From Resistance to Resilience: Thriving Beyond Self-Judgment (or the judgements of others)

In this episode we dive deep into the theme of resistance and self-judgment, exploring how encountering inner blocks is part of the growth process when stepping outside our comfort zone. I unpack the idea that resistance doesn’t mean something’s gone wrong; rather, it’s normal and is in fact an opportunity to move with compassion and curiosity through the things that hold us back. Together, we’ll reflect on how to acknowledge and soften self-criticism, assess what we need to move forward, and learn from powerful moments of self-discovery without judgment.

Ever wondered how to transform criticism into a source of empowerment? We'll discover the art of building a resilient mindset as we explore how to detach from others’ opinions without letting them define you and reclaim your own personal power. Learn how to relish in the energy that resistance brings, turning it into a dance of love and passion. Uncover the freedom that comes with not taking things personally and rise above the storm with grace and resilience. This episode promises to guide you through the storm, helping you dance in the rain and embrace your true potential.

Join me as we delve into these tools to help you hold compassion for yourself, navigate resistance with ease, and develop the freedom to thrive on your unique journey.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome!
• 0:52 It's OK To Struggle.
• 2:37 Where There Is Resistance There Is Energy
• 4:02 Not Taking Things Personally
• 5:32 Fear Of Embarrassment
• 9:43 Receiving Uncomfortable Feedback
• 13:32 Developing A More Empowered Perspective
• 14:57 Self Compassion
• 16:10 Personal Attack Vs Valuable Feedback
• 17:20 Thank You

Transcript

Gregg Berman: 0:02

Ready to unlock your full potential, join me, Gregg Berman. Your guide to self-discovery, self-acceptance and joy. This podcast blends life coaching, mindfulness and the power of nature to help you manage anxiety, cultivate self-compassion and embrace your true self. Compassion and embrace your true self. Along the way, we'll embrace the imperfection, fallibility and messiness of what it means to be a human with love, care and acceptance for all of who you are. This is your sanctuary for a more mindful, authentic and fulfilling life. Let's embark on this journey together as we give you permission to be your full self.

Gregg Berman: 0:51

In the last episode, I shared with you a struggle I'm currently navigating and how I'm moving through it. The message I wanted you to receive is it's okay to have struggles, it's okay to not have all the answers or to have inner blocks holding you back. It can be so easy to judge ourselves when we feel we don't have it all figured out but nobody has it all figured out and when we hold ourselves with compassion, it makes the journey to achieving our desires that much more easeful, even if and when we inevitably stumble along the way. In a business meeting I was in earlier today, I heard one of the coaches tell another participant that was dealing with their own blocks and resistance. If you don't feel resistance, then you are not pushing hard enough. I totally understand how that can sound like a very masculine-centric model, though I don't think the meaning was that we must always be pushing, but rather the fact that it is normal for resistance to come up. It's part of the growth process when we are doing something outside our comfort zone. That does not mean it is a requirement that we have resistance, but rather we don't have to judge ourselves for having it or assume something is wrong simply because we feel resistance. Instead, we can know and acknowledge it is normal. It's a part of the process. We can know and acknowledge it is normal. It's a part of the process. Then we can explore the places inside ourselves that need more compassion and understanding, as we also assess what resources we need to move forward.

Gregg Berman: 2:38

Another way of saying the same thing is the quote where there is resistance, there is energy. Where there is energy, there is power. Where there is power, there is love by Dr Randolph Stone, founder of Polarity Therapy. What I take from that quote is if we just did not care about something, there would not be resistance. But when we feel passionate about something, when we feel care for that thing. It can feel scary to move towards it and it activates our not enough stories. For me, it feels valuable in those moments of resistance to remind myself of the love and passion that created the resistance, because that is where our power lies. It reminds me of another quote Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain, by author Vivian Green. In a future episode, I'll share more about how I've been learning to dance in the rain.

Gregg Berman: 3:45

For today, I'd like to share with you a post I created for my blog on December 25, 2023, on creating a resilient mind by not taking others' words or actions as personal affronts. So away we go as personal affronts, so away we go. A resilient mindset the freedom to stop taking things personally and start thriving. Do you ever feel shame, anger or discomfort based on the words or actions of others? Criticism, negative feedback, feeling we are being made fun of or even merely not being liked by someone can all feel like arrows aimed directly at our hearts. When we take things personally, we often feel attacked and diminish ourselves. Often, this comes from the subconscious belief that if I harm myself first, it's going to hurt less. When others quote try to harm me, it's as if you release your own personal fears and judgments to run free in your mind. However, the key to feeling more peace, joy and happiness lies in developing a bulletproof mindset that allows you to rise above personalization. It's what Peter Sage defines as swimming in goop, or the good opinion of other people. When we allow others' comments to define our truth, our greatness or even our in-the-moment emotions, we are giving them power that does not belong to them. This can take many forms. Here are just a few.

Gregg Berman: 5:32

Fear of embarrassment we can all relate to the feeling of being embarrassed, but the impact that that embarrassment has on us can be quite varied. Many years ago, my girlfriend and live together partner used to enjoy hiding in her home and trying to scare me. Whenever she was successful, I allowed it to sour my mood because in my mood, because in my head, I equated falling for her joke as a personal failure, conscious and unconscious stories of I should not be so easily startled or I must look ridiculous, and so many more uncomfortable thoughts entered my head. So I often became upset because, after all, anger is the emotion of self-preservation and in this case, getting upset with her was an unconscious way of my psyche fighting back against my perceived attacker, even though I knew this was someone who loved me. Another option I chose was to put a great deal of energy into hiding my discomfort, because my internal less-than stories and fears did not want anyone to have the proof that I was as inadequate as I felt. I certainly didn't want someone who mattered a great deal to me thinking that, even though the reality is she was just trying to be playful and not thinking less of me at all.

Gregg Berman: 7:04

Years later, seeing videos on YouTube of people playing practical jokes on their friends and co-workers so many of those people responded in a similar manner to me because of their own insecurities and versions of not enough stories. It created discomfort for them. But there was one type of response that really shocked me. Some people, after their initial surprise or embarrassment, actually found it funny. Can you believe they actually laughed along with the joke what? How the hell is that even possible? I just didn't get it. I was surprised because in my mind I did not even know such a response was on the list of possibilities.

Gregg Berman: 7:53

But seeing people actually having a good time and enjoying the humor, and not only not taking it as a personal attack, but even being playful with it, was a revelation to me. It gave me a new possibility for a new and more empowered experience, rather than seeing it as a source of disconnection and proof that I'm not enough. What if, instead, I could see playful teasing and embarrassment as an experience where I felt a sense of inclusion, camaraderie and joy, maybe even love, that someone felt comfort enough to be with me in that way? That was certainly what I was seeing on some of those YouTube videos and it was honestly mind-blowing. And it was honestly mind-blowing and it offered insight into a much more empowering and nurturing experience, rather than the experience of exclusion, anger, frustration and less than that I had been creating for myself by my previous ingrained reaction Realizing if I don't make myself small, others won't make me small either. In fact, they can't. Learning I could even enjoy the experience was revelatory.

Gregg Berman: 9:18

Certainly, there are times when someone's behavior does not work for you and you may want to set a boundary, but even that can be done from a place of empowerment and strength, rather than self-deprecation and victimhood, as used to be the case for me. It can be done from a place of sharing feedback about what feels good to you, versus being defensive because a part of you feels attacked. Now let's talk about receiving negative feedback. It can certainly be uncomfortable to receive negative feedback, especially if it is not what we hoped or expected to hear, but it does not have to be a traumatic experience. Taking things personally often stems from a deep-rooted emotional response based on our personal history. Simply noticing and acknowledging this fact is the first step to freedom. Recognize that external opinions don't define your worth or your capabilities. Instead, we have the opportunity to view criticism as an opportunity for growth and self-improvement. We can take in what feels valuable and leave the rest. In some cases, that's enough. Other times just in the example above sometimes it might be valuable, whether in that moment or at another time, to let someone know the best way to share feedback so you can most easily receive it.

Gregg Berman: 10:54

Another personal experience of mine was at a week-long retreat on love and connection I attended about 10 years ago. A woman shared with me in an exercise a noticing she was having. She shared, greg. I notice every time we talk, I ask you lots about you and you don't ask me anything about me. It was super uncomfortable to hear that, because I've always deeply cared about others and the thought that I was not offering someone the opportunity to share themselves or, worse, that I might be seen as self-centered or uncaring, was painful. At the same time, it was really great and valuable information. I thought about what she shared nearly every day for years with the desire to be better.

Gregg Berman: 11:45

What I realized was, given my history of what I phrase as pathological shyness, in spite of caring about others and their experience, when I was in front of them, there was a loud voice in my head going Am I okay? Am I okay? Do they like me? Am I doing it right? Am I okay? Am I okay? Do they like me? Am I doing it right? Am I okay? Am I okay? Those thoughts were so loud, both consciously and unconsciously, that it did not allow me to connect in the ways I most deeply desired.

Gregg Berman: 12:19

Receiving that feedback, I could have gotten angry and retorted, or I could have retreated in on myself, making myself small and using it as proof of my doing it wrong and simply beat myself up. Honestly, there likely was some self-recrimination and, at the same time, I used that feedback as the catalyst to support me in something I deeply wanted. I'm so thankful I chose to take in that feedback despite my initial discomfort, because these days I'm acknowledged both by friends and clients for the great questions I ask for, the ways I listen and how I make them feel seen, heard, safe and cared for. I no longer have to ask myself if I'm doing okay, because through lots of inner and outer work, I've developed a trust that I am, I've developed the tools to check in if and when miscommunications do happen and I've developed the relationships that I can turn to for support if the sting of some feedback I received is momentarily too much to handle on my own.

Gregg Berman: 13:33

So how do we shift our perspective To build a bulletproof mindset? It's helpful to reframe your perspective by noticing the intent with which the feedback was offered. Was it with the desire to cause you pain or discredit you? If so, understand that kind of criticism says more about the person delivering it than it does about you. Says more about the person delivering it than it does about you. Often your natural defenses may show up, even when the intent was to be informative and supportive, regardless of how the message was delivered. However, when you can embrace a growth mindset, you begin to see these otherwise painful experiences as chances to learn and improve. You can ask yourself what new insights can I learn here? Or perhaps you decide the critique, however well-intentioned, does not resonate for you. Either way, when you see this as simply information and even a desire to be supportive, you are choosing not to make yourself wrong. This shift will empower you to approach situations with resilience and curiosity rather than defensiveness.

Gregg Berman: 14:57

Self-compassion is another important step. When you find yourself taking things personally, be compassionate with yourself. Self-compassion is another important step. When you find yourself taking things personally, be compassionate with yourself. Extend the same kindness to yourself that you would offer a friend. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks. Self-compassion allows you to view yourself through a lens of understanding and forgiveness, making it easier to detach from personalizing external opinions or from further attacking or wronging yourself. I've created a video meditation on self-compassion that I'm going to try to include in the show notes. Honestly, since tech is not my strong suit, I can't guarantee that it's going to be there, but if not, you can definitely find the link in the article on my website blog for December 25th 2023. Or you can go directly to my YouTube channel and search for EFT for self-compassion.

Gregg Berman: 16:10

So, rather than taking criticism as a personal attack, we have the option to treat it as valuable feedback. We can assess the constructive elements within it and use them as stepping stones for improvement. Everything else you can leave behind, and if there are ways you most prefer to receive feedback again, you can let the other person know. This proactive approach not only diffuses personalization, but also propels you toward continuous growth. Developing a bulletproof mindset is a transformative journey that requires self-awareness, resilience and a commitment to personal growth. It takes time to develop, so celebrate each small success along the way. Shifting perspectives, cultivating self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries and embracing feedback. You can stop taking things personally and embark on a path to thriving in every aspect of your life. Remember the power to create a resilient mindset lies within you.

Gregg Berman: 17:20

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I'm honored that you have chosen to be here and let me share with you. I hope what I share is nourishing and valuable for you. I hope it offers you some insight into your own patterns, whether they are similar or even if they are wildly different from my own. If anything resonates with you, I'd love to hear what you are taking away or even what questions it brings up for you. Let's give each other permission to be our full selves, both the amazing and the messy that resides in us all, and please share this far and wide. I'd be grateful if you'd put a like and a comment wherever you get your podcasts. You can find out more about me and my work on my website, inconnectionwithnaturecom. If I can be of more direct support, reach out and let's have a conversation. See you in the next episode or join me on my blog.