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Controlling the right things when it comes to birth and planning for the unplannable:
Links to all the extra good stuff:
Click to check out the Beautiful One Membership experience! NOW OPEN!
Shop the Medical Self Advocacy: HERE
Join our email community + get instant access to our awesome Sleep Freebie: HERE
Browse all our favorite women’s supplement recommendations: HERE
Submit your answer-on-the-show questions: HERE
Subscribe to the podcast to catch every episode. Follow us on Instagram for all the extra education and antics in between episodes at @beautifulonemidwifery
You're at home with Kelly and Tiffany. My name is Kelly Pappas, and I am Tiffany Al blinker. That's us. And we are going to talk about resiliency in birth today. I love this topic because I mean, planning for birth. Researching hoping, praying, desiring making decisions based on those, that vision that you're preparing for birth, all of that matters so much, but when it comes down to it, we don't know the story. Right. We don't know how it's going to play out and. That word resiliency is just a great one to describe what we as women need, as we walk into giving birth. Yeah. There's things that we have control over that we need to take responsibility for. And there's things that we need to let go of and surrender and go with the flow. And knowing, which is what thing is almost impossible. Unless you adapt this flexible mindset around birth. And sometimes I see women trying to do this and what it turns into is just either trying to control everything or letting go of so much that they're actually not taking responsibility for their experience. And so there is a way to walk the line in the middle and we want to share some of that concept with you ladies today. Yes for sure. So we're excited to kind of dive into a handful of things, but we are going to start with something that we haven't done in a while. And I'm a little I'm interested to see my own emotional reaction because every single time. I have cried. All right. So my goal is to get Kelly to cry. We're going to share a birth story every single Monday without fail, except for maybe once or twice. And you guys are sure to let us know about when we do fail, we share a birth story that on our Instagram, that we write ourselves from the perspective of witnessing birth in the space that we do at home. And it's really fun because. We get to see a radical. Beautiful hard. And good thing happen in every single birth. And it is so other to most people they're not used to hearing about and seeing birth from that space. But we have a unique position because most birth stories are told by. The women who experienced that themselves and we see it in a different light. And so we get to share it from a place of really respecting and loving and honoring. Birth from a midwifery perspective. So we just love, we just love sharing stories there. So if you. If you like this, you can find more of it on Instagram. But preparing for the concept of resiliency. I thought of a story that we shared a couple months ago, and I just wanted to read it. I'm here today. This is how it goes. Why is this so hard? She looked around the room, locking eyes with each of the nine people in the room around her. I think I'm calling it. She cried as she came down from her last contraction and exhausted woman feeling at the end of her rope. After two days of laboring. Her husband laying next to her on their bed. After two nights of little sleep. Was rubbing her legs slowly as he fought to keep his own eyes open. Her sister's friends and mother all looked on unsure of how to respond. A moment to regroup may feel nice. I said from the corner of the room standing up, I encourage the other women to clear out. Looking at her and her husband. I said, I want you to, to just enjoy a moment together, alone. In the dark and quiet. He looked like he won the lottery. She looks confused. Will that help? I think you two need some time and some privacy. And she gladly obliged. I stepped out of the room, sinking into their living room couch. An hour later, I snuck back into their room as it was time to listen to their baby's heart rate again. And I found her with five pillows between her legs laying on her side asleep. Soon. She woke to a contraction. She gasped as the intensity grabbed her and made a scrunched determined face that I have seen many times before. As the contraction lessened, she took a sip of water, wiped her forehead and closed her eyes again. How has that one? I quietly asked her in hopes of clarifying what I just saw. Oh, we needed this. They're easier now, just a lot of pushy pressure, but I'm not actually pushing, obviously there's a while to go before that. On this next one. I want you to put your hands down and just feel what's happening with all of that pressure. Okay. As the next search mounted a few minutes later, her eyes got wide. It's so hard in there. Is that the baby? Am I going to have a baby? Her husband with epic bedhead rolled over with his wide eyes. You're doing it. Within 30 minutes, their daughter was brought up to her chest and let out a loud cry to announce her arrival. This new family of three emerged from love in the quiet spaces, leaned in each other with their daughter on her chest. Thank you. She kissed his hand for being with me. Yep. Did you do it? Oh, my gosh. You're such a SAP. I think it's the way that you read it. Cause it's like. You bring some emotion to it. It's very sweet. Just remember that birth while I'm reading it. And I'm like, Aw, man. That was a hard one where. Where are you? You know, like yeah. That resiliency piece where you're like, yes, the. Yes, she did all the things that she could, but there were. There were hours and hours there where we were all kind of uncertain of what was going to happen. Yeah. I mean, because. Even we have very limited control over how we can influence a particular labor unfolding. Yeah, exactly. And so there's just a lot of wondering sometimes how's this going to end? And you just try not to say out loud to them. I don't know what's happening. Who knows how this is going to end. That's the excitement part. Yeah. This has taken a really long time. Isn't it? And they will say we've had births with. Plenty of people in the room, but. Almost without fail when labor is hard and long, and there are many people in the room. Clearing it out and making it quiet and going back to the foundation. Is. Always helpful. Yeah. Every once in a while we have a mom who wants a lot of people at her labor and that's exciting for us because that means all of those people get to be exposed to a really normal life family event. But sometimes you just need more privacy than that. And so we always let everybody know. Yes. As long as everything's going, well, we want a birth party. That's fun. It's great. It's encouraging. But if you have to kick people out, if we have to kick people out, if we need to decide together that we just need a break from all of the watching and hanging out in presence, that is a. That's a caveat that always needs to be included. Yes. So it's a similar idea, right? Best laid plans. We can. You can plan all of the things, but we don't quite know exactly how things will shake out when it comes to birth. One of the ways to cultivate resiliency and being able to prepare for things that are just potentially, unplannable having some preparation in mind for that. Is having tools for medical self-advocacy and we have an entire section of our holistic fertility bundle already sectioned out for medical self-advocacy because just seemed like the perfect time when people are thinking for, and preparing for pregnancy to really lean in and be exposed to that. But we decided to take that piece out and also make it available separately. So that. That you can have this little seven page quick reference for exercising your rights in a medical care setting, where you can gain knowledge and tools and a better understanding of how to. Essentially put some of these resiliency pieces in action. Yeah, it's I mean, there are many years, even in childbearing years that I wish I had a little bit more of a, of an understanding of this. And obviously it relates to any other space in your life beyond just having a baby. Right. Certainly. And so it's it's a majorly helpful resource just to have in your back pocket, for sure. Especially if you've never been exposed to this idea. So within it, we're talking about things about like, what is true informed consent, what is informed to decision making, how to make sure you're given all the information to actually make. And informed decision, right. And not just being informed to consent to something right. There are tools for medical self-advocacy in there. How to ask the right questions, how to recognize some provider red flags. Some coercion issues, some manipulation tactics that you may see and how to kind of like, recognize that and call that for actually what that is. Right. The brain acronym, we've spoken about it before on other episodes, we've talked a lot about it on social media, but it is like this helpful memory device for getting informed consent on the spot. So we will walk you through if you're in the moment and you need to make a decision, what are the steps to walk through thoughtfully intentionally to actually make that decision? Well, we will put in there an example of patients' rights so that you actually know what standard medical staff is actually held to, which is so important. Most people are pretty unaware of that. And some sample scripts for informed refusal to sometimes it's hard to say no. Sometimes it's awkward. Sometimes that power differential. Is made to feel like maybe you shouldn't right. And so if you want to say no in an informed way we provide you some tools and a grid to how to clearly say no, without needing to actually explain or even defend your decision if you don't want to. So you can use these things as just full sentences. And the full stop and I'm there for somebody like me, who I like thrive on that stuff with like in a bit of a contentious situation. If I have something in my back pocket, I can just be like, okay. These are my tools and I, and I like that kind of support. So this entire medical self-advocacy thing, whatever we're going to call it, guide. Just handbook, handbook guide. Ebook. Yup. We don't know. It's all about medical self-advocacy and it is there and it is in the shop right now for only$4. So. You can either go to start actually, probably can't get much at Starbucks for four bucks anyway these days, so just hop into the shop. But we made it as affordable as possible because we want to get this in everybody's hands. This is going to change the way that you interact in all of the medical care spaces. If you. Lean into this idea. Yes. And it's, it's so pivotal. And foundational to any type of care setting that. That's why we made it the cheapest thing in our shop. And we're going to keep it at that price because we just want women to have these tools. I like it. Alright. Resiliency definition. What does resiliency actually mean? The dish. The definition in the dictionary says the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties or a synonym toughness. The ability of a substance or an object to spring, back into shape. Or another synonym flexibility. Mm, I like that. And I like how, if you think about it in terms of birth, like basically that resiliency idea in birthing means that you have a realistic idea of how labor and birth can unfold and it can change you and, you know, right. You're going into it being like, this is probably going to be one of the most challenging things I've ever done. But I trust that it's completely doable, right? You're like you have that sense. That birth is going to take this. You know, you, you're going to want the support. It's going to take an incredible amount of it. And it's going to take an incredible amount of strength to, and all of those pieces that you're putting together there. It's also going to teach you how to. Like, you know, you're going to have the toughness, but you also have to be soft. Right. You also have to surrender. You also have to let go. So, like we were saying, there's just this. There's there are these two hands that you're holding this dichotomy of an experience of your responsibility. To be both well-equipped to make decisions, but to simultaneously be in a posture of surrender to the process, it is you can hold those two things. At the same time and learning to sit in that. Tension. Is going to serve you well, as you prepare for birth, as you go through birth and for sure throughout motherhood, because that is a dichotomy of an experience a lot of times as well. Yeah. I mean, there is just absolutely nothing like the transformational power of birth and recognizing that and anticipating it and seeing how that is good for you. And imagining yourself on the other side of that transformation is going to help you. Be equipped for this specific type of flexibility. It's it's honestly, one of my favorite parts of what we get to witness is that shift, right? Is that It just, is that transformation that happens. Because most people, no matter, no matter how you prepare for it, no matter how many children you have, whatever, there's something big that happens. And how do you respond to that? And how does it change you? How does it shape you? Are you springing back into the old shape or into this like new. Space and most women are moving forward right in this new self and this new family, all of the things, it's an opportunity. And so viewing it as an opportunity is going to allow you to take advantage of. Of what that is, instead of feeling like a birth happened to you. Which is a really common experience for women too. After the fact be processing it. Like I had absolutely no idea. That that dichotomy exists. And I don't even know how to put words or, or process to it because I am not used to thinking about it from that. Frame of mind. So there's four ways that we teach our own clients how to have flexibility in birth. And the very first one is just to know normal, physiological birth. Women should be studying birth in a way that leaves them incredibly familiar with the normal physiological process. And if you were giving birth in a hospital setting, you having this information is going to make you 10 times smarter than any person who can take care of you in that setting. Because those are not the experts on normal physiological birth. We want you to be the expert on normal physiological birth. You do not have to learn or understand all the things that can go wrong in order to respond well to something that you were not expecting to happen to. You. So a lot of times birth preparation gets. A specific emphasis on the birth plan and all of the interventions that you're going to come in contact with and how to respond to those. And what if, if, if plan a doesn't go, well, how are we going to respond with, you know, plan B. And there's definitely pieces of that that are important elements of being prepared and knowing what you're walking into in the specific setting that you're choosing for birth. But you do not have to be the expert on it. You need to be the expert on normal physiological birth. There are plenty. Plenty of variations that can occur in a normal birth. But the general idea is that you trust birth will equip you to make decisions that typically reduce the outcomes that you are avoiding. I'm going to say that again. The general idea is that. You trust birth will equip you to make decisions that typically reduce the risks of outcomes you are avoiding. So as you make your outcome plan for the type of birth that you were hoping to have. That you realize that going through that particular experience, you are going to come in contact with the things that are going to either steer you in the direction towards your goal, or steer you away from your goal and having a really good grasp of those particular pieces. You do not want to find yourself on either extreme of being just blissfully unaware of the birth process or expecting everything to. Go wrong. Yeah. And you can live in the middle there recognizing yes, things can shift one way, but you are going to be somebody who is blissfully oh. Aware, right. Of birth and physiological birth in particular. And the more you learn about it. The more, it will blow your mind and the more you will be attracted to the idea of physiological birth, because it is each of those perfectly designed pieces is just really mindblowing. You kind of mentioned this idea of birth plans, and I wanted to talk about it. A little bit just as somebody who I used to teach birth education classes. And the idea of creating a birth plan always got sort of a bad rap because right. People would bring it. There's kind of a joke, right? You bring into a hospital. It doesn't really get taken seriously by certain providers. And. All of that. And so, but there there's sweetness in understanding, like you're saying, knowing normal. So recognizing here's how I want things to go, because I want to lean into this physiological process. And while birth plans aren't necessarily like a bad thing in and of themselves, they're kind of limited in providing the type of experience you want overall. So creating a plan that kind of tends to express your desire to. Unfold, all of this in a very particular way. And sometimes that can create some rigidity. So it's very helpful to research all of the things, right. That's that's I think the best part of creating some kind of plan or preferences is that you've researched the things, you know, normal in what you want. But a birth of vision, which we spoken about in previous episodes and actual birth vision sort of encapsulates the desired feelings, right? It's like this umbrella piece, that spirit of the birth that you would, that you're desiring to have that can stay intact. Even when the birth plan. Can't really be kept perfectly, right. Even when things kind of shift off one direction where you weren't necessarily planning it to go, you can still within that birth of vision. Hold that as well. So you can, as you're preparing for all of these things and visualizing your birth, creating a birth vision, researching things about understanding normal and potentially putting together a plan or preferences, you can identify the areas yourself, where you feel really rigid. And you're like, this is the one thing I'm holding onto, right? This is, this is the one thing that's gonna make my birth. Great. And strategize how your overarching vision. Can actually remain the same. If your plans do need to change. So you can be really want something, but we can also hold that thing that is important to you with an open Palm and look, take, take a higher view, right. And see that umbrella piece of. Okay, well, yes, I want this. I'm putting things into place. To create that experience. So that, that thing that I really want. Has the best chance of happening, but if it doesn't. What other pieces are in place and how can I keep that? The general vision of how I desire my birth to look and feel and how I want to be treated all of those pieces, how to, how to keep that part intact. Yeah, because we should be expecting challenge of some kind to happen, even in the labors that Kelly and I are a part of that are quick and straightforward and uncomplicated. And the mom comes out the other side and is like, wow, that was incredible. Every single woman will say. Oh, there was this one piece that I actually wasn't expecting this one mental piece, this one physical piece, this one circumstantial piece that I wasn't expecting. There is a challenge inside of every single labor and expecting that anticipating that allows you to prepare in a meaningful way. It is impossible. Absolutely impossible to predict how your birth will go. Something is sure to surprise you. So just mentally wrap your head around that as you're planning for the unplannable, you don't want to waste any mental energy, trying to anticipate exactly what can go wrong, because that will spiral you into a control and fear space. And we that's the opposite of what we want to do is work trusting in birth, learning birth. We want to you. Instead focus on how will you respond? To the feeling of the challenge. Whatever it is that comes across your path in your labor immediately. You were going to think this is harder, more difficult. Different. Than what I was expecting, expect to have that thought in that feeling, how are you going to respond to that? Start to get used to the idea that you are going to learn and grow through your birth. Something will come up that surprises you, that will challenge you. And you are anticipating that with, this is how I would like to respond to that particular challenge. Tell yourself that you might not know exactly what is going to happen, but you have the tools to cope with it. Yeah. I mean, I think that's such a huge aspect of understanding what you control and what you don't. Control right. And leaning into the idea that like, yeah, this is, this is going to be hard, but I also I, and I, and you know, things may happen that I'm not anticipating, but I still do have pieces of control that I can exert even before the birth itself happens. Right. So there's, there's pretty obvious or like concrete ways to set yourself up ahead of time for the best experience possible. Right. There's we've talked. About a lot of those things. So you do not want to be. One of the millions. I mean, we see this a ton on social media, for sure, but in our office as well, you know, traumatized families who are coming in, you do not want to be one of the millions of women. Who are working through birth trauma. That could have been avoided. By heating some wisdom in pregnancy. Right. Not every woman hears this information. Not every woman wants to hear this information. And I think it's just important to recognize if you are listening to this, you are somebody who cares most likely about your birth and the desired outcomes that you have. And so you a reminder right. Of what you are in control of you're in control. Have a lot of things that are foundational to many of the outcomes that happen. So the environment you choose to birth in, and we are not saying here's what you should choose, but recognize that you are not a victim of circumstance in that, right? You are in charge of the environment you are choosing. Of course there are issues where I would choose something else if I could, but I am. I find myself in this particular risk category and I need to go here. Okay. Well, you are still in, in charge of the care provider that you hire within that space as well, or Or the particular hospital that you are deciding to walk into, right. You're in charge of that support team you build. So no matter again, no matter what is going on in your pregnancy, you still have the ability to build some support. Around you to help. So to help kind of bolster some of these desires that you have. And you're in charge of the birth education that you acquire. I would not say that a birth. Prep class is going to save all of the things by any means, but you can always go back to that researching of what is normal. So coming back into, like, let me learn more about birth itself. What is my body actually doing? How can I work with it instead of against it? What are some, what are some tools and some tips from a wise guide who has, you know, brought people through this experience before. How can I acquire some of that wisdom? Right. So you're in charge of that for sure. We just you know, our, our heart's desire is to not see women. Being put in a situation where the goals for their birth are completely at odds with the statistical outcomes of those choices. Right? So. The idea that we see a lot of women. I mean, I remember this, especially from doula work, we see obviously a lot of women who want to have home births. So that's just we see a lot of low risk women who are very great candidates for home birth. But I remember as a doula would see a lot of women who wanted a very specific type of birth. And walked into a hospital with a very high intervention rate or with a provider. Who. Was had their own very high intervention rates. And it felt more like a fight for the things that they wanted. Rather than an understanding. That they were walking into a situation that. You know, would support them. It was. It was like going into battle in a lot of ways that resonates deeply with my experience also. Okay. So there are some pieces that we're going to expect challenge to happen. We're going to expect there to be something that needs to be navigated. And although we can't control all of the pieces of that particular outcome, you can prepare yourself to already make set decisions about how you're going to respond to those difficult to use in birth. And we have a free guide. Called resilient birding or something like that. Guide to resilient birthday. He booked for resilience in birthing. And so this is a freebie that you can get, I'll put the link in the show notes, but we walk you through, how do you recognize the challenges that you were most likely to come across? How do you personalize that for just your own way of coping and your own plan for birth, and then how do you match that with a set response that you can start practicing now, sharing with your birth team. Now, Hey, if I come across this type. Type of challenge, or I'm starting to struggle in this particular way. This is what I want to say to myself. This is what I want to be reminded. I want to pivot in our plan this way. And so you can plan to recognize what some of those things might feel like before you even experience it. Instead of responding or reacting to the circumstance in the moment. That is what flexibility and birthing resiliency is all about. Yeah. I shared this with a friend of mine. Who's going in to have her fourth baby. And has each one of her births has desired a natural birth and has walked into situations. That didn't you know, didn't kind of correspond with what she was desiring. She worked through this. Idea of this, like work through the guide to resilient birthing made different choices, this go round and you know, it was just sort of processing with her last week. She's still pregnant. But a process with her, how helpful it was to lean into this idea of like, okay, I'm going into this the fourth time things haven't quite lined up before I recognize I want this so badly, but how am I going to handle myself emotionally or whatever, if things do shift in a way that is not what I want. And. Even her husband was like, no, this is really good because we didn't have this on board the other times. And there was a lot of struggle in the emotional processing and the disappointment and things like that. Not saying that there won't be disappointment in some of these pieces, but this guide in particular. Helps you understand yourself a little bit more and helps you communicate some of these pieces to the people around you too. So it is a a great tool to have in your. Birthing back pocket. Yeah. And there is a section in there for processing the experience after it has happened. And so even those of you who are listening right now that are like, I'm feeling a little less. This is stimulated by this conversation because I wish that I had to approach my birth like this. And now it's too late. Go ahead and go grab that guide for yourself anyways, and take a look at the processing piece for after the birth so that you can start to reconcile some of those pieces, start to reframe them for yourself. Start to recognize. How normal it is to have a piece of what was challenging in your birth to linger a little bit longer. And just to start practicing grace over that memory. Absolutely. And that's what we desire for all of you. So, thanks for chatting some of this stuff out with us and we will catch you next week. All right. Bye guys.