be changed.

1:50
Love is approaching the world with an openness to being influenced by the people around me.

1:55
Love is a lens to view the world through.

1:57
Every day looks a little different because I'm a little different and the world is different and we change and grow together.

2:02
Love in action is connection in this ever-changing world.

2:06
OK, snaps to that.

2:08
I feel like my definition is kind of similar.

2:11
To me, love is a lot of things.

2:12
It's a state of being, a choice, and action.

2:15
Love is kind of being open to the beauty around us and the possibility of what could be, while also being willing to be the person to put that beauty and possibility out into the world in the first place.

2:26
I really center on that idea of being open.

2:28
Like, just imagine a room that's filled with golden light coming through the window. Once you pull back the curtain, letting people see your grief, excitement, joy, and also being open with care and gentleness to any of these parts that someone shares with you.

2:40
I love that so much.

2:42
So much vulnerability in love.

2:44
Yes, we love love.

2:47
So, Fiona, why are we even talking about relationships today?

2:50
I'm so glad you asked, Charlie.

2:53
The answer is because relationships are integral to life.

2:56
Relationships with the people around us allow us to feel supported, feel connected, laugh, celebrate, and hold each other in hard moments.

3:04
However, relationships can also make us feel hurt, scared, or angry.

3:08
Knowing how to navigate relationships and advocate for both ourselves and the people we care about so much is really tricky.

3:14
Like people, relationships are nuanced and complex.

3:18
Now, I feel like the term healthy relationships is a bit of a buzzword right now with some assumptions I wanted to clear the air on.

3:25
When we're talking about healthy relationships, we're talking about relationships where people feel safe, can show up authentically, and have open communication, even about the hard things.

3:33
Thanks for clarifying that, Charlie.

3:34
I think that's a really good point.

3:36
In this episode, we're going to talk more about these types of relationships and how we can go about building them ourselves.

3:42
So we got a chance to interview some students around Western and hear about some relationship dynamics.

3:47
The first question we asked was, “What's the biggest green flag you look for when meeting new people?”

3:53
I guess just a good communication, just like being open and honest, general level of openness and just willingness to socialize and additionally kind of understand where I'm at and where they're at.

4:06
And just I'd say mutual enthusiasm, healthy conversations about boundaries, and being able to have, you know, productive conflict when you need to is a good thing, I think.

4:18
But like conflict and confrontation, to me is able to have like a conversation without, you know, bringing like anger and things like that into it.

4:27
Just saying how you feel, like, making sure you're expressing your boundaries so they get respected.

4:34
I definitely resonated with emotional maturity being a green flag to me.

4:38
Emotional maturity doesn't mean you have it all figured out all the time or that you're this connoisseur of emotions.

4:44
It's more like you're able to recognize when you're having an emotional reaction to something, acknowledge that reaction, and start to think about what you might need in that moment, especially if you're feeling emotions like anger or hurt.

4:55
It also means being able to empathize with the people around you, to just listen to them and really make them feel heard, seen, and understood.

5:02
All those good things, it's not really the mastery of emotions, but more so the willingness to engage with them.

5:09
I appreciate how you describe emotional maturity, maturity as an awareness of your own emotions, and also like willingness to engage and connect with people in regards to how they're feeling.

5:19
Thank you.

5:20
Next, we ask students, “What does a healthy relationship look like for you?”

5:25
For me, a healthy relationship is one where you can learn from each other in every aspect.

5:34
So just like little things here and there throughout the day, but also like emotionally trusting people, sharing a sense of humor, being able to tell people things and confide in them and having them support you as much as you support them.

5:49
Having them be there for you.

5:52
This brings us right into our next question.

5:54
How do you deal with conflict in your relationships?

5:58
Typically, I feel like communication is the biggest key, and a lot of people think that communication is just immediately jumping into what is the issue and how can we fix it.

6:07
But I feel like a bigger thing to focus on in conflict is when communication works.

6:14
Sometimes you need to take a break, sometimes you need to clarify what that break is before you jump into the break, and sometimes you kind of just have to talk it out there in the moment.

6:27
Feeling a conflict in a relationship is all about the communication and trying to strive for understanding rather than just being heard yourself.

6:35
Sometimes taking a second and being quiet and just listening will help a lot.

6:40
Or knowing when you need space to.

6:44
A lot of the time we don't have our heads on fully straight in an argument and you need to just take a step back, say I need some space, give me a minute, let me think about this, and let's come back to it.

6:53
And then you can come back later and have a better, more open, and productive conversation.

7:00
I thought it was cool that multiple people talked about taking space or time before jumping into a conversation about whatever just went down.

7:07
As long as you're not avoiding the conflict forever, it can be really helpful for everyone involved to take a second and regroup once the heat of the moment has passed.

7:15
After all, the point of having a conversation about conflict is not to create more conflict, but really to have an opportunity to clearly communicate with those around us.

7:24
It can also be helpful to let the person you're in a conflict with know that you need more time to cool down so that they understand that you aren't just ghosting them and leaving them hanging.

7:34
I felt that.

7:35
Good job, you guys.

7:35
Shout out to everyone who participated in our interviews.

7:37
You are awesome.

7:40
In these interviews, we can hear that students really value communication, conflict resolution, and consent.

7:45
The question is how do we put these things into action in our relationships?

7:49
That is a good question.

7:50
To answer it, we're going to hear from Western Survivor Advocacy Services Coordinator Deidre Evans, who is being interviewed by our friend Sorina to talk about all things relationships.

8:01
Over to you, Sorina and Deidre.

8:04
Hello. Welcome to another episode of Campus Conversations.

8:08
I'm Sorina, I'm a Wellness Advocate.

8:10
And today for interview, we have a lovely guest.

8:14
Would you like to introduce yourself?

8:16
Sure.

8:17
My name is Deidre Evans.

8:18
I use she/her pronouns and I am the Survivor Advocacy Services Coordinator here at Western.

8:25
Before we get into the interview, we like to ask all of our guests a silly question.

8:31
And because this episode is about healthy relationships and all of the different ways to love different people in your life, I would like to know if you could have anything that was shaped like a heart, what would it be?

8:45
Oh, that's a great question and I'm probably going to take this too seriously.

8:50
Let's see, I really like house plants.

8:56
And so I'm envisioning like, how could you have a heart-shaped house plant?

9:00
I love that so much.

9:01
I don't know if that's possible.

9:04
I feel like it should be possible.

9:06
I was thinking I would love a house that's shaped like a heart with furniture and windows and doors, everything heart-shaped because why not?

9:18
See, that's really cool, too.

9:19
You went there.

9:20
You went like one step above.

9:22
I had one item in the house.

9:23
You have the house.

9:25
I love it.

9:26
All right, so would you like to go into what your role is at Western and what you do?

9:31
Yeah, great question.

9:33
So like I said, I'm the Survivor Advocacy Services Coordinator, and my primary role is working and supporting students who have had experiences of violence and abuse, more particularly experiences of relationship abuse.

9:50
People may also use the terms intimate partner dating or domestic violence, supporting students who have had experiences of sexual violence and abuse, stalking and/or sexual harassment.

10:04
I do like to share with folks that they don't have to use the terms that I'm using.

10:09
So I may refer to the students I work with as survivors or use some of the terms that I just shared, but that that's not required for someone to seek support.

10:20
But my primary role is supporting student survivors here on campus.

10:25
I can say the top reason that students often share that they're connecting with me as they're seeking some type of emotional support.

10:35
They're looking to speak to someone who on some level can understand what it is that they've experienced, why they may be feeling the things that they're feeling, why they may have concerns related to personal safety.

10:48
And so that's one of the main reasons that I see students reach out.

10:53
And then within that, my role is to really talk about a variety of options and resources.

11:00
So I talk about them as they're not requirements, but if someone wants to know what could I do in terms of academic accommodations or how can I feel safer on campus, wanting to look at different housing options with thinking about employment, thinking about future relationships.

11:18
We really can go in a variety of directions and it's up to the student to really decide what is feeling important for them, what it is that they're looking for.

11:28
And then my role is to help kind of connect and support in that process.

11:32
That's really great. Thank you for sharing.

11:34
It's very like student led and oriented and gives students a lot of autonomy, which is very cool.

11:41
And I find that that's an important, like an important pillar of advocacy work because when anyone experiences violence or abuse, what we talk about is someone's power, choice and autonomy being taken away, right?

11:55
So other people doing hurtful and harmful things to a person.

11:59
And so in that process, right, the student, the survivor should be in charge of the next steps, right?

12:04
Their voice is the most important.

12:07
And I'm here to kind of uplift that voice or advocate when people aren't listening to them.

12:12
Definitely.

12:13
We're so grateful for you.

12:15
So to go a little bit into like the topics of our episode, what are some tips on how to build connections with others and allow intimacy to form in relationships?

12:28
I think the first thing that comes to my mind is time, right?

12:34
So we're thinking about, and this is a hard one because we're all probably looking for relationships, connection, community.

12:43
We know that a lot of people can be experiencing isolation over the last few years.

12:50
And so it is hard to say that one of the tips is time.

12:53
But I think that it's important to know that that is really how you build strong connections as you have to, you have to be able to trust people, right?

13:03
Or you have to be able to trust yourself that this is someone that you want to be close with, vulnerable with.

13:09
And so I, I usually suggest like taking a pause and kind of reminding people it takes time to build those connections.

13:17
I think something that can help or kind of start fueling that is thinking about what are like interests that you have, right?

13:25
What are experiences that you have, values that you have, and where are spaces where you could be with other people who align with that, where you can first make that connection and decide, yes, this is maybe a group or people that I want to get closer with.

13:42
And through that shared interest or shared connection, right, then that trust can build, that vulnerability can build.

13:53
It's kind of what first comes to my mind.

13:55
Yeah, I love that.

13:56
Definitely.

13:57
Like the shared interest I think is probably one of the easiest ways for college students to build relationships and whether it be academics or like outside of school activities, just finding someone that you can connect with over something you both enjoy.

14:13
It's huge.

14:14
And it's a great way to even think about trying something new, right?

14:18
Because you can, you can do it sometimes a little lower stakes where you're like, well, go to this one event, right?

14:25
Or I know one person who is in that club or who's in that space.

14:30
And So what if I go and see if there's someone that I could have a conversation with around that particular shared interest and then see, oh, do we actually like seem to connect?

14:40
We have similar sense of humor or we have other things in common, right.

14:45
And then the other part that's hard is that we have to be able to figure out how to put ourselves out there, right, and to ask what it is that we're wanting and be very kind of clear in our communication if we're seeking to form some form of relationship with another person.

15:02
In this episode, we're talking a lot about how there's no hierarchy, or at least there should not be a hierarchy of which relationships are most important in people's lives.

15:13
And we wanted to go a little bit into what nonsexual intimacy can look like.

15:18
So what are some examples of how that can look in different relationships?

15:23
Yeah.

15:24
So I think that oftentimes when we hear the word intimacy, people automatically think some form of sexual relationship.

15:32
And so I think that's great that you're kind of thinking about it as an aspect of intimacy, but not solely intimacy.

15:41
I think that there's a lot of other ways that people physically connect that isn't inherently sexual that make people feel close to one another, right?

15:49
So that could be roommates who like to give each other hugs when they come home, right?

15:54
Or if they've been gone for the weekend, or people who like to do movie nights with friends and they like to cuddle up on the couch together.

16:02
That's like a way of being intimate and close with people that isn't necessarily sexual.

16:07
But I also think intimacy can be support, right?

16:11
How do we show up for those in our life who are really maybe going through a hard time?

16:16
And what is it that we can offer?

16:18
Is that a listening ear or is that something concrete?

16:21
Like let me cook dinner for you, right?

16:24
We don't automatically think that those are intimate, but I kind of think of intimacy as closeness and feeling safe in that closeness with other people.

16:33
A friendship conflict that has occurred, something that was said hurt your feelings or, or a boundary that folks had around cleanliness of the house has been crossed and now there is conflict there, right?

16:47
It's important to know a conversation is going to need to occur and we're going to have to be able to ask for what it is that we might be needing.

16:58
But it's also important to talk from the place of your personal experience, right?

17:04
So this is not the time to point fingers or kind of use the opportunity to tear another person down, but it's really thinking about what is the resolution that I am seeking.

17:18
And then we also have to allow space for the other person to think through, OK, well, what was the conflict for them and what is it that they can maybe shift in terms of the dynamic and what are they potentially needing as well, right.

17:34
So it gets, it can get complicated, but I think we make it complicated because we don't really talk about conflict in relationships, right?

17:43
And it can be really hard depending on how we've experienced conflict in our relationships in the past, depending on how safe someone felt in their home or within other relationships.

17:59
So I think some time and space is good, some reflection, knowing that we're going to need to be able to communicate and listen and then try to seek that resolution together ideally.

18:13
Yeah.

18:13
Yeah.

18:15
I love that.

18:15
And as you are talking, I was thinking about when we were gathering content for this episode, we went to Red Square and we interviewed students about relationships, boundaries, how they deal with conflict and the, like, biggest themes that we found is everybody said their priorities and relationships for communication, respect, safety and, like, dealing with conflict in a way that made both people feel safe and heard and dealing with it in a in a timely manner.

18:46
But also taking the time to reflect and having space after being upset or feeling whatever emotion just to go into the communication part of the conflict in a healthy way.

19:03
Yeah, yeah.

19:05
I mean, I love that it sounds like in your interviews, everyone was in basically in alignment with what I would be thinking.

19:14
And I think it's also what we're all kind of hoping for, right?

19:18
Because we're wanting to be in relationships that feel good for everyone who's involved in it, right?

19:25
And if we can take a step back and pause and think, how am I feeling in this?

19:29
How is another person feeling in this?

19:32
And is there a way to move forward that's going to be respectful and safe for everyone involved?

19:38
So you mentioned a lot of the, like, resources that you provide through the Counseling and Wellness Center.

19:44
Are there any resources on or off campus that you wish more students knew about?

19:49
Absolutely.

19:50
So like you mentioned, I am a part of the Counseling and Wellness Center.

19:54
I do like to highlight, I think folks are aware of kind of the individual counseling services that are available.

20:01
But I do like to highlight that there is a groups program and some of the groups are focused around students who are survivors or focused around building relationship skills.

20:13
So I think that that's an important resource for folks to know about as well as the fact that the Counseling and Wellness will do couples counseling and they think that people aren't always aware of that or might have an idea of couples counseling not being something that college students are seeking when in reality it can be a very beneficial support to have in place.

20:37
And then I always like to highlight community resources for survivors.

20:41
So our local organization here in Bellingham is Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services.

20:47
They’re also known as DVSAS.

20:50
And then on the Survivor Advocacy Services page there is information about national, local, and then community-specific survivor resources.

21:01
So I do like to highlight that as well.

21:03
That's so great.

21:04
We love DVSAS and the Counseling Center.

21:06
I do, too.

21:07
They're so great.

21:09
Alright, so our last question of the interview, what advice would you give to anyone who wants to work in a similar career?

21:17
Maybe how to handle something that's so, like, very emotional work?

21:23
Yeah, yeah.

21:24
I think first thing would be kind of reading about what advocacy is, maybe going on to some survivor advocacy resources, thinking about speaking to like a professional in the field, just to kind of hear about what their experience has been or what they might be listening to and experiencing day to day.

21:51
And then I would suggest some sort of volunteer work with a domestic violence or sexual assault organization because there is like a training that is a part of that volunteer work and would give someone like a more in depth understanding of what a career in the field would be like.

22:10
So I think that one, I would encourage it, right.

22:13
If someone is passionate about survivor issues, whether that is because it's a personal experience connected to someone's life in some way or the fact that they just know that this is this is an issue within any community that we are in and we're not maybe OK with that and shouldn't be OK with that, then I would of course want people to like move forward in that career.

22:39
But I think it's a good question because it's important to know what you might be exposing yourself to or what might feel challenging or potentially like traumatic for someone as well.

22:55
And then I think having some form of care and support in place.

23:00
And I don't like to speak solely about self-care because I think that that is sometimes put on professionals in a way where it's like, we'll do self-care so you can keep showing up.

23:11
But it would really come from a place of knowing that like you should have a community and you should be seen by other people and know that this this job can be challenging, but that there's a reason why you're kind of continuing to do it or feeling motivated by it.

23:31
And that everyone should have some sort of like support system in place as well.

23:35
I love that you brought up community because having a community to lean on that is so vital in self-care.

23:42
And people often think that it's a very individualistic thing, but having people you can talk to, having people who will just listen.

23:49
Sometimes you don't need advice, you just need someone to listen, just need someone to listen, which I think is very important in that.

23:57
And I think there can be shared community within advocacy circles, right?

24:02
So with other professionals.

24:03
And that's why I would suggest like reaching out to an organization or reaching out to someone who is an advocate.

24:09
Because I know that I'm always open to having those conversations with people.

24:13
Because I would want someone to go into it being very aware of what it is that they might be signing up for and getting a chance to think about what they need in that process.

24:23
We talked about when survivors have experiences of violence and abuse, it can really kind of shift the way that they may see the world because of that experience.

24:34
I think that can be the same for advocates, right?

24:37
If you're sitting with people who are in immense pain and kind of experiencing not what they're experiencing, but sitting with them while they're talking about that, right?

24:48
That can also shift an advocate's worldview, right?

24:52
So I would think about creating that system of support where it's still expanding your world, right?

25:00
So noticing the ways in which you're still engaging or want to be engaging with community and with activities, and just how you're kind of spending your time, too.

25:12
Yeah, definitely.

25:14
Well, that concludes our interview.

25:16
Thank you so much for all of your wisdom that you've shared with Western students and the podcast team.

25:23
We're so grateful to have had you on this episode.

25:25
Thank you for having me and including me in this and for doing this episode, right.

25:30
I think that everyone deserves to have that healthy and safe love and love of all kinds, right, and relationships.

25:40
And I think that we need more spaces where we actually talk about that.

25:44
So I appreciate you and the podcast team for doing this.

25:47
Absolutely.

25:48
We love talking about consent and boundaries, and I love you all for that.

25:52
Thank you.

25:54
Thank you so much to our guest, Deidre.

25:56
She is a valuable resource on campus for navigating relationships and this interview gave me a lot to think about.

26:02
I totally agree.

26:03
One thing that stood out to me was the idea of conflict as a conversation and a process that two people go through together.

26:09
Yes, there are so many different approaches to and experiences with conflict.

26:14
For some people, conflict comes really naturally, but not always in the most productive or helpful way, and it can make it really hard to find a resolution.

26:22
Others feel uncomfortable approaching conflict at all, and to be honest, I think I'm in that second category.

26:28
It's always normal to have intense feelings when upset.

26:30
An upsetting situation happens.

26:32
I think it's really important to understand that it's OK to be upset, but that doesn't mean necessarily mean that anybody did anything wrong.

26:39
However, this doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid either.

26:43
Because of this, it's important to have a conversation in a non-combative way so that this person in your life is aware of what hurt your feelings or that your feelings were even hurt in the first place, and so that your feelings don't simmer and turn into resentment.

26:57
The common reason why conflict might come up on relationships is when someone cancels plans.

27:02
Now this is a situation in which both or all parties involved may not be at fault for anything, but feelings can still come up.

27:10
For the person who got cancelled on.

27:11
They may feel disappointed or hurt or confused, which is totally normal to feel, and the person who canceled plans has a right to cancel even if it's upsetting for the other person.

27:20
They may be sick, have to focus on school, or be in a bad headspace that day.

27:25
This is, of course, context dependent, but both things can be true at once.

27:29
This might turn into conflict if one person is canceling consistently and feelings of an anger or resentment start building.

27:36
That's a really good example. Thanks for sharing that.

27:39
Our top three tips for approaching conflict as a conversation based off of Deidre's advice and our own experiences are as follows.

27:47
Step one, ask yourself the question, “What is the resolution that I'm seeking?”

27:51
Are you trying to set a boundary, gain clarity on a situation, check in with someone to make sure they are OK, or something else?

27:59
Two, ask the other person if they're in the headspace to have a hard conversation right now.

28:03
It's important to make sure that nobody feels cornered in the conversation, especially if people need a moment to decompress first.

28:10
And step three, remember, the point is to find boundaries and resolution, not to dump emotions.

28:16
Getting our emotions off our chest can feel good and can be part of the process.

28:19
However, it's not very helpful to just list off to someone all the ways they've hurt you and then just walk away before they can even ask you how they could change their behavior to better support you, especially if you're hoping to keep this relationship going in your life.

28:32
So going back to the student interviews, enthusiastic consent was a key theme that I noticed.

28:36
In addition, many people brought up the idea that no coercion is present when consent is present, that people are able to safely say no or yes, or whatever other answer they want to give.

28:46
It is important that people feel like their answers are respected no matter what that answer is, and even if their answer is different from past encounters or if it changes while things are getting more sexually intimate.

28:58
Sometimes it can feel like there is an expectation to be intimate with your partner, especially if you've already had sex with them before or if you're in a like a relationship with them.

29:07
Sex or intimacy is not something you ever owe to anyone else and you can always change your mind.

29:12
Facts.

29:13
I feel like the nuances of consent aren't talked about enough and I wanted to discuss some ways to respond in the moment.

29:20
If your partner wants intimacy and you don't, or you say yes but you change your mind later, this is such a good topic to talk about.

29:27
So what would you do?

29:29
This may seem really simple, but the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from the situation and put a pause on it.

29:35
And it doesn't have to be awkward.

29:38
It is so normal to say that you need to go to the bathroom or grab some water and come right back.

29:44
This would give you an opportunity to take a moment away from the situation and reflect and think about what you want, what you need to feel safe, and most importantly, when you go back it restarts the interaction and you have a new dynamic with that person.

30:00
You can ask to take things slowly, suggest a non-sexual form of intimacy, start a conversation about what feelings came up for you, or whatever else you may need in that moment.

30:09
That was really well put.

30:10
This is a solution.

30:11
This is amazing.

30:13
Yes, I second everything that Charlie just said.

30:16
And the truth is, most people want you to feel safe and comfortable with them and they will be glad when you communicate what you need or take time to figure out what it is that you need in the first place.

30:26
And this brings us to the flip side of it.

30:28
So what do you do if you're in a sexual situation with someone and they verbally consent but that doesn't really feel enthusiastic?

30:34
That's a really good question.

30:36
So there might be a lot of different reasons for why someone may be giving mixed signals instead.

30:41
In the moment, reasons for this could include simply not being into having any kind of sex but not knowing how to say no because they're worried about a negative reaction, or they just don't know how to like phrase those needs.

30:52
Wanting to participate in certain sexual acts but being hesitant due to having experiences of trauma or abuse tied to them.

30:59
Or being exhausted from the day and being so ready to sleep but also wanting to pleasure their partner.

31:04
Of course, this list is not complete.

31:06
There's an endless number of reasons why someone may be feeling this way, and if you're sensing hesitancy around a verbal yes from your partner or their body language is giving mixed signals, that's a cue for you to take a step back and check in with them to see what their needs and wants are.

31:22
You could start the conversation out like, “Hey, I'd love to do XYZ act with you, but I'm noticing that you're not that excited or enthusiastic right now. We don't have to do anything sexual together in this moment, and I'm here to have a conversation about what would make you feel safe and good if that's something that sounds helpful.”

31:39
It doesn't necessarily mean that the sexual act can't occur, but it does mean that everything needs to be stopped and a conversation needs to be had before anything moves further.

31:49
These are pretty normal things to come up during physical intimacy, but it can be hard to address it in the moment if we don't know how.

31:56
But we just want to encourage people to be in touch with how they feel, be honest about what they want, and be open to talking about it.

32:02
Very well put.

32:03
I also did want to point out that relationships can be complicated and sometimes we end up in relationships that aren't the best for our own well-being.

32:11
There can be situations where a conversation or conflict resolution hasn't worked out or the other person hasn't been receptive to finding a solution in the past.

32:20
If you have concerns about dynamics happening in your relationships, there are many resources you could consider using.

32:26
If you're a student at Western Washington University, you could contact the Survivor Advocacy Services through Deidre, who you can reach at 360-650-7982.

32:37
WWU’s Survivor Advocacy Services web page also has many Whatcom County and national level hotlines to call, including services like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the Lummi Victims of Crime Hotline.

32:50
All of these mentioned resources, along with their phone numbers or web pages can be found in our episode transcript.

32:55
At the end of the day, the important thing to remember is that we all deserve feeling safe in our relationships.

33:00
If you or someone you know aren't feeling that way, there are resources out there to support you, so just keep that in mind.

33:08
I am so happy that we got to have that lovely conversation.

33:11
I feel so connected to you right now.

33:14
I could talk about relationships for days because there are so many assumptions that we make and about communication and consent.

33:21
And when we when we get into the details, it gets so nuanced.

33:24
Lucky for us, Sorina and Deidre are back at it again, this time with some myth busting.

33:30
Yay, I'm so excited.

33:33
Alright, we are back with Deidre for a segment of busting myths about consent and relationships.

33:41
Our first myth is “A healthy relationship has no conflict.”

33:47
So all relationships have conflict or could have conflict.

33:51
It's about how do we handle that conflict within our relationships.

33:57
Agreed.

33:58
Boundaries create distance between you and another person.

34:02
If someone sets a boundary, it means they're pushing me away.

34:06
I think that when people set boundaries, they're telling others what is OK for them within relationships, which is usually sharing the fact that they want to continue to be in a relationship with you.

34:24
So boundaries can actually create closeness and trust within relationships.

34:30
If someone can share a boundary and that boundary is respected, consent is rigid.

34:40
I think that this often comes up where people will think about like consent has to follow a very particular checklist.

34:48
And I would say that while that might work for some people, other people that might not work for us.

34:54
So therefore, inherently consent isn't rigid.

34:58
There are specific things that we know are OK and not OK within the ways that we interact with people, but consent can and should be built in as a conversation about talking about what everyone who is in a relationship is OK with doing, right?

35:18
And that doesn't even have to be solely in sexual relationships.

35:23
And that goes right into our next myth, which is that “Consent is only about sex.”

35:28
So consent is not only about sex.

35:31
We could apply consent to other forms of physical touch.

35:36
Like, “Is it OK if I was to give you a hug?”

35:40
We could talk about consent in terms of specific conversations and content that might be covered, right?

35:48
You might have a friend who doesn't want to be involved in a particular conversation where someone is going to go into detail about a specific traumatic event or maybe content in terms of type of movie that's going to be watched.

36:05
We could also think about consent in terms of taking photos with people or of people and having permission to post that or share personal information of others.

36:18
So we really can go a variety of ways with consent.

36:22
I think it's the applying is another person OK with what it is that we're doing?

36:29
So that can be sexual, but it also doesn't have to be all right.

36:34
And our last myth is that, “Harm has to have happened for a boundary to be set.”

36:40
Harm does not have to have happened.

36:43
It actually can be helpful to think about what a boundary might be that someone is needing in a relationship and how it can that be shared before it is crossed or before conflict arises, right?

37:00
So an example could be that I'm someone who really enjoys my alone time or has particular activities that I like to do on my own.

37:11
And so my boundary could be that in in relationships, I want to be with other people, but I also need specific time for myself and that it's OK for me to ask for that, which also could bring me closer to another person because I'm letting them in on something it is that would make me feel safer in that relationship.

37:34
I love that and I relate to that.

37:38
But also a boundary should be set so that harm doesn't occur to minimize harm.

37:45
If you can, I would agree with that too.

37:50
Alright, thank you so much for myth busting.

37:52
That was so fun.

37:55
Before we go, I wanted to shout out a resource on campus that's really helped me personally.

38:00
In her interview, Deidre mentioned that there are group therapy options available through the Counseling and Wellness Center.

38:05
Group therapy is amazing for people who need some support but feel like individual therapy may be too intense or unhelpful.

38:12
When I moved to Bellingham, I felt so alone and it made a whole new wave of grief hit me in a way that I wasn't expecting at all.

38:20
I decided to join the grief group and it's helped me feel really seen and understood in a way that I didn't even know I was craving in that moment.

38:27
And it also feels like really low pressure because I get to choose how much I want to participate and listen to like, other people's experiences too.

38:35
I'm really happy to hear that you got to find a support system that you didn't even know you were looking for in that grief group.

38:40
Charlie, that's, like, awesome.

38:44
I've actually had similar experiences with the group therapy options on campus as well.

38:48
I personally did the art group for survivors of sexual violence, which Deidre happens to facilitate.

38:53
Shout out again. Similar to what you said, it was really nice to just go to a space once a week where I could sit in a room with strangers but know that we were all on the same page about a shared experience.

39:04
It was relieving to feel seen without someone actually saying to me, “I see you.”

39:10
It was just like something that was in the air that kind of goes without saying and just it was what it was and that was beautiful.

39:17
I get that feeling being in community with people who understand feels so relieving And it's like, it feels like a weight off of the chest.

39:25
And it's also so cool how many options there are, too, like there are so many, not just the two we talked about today.

39:31
There's like a whole list and some of them change based on the quarter.

39:34
So make sure to check that out.

39:36
And I also want to note that outside of college, it is really hard to find group therapy with people who are in like, the same age range as you.

39:45
And also, insurance does not want to cover group therapy.

39:49
It's so expensive.

39:51
Boo, tomatoes, tomatoes.

39:54
And the last thing I want to add is that it is a free resource to most students on campus.

39:59
So it's really accessible to people here at Western.

40:01
So get on it if that's something you think is helpful.

40:04
Yeah, I agree.

40:06
Alright everyone, we've come to the end of our episode all about relationships.

40:10
Thank you so much to Deidre and all of our student interviewees who participated and provided such great insight.

40:16
We were blown away by the perspectives people shared on topics that aren't so often brought up in depth.

40:21
Conflict, consent, intimacy, and all the things we dove into today are super important to have conversations about.

40:27
And as you like to say here, it's OK to talk about it.

40:31
We want to give a big thank you to the other members of our team, Marissa, Chloe, Riley, and Sorina for helping us put together this episode.

40:38
And, of course, another shout out to Western Survivor Advocacy Services Coordinator Deidre Evans for her amazing interview.

40:45
And lastly, another big thank you to our lovely mentor Maggie, who helps make this podcast project possible.

40:51
Thank you.

40:51
Yay.

40:52
So many lovely people on this project.

40:55
To stay connected, you can follow our Instagram @bewellwwu.

40:59
So that's @bewellwwu for more resources, event information, and to interact with this podcast.

41:07
Additionally, if you have any questions you want answered related to emotional, mental, sexual, or relational health in our next episode, feel free to fill out our anonymous Doodle poll, which is linked in our Instagram.

41:19
We will also have a cute little anonymous question box on our future tabling events where you can write down any questions you may have on a slip of paper and we will answer them if we can.

41:28
At some of these tabling events, we will be conducting student interviews for our next topic, so we hope to see you around on campus.

41:34
Stay tuned for our next episode coming out in spring of 2025. Thank you for listening.

41:38
In the trees and in the forest.
And all that’s come before us.
We feel to find the wisdom in our bones, releasing judgement and old stories, remembering our glory.
We rest in love and walk each other home.
We're not alone. 
It’s Campus Conversations
It's Campus Conversations
It's Campus Conversations
It's Campus Conversations

Resources:

WWU Survivor Advocacy Services

WWU Counseling and Wellness Center Groups

DVSAS of Whatcom County

Lummi Victims of Crime