Why Covert Narcissists Accuse You of Cheating When They Are

Ever been accused of cheating by a narcissist — even when you’ve been nothing but loyal? This episode dives into one of their most toxic manipulation tactics: projection.

We explore why narcissists often blame their partners for cheating while they’re the ones actually betraying the relationship. This behaviour is deeply confusing and emotionally exhausting, often leaving victims in a cycle of denial, guilt, and over-explaining. But behind the false accusations lies a calculated strategy to control, distract, and destabilise.

Learn how projection protects the narcissist’s false self, shifts blame, and keeps you in a constant state of defence. We unpack how this tactic ties into narcissistic supply, gaslighting, and the broader cycle of emotional abuse.

If you’ve ever questioned yourself after being unfairly accused, this episode will help you understand the deeper motives behind the narcissist’s behaviour — and why it was never about you.

Need Support, Extra Resources? Resources and Online Counseling (worldwide) information Here

Order my book Fake Love – Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse here

You can leave a Rating and a Review here

You Can Share this Podcast here

Join me on FB here
Join the private FB group here
Join me on Instagram here

Join me on YouTube here

Please Buy me a coffee ❤️

Thank you for listening!
Please remember the information in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy is general and strictly the opinions of the host.

Nova xx

Transcript

When the Narcissist Accuses You of Cheating… Because They Are

Ever been accused of cheating by someone who was actually the one cheating on you the whole time?

Yep. Strap in—because we’re diving into one of the most twisted, gaslighty, mind-bending games in the narcissist’s playbook: projection.

Specifically, we’re talking about when the narcissist accuses you of being unfaithful—while they’re out there being shady, deleting messages, and playing “just friends” with someone they’ve actually been sleeping with.

If this is you? Let me say this loud and clear:
 You are not crazy. You were being manipulated. Full stop.

Let’s talk about why narcissists do this, how it works, what it feels like, and the sneaky little signs to look out for—before it eats away at your self-worth.

So, What Even Is Projection?

Projection is basically when someone can’t own their own crap—so they toss it onto you. Think of it like emotional hot potato.

But narcissists don’t just toss the potato—they light it on fire and shove it in your lap.

Instead of being accountable for their lies, their cheating, or whatever shady behaviour they’re hiding, they start accusing you.
 “Why are you always on your phone?”
“You seem distant lately…”
“Who are you texting?”
“Why did you go out again without me?”

And all of this while they’re sneaking around, deleting apps, and lying about where they are.

It’s not just hypocrisy—it’s emotional warfare.

It Hurts Because You Care

Being accused of cheating by someone you love—someone you’ve trusted—is brutal. You feel:

• Shocked
• Hurt
• Confused
• Defensive
• Powerless

And over time? You start to doubt yourself. You over-explain everything. You pull back from your friends, just to avoid conflict. You feel like a “bad partner.”

Eventually, it just feels easier to comply than to keep defending yourself.

Let me stop you there.
 This is emotional abuse.
This is coercive control.
Point blank.

Client Story Time: The Projection Hall of Fame

You know I hear this all the time from clients. So let me give you a couple of real-life (name-changed, of course) examples that are just chef’s kiss classic narcissistic projection.

1. The Smokescreen

Let’s call him Dave.

Dave's wife would lose it if he worked late. She said he was secretive. Distant. Acting “off.”
So he showed her his texts. His calendar. Even his timesheet.

But none of it mattered—she didn’t believe a word of it.

Why? Because she was the one cheating. With her personal trainer, no less. All the finger-pointing was just a giant smokescreen. Projection 101.

2. The Preemptive Strike

Now let’s talk about Jess.

Every time Jess went out with friends, her boyfriend turned into a jealous, texting tornado. Twenty messages a night.
 “You’re probably flirting with someone.”
 “You’re probably sleeping with someone else.”

Well… turns out he was cheating—with a coworker. The very one Jess had once asked about, and he’d said: “Oh, we’re just mates.”

They’d been seeing each other for six months.

And that—ladies and gentlemen—is the preemptive strike. Attack before you're attacked. Distract before you're caught.

The Narcissist’s Script: What It Sounds Like

Here are a few phrases you might hear that sound like “concern” but are really big fat red flags:

• “You’re acting different lately.”
• “Who are you always texting?”
• “Why do you need to go out without me?”
• “I can feel you’re hiding something.”
• “If you’ve got nothing to hide, let me see your phone.”
• “Don’t gaslight me—I know what I see.”

See what they’re doing there? It’s never about respect or listening—it’s all about them being “suspicious.” And suddenly, you feel guilty for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

So let me say it again for the people in the back:
 If you're being accused of cheating on the regular—and you're not cheating—what they're actually doing is confessing.
Because projection? That’s what it is. A confession in disguise.

Why Narcissists Project Like This

Let’s break it down.

1. To Avoid Facing Themselves

Narcissists hate seeing their own flaws. Their own guilt. Their own behaviour. So instead of sitting with that?
 They dump it all onto you.
You're the liar. You're the flirt. You're the one who's acting shady.

Classic case of: “It can’t be me… so it must be you.”

2. To Knock You Off Balance

This is a big one.

If they accuse you of cheating, you start defending. You explain. You justify. You walk on eggshells. You live in “proving mode.”

That’s exactly where they want you.

The more energy you’re putting into defending your innocence, the less you’re noticing their guilty behaviour.

3. To Play the Victim

If they sense the relationship is falling apart—or if they’re already planning their exit—they’ll throw out the cheating accusation first.

That way, when it all blows up, they get to say, “She broke my heart… he betrayed me… I did everything I could…”

And now they look like the heartbroken victim.

It’s all about controlling the narrative.

4. To Control You

Cheating accusations often lead to:

• Phone checks
• Location tracking
• Guilt-tripping
• Constant questioning
• Isolating you from friends

And all of this is dressed up as:
 “I just care about you.”
 “I just want honesty.”
 “I just need to know where you are.”

Translation?
 “I want to control you while I do whatever the hell I want.”

5. Because They’re Scared of Losing Power

They’re scared you’ll catch on. That you’ll leave. That you’ll out-manipulate the manipulator. So they go on the offensive.

They need control—and if they feel like they’re losing it, they’ll throw anything at you to get it back.

Why It Hurts So Much

Let’s be honest: being falsely accused of cheating by someone you love? It wrecks you.

You start questioning everything:

• Am I really that flirty?
• Maybe I didn’t communicate well enough.
• Am I the problem?

And if you’ve got any unhealed trauma in the background—especially from past relationships or childhood—this kind of manipulation just rips all of that wide open.

But let me be crystal clear:

You are not the problem.
You are being dragged into the messed-up mind of someone who refuses to own their own behaviour.

How They Get Away With It

Because they’re good at it.

Narcissists can fake it really well. They cry. They rage. They play the “wounded” card. And society, bless it, often takes their side.

We hear things like:

• “Well if you’ve got nothing to hide, why not show your phone?”
• “Jealousy is normal.”
• “Maybe you did something to make them feel insecure.”

No. Stop right there.

This. Is. Not. Okay.

When The Truth Hits You

At some point, it all starts to make sense.

Maybe you catch them in a lie. Maybe your gut just won’t shut up anymore. And the fog begins to clear.

You realise the accusations were smoke and mirrors. Distractions. Manipulations. None of it was real.

And when you finally leave?
 Oh, they’ll go full nuclear.
 Cue the love bombing, the crying, the smear campaign, the “you’re the narcissist” accusations. It’s all projection—again.

But you?
 You don’t have to fall for it.
 You don’t have to read from their script ever again.

Let Me Leave You With This

If a narcissist is accusing you of cheating, know this:
 It says everything about them and absolutely nothing about you.

You told the truth.
 You tried to connect.
 You wanted something real.
 And you got gaslit, projected on, and exhausted.

That’s not love.
 That’s fake love.

Hence the name of my book, Fake Love. And if you want to dive deeper into all of this, you can grab your copy here 👇
📘 https://mybook.to/F3gm

You deserve trust. Peace. Real connection.
 Not games. Not control. Not accusations disguised as “concern.”

If you're in this right now—or healing from it—just remember:
 You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. And you will get through this.
Because real love? It trusts. It uplifts. It makes you feel safe.

The narcissist can keep playing games. But you?

You’re done playing.