Communication Style | How can I be assertive without sounding bossy? | Assertiveness Tips

Have you ever been told you're "too bossy" or "too direct" and been left wondering what you're actually supposed to do with that feedback? For many women leaders, vague feedback about communication style can undermine confidence far more than they support growth. The problem isn't always the feedback itself, it's that opinions about communication style are often presented as facts, making it difficult to know what genuinely needs to change.

Instead of accepting personality-based labels at face value, discover how to separate interpretation of communication style from observable behaviour so you can make informed decisions about your leadership. 

Through practical examples and real coaching experiences, you'll learn why effective leadership feedback should always focus on behaviours rather than assumptions, and how curiosity can help you gain clarity instead of self-doubt.

You'll hear practical assertiveness tips for responding to difficult conversations, including the questions that encourage meaningful dialogue, uncover useful evidence and shift vague criticism into actionable guidance. Whether you've been told you need more executive presence, received confusing executive feedback, or questioned your own communication style, these strategies will help you protect your confidence while continuing to grow as a leader.

The goal isn't to become a different person or make yourself smaller. It's about understanding which feedback genuinely supports your development and which comments belong in the bin. The strongest women leaders don't stop speaking up because of labels, they seek clarity, make intentional choices and continue leading with confidence. If you're ready to strengthen your leadership without losing your authentic voice, these insights will help you move forward with purpose as one of many capable women leaders navigating complex workplace feedback.

If recent feedback has left you feeling confused or questioning yourself, please book a discovery call and let's work through it together so you can move forward with confidence.

Simply click the link and share a few details and Liz will be in touch www.boldmovescoach.co.uk/connect 

Tags: women leaders, leadership feedback, executive presence, executive feedback, assertiveness tips

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Leadership Communication in Action is a podcast for women who are capable, thoughtful, and quietly questioning how they’re showing up at work and in life.

I’m Liz Boswell. I work with professional women who don’t need more advice, but do need space to think clearly, especially when the pressure is on.

Each episode is a calm, mentoring-style conversation grounded in real client moments. We look at the stories people carry, the behaviours those stories create, and the small, practical shifts that change how things land day to day.

You’ll hear honest reflections, psychologically precise questions, and simple actions you can try immediately, without overhauling your life or becoming someone else.

If you’re stepping into more responsibility, more visibility, or simply feeling the weight of decisions that matter, this podcast is here to help you slow things down, think more clearly, and move forward in a way that feels grounded and real.

A quiet companion for people who want to make better moves, not louder ones.

Transcript

Let's have a conversation about leadership feedback.

You know, it can shape your confidence, your career, and even whether you put yourself forward for your next promotion. But what happens when it goes wrong? What happens when the feedback you receive isn't really feedback at all?

So, have you ever been told you're too bossy?

too direct, or that you need to soften your communication. And then you've walked away wondering, what just happened? What on earth am I supposed to do with that?

Well, if you can relate, then pull up a chair and let's talk about it.

Because, honestly, today, I am ready to challenge this. I want to talk to you about one of the biggest problems that I see in leadership development for women.

Those labels…

Honestly.

they're not behaviours, are they? Those labels, they honestly make my…

Oh, they make me twitch because at the end of the day, bossy, direct, too much their opinions. And we need to figure out how we're going to deal with this, because unless you understand the behavior behind the opinion.

You can't decide whether it's something worth changing, or whether you should ignore it.

So, let's get into it then.

One of…

The biggest privileges, to be honest, for me, as a leadership coach, is getting a behind-the-scenes look at what women leaders are really thinking after they've received feedback, because on the outside, they appear calm.

capable, professional, they're like the swan, aren't they? You know.

gliding along there, but underneath, it's the churning away, the legs kicking and thinking, hmm, how am I gonna deal with that?

We're replaying conversations in your head, you're second-guessing yourself, wondering, have I damaged my reputation with something that I've said, something that I've done, have I upset someone?

And maybe you're questioning yourself as well, thinking, should I just stop speaking up altogether? And you're almost becoming a mute in those leadership meetings.

Um, one of my clients came to me recently.

for a leadership coaching session, and she looked completely deflated. I mean, it was on Zoom, but I could see.

just her energy. She was just really flat, so I had to ask her what was wrong. And she told me that she'd spent the previous 3 weeks leading up to this coaching session.

Thinking about one comment that she'd had from her line manager.

three weeks, and it had been going on in her head. She'd been thinking about it at night, talking to her husband about it, taking it back into work the next day with it in her mind, while she's having a conversation with people. And the feedback that she'd been given was simply.

You're coming across as too bossy. And the thing that made it even more confusing for her was that she'd deliberately been trying to become more decisive. It was something that we'd been working on with her leadership.

communication. She'd been working so hard on making quicker decisions, communicating with more confidence, stepping into her leadership.

And.

She just couldn't understand what she'd been doing wrong, and…

she said to me, I feel like I can't win, Liz. And if you've ever experienced something similar yourself as well, maybe if you've been told that you're too direct, or too assertive, too blunt, or too much.

LIZ liz@boldmovescoach.co.uk

13:03:04

And if you've been left with feedback that sounds important, but it's so vague that you don't actually know what to do with it, and you're really not sure whether there's something you need to change.

So, this is exactly why I offer discovery calls, actually. So, if you've recently received leadership feedback that's left you feeling confused, and that's still going around in your head, then please don't sit with it for weeks, trying to work it out on your own.

Sometimes just one conversation is enough to help you separate what's useful from simply someone's interpretation. And it can give you clarity and confidence about what to do next. And I'll leave the link in the show notes.

But first, let's just dig into this a little bit more then, and, um, let's unpack why this type of feedback is so difficult for us to process.

So here's a belief that I want to challenge with you today.

We often assume that…

All feedback is factual and based on evidence, but it isn't.

Some feedback that I've had myself, and that I've come across as well, is based on observable behaviour.

And then other feedback is based on interpretation of that behaviour.

And those are two very, very different things.

So, for example, if somebody says, you interrupted me 3 times during that meeting, that's observable, and it's something that we can probably…

Judge as well and think, actually, you know what, you're right, I'm sorry, I did interrupt you.

But if somebody says you're bossy, that's an interpretation of your behaviour.

And…

The problem that I'm noticing is that many women immediately accept this interpretation as truth.

And we hear the label instead of investigating what's underneath that label.

And like I said before, these labels, they make me twitch, honestly, because I hear them so often.

And when I've looked into…

women getting promoted, and the research behind why less women get promoted to leadership than men. The research consistently shows that women are much more likely to receive personality-based feedback than men.

Men are more often given feedback based on business outcomes or specific behaviours.

And this is one of the reasons why I think it feels so personal.

Because it's difficult to improve something that's…

It's not been defined specifically.

So.

here's what I'm recommending, is that instead of making immediate changes, I want you to become curious about the feedback that you're given.

Because curiosity creates clarity, and clarity helps you decide whether that feedback is genuinely useful, or whether you should throw it in the bin.

So, uh, I've got 3 points that I want to share with you today.

To help you with that curiosity, and help you keep these things in mind.

when you're in a situation and you get feedback that hits you where it hurts. So the first point I want to share with you is seek first to understand, and this is one of my favourite principles from Stephen.

Covey, and, um, the 7 Habits of Highly Successful Leaders. So, seek first to understand before being understood.

And this is one of the most powerful approaches you can take after receiving feedback, because too often, we leave the meeting and immediately start.

Editing ourselves, questioning ourselves, and…

And thinking maybe I shouldn't speak up, maybe.

I was too challenging, too direct. Maybe I should hold back in meetings. Maybe I need to soften everything that I say.

But.

The problem with this is that it means that we're reacting before we've understood the real problem.

So…

LIZ liz@boldmovescoach.co.uk

13:08:04

As an alternative, I would suggest that when you're told that you're too bossy, too direct, I want you to pause and take a breath.

And ask yourself.

What exactly does this person mean?

So your goal is not to defend the feedback, it's not to become defensive and say, well, I was trying to be decisive, or…

I was trying to move the conversation on.

Because then we're judged for that, aren't we? So, instead of that, I recommend…

Seek to understand.

That's your goal, because if you don't understand what they're referring to, then you risk changing parts of your leadership that are actually strengths. You could change something that you've been working on for such a long time, and it could actually.

Take you back a step.

So remember that being decisive is not bossy.

It's not a weakness, and having opinions does not make you…

too direct.

Leading confidently is not.

Being too much.

So, don't assume that when you're giving a label that this is a real issue.

First, seek to understand the behaviour behind it before you make a decision, okay?

So point number two then is once you've got that clarity.

then I want you to take it a step further and ask for specific examples. And this is probably the most practical tip that I can give you.

So, ask for those specific examples, uh, like, if someone tells you you're too bossy.

A way that you could respond would be, can you help me to understand what I said or did that came across as bossy?

Or you could say, can you give me an example of a recent situation where someone.

would have described me as being bossy.

So notice that you're not being defensive. You're not being argumentative. You're not being aggressive. You're just being curious and gathering evidence, because without those examples all you've got is someone else's opinion.

But with the examples, you've got data, you've got information.

So, what I've heard in the past when I've done this myself is someone coming back and saying.

I was interrupting people or speaking over someone.

In meetings, so that could be seen as…

Being too challenging or being too.

too bossy, or… um… yeah. So, maybe they say that you've been dismissive and shut conversations down too quickly without listening to everybody's perspective.

Or… it could be about…

your emails or your text messages feel abrupt because people have only got the digital form of your communication. So, with that feedback, then we're talking about behaviour, we're talking about specifics.

And behaviour can be explored and adjusted if you need.

If you decide that it's, like, that's not the type of leader you want to become, then you can adjust it, can't you, and make a change. But with a label, you can't, because labels stick, and that's not what we want, so…

If they say they can't provide examples, then that might tell you something as well, that might give you a bit of a clue, um, about the feedback and what you want to do with it.

Listening if you're listening to this and you're thinking.

You know what, I wish I'd known this before my last appraisal, or…

oh no, why have I kept carrying around that feedback for so long? I don't know what to do with it, then…

this is exactly the type of conversation we can have on a discovery call. If you're interested in that, then we can interpret the feedback objectively and work out what's useful for you, what's subjective.

What you should keep, what, where you could change, and what are the next steps to help you strengthen your leadership communication rather than undermine your confidence. And yes, so the link's in the show notes if you want to book a discovery call. So finally.

And the teaching point number 3 is.

Ask for recommendations of what they'd like to see you do differently.

LIZ liz@boldmovescoach.co.uk

13:13:09

OK. So here's the final question then that you could.

Ask your manager.

What would you like to see me do differently next time?

And this moves the conversation from criticism into coaching, because now you're asking for actionable guidance instead of.

hearing from them, be less direct, that you can't even do anything with that, can you? So instead, I would ask you to stay curious, if that's what they say, just be less direct. That's a negative, what you need is, you need a positive, proactive.

Behaviour. So what you're looking for is for them to say something like.

I would like you to ask one or two questions before presenting your recommendation.

Or, I would like you to…

Open up to the room and ask for input from other members of the team before making a decision.

Or another option might be, they might say something like, before you tell us your decision, could you give us more of an explanation of how you've come to that decision, so that we can see you've been.

Collaborative, rather than dismissive.

So you can see that this evidence can really be powerful, and that's the brilliant thing about feedback. When it's good, and when it's done.

In a productive way, it can really help us to progress quickly into leadership.

So…

Look for the examples, not the label.

Um, I have to share with you as well, another time when a client came to me because she'd been overlooked for promotion more than one occasion, um…

the feedback that she'd got when she said, why did she not get promoted? Why did someone else get promoted above her? She got told that she needed to be…

She need more executive presence, shall we say, because she was too direct and her.

My immediate reaction was.

Well, I need some training around assertiveness then.

But.

When we started looking into it and talking about assertiveness and what that looked like, and we explored the feedback that she'd had, something really interesting happened, was that she realised nobody had actually explained to her what they meant.

Because when I said to her, what does good look like? What does assertive look like? Nobody had actually identified the specific situations where they could describe her as being…

Too bossy or too direct.

So.

She'd accepted that label without questioning it, and once she went back and asked for clarity, the conversation became completely different. She had behaviours that she could…

Work on. And those are the things we worked on in the coaching as well. And over time she made those changes. People could see the changes. She was working more collaboratively in the leadership team.

They were… they could see the value that she was… she was bringing, and next time a promotion opportunity came up, she went for it, and she got that promotion.

Purely because she'd been more curious and asked for examples.

So, this is my hope for you, then, and here's what I'd love you to take away from today's conversation, is the next time…

Hopefully you won't get this feedback, but if you do, or if you have been given feedback, like, you're too bossy, you're too direct, you need more…

presence, then don't immediately jump to changing yourself or.

Um, filter in your…

Communication because you you might just be.

Pushing yourself backwards, making yourself less visible. So instead.

Just be curious, ask what it means, what behaviours is this person referring to, can you give me examples, and what would they like to see instead? Remember, if you get vague labels, just…

rip up the label, throw it in the bin, because that doesn't help. Um, we don't want labels to stick, basically, do we? So, aim for clarity, and just remember, progress over perfection. You don't need to implement every single piece of feedback you receive.

You can filter those out, and you certainly don't need to become a different person overnight when you step into leadership.

LIZ liz@boldmovescoach.co.uk

13:18:09

Your job is to understand the feedback first and decide what aligns for you with the leader that you want to become.

And then you can make intentional changes if they're genuinely helpful.

So.

Don't carry that feedback around with you. Let's work through it together. Remember, you can always book a call with me.

if you need to, and the link's in the show notes, and um… I can help you create the space to interpret that feedback, because I don't want you carrying it around and believing.

It when people tell you that you're bossy because you're not.

Thanks so much for joining me today. If this episode has resonated with you, then I'd love it if you could share it with another woman leader who might need to hear this message as well. And until next time, take care of yourself, keep leading with confidence and.

Remember, progress over perfection. Bye bye