Covert vs Overt Narcissists: 5 Toxic Differences You Can’t Ignore

"Same game. Different masks."
Covert and overt narcissists may look like opposites—but don’t be fooled. In this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, I expose 5 unmissable differences between covert and overt narcissists, and how each uses toxic tactics to control, confuse and devalue you.

"Covert narcissists fly under the radar. Overt narcissists want the spotlight."

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Learn how covert narcissists use silent sabotage, guilt-tripping, and false humility to chip away at your confidence—while overt narcissists operate with arrogance, grandiosity, and open manipulation.

Whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic partner, parent, friend, or boss, this episode will help you clearly identify which type you’re up against—and how to protect yourself.

I share real-world examples from my counselling work, plus empowering tips to help you break free from the narcissist’s manipulation—once and for all.

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Please remember the information in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy is general and strictly the opinions of the host.

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Transcript

Covert vs Overt Narcissists: 5 Key Differences You Need to Know

When most people think of narcissists, they imagine the loud, arrogant show-offs—the ones who love the mirror, brag constantly, and pretty much suck the oxygen out of any room they walk into. And yep, those people definitely exist. But the truth is, the most dangerous narcissists aren't always the ones you see coming. In fact, some of the most damaging ones are the ones you don’t see. They're quiet, subtle, and often seem insecure or even sensitive.

I'm talking about covert narcissists.

After speaking to thousands of survivors over the years, I’ve found that it’s actually the covert narcissists who cause the most harm—and who are far more common than you might think. Society expects narcissists to be loud and obvious, so when someone comes along who seems shy, humble, or self-deprecating, you don’t automatically assume you’re dealing with a narcissist. That’s exactly what makes them so dangerous.

So whether you’re trying to make sense of a confusing relationship, struggling to escape, or just wondering why something didn’t quite feel right with someone who seemed kind, this blog is for you. Let’s break down five key differences between covert and overt narcissists—and why it's so important to spot the signs early.

1. How They Get Their Narcissistic Supply

Let’s start with what narcissists need to survive: narcissistic supply. This is their lifeblood—the praise, admiration, attention, and validation they constantly crave. It’s as important to them as oxygen is to us.

Overt narcissists chase supply in obvious ways. They love attention, they love praise, and they make sure they get it. They’re the ones who dominate every conversation, talk about their achievements nonstop, and generally make everything about themselves. You can usually pick them in a crowd.

Now, covert narcissists? Completely different approach.

They’re much sneakier about it. Instead of bragging, they might put themselves down in front of others—say things like, “I’m not as good as everyone else here,” or “I don’t think I did a good job.” But make no mistake, they’re not saying that because they believe it—they’re fishing. What they want is for you to rush in and say, “Oh no, you’re amazing!” It’s still manipulation, it’s just wrapped up in false humility.

So while the overt narcissist shouts, “Look at me!” the covert narcissist whispers, “Poor me.” But the end goal is the same: admiration, attention, and validation.

2. How They React to Criticism

This is a big one, because none of them can handle criticism. Seriously, it’s like throwing acid on their ego. But the way they react depends on whether they’re overt or covert.

Overt narcissists are more upfront. If they feel criticised (even if you’re just gently giving feedback), they’ll lash out. They’ll get angry, shout, argue, gaslight, and make you feel like you’re the problem. The fury comes out fast and hot, and you’ll definitely know they’re not happy.

Covert narcissists, on the other hand, do things more under the radar. They’ll sulk. Withdraw. Give you the silent treatment (which is torture if you’re on the receiving end). They’ll say things like, “I guess nothing I do is ever good enough for you,” or “I can’t do anything right.” It’s a guilt trip wrapped in victimhood, and it’s designed to make you feel bad—even though you’re the one who tried to raise a concern.

And what happens when you try to avoid conflict altogether because it’s just too draining? That’s exactly what they want. Covert narcissists train you over time to stop bringing things up, and to walk on eggshells around them.

3. Their Relationships with Others

Overt narcissists usually have a big entourage. They collect admirers, fans, and enablers. They love having people around who boost their ego, even if those relationships are shallow. And they’re all shallow, by the way—because narcissists don’t actually do real connection. They can’t. There’s no true love, loyalty, or empathy, so any relationship with a narcissist is going to be one-sided and transactional.

Covert narcissists, on the other hand, often have fewer people around them—but not because they’re more genuine. They’ll usually blame others for why they don’t have friends or family close. “People just don’t understand me,” they’ll say. Or, “Everyone turns on me eventually.” There’s always an excuse that paints them as the victim.

But here’s the thing—they actively push people away once they feel like someone’s seen behind the mask. If you’ve started to see their true colours, or call them out on their behaviour, you’ll quickly find yourself cut off. And then they’ll use that as further proof that people are “always turning on them.”

Another key difference? Covert narcissists will isolate you. They want you to become their primary emotional supplier. They make you feel like you’re the only one who truly understands them. That creates this deep dependency—and when they replace you (because they will replace you), you’re left crushed and confused.

4. How They Present Themselves

Let’s talk appearances. Overt narcissists are usually pretty obvious. They’re flashy, they crave status, and they want everyone to know how great they are. Think the loud guy at the party who makes everything about himself, or the woman who can’t stop name-dropping and humble-bragging.

Covert narcissists, though? They often come across as sweet, shy, humble, or even socially awkward. You might think they’re introverted, sensitive, or deeply emotional. And in the beginning, they might even tell you about all the people who’ve “hurt them” in the past. It tugs at your empathy. You think, “Wow, this person’s been through a lot. I just want to be there for them.”

But what’s really happening is they’re subtly roping you into a dynamic where you become their rescuer—and they become the victim. And once that dynamic is in place, they start using it against you. You’ll start feeling guilty for setting boundaries, or speaking up, or even having needs of your own.

5. The Aftermath: What Happens When You Try to Leave

Both types of narcissists will react badly when you try to pull away—but the way they do it can look different.

Overt narcissists will usually rage. They’ll call you names, smear you to everyone who’ll listen, and try to destroy your reputation. They want to win, and they want to be seen as the “wronged” one.

Covert narcissists, though? They’ll play the victim. They’ll tell people you were unstable, or abusive, or too demanding. They’ll rewrite the story so they’re the poor, misunderstood one who tried so hard to make things work. It’s all part of the manipulation—and it’s incredibly confusing for the people around them, who usually only ever saw their sweet, shy side.

And if you’re the one who finally sets a boundary or walks away? Get ready for the guilt trip of the century. You’ll hear things like, “I guess I just wasn’t good enough,” or “I always get abandoned.” They’ll try to suck you back in by making you feel sorry for them—and often, it works. Especially if you’re an empath.

Final Thoughts

So, what’s the bottom line here?

Both overt and covert narcissists are harmful. Both types can manipulate, gaslight, and destroy your self-worth. But covert narcissists can be particularly dangerous because they fly under the radar. You often don’t even realise you’re being abused until the damage has already been done.

If something feels off—even if the person seems nice, humble, or sensitive—trust your gut. That niggling feeling that something’s not quite right? It’s there for a reason.

And remember: just because someone isn’t shouting from the rooftops doesn’t mean they’re not a narcissist. Sometimes the quietest ones cause the deepest wounds.