{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":0.32,"endTime":3.0,"body":"They say you never forget your first love."},{"startTime":3.28,"endTime":4.76,"body":"And maybe that's true."},{"startTime":5.08,"endTime":9.055,"body":"Not because it was the most important"},{"startTime":5.08,"endTime":9.055,"body":"relationship of your life, not because it"},{"startTime":9.08,"endTime":13.135,"body":"was the most perfect, but because it had a"},{"startTime":9.08,"endTime":13.135,"body":"kind of intensity that later"},{"startTime":13.16,"endTime":15.04,"body":"relationships rarely match."},{"startTime":15.52,"endTime":20.0,"body":"Even years afterwards, you might find"},{"startTime":15.52,"endTime":20.0,"body":"yourself unexpectedly reminded of it."},{"startTime":20.28,"endTime":24.96,"body":"A name, a song, a face in a crowd"},{"startTime":20.28,"endTime":24.96,"body":"that looks a little too familiar."},{"startTime":25.4,"endTime":29.255,"body":"And suddenly, you're transported back to"},{"startTime":25.4,"endTime":29.255,"body":"that moment when everything felt"},{"startTime":29.28,"endTime":31.36,"body":"new and a little overwhelming."},{"startTime":31.88,"endTime":35.695,"body":"First love often arrives suddenly before"},{"startTime":31.88,"endTime":35.695,"body":"you're really ready, and"},{"startTime":35.72,"endTime":37.04,"body":"that's why it stays with you."},{"startTime":37.24,"endTime":42.92,"body":"The intensity of it, the awkwardness, the"},{"startTime":37.24,"endTime":42.92,"body":"uncertainty, all of that leaves a mark."},{"startTime":43.28,"endTime":47.775,"body":"Hello, and welcome back to English and"},{"startTime":43.28,"endTime":47.775,"body":"Beyond, the Advanced English podcast,"},{"startTime":47.8,"endTime":51.375,"body":"where we explore culture, ideas, and"},{"startTime":47.8,"endTime":51.375,"body":"personal stories through"},{"startTime":51.4,"endTime":52.36,"body":"natural conversation."},{"startTime":52.8,"endTime":57.615,"body":"I'm Oliver, an English, Spanish, and Latin"},{"startTime":52.8,"endTime":57.615,"body":"teacher from the UK, and as always, you"},{"startTime":57.64,"endTime":60.775,"body":"can find the free transcript of this"},{"startTime":57.64,"endTime":60.775,"body":"episode plus vocabulary"},{"startTime":60.8,"endTime":63.32,"body":"flashcards at morethanalanguage."},{"startTime":60.8,"endTime":63.32,"body":"com."},{"startTime":64.32,"endTime":68.68,"body":"So, returning to the topic, of course,"},{"startTime":64.32,"endTime":68.68,"body":"first love doesn't always look the same."},{"startTime":68.88,"endTime":72.92,"body":"For some, it's a fleeting holiday romance"},{"startTime":68.88,"endTime":72.92,"body":"that feels almost cinematic"},{"startTime":73.32,"endTime":74.68,"body":"because it's so brief."},{"startTime":74.96,"endTime":79.495,"body":"For others, it's a nervous kiss at a"},{"startTime":74.96,"endTime":79.495,"body":"school disco, more awkward than"},{"startTime":79.52,"endTime":82.0,"body":"romantic, but unforgettable all the same."},{"startTime":82.44,"endTime":87.08,"body":"And for many, especially for those who"},{"startTime":82.44,"endTime":87.08,"body":"didn't follow the usual teenage path,"},{"startTime":87.52,"endTime":91.52,"body":"first love arrives later,"},{"startTime":87.52,"endTime":91.52,"body":"delayed, but no less powerful."},{"startTime":91.96,"endTime":97.2,"body":"However it comes, it has a way of shaping"},{"startTime":91.96,"endTime":97.2,"body":"us, of teaching us something about desire,"},{"startTime":97.24,"endTime":99.44,"body":"about disappointment, and about ourselves."},{"startTime":100.0,"endTime":103.855,"body":"Sometimes, it's not even about the person"},{"startTime":100.0,"endTime":103.855,"body":"at all, but about who"},{"startTime":103.88,"endTime":105.52,"body":"we were at that moment."},{"startTime":105.72,"endTime":110.615,"body":"Insecure, almost certainly, maybe"},{"startTime":105.72,"endTime":110.615,"body":"idealistic too, still figuring"},{"startTime":110.64,"endTime":112.48,"body":"out what love might mean."},{"startTime":112.96,"endTime":117.52,"body":"What's striking is how these early"},{"startTime":112.96,"endTime":117.52,"body":"experiences never quite leave us."},{"startTime":117.88,"endTime":122.575,"body":"Even if the relationship lasted only"},{"startTime":117.88,"endTime":122.575,"body":"week, or even if it never really"},{"startTime":122.6,"endTime":125.36,"body":"began, the memory remains vivid."},{"startTime":125.8,"endTime":130.095,"body":"Years later, you might bump into someone"},{"startTime":125.8,"endTime":130.095,"body":"who reminds you of that first love, and"},{"startTime":130.12,"endTime":134.32,"body":"your pulse still quickens, even though"},{"startTime":130.12,"endTime":134.32,"body":"the feelings themselves have long gone."},{"startTime":134.84,"endTime":138.96,"body":"In a sense, first love belongs as"},{"startTime":134.84,"endTime":138.96,"body":"much to the imagination as to reality."},{"startTime":139.4,"endTime":143.815,"body":"We remember it through a haze of"},{"startTime":139.4,"endTime":143.815,"body":"exaggeration, nostalgia, and selective"},{"startTime":143.84,"endTime":147.36,"body":"memory, but that doesn't"},{"startTime":143.84,"endTime":147.36,"body":"make it feel any less true."},{"startTime":147.96,"endTime":151.855,"body":"In this episode, we're going to revisit"},{"startTime":147.96,"endTime":151.855,"body":"some of those memories, the crushes that"},{"startTime":151.88,"endTime":156.815,"body":"felt larger than life, the kisses that"},{"startTime":151.88,"endTime":156.815,"body":"confirmed or confused everything, and the"},{"startTime":156.84,"endTime":160.12,"body":"romances that burned brightly"},{"startTime":156.84,"endTime":160.12,"body":"before reality caught up."},{"startTime":160.48,"endTime":164.535,"body":"They're funny, they're awkward, they're"},{"startTime":160.48,"endTime":164.535,"body":"sometimes bitter sweet, but they all"},{"startTime":164.56,"endTime":169.32,"body":"remind us why first love, whatever"},{"startTime":164.56,"endTime":169.32,"body":"form it takes, is so hard to forget."},{"startTime":169.8,"endTime":174.36,"body":"And perhaps, more importantly, they remind"},{"startTime":169.8,"endTime":174.36,"body":"us of who we were when it happened,"},{"startTime":174.8,"endTime":176.72,"body":"the younger versions of ourselves."},{"startTime":176.8,"endTime":180.6,"body":"And that might be the real reason"},{"startTime":176.8,"endTime":180.6,"body":"first love never leaves us."},{"startTime":180.92,"endTime":185.055,"body":"It's not only about the person we cared"},{"startTime":180.92,"endTime":185.055,"body":"for, but about the version of ourselves"},{"startTime":185.08,"endTime":190.055,"body":"that existed back then, younger,"},{"startTime":185.08,"endTime":190.055,"body":"unguarded, perhaps naive, but"},{"startTime":190.08,"endTime":192.12,"body":"open in a way we rarely are again."},{"startTime":192.44,"endTime":197.135,"body":"There's a sweetness to it, even when it"},{"startTime":192.44,"endTime":197.135,"body":"ended in disappointment, because it was"},{"startTime":197.16,"endTime":201.56,"body":"the first time we allowed ourselves to"},{"startTime":197.16,"endTime":201.56,"body":"be vulnerable, to feel those butterflies."},{"startTime":202.36,"endTime":206.68,"body":"In fact, maybe it's the wrong phrase,"},{"startTime":202.36,"endTime":206.68,"body":"we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable."},{"startTime":207.08,"endTime":210.0,"body":"Often when we are young,"},{"startTime":207.08,"endTime":210.0,"body":"we yearn for a first love."},{"startTime":210.24,"endTime":213.735,"body":"We search for it, for someone who will"},{"startTime":210.24,"endTime":213.735,"body":"love us as much as we"},{"startTime":213.76,"endTime":215.16,"body":"dream of loving them."},{"startTime":215.56,"endTime":218.96,"body":"Looking back, we can smile at how innocent"},{"startTime":215.56,"endTime":218.96,"body":"it all was,"},{"startTime":219.52,"endTime":224.615,"body":"but also at how, in that moment, it"},{"startTime":219.52,"endTime":224.615,"body":"genuinely felt like the most"},{"startTime":224.64,"endTime":226.16,"body":"important thing in the world."},{"startTime":228.24,"endTime":229.0,"body":"Well, César."},{"startTime":229.28,"endTime":232.32,"body":"Are you ready for our"},{"startTime":229.28,"endTime":232.32,"body":"most personal album yet?"},{"startTime":234.64,"endTime":239.84,"body":"Well, I'm not sure I can say much,"},{"startTime":234.64,"endTime":239.84,"body":"to be honest, about this topic."},{"startTime":240.72,"endTime":245.975,"body":"The point is that virtually everyone has a"},{"startTime":240.72,"endTime":245.975,"body":"memory, has a story, and I think everyone"},{"startTime":246.0,"endTime":248.52,"body":"loves to hear the stories of"},{"startTime":246.0,"endTime":248.52,"body":"other people's first loves."},{"startTime":248.96,"endTime":250.68,"body":"So who's going first?"},{"startTime":252.48,"endTime":256.495,"body":"You go first."},{"startTime":252.48,"endTime":256.495,"body":"Okay, well, yeah."},{"startTime":256.52,"endTime":258.895,"body":"So, well, now I don't know what to say."},{"startTime":258.92,"endTime":260.64,"body":"Are you going to say names?"},{"startTime":258.92,"endTime":260.64,"body":"No."},{"startTime":262.0,"endTime":262.88,"body":"Hannah."},{"startTime":264.0,"endTime":266.775,"body":"Actually, Hannah actually"},{"startTime":264.0,"endTime":266.775,"body":"is the name of..."},{"startTime":266.8,"endTime":271.08,"body":"Not my first."},{"startTime":266.8,"endTime":271.08,"body":"Well, it depends how far back we're going."},{"startTime":271.32,"endTime":275.415,"body":"I remember being on holiday in Turkey, I'm"},{"startTime":271.32,"endTime":275.415,"body":"meeting on one of these like a Sunsail"},{"startTime":275.44,"endTime":280.2,"body":"holiday, which is you"},{"startTime":275.44,"endTime":280.2,"body":"go on holiday and you sail in the sun."},{"startTime":280.76,"endTime":284.84,"body":"I met a girl called Emily from Northern"},{"startTime":280.76,"endTime":284.84,"body":"Ireland, and I was at"},{"startTime":285.0,"endTime":287.08,"body":"absolutely in love with her."},{"startTime":285.0,"endTime":287.08,"body":"How old were you?"},{"startTime":287.52,"endTime":289.6,"body":"Probably about 12 or 13."},{"startTime":289.84,"endTime":291.055,"body":"But I just thought she was incredible."},{"startTime":291.08,"endTime":293.52,"body":"She was my age, but the girls"},{"startTime":291.08,"endTime":293.52,"body":"obviously are much bigger, right?"},{"startTime":293.545,"endTime":296.815,"body":"She was way taller than me and she was"},{"startTime":293.545,"endTime":296.815,"body":"very imposing, and I just"},{"startTime":296.84,"endTime":298.02,"body":"thought she was amazing."},{"startTime":298.84,"endTime":301.535,"body":"I really loved Emily, I"},{"startTime":298.84,"endTime":301.535,"body":"had a huge crush on her."},{"startTime":301.56,"endTime":305.28,"body":"In hindsight, you think you"},{"startTime":301.56,"endTime":305.28,"body":"looked up to her?"},{"startTime":306.44,"endTime":309.095,"body":"Is that a joke, like a pun,"},{"startTime":306.44,"endTime":309.095,"body":"about literally looking up?"},{"startTime":309.12,"endTime":311.055,"body":"No, well, both actually."},{"startTime":311.08,"endTime":312.735,"body":"It wasn't a pun."},{"startTime":312.76,"endTime":313.92,"body":"It wasn't intended."},{"startTime":314.28,"endTime":318.36,"body":"But what I mean is like,"},{"startTime":314.28,"endTime":318.36,"body":"obviously, you're gay, right?"},{"startTime":318.76,"endTime":321.175,"body":"Are you coming out as a"},{"startTime":318.76,"endTime":321.175,"body":"bisexual man or something?"},{"startTime":321.2,"endTime":325.935,"body":"No, I was going to say she was the last of"},{"startTime":321.2,"endTime":325.935,"body":"my straight crushes because I"},{"startTime":325.96,"endTime":327.38,"body":"think that when you're young..."},{"startTime":325.96,"endTime":327.38,"body":"you do -"},{"startTime":330.0,"endTime":331.855,"body":"It's like performative, no?"},{"startTime":330.0,"endTime":331.855,"body":"It's not even performative."},{"startTime":331.88,"endTime":335.06,"body":"I think that you can really like someone"},{"startTime":331.88,"endTime":335.06,"body":"as a person, you get that confused."},{"startTime":335.085,"endTime":341.215,"body":"I thought she was great because, for"},{"startTime":335.085,"endTime":341.215,"body":"example, when I was a young teenager, I"},{"startTime":341.24,"endTime":343.575,"body":"kissed a girl for the first time properly."},{"startTime":343.6,"endTime":346.2,"body":"And immediately afterwards, I was"},{"startTime":343.6,"endTime":346.2,"body":"like, Well, that's not for me."},{"startTime":346.96,"endTime":350.855,"body":"I remember saying to the boys, it was"},{"startTime":346.96,"endTime":350.855,"body":"at a school disco, and I remember..."},{"startTime":350.88,"endTime":356.24,"body":"Everyone always was obsessed about kissing"},{"startTime":350.88,"endTime":356.24,"body":"someone or pulling,"},{"startTime":357.64,"endTime":360.775,"body":"and I kissed this girl."},{"startTime":360.8,"endTime":363.74,"body":"I think I've said before, actually, in the"},{"startTime":360.8,"endTime":363.74,"body":"podcast, I can't remember, but"},{"startTime":363.765,"endTime":365.175,"body":"I went to an all boys school."},{"startTime":365.2,"endTime":368.88,"body":"My sister went to an all girls school,"},{"startTime":365.2,"endTime":368.88,"body":"and they combined the schools for discos."},{"startTime":369.08,"endTime":373.335,"body":"My sister is three years older than me, so"},{"startTime":369.08,"endTime":373.335,"body":"all of the girls at the school disco knew"},{"startTime":373.36,"endTime":377.535,"body":"who I was because of my big sister"},{"startTime":373.36,"endTime":377.535,"body":"who's very loud, very pretty."},{"startTime":377.56,"endTime":379.08,"body":"And who looks just like you."},{"startTime":379.28,"endTime":381.56,"body":"Well, that's why I've just"},{"startTime":379.28,"endTime":381.56,"body":"complimented myself now."},{"startTime":382.48,"endTime":384.68,"body":"You're very similar."},{"startTime":384.92,"endTime":388.255,"body":"She's like the female version of you"},{"startTime":384.92,"endTime":388.255,"body":"or you are the male version of her."},{"startTime":388.28,"endTime":388.64,"body":"I don't know."},{"startTime":388.665,"endTime":392.095,"body":"But she was basically all of the girls at"},{"startTime":388.665,"endTime":392.095,"body":"the girls' school either"},{"startTime":392.12,"endTime":394.12,"body":"loved or were in fear of her."},{"startTime":394.36,"endTime":398.0,"body":"So they came up to me and were"},{"startTime":394.36,"endTime":398.0,"body":"like, Are you her brother?"},{"startTime":398.16,"endTime":400.24,"body":"I'm going to beep that out."},{"startTime":402.76,"endTime":404.56,"body":"I was her brother."},{"startTime":404.68,"endTime":408.8,"body":"So I had loads of dances and"},{"startTime":404.68,"endTime":408.8,"body":"kissed one of these girls."},{"startTime":409.08,"endTime":412.255,"body":"And immediately, I was"},{"startTime":409.08,"endTime":412.255,"body":"like, No, this is not right."},{"startTime":412.28,"endTime":414.975,"body":"I suppose I didn't really know"},{"startTime":412.28,"endTime":414.975,"body":"exactly what wasn't right."},{"startTime":415.0,"endTime":417.36,"body":"I can't remember now."},{"startTime":415.0,"endTime":417.36,"body":"It was such a long time ago."},{"startTime":417.48,"endTime":420.375,"body":"I probably had an inkling,"},{"startTime":417.48,"endTime":420.375,"body":"but I knew as soon as I kissed"},{"startTime":420.4,"endTime":421.4,"body":"her that I was not interested."},{"startTime":421.425,"endTime":423.6,"body":"I didn't get what you said, inkling?"},{"startTime":421.425,"endTime":423.6,"body":"Inkling."},{"startTime":423.96,"endTime":426.64,"body":"What is that?"},{"startTime":423.96,"endTime":426.64,"body":"It's like to have an idea, a small idea."},{"startTime":426.76,"endTime":427.0,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":427.52,"endTime":427.96,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":428.76,"endTime":430.32,"body":"I had an idea."},{"startTime":430.56,"endTime":433.24,"body":"I had the first kind of"},{"startTime":430.56,"endTime":433.24,"body":"signs that I might be gay."},{"startTime":433.32,"endTime":433.575,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":433.6,"endTime":436.935,"body":"Emily was your first"},{"startTime":433.6,"endTime":436.935,"body":"crush, but who was your-?"},{"startTime":436.96,"endTime":439.04,"body":"I think that Emily might"},{"startTime":436.96,"endTime":439.04,"body":"have come after Hannah."},{"startTime":439.065,"endTime":443.32,"body":"I kissed Hannah, but then I never kissed"},{"startTime":439.065,"endTime":443.32,"body":"Emily, but I was just obsessed with her."},{"startTime":443.68,"endTime":445.895,"body":"So she was my last crush."},{"startTime":445.92,"endTime":450.215,"body":"Who wa your real first love,"},{"startTime":445.92,"endTime":450.215,"body":"where you felt this..."},{"startTime":450.24,"endTime":452.4,"body":"butterflies in your stomach."},{"startTime":453.76,"endTime":458.64,"body":"Before we get onto that, maybe we should"},{"startTime":453.76,"endTime":458.64,"body":"talk about your last female crush"},{"startTime":460.32,"endTime":462.84,"body":"or your first love with a girl."},{"startTime":463.72,"endTime":472.535,"body":"I guess my long-term crush when I was"},{"startTime":463.72,"endTime":472.535,"body":"a kid or a pre-teernage, can you say?"},{"startTime":472.56,"endTime":473.495,"body":"Pre-teen."},{"startTime":472.56,"endTime":473.495,"body":"Pre-teen."},{"startTime":473.52,"endTime":474.72,"body":"Was Maria Luisa."},{"startTime":475.36,"endTime":477.52,"body":"Did you go to school with her?"},{"startTime":477.68,"endTime":479.98,"body":"Because that's the difference."},{"startTime":477.68,"endTime":479.98,"body":"I always went to a boys' school."},{"startTime":480.005,"endTime":481.895,"body":"We kissed one."},{"startTime":480.005,"endTime":481.895,"body":"It was just like a peck."},{"startTime":481.92,"endTime":486.0,"body":"We were playing this"},{"startTime":481.92,"endTime":486.0,"body":"game with a card where you have to..."},{"startTime":487.12,"endTime":487.335,"body":"Oh, God."},{"startTime":487.36,"endTime":489.375,"body":"It's like blow and kiss"},{"startTime":487.36,"endTime":489.375,"body":"or something like that."},{"startTime":489.4,"endTime":490.295,"body":"It's actually in Clueless."},{"startTime":490.32,"endTime":493.095,"body":"I don't know if you've seen Clueless,"},{"startTime":490.32,"endTime":493.095,"body":"but they play it when they're 17."},{"startTime":493.12,"endTime":494.7,"body":"So it's a little bit more..."},{"startTime":493.12,"endTime":494.7,"body":"risqué."},{"startTime":494.725,"endTime":497.04,"body":"We had a peck."},{"startTime":497.28,"endTime":499.4,"body":"I was very excited about that."},{"startTime":501.04,"endTime":503.135,"body":"How old were you when that"},{"startTime":501.04,"endTime":503.135,"body":"happened, did you say?"},{"startTime":503.16,"endTime":503.17,"body":"Pre-teen?"},{"startTime":503.16,"endTime":503.17,"body":"12, 13?"},{"startTime":503.185,"endTime":506.68,"body":"12, 13, yeah."},{"startTime":503.185,"endTime":506.68,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":506.84,"endTime":509.04,"body":"That was the last time you"},{"startTime":506.84,"endTime":509.04,"body":"were interested in the girl?"},{"startTime":510.0,"endTime":510.695,"body":"I guess so, yeah."},{"startTime":510.72,"endTime":512.58,"body":"But you didn't come out"},{"startTime":510.72,"endTime":512.58,"body":"until way later, right?"},{"startTime":512.605,"endTime":512.935,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":512.96,"endTime":514.96,"body":"Well, I came out when I"},{"startTime":512.96,"endTime":514.96,"body":"had a boyfriend already."},{"startTime":515.04,"endTime":518.055,"body":"So like 25 or something like that?"},{"startTime":515.04,"endTime":518.055,"body":"23."},{"startTime":518.08,"endTime":518.8,"body":"23?"},{"startTime":518.08,"endTime":518.8,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":519.16,"endTime":519.495,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":519.52,"endTime":523.975,"body":"Once my dad came to London to visit me,"},{"startTime":519.52,"endTime":523.975,"body":"and I was living with my"},{"startTime":524.0,"endTime":525.2,"body":"boyfriend at the time."},{"startTime":526.32,"endTime":530.655,"body":"And that week when my dad was visiting me,"},{"startTime":526.32,"endTime":530.655,"body":"my boyfriend was on a business trip, so"},{"startTime":530.68,"endTime":532.535,"body":"I didn't want him to pay for a hotel."},{"startTime":532.56,"endTime":537.44,"body":"So I told him, You can come home and"},{"startTime":532.56,"endTime":537.44,"body":"we can sleep in my room."},{"startTime":538.04,"endTime":542.775,"body":"And I hid all the pictures with my"},{"startTime":538.04,"endTime":542.775,"body":"boyfriend at the time and his clothes."},{"startTime":542.8,"endTime":545.12,"body":"Your roommate."},{"startTime":542.8,"endTime":545.12,"body":"My roommate."},{"startTime":546.72,"endTime":549.935,"body":"And he was like, Why do you"},{"startTime":546.72,"endTime":549.935,"body":"and your roommate share a bed?"},{"startTime":549.96,"endTime":552.8,"body":"London economy, expensive rent."},{"startTime":553.48,"endTime":555.68,"body":"Yeah, exactly."},{"startTime":553.48,"endTime":555.68,"body":"Fair enough."},{"startTime":556.84,"endTime":560.2,"body":"So who was your first real love?"},{"startTime":560.88,"endTime":561.64,"body":"My first love."},{"startTime":561.84,"endTime":567.08,"body":"I think that for me, it was definitely"},{"startTime":561.84,"endTime":567.08,"body":"actually a kind of first love because"},{"startTime":568.52,"endTime":570.495,"body":"I used to get the bus to school."},{"startTime":570.52,"endTime":571.72,"body":"I used to get a coach."},{"startTime":573.0,"endTime":576.38,"body":"You'd go to the bus stop in the morning"},{"startTime":573.0,"endTime":576.38,"body":"and you got picked up from there."},{"startTime":577.4,"endTime":580.495,"body":"I saw him on the first day that"},{"startTime":577.4,"endTime":580.495,"body":"I started at my secondary school."},{"startTime":580.52,"endTime":584.6,"body":"Like I started at 13, and he"},{"startTime":580.52,"endTime":584.6,"body":"was totally different from me."},{"startTime":584.96,"endTime":587.76,"body":"I was extremely skinny and geeky."},{"startTime":588.28,"endTime":589.64,"body":"I was such a geek."},{"startTime":590.04,"endTime":591.535,"body":"All I needed was the glasses."},{"startTime":591.56,"endTime":592.84,"body":"I had the wild hair."},{"startTime":593.04,"endTime":596.975,"body":"I had the incredibly skinny, geeky body"},{"startTime":593.04,"endTime":596.975,"body":"with the very bad posture,"},{"startTime":597.0,"endTime":598.4,"body":"which I still have sometimes."},{"startTime":600.64,"endTime":602.775,"body":"And so he was the complete opposite."},{"startTime":602.8,"endTime":604.175,"body":"He was like the rugby captain."},{"startTime":604.2,"endTime":609.16,"body":"He was really muscular, you know, at"},{"startTime":604.2,"endTime":609.16,"body":"an age when no one else was muscular."},{"startTime":610.64,"endTime":611.8,"body":"He was blonde."},{"startTime":612.0,"endTime":613.72,"body":"He was just incredibly handsome."},{"startTime":614.16,"endTime":618.615,"body":"All of the mums used to say how handsome"},{"startTime":614.16,"endTime":618.615,"body":"he was, and I was this"},{"startTime":618.64,"endTime":620.8,"body":"little runt in comparison."},{"startTime":621.72,"endTime":627.935,"body":"And so I saw him every day on the bus"},{"startTime":621.72,"endTime":627.935,"body":"and thought he was just the most beautiful"},{"startTime":627.96,"endTime":631.335,"body":"person I'd ever seen, for like a year."},{"startTime":631.36,"endTime":636.68,"body":"Then I had a friend, one of my friends,"},{"startTime":631.36,"endTime":636.68,"body":"one of my very geeky friends,"},{"startTime":637.28,"endTime":639.52,"body":"was also, for some reason, friends with"},{"startTime":637.28,"endTime":639.52,"body":"him because they'd gone"},{"startTime":639.545,"endTime":640.775,"body":"to the same junior school."},{"startTime":640.8,"endTime":650.455,"body":"And so we all got on this bus together and"},{"startTime":640.8,"endTime":650.455,"body":"It meant that we used to have sleepovers"},{"startTime":650.48,"endTime":654.64,"body":"in this geeky group, and for some reason"},{"startTime":650.48,"endTime":654.64,"body":"we invited him, and for some reason,"},{"startTime":655.12,"endTime":656.64,"body":"that I don't understand, he came."},{"startTime":656.665,"endTime":658.575,"body":"You invited him?"},{"startTime":656.665,"endTime":658.575,"body":"Well, I invited him."},{"startTime":658.6,"endTime":661.4,"body":"The first time he came to one of"},{"startTime":658.6,"endTime":661.4,"body":"the sleepovers was at my house."},{"startTime":663.16,"endTime":669.12,"body":"And I invited him through my friend"},{"startTime":663.16,"endTime":669.12,"body":"Chris, and so he came for that reason."},{"startTime":669.68,"endTime":672.6,"body":"Then as soon as we had the sleepovers,"},{"startTime":669.68,"endTime":672.6,"body":"there was a very weird energy."},{"startTime":672.84,"endTime":677.215,"body":"Because outside of school, he just"},{"startTime":672.84,"endTime":677.215,"body":"would keep touching me unnecessarily."},{"startTime":677.24,"endTime":681.455,"body":"There'd be an arm around the shoulders or"},{"startTime":677.24,"endTime":681.455,"body":"a hand on the knee, just totally"},{"startTime":681.48,"endTime":683.38,"body":"unnecessarily while we"},{"startTime":681.48,"endTime":683.38,"body":"were playing video games."},{"startTime":683.405,"endTime":685.16,"body":"I was like, Oh, my God."},{"startTime":685.6,"endTime":689.375,"body":"Then over the course of these Sleepovers,"},{"startTime":685.6,"endTime":689.375,"body":"we always ended up sleeping in a bed"},{"startTime":689.4,"endTime":692.2,"body":"together and everyone else would"},{"startTime":689.4,"endTime":692.2,"body":"sleep on the floor in sleeping bags."},{"startTime":692.4,"endTime":696.68,"body":"Eventually, in the middle of the"},{"startTime":692.4,"endTime":696.68,"body":"night, at 5: 00 AM, we kissed."},{"startTime":697.16,"endTime":700.455,"body":"Then we ended up having this mini"},{"startTime":697.16,"endTime":700.455,"body":"secretive relationship"},{"startTime":700.48,"endTime":701.6,"body":"for three or four months."},{"startTime":703.32,"endTime":704.375,"body":"I went on holiday."},{"startTime":704.4,"endTime":705.48,"body":"I went on a school trip."},{"startTime":705.8,"endTime":710.24,"body":"When I was away,"},{"startTime":705.8,"endTime":710.24,"body":"he found, he got a girlfriend."},{"startTime":710.68,"endTime":714.0,"body":"I came back from that school trip, found"},{"startTime":710.68,"endTime":714.0,"body":"out that he'd got this girlfriend, and"},{"startTime":714.025,"endTime":718.24,"body":"I was devastated, devastated by this."},{"startTime":718.44,"endTime":720.92,"body":"Like, it took me four years to get over."},{"startTime":721.68,"endTime":726.455,"body":"I was so upset because I was so geeky and"},{"startTime":721.68,"endTime":726.455,"body":"not in the closet, but"},{"startTime":726.48,"endTime":727.6,"body":"unable to tell anyone."},{"startTime":728.04,"endTime":730.015,"body":"Yeah, but you were in the closet, right?"},{"startTime":730.04,"endTime":733.575,"body":"Well, I wasn't in the closet with"},{"startTime":730.04,"endTime":733.575,"body":"myself, but I hadn't told anyone else."},{"startTime":733.6,"endTime":739.72,"body":"Yeah, so you couldn't share the"},{"startTime":733.6,"endTime":739.72,"body":"fact that your boyfriend -"},{"startTime":740.28,"endTime":741.12,"body":"- had dumped me."},{"startTime":741.72,"endTime":744.055,"body":"Had dumped you for a girl."},{"startTime":744.08,"endTime":747.08,"body":"I couldn't even tell my mum or my sister,"},{"startTime":744.08,"endTime":747.08,"body":"who I would normally talk"},{"startTime":747.105,"endTime":748.175,"body":"to about these things."},{"startTime":748.2,"endTime":749.76,"body":"Did people notice that you were off?"},{"startTime":750.72,"endTime":754.32,"body":"Yeah, because then we started being"},{"startTime":750.72,"endTime":754.32,"body":"quite mean to each other at school."},{"startTime":754.8,"endTime":757.04,"body":"Obviously, he stopped"},{"startTime":754.8,"endTime":757.04,"body":"coming to the sleepovers."},{"startTime":758.4,"endTime":758.96,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":759.48,"endTime":765.015,"body":"He would call me gay, and I would call him"},{"startTime":759.48,"endTime":765.015,"body":"stupid, which is not"},{"startTime":765.04,"endTime":766.255,"body":"very nice of me either."},{"startTime":766.28,"endTime":767.695,"body":"I feel bad about that."},{"startTime":767.72,"endTime":769.535,"body":"And he wasn't stupid."},{"startTime":769.56,"endTime":770.76,"body":"I was gay."},{"startTime":775.48,"endTime":776.04,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":776.96,"endTime":779.08,"body":"You know what can I say?"},{"startTime":776.96,"endTime":779.08,"body":"That's right."},{"startTime":780.0,"endTime":781.08,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":780.0,"endTime":781.08,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":781.92,"endTime":787.2,"body":"I mean, I obviously knew this"},{"startTime":781.92,"endTime":787.2,"body":"story, what you just told me."},{"startTime":788.08,"endTime":789.815,"body":"It was very interesting, very nice."},{"startTime":789.84,"endTime":792.295,"body":"I thought you were going to"},{"startTime":789.84,"endTime":792.295,"body":"cry because you..."},{"startTime":792.32,"endTime":794.72,"body":"I thought you were going to get emotional."},{"startTime":794.88,"endTime":796.56,"body":"It's a very sweet story."},{"startTime":797.04,"endTime":800.56,"body":"But it's funny how I think as I"},{"startTime":797.04,"endTime":800.56,"body":"talked about in the epilogue..."},{"startTime":800.68,"endTime":801.2,"body":"sorry."},{"startTime":801.44,"endTime":805.055,"body":"As I talked about in the prologue,"},{"startTime":801.44,"endTime":805.055,"body":"first loves, I think,"},{"startTime":805.08,"endTime":806.58,"body":"never completely leave you."},{"startTime":806.68,"endTime":810.135,"body":"It was 10 years ago, so 10"},{"startTime":806.68,"endTime":810.135,"body":"years after this all happened."},{"startTime":810.16,"endTime":815.015,"body":"I was in my hometown, and I went to the"},{"startTime":810.16,"endTime":815.015,"body":"train station to buy a ticket, and there"},{"startTime":815.04,"endTime":818.36,"body":"was this guy standing"},{"startTime":815.04,"endTime":818.36,"body":"already buying a ticket at the machine,"},{"startTime":818.68,"endTime":820.32,"body":"and it looked so much like him."},{"startTime":821.44,"endTime":824.16,"body":"And it turned out not to be"},{"startTime":821.44,"endTime":824.16,"body":"him, but my heart was racing."},{"startTime":824.64,"endTime":826.96,"body":"I was like, Oh, my God."},{"startTime":827.12,"endTime":829.0,"body":"Because I hadn't seen"},{"startTime":827.12,"endTime":829.0,"body":"him since we left school."},{"startTime":829.68,"endTime":832.68,"body":"I felt so nervous."},{"startTime":833.36,"endTime":837.975,"body":"It was interesting that literally 10 years"},{"startTime":833.36,"endTime":837.975,"body":"after this had happened, it was"},{"startTime":838.0,"endTime":839.32,"body":"still making my heart pound."},{"startTime":839.64,"endTime":848.12,"body":"I was still so, not into him, but like it"},{"startTime":849.6,"endTime":851.655,"body":"made me so nervous,"},{"startTime":849.6,"endTime":851.655,"body":"the idea of seeing him."},{"startTime":851.68,"endTime":854.6,"body":"I hadn't seen, I haven't seen"},{"startTime":851.68,"endTime":854.6,"body":"him in literally 18 years."},{"startTime":855.6,"endTime":859.08,"body":"Did you look up his profile"},{"startTime":855.6,"endTime":859.08,"body":"on Facebook, Instagram?"},{"startTime":860.32,"endTime":864.6,"body":"I've looked up his profile once on"},{"startTime":860.32,"endTime":864.6,"body":"Instagram, but it's closed anyway."},{"startTime":866.76,"endTime":868.92,"body":"And you know he has a"},{"startTime":866.76,"endTime":868.92,"body":"restraining order now, no..."},{"startTime":868.945,"endTime":873.44,"body":"No, I know nothing about him except"},{"startTime":868.945,"endTime":873.44,"body":"that I know he lives in [bleep]."},{"startTime":873.92,"endTime":877.015,"body":"I know he lives in another country."},{"startTime":877.04,"endTime":881.36,"body":"And I think he's married to a woman."},{"startTime":881.96,"endTime":884.455,"body":"He might be watching this"},{"startTime":881.96,"endTime":884.455,"body":"or listening to this."},{"startTime":884.48,"endTime":885.32,"body":"Right now."},{"startTime":884.48,"endTime":885.32,"body":"To improve his English."},{"startTime":885.345,"endTime":887.8,"body":"Because he was stupid."},{"startTime":889.8,"endTime":892.28,"body":"No, I don't think so."},{"startTime":889.8,"endTime":892.28,"body":"I hope not."},{"startTime":893.56,"endTime":896.535,"body":"Well, it might be quite"},{"startTime":893.56,"endTime":896.535,"body":"funny if he's watching."},{"startTime":896.56,"endTime":899.615,"body":"I mean, he should be grateful because he"},{"startTime":896.56,"endTime":899.615,"body":"asked me not to tell anyone, and I"},{"startTime":899.64,"endTime":901.64,"body":"didn't tell anyone at school ever."},{"startTime":899.64,"endTime":901.64,"body":"You were very discreet."},{"startTime":901.665,"endTime":902.8,"body":"I was very discreet."},{"startTime":903.48,"endTime":904.04,"body":"Cool."},{"startTime":905.32,"endTime":910.695,"body":"It took a great deal of restraint when he"},{"startTime":905.32,"endTime":910.695,"body":"was calling me gay,"},{"startTime":910.72,"endTime":912.08,"body":"not to be like, Really?"},{"startTime":912.88,"endTime":916.48,"body":"That's awful."},{"startTime":916.92,"endTime":918.8,"body":"Well, no, it's fine."},{"startTime":916.92,"endTime":918.8,"body":"It's character building."},{"startTime":919.96,"endTime":924.76,"body":"Well, no, it's bullying because they"},{"startTime":919.96,"endTime":924.76,"body":"weren't calling you gay in a good way."},{"startTime":925.24,"endTime":929.16,"body":"By the way, I'm telling you now, you know"},{"startTime":925.24,"endTime":929.16,"body":"you're going to lose some listeners"},{"startTime":929.8,"endTime":931.695,"body":"from this episode."},{"startTime":929.8,"endTime":931.695,"body":"It's fine."},{"startTime":931.72,"endTime":935.16,"body":"It's a good filter because with this"},{"startTime":931.72,"endTime":935.16,"body":"Spanish podcast, it happens as well."},{"startTime":935.52,"endTime":939.08,"body":"As soon as you mention anything about"},{"startTime":935.52,"endTime":939.08,"body":"sexuality, then lots of people"},{"startTime":939.8,"endTime":940.68,"body":"stop following you."},{"startTime":941.96,"endTime":943.8,"body":"Homosexuality?"},{"startTime":941.96,"endTime":943.8,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":945.8,"endTime":947.815,"body":"You mentioned something."},{"startTime":947.84,"endTime":953.8,"body":"You said that you think first love"},{"startTime":947.84,"endTime":953.8,"body":"doesn't really leave you ever."},{"startTime":954.16,"endTime":955.52,"body":"I don't really agree."},{"startTime":955.64,"endTime":957.215,"body":"I didn't like anyone."},{"startTime":957.24,"endTime":963.375,"body":"I felt physically attracted to"},{"startTime":957.24,"endTime":963.375,"body":"many people, but I wasn't really"},{"startTime":963.4,"endTime":966.495,"body":"into anyone until I was 21 or so."},{"startTime":966.52,"endTime":969.4,"body":"Well, then that was your first love."},{"startTime":966.52,"endTime":969.4,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":969.52,"endTime":975.64,"body":"But I've never felt like that teenage"},{"startTime":969.52,"endTime":975.64,"body":"love that many people feel so intense(ly)."},{"startTime":975.8,"endTime":981.615,"body":"They talk about sometimes LGBT people"},{"startTime":975.8,"endTime":981.615,"body":"because they don't tend to have the"},{"startTime":981.64,"endTime":986.375,"body":"teenage romances that straight people"},{"startTime":981.64,"endTime":986.375,"body":"have, and therefore, they live a"},{"startTime":986.4,"endTime":988.68,"body":"delayed adolescence in that respect."},{"startTime":988.8,"endTime":993.24,"body":"And so I think it's quite common I think"},{"startTime":988.8,"endTime":993.24,"body":"my story is quite unusual to have"},{"startTime":993.32,"endTime":995.535,"body":"something when I was a teenager."},{"startTime":993.32,"endTime":995.535,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":995.56,"endTime":999.455,"body":"Whereas I think your story of being a bit"},{"startTime":995.56,"endTime":999.455,"body":"older, I think it's actually more normal."},{"startTime":999.48,"endTime":1000.2,"body":"It's more normal."},{"startTime":1000.225,"endTime":1004.16,"body":"I was actually doing an"},{"startTime":1000.225,"endTime":1004.16,"body":"English course in Barcelona."},{"startTime":1004.64,"endTime":1008.08,"body":"I met someone, Jesús."},{"startTime":1009.6,"endTime":1016.88,"body":"His English is, was amazing, and it's even"},{"startTime":1009.6,"endTime":1016.88,"body":"better now because he lives in the States."},{"startTime":1017.48,"endTime":1019.36,"body":"He's married to an American guy."},{"startTime":1020.72,"endTime":1024.64,"body":"I think it was my first crush ever."},{"startTime":1025.24,"endTime":1026.28,"body":"Very, very intense."},{"startTime":1026.64,"endTime":1031.415,"body":"And I remember we kissed, and it was"},{"startTime":1026.64,"endTime":1031.415,"body":"super weird for me because I had"},{"startTime":1031.44,"endTime":1032.92,"body":"never kissed someone with a beard."},{"startTime":1034.84,"endTime":1042.2,"body":"We were together for one week, and"},{"startTime":1034.84,"endTime":1042.2,"body":"when I left Barcelona, and I"},{"startTime":1042.68,"endTime":1048.015,"body":"was off to Valencia, and he"},{"startTime":1042.68,"endTime":1048.015,"body":"was from Granada, we said goodbye"},{"startTime":1048.04,"endTime":1049.56,"body":"at the train station in Barcelona."},{"startTime":1050.4,"endTime":1057.12,"body":"Yeah, I remember myself crying"},{"startTime":1050.4,"endTime":1057.12,"body":"in the train on the way back."},{"startTime":1057.32,"endTime":1062.08,"body":"Well, holiday romances can be"},{"startTime":1057.32,"endTime":1062.08,"body":"actually really moving and upsetting."},{"startTime":1063.56,"endTime":1068.655,"body":"I've got a really good memory of that week"},{"startTime":1063.56,"endTime":1068.655,"body":"and the following weeks"},{"startTime":1068.68,"endTime":1070.16,"body":"where I felt influctated."},{"startTime":1070.76,"endTime":1071.335,"body":"What is the verb?"},{"startTime":1070.76,"endTime":1071.335,"body":"Infatuated."},{"startTime":1071.36,"endTime":1071.415,"body":"Inflatuated."},{"startTime":1071.36,"endTime":1071.415,"body":"Infatuated."},{"startTime":1071.44,"endTime":1071.48,"body":"Infatuated."},{"startTime":1071.505,"endTime":1078.36,"body":"You're not in love, but you feel"},{"startTime":1071.505,"endTime":1078.36,"body":"like you like someone very much."},{"startTime":1078.44,"endTime":1080.88,"body":"There's a good word for this, actually,"},{"startTime":1078.44,"endTime":1080.88,"body":"which is very uncommonly used even"},{"startTime":1080.905,"endTime":1084.52,"body":"amongst native speakers, which is like..."},{"startTime":1084.8,"endTime":1086.04,"body":"You know what lust means?"},{"startTime":1086.56,"endTime":1090.72,"body":"It's like lust, but from an emotional"},{"startTime":1086.56,"endTime":1090.72,"body":"perspective, it's called a limerence."},{"startTime":1091.32,"endTime":1094.2,"body":"It's a great word to use"},{"startTime":1091.32,"endTime":1094.2,"body":"for this context, actually."},{"startTime":1095.28,"endTime":1099.375,"body":"That very strong feeling, which is not"},{"startTime":1095.28,"endTime":1099.375,"body":"really love because you don't"},{"startTime":1099.4,"endTime":1102.22,"body":"have the depth of feeling."},{"startTime":1099.4,"endTime":1102.22,"body":"You don't know that person very well."},{"startTime":1102.245,"endTime":1105.44,"body":"But I think sometimes actually holiday"},{"startTime":1102.245,"endTime":1105.44,"body":"romances and"},{"startTime":1106.68,"endTime":1111.535,"body":"brief liaisons, brief feelings like that,"},{"startTime":1106.68,"endTime":1111.535,"body":"can actually feel sometimes more powerful"},{"startTime":1111.56,"endTime":1115.375,"body":"because you don't have the reality."},{"startTime":1115.4,"endTime":1116.895,"body":"Reality doesn't set in quickly enough."},{"startTime":1116.92,"endTime":1118.48,"body":"You are in a different context as well."},{"startTime":1118.505,"endTime":1119.88,"body":"You're normally more relaxed."},{"startTime":1120.0,"endTime":1121.48,"body":"Yeah, it feels cinematic."},{"startTime":1121.56,"endTime":1123.04,"body":"Well-rested."},{"startTime":1123.92,"endTime":1126.135,"body":"It doesn't have to end badly."},{"startTime":1126.16,"endTime":1131.015,"body":"Even when a relationship ends, even if it"},{"startTime":1126.16,"endTime":1131.015,"body":"ends amicably, even if a"},{"startTime":1131.04,"endTime":1133.4,"body":"relationship ends amicably, it ends."},{"startTime":1133.56,"endTime":1137.575,"body":"So you have that kind of like"},{"startTime":1133.56,"endTime":1137.575,"body":"bitter sweetness, or you"},{"startTime":1137.6,"endTime":1138.77,"body":"just have that bitterness."},{"startTime":1138.8,"endTime":1142.68,"body":"Whereas I think with holiday romances,"},{"startTime":1138.8,"endTime":1142.68,"body":"it's inherently more bitter sweet."},{"startTime":1143.84,"endTime":1145.16,"body":"Okay, well, César."},{"startTime":1146.56,"endTime":1151.135,"body":"And listeners, if you have managed to make"},{"startTime":1146.56,"endTime":1151.135,"body":"it to the end and haven't blocked and"},{"startTime":1151.16,"endTime":1157.055,"body":"unfollowed and given me one star on"},{"startTime":1151.16,"endTime":1157.055,"body":"whatever listening programme platform you"},{"startTime":1157.08,"endTime":1161.24,"body":"use, then, yeah, thank you for listening."},{"startTime":1161.44,"endTime":1163.8,"body":"We'll see you next time for"},{"startTime":1161.44,"endTime":1163.8,"body":"a much less personal episode."},{"startTime":1163.825,"endTime":1165.255,"body":"Thank you."},{"startTime":1163.825,"endTime":1165.255,"body":"Chao chao."},{"startTime":1165.28,"endTime":1165.6,"body":"Goodbye."}]}