Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#15 Bonnie Rait Joke, Ray Peat Diet, MLC Jokes, Personal Brand Hatred

• David Walton

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David somehow puts together another amazing episode of Starting Standup freezing his ass off high on Mexican coke.

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David:

Hey everybody, what's going on? My name is David Wallen and you're watching Starting Stand Up and I'm going to be doing this episode with a little bit more voice modulation. You know we don't pay attention enough to voice modulation, but I have been noticing there's a lot of people going a little bit higher up and just using that voice in all its range to keep the listener engaged, and I really would like to keep you engaged. And so we're starting with this with a segment here. It's called guess who says this? Friars Club joke.

David:

Now, um, I, uh, I got a book of jokes and they're from the Friars Club encyclopedia of jokes and it made me realize that this world of the joke writing is kind of over. I don't know these are. They all feel like after every joke you'd be like you know you would just do that kind of like they're all. They almost all feel like dad jokes to me, and these are some of the most famous jokes out there, like here's one why do so many women fake orgasms? Because so many men fake foreplay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to do some masticating and enzyme secreting. No, I mean like I don't know man, the one joke that kind of really popped out to me, uh, woody allen stuff when you see it on the page just feels one of his jokes is sex dirty only if it's done right. Yeesh, jesus, woody, just party screeches to a halt. But uh, I never knew Bonnie Raitt did this joke, which is just wild to me. I mean, let's give me something to talk about. Uh, bonnie Raitt. Bonnie Raitt's line in the Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes is is I don't want to see any faces at this party. I haven't sat on. Holy shit, bonnie. I had a girl. Now I saw her honored at the kennedy center uh recently this year and she's awesome way to go. Bonnie, how about that gray hair, that little skunk gray hair thing? I just love her and that's the best joke in the entire Friars Club encyclopedia of jokes. I'm not even sure that's a joke. All right, clearly we are starting stand-up. So welcome. My name's David Walton Got a great show for you tonight, so stick around. Oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish.

David:

One thing I want to say about, just as a sort of reflection point here Everything there was an enormous build up to me launching this podcast. In my own mind, no one really knew about it Tremendous nervousness, resistance. I've touched on it. Every plan I've had for what this will be and how to make it good is completely out the window. It just goes to show you the planning for these sort of creative projects is so overrated, at least for me. I mean in the sense that I have no idea Right now. I got no idea what this thing is. I got no clue. What am I doing?

David:

It's Wednesday, january 22nd, at 10 52 PM. Second at 10 52 pm. Everyone in my family is asleep. It's minus seven degrees outside. I'm wearing a winter coat because my office doesn't get above 60.

David:

I'm on a diet called the ray pete diet, which isn't really a diet, but basically it's just eat things that are pro-metabolic and the easiest thing for your body to digest is sugar, so you basically just hammer sugar all day. The real things you can't eat are any polyunsaturated fatty acids. So like no vegetable oils, not even. Not even like dark meat chicken, not even really chicken. It's just like whole animal, a lot of gelatin cuts. You know those slow. And then milk, just so much fucking milk. Cause there's sugar in milk. Basically there's sugar in starch and milk and in like simple sugar fructose. I'm not going to get into it. So I'm drinking a mexican coke, because that is real sugar. You're not allowed to have corn syrup. It's my third of the day. I'm getting so much fatter.

David:

I'm this, I'm on this quest to feel good and just getting. I'm 30 pounds over my normal weight. What's weird is I just have some titties and this insane spare tire that's starting to come in. I don't know what's going on, but I like it. I'm going to stay on this track. But I weighed myself buck naked and I was 225 pounds, 225. That is, I was 195 my entire adult life.

David:

I don't know what's going on. It's hammering sugar and in my head going this is healthy. This is good for you, david. Anyway, the point is I'm not teaching you anything. My whole thing was like I'm going to do something where I teach an audience and they get value because I'm teaching them how to do stand-up while learning it myself. It will deepen what I'm learning and maybe that's true, but ultimately I don't think it even is. I don't know what value. I don't think I'm giving anyone any value. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to share a little clip of me doing someone else's jokes, of me doing someone else's jokes.

David:

My friend, austin earl what a guy. My third cousin, uh, high school and college together. Then he moved out to la, became my roommate, got into writing, hustled his ass off, worked his ass off, climbed his way up. Now he's had feature films with, uh, de Niro and Sebastian I'm fucking up. My friend called me saying you're fucking up all the Italians names Nate Bergazzi and Sebastian Maniscalco. Right, I still think I'm saying that wrong. Fuck that. No, I hate Italiansians. I'm extremely prejudiced against italians. That's not true, all right.

David:

So anyway, austin is just a joke machine and if you're blessed enough to know him, you've been laughing your ass off. But he, he cranks jokes out like I. I crank just little, little tiny room clearing farts and he just constant, and he's so good at them. And so I was telling him that I was, you know, really feeling like this midlife crisis premise, like what is it? What is it? And like within eight seconds he just texted me this long run of jokes and I was like let me see what that's like out of my mouth. And so this is me and an old friend just kind of you know having our little dance through the digital universe, talking comedy. Here it is. I hope you enjoy.

David:

So midlife crisis is allow for reinvention, right it's. I think of a midlife crisis like it's your soul itching to get off the wave that you're riding because it can see death and it knows you've been letting fear win. And the problem here the big, big problem here is that 200 years ago you'd have a midlife crisis and you'd be 28 years old and you'd go fucking bananas in the prime of your life. Now the midlife crisis is happening at age 45 or 50, which is just so fucking hard with your pathetic body. It's like deciding to go on a huge road trip at the exact moment your vehicle's warranty is expiring.

David:

You want to sign up for a marathon, but you can't even jog to beat a walk signal without pain. You want to do tons of drugs, but your doctors are all warning you that even too much ibuprofen could give you a heart attack. You want to go out and you want to fuck younger women, but you're regularly going to bed at the exact hour. Those women are heading out to pregame and even if you do get the green light from one of them the second, the second you take off your shirt, you can see it in their eyes. What a mistake it is.

David:

With clothes on, I'm fine. I take this shirt off and I look like a room temperature barata jammed into skinny jeans. I literally haven't done a sit-up since 2005. And from the waist up, I look like a pale stress ball. I love the barada, barada and the pale stress ball. No lie, little serendipity here. I recorded that whole thing about gaining 30 pounds and just being like feeling like I'm in a different body now, before I realized that that whole run of jokes was sort of about that. Just a great way. Things are coming together here. It's coming together great.

David:

Now I'd like to switch gears. We're going to move straight into something that I've been working on. This is a premise. It's early days, we're in the maybe second inning. It's just a world. It's look.

David:

I have a lot of anger about technological advancement. I love it. I just want to be right on the tip of this AI rocket ship. I think this is going to be the wildest fucking 30 years. I don't even know. I can't even fathom how insane life's going to be and the capabilities we're going to have soon. At the same time, let me show you what I've been working on in a kind of stand-up bit. This is a rough draft of something I'm working on, all right.

David:

So where this is coming from is a rant, it's a feeling, it's a frustration with the digital life. It's a frustration with the fact that our lives now I watch my kids myself, my wife, my friends, everybody at the inauguration just nerd necking their phones and everybody this digital life is almost more real than the analog life and I feel my brain getting completely hijacked and I don't like it. And I like I'm dying to go do a three months like retreat in India with and just just hawk my phone into the ocean and just fully tune out. Oh man, into the ocean and just fully tune out. Oh man, I just it's almost like the whole world is turned into nerds. It's like we're they've just everything has made us into nerds. Like no one's just doing life and just like ripping.

David:

Like everyone's documenting themselves. Like what are you? Everyone's filming themselves all day. What is going on? Like everyone's just obsessed with a personal brand. Now that just means like it's like 7 billion people just trying to figure out how to be important online. Like seven. Everyone's just staring into mirrors practicing their authentic face. The coolest people in history never had to build a personal brand. Can you imagine Genghis Khan just stopping to film a morning routine? It's a Mongol nation. Today we're pillaging three cities.

David:

But first let me tell you about Better Help Therapy. We're just these meat puppets, piloted by anxiety, floating on a space rock, but everyone's worried about their Instagram grid layout. I saw Elon Musk at the inauguration. He just hunched over his phone like some gargoyle with scoliosis. Over his phone like some gargoyle with scoliosis. It's like even the richest guy in the world is just a screen addicted nerd. That's not that surprising, but like he's just tweeting all day, you know, and it keeps me up at night. It's like in 300 years, no one is going to remember any of us existed, right, but somewhere in like a dead server farm there's going to remember any of us existed, right, but somewhere in like a dead server farm, there's going to be hundreds of trillions of tiktok dances they preserve like digital cockroaches. After the apocalypse, error 404 humanity not found.

David:

But check out these moves back in the 80s. Uh, people were just doing cool shit. Man, I wish I lived, I wish I could time machine to 1982 and just stay there. Just oh, man, cocaine was still good for you. Everyone just wanted to have fun. No one was filming anything. You just jump out of planes and Speedos with zinc on your nose, you're just doing blow for breakfast, you're just ripping mescaline and skiing with no shirt on.

David:

Now, like the world is just, you know, we're just Gary V's children. It's like film yourself, film yourself, film yourself, film everything, film everything, share everything. Your whole life's meaning is to just get people to watch you and then, if they do, you're going to be able to sell a hoodie. And it's sad to me. It's like we replaced religion with algorithms. Instead of praying to gods, we pray for likes. Instead of seeking enlightenment, we're seeking engagement. Hey, blessed fam, I just want to manifest some abundance. Swipe up to buy my course on finding meaning in the void Use code existential for 10% off your soul. But hey, you know, maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I think I'm just annoyed that I don't have more followers. But maybe when death comes, it'll check our follower count first, like, oh, you've got a blue checkmark and an Amazon storefront, I will take someone else. Yeah, I gave myself some crickets after that. One Felt appropriate, all right, so that's the episode I am very excited about.

David:

Next week, walk Sauce 42 will be on starting stand-up About an hour a little over an hour interview. Audio quality is dog shit. No, it's actually not bad. You're going to be able to hear the words. Audio quality is dog shit. No, it's actually not bad. You're going to be able to hear the words.

David:

But it was an impromptu interview with a very, very talented, very entertaining guy with a really cool story. You know him. You love him. Check him out on Instagram if you haven't already WalkSauce42 underscore. Walksauce42 underscore. Walksauce42 underscore. Look him up, go to his page and get ready to not leave his page for a long time. He's got so much funny stuff. This guy has exploded on Instagram. In one short year he's got hundreds of thousands of followers. He's famous in very moneyed places like Palm Beach actually in New York, and really he's just making fun of rich people in such a beautiful way. He's all love. He's got great vibes and starting stand-up Got him as he's taken off on a rocket ship. But let's be honest, this was his second interview ever and we got into his story, so you're going to hear it next week.

David:

Tune in Walk Sauce. Thanks for being here Starting stand-up. Once again, we're just building the plane as we fly it and that takes a lot of courage from you, the listener, to fly in a plane that is being built. I thank you, I love you, I hope you have an incredible week and, of course, enter into someone's enough of the genitalia, but I do hope that there's some kisses and hugs and lovemaking in your future. Okay, bye, tell you, but I do hope that there's some kisses and hugs and love making in your future. Okay, bye.