Zero Generation

From Tailor To Therapist: A Zero-Gen Journey Of Pivots, Parenting, And Purpose ft. Gbemi Adekoya

• Damilola Onwah • Season 2 • Episode 2

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0:00 | 35:21

The dream of moving abroad promises freedom and fresh starts, but what about the quiet loneliness after the boxes are unpacked? We sit down with psychotherapist and coach Gbemi Adekoya — former tailor, proud "pivot queen", and zero-gen immigrant — to talk candidly about the fine print of relocation: identity shifts, parenting without a village, and the art of rebuilding a life from scratch.

Gbemi walks us through the moment a simple question — what would you do if money was solved? — turned fashion plans into a counseling vocation. She breaks down her path from community college to behavioral science and clinical work, showing how outcome-first thinking and a strong why make pivots less scary and more strategic. We explore the messy middle: crying over a yellow shirt in a dryer, the ache for extended family, and the realization that you don’t escape problems, you trade one set for another. That lens helps quiet nostalgia and focus on design: forming intentional pods, crafting shared rituals, and letting kids grow up as "cousins" through repeated care.

We also open space for grief and meaning. After losing parents and siblings, Gbemi treats every day beyond a feared age as "extra time", a practice that swaps dread for purpose and joy. The result is a blueprint for immigrants, parents, and career changers: choose a future you can describe, reverse engineer the steps, normalize the lows, and make community on purpose. If you've ever felt both grateful and homesick, ambitious and unsure, this conversation offers language, tools, and a gentler way to keep going.

If the episode resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who’s building a life far from home, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway. Your support helps more zero-gen stories find their people.

Find more of Gbemi's work at gbemisoke.com.

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Theme Music by

  • Akinoluwa Oyedele

Video & Audio Production by

  • JSB Video (Season 2)
  • Adode Media (Season 1)
Damilola Onwah:

When people talk about moving abroad, the focus is on the dream, right? The better life, the opportunities, the freedom. What we don't talk about nearly as much are the things no one warns you about. And it's a little bit because you never know until right in those situations. It's, you know, quiet loneliness that creeps in the excitement has faded. It's grieving starting over. It's identity shifts again and again, and sometimes to realize that you can't even go back home because home has changed too. Today's episode is about all of that. It's about the unspoken fine print of relocation. Don't worry, it's not a moody therapy session. It's more like nobody warned me, but I've received now. My guest is Gbemi Adekoya. She's a psychotherapist, a coach, a parent, immigrant who has helped countless people navigate the emotional roller coaster of living abroad, and she's that road herself. So she has a lot to share. We're talking about loneliness, about healing, about about pivots. She calls herself the pivot queen. And we talk about the surprising wisdom that comes the storm. So we'll start where we always do. What's your zero gen flex? Gbemi, what's your zero gen flex?

Gbemi Adekoya:

My zero gen flex is becoming a therapist. Like thinking about it, wanting to do it, and actually it. I sort of kind of feel like it's evidence that you can the trajectory of your life and rewrite your story. So yes.

Damilola Onwah:

I love that. So what you're talking about rewriting. I'm the therapist. It's you. I love it. I love it. So I mean, there's so much in what you just said, but talk about becoming a therapist. Because I know it's inextricably tied to your journey of being here in the US. So if you could talk about sort of real quick, like what you were before, and even like what triggered that and then how you became um what you are now, the

Gbemi Adekoya:

All right. I I used to be a tailor back in Nigeria. That was what I did from after graduating university, that was like my full-time job before we moved here. And so naturally I thought that was what I was going to continue to do. And um we moved here. I had another baby, I had two more babies, and decided, look, it's time to go back to school. Because if there's one thing that my mom taught me, that whatever your choice of career, whatever your of profession, get the best education that's possible you can be the best at it. So I did a little bit of research and said, okay, fashion, giving what I like and what I enjoy, fashion So I enrolled in community college and I was going to an associate's degree in fashion merchandising. And then one day I was praying. And the question just dropped in my spirit. If you won the lottery and money was not an issue, will you be doing professionally? And the answer was not fashion. I was like, no, I wouldn't be a fashion designer or a I would be helping people because I like talking to helping them find solutions to what's going on, being listening ear, sharing burdens. Then I googled how to become a counselor in America. And the Was this all in that one prayer session? That's kind of like how my prayers are very I say, hey, God, this is us again. No, how far? What are we doing? That's kind of like the vibe that God and I have. Like, like this daddy. I think of God a lot, like the way I think about my father before he passed away. So that's what prayer is kind of like conversational. We're Googling, we're researching, we're writing things down, we're journaling, we're coming back, we're we're like challenging things and making it So that's kind of like what prayer is like for me And so, uh, what's the profession? Counseling. How do you become a counselor in America? You need a master's degree in clinical mental health How do you uh qualify for a master's degree? You need a bachelor's in psychology, which I later found out that I didn't need, but that was the information I at the time. So, but I was like, I already registered for fashion in college. Turns out I could change my major. And so I changed my major. The uh associate's degree that would get me to a degree in psychology was human services. So I did my associates in human services.

Damilola Onwah:

At this point, you probably already had a bachelor's in Nigeria.

Gbemi Adekoya:

At that time, I had my OND in insurance and a bachelor's in business administration, right? Right. That I had graduated like 10 or so years prior. Right. And then I moved to America and I basically started from scratch. So I went to community college as in starting out a year one student, and I did it all the way to getting a whole different bachelor's. So I got the associate's and the bachelor's science. Because when I got into the four-year college, I that I didn't want to study psychology. And so I changed my major to social work, realized that I didn't want to be a social worker, and then found out about behavioral science, changed the trajectory of introduced me to a whole new world of behavior I got my mind now in applied behavior analysis, became certified in applied behavior analysis, boom, whole new journey.

Damilola Onwah:

I'm curious about two things. Um, when you're realizing and you're making those like what exactly triggered those realizations and you know changes of mind? And two, how long did this entire journey take?

Gbemi Adekoya:

What triggered it is what continues to trigger the even up until now, and it is why. Because every time I'll be like, okay, why am I here? Why am I doing what I'm doing? And the why will be if it's not matching or if it's not aligning, I'm not um ashamed or too hesitant to switch lanes. Because you can pivot. I'm the pivot queen. Like fashion designing, tailoring, behavioral mental health um counseling. Maybe tomorrow I'll decide that I want to do something and boom.

Damilola Onwah:

I love how you called yourself the pivot queen. Maybe that's why we're going to name this episode. Because I do feel like a bit of a pivot queen myself, I feel like I see it's like hinges that are connected one another and kind of keep opening new doors that I may not have thought existed. Um, so I mean, like you said, it's it's the pivot queen, it's not a it's I feel like you might have said that a way that was like, yeah, maybe it's not so bad. But I think it's great. One thing, um, especially because the audience of podcast is people who are making a new home abroad. A lot of people have to make a decision on, am I going to pivot? Am I going to, you know, I came in and I was a, I was Insurance. Right. Am I going to go and be in psychology? Some people may see it as a as a negative thing, some may see it as an opportunity. Like, how should, like, how did you, how did you Was it like exciting? Was it like, oh my God, now I'm I'm having to change my mind again, you know?

Gbemi Adekoya:

I'm a very outcome-focused person in the way I And what I mean by outcome focused is that I very often and almost always think, where am I going with this? And then I reverse engineer. So the part of what came out of that uh question prayer session was what kind of life do I want to in? And where do I see myself? Right. And so not just helping people, but I wanted to, I to work in a field where money wasn't the primary because I just almost always knew that I'll have a lot of money. Like, because if I'm solving problems, if I'm a solution provider, and whatever I've done, I've gotten at it, I will be able to earn. So, yes, money, not to say money is your name is which which literally means God has elevated me into into wealth. So, not to say again that money is in isn't important if there's anything America teaches you is that you have to make money because the bills are, you know, on ending. However, if you think about the future that you want, so I was thinking about the future that I wanted, and I to be able to, I wanted to have the training that me to help people regardless of you know where I was, So, what's the future that I'm thinking about that I And look, I can't thank God enough. I am quite literally living in that future that I was with God some 14, 13 years ago, right? What's the end goal? What's the outcome? Reverse engineer what are the steps that I need to uh get there so that when it gets hard on the way, and it will get hard, you're constantly reminded about your why. So, yes, pivot because if you don't like your I'm a firm believer, I'm a very firm believer in the of humans to change their lives, you can change your you can quite literally decide that I don't like are going, but I want something else.

Damilola Onwah:

So when you think back to when you first moved and how you navigated all your career moves, right? What are those times when you were like nobody wanted me or who sent me message? What are some of those points?

Gbemi Adekoya:

I think parenting will have to be the the the the one, like the logistics of parenting children for living in Nigeria, there's a lot of help available, so so that you take it for granted. There's family, there's paid um labor. Because labor is cheap. Exactly. So it wasn't something that I actively thought And then moving here and having three small children and feeling incredibly lonely and alone. It was that that part, you know, was was really hard, because there was no way to have been prepared, you know, for it. So that that that was was was a big who sent me. Like I I can remember one time my oldest was in, I think, kindergarten at the time, and the school had said wear a yellow shirt. And then I got up that day and I was looking for a I knew we had a yellow shirt. And I was looking and I started to cry because I didn't have any help. I eventually found it in the dryer because I did manage to do the laundry and dry everything, but I did not empty the dryer. So I turned the whole apartment, you know, upside down for a yellow shirt. We were running late. And then I remember just bringing everything out of the dryer and then finding the yellow shirt and shaking And I just started to cry because when I had this baby in Nigeria, because I had my oldest in Nigeria, we still in Nigeria at the time, I had a maid and a nanny, and standing rule in my house was that you don't put a shirt or any item of clothing on my baby without ironing And then here I was a few years later, shaking something from the dryer and putting it on him. And I just thought to myself, who's who sent?

Damilola Onwah:

Yeah, like I've fallen from like it was it was it How did you and I I can just imagine? I have my own, you know, story of crying alone in my when I was in grad school, like my first maybe couple months, and I was like, I don't have friends, I don't how good to like recover a social life. And then, you know, a week later, I was at dinner in house and I was like, okay, you know, I think it's be okay. How did you, or like what was the moment where you were like, all right, I think I'm going to be fine? Especially, I think it's important to like really call out that that's a big you've you've already lived a standard of living, and you've you've um you think you know you've given your children this idea of what life is like, and now you're falling from grace, you know, judging yourself. And I know there's so much internal judgment that you know, and even parents in general put them So, how did you work yourself out of that? Even maybe not in that situation, but just in general, and start to feel a sense of all right, it's gonna be

Gbemi Adekoya:

I think that the answer to this, if I'm going to be is that from time to time I still ask myself now, like, what am I doing? Do I even know what I'm doing? Especially again as it comes to parenting. Because now that all my children are teenagers, it's a set of problems that we have, or should I say challenges, or like I like to myself, opportunities for growth we have. And so I still find myself asking who sent me, right? And so what I like to think of is that between the like the times where you're unsure, the times when you're confused, the times when you're second-guessing your to approach yourself from what's familiar to a whole new country, is that there will be highs and there will and there's no very specific end date to the lows, such that it will now then be highs going forward. It's it ebbs and it flows. So when you're down, I guess you have to rely on the of the times when it got better to say it will get better again and we won't always be here. So, for example, potty training was really hard. I can barely remember now, but we're doing a whole level of training now, and then I imagine that in the decade it will be a whole different set of um things we're working through, opportunities for growth.

Damilola Onwah:

Right. Because your kids are all teenagers now. Yes, it is in fact very it's amazing, very amazing. Because I've I've also followed your journey like you know social media and seen them since they were born. I think even your last like up until now, I'm growing and timing, and you're doing amazing.

Gbemi Adekoya:

Um I mean I'm grateful that y'all get to see the and not the really messy and um ugly parts of which I guarantee you that they are I'm sure they are if I may.

Damilola Onwah:

I always wonder about that because I you know, and I I've even said in a couple of episodes how like okay, like I'm at the age where a lot of my friends are having toddlers and thinking about becoming parents, and like, it's a whole new, it's a whole ball game. Like this child is talking to an American accent. First of all, first of all, like calm down, let me hear, let me even understand what you are saying oh, mom, mom, mom, mom. You know, I feel I I think about it often and I kind of I look at people like you who are who are doing it, done it and continue to do it, and I'm like, there's a path, there's a path for for this to to work out. And like you said, you know, a lot of times we don't the the behind the scenes.

Gbemi Adekoya:

Oh, yeah, there's a lot to behind behind the scenes not uh pretty. And I'm not as somebody who's heavily divested from perhaps because of the field that I work in, I'm quick to normalize the experience for people when having a hard time or when they're struggling, that we tend to think it's happening to only us. Please know that you know you're not the only one, and not always, it's not always pretty.

Damilola Onwah:

So we have an audience question for our Dear Zero Um, and it ties a little bit into what we've just about, funny enough. So this person says, Dear Zero Gen, I'm writing from a tender place today. I've been living abroad for about 12 years now, and my work and life here are stable, I can't shake this of loss that lingers. I often find myself thinking about home, about the kind of close-knit community and family gatherings we with as children. Now, as a parent myself, it aches to see my kids up without that same bond with their cousins, without the warmth and chaos of extended family around them. Some days it feels heavier than others. I miss the laughter, the spontaneous visits, and the of belonging that was just embedded into everyday My friends are scattered, my family is far, and still slowly building community here, it still smaller, more fragile somehow. Does this ever get easier? How do others in my shoes cope with this sense of and the gap between where we are and you know where we want to be and the things that we miss? I'd love to hear how people make peace with being so far from the roots and the practices that shape them.

Gbemi Adekoya:

I I hear the longing and the desire for what's normal or what feels like normal in that question. And I have to say thank you for asking what's on the of a lot of people that we often feel like we can't ask because being able to move abroad and thrive is a in and of itself. And so it's almost like you're complaining. Okay, come back home. But being privileged does not magically erase the or the longing for what was or what could have uh been. So thank you for putting a voice to what uh a lot of already think about. I'll share a quick story that might help answer that. Um uh not a couple years ago, more than 10 years ago, I remember my children younger. I was on the phone with my sister-in-law and she was about how a maid had ruined her new blender that she had just bought, right? And then I said to her, You're complaining about a maid ruining your blender. I would love to have a maid. And she said something, and I have never it has helped me at times where I will find myself home or longing for something at home. She said, You have exchanged one set of problems, baby, for another. So while I'm worried about my staff, my domestic staff my belongings, you don't have that specific problem I have. So remember that if you lived in Nigeria, you will America's problems for Nigeria. And if you lived in America, you will exchange. So that kind of helps shape my thinking when I wanted to complain about something, to acknowledge that this is specific to my situation, right? And so, not to say that I can't acknowledge the problem because other people don't have the exact same one, it is that wherever you leave, you're going. To exchange one set of concerns for another. So, as nostalgic as living at home can be, you have a very specific set of problems for another set. So it just helps to think about how do I then navigate version without allowing the rose-colored glasses of prevent you from working through them because it's giving, well, if I lived in Nigeria, I wouldn't have problem. Girl, as a parenting expert, let me tell you that we think, oh, if I was raising my children in Nigeria, won't have this parenting problem. See, the parenting problems that people in Nigeria are through, it's a whole different set and version. So you may not, they may not have to worry about having a whole community of cousins and uncles and aunties, but they have a version that's different from yours. So perhaps if we didn't allow the nostalgia or what have been or what should have been keep us from the versions of victory that living here provide, we then proactively think about, oh, I miss community. What are the ways where I can build community here

Damilola Onwah:

Yeah. What I what I really love about that answer, I think I was feeling that's not very comforting. That's not very comforting, but I think it's real. And the comfort is that that you you then see whatever challenges you're having as a as a dual thing, where the privilege and the dark side of it. And then in terms of what you can do, as you were talking as well, I thought about how, you know, there's this I have a friend who has this group of girlfriends who I think are the ideal. So they all live, most of them live in Chicago, except my one friend who's here, who's also part of my like But they have a pod and they all happen to be in the age group. They have kids sort of in the same age group, and all growing together. They travel together. If it's someone's birthday, they just went to Vegas and you know, when they have things at each other, each other's homes, all the kids come. So all the kids are growing up as cousins, and all the kids are getting that sense of like what it means to Nigerian as well as American, what it is to have aunties and uncles. And even here in Seattle, I have like we call COG children of God. Nice. Um, but like I think being intentional about okay, now I don't have a pre-built-in, you know, my my my are on the East Coast. I would love to be closer to them, but I'm not right How do I make that community here with people that I who also are looking for that kind of thing? How do we become that for one another? It's a it takes a lot of intention, as I've seen from like friend of mine with this part of girls, but it's so it's beautiful. Right.

Gbemi Adekoya:

So you are talking about redirecting the energy of, oh, I don't have this, which is valid. Yeah, right. And at the risk of dismissing it, is can we shift or consider that the side effect or unintended of wanting opportunity, which is often what um the move drives the move? Yeah, the side effect is okay, now how do I deal with So, because it will also be an assumption that we should challenge that everyone who lives in Nigeria has Is that the case, really? That everyone who lives in Nigeria has that community people that they love and they know that they can trust, or was that something that somebody built intentionally that you enjoyed and then now just presume that everyone has? And does that mean if you're zero gen, because more if a zero gen, you're carrying a lot. It's called zero gen for a reason. I call zero gen, you're starting from exactly the So now, in fact, let's look for a highlight. This gives you the opportunity to write a new story the new code of conduct, absolutely, or what with of engagement, absolutely, and then intentionally the type of community that you want to build, perhaps even. Because I remember back when COVID happened, my had turned 10. And prior to the lockdown, we had been planning that going to have this big celebration, but there were no in Nigeria and there were no parties or anything, so we had to have a Zoom celebration for her, and we realized that we had all the people we knew and loved in that because of the restrictions. The restrictions forced us. So, going forward, we started to involve the people that we knew and loved in our celebrations. The 10th birthday of her brother a couple years before, we didn't include anyone who wasn't in our exactly. And so, point New circumstances force us to think We can acknowledge and validate the feeling of longing then say, what can I do with what I've got now? Knowing that nostalgia makes us think that good back then. Was it really was it really?

Damilola Onwah:

Because if it was, would we have moved? Right. So what um a little, what has brought you the most joy in this journey of you know, parenting? It could be, you know, parenting a career or you being a wife, or just being a person in America. What is one or two things that have brought you on that you just did not expect and you know brought you joy?

Gbemi Adekoya:

As somebody will insist that my identity is not just a mom, parenting my children and watching them grow into these amazing humors. You know, sometimes I look, you know, I I was still my daughter yesterday, like I asked God to give and he gave me you, but like I don't think you realize amazing you are. And she smiled and she was like, I know, mommy, I know. I said, I don't think you know that you know the the to uh uh to shape and and grow like uh lives, it it has really been such a great experience because as as I am, I don't think that I would have been so if I continued to live in Nigeria like I did. Being in this country where I did not have as much support forced me to be like involved in exactly so because, for example, I'm a very energy efficient person. People who people can use other terms like lazy, but I'm energy efficient. I love it. I'm energy efficient too. Thank you. That's critically important, right? So, as an energy efficient person, if I lived with to direct labor, I will take it. So, for example, I would have a nanny. I would have, in fact, I have this whole place I to in my head sometimes when I miss home, where I the elaborate life I would have lived if I lived in That's hilarious. I can describe it to you with great detail. I love it because I will have a governess who will also be our secretary of education. Like she will be bilingual and she will have a degree in childhood education. Fantastic. Right? And she will supervise everybody's academic work have to do any of that. And then every week at our meeting, she will provide a of areas of for growth and how everybody's doing. So child A's chemistry, child B's SATs, you know, of thing. So that will be our secretary of education, and each will have a tutor, right? And then we will have instructors for tennis, for you know, right? Where would I be? I will be on a plane to a vacation, traveling somewhere, but have a whole system running because I can pay, people to sort all of that for me. But when I wake up, however, and I come back home, then I say, excuse me, madam, 10th grader that has just started taking chemistry. How is that going? Because I don't know any chemistry, right? And so having to be involved in my children's lives to point where I know what's going on with them and their who's falling in love, who's falling out of love, and that kind of thing, I think that that's one of the highs of you know my experience living in chemistry.

Damilola Onwah:

Especially because you said initially that you you were adamant about not defining yourself as just a parent. That's so important. And so like came out the corner, and and it's the thing that gives you the most unexpected. Right.

Gbemi Adekoya:

It's it's my most important job, the one that takes most of my time and my effort. I don't think anything drives me to my knees as you know, parenting does and has. It is quite the job.

Damilola Onwah:

As we start to wrap up, I want to circle back to you mentioned earlier, right? How you said, like in this era of your life, you are in extra time. What does that mean?

Gbemi Adekoya:

I have suffered um significant uh loss of people who I and that has forced me to be, it has forced me, and I forced intentionally because I didn't choose to be like very intentional about like life and joy, but I've both my parents, I've lost two older siblings, and a lot of like so when I think about how I'm still here, so context, right? My mom died a few weeks shy of her 44th birthday, and my um older sister she passed away 20-something years she was in her 20s, and then just a couple years ago, my older sister, who was only like 13 or 14 months older than you, were close kick as thieves, she passed away as well. A couple months shy of her 44th birthday, as well. I want you to begin to imagine what getting to 44 felt for me. That none of the women in my family of origin, in my family, got to 44. I was petrified, if I may. It just felt like maybe there's just something about I was like, maybe that's my life feels so amazing it's supposed to be short and sweet and sharp. But then I thought about I I wouldn't want my children, you know, to experience that. But then my older sister has two daughters who are my now. They experienced it and they're thriving, so I didn't it was impossible, but I knew I wanted to still be here because I feel like God has given me so much and He me to, you know, give back you know, out of all of that. And so I couldn't even bring myself to pray, dear God, let me die. Because I had prayed that prayer multiple times, and the people that I loved still died. So I don't think that the biggest miracle is a person not dying, right? I feel like death is what it is, like transitioning to and that's what you have to. That's like a rite of passage, and then it's left for of us who are here to cope with that. So I then um had one of the many conversations I have where I said, okay, you know what? If I don't make it to 44, it will be because that's your plan, right? If, however, I do make it, I'm going to treat that as extra time, right? So, like I said prior, every time now when I wake like, ah, I'm still here. Okay, God, it's like you have a plan or something that want me to do. All right, let's get to it. And part of that plan has to be enjoyment because my name. What's your middle name? My middle name is Mobaduola. Are you serious? My grandfather, yeah, my dad's dad named me that. And it's translated to enjoy. So that's why I'm the queen of enjoyment. So I say, okay, we made it here. New day. What are we enjoying today? So it gives me, so rather than dread or fear about which I no longer have. I'm happy to hear that. You know, it gives me like some kind of enthusiasm and a reason, right? So that's why my why is very important to me. Impact is important to me. I like to think that after somebody comes in contact with me, they have improved outcomes. Like after I meet somebody, they're smiling. After I meet somebody, the issue that they had them to therapy has now been resolved or at the very alleviated, right? So that's kind of like how I live. And I think it's such a beautiful way because I have a sense of freedom from like fear and like trepidation. Because Omar, if today is the last day, it would have such an amazing ride. Sorry to all the people who now have to cope with the I too had to cope with the loss of the people who away previously, and we're all gonna be okay. Because at the end of the day, this life that we are on to so much, is it not just like the journey? Is eternity not our, you know, final destination?

Damilola Onwah:

That is such a fantastic note to end on. Baby, I'm so glad that you came on the Zero Gen and that you walked us through your multiple pivots, life as a parent, through um your philosophy on extra that is so beautiful, so poignant, so real. I think even I can borrow a little from that feeling of extra time for reasons that are a whole episode, a separate episode. But thank you so much for coming. I hope you've enjoyed that conversation.

Gbemi Adekoya:

I'm glad that you've invited me. And I know I told you before, but I need to say it again for the camera. I think it is great that you are a doer, that you have idea and you're actioning it. It's it's fantastic. And thank you for having me.

Damilola Onwah:

Thank you for being here. That's all, everyone. See you next time. Bye.