Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#19 - Clip Show- My Favorite Bits

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 19

Share episode

David shares his favorite bits from the following comics:

Sam Morrill, Pete Holmes, Geoffrey Asmus, JT Parr, Beth Stelling, Taylor Tomlinson, Jordan Jensen, Dave Attell, Ian Edwards, Aries Spears, Norm Macdonald


https://www.instagram.com/startingstandup
https://www.instagram.com/davidwalton
https://x.com/davidwalton
Email List
https://forms.gle/Xyd7Y2sLkbr5dey16

Speaker 1:

Starting stand-up is what happens when you point a microphone at the dawning awareness that you've got three good decades of life left, if you're lucky. Hi, I'm David Walton and after 20 years as a TV and film actor, I'm doing what any rational person would do with the revelation that I'm closer to death than birth. I'm attempting stand-up comedy at age 46. Stand-up comedy at age 46. So join me for an uncensored look at the business of stand-up. Open mics, battling creative demons, trying to turn this existential panic into punchlines.

Speaker 2:

It's part comedy workshop, part therapy session and most certainly career suicide.

Speaker 3:

Please enjoy. Oh man, that's rubbish, that's rubbish. Oh man, that's rubbish, that's rubbish.

Speaker 1:

Kids are on spring break, which means I'm just in a hurt locker. I really I don't. I just don't like being with my kids Now. That's not true. I love them to death.

Speaker 1:

But I will tease a future episode my wife and I very popular episode, the wife episode. So we're going to do a follow-up and so much of stand-up. This stage is talking about this, your stage of life. So early 20s people will talk about dating. If you just got married, you'll make you know. If you just went into labor, you'll, you'll make that labor story hilarious.

Speaker 1:

My wife and I have a 12 and 11 year old hilarious. My wife and I have a 12 and 11 year old and it's a very difficult stage. We're both really struggling. The truth is we're both around a lot or essentially stay at home, two stay at home parents, and so it's really just, and we live in Maine and there's no one around, so it's just like there's just too much hanging out. So there we have it, but I'm going to bring my wife on and we're going to mine our misery for material and then, because it's spring break and I just want to, you know, show my tits in Mexico. I think this episode should be a new segment, and it's going to be about showing, sharing the audio of standup sets that I love, that have hit me, I saved them and I'm just going to play some for you. That's what we're going to do today. Okay, without further ado, here is Sam Murill. We were sleeping together one night.

Speaker 5:

While we're doing it, I lost my erection. It's a terrible moment. You know what I mean. It just slides out like a drunk being asked to leave the bar and he's like I'll be back, and everyone's like I don't know, dude. And she got insecure. She was like is it me? And I was like yeah, it's not your fault. You're very attractive. It's just, we've done this a lot. You ever try to explain the situation. You make it 10 times worse. I was like look, the penis is like a guard dog for a stranger. It's gonna go crazy, but with familiarity it will soften. And she got angry, started screaming and cursing at me and then I got hard again. So it could be me.

Speaker 1:

Here is Pete Holmes.

Speaker 6:

My God is not an old man in the sky. It's a metaphor for a mystery that absolutely transcends all categories of human thought, including being and non-being. But that's too many words for the back of a quarter. That's Joseph Campbell. I got all the best teachers later in life, like Barry Taylor, the road manager for ACDC, said, god is the name of the blanket we put over the mystery to give it a shape. Shouldn't I have learned that in church? Why am I learning this from Barry Taylor, the road manager for ACDC?

Speaker 1:

Here is Jeffrey Ass-to-Mouth Asmus, Apologies.

Speaker 5:

You guys hear that the military draft women will get drafted. Now, if we have another war, it's interesting that women don't clap for that. Equality comes your way and suddenly, no, not that, that's not what we were talking about.

Speaker 7:

No no.

Speaker 5:

We kind of like staying home and getting free divorces. I think we should do the draft, but only for white women who like to travel. You always wanted to go to Europe, stephanie. Pack your bags. You're going to Kiev, honey. Your vision board worked, baby, join the right branch. You'll finally get to go skydiving. Your Tinder profile says down to earth. So get in that foxhole. What was the last line? Oh, you hate straight white men.

Speaker 1:

So put the finger to the trigger, babe.

Speaker 3:

Here is JT Parr. I'm a rich kid. A lot of people don't like that. I'm like I get it. But do you also dislike gay kids? Kids, because we were both born this way. Like I didn't choose this. God makes no mistakes. I will not be ashamed of loving my nanny if you don't love your nanny. You're a bitch straight up. Amelda, one of the most incredible women who ever lived. She used to pick me up from a little private Catholic junior high and she'd drive me home and she'd let me stick my ass out the window the whole way and the whole time she'd just go show the front, show the front. Yeah, yeah, she understood me.

Speaker 1:

Here is Beth Stelling.

Speaker 9:

Had guinea pigs growing up and we kept them in our garage and in the hot Ohio summers they absolutely died in there. We named one of the pigs Brownie, which in retrospect is extra sad. She was out there straight baking at 375. And my mom felt awful okay. So she let us give him a proper burial in the backyard and me and my sisters took those hard-bodied pigs not like ripped but like rigamortis hard and we buried them in the easiest place to dig. We put them right in the sandbox and a couple of neighborhood dogs came along, snarfed him right up. It was a tragedy all around and I really feel like it could have been avoided if we just had a dad. I don't know what dads do, but I assume it's regulate the garage temp. They're always in there tinkering around planning their escape. My dad didn't escape as much as he was asked to leave.

Speaker 1:

Here is Taylor Tomlinson.

Speaker 2:

I love TikTok, but you know what's so funny to me about TikTok? All these kids on TikTok who are lip syncing and dancing and pretending they're in a music video. Right here is Taylor Tomlinson you would have yourself right. And these kids are online like. I hope millions of people see this. It's like you could benefit from some bullying.

Speaker 2:

I think over corrected a bit here is jordan jensen but what was happening is the other day I was sucking a dick. I am straight. Isn't that crazy? It even feels weird for me to say it. I know that I'm dressed like a baseball player. Okay, I know I look like the fourth member of the Hanson Brothers, but I am a straight lady. I have lesbian moms. That's why I'm like this.

Speaker 2:

I was raised by a horde of homos, a pack of dykes and uh, yeah, it sucks, dude, being straight and being raised, but they didn't teach me how to be feminine. I've tried. I've tried copying you guys pulling the sweater up over the palms. Nothing works. And I'm sick of being bullied by lesbians. To be a lesbian. All y'all on the internet are like it's not a choice, we're born this way. And then you meet me and you're like make the choice, bitch. I'm not gay. I've tried it. I've tried eating pussy. I don't like it. It's too squishy, it's too soft. It's like a plate of poached eggs with no toast. I don't like it. I don't like it.

Speaker 2:

Are you drinking for any special occasion? What's going on? No, I just love the taste of it. You know what I mean. Yo, come on, is that what you really sound like? Are you doing a bit? Are you doing a bit?

Speaker 2:

What is with your generation? I mean, you know what I'm talking about and I can't even, and there's not even a way I would ever be able to do that, because that's absolutely crazy, and you, I would ever be able to do that, because that's absolutely crazy and you have to set boundaries. Is that really your voice? Let's try it, try it, let's just all right, let's give us a shot. Let's just give us a shot. Okay, just be like, let's just try saying what's like a practical thing.

Speaker 2:

Can you, would you, can you pop the hood? Try saying that Can you pop the hood? Okay, no, listen to me, we're gonna no, we're gonna get it right At the end of every word. You're doing a thing where you're going ah, okay, so you're going, it's okay, you're going. Can we pop the hood? Okay, so I want no breath, I just want can you pop the hood? Can you pop the hood? No, there's still breath. I'm gonna one more try. Okay, I don't think I can do that. What? Also another testament to our different generations. If some, if I was in the audience, I would be like I will get this right or my mother will disown me. You're like I actually know myself and I know that that's like beyond my capacity and I'm not really willing to move forward over what I'm capable of here is Dave Attell.

Speaker 1:

What does real?

Speaker 7:

loneliness look like. I'll tell you your own reflection in a microwave door. That's what it looks like that sad face staring at it. Turn, turn, turn, turn, turn. Turn into a woman. Do it. Good son people. You know what I did for my mom. I built her a ramp. Yeah, it was time for her to come back in, that's right. For two years she was feral and wild living in the yard. She was naked. I was afraid. She was naked, I was afraid. But now she's back in and better than ever.

Speaker 7:

Old people, they need companionship. Loneliness that's right is one of the big killers of elderly Loneliness and salt Loneliness. I'm a good son. I would not put up with that. You know what I did? I signed her up for OnlyF. Put up with that. You know what I did. I signed her up for OnlyFans. Yeah, that's what I did. I did the photography. I took a tasteful pic I'm talking very tasteful of her trying to get out of her shower chair and you know what? Like a mermaid. Yes, she looked like a mermaid by that I mean wet, and she couldn't walk Either way. Can a boy love his mother anymore? Is that a crime?

Speaker 4:

Here is Ian Edwards, Just so you know it's tougher for black people to believe in reincarnation Because right now I can blame white people for slavery. That's some fucked up shit you did back then. But just because I'm black now doesn't mean I was black in my past. I could be who I'm angry at. I could have been a slave owner. That could be my statue I made them take down. And they say when you fuck up in your past life, when you come back, your next life is harder. So, as a former white person, I'd like to warn you, new white niggas, that black lives matter. You know what I'm saying, because if they don't, you'll find out. So, no matter what race, nationality black, white, asian, palestinian or Jewish be good to people, because you don't know who you're going to come back to be. Because I definitely should have been a better slave owner the way my life is going. I was a top tier when I asked for it.

Speaker 1:

This is Aries Spears.

Speaker 8:

When I found out growing up totally shocked me. White kids are just as shocked to find out. Black kids don't talk back to their parents because we are when we hear them talk back to theirs. Because I used to have a little buddy would come over my house on the weekends a little night. We'd be in my room playing video games. My mother used to come in the room on us and cuss me out for no reason, just scare the shit out of both of us. Right, we'd be in the room playing mario brother. She come, kick open the door like SWAT. We on level four. She do.

Speaker 8:

Aries, how many times did I told you to clean this motherfucking room? Cut that goddamn game off and clean this room. I come back. This motherfucking room ain't clean. I'm gonna take that Nintendo cord, wrap it around your dick and stick it in your ass. Nigga, I ain't playing with you. This ain't no threat, this a promise. Try me, motherfucker. Try me. My wife, friend, would turn to me offended like dude. What the fuck she can't do that man? This is your space, this is your area. She's violating your right to privacy. You should say something. You want me to go say something? I'd be so scared I'd start talking to him like a slave from roots like you's gonna get knees and travis. I like you, nate. I started talking to him like a slave from roots Like you's gonna get knees in troubles. I like you, nate, I really do. But my parents is good black folk. They gives me food, they gives me sleeps. Now you get away from around here with that foolishness. Get from here.

Speaker 1:

Oh, Lord, Lord. And finally, here is my all-time favorite, Norm MacDonald.

Speaker 10:

People commit suicide. No one ever understands. You know what I mean. People commit suicide, people go. I don't understand why. And I go. You don't what. You live in a cotton candy house or something. What the fuck? You don't know about life, how it only disappoints and gets worse and worse until it ends in a catastrophe. What the fuck? There's two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck. One is, like we said, to escape this worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have. And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack up.

Speaker 1:

Oh man, do I go down norm mcdonald wormholes, hey. So thanks for checking out my swipe file of uh, some stand-up sets. Those were all people that I've kind of recently discovered. They're not the most famous people out there. Hopefully you hadn't heard of a lot of them. Some of them, david tells a legend, obviously norm mcdonald, and that was kind of cheating. But the rest I mean Sam Morrill's huge, I mean everyone's been doing this for years and years and years and has been a successful stand-up for years and years and years. It just goes to show you how hard it is sometimes to get on the to cross the bow of the public. I'll leave their names in the show notes and you should check out their larger specials, which are all over the place.

Speaker 1:

So happy spring break, February break and this spring we're going to be cooking. I look forward to the episode with my wife coming soon, as well as new material, joke development and news and also my first real show. So lots to look forward to. Thank you so much for making it all the way. I hope you enjoyed this sort of interim episode, Got some chuckles, and I wish you another week full of incredible joy and connection and hey, let's add some just money, you know. Make some money, spend it on things you love, even if it's, even if it's lovemaking. I don't think that was the right way to end it, but we're just going to stick with it. All right, everybody, Lots of love. See you next week, Thank you.