Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#11 - Mindfulness of Cocaine

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 11

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Speaker 1:

Hey, merry Christmas, everybody, and Happy Hanukkah, and whatever else you're doing, it's a glorious, glorious December 25th and I've got something very special for you. It's a short episode, but it's something that I've been thinking about for years, and that's how to bring mindfulness to everything in life, including cocaine. So this is my attempt to do a mindfulness of cocaine meditation. Please enjoy. Oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish.

Speaker 1:

Let us begin by setting our intention. Repeat after me. May I be present, may I be peaceful, may my dealer not be dealing with family stuff right now. I'll find a comfortable position. Notice the cool porcelain of the bathroom stall against your legs, the gentle fluorescent lighting, concerned whispers of your co-workers outside during this Wednesday morning team meeting, and as with our loving kindness practice, we'll begin by contemplating interconnectedness. Each line of white powder before you contains multitudes Sacred coca fields watered with the tears of exploitation, the mindful chemists mixing acetone with the precision of ancient tea masters, the enlightened cartel members achieving detachment through beheading. If you notice any judgments arising about the violence inherent in this practice, let them pass like clouds in the sky or like kidney function.

Speaker 1:

After your third weekend of spiritual gagging. As we prepare our ritual implements, bring awareness to your glass straw, unlike the dollar bills used by the unenlightened, this tool was crafted with intention. Feel its weight, its purpose, its inability to be explained to airport security. Now, as we begin our nasal pranayama, you may notice certain sensations arising the heart chakra pounding at 180 beats per minute. A deep knowing that you should refinance your house to start a cryptocurrency. A sudden ability to solve racism if everyone would just listen. Complete dissociation from your face. These are all perfect. If you find yourself planning to write a screenplay or start a podcast, or tell your boss what you really think, simply return to the breath, unless it's a really good screenplay idea. The ancient masters taught us that every great film starts with cocaine and ends with straight to streaming. Now remember the noble eightfold path of cocaine consciousness.

Speaker 1:

Write dealer who actually answers texts. Write setting anywhere with bathroom stalls. Right setting anywhere with bathroom stalls. Right company people who won't remember this tomorrow. Right amount more. Right timing now. Right explanation to your partner working late. Right excuse for septum damage deviated septum from high school sports. Right mindset Temporary godhood. Notice any attachment to messages from your dealer. Are you really separate from that? On my way text? Aren't we all in some way on our way Now, as our practice deepens, you might experience what the techs call total fucking clarity man.

Speaker 1:

You may suddenly understand the blockchain, why your parents divorced, the perfect business plan for a combination laundromat nightclub string theory and why you should call your ex right now and maybe, just maybe, you'll suck the dick of the dude next to you. In closing, let us share the merit of our practice. May all beings be high, may all beings have a hookup, may all beings remember their Venmo, may all beings find bathroom stalls without gaps. And may all beings maintain proper nasal health through mindful saline use. And may all beings maintain proper nasal health through mindful saline use. This has been a very special episode of Starting Stand-Up. Happy snorting, thank you.