The Secret Life of Dakota Mortensen (i'm sorry I couldn't not do this title)

This one was... a lot. I have so many thoughts about the whole situation. This is the raw and real story behind my episode of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. From a 4th of July river trip to reality TV, here’s what actually happened between Dakota and me.

I talk about what it felt like to be gaslit and gently love bombed. What it means to be the “other girl” without even knowing. The texts, the timelines, the moment my intuition whispered, “bb… no.”

And  I talk about Taylor, what it felt like to finally sit across from her, woman to woman, and realize we’d both been caught in something we didn’t sign up for. There’s a lot more to the story than what made it on TV.

If you’re here from the show, hi. Stay a while. You might’ve come for the drama, but I hope you leave with something that hits deeper.

And if you’re looking for a space to land, cry, reset, and remember who you are, my online community is open. 🌿🦋🌸✨
 You can join us here: https://shorturl.at/Egc9O

@vulnerabilityiscool
@jennajarvisjarvis
vulnerabilityiscool.com

Thank you for listening, ily
xoxo

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, my name is Jenna Jarvis and we are back with the Vulnerability School podcast. So much is going on. I was on the show, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I am going to tell the whole story and just all of my thoughts on the whole situation. I am currently still in Bali and... If you listened to the last episode, it was all about letting go. My grandpa did end up passing away, which I feel like I've just numbed myself with a little bit and then had just huge breakdowns here and there. So still trying to process that. The funeral isn't for a couple of weeks, so I am waiting to go back. Okay, I don't even know where to begin. Well, I guess I'll start from the beginning. Dakota and I met on the 4th of July. I think it was 2023 or 2022. I'm not sure. Let's see. And there's a photo of us in the same group for the 4th of July I'll add that onto the YouTube video you can see oh okay so it was July 2022 we were on a river rafting trip for the 4th of July and I remember seeing him and I was like he is so cute and we were with tons of different friends and everyone knew him and like really liked him and I was just like oh he's so fun and we were actually in two different like friend groups and I was like so sad because I was like oh I want to be with his friend group because I want to be around him he's just like so fun and energetic and I'm a very empathetic person one day we were like talking as we were getting to know each other more and everyone was like on the river and he told me about his past with addiction he was so funny too he's like tell me about his past and I'm just have so much empathy for him I had a friend growing up that struggled with addiction I always just like my heart was just so big for him because they go through so much so so much and I think a lot of people think with addiction it's just something like oh they're just crazy they just love drugs but it's it's so much more than that like I watched my friend Brady go through this and it's just they're so incredible people that have just been dealt some really hard cards anyways so when I met Dakota and we were talking about all this I just had so much empathy for him and I also knew with you know seeing different addicts in my life that they might lie and tell you what you want to hear because like that's how they've survived sometimes but then he was telling me how he goes to like something like AA and like is really just trying to be so honest and all these things so I was like okay so we're hanging out and I really like him and it's like so fun I was nannying at one point and we were going to the dinosaur museum. So I was like, oh, you should come with us to the dinosaur museum. And he was so fun with like these kids and he was so cool. And we're hanging out. I was still really Mormon at the time. And I'm pretty sure that he was, I think he still is Mormon. I don't know. I was a virgin. And so it was so funny when this whole question of like, did they have sex was coming up? Cause I was literally the most Mormon-y virgin girl there ever was. I was 26 and I was still a virgin. Yeah, we're hanging out and he's so fun. I tell my friends about him and he like comes over to our house we're just both like very energetic funny weird people so i feel like it was just a good match then my roommate is like did you see that taylor frankie paul posted a tiktok with dakota i'm like the fuck the fuck i'm like uh he was literally sleeping over here last night like i'm like what are you talking about so then i asked dakota about it and i'm like should i look at exactly what happened i'm like do not like a message do not like a message and it's so funny because i would never share this many details about any relationship that i'm in but because this is our on television and it's everywhere and they share everything about their lives I'm like okay kind of fun okay let's see I want to find the first time I asked him about Taylor also side note with this I had dated some people in the past that maybe didn't treat me the best. And I chose to date them. That was my fault. And so my confidence wasn't like super, super high at this point. So when he liked me, it's almost like when I started, especially then when I date people in the back of my mind, I was like, oh yeah, like they think I'm cute and fun, but like they don't actually like me. And that sounds sad, but it's just, yeah, it's just life. So our first text, we're talking about American Idol. Okay, he was like so flirty too. Oh, I was at a concert last night and I was like, oh, that's so fun. I'm so jealous. He's like, I'm going to take you to one. Like asking about my mental health event that I was about to throw. Okay, so this was one of the first things where I was like, oh, what's going on? My friend was like, Taylor posted a TikTok with Dakota and their friend. And I was just like, oh, like I didn't, I didn't want to be dramatic. So maybe I didn't actually say anything. But then, oh, okay, here it is. Okay, I sent him an invite. It was like a backyard acoustic night. And he's like, oh, which friend is it like with? And I'm like, her name is whatever. And he's like, maybe I'll chill with you before. Haha, for some reason, I've been around so many people the last few days that I need a little break. is that bad and i'm like you're an extrovert we're literally the same like i don't believe you so i just respond you're good and then like five minutes later i just go all out i go are you dating taylor someone just sent me that tiktok lol and he's like oh gosh ha ha ha ha no she just wanted to start some drama and she was like let me blow you up on tiktok but i don't think i realized how dumb of an idea that was i wouldn't be trying to see you if that were the case but i also understand if that's weird now and you're like screw this guy and i was like hmm thanks for being honest I just saw that and then you saying you didn't want to be around people made me think you're probably dating her or something I was like whoa my intuition was right there baby and he's like haha yeah of course no that's not the reason why I really don't care I mean I am single I can do what I want but it just makes me feel stupid explaining it now to other people I just have always wanted to do social media stuff and be able to have a voice so I figured it was a win-win situation in some ways lol and he's like you hate me now huh and I'm like no of course not we're not dating so I'm not trying to be weird or anything but def didn't want to step on any toes and he's like no I know I didn't get the that feeling from you at all I think more than anything just felt really embarrassed because I think you're like the coolest girl ever and didn't want you to be embarrassed to see me or something and I'm like oh thank you so much I'm like I'm at family dinner right now and I might go to that acoustic night whatever he's like uh I know I know I can be kind of a mess at times in my life but I promise I truly do love people and care about others a lot and you are just one of those people I always want to be good to and give you my full respect and then he's like I'm going to a meeting tomorrow out at 7 30 he's like i've just been having a hard day so i'm gonna go to the meeting tomorrow and i was like oh and like yeah that totally got me of course and i'm like oh that's so cool that you're going like i just respect that so much whatever you better text me after anyways so We didn't, he didn't come to the night. We, I don't think we ended up hanging out. And then he's like, don't do something tonight. He's like, yeah, let's hang. So we hung out and they came over to my house and I think we watched a movie. So, oh, I don't know if I said this, but I haven't watched the show yet. It kind of gives me a little anxiety to watch it, especially I'm like alone in Bali. So I don't really, I want to, I'd rather watch it with my friends and family. I don't know. I'm just so weird about this stuff. Like I didn't watch the first season forever either. So I need to watch it. So I don't even remember exactly what I said on the show. So hopefully I'm not like contradicting everything I said, but I don't think so. Cause this is just like the truth. Anyways. So he ended up sleeping over that night. Rebellious Mormons. Like I'm so happy I got to be with you. I was about to leave on this trip for Europe. So he's like, I'm sad you're leaving, whatever. Oh, he, I didn't respond, I guess. And he texted me again at like 1 PM. Like, I hope you don't hate me for this morning or something. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if we went too far. I can be better we literally didn't do anything i'm pretty sure because i was so molly mormon oh i just texted i'm sorry i was so embarrassed i woke up so late so i don't want to text you back yet oh i did say i just don't want to go too far and then have things just be physical is my only thing which i'm sure you feel the same and he's like yeah don't ever feel embarrassed around me okay i promise you never need to feel that way i seriously like you for who you are saying everything that i just want to hear for sure and he's like it was finally nice getting you all to myself and then he's like i 100 feel the same way let's make sure it never gets to that point okay and so i'm like oh okay I feel he really respects me we're super compatible and I was excited about him but at the same time I was like getting over a relationship I knew I was leaving for Europe so I was like invested and it was like a really fun time for me but at the same time I was like I don't know where this is gonna go I'm not really sure so we're just chit-chatting shooting the shit okay this is where I'm like bro you fucking love bombed me okay he's like oh I like have a friend that's struggling so I'm gonna go pick him up or whatever and so I'm gonna go text him way later like how's your friend doing and he's like he's doing absolutely amazing we actually talked all about you and he knows you and he literally was like dude please date her she seems like the coolest girl i've ever met in my life so i'm like oh my god like he's telling his friends about me like he really likes me obviously that's what i'm thinking i'm like well i'm honored he's like yeah it was so random thought i'd share it with you and then he's like can i see you again soon and he invited me to come hang out with his friends, but I didn't end up going. So we're just texting back and forth. He invited me to hang out. I invited him over again. He came over. Now I'm pretty sure he slept over. Sorry, dad, to hear all this. I'm like, oh, I just watched all your TikToks. Like you're so funny. Because before he started dating Taylor, like he was posting a ton on TikTok. Like he was actually had such funny TikToks. And then one night, which Taylor and I figured out he'd slept over at her house that night. He's like, hey, sorry, I forgot to text you back about this last night. And we're talking about this movie that we both really liked and then sorry i'm just going through these texts because i feel like this is the best way to tell the story because then i can like really actually remember everything anyways talking about a movie oh interesting we're just having small talk and then he said also if you ever feel like there's something bothering you with me i want you to feel like you can always talk to me about it about anything okay like don't hesitate just wanted to throw that out there and i'm like thank you so much like that means so much to me oh ah Okay. So then I'm like, he texts me and he's like the cutest thing. Like, but I'm so glad you're working so hard and chasing your dreams. Cause I'd like told him about my event and things that I'd been planning. And he's like, you're welcome, Jenna. And then I respond. I'm like, I actually am curious about something. And he's like, haha, I knew you were, I knew there was something bothering you ask away. So then I'm like, well, I went to a pool party on Sunday and Taylor was there. This is, I'd seen Taylor one time before I knew who she was. Duh. I knew who she was. Like all of Utah knows who she is anyways and I didn't even think she knew who I was like because I'm I don't know yeah I don't know I was just like she doesn't know who I am it's fine anyways so I go to this pool party and I'm just gonna read you what I said here and then I'll add whatever I went to a pool party on Sunday and Taylor was there and she was talking and someone asked her how many people were on her roster and she said two and when she left I was a little suspicious obviously because they're like posting tiktoks and he says it's just for work or whatever so I asked someone who the two guys were someone who doesn't know that we're hanging out and they said your name which like that actually like broke my heart which is totally fine i just understood from you that nothing was going on there i know we're not dating and you can do what you want it just seems like you maybe lied a little or maybe that person was confused which i knew they were not confused okay i totally get why you would be into her i actually did she's taylor freaky paul obviously hot girl shit where i'm like so gentle people please read and at this point i had no boundaries i'm like yes just walk all over me please eat anyways so i'm like it just seems like you maybe lied a little or maybe maybe that person was confused. I totally get why you would be into her and I don't care if you're talking to other people. I would honestly never bring this up, but I don't want to keep talking if you're not being honest. But I'm also not accusing you of anything. I'm just explaining where I'm at and what's going on in my head. Which you know, I reread and retyped that message probably 500 times because I was so nervous to send it. Let's see, I sent that at 10.30. He responded at 11. And he said, sorry I was driving. Haha, yes, I saw that you guys were both there. LOL. Also, when I was at this pool party, I was like looking at Taylor. She's literally so cool. I I'm just Joe Smoe, Jenna Jarvis over here. So okay, the time I came to your house, Taylor was going through like all this crazy stuff and I was upset at her for posting that video and not telling me. So at that point, I literally didn't even think we were going to be talking anymore. That being said, me and Taylor have talked and we came to the conclusion that she isn't in a good place right now and needs more time to heal and I'm also coming from some pretty traumatic stuff as well. And on top of that, we would probably be extremely toxic for each other. I do care for her as a person and I think more than ever she needs good friends in her life and she also enjoys having that part with me. I'm like okay so you're gonna be friends all right also i have no idea if this text makes sense i should just tell you over the phone which he probably really regrets not telling me over the phone at this point i also have told taylor that i am seeing you and interested in you which i don't think this is true i'd be so curious so we aren't dating and we have no plans of dating just friends as now but like he he didn't tell me like well did you guys were guys like hooking up what was going on here you're just like you did date like you did like each other i had no idea he said i will tell you i had anything and everything you want to know thank you for asking and it means a lot i've told you jen i'm legit super into you and have been from day one just also not sure where you're at with me so i'm kind of waiting to see where things go with us and then he's like i can explain it better in person i swear i'm not the best writer and then i didn't respond let's see yeah i didn't respond that night until oh yeah i didn't respond all day he just said like i feel like you want nothing to do with me now and then i said i've just been thinking i'm going to respond when i'm a in my head like I said I was like very insecure so I'm just like of course I'm just like the side hoe and he's like also like just tell me what you would need from me because like you telling me things that make you feel safe or better are things I want to know because idk I would be willing to do whatever it takes to keep being around you and getting to know you and I'm like oh so I just responded like I've had so many thoughts he's like I'm scared and then he texts me again because I didn't respond and he said hey I've been thinking about you lots and just wanted to say I'm so sorry if I caused any problems for you or made you feel not safe safe or maybe whatever you're experiencing you are an amazing woman and I'm lucky to know you I hope you still want to see me sometime even if it's just as friends so how my little anxious attachment was hiding here because I waited a whole day to respond so I said Dakota you're awesome I was really caught off guard when you weren't being fully honest with me you really downplayed your relationship with Taylor which made me feel very uneasy I know you're not ready to date each other now but if that's a possibility I don't want to be in the middle of it I think you're so awesome and so fun and I really loved hanging out with you and all Honestly, I have a hard time trusting your word. He's like, I'm sorry. Uh, here's a shitty thing though. When I told you that I was being absolutely transparent about where I was with her. If you would have asked me later, I would have told you the truth. I was not trying to lie and I'm sorry it came off that way. I totally understand it. I guess I'm a little sad about you now. And I needed like a broken heart. I was really enjoying getting to know you. And now I feel like I screwed everything up. I'm sorry. I just feel so dumb. I was never trying to be sketchy with you. I'm almost feeling like a little sense of guilt for sharing this. but i'm also like it's all on a reality tv show so it's okay i don't know i can always delete it later anyways so he's like i'm sorry idky i just feel so dumb right now i was never trying to be sketchy with you i just really loved hanging out with you but i can give you space and maybe if you ever want to see me again i would love nothing more than to spend time with you jenna still meant everything i've ever said about you just so you know that and like another thing that he did was he told me like oh i told my family about you and your company and all that you do so he's just truly saying the perfect things and i don't think i've ever like fully been love bombed like that before and just by someone that was empathetic and was cool and funny and like someone that was my type so it was just a lot i think for me to process i'd just be like oh i don't know so then i'm leaving for europe so i'm like you know you're totally fine we can hang out when i get back and he's like yeah i would love that maybe if i'm in paris we can meet up because he was also going to europe i text him when i'm in italy and when i get to europe and everything then we just like talked about europe and different things and then he's like i think think me and my cousin are coming close to the end of September and going to like Germany Switzerland maybe Austria Denmark then I didn't respond and he's like maybe he maybe I called him or something I don't know because he's like Jenna sorry I'm currently at the gym how's Europe and I'm like you're good in September I'm going to be in Switzerland and Amsterdam and he's like oh my gosh what week me and my cousin I think are going to Europe the second week in September or the third and then when I was in Germany this could be so confusing and if it is I'm so sorry and I just sent him my location because I think he posted that he was in Germany and so I was like I'm here he's like whoa what the fuck you're in Germany and I'm like yes and he's like I can't believe you're here anyways I maybe I was just like saying it to say it and I didn't really want to meet up with him because I didn't like follow up saying I wanted to meet up with him or anything and then he asked me when I'm going back to America and I just never responded and maybe I responded like Instagram DMs I'm sure that we're like talking through that then everything started happening with Taylor and they were posting about the relationship and it was really dramatic and I saw oh when the domestic violence thing happened obviously I'm watching everything so I like kind of dated this guys I'm interested to know all the things and it's in Utah and all this stuff and so I just text him in February and I was like hope you're doing okay because I was worried for him like because of also like the addiction and like breakups are just hard anyways and like the domestic violence it just so much was going on I didn't know so I just I really genuinely cared about him I wasn't trying to stir the pot or anything so I just text him and I just said hope you're doing okay and at this point I'm on this crazy trip in Europe I grew up super super Mormon and when I got to Europe I I realized people just loved me so unconditionally and I felt like the love that I'd received my whole life was so conditional. I have pretty intense OCD so I took everything to the extreme when I was in the church. I think there's a lot of people that are like Mormon or Catholic or these different religions that are like kind of in but kind of out. I was fully 100% in and so I was very extreme with everything and when I was in Europe everything just switched for me. I just realized like I don't believe in the church. I felt like I was just kind of lied to my whole life. life by people that were told things by other people so everyone just believes them when in reality it's like who made this shit up no offense sorry if you're Mormon and you're listening I'm not this is just my personal journey anyways so that all happens and then I get this message on Instagram that's like hey I'm a producer of this show we want you to come on I feel like I've had like some spam messages before like that and this account didn't have very many followers so I was just like oh whatever so I don't respond and then Demi I went to high school with Demi it's kind of crazy I went to high school with Demi and then Michaela I went to elementary with her husband and was friends with his friends in junior high Macy spoke at one of my mental health events that I hosted and told her story which was incredible Layla I literally went to Lake Powell with her a week before I went to film on the show and I had no idea that she knew who I was or knew anything and we like had so much fun in Lake Powell became friends who else on the show Jen Affleck I don't know her who else was on the show oh Jessie I've known her husband Jordan for a I love him. Oh, Demi and her husband, the Ingemans, are like so well known in Utah. They're just like the most beautiful family. So I've known who they were for a long time. Oh, Whitney. I think she went to my high school actually, but I didn't know her. I saw all her dance videos on Instagram and stuff and I thought she was so funny, but I never knew her. I've never talked to her. And then Miranda is really good friends with one of my good friends, Ellie. So anyways, like it's just all been in kind of like I've seen all this and like known who these people are. Anyways, Demi reaches out to me and she's like, Jenna, like the the producers from the show, they want to talk to you. And I'm like, what? And she's like, yeah, they want to talk to you about your relationship with Dakota, which I'm like, what? I honestly had no idea that Taylor knew who I was. No idea. Because in my head, I'm like, she's kind of like famous. I'm just Jenna. I did notice Dakota unfollowed me on Instagram. And I thought that was so weird because he followed so many people and so many other girls that I knew that he'd like dated. And I was like, why did he unfollow me? I was like, low key offended. Then I realized like, oh, it's because of Taylor, which I would have had him do the same thing if that was me. so I didn't even know she knew who I was I didn't know this was such a big situation I didn't know that he was like really two-timing us they're like we want you to come on the show and I'm just like okay and I'm like nervous I have to like sign these papers and all this stuff and the producers were so sweet and loving but then I learned like they're like that with everyone so they can get you on I'm like oh so we're not best friends I've talked to my family everyone's telling me not to go on and I'm like I don't know what to do and then it was just like literally I was just gonna be on a phone call with Macy that's all it was gonna be I already know Macy so I was just like whatever I'll do it I'm like am I a see anything here? I don't think so. I actually, here's a little secret, some tea for you. I actually didn't even get on the phone with Macy. It didn't work out. We were going to meet up at a coffee shop, didn't work out. And then I was supposed to call her, didn't work out. So I actually just sent a voice memo saying like, I will tell you everything, which is so funny. Then there's the cliffhanger, which was so crazy. And then I post that TikTok about Dakota. But then everyone thinks I'm a homewrecker. I'm like, the fuck? Because they don't know me. So they just hear the story on the show. And of course, that's what they think. I would think the same thing. And mind you Dakota and I have literally not ever talked ever again which is actually so crazy but like for a good reason so that I have no idea like what he's thinking I like run into Jordan and Brett at the gym and I'm like so nervous because I'm like I don't know what's going on and like it's just awkward and I'm like do they hate me I don't know talk to Jordan and he's like oh it's just like so much drama all these things and he was like so nice to me but he's like do not trust anyone on the show and I was like oh shit so I shouldn't trust you he's like no okay shit so then I was like trying to protect my piece way more i also signed an nda so i couldn't even say that i was on the show or anything so i'm yapping what's next so then they're like okay we want you on season two obviously because it was the cliffhanger the phone call they're like we want you to meet up with taylor so i'm like okay so we were gonna meet up in a coffee shop but the show became literally the number one show on hulu and it was so popular and taylor's like literally famous now so we couldn't just do that we couldn't casually meet up in a coffee shop so then they're like we're gonna meet at macy's house and macy's gonna be the mediator and i'm like oh no i'm like she's she gonna try to fight me I'd never talked to her before so I didn't know which low-key Taylor and I are like pretty similar I feel like I feel like we're pretty just like don't give a fuck like I don't know if you guys saw the video that I recorded when I was going to record for the show but like I literally bought my outfit a couple hours before I was wearing slippers into Zara I didn't even I didn't know where my brush was my hair was just everywhere I'm just like very go with the flow type b person and I can be type a when I really want to be I guess I was so nervous also I was in a pretty rocky relationship at the time that I was gonna go film for the second season so I was like not eating and I was taking Adderall and I was just not in the best headspace when I went on the show yeah I was just nervous so my friends were hyping me up helping me I'm like calling I have this friend Sarah she was on a reality tv show so I'm just like talking to her about it I'm calling to me asking her for like her opinion and also like asking me to come on my podcast to talk about her ketamine experience which she totally would because we're friends and I'm like she's so passionate about all that stuff but she was like weird about it and I was like what the heck And then when I talked to her one time, I was like, yeah, I didn't even know Taylor knew who I was. She's like, Jenna, I haven't had a conversation with Taylor in the past two years where she hasn't brought up your name. I was like, what? I literally had no idea. And then it all clicked. I'm like, okay, obviously that's why she wouldn't come on and talk about ketamine with me because I'm the enemy right now. But I had no idea. What is next here? I like go shopping with my friends, get a new outfit, get ready for the show. And I was just super nervous talking to friends about realities tv what i should do and they're like everyone's like don't give them anything that they could twist on you so i'm really trying to be so focused and like just take deep breaths as i'm going over there friend styled me or whatever we go to macy's house and i did feel a little bit awkward because just some little tea here okay like macy came and spoke at my event and i had been to her house like some really deep conversations she never like followed me back on instagram which was totally fine but then like even when all this stuff was coming out i feel like she kind of i got the impression of like kind of like she doesn't know me but I'm like we were so deep together you know like she came and had this really vulnerable presentation or whatever at my event and we talked so many times so I was just kind of like huh so then we're meeting up at her house and I just felt weird that there was like a mediator you know like because then it made me feel like it was like them against me in a sense and I just did not know what to expect at all and I knew Taylor was really mad about the situation obviously I would be too so I just no idea what to expect I'm literally walking up to the door and I'm like shaking i knocked on the door and then the producers were like can you knock again so i knock again but then i was nervous that they were gonna think that i was like let me in anyways i go in i sit down and we start talking and then like taylor's just as you could see in the show taylor's just telling me like oh he literally lied about everything he made it sound like you were begging to hang out with him which actually is so funny because it wasn't that way at all because like i'd said before i was so insecure that i was like he doesn't really like like me he was saying all these things but i was like oh i don't really know if he like actually cares you know because i wasn't begging because I was like I don't really even trust that he wants to see me in a sense which is so sad low-key but it's fine so yeah she's telling me all this and one thing i don't know if they show this in the show because i didn't watch it but once i told everything taylor's sobbing and macy's like it's okay everything's okay and i hated that she said that literally no hate towards her this is just my raw thoughts in the moment i was like i hated that she said that because like it wasn't okay you just had a baby with this man and now you're finding out that he completely lied to you about this situation and that he was like low-key kind of cheating on you especially maybe even a emotionally I don't know there was a point when she was like you can have him and I was like oh like I don't want him I was like oh oh and also because I take the Adderall I think I'm just like sitting there from what I've heard from what my friends have told me I'm just sitting there where she's sobbing and if I didn't take the Adderall I would have been crying because I'm such an emotional girl but I think I was feeling so much in that moment but I also like have this microphone strapped to me and I'm just I feel like kind of weird so I don't feel like I was pulling myself obviously then I left and Taylor and I start talking And she just really wants all the details. This date and this date. Does this match up? Does this match up? And I'm like, I don't know. So I'm like searching my phone trying to find the exact things. I screen record our entire messages and I send it to her so she can like really investigate this. I go through my photos and just try to find any evidence I have for her to prove the dates. And almost in my head, I don't think I've talked to Taylor about this. I would be curious to know her thoughts. But in my head, it almost seemed like maybe they, I don't know. This is just a random Jenna thought, okay? But maybe they knew they weren't supposed to be together like it wasn't the right match but and so i felt like she was i think what he did was horrible okay but i think even on top of that it was like she almost wanted a reason to make it not right because i think you can work through anything but at the same time i don't think that your soulmate is someone that's going to be lying to you i don't know we need to hear taylor's thoughts on this because it just kept like felt like she was digging and digging she's like are you sure you guys didn't have sex are you sure i'm like yes i'm like 100 sure and she's like well did he kiss you good morning i don't remember if he kissed me good morning you know like i don't remember these little tiny details but But also I think she was in a panic mode, also postpartum. So like, I don't know how much postpartum she was like, how long it'd been. But anyways, I think that situation was really interesting for me. It was. Right before I fully left the church, which is so funny because now I'm on the show Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, which when people have found that out, they're like, I thought you were a Mormon. I'm not Mormon, but I'm on this show. And then there's like all this drama. I don't ever watch reality TV shows. I've never liked it. I'm a more of like a this is us kind of girl or like I loved Breaking Bad. Yeah, I don't know. I've never liked reality TV, but I love watching Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, obviously. It's such a shitty situation, but I'm really grateful I got to talk to Taylor and understand her and she really is such a beautiful human. I don't even understand her brain at all. The way that she's just like so suspicious and mysterious and sneaky and like so still go with the flow, chill, badass bitch. Like we have something to learn from her, okay? And it's been exciting to see her post about like her healing journey and all the things that she's doing. Okay, as your girl has been editing this podcast episode, I'm just having so many thoughts. First being like, this is such a shitty situation and I already knew that, but even re-listening to myself read these text messages, I'm like... Fuck him. This is so manipulative to Taylor especially and also to me. My little heart aches a little bit for my younger self of like... believing that he cared and also when he would apologize I feel like he would apologize to make himself the victim so then I'd be like oh my gosh like no you're totally fine like you're so nice and he would say I wanted to be honest with you but then things like like this changed well if you were going to be honest with me then you should tell me if something changed you know like his relationship with Taylor and different things like just looking back I'm like oh and I hate the fact that of course to me he's like yeah we don't have to be super physical because he was literally having sex with Taylor. I'm like, bro. And I saw the scene, like, with her family in Dakota, and I absolutely hated it. And no matter if you're having sex with someone after hanging out with them a couple times, it's still not justified to be treated like this, in my personal opinion. Ugh, the rage that I just feel right now in my body towards this situation after editing and looking over everything again and again and again. I'm just like, ugh. I have so many things that I could say, and I hate relationships like this. I hate when men take advantage of women. And yeah, I know there's two sides to every story for sure. But like, as you can see from these text messages and these interactions, like he was in the wrong and he really did some things that were pretty awful. Currently 2 a.m. in Bali. So I am going to stop recording this so I can upload it. But I've seen a lot of people on TikTok be like, Jenna had no emotions. She didn't even care about Taylor. She was smiling the whole time, which I'm also doing in this episode. But that is truly my coping mechanism since I was a little kid and I was on Adderall and I was not in a good headspace or in a good relationship. There were so many factors that went into that. Since this all, I feel like I have, obviously this was like over two years ago, I've evolved so much as a human and yeah, I've just learned so much. And even that situation, like I feel like really taught me to trust my intuition because like I knew, like something in me knew that it wasn't right, that I was kind of being played in a sense something was off. Yeah, like I just truly am realizing like I don't have time to be true like that I don't have time to just like sit and wait around for people and I think I actually handled that situation with him so well like I'm really proud of myself and I'm really grateful that I was such a girl's girl in the whole situation with Taylor even in the text messages to him I was just like understand why you date her like she's so sick it just all really ties in because like this is everything that I'm about I have the deepest desire to help people come home to themselves and I've been through some really shitty stuff sexual abuse emotional abuse growing up and things that have just like definitely taken me to the depths of my despair and narcissistic relationships that led to me you know not wanting to be here anymore and I've just really really been through it I want everyone to feel so loved and feel like they're important that is my greatest desire that's why I have this podcast that's why we're here and my company vulnerability school is really just for anyone that wants to be real and wants to just stop being in these relationships that don't fill you up that wants to come up to themselves and I just launched my new online community vulnerability school community we're going to do a 21 day reschedule that's going to start soon and I'm super excited. There's going to be a meditation for you to do every day, shadow work prompts, a community of women that have your back. We're all going to be in it together. I've run a couple of these online programs and they've been incredible every single time because you get to show up as whoever you want to be, not who everybody else wants you to be, but who you want to be. It's a place where you can join and connect and cry and be weird if you want to be weird and have boundaries if you want to have boundaries. I try to express to everyone that joins anything that I'm doing that my goal is not to change you my goal is to help you realign with your true most authentic self and really just come home to you the realignment too comes from growing up in the Mormon church where I really truly feel like I was taught to not follow my own intuition you know the famous quote doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith so essentially doubt your intuition before you doubt the church that's actually crazy that's crazy and I used to preach that doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith and now I preach the exact opposite because that's I think the most important work that we will ever do on this earth. Check out the link below and come join. I always ask this question on my podcast, but if I could have everyone understand in the world, understand one thing, what would it be? I think my thing today would be that you are worthy. Gosh, I'm always emotional. You are worthy and you are worth it. You are everything that you need to be. The perfect, most aligned version of you, you already are that. You just need to let her out or let him out. You deserve to believe that about yourself. and to really come home to this beautiful, incredible version of you. You might just be here for the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, but I hope that you can stay and come a little bit closer to who you really are and realign with your true and authentic self. Come to a retreat in the future or a workshop or even just keep listening to the podcast. I'd love to have you here. You are safe here and you are loved here and you are worthy here and you are everything that you need to be here. I feel like I'm giving a talk in church. 26 years in the Mormon faith prepared me for this podcast, all right? Those are my thoughts today. I'm trying to think of anything else. Maybe I'll do like a question box and do like a Q&A for after. I love you all and I hope that you know that you are so important and you are worth it. You are so worthy of the love that you seek. In the name of vulnerability, amen.