The Ornament I Forgot: On Gratitude, Regret, and Waking Up to What Matters

This week, I couldn't lock in a guest—and honestly, I've been struggling to lock in much of anything lately. Backsliding on habits, drowning in self-blame, stuck in the gap between where I am and where I want to be.

Then, while decorating the Christmas tree, I realized I'd completely forgotten one of my son's ornaments. The one he made at five years old. The one with his tiny handprint pressed into paint. He's 19 now. He's moved out. That time is gone.

In this solo episode, I explore:

• The cruel irony of finally waking up to what matters while everyone around you is on screens
• Why holiday traditions are more than corporate capitalism—they're markers that say "this matters, these people matter"
• How Leonard Cohen's "Anthem" taught me to forget my perfect offering and ring the bells that still can ring
• What it means to practice gratitude not as toxic positivity, but as returning—again and again—to what's real
• How to hold creative work (like this podcast) with mindfulness instead of getting lost in numbers and ego

I share what I'm genuinely grateful for: my wife's patience through financial hardship, my kids' loving hearts, the four guests who've trusted me with their stories, the miracles hiding in plain sight (like a full rainbow on a delivery day).

This isn't about maintaining gratitude in adversity. It's about returning to it. Coming back. That's the practice.

Featuring readings from Leonard Cohen's "Anthem," 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, and closing with Thich Nhat Hanh's reminder that the real miracle isn't walking on water—it's walking on earth.

If you're in the gap too, I'd love to hear from you.

—

📬 Share your story: Leave a comment or review—I read every one

🎙️ Previous guests: My mom on forgiveness, Kate on surviving abuse, Rafi on loss and art, my brother on gentle spirits in a harsh world

🙏 Gratitude: Thank you for walking on this earth with me

Transcript

The Ornament Story

Rituals That Mark Time

The Reversal

Waking Up While Others Sleep

Ring the Bells That Still Can Ring

What I'm Grateful For

The Podcast Paradox

Returning, Not Maintaining

Walking on Earth

Jacob 0:02

And I looked at it as I held it in my hand, and I completely forgot it. I didn't remember that this existed, that he made this for the tree, for the family, for us. And I thought to myself, what kind of a father could possibly forget something so incredibly beautiful? You know, he's move he's moved out now. That time is gone. This is your host, Jacob. It is a pleasure to be back with everyone listening. And out of the gate, I just want to say I am grateful to everyone who is listening. The fact that I get to do this at all, I'm incredibly grateful for. I couldn't lock in a guest this week, so I thought, you know, another solo episode would be all right. And with it being Thanksgiving, at least last week, um I wanted to talk about gratitude a little bit, some things I'm grateful for on this episode. I couldn't lock in a guest, and honestly, lately I've been struggling to lock in much of anything lately. Just a brief life update. There's been a little bit of backsliding on my part in terms of nutrition and um, you know, exercising and training. There's been a little bit of a lull in my job search with my anxiety looking for work. And it transitions into a self-blame spiral with me. I get in my own head sometimes, and there's this tension of can I be grateful and practice gratitude when I'm also drowning in my own regret or my own self negative self-talk. And it started well, it didn't start, but uh within the last week, we do our family tradition of setting up the Christmas tree and putting the ornaments on the tree and decorating it. And my oldest son Trent, he moved out of the house last year in November. So last year we set the tree up without him for the first time, and that was a little emotional for me. This year, same thing. However, this year, something really interesting happened and heart-wrenching. My wife, you know, she's she splits up the ornaments, uh, Trent's ornaments, so we can all put them on the tree for him. And there's three of them. And somehow I only thought there was two. And my wife kind of looked at me like, no, he's always had three. And I thought, how could I forget something so precious? You know? Um, the third ornament that I forgot is one that he made when he was five years old in kindergarten. And it's this little golden ornament, and he when he was five years old, he dipped his hand into this white paint, and he put his beautiful little five-year-old hand on the ornament, so you could see his handprint, and then he painted these cute little snowmen on the ornament, and and it was just so beautiful and gorgeous. And I looked at it as I held it in my hand, and I completely forgot it. I didn't remember that this existed, that he made this for the tree, for the family, for us. And I thought to myself, what kind of a father could possibly forget something so incredibly beautiful? You know, he's move he's moved out now. That time is gone. And I just man, practicing mindfulness and being more present with your life, with yourself, with others, it's a powerful thing, but it will also shine the light in areas that have been in darkness for a while. And one of those areas that's been in darkness is holiday traditions. Ever since I was a kid, I enjoyed, I really enjoy the holidays. I've always loved Christmas since I was a kid, but at a certain point, it became more about, I don't know, a little bit more about the gifts and the and just the fun, and less about appreciating that which matters, my family, my relationships with others. And I don't know how I I think I think it started when I I started to grow, um, not only grow up, but age as time went on. I'm holding this ornament in my hand and I'm like, I don't remember this ornament. How could I not remember my five-year-olds, my you know, my oldest son, he's 19 now, but when he was five, he made this beautiful little ornament. How could I forget it? It crushed me, crushed me. And I was just so busted up about it. These rituals mark time. They say this matters. These people matter. And I had lost the forest for the trees, not to use too many metaphors, but i in looking at, you know, the gift side of things and kind of dismissing the holiday as this corporate holiday. But that that's one thing that cultivating mindfulness will do for you, like I mentioned earlier, is it will shine a light on things that really matter, and that sometimes that light will be shined on memories past that you've neglected. They will come up and you will face them. And there's this weird paradox where you can't go back in time and change things, but you can be here now with them. Staying present with these hard thoughts instead of me pushing them away. I'm embracing them. Yes, I didn't take the holiday that serious, and thank God for my wife who did and does. Every year she gets so excited to put the tree up and to decorate it. And I've always taken part in it and I've always loved it, but there's always a part of me that's like, you know, this is just a silly thing. I mean, I didn't think of it as a silly thing. I don't know, I just never thought much of it at all, I suppose. But now, this year especially, I'm looking at it closely and I'm like, man, time is precious. It was just like the first episode of this podcast. I started it because I realized that time is going on without you, whether you are aware of it or not. When I turned 42, I realized another year has gone by that I've procrastinated. So I hit record and I started. And now it's like I'm remembering that with everything. These holidays are not going to be here forever. You are not going to be here forever. And these holidays are these little markers that remind you to be here. Be here now, be present with what is. Those loved ones in your life. Some of you have lost them, so you understand how important it is. But this is a lesson that I'm still learning. And the irony of my journey is that when I was younger, I was more obsessed with my hobbies. And I neglected my family. I wasn't fully present, not only with my own life, but others, my family, my friends. I was there, but I wasn't fully present. I wasn't fully with them in what I was doing. I was more into myself and my own interests. And I think that's part of the natural journey we we go through as humans. You know, you start out young and you're just looking out for number one, you know, and you you have some selflessness about you, but a lot of it is like, what can I experience? What can I do? And um make a name for myself. But as you age, you start to realize that those things, those external things, don't bring you full happiness, you know, a sense of feeling complete. And now that I'm 42, practicing mindfulness, I'm more aware, I'm I'm wanting that connection with other people. I have a genuine interest in others, in what they have to say, in what they are going through. And I understand how precious time is. And there's this cruel irony that when you finally understand how important it is to truly be with your life in fine detail, you start to notice a lot of people these days are on screens. They're in, they're still in their own, uh, I don't know what the respectful way to say it is. It's like you can when you start to wake up, you start to realize when others are still sort of asleep on autopilot. And I don't mean this in a judgmental way, because it's real easy when you start practicing mindfulness to go around and not even notice your own thoughts again, saying, Oh, look at that person completely unmindful, you know, or look at that person totally unaware of what they're doing. It's real easy to fall into that. But the irony is there that you are then becoming uh unmindful yourself as you judge others. And that's not what I'm getting at. When you when you practice being present, you will start to notice when others are not. And it's not your place to sit to try to wake people up to their own lives. That's not your place. What you what you what you want to do is be present for them. To give them a space where you are fully interested in what they're saying, with no ulterior motives, you are lost completely in what they are saying, what they are experiencing, the real definition of compassion. And it's it's this weird irony, again, where you start to notice how distracted everyone is, and you feel empathy for them and you feel compassion for them. And again, it's not your place to through words to try to get them to wake up, but to share your wakefulness, your presence with them. And by proxy, it's very contagious. They'll feel heard, they'll feel seen because they are heard and seen when you give them your full attention. So in these family gatherings, these occasional holidays we get together because we're all so busy these days. I've noticed that we're not fully there with each other. This last Thanksgiving we spent with my family was wonderful. You know, we for about an hour we sat with each other and had food, maybe less than an hour. But then after that, you know, we my family likes to pop on a movie, and they just popped on a like a Medea movie, and everybody was real sleepy after the food. I guess that's forgivable. But then after that, we all went our separate ways. It was over so fast. It was just like a blip. It's like this weird irony. You reach out when others are tuning out sometimes. And it's like, man, that's it's funny. My mom used to berate me when I was younger for using the computer too much. I was so into my PC gaming. And now that I'm older, I barely game at all on the PC, and she's got a computer in her pocket with a phone, and uh, you know, she's going through that same struggle now because they're super user-friendly and easy. You can just whip it out anytime. And everyone's struggling with that. We've all got a phone in our pocket. It's real easy to tune out, to get that next dopamine hit, to fill the moment with something. I don't want to call it grief, but it's like you start to wake up and really notice the texture of life. And you realize that you cannot change people. You can't wake, you can't put a desire in other people to be present in their lives. At least not willfully. You have to just be there for them. And then you I think you'll start to notice more wakefulness in people when you are yourself awake. Can you be grateful for your own awakening, even when it hurts? When you can't when you can't get back the years that you lost. I think back to all those Christmases where I was kinda there, but not really there fully. And I have to love myself. That's just part of the growing process, the waking up process, the birth pangs. Leonard Cohen in his song Anthem has some lyrics that speak to this. He says, The birds they sang at the break of day. Start again, I heard them say. Don't dwell on what has passed away or what is yet to be. Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. So, this is what you have right now, this breath, this day, and I'm grateful for it. I might be living in one of the most stressful and traumatic times of my life where I am, I have not, I have not known financial security for years. Years. At all times, my mind, my brain is in this hyper-vigilant state where I have to continually practice mindfulness to come back, to come back, to come back, to remember it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay. But I'm grateful. I'm appreciative of the now, in spite of these financial hard times. It's real easy for me to let those eclipse everything in my life, which I am grateful for. My wife, her patience during this rough patch, and my wife has been so patient through it. Very patient. I can't keep the cupboards. I can't keep the cupboards stocked like I want to. I can't I can't get the kids you know, birthday presents, uh I can't take them on vacation. I can't I don't remember the last time we had a vacation. And through all of it, my wife has been so patient. My kids have been so wonderful. I'm so grateful for them. They have these kind, loving hearts, and they find so much joy with what we do have. It's like they don't even know or care about what we don't have, which is good, it's wonderful. They've turned out so wonderful. I have these three little angels, how grateful I am for that. My family, my friends, they've all been so supportive of me through everything. My financial hard times, starting the podcast, God, being there for me countless times in the past. I had my my good buddy Raphael uh Rafi on uh a couple episodes ago, and he's been there for me more times than I can count. A couple years ago, when a lot of the financial hard times started, you know, they would show up with like I don't know, a new TV stand, the chair I'm sitting on right now. I mean, they were just just spontaneous. Just boom, just show up. Hey, here's a new chair. Thank you. My health. I'm grateful for my health. You know, I'm I'm grateful that that I have a job. You know, I'm grateful that my car with 200,000 miles on it is still going. Maybe not as strong as it used to, but it's still going. I still have a job right now, and I'm grateful for that. I'm incredibly grateful for starting a mindfulness practice. You know, three years ago, a little over three years ago now, I was at my lowest point, which I've spoken about on several episodes, especially the first one. And out of that lowest point, I somehow came across these spiritual teachers and these wisdom books that have connected me back to myself and to what matters, to others, grounded me in the present. They've they've reminded me to really feel the texture of life, the beauty of every moment. You know, the other day I was doing a delivery, another long day, and it was, I want to say it was around 3 30 or 4 30 p.m. and I dropped this order off to this customer, and I came back to the car, and there was this just the most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen, like a full rainbow all the way left to right, and I just stood there and took it all in. There's so many miracles all around us. We just gotta slow down and look. A little ornament that my son made me just slow down, slow down and look. You know, Paul in the New Testament said, Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. And he's not saying rejoice because circumstances are perfect, but because gratitude is how you stay awake to what's real. Gratitude is what brings you back to what is. If I complain, I'm only complaining about what I don't have, what isn't here. But gratitude, it grounds you in what is here, my breath, my family, an ornament with my my oldest son's little five-year-old hand printed on it as a little stamp and time. And I'm very grateful, very grateful for this podcast and the guests that I've had on it so far. I've only had four guests on this podcast, but they trusted me with their stories. This space that I've created on this show, they trusted me to come into it and share what they've experienced. They showed up and shared their lives. Just at a time when I needed connection, when I barely have time to do the podcast by myself, much less set up an interview. And I'm just grateful that I am starting to have people to want to come here and share the ups and the downs of life, the wisdom they've learned. It's incredible. That's why I created this podcast. That's my original hope. My intention for it is to create this space where we could bridge the um the perceived gap between our spiritual nature and everyday lived experiences. You know, we always read about spirituality as it's like this abstract thing, and it starts to get into woo-woo territory in some venues. But being spiritual means being with what is, the experiential nature of life, sharing that. It's not always in the church, you know, or the temple or the synagogue. It's just right here, right now. And even with this podcast, I have to hold it in mindfulness. I have to hold it lightly. Because originally I wanted to just sit down, hit record, and ship it. And then I realized as I created this podcast that I need to, I need to plan. I need to plan what I'm gonna say. Not overly, but you know, like a rough idea. And I need to not only do that and record it, but also edit. I had to learn how to edit a podcast. That was really hard for me. You know, when I first started, I thought, oh man, I'm just gonna say everything perfectly, and there's no point in editing. I actually thought that. I was like, man, why would I want to edit myself? It's me. I'm always gonna say the funniest, the best things ever. People are gonna love me. It's like, no, sometimes I ramble, you know, and I might say something that doesn't really serve the episode, and I don't learn how to cut that out. You know, I found myself the last couple of weeks as I've started to get better at promoting it, getting lost in the numbers. I'd pull up the apps. Oh, how many views today, how many listens today, you know? How is it how are the metrics on this app and that app and blah, blah, blah, and checking it several times a day? And it's like, yeah, to some degree, when you put on your marketer hat, you have to make sure that it's getting out there and getting seen. But at the same time, you can't become obsessed with numbers and metrics and the ego that goes with that. I started this podcast so that I could share my understanding of how I've personally bridged the abstract, the perceived abstractness of spirituality with everyday lived experiences so that we could wake up and be with our lives intimately. You know, I've heard people in Zen traditions say um enlightenment is intimacy with all things. I love that line. So I have to bring mindfulness even here to the podcast, make sure that I stay true to why I started this thing. And I'm not to pat myself on the back, but I think I've done a pretty good job at that because I feel anytime I start to get a little hooked on boosting numbers or reading, you know, coming up with the correct title for an episode, just getting lost in the minutiae, just remembering, come back, come back. Remember, this is about connection, not accumulation. And it it's like it goes back to what I was saying in the beginning. What matters isn't perfect execution, you know, like it what matters is not that I was a perfect dad all through my kids' life up till now. It's showing up now, noticing now, caring now. And maintaining gratitude in the middle of adversity. You know, maybe it's not about maintaining anything, but perhaps returning. I like that word better. Returning to gratitude, to presence, to what matters. Just keep coming back, keep coming back to gratitude again and again and again. Some days I will forget things like a precious ornament that my son created for me, and I'll spiral into self-blame. Some days I might check the download numbers too many times, but then I'll remember and I'll come back, and that's the practice. That's why it's called a practice. It's not perfection. This is what being human is all about. So if you listening are in this in a similar boat, or if you can relate to anything I've been saying, just remember. It's just about noticing and practicing this returning process, noticing these ordinary miracles in life. And I I'd love to hear from you guys. You know, if you want to comment or leave a review, I'd love to hear something perhaps important that you forgot, that you remembered, or things that you're grateful for. I really would. Just keep coming back. And I want to close out with a reading from my favorite, one of my favorite guys in the whole world, Zen Master Tiknot Han. He says, People usually consider walking on water or on thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk on water or on thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize. A blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the curious eyes of a child, our own two eyes. All is a miracle. Blessings to all of you walking on this earth with me. I am grateful for you. Have a wonderful rest of your day.