Narcissistic Abuse, Coercive Control and Financial Abuse Explained

Feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time, constantly explaining your spending, or having to ask permission for your own money? You might be experiencing coercive control and financial control — one of the most insidious forms of abuse.

“It’s not about money. It’s about power.”

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In this eye-opening episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, we’re diving deep into the devastating trio of narcissistic abuse, coercive control, and financial abuse — the silent weapons narcissists use to dominate, isolate, and wear down their victims.

I break down how narcissists use money as a weapon — not just to punish, but to own you. From limiting access to joint funds, racking up debt in your name, sabotaging your job, or demanding to see every receipt, these tactics aren’t random — they’re calculated.

You’ll learn:

✅ What financial abuse looks like in narcissistic relationships
✅ How coercive control traps victims in silence and shame
✅ Why narcissists use money to dominate and destabilise
✔️ The subtle red flags most people overlook
⭐ How survivors can begin to reclaim their autonomy and financial safety

“Financial abuse keeps you stuck long after the relationship ends.”

Whether it’s a partner, parent, or even an adult child — narcissists use coercive control to chip away at your independence. I draw from real-life client stories and professional insight to help you recognise the patterns, understand the tactics, and start the journey to empowerment.

“If they control the money, they control your choices.”

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Nova xx

Transcript

Coercive Control and Financial Abuse: When "Caring" Turns Controlling

Let’s talk about something that doesn’t get enough attention: coercive control, especially when it’s wrapped up in the pretty little bow of what looks like love and concern. The thing is, this type of control goes hand-in-hand with narcissistic abuse. And today, I want to talk specifically about how this plays out through financial abuse—because it’s more common than people realise.

What is Coercive Control, Really?

Coercive control is basically when someone tries to dominate your life—not necessarily with fists or screaming matches—but through fear, manipulation, and punishments that are often so subtle you don’t even realise what’s happening until it’s way too late.

It's not just about control for the sake of control—it’s about conditioning. The narcissist trains you to behave in certain ways by punishing you when you don’t fall in line. And the scariest part? At first, it can look like love.

A Familiar Example: “They Just Care What I Wear... Right?”

Let me paint a picture.

In the beginning, the narcissist takes you shopping. It’s fun, right? They’re giving their opinion on what looks good, what doesn’t. You’re thinking, “Wow, this person’s so invested in me, they even care about what I wear.” You feel special.

But then, over time, it becomes less about fun and more about approval. One day you pick something out on your own, and bam—there it is. The glare. The silent treatment. Maybe they say nothing at all, but that eyebrow raise? You know you’ve done the wrong thing.

So what do you do? Next time, you ask them what to wear. Then the time after that. And suddenly, you’re no longer making choices for yourself—you’re looking for their approval every single time, just to avoid the punishment. You’ve been trained.

The punishments start small—maybe a sulk or a moody comment—but they ramp up. And before you know it, you’re walking on eggshells, doing what they want just to keep the peace.

“It’s Just Because They Care About Me…”

That’s the trick. It starts off looking like love. Like they care. That’s why it’s so hard to recognise as abuse, especially at the start. The narcissist doesn’t just yank the rug out from under you—they slowly, slowly pull it until you’re the one off-balance and unsure of your own instincts.

And this exact tactic—this slow erosion of autonomy—shows up massively when it comes to money.

Financial Abuse: The Ultimate Control Tool

Here’s the thing—money is power. And power is everything to the narcissist.

If you don’t have money, you can’t leave. If you don’t have access to resources, you have no freedom. That’s why financial abuse is one of the most powerful weapons in the narcissist’s toolbox.

And, surprise surprise, it often starts under the guise of caring.

Let’s talk about Sophie—her story’s in my book Fake Love, and it’s one I hear versions of all the time in my counselling sessions.

Sophie's Story: When “Love” Becomes Control

Sophie gets married to Justin. She’s studying at the time, but Justin says, “Why don’t you give that up and stay home with the kids? I want to support you, and it’s important someone is there for them in the early years.” Sounds lovely, right?

So Sophie agrees. She’s grateful. She thinks, “I’m so lucky to have a partner who values family this much.”

Justin even sits down with her to write out a budget. He says, “Here’s what I earn, here’s what we need for groceries,” and sets an amount she can use for food and necessities. He tells her budgeting isn’t her strength (which, by the way, she’d never believed before), and that he’ll take on the awful job of managing the bills, the taxes—all of it—because he just “wants to take that stress off her.”

Sounds generous, doesn’t it?

But fast-forward a bit… and Sophie starts noticing things.

He’s splashing out on luxury items. New car. Fancy new tech. Expensive gadgets. Meanwhile, she’s struggling to afford groceries. When she asks for a little more money, she gets shut down. Suddenly, the “supportive” husband becomes defensive, saying things like, “Don’t you trust me?” or “Are you accusing me of hiding money?”

And Sophie—being the kind, empathetic person she is—starts to question herself. She thinks, “Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I am being ungrateful. He does work long hours. He’s given me this beautiful life, a roof over my head, a nice car…”

But let’s be clear—what’s happening here is coercive control through financial abuse.

When “Budgeting” Is Really About Control

Sophie has no idea how much Justin actually earns. He runs his own business, and every time she asks, it’s suddenly “doing badly.” But she sees the evidence: the new purchases, the lifestyle, the expenses that only benefit him.

And as things escalate, the control gets tighter. She starts having to sit down with him to go over receipts, explain every cent she spends, and defend her grocery choices. He criticises her decisions, says she’s “not good with money,” and tells her what is and isn’t “necessary.”

She even ends up laybying gifts for her children’s birthdays—because she needs his permission before spending anything extra.

That’s not love. That’s not partnership. That’s a parent–child dynamic. She’s being treated like a child who needs approval for every move.

And perhaps the most heartbreaking part? She couldn’t leave even if she wanted to. Because she had no money. No access. Nothing in her name.

This Is More Common Than You Think

I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve worked with who don’t realise they’re being financially abused until it’s too late.

They’re living in what looks like a “perfect” life—a lovely home, a decent car, holidays even—but they don’t have access to any of it. And when it comes time to leave, they find out nothing is in their name. They’ve got no cash, no credit history, no way to hire a lawyer, and no idea where to start.

This stuff doesn’t just happen overnight. It’s a slow, insidious decline—starting from what seems like love, care, and protection. But over time, it strips you of your independence, your confidence, and your ability to make basic choices.

What If You’re the One Managing the Money?

Now, let me flip the script for a second—because I hear this version, too.

Sometimes, it’s the victim who's doing all the financial managing. You’re paying the bills, budgeting down to the last cent, making sure the mortgage is paid—but your partner is out spending on credit cards like money grows on trees. They’re at the casino. They’re blowing money left, right, and centre, and you’re left scrambling.

You’re living with constant financial stress, but they’re the ones creating it—and blaming you for being “too uptight.”

That is still financial abuse. Just a different version.

So What Can You Do?

The first step is recognising it for what it is. Abuse doesn’t always look like yelling or slamming doors. Sometimes, it looks like “budgeting.” Like “protecting you.” Like “taking care of everything.”

But if it chips away at your independence, if it makes you feel like a child in your own relationship, if it leaves you financially stuck and emotionally scared to speak up—that’s not love. That’s control.

And if this sounds like your situation, please know this: You’re not crazy, and you’re not alone.

Support is out there. Whether it’s through counselling, legal help, or just someone validating what you’ve been through—you can get out of this.

Need support?
Book a Zoom counselling session with me—wherever you are in the world. Just head to the link in the description.

If this blog helped you feel seen or heard, share it, comment, and let me know your thoughts. And don’t forget to check out my book Fake Love for more real-world examples, strategies, and support for escaping toxic relationships.

Remember: Coercive control is abuse—no matter how subtle it seems at first. Your freedom matters. Your safety matters. You matter.