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Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton
This is an audio journal of actor, David Walton (Fired Up, New Girl, About a Boy, Bad Moms, Power:Ghost) as he builds a standup comedy set in public with the help of comedians and friends. New episodes every Thursday.
Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton
RE-RELEASE: Ep 9 - Majandra Delfino aka My Wife-The Interview
On vacation with wife and kid so appropriate to rerelease the episode where I ask my wife to point out my flaws.
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Hello, welcome back to Starting Stand Up. I'm whispering, I'm in the hallway of a hotel in Wellington, new Jersey. No, no, new Zealand, sorry, it's a little different. I've been up for about I don't know 30 hours and about to embark on a family vacation Really, I don't even know if you could call it that Just visiting my wife, who is here for work, and I brought the kids out. It's our first night and the internet's terrible and the episode I thought I was going to release is unlikely, if not impossible, with the current snail pace.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to re-release an episode. It's an episode where I interview my wife, and I thought it was appropriate, now that we've got 10 days trapped with our children and hopefully gathering lots of good material for our stand-up and maybe even some bonus material, I've got my microphone. Here in New Zealand, I'm literally sitting outside of someone's hotel room in the hallway because my children are sleeping, and well, this is life, this is life. So I guess I apologize for not having new material, but at the same time, I don't. And if you haven't listened to this podcast, you know it's getting a little taste, a little taste of it right now, and if you missed this episode, it was a popular one and it's just me and my wife talking about why she thinks how she thinks I can be funny and really just pointing out all my flaws. So here you go, a re-release of me interviewing my wife.
Speaker 2:Bye oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. So I have you on the podcast mahondra, because I'm very having a really hard time figuring out what's wrong with me.
Speaker 3:You know that I can make fun of what a thing. What a way to start. You can't find faults, none, oh, and so I've been like for seven months.
Speaker 2:I've been journaling and being like, trying to answer the question what are my faults? And I can't come up with any are you serious? Yeah, you clearly don't listen to the podcast you've, uh, you've come to the right place yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay, so is that what you need from me? Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:So I had this eureka moment as I sat down to record this stormy Wednesday night and it's you know, the podcast is coming out in a few hours and we like to fly by the seat of our pants here at Starting Stand Up, and so I sent up the wife signal and it was really wonderful how quickly you answered.
Speaker 3:Well, you were like can you come here and point out my flaws? I was like can I come right now?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you really were. You looked so excited.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so here we go.
Speaker 2:First of all, do you think I'm likable?
Speaker 3:Is that in your question? Wow, are all the questions going to be like fishing questions? Do you think I'm handsome?
Speaker 2:Scale of 1 to 10. How good looking, do you think? Do you think I'm likable? Do you think I'm funny? Do you love me?
Speaker 3:Okay, are you asking these questions? What's happening?
Speaker 2:Do you still love me? Oh my God. Okay, here we go. You have never seen me do stand-up.
Speaker 3:You have never listened to the podcast because it's too uncomfortable, which I understand. First of all, correction you have asked me not to go watch. You do stand-up correct and you even had. We have a very dear friend in common who is the reason I'm surrounded by all this beautiful art in the room I'm in kevin christie, kevin christie, and he even sent me a by accident sent me footage of you doing stand-up and you asked immediately that I not watch it I felt shame correct.
Speaker 3:My point is that you're encouraging me not divorced him after appearing because it was bad?
Speaker 2:yeah, because it's like completely changes the person. I think they were dating, but it was uh, it's someone, you know, I won't, I won't reveal him, but basically he was early in his career, he had just started dating this girl and he really wanted to be a stand-up and he brought her to a show and he could see from okay.
Speaker 3:Is he married to her now? Yeah, yeah, okay, what does she do? Is she in the in the biz? In the biz? No, the show biz, exactly no.
Speaker 2:So I think that's a different thing, yeah right, you're used to me making a complete fool of myself and doing shameful things, so it's it's what you're saying, is it shouldn't be that big a deal also.
Speaker 3:Just stand up is a very a holy grail of like balls right, you so it's held to a different standard in this home yes, yeah, you did.
Speaker 2:When I first said I was doing it, you, you did respect it. You started to respect me as a human for the first time. So tell me, not knowing what I'm already like, do you have any ideas of what my persona should be and what are the areas in which I could poke fun at myself up there?
Speaker 3:I think, and you know this is a tough. This is tough because it's layered, sure is. I think one of the things that's so amusing about you, that made you stand out to me, was your obsession with being likable, completely juxtaposed with this like cruelty, like in a funny way, you know, like you have this 80s villain side to you. That's quite funny in my opinion, especially when you're in tennis whites.
Speaker 1:You know, it's exactly.
Speaker 3:Lena Dunham, the great Lena Dunham, was quoted.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Making this observation about you.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 3:She said I have never, and this is you know. Wow, she said I have never and this is you know. Not the exact words, but it was. I've never seen someone say such douchey things and make them likable oh, thank you lana, I remember that.
Speaker 2:Uh, I was on the show bent and I played kind of a arrogant he was a, he was a good guy, but I guess lana liked the show. I believe she said she wanted to marry me I said you can have him. You did actually, Didn't you tweet her?
Speaker 3:I'm also quite I'm not sure if it was bent. Maybe she was a fired up fan.
Speaker 2:David, no, it was bent.
Speaker 3:But yeah, I think that that's what's so funny about you is how like just double popped collar douchey guy, one of your best friends, what is your definition of a douchebag?
Speaker 2:Let's start there, because there's many different ones and you often have different definitions of words than me.
Speaker 3:Well, that's like a very douchey thing to say right there. I would say a douchebag, your brand of douchebag.
Speaker 2:What do you consider a douchebag?
Speaker 3:There's like a few things like a like, a weird like put on deep voice. You know, like you got to have like the physical things right, what's up, man?
Speaker 1:how you doing?
Speaker 3:yeah, you got to be like look a certain way, you know, be like hey I want you to read at my wedding yeah, like you know, to your best friend who should be your. Whatever the male version is, you're made of honor that chad meme kind of yeah, chad tuckett chad tuckett yeah yeah but I'm not chad tuckett am I?
Speaker 2:you're not but I think that part of you like is making fun of it, and then you're slowly becoming it yeah, well, I can certainly act like a chad tuckett sometimes, although the chad tucketts of my day were different than the chad tucketts now. It just seems like.
Speaker 3:Chad Tucket is proliferating.
Speaker 2:It's all of an evolution, yeah but it just seems like it's everywhere. You know bros Bros just being so bro-y on video.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like, this is what it is.
Speaker 2:Bros in the past used to not ever want to videotape themselves being bros, and now everyone's just bro broing out, almost like trying to be famous.
Speaker 3:You're just sounding like an old bro who doesn't understand. You know that things are changing but you, just you. You're like a person who my teeny, tiny, lacoste wearing venezuelan cousins would watch in a movie and like try to imitate. Oh, you know thank you well, yeah, and, and you know, because there's obviously a language barrier there, so they don't realize that.
Speaker 2:Jokes on them but yeah, yeah, you understand like that definitely kind of understand you really don't. No, no, I mean, I get it in a way, I do. I understand now. You said there's three parts to douchebag. That's one right.
Speaker 3:so that's you know the, the voice, the, the way you carry yourself, just for the record, I want to say this is really enjoyable.
Speaker 2:Right now I'm very much enjoying this and from your facial expression it seems like your experience is a complete opposite.
Speaker 3:Well, one.
Speaker 2:I'm like in a corner in the room and I feel it's also just, you know, in a room by yourself, I'm in your office and you're at your office desk, so I'm not for anyone listening. I'm not placed in your corner, no, but the exit is behind you. Yeah, I am blocking your exit as.
Speaker 3:I'm describing why you're a douche. You know it's dangerous, but yeah, so there's that. That's the physical, that's how you sound. And then the thing of like. You know, this is the thing about Like, right, when you're like what a douche, he knows when to like, sweeten up and get like a cute twinkle in his eye, and you know.
Speaker 2:Sincere. Yes, he can switch between douchery and sincerity and earnestness.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So you're like, oh, is he just the whole? Oh, he's actually a really great guy.
Speaker 2:I see, you know yeah.
Speaker 3:And that you do very well. It's very funny.
Speaker 2:It can. Well, it's very funny, I can fluctuate. Okay, that's interesting. So, and is there a?
Speaker 2:third element, or just sort of the body and then the, and then the ability to elements, to a douchebag you know, but yeah but I think it's overused at this point, to the point where I don't know what it means right, right you know, it's sort of like if you were to read a film script and be like you know, jimmy, you know chad tuggett douchebag there's's like the Saturday Night Live version of that and then in many ways, all dude, all sort of You're a.
Speaker 3:Boston douchebag. You're a Boston prep school douchebag.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:That's what, if I had to, you know three words in a script. I don't think you are David. You look like you're about to cry, but that's when you let yourself go there. Sure it, when you let yourself go there. It's very amusing.
Speaker 2:Okay, great. So it's how I landed you.
Speaker 3:I got you because of my douche. No, I liked you because you had sort of like a secret Dick Van Dyke thing going on.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, what was the dog you think?
Speaker 3:I'm like, yeah, marmaduke.
Speaker 2:Marmaduke, and then he's a clumsy, complete spastic idiot. No, marmaduke was lovely, didn't Marmaduke?
Speaker 3:Marmaduke, and then he's a clumsy, complete spastic idiot. No, marmaduke was lovely.
Speaker 2:Didn't Marmaduke just completely trash houses him.
Speaker 3:Well, it's just because he was so tall.
Speaker 2:Oh, I think he was like a. I think he was a complete mess. I mean, right, I never really saw it, but he seemed to be causing a tremendous amount of problems for his owner.
Speaker 3:Anyway, yeah, I just think he was in the wrong place.
Speaker 2:That Marmaduke thing I always was insulted by.
Speaker 3:But I let you keep saying it because I love you so much.
Speaker 2:So anyway, no guy wants to be considered a Marmaduke. You know what I mean. But there was another one. It was Marmaduke. And then what else? What was the other? Oh, Dick Van Dyke. Dick Van Dyke.
Speaker 3:Yes, because you just seem to me like you were gonna be someone who's like wakes up and it's just like I'm so lucky man, I'm, you know like, look at this face, look at this body that you know more or less.
Speaker 2:I mean, come on, uh, and that thing of just like a dick van dyke right, I didn't watch dick, but he was just a happy guy at a great age he always found.
Speaker 3:You know the comedy and things. He was a comedy writer. I think you you have it in you to be a celebratory guy, but you feel like you don't earn it and that's just not how it worked, you know oh, you mean I, I self-sabotage I think you feel like shame in being happy with things because it's like that's not how, that's not how the princeton boy, like you know whatever the fuck gets great at rowing and it's like who cares.
Speaker 2:You mean? You think I have to be in pain in order, I believe I have to be lashing myself and in psychic pain in order to succeed.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm getting better at articulating your thoughts with my words. No no, I think it's really important, all kidding aside, to be able to articulate what the other person is saying, because a lot of times, Just another way of no.
Speaker 2:no, we have been in so many what I would say avoidable arguments, because I'm not doing that and I think you mean something, and now I'm getting upset by something that I think you mean and you didn't mean it. And if I just made sure I was receiving information correctly, most of the unpleasantness could be avoided. And that is why this podcast is morphing from a comedy podcast to a relationship therapy podcast. Mahandra say more.
Speaker 3:I would like to say that say more is a wonderful segue into. We had a couples therapist who fired us.
Speaker 2:You say that I'm telling you David. You're fired.
Speaker 3:Not like that, because she's lovely and the best there is out there, but she was just like guys, it's the same thing. And she did say to you that you need to say less.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, I'm happy to report that what our therapist said 11 years ago it's the same thing I'm happy to report is still the same thing, it's the same. And that's the name of the new podcast that we're launching, the Same Thing Called, and we'll be sharing our relationship problems to the world, and the digital universe will become our therapy for free, hopefully, with sponsors now. Um, that's a joke and working on my jokes, you haven't laughed. I've noticed. You haven't laughed once at anything.
Speaker 3:I'm saying I there you go. You gotta laugh. I I did read that. That was like a thing before you marry someone, like you know how they're. Like you're gonna see this person ill, they're gonna smell whatever. You always read the same thing, but it did say this one which stood out was, like it said uh, the same recycled jokes, as you know. Another thing to pile on there of just like wanting to murder the person after a while yeah, and I thought that was very, very profound and very true.
Speaker 3:you know, when you're just always hearing me say like the same, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Marriage. I mean, what is it 13 years now? So it's like we, when we have a lot of older couple friends you know, and you can just see a wife just like watching their husband stick for the one thousand two hundred eighty seventh time and just being like completely dead in the eyes while everybody chuckles. It's so funny to me it's so funny and sad and tragic. Moving on Whoa I had a little chill.
Speaker 3:You got a tick suddenly Back to me.
Speaker 1:Back to me.
Speaker 2:We haven't really gotten anywhere. What you're trying to say is my persona should be douchebag, but I should keep people on their toes and get kind of real and sensitive at times. It's just so tricky because I would say, your persona should be who you are, just usually most stand-ups. Or they are who they are, just exaggerated a bit.
Speaker 3:Right, but like you don't, especially in this climate, you don't want to go out there and be a fucking monster.
Speaker 2:That's what I mean. I mean like I could double pop my collar and I could roll out there and be like what's up, bitches? And then just be like I'm a douchebag, see it's not even that guy.
Speaker 3:See, you're making him more masculine, not that you're feminine, but meaning you're making him like a meathead. This is not a meathead.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's a non-meathead douchebag. This is.
Speaker 3:You know, I have an, an $80 cream I use at night.
Speaker 2:A rich douchebag, exactly, okay. Okay, we're getting somewhere, we're getting more specific with him.
Speaker 3:He's not rich, right, but he looks up to that.
Speaker 2:He's rich enough.
Speaker 3:He's rich enough, but he's going to exude a top 1%, he's going to get a two-door BMW the minute his show gets picked up Right, but he's going to exude top 1%. He's going to exude top one percent. People are going to say are you a walmart walton? And he's not going to deny it, even though he's not. Yeah, you know I fear.
Speaker 2:You got you that's interesting, okay. So you want me to be a rich douchebag? Yeah, okay, on stage, and then. So now how?
Speaker 3:it's not even you know what I'm talking about. You don't have to. Well, you can. Yeah, I know what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Look it's this is subtle thing we're talking about a deep character here, but what people are noticing, like Kevin Christie, who we're going to talk about, who's give you the artwork in your office, like he was. Like I did a comedy store open mic which I haven't shared with anybody. I think back on it and I shiver with shame because I wrote the whole five minutes in a car, like an hour before, and I was just like yeah, like yeah, I'm gonna do this new thing on feces, because that's what Kevin said to do and I did this bit about fecal filiacs and another word for fecal filiacs is being German and I just started ripping on Germans. I thought that was a pretty good joke and we did get a good laugh right, but um, but it's like, not authentic to like no, and it was all absurd.
Speaker 2:It was just this kind of like I. I kept thinking of weird things to talk about that no one ever talks about and everyone just is like looking.
Speaker 2:It was all just about how yeah, it's just bombastic, yeah it's just saying things that you don't think anyone's ever heard and thinking that'll be enough. Anyway, my point is this Kevin afterwards was like dude, you need to write jokes. And I was like he was very nice about it. We had a nice dinner at Canner's, the famous deli in LA, anyway, and he said and you may want to cover up your arms.
Speaker 2:Now, for those who don't know me or ever meet me, I have these weird outsized arms, like, where sometimes if I'm working out, my arms get like as big as my legs. I look like some weird chimpanzee and I remember one of my nephews watching me play tennis. He's like Uncle Dave looks like a chimpanzee and I was hunched over, you know like. And so I, he's like, cover those arms up because it makes. And it's like this weird mysterious thing where I think people want they don't. They're not on your side when you get on stage, maybe at these like family, these open mics, they're a little bit more, but like people are judging you immediately how you look and they're gone. Who is this guy? I think he is. This guy thinks he's funny, and sovin's point was like just don't like.
Speaker 2:Don't like, show off your bod in any way but then you see, you know, eddie murphy rolls out in a skin-tight leather suit, just looking so sexual and but he's such, eddie murphy, but eddie, and eddie and I are so similar.
Speaker 3:You know what I know, but like kevin christie is so kevin christie right right he's not this like malleable thing. I mean he is because he's a great actor of our time, but he really does have like a persona just on his own. And this is what I find so interesting about you is that I feel like there's the persona that you were brought up to feel you have to do, which is always like I, I'm gonna disarm you and just prove that I'm just, we're just the loveliest, like oh, like cocktail charm party yeah, just like we're, you know, barefoot and chill and uh, you know.
Speaker 3:But it's like then you're the same guy that like walks down the street on large font. It's like, uh, homeless people, you know you love telling that story because it was listen. I'm a person who is obsessed with homeless people and that got me what do you mean?
Speaker 2:it got you. What does that mean?
Speaker 3:because it was. So. It's like here's this guy who's really nice and is concerned with you know, seeming nice and is nice, you know like, spends his time being like a good marmaduke to everyone, but like he just has, he feels put out by homeless people, certain situations.
Speaker 2:I think everyone can relate to certain moods where you're like no, you go the seventh homeless person asking you for something you're like.
Speaker 3:Okay, like you said you go, what am I supposed to do? Like do I stop? Every time it was like a neurotic musing, but it's like the opening line was oh, homeless, you know it just.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it got you laughed.
Speaker 3:It made me laugh so hard.
Speaker 2:The cruelty. I think you've always laughed at sort of accidental cruelty.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because it's almost like a childlike cruelty. Yeah, like when a kid is like that guy's fat. Yeah, and you're like Jesus yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're like Jesus, yeah, yeah, but in a certain circumstance you're like it's so pure of spirit, exactly, and you did always think I was a very earnest person who had a good heart, you know.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, which has changed dramatically.
Speaker 3:Well, that's what's funny to me about you?
Speaker 2:is that you've?
Speaker 3:done such a great job of like imitating the douchey like guy who, like on a dime, goes to golf in the bahamas with bunch of guys from yale that you've like become.
Speaker 3:I don't have the old friend go ahead sorry, harvard, there you go, um that you've kind of become that guy. You know what I mean. So it's very funny to me like you have had full, like baby fits in front of me, that I don't pay enough attention to you and that I'm mean to you and you're like in full tennis whites, you know yeah, I mean, but you're just so judgy of tennis, you know.
Speaker 2:I love tennis but you, you, you, yeah, you're very anti anyway. Well, this isn't about you. We can talk about you and on your stand-up podcast, this is about me. We need to stay focused. Um, so what have I learned? Let's sum it up We've learned it all. Now I would say that I'm more confused now. I don't know where we stand.
Speaker 3:I don't know if I thought this was about your stand-up comedy.
Speaker 2:No, it is, I'm just teasing, I'm just making dumb jokes. Okay, now I think Let me tell you what I'm struggling with is that you need something very quick. You know 30 seconds, hey, how's it going? Everybody, and in this first 30 seconds you have to define who you are and obviously you have the visual thing helping. So, if you have, but a lot of people are just wearing non-distripped clothes, right. So you need you need to make them laugh right away, and and that that can easily happen.
Speaker 2:When you just make some clever comment about some reality in the room, it could be the comic right before you said something you had an idea to play off of, that. You mention him and you get a big laugh, but you want to have something in your quiver that is loaded, that's ready. That isn't so environment related. That is generally self-deprecating and it just gives the audience this feeling of okay, that was a good joke, that's funny.
Speaker 2:This guy doesn't take himself seriously. He's laughing at himself. It's okay to laugh at him and it really lubes everyone up to have a good time and it does show that you're a professional and it and it, and if you look now at almost all started stand-up. They do everyone, they all do it. They all do it immediately. You know they just, they just say something that somehow deprecates themselves and sums up their style, and so that's what we're searching for, that's what I'm asking for help on. It's not necessarily a vibe and a persona yet, because that is not something you really choose. In a weird way, the audience this is the advice I've been given by many people the audience kind of chooses that for you and a lot of times that's a surprise.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what they respond to yeah, and what you start to lean into because you're like, oh, they really like it when I'm like this guy or that, or more crass or less, or nerdy or whatever you know, you start to form and you don't want to pick some persona before it organically kind of developed.
Speaker 3:Right, but you're in the process right now of having you know you're trying on a few different things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I would say every time I get up there and I haven't been publicizing them. I haven't been publishing these open mics because I'm a little. There's a part of me that just wants to like, kind of show you guys a longer. I sort of have all this chapter of prior in the spring, a long break, and now we're back with more knowledge and we're doing them and I want to get them a little tighter before I share them. But anyway, this is all to say that I'm really searching for this self-deprecation that can kind of set the tone, and what I'm doing now is there is quite a lot of dirty not dirtiness like blue, but it's an honesty.
Speaker 2:It's just shit, yeah, just shit and piss. No, there's an old, yeah. If it comes. If it comes out of a hole, don't talk about it. If it goes into a hole, you can talk about it. I think that's the rule.
Speaker 3:But any hole can take it right. Well, that's a great point.
Speaker 2:But you know what I? Mean the right spirit, Like piss and shit is not going to be funny, but sex is very.
Speaker 3:Oh, I see what you. Or anal sex, very clean sex, got it. Or mouth sex.
Speaker 2:So, so anyway. So that's what I'm searching for and I'm so physically, what do you think I could? I have a lot of ear growth, hair growth, you know that kind of stuff. Oh, make fun of yourself physically, that's so stupid.
Speaker 3:David, but it's not, everybody does it, it's like Brooke Shields getting up there, you know, or whatever. Like me, like my nose hair, like look, you're at a deficit because of the way you look, okay, okay, and keep going. For you to, for you to get up there and be self-deprecating and wear a fucking flannel and be like I have ear hair and like I have to hide my beautiful arms, like it's so stupid of course people are gonna hate you.
Speaker 3:I would fucking throw something at you if I was another dude. Okay, well, that's as a girl.
Speaker 2:They're gonna fucking throw something at you if I was another dude, okay, well, that's as a girl, they're gonna throw their underwear at you, so congratulations.
Speaker 3:But you don't have to do stand-up for that um so I would try just once and this is what's tough, because this is what I find funny about you and I don't know that this is universally- funny, tell me is like you get up there. Like what's his face? Just like a touch of american psycho like bateman patrick bateman it's the greed is good era.
Speaker 3:It's like that some I can't explain. When you just tap into that a little, when you, when you know that that's in the sauce that made this douchebag, it's just so funny to me. I mean, maybe that's what it is is like look, you are personally annoyed with how much you have to be careful. You know you may, he loves to joke.
Speaker 3:Millions of people are no, no, no, I know, but like you look right, but that doesn't annoy exactly, so that that's there. You go there, there are your people. But like you can, like I will say something about my own people and get like a weird look where I'm like of course, because people are so nervous they don't want to laugh and I'm like, no, no, I'm allowed to say that, whatever right right, right who are your people, again the hispanic latins yes, so like even when you like to do this interview with an accent for the rest of the way, can I?
Speaker 2:but can you get a little bit?
Speaker 3:no, no, do a little bit I'm doing an accent of your people no, I know, but can I really talk like this? At least this is how I normally talk, no, but like you'll say, my immigrant wife to people that used to get a laugh and now it doesn't as much people you are an immigrant, I know yeah, but my point you understand, so maybe that's what your thing could be. It's just like a guy up there wearing pete's fashion, you know pete's fashion is a is made to measure tay.
Speaker 2:that would come into LA and we would all go get sport coats for less than you could buy. And, like I don't know, brooks Brothers was a screaming deal because the tailors in Hong Kong obviously are, you know do not have good working conditions.
Speaker 3:David, that right, there is your log line. I mean, from comparing prices to Brooks Brothers, to sports, that you were in your 20s?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I was a bachelor in Los Angeles, and you know, look, everyone knows that dressing properly and well, like an adult and not a college student, is going to help get you laid and so and it's going to make you feel good.
Speaker 3:Just so not true in LA.
Speaker 2:No it did, though Everyone was getting so much action because you didn't know the other alternative.
Speaker 3:You never even tried to wear just a normal t-shirt.
Speaker 2:We were what would you call? We were what you'd call like an east coast expats boarding school kids los angeles.
Speaker 2:For those who've never lived there, uh is is a weird, weird place that attracts just this wide swath of some of the lowest level people you've ever met desperate and sad and and and valueless, but also incredible people, extremely creative, smart, fun and in the early days you're wandering around and you're just like everyone feels creepy. I got nothing in common with any of these people. And and then you find you know some people who maybe grew up on the East Coast and, you know, went to boarding schools and so we started hanging out. And then you're like, oh, I feel like I now have a crew.
Speaker 3:Exactly, and the irony is, for most women, a crew of expat boarding school guys that are buying sports coats from the Beverly Hilton Incredibly attractive. Couldn't be more dangerous of expat boarding school guys that are buying sports coats from the beverly hilton incredibly attractive couldn't be more dangerous and feel more creepy that's now. But no, no, oh, david, oh my god back then no, but anyway, the point is, your group is incredibly attractive but also really sweet.
Speaker 3:That's, that is the david walton pond right, there's a douchiness, there's a uh-oh, there's a, for sure, one of these guys put something in my drink and it's like no one put anything in your drink. No, they're all sweet, they're all vulnerable. They're all journaling. And they're all going to cry. One's going to cry by the end of the night, telling everybody else how much they love.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, a lot of love, a lot of love, some ecstasy, but mostly non-ecstasy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there was so much emotion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a lot of just being in touch with. But I have noticed that, not to digress, that men are increasingly comfortable expressing their love for one another. The bro love is very deep out there and that's a new thing, that's a beautiful thing that I encourage and and like to see just men hugging, telling them each other that they love them. We were kissing each other on the cheek back in in early 2000 and that's now much more ubiquitous, but I felt like we were early adopters of that and um, even though the italians have been doing it well.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was just gonna say my, my people, the men, kiss each other and they cry more, yeah, yeah. So look, I'm gonna take credit for everything.
Speaker 2:We're first, first movers on an enormous amount of things. We've set a lot of trends in motion um, just in a short couple years. So is that more of the vibe that you think I should be going for on stage?
Speaker 3:it's kind of a delusional, arrogant douchebag, or or maybe it's just like an aging out douche, like meaning you are frustrating but do you know what I'm saying? Like it's, it's more that thing of railing against what. Like what you're allowed to say, what you're not allowed to say, what you're allowed to do I think there's a lot of people that you could speak for yeah no and I know a lot of people do that, but it is coming from um, that boarding school sect is very special
Speaker 2:yeah, we have digressed, but this is helpful to me because I think ultimately I have to speak about that. Like you know, people, ultimately if I'm going to put together, let's say, an hour of material, you're going to talk about your life and I gotta mind the comedy of sort of this boarding school sect and what prep school is. There's a lot that can be shared that is funny with the world, I think oh yeah, I mean you.
Speaker 3:You can just start your set explaining to people what fucking boarding school is yeah, but they won't laugh, I think no, no no, but meaning it's just like setting it up yeah and then you know in you go, I have no idea who. Who the fuck am I to say? But my point is so I I want to I want to in an ode to val.
Speaker 2:This is a shout-out to Val, who's the manager of the comedy cellar in New York. She got attacked violently at the 42nd Street Times Square station and recently there's a GoFundMe for her, so I will put the link to her GoFundMe in this podcast. Not that anyone knows Val, but I would love it if people donate any any amount for her health care bills that are going to be extensive, but anyway, val had said something to me when, as a advice and she knows you know she's good friends with Amy Schumer, she knows everybody and she was like just write down your life facts and write them down, the most boring ones, just write them all down, and so I did, and I'm just going to list them for you, okay, oh boy Okay.
Speaker 2:One of seven kids grew up in Boston, but not the famous Boston for movies, the suburb suburb boring Boston. All my sisters are all American athletes not all but two of the four, and the other ones were very good, um, you know, all-star high school athletes. My parents are not good athletes. I grew up in a huge house. It felt normal. Kids just don't understand. Um, I hit puberty summer after ninth grade. I was really skinny as a kid. I wish I was. I always wished I was stronger and bigger. Uh, girls terrified me. It was an all boys school, so girls always terrified me until I started going to school with them. Um, but I wanted them so bad. I liked the girls that were advanced, you know, like I liked girls that can you say this sluts. Can you say that word?
Speaker 3:Or just like fast, I guess. Yeah, I like fast. I thought you meant like intellectually advanced.
Speaker 2:No, no, I meant fast. I was always like why are these my friends making fun of this girl for putting out like that's so exciting? Then you don't have to deal with all this like neuroses about sex. You know what I mean. Yeah, it didn't make sense to me. Yeah, no, no. No comment from her.
Speaker 3:No, I just don't understand neuroses about sex when you're young enough to not have neuroses? You were huge.
Speaker 2:Early early I went to Jeez early, early, early I went to. Um, I went to brown, which is an ivy league school, but I was ashamed because it wasn't harvard, yale or princeton, it was what me and my friends would call it the ghetto ivy, because our, our uh, endowment was so small compared to all the other ivy league schools. Um, my sisters were all goody two-shoes and I felt enormous pressure to be good as well, like not break rules, not do drugs, not do all that stuff. Um, so I felt like I was really letting them down. When I first started smoking crack. That was actually a joke that I wrote in. That's not true. I haven't smoked crack. I would probably do it in the right circumstance. It's been a misunderstood, misunderstood drug. Um, my dad was born in 1940. My mom was born in 1940. My mom was born in 1944.
Speaker 3:These are just facts. Are you bored? No, the crack thing. I just don't think there's any circumstances where that's not going to be a bummer.
Speaker 2:We'll talk about that off the line. You're going to want more right away.
Speaker 3:That's the beauty of crack.
Speaker 2:I'll pitch a book that is called Drug Use for Grownups and it's by Dr Hart and it's an excellent book.
Speaker 3:Does he talk about crack 100%? Oh, okay, well, I've got to read that chapter.
Speaker 2:He's the head of neuropharmacology at Columbia, a top, top professor who is open about his heroin use and he does it without any ill effect on his life. Anyway, really interesting book and will make you rethink drugs. Okay, so my parents were married. I think she was 27. It was my mom's second marriage and she already had two kids and she was only 26. I never got spanked, but I found out this weekend that my sister and brother did from my dad.
Speaker 3:Spanked. Yeah, like put over the knee and spanked my oldest sister.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and my brother.
Speaker 3:How demeaning.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I never did so. Clearly something changed. My dad had a huge temper, like a scary temper, um, but he's a. He's a lovable teddy bear.
Speaker 2:Uh, I worked as a mani for a six-year-old boy in Hyannisport, right next to the Kennedy compound. I first job was delivering newspapers. I've worked at a camp counselor, done construction for a summer, waited tables, taught us ATs. I sold knives for Cutco. I've done some extra work on a Peter Gallagher movie, played baseball and hockey for my town. I played tennis, golf and sailed and skied. High school I played soccer, hockey and I rode College. I rode for one year. I was in a sketch comedy troupe in college with the famous John Krasinski and many others called Out of Bounds. I was in an improv group called spit in high school, st paul's improv theater, and I moved to new york city after college to make it as an actor.
Speaker 2:It's interesting, as I say, those facts. You get this little tickle that there's something there to make you know, there's, there's things there, you know, and I think val this is an ode to val, uh, who, uh, we're thinking about is. Is that's? That's what she's going for? Is that? Sometimes simple facts are interesting to people. They just want to know some little thing about you. And then, what is your riff on those things, do you agree?
Speaker 3:I do Well, at least things that people find interesting, that they don't know necessarily much about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like any of those things, does any of them pop out as an area of exploration?
Speaker 3:Well, I only know none of those things. Would I any of them pop out as an area of exploration? Well, I only know none of those things. Would I personally be like, wait, tell me more? No, no, because they're not that that you know foreign to me. But I have marveled at how people respond to hearing that you went to boarding school yeah they think it's a punishment which is wild right you know that's an interesting thing.
Speaker 3:I mean it's crazy the way people respond to that. You know that's an interesting thing. I mean it's crazy. The way people respond to that and the way people respond to your height is like shocking. You know, it's just not something that I would consider until now, I know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think there's a lot of mining. A fun story would be when that doctor felt my balls and told me I had many more years of really, really aggressive growth?
Speaker 3:yeah, I won't, yeah, not there, just in height not there, unfortunately, just in height the balls were already huge. The balls.
Speaker 2:No, the balls were so small. He was basically like you, I, I went. The story goes like this and I'll say it anyway. I went from five foot four to six'0 in one year and so that's 8 inches.
Speaker 2:And he felt my 8-inch dick and he said you've got a lot more years of growth now. That's not true. He pulled my pants down and he looked at my balls and he said you've grown 8 inches. And he didn't say based on your balls, but I knew that's what he was thinking You've got a few more years of this kind of growth. And he goes. I'm looking at a minimum of six foot seven, most likely six foot ten and potentially seven feet, and I started crying. I was a hockey player. I sucked at basketball. I immediately envisioned myself as a freak with like narrow shoulders who looked like Manute Ball and would never get laid and it it really, really made me upset, and so I got in the car.
Speaker 2:I was crying all the way home. I'm a 12 year old boy. I'm a 13 year old boy. I can't remember, and my mom is like comforting me and she's like you know you, just all you got to do is start smoking a ton of pot and you'll be fine. It's not your growth. I just added that joke. You don't see that? Okay, perfect example. If I was writing, I'd be like, yeah, I'll do a little bit about my mom telling me to smoke pot.
Speaker 3:Honestly, that's like something my mother would have said, so I was like trying to suss out.
Speaker 2:No, no, but so I say that joke and I look at you and it's for those listening at home, it's just stone faced and I'm like, is this one of those things where I've said this joke before because I didn't think it was bad, I thought it was worthy of like a at least a tickle of a smile, or something I got excited for.
Speaker 3:A second thought that your mom yeah see, that's your issue yeah, you're too close to it.
Speaker 2:I know you guys at home are laughing your ass off, uh, anyway.
Speaker 2:So the point I'm trying to make is that's a story that you can milk and it's and it's, and it's something that is self-deprecating and I could get into, as, as a look, I've always been insecure about my height. I know it's crazy to say everyone wants to be tall, but being tall sucks, and I could talk about the various ways it sucks. You know. You know your dick looks smaller just relative to your body. Your, your knees hit the airplane seat uh you can't go. You're spoon with anyone you can't spoon, you can't 69, you can't well, you can 69.
Speaker 3:It just can get awkward no, you have to literally do a 69 in like a crunch.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I'm constantly contracting and then because I, I mean, I you know six, love six, and so make it work, but uh, yeah, you'd have to be on.
Speaker 3:It's really complicated.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I mean, I haven't done it in 14 years, but it's, I love it, you know, and uh, oh, I was just looking at your face, looking just imagining you and krasinski in costa rica just 69ing.
Speaker 2:I did go on a vacation with just me, and that's for another time, but anyway, um. So my point I'm trying to make is there's a run of jokes. You know we're we're riffing here, but there's, I think, what I'm going to come away because it's it's time, it's over, uh, and will you come back on the show? Has this been a pleasant experience?
Speaker 3:sure you can have a do less t-shirt. It's a real undertaking what you're doing, david, yeah it is.
Speaker 2:It really is. No, it's a long journey, but it's very impressive and really challenging yep and um.
Speaker 3:I'm so anxious right now for you.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 3:No, it's just listen it's no joke.
Speaker 2:No, but the stakes. I mean, look if I, if I spend five years doing this.
Speaker 3:Yes, the stakes aren't real to anybody else, but it's just like it's. So it's just such a tough sort of thing to at first like understand and land on you.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, it's already in failure. It's I think it's. It's very fascinating. It's really hard. It sucks that you have to go and wait at open mics for an hour and a half and drive and go do them like I wish. I think I'm going to sign up for like a comedy camp and I know I was warned not to do these, but but there's one in LA, oh. God, no, no, not a camp, but like one where you can just get you know tons of reps and have people around.
Speaker 2:But if you were recommended not to do it, then that means no, that's just two people, by the way and the truth is I need, I know what I need and I need to be around people and I need to be in it and immersed.
Speaker 3:Right. To be forced to be writing all the time and performing all the time. This isn't like golf camp, no. I know this might just be like going to LA for an extended period of time and hanging out.
Speaker 2:Just relax.
Speaker 3:With comedians.
Speaker 2:Anyway. So but yeah, this has been very helpful. I like that I read through the facts. There's some things that I realized that I can go try out and we can keep building on it. But you know, I think my height is definitely something that would seemingly not be self-deprecatable, because people want to be tall, but I'm like right on the edge of too tall I really am.
Speaker 3:You are.
Speaker 2:And sometimes I feel like a giraffe. I look at a picture. I'm like I look like Manute Bull and it's like when I'm and especially on. I did this show called Power Ghost and my boy, gianni, is shorter than me and like we had one scene and people were just like holy shit, it's like Gianni looks like this yoked MMA fighter.
Speaker 3:And I look like I'm going to blow away in the wind. Yeah, you're like a fucking reed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just like. Yeah, it just sucks, you know. So I still have insecurities about my height and I got to figure out a way to you know, to. Just maybe that's a good way to start. And then the vibe, the persona. That's stuff that I'll wait on, but I'll certainly experiment with coming out with a bit more of an arrogant vibe. Let's just call it that for the sake of the douchebag.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:More arrogant, more like owning it and more like you know what this is my stage and like I'm going to go. But you know, I'll just test it because, why not? That's what you got to do. Yeah, we'll see, we'll see, I, we'll see, we'll see. I hope you enjoyed this. I really do. Thank you, mahondra. As much as we struggle to have a conversation with our kids around, it's so annoying I think we may have found a way to actually have a fun, substantive conversation.
Speaker 3:We just try to find your flaws.
Speaker 2:I can do this all the time 've got so many much, so many more to cover, but if you enjoyed this, uh, and you can find what are you pitching? Anything you want to plug, anything before we leave me. Yeah no, I thought you meant pitch, uh no you want to plug anything to the huge starting stand-up audience?
Speaker 3:um no, if anything, I'd like you to change my voice and say I'm a different person can you do that?
Speaker 1:no, I'm kidding I'm kidding.
Speaker 3:I'm so proud to be on this okay, good, well, I appreciate it.
Speaker 2:And uh, I've got a wakanichi t-shirt, a do less t-shirt, which is my uh mantra in life doing everyone's doing too much, so um yeah thank you.
Speaker 3:Ripping storm's a ripping storm.
Speaker 2:How about some Bennery? What the fuck is that Inside joke All?
Speaker 3:right. Is that your sign off?
Speaker 2:Yeah, a little bit, all right, work on that. This is genius, all right.
Speaker 1:Bye, bye now.
Speaker 2:See you next week, thank you.