Should You Forgive the Covert Narcissist? What Survivors Need to Know

Forgiveness is often misunderstood, especially by those who haven’t lived through the manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse narcissists inflict. This episode will help you understand

Should you forgive the narcissist? It's a question that haunts many survivors of narcissistic abuse—and today, we’re unpacking it.

In this powerful episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, I explore the loaded topic of forgiveness when it comes to narcissists. You’ll learn why the push to “just forgive and move on” can feel invalidating, how toxic positivity can pressure survivors into unsafe situations, and why your healing doesn’t have to include reconciliation or even formal forgiveness.

We cover:

* Why forgiving a narcissist isn’t the same as healing

* How “forgiveness culture” can retraumatise survivors

* What real healing looks like without forced forgiveness

* When forgiveness is helpful—and when it’s just another trap

* How to set boundaries and protect your peace, even without closure

 Whether you’re still in contact with a narcissist or have gone full no-contact, this episode will validate your journey and remind you that your healing path is yours to define.

“You don’t have to forgive the narcissist to heal—you just have to free yourself from their control.”    

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Nova xx

Transcript

Do I Have to Forgive the Narcissist to Heal?

One of the most common questions I get asked by my beautiful clients—especially those deep in the trenches of healing from narcissistic abuse—is this:

"Nova, do I have to forgive the narcissist to be able to move on?"

And let me tell you, the relief on their faces when I give them my honest answer is everything. You can literally see the weight start to lift off their shoulders.

So, let me say this loud and clear—NO.
You do not have to forgive the narcissist in order to heal.

Let’s break it down together, because I know this can be a really tricky and emotional topic, especially when you’re doing the work to untangle yourself from years—sometimes decades—of emotional manipulation and trauma.

The Pressure to Forgive

Let’s be real. We've all heard it before, right?

"You just need to forgive and move on."
"Holding onto anger only hurts you."
"Forgiveness sets you free."

Sound familiar?

Now, I’m not here to bash anyone who finds healing through forgiveness. If that works for you—awesome. Truly. I support whatever gets you to a place of peace. But what I don’t support is people being told they have to forgive their abuser, especially when that abuser was a narcissist who never showed even a shred of remorse and would hurt them all over again given half the chance.

Forgiveness is your choice. Full stop.

So, What Is Forgiveness Anyway?

Here’s the textbook definition:
 Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it.

And here’s what I say:
 Why on earth would you feel obligated to forgive someone who would do it all again tomorrow if they could?

Let’s remember who we’re talking about here.
 This is someone who manipulated you, gaslit you, isolated you from your support system, and did everything in their power to wear you down emotionally and mentally.

This wasn’t just a one-off bad relationship. This was systematic, calculated abuse.
 So if you’re not jumping at the idea of forgiving that person… guess what? You’re normal.

“Just Forgive and Move On” – The Most Harmful Advice Ever

Here’s something I really want to drive home: telling a survivor of narcissistic abuse to just forgive and move on is victim-blaming in disguise.

It shifts the responsibility off the abuser (you know, the one who actually caused the harm) and dumps it right onto the victim's lap. Suddenly it’s your job to “be the bigger person,” even though you’re the one who’s been psychologically tortured, discarded, and gaslit to the point where you’re questioning your own reality.

And do you know what’s even worse? So many of my clients feel more resentment toward the people telling them to “forgive and move on” than they do toward the narcissist themselves.

Why?
 Because those words feel dismissive. They feel invalidating.
 They make it seem like your pain has a time limit—and it doesn’t.

Forgiveness Isn’t a Badge of Honour

Some people like to paint forgiveness as this holy grail of healing. Like once you’ve forgiven your abuser, it means you’ve “done the work” and you’re officially emotionally evolved.

But let’s get real for a second. When you’ve been through narcissistic abuse—when your mind has been toyed with, your emotions twisted, and your trust shattered—the idea of forgiving the person who did that to you? That can feel impossible. Not just hard. Impossible.

And honestly, it can feel completely wrong.

Forgiveness is often held up as a sign of moral superiority, like you’ve somehow won the healing Olympics. But that’s just not how it works. Healing doesn’t come with a gold medal ceremony. It comes with tears, setbacks, boundary-setting, self-reflection, and a whole lot of processing.

You Can Heal Without Forgiving

Here’s the truth that I hope really sinks in for you:
 You can absolutely heal without ever forgiving your abuser.

You can reclaim your peace.
 You can rebuild your sense of self.
 You can set rock-solid boundaries, go no-contact, and never look back.

You can detach emotionally, take your power back, and stop thinking about them altogether.
 That “meh” feeling? That’s freedom. That’s healing.
 And you don’t need to say “I forgive you” to get there.

Why You Don’t Owe Forgiveness

Let me say something that might be a little uncomfortable, but super empowering:

You do not owe forgiveness to someone who isn’t sorry.
Especially not someone who would weaponise your forgiveness to hurt you again.

Narcissists love second chances. They love to wiggle their way back in through your empathy, your guilt, your kindness.
And if you say “I forgive you,” some of them will see that as an open invitation to come right back in and start the abuse cycle all over again.

So be careful with who gets access to your compassion.
 That’s sacred. That’s yours.

When Forgiveness Becomes Re-Trauma

Here’s something else I’ve seen far too often:
 Survivors forcing themselves to forgive before they’re ready—or when they don’t even want to—and it ends up retraumatizing them.

That resentment just builds and builds until they’re exploding with guilt, confusion, and shame.
 They think they’re doing something wrong by not being able to “let it go.”

But they’re not doing anything wrong. They’re just being honest.

Trying to slap a band-aid of forgiveness over deep, unhealed trauma doesn’t fix the wound—it just covers it up temporarily. And eventually, it starts to fester underneath.

If You Need to Forgive, Start With You

If you do feel the need to forgive someone, then let that someone be you.

Forgive yourself for not leaving sooner.
 Forgive yourself for loving someone who turned out to be emotionally abusive.
 Forgive yourself for the shame, the guilt, the "how did I not see it" thoughts.

Because that shame? That doesn’t belong to you.
 It belongs to the abuser. Let them carry that, not you.

Anger Isn’t the Enemy

And while we’re at it—can we talk about anger?

You are 100% entitled to your anger. I would be concerned if you weren’t angry after everything you’ve been through.
Anger is a completely natural, valid response to abuse.
It’s what we do with that anger that matters.

I talk a lot more about this in my book Fake Love (there’s a link in the description if you want to dive deeper), but here's the gist:
Anger can fuel your healing. It can give you the strength to enforce boundaries, to leave, to stay gone, and to never allow that person access to your life again.

You don’t need to "let it go" just because someone else is uncomfortable with it.

Your Healing, Your Rules

So, here’s what I really want you to walk away with:

• You do not have to forgive to heal.
• You are not broken or bitter if you choose not to forgive.
• Healing is about you, not them.

You get to define what healing looks like for you. Maybe that includes forgiveness one day, and maybe it doesn’t. Either way, you’re doing just fine.

So if you’ve been told by a well-meaning friend or family member—or even a therapist—that “forgiveness sets you free,” just know: that’s their path, not necessarily yours.

You can choose detachment. You can choose boundaries. You can choose peace.
 And you can absolutely choose to heal without ever muttering the words “I forgive you.”