Every Day Something Is Dropped

Awareness is the greatest treasure in my life, and lately I've felt it getting covered up.

In this episode, I talk honestly about the habits that have been dulling that clarity — caffeine, late-night routines, social media, comfort habits, and the constant pull to stay stimulated.

This isn't a self-help episode, and it's not a grand declaration that I've fixed anything. It's more of a life update: a recognition that some habits don't need to be ripped away by force. Sometimes they're just ready to fall off when you finally value presence more than what's been covering it.

Along the way, I reflect on the Buddha, Jesus, Paul, Lao Tzu, Alan Watts, and Osho — all pointing, in different ways, toward the same thing: awareness isn't something you manufacture. It's what remains when the noise starts to drop.

Transcript

The Buddha on Presence

Awareness Is the Treasure

Caffeine, Habits & Mental Noise

The Skin Is Ready to Fall

Less, Not More

Watch Everything

Jacob 0:01

Let not a person revive the past, or on the future build his hopes. For the past has been left behind, and the future has not been reached. Instead, with insight, let him see each presently arisen state. Let him know that and be sure of it. Invincibly, unshakably. One who dwells thus ardently, relentlessly by day, by night, it is he, the peaceful sage has said, who has one fortunate attachment. Those opening words right there were spoken by the Buddha. And I wanted to open the episode with those words because this is uh going to be a little bit of a life update for me, like a habit update, uh, but also it's going to really stress, or I'm going to try to stress to you guys, you know, this is just what I'm going through. So I'm kind, I'm kind of trying to stress the importance that I hold awareness in my life. Awareness is like the greatest treasure you have in your life. It's your superpower. And um, the reason that I bring this up and that I open with that Buddhist quote is because when awareness takes a priority in your life, like an actual priority, not something you just nod your head to and say, that sounds good, but something that is really important to you, then um, as a priority, you don't want your awareness to be dispersed or covered up or shrouded in darkness by anything in life. And right now in my life, um, I'm at a point where I've uh I've been, you know, practicing meditation, practicing mindfulness and aware um awareness on a daily basis, not just uh sitting on a cushion in the morning for 30 minutes, but like actively throughout my day, um, actively while I uh do the habits that I do, because we are all creatures of habit. We're all human beings and we run on routine, on habit. And most of the time we have habits that we are barely aware of, or if we are, we think about them for a little while and how hard it would be to quit that habit and we look away from it. And when I talk about habits or quitting habits, um, I play a dangerous game of getting really close to sounding like a self-help podcast, which this is not. I can assure you of that. I'm not here to tell you that you should quit your vices or um that this or that is bad for you. I'm only speaking from my experience. So to start things off, obviously, as I mentioned before, awareness has been a saving grace in my life. It is, it is something that found me that I kind of always practice a little bit as a as a as a youth and without even realizing it. I think all of us do to some degree, but um, when you go through a lot of trauma or tragedy in your life, it's something that can really wake you up. You know, there's that verse from Jesus um on the uh Sermon of the Mount where he says, Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. There's nothing like mourning to really bring you into the present, you know, or experiencing suffering. And for me, I've noticed, like I mentioned before, that my mindfulness or my awareness, which I hold in in high esteem, has been feeling scattered or covered or shrouded lately. And for me, a big part of that has been my caffeine consumption. Uh, for for some of my middle-age gamers, oh uh, maybe even the younger ones out there listening, you might be familiar with a game called Chrono Trigger from the 90s. Now, when that game came out, which I think was like 94, 95, I was probably in fifth or sixth, maybe seventh grade, and I was chugging um two liters of Mountain Dew, you know, over the course of a night with my friends, eating nothing but hot tamales and playing video games. And it I was just having a blast, you know, and I wasn't very mindful of how it made me feel or the sugar crashes or the way that um that it interfered with my sleep. But later in life, you know, cultivating awareness, you can look back on that and say, wow, that was not a good thing. But now here I am in my 40s and I still consume energy drinks in the morning. I think most people love caffeine, it's just part of our daily life. But the one thing that not a lot of people know about caffeine is that it has a very euphoric uh effect on the mind. Not just energy, but euphoria, a good feeling. Uh, anyone who's quit caffeine for any significant amount of time knows this when you go back to it, you just feel unstoppable. Uh, even after you adapt to it, it makes you feel literally stronger in the gym. Um, for those uh barbell fanatics like me, uh, there's something called RPE or rate of perceived exertion. And caffeine can actually make it feel as if you are lifting weight that feels lighter. You can get extra reps out of it. So it's a real thing, it's a powerful thing. And um basically for me, I used to keep caffeine pretty well contained in the morning hours, but as of recently, it's gone a little bit beyond that, where I've had a few um low caffeinated beverages during the evening. But long story short, I I basically am at a point now where I'm noticing that caffeine is causing me a lot of anxiety, which is leading to racing thoughts, scattered thoughts, scattered focus. Uh, when it comes to awareness and mindfulness, it is so much more than just concentration, but concentration is a part of that. If your mind is jumping from one thing to the next without you being aware of it, it can cause scatter brain, it can cause irritability, and I am noticing all of these things. The same applies to my video game habits. As I mentioned, I've always been a gamer. Although recent years I've kind of lost a lot of interest in gaming, but I still play competitive esports online against other humans, and I enjoy that. It's an activity I share with my wife too, so it's kind of held on. But even that, I've noticed the effect it has on me. Playing a competitive game uh for even just an hour or two hours a day can have a big effect on you. And um, you know, I I don't want to go through each and every habit that I have in my life, but I've gotten to a point now where my awareness, uh, which I practice like again, I I practice awareness uh in a committed way. You know, it's it's something that I've come to treasure. It's not awareness is not something, and this is really the heart of this episode that I want to drill into you guys, uh, at least in my experience, is that awareness is not something that I need to force or control or construct. It's there, it's just there. It's always been there. Uh to quote Jesus, you know, before Abraham was born, I am. And um, that I am or awareness that is in all of us gets covered up by external things, uh, the things in the world. And when we seek the external pleasures of the world, confusing it for happiness, that is when great misery can start to compound and and compile and build up uh in your life. And I don't like that. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling dependent on energy drinks or a little bit of cannabis at the end of the day, or a TV, you know, TV binging every day or video. I don't like it. If anything, it's like I I just love being aware and being present more than anything. And when that gets covered up, I feel icky. And um, that's how I feel right now, basically. So I just wanted to talk uh a little bit about the effects that it's been having on me as well, because I am going to I'm in a place now, like the last episode I did was called This You Can't Rip the Skin from a Snake, right? And even though I've been practicing mindfulness, meditating, there's a lot of habits that I have not been able to kick. And I've noticed that the more I try to force the habit away, the stronger it stays. I think the metaphor I used last episode was a Chinese finger trap, right? So I'm at the point now, though, where I feel that the habits are ready to fall away. And it just requires a little nudge for me to shake the skin off. I thought of a funny meta metaphor while I was driving this morning. It's like when you have to go to the bathroom, like number two, you can't force it, right? You kind of have to like relax a little bit until there's that moment where you just know it's ready and then you finish the job, right? So I kind of feel like that with my habits right now. Like I'm still going through the motions of having energy drinks or relaxing at the end of the night with this or that. And it's like, I really don't need them anymore. And I never really did. And I think that's the realization that I've had is that my awareness is my greatest treasure. And I've realized that you with the external pleasures, when you confuse that for happiness, um, it's kind of sad because there is a big difference between pleasure and happiness. And when I am sober and when I am calm and I'm not buzzed out on caffeine or super doped out and relaxed, uh, or inebriated with alcohol or just dumbed out with the TV. Well, you know, when I'm collected and centered, I feel good. And that's how I want to feel um, you know, more and more in my life. So I'm not gonna make some grand declaration that I'm never gonna have caffeine again, but right now I am quitting caffeine and I'm quitting caffeine indefinitely. Knowing me, I probably won't go back to it. But I like I've mentioned in uh episodes of past, uh, you don't want to tell the devil your plans. If you tell the devil that you're quitting caffeine for good, he's gonna present to you the fact that you're gonna have to face thousands and thousands of days without it. Whereas if you just say, today I'm quitting, well, it's not so bad, is it? So I'm gonna taper off this week, but these habits of mine, not only have they been covering up my awareness, but I notice with my lack of clarity, um, I I've been not able to produce the quality of episodes that I've wanted to. And I'm still proud and stand by every episode I've done thus far, but um I need to take this podcast in different directions too, with interviewing guests and things like that. So I need to be very clear, very focused, very present. I need to feel good. But I bring this up to you guys because um it's really something where you can't look at quitting your habit as this bad thing that'll be good for you in the long run. You've got to look at uh you've got to look at it like you value your sobriety more than everything. I look at the little picture uh or the picture of my little daughter, uh, when she she's 12 now, but when she was uh younger, she was like a year or two old, we took this adorable photo of her with these big googly eyes, and I look at that picture every time I go into the fridge for something um less than uh nutritious for my body, and I think to myself, is what I'm about to put in my body going to extend my life or shorten it? And how will that affect my daughter? How will the the habits that I'm engaging in affect my family and my friends, you know, in in the future or even the present right now? And um it's just something that it's gotten to a point where it's like the time has just come, basically. The skin is ready to to fall off uh the snake, essentially. I mean, even this podcast, um my awareness or peace has been disturbed by the process of starting this podcast. I've held myself to a weekly deadline to make sure I get episodes out every week. I feel like that's a comfortable amount of time for me to produce uh a good level of quality of content. Uh social media has been a big challenge for me as well with the podcast because if you want to promote a podcast in the present, uh 2026, you have to go on the social media sites. And I'm not a fan of social media, it makes me nauseous, it makes me sick. Um, here I am trying to cultivate mindfulness and awareness in my life, and and social media is like this dopamine addiction in your pocket. Anytime you're bored whatsoever, you could just pull your phone out. Have you guys ever tried that where you just look at your uh phone habit? How often do you have to reach for your phone, you know, to fill the moment with something? And it it just became between my my lingering habits, which I've wanted to quit for a while and been unable to, and the um the the building complexity of the podcast in terms of social media, I just said, okay, I need to like wipe the board clean and and redo things. But again, the only way you can do it without forcing it and falling into that self-help trope is to value what you gain by uncovering uh the thing that you're covering up, which is always the present moment, you know, we're always running from it. Um so you know, that's the bulk of the message I wanted to say today, basically, because gosh, when I go on social media, you know, it's tough. I don't know the first thing about social media. So I defer to you know, AI for suggestions on how to word something or how to do a thumbnail. Uh, when it comes to audio only, nobody really cares on YouTube. So I'm trying to get more video interviews too. That's a whole nother thing. But I can't do that if I'm not centered and sober and clear-headed. Um, I'm trying to build my awareness, not uh toy with it and and and you know, distort it. Um I I think back to teachers like Ramana Maharshi, um, a realized being from India, who said, try to be less, not more, you know, like when Jesus said, sell everything you own uh and follow me, or give everything you own to the poor and follow me. Uh I I wrote, I brought a couple of verses and a couple of teachings here to to amplify what I'm talking about here. Uh, for example, in Philippians, uh, you know, in in the uh Christian tradition, there's something called kenosis, which is like the self-emptying of the Godhead. Uh, and he writes, Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, assuming human likeness, and being found in appearance as a human, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. So here you have an example where Paul, in his letter to the Philippians, is saying, you know, let this mind or attitude be in you, where less is more, right? You don't have to be more and more and you know, build yourself up to something, but uh empty yourself. It that's why they they say Jesus has like the upside-down kingdom, because he doesn't value what the material world values. So I'm I'm trying to, I guess, be less. Like, you know, I I I want to be um somebody who is not hyped up on caffeine all the time. I'm I want to be somebody who um is there for people when they need it, you know. I want to I want to be uh more able-bodied, able-minded through good nutrition, good habits. I want to be around for a long time to help my kids and grandkids out when they need it. Um, you know, the this same teaching is the is echoed in um in China about five or six centuries before Jesus by Lao Tzu, who wrote very similar words to what Paul just wrote about Jesus. He says, uh the great Tao flows everywhere. All things are born from it, yet it doesn't create them. It pours itself into its work, yet it makes no claim. It nourishes infinite worlds, yet it doesn't hold on to them. Since it is merged with all things and hidden in their hearts, it can be called humble. And since all things vanish into it and it alone endures, it can be called great. And it isn't aware of its greatness, thus it is truly great. So again, this whole thing that I'm trying to talk about on this episode is that your awareness or your mindfulness is not something that you build or construct or you have to work towards or even um even practice building or anything like that. It's something that you uncover. It's always been there. Practice is essentially just sitting and being less. When I sit on a cushion in the morning, I am practicing being less, which is more, if that makes sense. Um it reminds me of another verse that uh Lao Tzu wrote in the Tao De Ching. He says, in pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. But in the pursuit of the Tao, every day something is dropped. So that's really the main the main thing. Um it also reminded me of an analogy from Alan Watts where he talks about the idea of um the word clear. You can think of clear as both completely transparent, like a lens that's been completely wiped free of any smudges. Clear can also mean something that is completely in focus, right? Very detailed and enunciated. And in that same fashion, if I am clear free of these excessive cravings that are pulling me this way or averting me from uh like if for example, if I am uh just in the living room and I have nothing to do at the moment, and my son wants to show me something, am I not averted to that or averted to being bored where I feel like I have to reach for my phone? You know, can I be present in in in all circumstances and practice that to be completely clear, to get out of my own way, to clear out the uh the mental noise that we we see the world through as this dirty filter, if that makes sense. Um it it it's just every tradition that that's what I do on this podcast. I pull traditions from different people from different places and different times and show you how they all say the same thing. Um, Jesus, this I say to you, I say to all, stay awake, stay alert, don't fall asleep, you know. And I'm not doing it in a self-help, forceful, uh fake motivational speaker way. I'm doing it because I want to be aware, I want to be clear, and I value that more than the little kick I get from having a monster in the morning or a puff on the pipe at the end of the day, um, or zoned out while I'm watching the 15th Netflix show in my queue. You know, I just want to be uh aware and alert of my life before I'm dead. Not to be morbid. I'm gonna be 43 this year. I don't want to waste any more of my life if I can help it. So I'm starting small, I'm starting with caffeine and um, you know, my video game and TV and nighttime habits, and then I'll work my way out from there and I'll give you guys updates. So keep an eye out for that. To close out, I want to read you something from Osho, where he just he he's so eloquent with his words, and it doesn't do it justice for me to read his words, uh, but the message will come through regardless. If you've never heard of Osho, check him out on YouTube. Uh, he's an old uh mystic from the 90s, uh, very controversial figure, but that's another story, which maybe I'll do an episode on. But when you watch this guy, watch his eyes, they are awake, wide open, alert. He barely blinks, and he looks right into your soul, even from a video recorded in the 90s, and here he is talking about awareness and the bliss that comes from it. Osho says, he watches, he is clear. The only thing that he has to learn is to be watchful. Watch. Watch every act you do, watch every thought that passes in your mind, watch every desire. That takes possession of you. Watch even the small gestures like walking, talking, eating, taking a bath. Go on watching everything. Let everything become an opportunity to watch. And when you watch, a clarity arises. Why does clarity arise out of watchfulness? Because the more watchful you become, the more all your hastiness slows down. You become more graceful. As you watch, your chattering mind chatters less. Because the energy that was becoming chattering is turning and becoming watchfulness. It is the same energy. Now, more and more energy will be transformed into watchfulness, and the mind will not get its nourishment. Thoughts will start becoming thinner. They will start losing weight. Slowly, slowly they will start dying. And as thoughts start dying, clarity arises. Now your mind becomes a mirror. And when one is clear, one is blissful. Confusion is the root cause of misery. It is clarity that is the foundation of blissfulness. See you next time, guys. Thanks for listening.