Supporting Your Missionary Through Hard Times with Mission Coach Jennie Dildine

Will Humphreys sits down with Jennie Dildine, a certified life coach and host of the LDS Mission Podcast, to talk about what actually helps missionaries before they leave, while they are serving, and after they come home. Jennie has spent seven years coaching missionaries and their parents through anxiety, burnout, identity struggles, and the transition home, and in this episode she breaks down what she has learned.

The conversation is rooted in Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk Forget Me Not from October 2011. Jennie read the talk, replaced every mention of sisters with missionaries and elders and sisters, and found something she now teaches nearly everyone she works with: five things missionaries, and the people who love them, are not supposed to forget.

In This Episode, Will and Jennie Discuss:

• Why Jennie became a certified life coach for missionaries and their parents, and the moment that convinced her this was her calling
• Elder Uchtdorf's Forget Me Not talk and the five things it teaches missionaries never to forget
• Why worth was never tied to goals met, lessons taught, or how a mission looks from the outside
• The normalize, validate, and repeat method for what to say when a missionary wants to come home
• The missionary spiral, and how a single hard moment turns into guilt, shame, and frustration
• Support versus challenge, and how parents can find the right balance for their missionary
• How to prepare a missionary before they leave, including five things to teach before departure
• Navigating romantic relationships before and during a mission
• The biggest myth about returned missionaries, and what actually helps them transition home

Preparing Missionary Cheat Sheet: https://www.subscribepage.com/preparingmissionarycheatsheetmissionariesww

Connect with Jenny

Website: https://jenniedildine.com/

Instagram: @jennie.theldsmissioncoach

Podcast: LDS Mission Podcast 

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0MnlUX55Lnvo66Ti13yYhk?si=03786b400bd74285

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-lds-mission-podcast/id1573286056

Transcript

Missionary Month And Guest Setup

SPEAKER_04 0:05

July is missionary month here on Temple Bound. So whether you have a missionary leaving or coming home or somewhere in the middle, you don't want to miss these powerful episodes geared to help each of you in this process draw closer to Christ as you make these changes, all of it through the lens of the temple. It's no wonder in today's complex, chaotic world that missionaries have more to deal with as they prepare, serve, and adjust back from their missions. So for Missionary Month on Temple Bound, that's why we invited an expert to help us navigate these waters. Jenny Dilvine isn't just a coach for missionaries and parents, she's also the host of the LDS Missionary Podcast. She's going to share some of her best tips and tricks to help people adjust to these different stages and get the most out of them. So if you know anyone who's struggling with anxiety, depression on any of those fronts, this is the episode to share with them. Well, Jenny, welcome to Temple Bound. We're so excited to have you for this missionary month in July. And uh I would love for you to introduce yourself and set the table and explain to the audience who you are and what you do.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Yeah. So hey everybody, I'm so excited to be here. Um my name is Jenny Dildine, and I am passionate about missionaries. I care so much about not just like them, but I care about their experience. And as many of us know, right? We see a lot of them struggling. A lot of them struggling right now. And so I am a certified life coach. I live in Eagle, Idaho. So we found out Will and I have some really close connections back here in Eagle Iowa.

SPEAKER_04 1:43

Shout out to the Smiths. Greatest couple. Love them.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Yeah. So and I have five kids. I've got two that are married. I have a grandbaby on the way from my first grandbaby. So that's gonna be a new stage of life. I'm looking forward to. Um one daughter at home um that will be going into high school. So we have a few more years with her. But yeah, so I just I'm here solo person, just trying to get as much help as I can out to missionaries in all kinds of ways. Um so yeah, that's kind of what I do. I'm a certified life coach, and so mostly what I focus on is mindset and emotional well-being. Cause that I think when missionaries go out, they um they think it's gonna be hard in one particular way, and then it's different in all the ways that they weren't expecting. So that's the work I'm doing.

SPEAKER_04 2:44

I love that work. You know, we were so excited to get you on the show as you have your own podcast and your own social media and these services that you provide. Because I think parents now are really clear that missions create wonderful opportunities for growth, but also unique challenges for growth. That this generation is different than any generation before. We have more missionaries than ever before and more mental health struggles than ever before. So, my my first question before we jump into the talk that you referenced is why did you get into this and why are you so passionate about it?

Why Jenny Coaches Missionaries

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Yeah, I mean, it's it's two part. The way I got into it was I started kind of my life coach training when I was, when my son was about halfway through his mission, completely changed my life and and actually was able to share some things with my son on his mission that kind of helped change the way he saw himself and the way he saw his role and the way he saw God and and his goals and his confidence and all of that. Um, and then I was actually wrapping up my training about the time he came home. And I will never forget the moment that I was talking to a woman in the stake. Her daughter was coming home about the same time. And she said, I'm just so sad that she's coming home because she won't have a purpose anymore.

SPEAKER_02 4:04

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

And I was like, wait, what? No, no, that is that's not how it works. And so it was in that moment that I knew what I was meant to do. And so I started in the RM space, working with return missionaries, helping them transform that um transition home, which can be tough to navigate. But um, as I saw it really changing their lives and really affecting them in such unique and positive ways and gave them so much confidence, I had more people reaching out, like on the mission, and saying, My missionary is drowning. Can you help? So I'd say sure. And so then I started working with missionaries on the mission um and helping them, helping them have that same sort of transformation, but on the mission. And the more I did that, the more I realized, you know what, if we could just teach this stuff before they leave, how amazing would that be? Is that they would have all the challenge of the mission, but none of the suffering or heartache or confidence, you know, downfall that we see sometimes or that mental just like crash out. Like they could the mission is supposed to be hard, but it's not supposed to wreck you.

SPEAKER_04 5:19

Well, I think minimally, by eliminating the surprise of it, you dramatically change the way it is experienced. Neuropsychologists talk about when you're gonna deliver bad news to someone, say someone's died. When you go to somebody, they say, you tell people, hey, I need you to get ready. I'm about to share something that's gonna be really hard to hear. And then you pause, and they've done studies to show and scans to show that the brain literally like shifts into this mode of resilience to receive the news. So I feel like what you're doing there in the mission field is helping people prepare for mental and emotional resilience by preparing them for what's coming. So even if there is some of the trial and the hardship, the shock to the system isn't there. And that to me is a lot of that battle. So it's really neat that you have that personal experience of your own journey with your child, and now you're sharing it with others. And how long have you been doing this now?

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Almost seven years.

SPEAKER_04 6:14

Okay.

Why The Forget Me Not Talk

SPEAKER_04 6:15

So there's so much I want to get into here, but I always like to root things, of course, in the gospel directly. And you picked a talk. Um, and I I want you to explain the talk and why you picked it because of Missionary Month. Because on the on the surface level, it's not going to seem like it's connected, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Sure, sure, sure. So one of my favorite talks always is that is President Ukdorf. Like there's just something about him that's like real and grounding. He just speaks to my soul. So when you asked me about a talk, I was I started kind of looking back at a few of my favorites. And this one is forget me forget me not from October 2011, I think.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

And um anyway, I as I was reading this talk, I just especially with I just heard recently that there's 70% of sisters in the MTC right now. It's 70%.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

The age change. And so he goes through this talk. It was originally like in a relief society session. So he talks about sisters in this talk. So the first time I read through it, I was thinking about all these new sisters that are going out and serving. And and in my mind, I wasn't thinking relief society sisters, I was thinking missionary sisters. And I was just, I actually am getting goosebumps again, talking about it because I was like, this is so important, and it's a lot of what I teach, actually. And then the second time I read through it, I just put missionaries. Every place it said like like the gospel, I would just put your mission, or every place it said like um, hey sisters, I would say elders and sisters. And I was just like, everyone needs to go read this time and send it to your missionaries. I think we get in gospel library, right? And we type missionaries or missionary and then see what pops up. But this was so good. And P.S. I looked it up and Elder Ukdorf, or do we still call him president? I don't really know.

SPEAKER_04 8:19

I, you know, I that I'm the wrong person to ask.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Elder Ukdorf, he is actually the chairman of the missionary executive council.

SPEAKER_04 8:29

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Yeah, and so I always am really interested in what he has to say and what he has to hear because I I think he has that flavor in the things that he's talking about that must be kind of running underneath the surface there.

SPEAKER_04 8:44

Yeah, his focus is on that field, the missionary field. So everything he talks about probably is influenced minimally by it. So maybe that's why you picked it up. But I love that you did what we learn in Nephi about liking the scriptures unto ourselves, right? In in the scriptures, we're talking about Isaiah and how we should use our own word. But I've never heard uh someone adopt it to a specific stage of life like that before. Instead of like talking to Will, replacing those names with my name, replacing the circumstances I'm in. So maybe it's a mission, maybe it's professional. So I just, as a side note, I think that was a really cool way for you to pull it together. And it seems like that talk really hit upon the key things that you see as applicable to people preparing, serving, or coming home from a mission.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 9:29

Let's dive in. Let's dive right in. So uh why don't you go through some of the concepts there? I'll set the stage just really brief on that for the sake of time because I'm literally feeling pressure to make sure I get all my questions in because I have a million. The general story is that Elder Ukdorf starts this talk by discussing this forget me-not flower. And the tradition in Germany is that it's this beautiful little flower that he's always felt connected to. And in the Germans, they they have this legend that God was finishing naming all the plants and one little flower was left unnamed, and it said, Forget me not, O Lord. And God replied that that would be its name. So um he talks about five petals to the flower and the five uh elements that uh he wants us not to forget as missionaries, parents of missionaries, serving missions, or coming home.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

Yeah. And I think even just that first little analogy that he shared, like I just think about these missionaries going out, and they're just like thrown to some crazy corner of Australia or Africa. And I'm sure they feel forgotten. I'm sure they feel forgotten and sometimes unseen by the mission president or by, you know, the district leader or the zone leader or the sister training leader. Like, so that really stuck out to me is just this idea that even though you feel unseen or forgotten, that that is actually not the case.

SPEAKER_04 10:57

Yes. I think people don't realize going into their missions. I remember feeling this myself, that no matter what you hear or think, or what videos you've watched, it feels completely unique to you. And because of that, you start to question well, am I the only one who feels this way? I went through a faith journey in the MTC around believing it's true and then seeing some things I had questions on because I had to teach it. And the way that my questions were received and the way it made me question maybe I'm not a fit for my mission. I remember thinking that in the MTC. And during challenges in the field, those questions come in. And I know the adversary obviously is at play here to try to just lean into you're not worthy, that's a common one. Um, another one is gonna be around all these different ways that he can influence things. But no matter what it is, to your point, we don't feel it's it's so individualistic. There's there's some element of a mission that you can't totally be prepared for because you don't know how you're gonna feel about it until you're in it. But at least, again, in preparing them for that, they can be aware of, oh, this is normal to feel like, you know, maybe I'm alone in this case. And that just that alone shifts it.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Yeah, a hundred percent. And right, that's a lot of the the work that I do is like what do you not that you're not gonna feel this stuff, but what do you do with that? What do you how do you move through it? How do you make it work for your best good? How do you alchemize it into something better? Like, how do you shift it? I really believe that we can never prepare for anything outside of us because we never like that's just life. That's that's not just the mission, that's the way life works, but we can fortify our insides. And and we talk a lot about spiritual fortification, but there is a way to fortify your mindset, your emotional well-being, your the way you handle relationships, the way you see yourself, that confidence. There is the the way we handle failure, and that's less of a spiritual thing, that's more of like a human mindset, emotional thing that you can prepare for.

Patience With Yourself Under Stress

SPEAKER_00 13:08

So I'll get in, I'll just read these five, and I would just encourage everyone to go read it and send it to your missionary. I I just was like, wow, every missionary needs to hear this. So, number one was forget not to be patient with yourself. The number of calls that I have with missionaries who are beating themselves up for not meeting their goals or not or having a like not compassionate thought about their companion.

SPEAKER_04 13:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:39

That's human. That's that's normal human stuff, right? And and so to be patient, like of course, or like you notice maybe you're experiencing a little anxiety as you get out of the mission, that's actually normal. When we take someone's nervous system and their brain and plop it in a foreign country where you can't communicate and you can't like it's a new culture, a new food, a new schedule. Like, of course, you're gonna feel anxious a little bit.

SPEAKER_04 14:08

I feel like you're doing sorry.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

What's that?

SPEAKER_04 14:11

I didn't mean to interrupt, sorry. I just was I was wanted to jump in and say that it just I think the biggest thing that you probably bring to people's attention is that it's normal to not feel normal. The anxiety is like part of what we're signing up for, not just in the mission, but in life.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

Yes, right. And and I fear that sometimes on the mission we treat these like anxieties, these discouragements like some kind of disease or some kind of huge problem. But when when missionaries have the skills to move through them, to understand them, to know they're not alone, to know that it's okay, guess what happens? The anxiety goes away. So yeah.

Rest Without Shame On The Mission

SPEAKER_00 14:50

Okay, so then number two, the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish one. This is something I feel really passionate about. I've been working with one missionary for quite a little while, and she's like, I'm exhausted. She's like, I like I'm not eating, I don't allow myself to sit down while I eat. There's just this pressure to go, go, go, go. And so trying to understand like what and and that's kind of an adult sort of um skill, right? To learn like when to push yourself and when to pull back, and when to push yourself and when to pull back. Um, and I think that President Ookdorf, Elder Ookdorf talks about this in a really amazing way is how do you know when this sacrifice to to push myself till I just drop dead is useful and when it actually is detrimental? Like I has said on one of my podcasts that when you decide to rest, that doesn't mean you're lazy. It means you really care about continuing this long term. It means you care enough to step back so that you have something else to give tomorrow. So, what do you think about that?

SPEAKER_04 16:11

I'm I'm wondering how you can teach me how to do that. I I will say that, like I will say that obviously as an adult, I've I have different parameters. I see my kids go through this at the level that you're describing, and it is heartbreaking. The thing that I would describe the journey of this generation around is judgment, um, unrighteous judgment. I feel that the biggest thing we talk about comparisons, sure, but um I think the layer below that that's actually more negatively impactful for for all of us, but especially evident with this generation that has social media, is this idea of judgment because they're they're seeing these things, they're comparing, but that's a form of judgment. But then it keeps going deeper, I've learned with my kids beyond social media. Even when they're off social media, the perception, especially if you live in Eagle or Gilbert, there is this idea of like everyone else is doing so great and living the best life. The covenant path looks a certain way. And I will tell you, after two years of doing Temple Bound, the one lesson that stands out the most to me is that whether it's a mission or the the covenant path, is that although the milestones might be easy to see as similar, the experience is individualistic completely, and at some point feels like everything is broken. And that's kind of the the the point of existing is to find and hold on to that rod, not just like dance through it like it seems like everyone else is doing. So when it comes to judgment, that's there so that when they're tired and they're they're resting, it's like they have this layer of judgment on it that you're helping to to relieve. And how do you do that? Not speaking for a friend, how do you how do you how do you teach people to relax and just let these things go?

SPEAKER_00 18:01

I mean, here's I mean, this is what's coming to mind. I there's probably it's probably a a multifaceted answer, right? But um, first of all, once you understand truly your worth, right, and why you're here, like this is something I've had to learn for myself. Is like once you really understand that your worth is not in the goals you meet. Your worth is not in the degrees you have. Your worth is not in for me, the number of podcasts that I've recorded. My worth is not in how faithful my children are. My worth is set. It's actually infinite, and there is nothing I can do to make my worth go down, and there's nothing that I can do to make my worth go up. It is just because I'm a living, breathing daughter of God, I can rest. And that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean I'm lazy, it doesn't mean I'm not faithful, it doesn't mean like that whatever. Like it doesn't mean that Satan has control over me or whatever. It just means I'm a human person that is choosing rest because I know that that is what keeps me sustained long term.

SPEAKER_04 19:31

I feel that's so powerful. Um, Jenny, I I felt in my body like release, just relax. And it's I think the thing that you said for the parents who are listening to this is the idea that our worth isn't tied to our children's decisions. It's not tied to their mental health. It there's a difference between responsibility and accountability in the sense that like as parents, we are responsible absolutely for the well-being of our kids. But what we are and how we are valued has nothing to do with that. And I think as parents, I would even say that's a just as equally important of a concept because either we don't have experience around the same kinds of anxieties and depressions, and so there's judgment there, or we super most of us probably just worry mostly and and and start to like want to make sure that everything is protected and clear. Um, one of our coaches uh that we're gonna have on the show next month, his name is Shaden. He works with addiction recovery for pornography. And he was, he and I were having a discussion as we're preparing for the show next week, and he was telling me, he goes, No, the opposite of anxiety isn't peace. He said, the opposite of anxiety is trust. And that landed for me in such a life-changing way, authentically, because when I'm feeling anxious about something, it's like, who am I not trusting? And it's never God. I never not trust God in my mind. It's just that I don't trust Will Humphreys, and I'm not going to talk about myself in the third person most of the show. But this idea is like, I literally, and then this is being vulnerable, I will say I trust Jesus Christ over Will Humphreys when it comes to raising my kids. And it just causes that space. Maybe there that helps me see my worth in that in that moment. But either way, I love that you're showing this because I think that's what missionaries are probably doing. They're trying to keep up with the people around them, that they have, you know, great observations. They're they're aspiring to be like great people around them, but it's their worth isn't tied to that. So they can rest. They can, you know, do something other than what they think is like awesome or productive and be okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Yeah. Sometimes I'll even work with clients who, you know, RMs or sometimes even missionary moms or whatever, is is and we get a little bit of like an addiction to doing.

SPEAKER_04 21:55

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

Because we get this like little bit of a dopamine, we get this little Little bit of a belief that like I'm doing a good job, and I think that's one of the struggles I see when RMs come home is they have um all of these reasons and these things to tell themselves they're doing a good job. Like I did that, I did that, check that off, check that out, check that off. But can you really say even if I don't do that, it doesn't matter. I still have worth. And listen, Will Humphreys is God's So, yes, you mean Jesus, but you are his. You have his DNA, and that gives you birth, period.

SPEAKER_04 22:42

That's beautiful. I appreciate that. And yeah, I wasn't expecting to get so much personally out of this. I really appreciate you saying that. I hope people who are listening are are relating to elements of this because that's the thing, is you know, I think there's fear in sharing these vulnerable experiences that we go through humanity, and it's in the connection that we truly find peace, that trust, because we realize we're not alone. Um Okay, so I I I'm immediately wanting to pivot into like things that you do to help prepare and missionaries while they're on their mission and when they're coming home. But before we do, um, I know there's some other concepts in the talk that I'm sure we want to hit.

Be Happy Now And Remember Why

SPEAKER_04 23:22

I I think you organically hit the fifth concept, the fifth element of Oh, the Lord loves you.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:27

The Lord loves you. Um, is there anything that we missed from the talk that you'd like to hit before we we go into my my uh I mean number three was like be happy now, which is all you have way more power to create that for your like I think God's a creator, and we are creators and we don't just create children, right?

SPEAKER_00 23:47

We create happiness that is within your power to do. And um, so just this like empowerment where I teach people like the way to do that, the way to create that for yourself, even in the struggle. And then number four, the why of the gospel. Like this is so prevalent on the mission, right? It's it's like I get on a call and it's like my mission presence only focused on numbers, and he doesn't like he he just doesn't see see the bigger picture and why these people matter. And I anyway, so it's important on the mission to remember why you're there. It's for these people, it's to be who you are supposed to be. You're not supposed to be like your companion.

SPEAKER_04 24:29

You're not supposed to or anyone else, you know, um Sadie Hamlin, who's a return missionary who we already interviewed, who's a part of this month of July, this missionary month, she had just come home from her mission and she said something about the why of the gospel that correlates with what you just said. Um, I won't go into great detail since people can listen to that episode, but the thing that she mentioned was halfway through her mission, a new mission president came in, and his whole focus was we got to start teaching and understanding the why of the gospel. And so when she started doing that, two things happened. Number one, she started having a greater experience within the mission because the why of the gospel is grace. Like, I think that's we have lost our concept of grace in a way of just not because it's bad, it's just because it's so needed for us now more than ever. And so we just, as we understand grace, we just realize, like, hey, it's gonna be great. Everything's gonna be okay. And when that loving, peaceful, relaxing energy of the gospel, the why, starts to filter through our lives, we get confidence in the Lord, right? And then baptism's actually started going through the roof. She talks about the journey of like when and she, I had her, I do a little demo in that um podcast of like, okay, teach me. And she went through it and I'm like, sign me up. It's just it's really powerful, the why. You mentioned something, let's let's connect the why to something you said earlier too, Jenny, because you mentioned that like when people come home, you heard something of of of a mom saying that, like, hey, now their purpose is gone. When we talk about why and purpose, um, you know, it seems like that's a fundamental thing in your in your in your helping people. Um how does how do you help people who are preparing for missions, either on a mission or coming home from a mission, understand the the impact and the significance of their why or purpose?

SPEAKER_00 26:19

Mm-hmm. I mean, I tend to be a really like, you know, when you're struggling, you're really in the weeds of like what's going on and things like that. And so a lot of times it's just really zooming out to like the big picture. Like, it's funny that we think when we're on a mission that we're always like you mentioned earlier, like we're always supposed to be happy and it's always supposed to be rainbows and daisies, and we're always supposed to feel good, but Jesus didn't like life is actually supposed to be 50-50. Without the 50-50, there is no progression. We learned that in the Garden of Eden, right? Like, you have to have the opposition, and so it's like giving this this opposition a purpose, it's understanding the opposition, and I don't mean opposition always like that it's bad. Opposition meaning like sometimes I'm bored or trunky, and sometimes I'm motivated and excited, but without the motivated and excited, like without the trunky and bored, there is no motivated and excited.

SPEAKER_02 27:31

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 27:33

It's just like giving it so I teach them a lot about kind of like their higher and lower brain and and why you have these thoughts and why you feel this way and why it's all okay, and then we tie it to the gospel plan. Like without without the 50-50, God's plan's completely frustrated.

SPEAKER_04 27:52

Right. It's interesting to think about normalizing opposition. You know, we learn opposition in all things, but even at my age, I still will have resistance or challenge, and it's almost like a human nature, maybe it's a reptilian brain kind of thing, but it just goes back to like, okay, what am I doing wrong here? Or what am I what's wrong with me? You know, so when you normalize that again, I'm sure that helps people understand things. I heard um a psychologist recently talk online about the importance of being bored, which is something that you hit upon. Is that when people there's like there's something psychologically that happens in our mindset shifts when we're allowing ourselves to be bored, it's see, it's almost like uh the soil in our brain to help seed what later becomes excitement and purpose in these different elements. And in a world where we're constantly being entertained and those dopamine receptors are constantly being uh stimulated through things that are are going through short form videos or video games, it becomes really hard, especially through addictive things like pornography, it becomes really hard to find joy in the normal and to find peace in the opposition.

How Parents Can Help Before Leaving

SPEAKER_04 28:57

So, what would you say? It's okay, I'd like to jump now into my questions. So, what what do you think? If I'm a parent preparing a child for a mission, how would you recommend to me that I could help prepare my child best? Like what can I do as a parent to support my child in preparing for a mission?

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Mm-hmm. So we've already talked a little bit about this. Is it it's important before you leave on a mission to untie your worth from your achievements, from what you're able to accomplish, from what you're able to do. Like you got because what happens is you get out on the mission and you don't meet your goals, and you are anxious, and you are mad at your companion. And so we've got to untie that worth like really understand your true value and worth. So that's one thing. The other thing, and I do have a preparing missionary cheat sheet, I think we're gonna put it on here.

SPEAKER_04 30:01

Please mention it now, please.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

Yeah. So I have five things that you can start teaching, and these aren't just like preach my gospel things, right? These are spiritual things, these are like mindset human things that you can teach your child now. Start putting them in family home evenings that you want to work towards. But the other thing that I did have a sister who was getting ready to leave locally here, and she said, Jenny, if you had one piece of advice for me before I leave on my mission, um, what would you say? And I said, You need to get really good at feeling uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_04 30:39

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

Like there is because our brains don't like that change, it doesn't like the transfers, it doesn't like the new culture. Like that's that's not a problem. That's human, that's human, the way your body and your brain actually just works, right?

SPEAKER_02 30:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

And so the what you need to do is have skills to move through that and come out the other side changed, not like have you spiral down. And I mean, I have 260 plus episodes to teach you how to do that.

SPEAKER_04 31:15

Yeah, and please promote those elements, please, because people are now listening who are hearing this, going, like, how can I get a hold of that check sheet? Where do they go to to get that checklist, the missionary prepare checklist? And where do they can where can they hear your podcast?

SPEAKER_00 31:26

Yeah, so if you just like, well, I can just email it to you if you want, Jenny.

SPEAKER_04 31:32

We'll have it in the show notes. So audience, they'll be in the show notes. If you don't see it, email me directly. You'll see the link there to email me through um whatever form you're using to listen to the podcast. But yes, we will have the link there. But do you have a website or anything they can just jump to?

SPEAKER_00 31:45

Yeah. JennyDildaine.com. Most of my I have some, you know, guides for RMs and things like that on my website. Most of my free like PDFs and things like that you can find on Instagram. Like I'm offering them all the time on Instagram. It's just at jenny. I've been like new stuff every week. Like, here's a script for your missionary if they're struggling. Here's a, you know, I mean, like, how do you talk to oh one that's getting a lot of traction right now is I've been talking about like relationships before the mission.

Dating Before A Mission Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 32:22

Like, do you break up? Do you stay together?

SPEAKER_04 32:25

Romantic relationships.

SPEAKER_00 32:27

Yeah, yeah. Not just companion relationships. I've done a lot of work about that, but like, you know, that's the stuff I do is like the real stuff.

SPEAKER_04 32:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:38

Like that people are worried about and are thinking about.

SPEAKER_04 32:42

Yeah, I remember being on the mission. That's kind of all we talked about was in the MTC was who had a girl and that they were leaving behind. And, you know, I remember being in the MTC and some of our friends' girls were getting married or engaged like within days after they left. Like, so there's, I mean, and I'm I'm laughing a little bit, but at the time it was really heavy and hard. I remember that being like top of the line, stressful. And you know, it's later when you're married, it's like you look back and you just you find the joy in it. But in the moment, it's not easy. And that is, I would say, one of the harder things that a lot of missionaries go through are relationships there. So you actually help make determinations. Do you have any short answers now for the show? Like, is there anything that you recommend?

SPEAKER_00 33:22

Yeah, my short answer for relationships, romantic relationships before you leave is you just want so there's a difference between like loving someone and caring about someone, and actually thinking that you have to have them to be okay. Um so like sometimes accidentally we get that too enmeshed where like I'm not okay as a person without you. And I did work with a missionary who really struggled on his mission, um because she kind of deer johnmed him, and you know, then but like if you have your own sort of like I love you, you love me, but I'm a whole person and I'll be okay without you for a while. It's like an emotional sort of um maturity and sort of like being able to separate that. I find like if that's the case, then then sometimes it can be really beneficial to have a friend, you know, a person you care about that's you know, helping and reaching out. And I think just sometimes it's as parents, we're like, it's an absolute no. And I don't think it's always the case.

SPEAKER_04 34:31

Yeah, maybe sometimes it's okay if they're both mature and healthy. I will say, although that's great advice for missionaries, I think of married couples who go into relationships with that. And I think what a wonderful opportunity the mission provides to create opposition in a romantic setting early on, so people can have an opportunity to be made whole. Because, you know, marriages later on, I don't I think they're some of them are growing around those challenges and those produce other issues within you know the relationships down the road. So it's interesting to note that um that there's a difference between loving someone versus having that position of I'm not okay without them.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Yeah, especially at that age where their brains aren't fully developed yet. Yeah. Right? Like it's just really hard to. I mean, in any case, sure, if you like, I don't know, that's that's tough to go through, uh, but especially at that age, I think. Just making sure that they are okay. I think of like uh, you know, how you had like your pacifier when you were a kid, or you had your favorite blanket and you were not okay without it. Sometimes I think we accidentally treat people that way.

SPEAKER_04 35:42

Wow. Plus the thing that you mentioned earlier, the best advice I ever got from parenting for my mom, you know, East East East Texas Lynn, was she said, I was talking about my oldest son going through some high school challenges, and she goes, Don't forget, Will, his cake is only half baked. You know, the idea that these brains are still developing until they're 20s. It's like we giving us when our value is tied to that. I was talking to this morning, um, uh a friend of mine who just stopped being bishop, but he specialized in helping um in porn porn addiction, and he's gonna be on that same series in September. He was telling me, he said, he said, the biggest thing to recognize is what you said earlier is that like we as parents, we can't have our self-worth tied to their addiction. Like it's our fault, or you know, any of that is making it about us. And so when their brains are developing and they're facing these unique challenges, it goes back to worth. It seems like all this discussion comes back to knowing who you are and who you belong to, right? Yeah, at least foundationally. At least foundationally. I don't know what so that's what that okay, great insight on the relationship piece in the mission field. What are some of the things that you're seeing? And what are see what are some of the things that you're doing to help missionaries find resilience?

SPEAKER_00 36:56

Mm-hmm. I mean, it's it's a mixed bag, of course. Like the if I've learned one thing, right, over the last seven years of doing this is every individual is so different. Like when when we say God created us uniquely, that's actually true. You know? And so it's it's so vast, it's so varied. Um but I think maybe I'll just share.

Normalize Validate Repeat For Struggles

SPEAKER_00 37:30

Well, I could share one little concept that I always share with parents whose missionaries are struggling.

SPEAKER_02 37:35

Please.

SPEAKER_00 37:36

And um, I call this normalize, validate, and repeat.

SPEAKER_04 37:41

So normalize, validate, and repeat. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:43

That's right. So if you if you're a missionary, let's say they call you these teary phone calls that we get and say, I I want to come home. Like our first instinct is to be like, no, no, we can't do that. Like, you're amazing, you can do this. Like right, and and talk them out of it. That's our tendency, right? But what we want to do is we want to normalize it, and normalize sounds like this. It sounds like that makes so much sense. Of course, you want to come home. The mission is super hard. You don't feel like yourself, you're anxious, you're lonely, you're you know, you don't know the of course. That makes so much sense. And then validate sounds like this, and it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 38:32

It's okay, you want to come home.

SPEAKER_00 38:34

How can we help you? How can we help you work through this? And interestingly, what happens is when we try to talk them out of it, they start to hold, and I see this with clients, right? And this is why I understand this. They start to hold on to their story more tightly. Like it's it's a brain thing, it's like that lizard brain you were talking about. It's like, no, you don't understand. You don't understand. I need to come home. I'm this, I'm that, I'm that. And and this can apply to our teenagers, like that are getting ready to leave when they're like, I just I don't know if I can do this. Like I worked with a client who was like had her call and she was like, I don't I don't think I'm gonna do this anymore. And our first tendency is to freak out as parents and be like, no, this is what I mean, and like you're amazing and you can do it. And what our kids hear when we try to talk them out of what their brain is telling them is they think something's wrong with me if I think this way.

SPEAKER_04 39:35

So counterintuitive, I think, like you said, most people are gonna re on. I had a friend who had a similar experience on a child who told him that he didn't want to go on a mission. They were together on a very special trip, just the two of them, and the son turns to the dad and he just says, Yeah, I don't know if I believe this, and I don't know if I want to serve a mission.

SPEAKER_02 39:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:55

And he organically did what you said. I mean, I'm realizing that he was being inspired. Um it's interesting that that concept of I've had friends uh who have bagged on coaching. I'm a big believer in it. I've had lots of executive coaching. They're like, Well, can't God reveal those things to you? I'm like, yeah, and he can reveal to you how to manage your broken arm too. But there are doctors and those things, and so there's there's different types of coaches for sure. And like this is one of those moments of like coaching these elements is going to help everyone who listens. It's it's very useful. He was inspired in that moment, and he just he said, Yeah, I totally get it. I've I've had questions about some of those things too. And making uh serving deciding to serve a mission is a really big decision. So, what can I do? He literally said, What can I do to help you? And it was and and the child ended up going on a mission, but it was because he was willing to let go of the idea that his worth as a parent wasn't tied to his son's accomplishment. And I would tell you that there are people listening to this, there's a part of me that's still like this, even though I definitely am don't believe it to be effective in my world at least, is this thing of like you set expectations and all these different elements. I do think there's a place for that, but where it gets blurred and where we compound and confuse it is around this thing of like not normalizing, not validating them first, and then being curious and asking them how we can help them make their decision. Because I think that's the difference with this generation. I believe a lot of my friends think that this generation is weaker. I really believe that because they don't do hard things. You know, I've got anyway, I could go on a tirade about this. Okay, I get so up in arms about the hard things. Like, it's like they do hard things at a level emotionally and spiritually, at a level that we never had to every day. What they need is connection. So instead of making them lift a lot of heavy things to learn the value of hard work, let's help them feel connected to people because they're so much more capable when they, this generation, when they feel that connection, with my kids at least, when I've stopped pushing and I started being curious, is when I started seeing them just rise on their own and make decisions that, you know, a more controlling, less secure version of me would have wanted them to do for my benefit, right?

SPEAKER_00 42:06

Yeah. So yeah, I agree. I think that, you know, the thing I always tell people that are like, oh, they're weaker or they're snowflake or they're whatever. And I'm like, did you have to go to school every day worrying that there was going to be a shooting?

SPEAKER_02 42:22

Totally.

SPEAKER_00 42:24

Like that, that actually has an effect on your nervous system. Like that's not just like, and and it can be unseen, but they are more sensitive. Like their nervous systems are frazzled.

SPEAKER_04 42:38

I want to chime in on that. Yeah, I think it's important to highlight the importance of understanding what we're learning about the nervous system. That there is these, we talk about hard things, the school shootings. You know, another really impactful nervous system uh element for men and women is the fact that never in the history of the world has there been the capability to access pornography. And we say pornography, and it be kind of, I think actually that word even means a little bit different to different people, but let's put it like this. I think Jordan Pearson was the one who said this that, you know, when you think about the fact that the richest, most powerful men in the world could never have accessed in their entire lifetime the amount of pictures or you know, loot acts on a single device within five, like this generation can access more than they could in their entire lives in less than five minutes. Like we have to be respectful of the fact that their nervous systems are being bombarded with these different elements. And there's a documentary that's been put out about the how social media has been legitimately hiring experts to make their mediums addictive. So they're being bombarded. And then here's my last one, and then I'll be quiet. Then you can't watch a sporting event anymore without some sort of advertisement for a gambling app. I have a friend who's in the uh Gamblers Anonymous, his addiction came through a A non-sports betting relating reason, but when now those apps started coming out, he says his group size went from 10 to 200. And the vast majority so like all these things are bombarding their nervous system, whether we even know it or not, whether they're even conscious to it or not. There's this impact that's occurring. So when you talk about hard things, um, you know, I I'm not able to understand what they go through. And I'm not saying we don't make them learn how to work and these kinds of things, but we gotta talk solving this thing with like, well, we need to push them harder. I think it's the pushing that I get a little bit defensive on.

SPEAKER_00 44:33

It's yeah, and I I would say like this is where it's really important to be close to the spirit, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 44:40

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 44:40

Because there's our time I feel like with kids, there's with our and young adults, like, I don't know, there's times where you push and you say something, there's times you don't. And it's so much more powerful to not. And there's times where you push and then and then ultimately, I think this is one of those things on those that cheat sheet is learning what your push and pull is. Like if you can learn that for yourself, that's really powerful.

SPEAKER_04 45:07

Yes. Um, you're referencing something I want to make sure. I want to, because I said this thing about I'm against pushing. I want to really balance that correctly

Support Versus Challenge With The Spirit

SPEAKER_04 45:15

here. Because there is a beautiful, this is this comes from leadership. This is a business thing that I think is applicable here, is that when we talk about leadership, leadership is just inspiring people to be pro-survival, right? Like helping them take charge of their lives and their health. There's this balance between, I'm going to change the word uh push to challenge. So we, as parents, have two roles support and challenge. And they're, they, there's blends of the two, supporting or challenging. And when we over challenge, we overwhelm. And that's a common error that I'm seeing that I'm taking a stand vocally about. Because when we take a defensive stance around like challenging is the way to grow them as a loan, think about hiring an employee. This is something I coach executively on is that when you have employees, if you don't provide the right systems, the right education, and the right training, you overwhelm them. And so your leadership style is determined by how much you tend to support or challenge. And as parents, there's a great need for support. If we oversupport, we enable.

SPEAKER_00 46:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:14

So so how to find that line between the two is the single hardest thing I've ever had to go learn. And I don't even know how good or bad I'm doing at it because to your point, the only thing that matters is the spirit. So is this the moment to challenge them? And sometimes challenging looks differently in this generation than we thought it was for us. Sometimes challenging is just pulling back the support. And it's being like, yeah, I don't know what you're gonna do, but I trust you'll figure it out. There's probably no greater challenge than that. Because that looks like support in a challenging format, but the spirit is ultimately the guide. And with all the the confusing things that the adversary is throwing at us in the latter days, there's probably no other way to get through this other than just being close to the spirit and recognizing some of these things that you're teaching combined with this idea of like, all right, so where am I at? Am I supporting? Am I challenging? What do they need at this point? What does love look like? Is another way of asking it. And sometimes love looks like, you know, making it harder for them. But it's again, I think it's important for us as parents to go, like you said, to follow the spirit.

SPEAKER_00 47:21

Right. And it gets even more complicated, I think, when they're adults. Young adults, you know what I mean? Because really it is their life. It is their I have a son who's stepped away from the church, and I never had to learn like this idea of trust and like his value and worth, trust in Christ's atonement more.

SPEAKER_02 47:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 47:44

Like it is so much more true to me now than it has ever been.

SPEAKER_04 47:50

Yeah. This is what I was talking about with the um the thing I've learned from doing the show is the idea that it at some point the covenant path feels like it's either broken for us or in a way that's like it's not it's not producing this like idealistic version of what we think it looks like. The idealistic version of the covenant path is not the covenant path.

SPEAKER_02 48:13

Right?

SPEAKER_04 48:14

The path are these defined markers that are unified and objectively just what they are. But the way we experience it is all about that relationship with Jesus Christ. And if we didn't need him, there'd be no relationship. So when we go through those experiences, it's funny to me how I laugh at my own expectations of what I thought it was going to look like to be married or have kids or go on a mission. But what results at the end is so much more beautiful because it looks like trust. Um let me ask you, what what's something you wish people would know about coming home from a mission? What's the one thing or two things that you would say to people who have missionaries who are coming home?

Coming Home Without The Spiral

SPEAKER_00 48:51

I mean, I think there's so I'll kind of speak to the myth, the biggest myth I feel, which is like on in all the Facebook groups, it's like, what should you do with an RM? And it's like it goes back to what we're saying is push them. Like make them work. They should be working every day, they should be at the temple every day, they should be and that might be the way for some of them. It might be. But also there's a lot to unpack emotionally, mentally, and just giving them space to do that. I one thing I'm actually really proud of, if you don't mind me saying, is anybody who's gone through my program, my mission prep plus program, or I've worked with on the mission, does not struggle with the transition home.

SPEAKER_04 49:44

Because now what why is that? Why is that's wonderful, but why is that?

SPEAKER_00 49:49

They already understand their worth, they already understand why their brain does what it does, they know how to feel their feelings, they know how to make decisions, they know how to handle failure, they know what true joy is. And that and there's nothing wrong with any of it, any of the struggle. There's nothing like that's what I was gonna say is my what I see on the mission that is the hardest part for missionaries is they experience experience something challenging, and then I have this concept called meaning making where if they don't get up on time, that must mean I'm a bad person. That must mean I don't have the spirit today, that must mean God doesn't trust me, that must mean I'm a horrible companion, that must mean and it's actually not the not getting up on time that's that's damaging, actually.

SPEAKER_02 50:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:37

If we would just leave it at that and be like, oh guess what? I didn't get up on time, I'm gonna try again tomorrow. I'm a human person, I must have needed that. It's okay, that makes sense. What happens is you take that information and then you change and you grow. But we bury, they bury themselves with I call it the missionary spiral, which is the meaning making that we add on. So now we're not just feeling guilty, but we feel shame about our guilt and frustration about our shame about our guilt, and now we're depressed about our shame about our frustration about our guilt. And so someone who's gone through my program knows how to save off the meaning making and just let themselves be a human person. It's this interesting idea on the mission that somehow I've talked to missionaries who was like, I d I thought I was gonna be like a superwoman or a superman, yeah, and just feel the spirit all the time and always meet my goals. And there's some we think that somehow that that there's not gonna be a human element, that it's gonna only be spiritual. But your human self is the one that carries your spirit, so it's both.

SPEAKER_04 51:46

It's powerful. I love the idea of as Dan Sullivan would say, thinking about our thinking. You know, when you're and so I was using the word judgment, you're saying the meaning making of how people go through that. Because if people aren't consciously going through thinking about they're just experiencing it, like it's reactive. But when they pull back and they can use their agency, which is the greatest and only power we have in the sense that uh it's the one thing that's truly ours, then we can pull back and look down at our own thought process. And it sounds like, by the way, I pulled out the same concept of validation acknowledgement. Like, you know, so if I get up late, I must have needed that. You know? And if I keep getting up late, what does that mean? What does that mean? Well, maybe it just means that you're, you know, it could mean a lot of things, but thinking about it is so different. I think that oftentimes we confuse the idea that there's a body and a spirit in our soul. We forget this third component that you've hit upon repeatedly. It's that there's a mind, there's a body and a spirit, and they all overlap in so many ways that it's hard to distinguish those, but there are uniquely individualistic elements to all three. There's parts where they connect. Like I can affect my mind and my spirit through my body by how I treat it. I can also affect my body and my spirit through my mind, and I can also affect my mind and my body through my spirit. So like understanding that and just being almost like a third party to our existence and thinking about our thinking and being aware of these things, and then with the right guidance that you provide. So let's

Resources Programs And How To Reach Jenny

SPEAKER_04 53:18

get into it. Let's let's I I have a rapid fire set of questions. Oh, good, okay. The first one is I we'll have, I think we hit it before, but let's just hit it one more time. Your podcast, um, the main courses that you are you're seeing a lot of effectiveness in, and then I'll put all that in the show notes.

SPEAKER_00 53:34

Okay, perfect. So my podcast is just called the LDS Mission Podcast. If you search mission, you'll find it. So it pops right up. Um, my website is jennydeline.com. Um, my Instagram is at jenny.the LDS Mission Coach. I have um a program for preparing missionaries. It's a group program. So kind of picture like the online MTC, but all for your mindset and emotional well-being. There is no question that's off the table. Any question goes. If you're worried about your girlfriend, if you're worried you're gonna be anxious, if you're worried you're gonna hate your companion, we talk about all of that stuff, which you don't always feel like you can ask those questions once you're there. So we get all of that taken care of. And then I work one-on-one with missionaries after they come home. If you need some help or assistance with um a missionary out in the field, I always offer a free strategy call just where you and I can talk and I can say, like, what's going on? How can we help your missionary? And um so that actually sometimes just having the parent kind of know, get some tools and strategies that that really helps those missionaries out in the field.

SPEAKER_04 54:51

So yes, I'm a huge fan of what you do. I if you guys I I know Jenny, I if you guys have any thoughts of like maybe I should reach out to her, just do it. She will serve you and help you, and what she provides is a much needed service. Um, all right, so last questions.

Temples Ancestors And Everyday Sacred

SPEAKER_04 55:09

Temple bound, where what's your favorite temple?

SPEAKER_00 55:13

Oh gosh. Um well, I feel like you know, I have like a um a soft spot in my heart for the Idaho Falls temple.

SPEAKER_02 55:25

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 55:26

I never I didn't get married there, but like all of my family roots are back there. My parents got married, my grandparents got married, my you know, on both sides of the family. So um I think that that I don't actually know if I've ever done a session, but that's what came to mind first there in that temple. But that's what came to mind first is like that's kind of my roots are there.

SPEAKER_04 55:48

I love that. Speaking of ancestry, who's someone who's no longer living that has had a significant impact in your life?

SPEAKER_00 55:57

Well, I could for sure go to some of my um gosh, there's so many like ideas flooding in my mind right now. But let's see. Um I'm related to Edward Partridge.

SPEAKER_02 56:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 56:15

And um for some reason I've always had like a really I don't know, I just have like a I mean I can even feel it like when I'm talking about it, just have like a um a connection to him that I don't know, but one at one point I was in Nauvoo and my mom is way into family history, by the way. That's all she does every day, every single day is family history. And I was in Nauvoo just like for fun. I think I we went to see the temple when it was built back then, the open house, and and I was just walking in the cemetery. I love cemeteries, and I was walking in the cemetery and I was like, Here's Edward Partridge. And my mom was like, Well, Jenny, you should have known he was there, but I didn't. And I don't know, I just have always he wrote one of my favorite hymns. So it's also there's just something about that.

SPEAKER_02 57:08

What hymn?

SPEAKER_00 57:10

What's that? Oh, um, let Zion and her beauty rise.

SPEAKER_04 57:13

Wow. Beautiful. What a cool story. I love that connection. Okay, last question. You know, the show is temple, but it's also family history, so your mom would love this episode. The last question is the family history question, which is just simply for you at a chance to speak to your descendants. It's not lost on me that you even as you have your own podcast, so they're gonna see lots of versions of you, but how often are you gonna be asked a question in a way that you can speak to them directly? What would you want your descendants to know about your love of the gospel and and what you're doing now to help serve uh members of the church?

SPEAKER_00 57:47

I guess the thing that comes to mind is um what you're doing matters. And it doesn't always matter in the way we think it matters. Like we think like this, if I do this, this is gonna earn me something or it's gonna um it's gonna make me like, you know, lovable or more popular or whatever, but like all of it matters. All of it matters. I have this one podcast episode called Everyday Sacred. And it's just this idea is that this human experience that we all get to have is sacred every day. And there's some highs and there's some lows, and thank goodness that we have uh savior. I like to think of the word alchemize. He alchemizes all of it, he changes it into something different, he changes it into growth, he changes it into transformation. It's the miracle, right?

unknown 58:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 58:59

Jenny, thank you so much for being on the show. It was a wonderful discussion. I sure appreciate you taking time to be with us.

SPEAKER_00 59:05

It's been such a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.

Final Encouragement And Share Request

SPEAKER_04 59:09

And thank you all for listening to Temple Bounds episode today. We're so grateful for uh your time here. If you've made it to this part of the show, please reach out to Jenny if any of this spoke to you. And I just want to remind all of you that if you're feeling as you're going through this covenant path like things aren't going right. I just want to say, we see you, and this is normal. And why wouldn't it be hard? All the things that Jenny taught us today, so that as you're going through that covenant path, you can remember the most important thing of all is that you are special because you are his. So never give up until next time. July is missionary month on Temple Bound. Think of one person who needs this: a missionary in the field, someone packing for the MTC, or a parent watching their child get ready to go or come home. Go ahead and send them this episode, because one listener, one sharer, one missionary drawn is a little bit closer to Christ.

SPEAKER_03 59:58

Temple Bound is brought to you by the Light on a Hill Foundation, a nonprofit aimed at building and strengthening families across the globe. Produced by Heather Humphreys, with show notes and social media managed by Isabel Dizon and Kimberly Simvefon. Wardrobe by Anne Collar. These views and opinions expressed by the host and guests are on their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. Thank you for joining us today as we continue learning, growing, and striving to bind our lives closer to Savior. Until next time.