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Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton
This is an audio journal of actor, David Walton (Fired Up, New Girl, About a Boy, Bad Moms, Power:Ghost) as he builds a standup comedy set in public with the help of comedians and friends. New episodes every Thursday.
Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton
RE-RELEASE: Ep 9 - Majandra Delfino aka My Wife-The Interview
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On vacation with wife and kid so appropriate to rerelease the episode where I ask my wife to point out my flaws.
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Hello , welcome back to Starting Stand Up . I'm whispering , I'm in the hallway of a hotel in Wellington , new Jersey . No , no , new Zealand , sorry , it's a little different . I've been up for about I don't know 30 hours and about to embark on a family vacation Really , I don't even know if you could call it that Just visiting my wife , who is here for work , and I brought the kids out . It's our first night and the internet's terrible and the episode I thought I was going to release is unlikely , if not impossible , with the current snail pace .
Speaker 1So I'm going to re-release an episode . It's an episode where I interview my wife , and I thought it was appropriate , now that we've got 10 days trapped with our children and hopefully gathering lots of good material for our stand-up and maybe even some bonus material , I've got my microphone . Here in New Zealand , I'm literally sitting outside of someone's hotel room in the hallway because my children are sleeping , and well , this is life , this is life . So I guess I apologize for not having new material , but at the same time , I don't . And if you haven't listened to this podcast , you know it's getting a little taste , a little taste of it right now , and if you missed this episode , it was a popular one and it's just me and my wife talking about why she thinks how she thinks I can be funny and really just pointing out all my flaws . So here you go ,
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Speaker 1a re-release
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Speaker 1of me interviewing
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Speaker 1my wife .
Speaker 2Bye
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Speaker 2oh man , that's rubbish . That's rubbish
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Speaker 2. So I have you on the podcast mahondra , because I'm very having a really hard time figuring out what's wrong with me .
Speaker 3You know that I can make fun of what a thing . What a way to start . You can't find faults , none , oh , and so I've been like for seven months .
Speaker 2I've been journaling and being like , trying to answer the question what are my faults ? And I can't come up with any are you serious ? Yeah , you clearly don't listen to the podcast you've , uh , you've come to the right place yeah .
Speaker 3Okay , so is that what you need from me ? Yeah , exactly .
Speaker 2So I had this eureka moment as I sat down to record this stormy Wednesday night and it's you know , the podcast is coming out in a few hours and we like to fly by the seat of our pants here at Starting Stand Up , and so I sent up the wife signal and it was really wonderful how quickly you answered .
Speaker 3Well , you were like can you come here and point out my flaws ? I was like can I come right now ?
Speaker 2Yeah , you really were . You looked so excited .
Speaker 3Yeah , so here we go .
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Speaker 2First of all , do you think I'm likable ?
Speaker 3Is that in your question ? Wow , are all the questions going to be like fishing questions ? Do you think I'm handsome ?
Speaker 2Scale of 1 to 10 . How good looking , do you think ? Do you think I'm likable ? Do you think I'm funny ? Do you love me ?
Speaker 3Okay , are you asking these questions ? What's happening ?
Speaker 2Do you still love me ? Oh my God . Okay , here we go . You have never seen me do stand-up .
Speaker 3You have never listened to the podcast because it's too uncomfortable , which I understand . First of all , correction you have asked me not to go watch . You do stand-up correct and you even had . We have a very dear friend in common who is the reason I'm surrounded by all this beautiful art in the room I'm in kevin christie , kevin christie , and he even sent me a by accident sent me footage of you doing stand-up and you asked immediately that I not watch it I felt shame correct .
Speaker 3My point is that you're encouraging me not divorced him after appearing because it was bad ?
Speaker 2yeah , because it's like completely changes the person . I think they were dating , but it was uh , it's someone , you know , I won't , I won't reveal him , but basically he was early in his career , he had just started dating this girl and he really wanted to be a stand-up and he brought her to a show and he could see from okay .
Speaker 3Is he married to her now ? Yeah , yeah , okay , what does she do ? Is she in the in the biz ? In the biz ? No , the show biz , exactly no .
Speaker 2So I think that's a different thing , yeah right , you're used to me making a complete fool of myself and doing shameful things , so it's it's what you're saying , is it shouldn't be that big a deal also .
Speaker 3Just stand up is a very a holy grail of like balls right , you so it's held to a different standard in this home yes , yeah , you did .
Speaker 2When I first said I was doing it , you , you did respect it . You started to respect me as a human for the first time . So tell me , not knowing what I'm already like , do you have any ideas of what my persona should be and what are the areas in which I could poke fun at myself up there ?
Speaker 3I think , and you know this is a tough . This is tough because it's layered , sure is . I think one of the things that's so amusing about you , that made you stand out to me , was your obsession with being likable , completely juxtaposed with this like cruelty , like in a funny way , you know , like you have this 80s villain side to you . That's quite funny in my opinion , especially when you're in tennis whites .
Speaker 1You know , it's exactly .
Speaker 3Lena Dunham , the great Lena Dunham , was quoted .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 3Making this observation about you .
Speaker 1Oh , wow .
Speaker 3She said I have never , and this is you know . Wow , she said I have never and this is you know . Not the exact words , but it was . I've never seen someone say such douchey things and make them likable oh , thank you lana , I remember that .
Speaker 2Uh , I was on the show bent and I played kind of a arrogant he was a , he was a good guy , but I guess lana liked the show . I believe she said she wanted to marry me I said you can have him . You did actually , Didn't you tweet her ?
Speaker 3I'm also quite I'm not sure if it was bent . Maybe she was a fired up fan .
Speaker 2David , no , it was bent .
Speaker 3But yeah , I think that that's what's so funny about you is how like just double popped collar douchey
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Speaker 3guy , one of your best friends , what is your definition of a douchebag ?
Speaker 2Let's start there , because there's many different ones and you often have different definitions of words than me .
Speaker 3Well , that's like a very douchey thing to say right there . I would say a douchebag , your brand of douchebag .
Speaker 2What do you consider a douchebag ?
Speaker 3There's like a few things like a like , a weird like put on deep voice . You know , like you got to have like the physical things right , what's up , man ?
Speaker 1how you doing ?
Speaker 3yeah , you got to be like look a certain way , you know , be like hey I want you to read at my wedding yeah , like you know , to your best friend who should be your . Whatever the male version is , you're made of honor that chad meme kind of yeah , chad tuckett chad tuckett yeah yeah but I'm not chad tuckett am I ?
Speaker 2you're not but I think that part of you like is making fun of it , and then you're slowly becoming it yeah , well , I can certainly act like a chad tuckett sometimes , although the chad tucketts of my day were different than the chad tucketts now . It just seems like .
Speaker 3Chad Tucket is proliferating .
Speaker 2It's all of an evolution , yeah but it just seems like it's everywhere . You know bros Bros just being so bro-y on video .
Speaker 3Yeah , it's like , this is what it is .
Speaker 2Bros in the past used to not ever want to videotape themselves being bros , and now everyone's just bro broing out , almost like trying to be famous .
Speaker 3You're just sounding like an old bro who doesn't understand . You know that things are changing but you , just you . You're like a person who my teeny , tiny , lacoste wearing venezuelan cousins would watch in a movie and like try to imitate . Oh , you know thank you well , yeah , and , and you know , because there's obviously a language barrier there , so they don't realize that .
Speaker 2Jokes on them but yeah , yeah , you understand like that definitely kind of understand you really don't . No , no , I mean , I get it in a way , I do . I understand now . You said there's three parts to douchebag . That's one right .
Speaker 3so that's you know the , the voice , the , the way you carry yourself , just for the record , I want to say this is really enjoyable .
Speaker 2Right now I'm very much enjoying this and from your facial expression it seems like your experience is a complete opposite .
Speaker 3Well , one .
Speaker 2I'm like in a corner in the room and I feel it's also just , you know , in a room by yourself , I'm in your office and you're at your office desk , so I'm not for anyone listening . I'm not placed in your corner , no , but the exit is behind you . Yeah , I am blocking your exit as .
Speaker 3I'm describing why you're a douche . You know it's dangerous , but yeah , so there's that . That's the physical , that's how you sound . And then the thing of like . You know , this is the thing about Like , right , when you're like what a douche , he knows when to like , sweeten up and get like a cute twinkle in his eye , and you know .
Speaker 2Sincere . Yes , he can switch between douchery and sincerity and earnestness .
Speaker 3Yeah . So you're like , oh , is he just the whole ? Oh , he's actually a really great guy .
Speaker 2I see , you know yeah .
Speaker 3And that you do very well . It's very funny .
Speaker 2It can . Well , it's very funny , I can fluctuate . Okay , that's interesting . So , and is there a ?
Speaker 2third element , or just sort of the body and then the , and then the ability to elements , to a douchebag you know , but yeah but I think it's overused at this point , to the point where I don't know what it means right , right you know , it's sort of like if you were to read a film script and be like you know , jimmy , you know chad tuggett douchebag there's's like the Saturday Night Live version of that and then in many ways , all dude , all sort of You're a .
Speaker 3Boston douchebag . You're a Boston prep school douchebag .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 3That's what , if I had to , you know three words in a script . I don't think you are David . You look like you're about to cry , but that's when you let yourself go there . Sure it , when you let yourself go there . It's very amusing .
Speaker 2Okay , great . So it's how I landed you .
Speaker 3I got you because of my douche . No , I liked you because you had sort of like a secret Dick Van Dyke thing going on .
Speaker 2Oh , yeah , what was the dog you think ?
Speaker 3I'm like , yeah , marmaduke .
Speaker 2Marmaduke , and then he's a clumsy , complete spastic idiot . No , marmaduke was lovely , didn't Marmaduke ?
Speaker 3Marmaduke , and then he's a clumsy , complete spastic idiot . No , marmaduke was lovely .
Speaker 2Didn't Marmaduke just completely trash houses him .
Speaker 3Well , it's just because he was so tall .
Speaker 2Oh , I think he was like a . I think he was a complete mess . I mean , right , I never really saw it , but he seemed to be causing a tremendous amount of problems for his owner .
Speaker 3Anyway , yeah , I just think he was in the wrong place .
Speaker 2That Marmaduke thing I always was insulted by .
Speaker 3But I let you keep saying it because I love you so much .
Speaker 2So anyway , no guy wants to be considered a Marmaduke . You know what I mean . But there was another one . It was Marmaduke . And then what else ? What was
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Speaker 2the other ? Oh , Dick Van Dyke . Dick Van Dyke .
Speaker 3Yes , because you just seem to me like you were gonna be someone who's like wakes up and it's just like I'm so lucky man , I'm , you know like , look at this face , look at this body that you know more or less .
Speaker 2I mean , come on , uh , and that thing of just like a dick van dyke right , I didn't watch dick , but he was just a happy guy at a great age he always found .
Speaker 3You know the comedy and things . He was a comedy writer
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Speaker 3. I think you you have it in you to be a celebratory guy , but you feel like you don't earn it and that's just not how it worked , you know oh , you mean I , I self-sabotage I think you feel like shame in being happy with things because it's like that's not how , that's not how the princeton boy , like you know whatever the fuck gets great at rowing and it's like who cares .
Speaker 2You mean ? You think I have to be in pain in order , I believe I have to be lashing myself and in psychic pain in order to succeed .
Speaker 3Yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , I'm getting better at articulating your thoughts with my words .
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Speaker 2No no , I think it's really important
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Speaker 2, all kidding aside , to be able to articulate what the other person is saying , because a lot of times , Just another way of no .
Speaker 2no , we have been in so many what I would say avoidable arguments , because I'm not doing that and I think you mean something , and now I'm getting upset by something that I think you mean and you didn't mean it . And if I just made sure I was receiving information correctly , most of the unpleasantness could be avoided . And that is why this podcast is morphing from a comedy podcast to a relationship therapy podcast . Mahandra say more .
Speaker 3I would like to say that say more is a wonderful segue into . We had a couples therapist who fired us .
Speaker 2You say that I'm telling you David . You're fired .
Speaker 3Not like that , because she's lovely and the best there is out there , but she was just like guys , it's the same thing . And she did say to you that you need to say less .
Speaker 2Yeah well , I'm happy to report that what our therapist said 11 years ago it's the same thing I'm happy to report is still the same thing , it's the same . And that's the name of the new podcast that we're launching , the Same Thing Called , and we'll be sharing our relationship problems to the world , and the digital universe will become our therapy for free , hopefully , with sponsors now . Um , that's a joke and working on my jokes , you haven't laughed . I've noticed . You haven't laughed once at anything .
Speaker 3I'm saying I there you go . You gotta laugh . I I did read that . That was like a thing before you marry someone , like you know how they're . Like you're gonna see this person ill , they're gonna smell whatever . You always read the same thing , but it did say this one which stood out was , like it said uh , the same recycled jokes , as you know . Another thing to pile on there of just like wanting to murder the person after a while yeah , and I thought that was very , very profound and very true .
Speaker 3you know , when you're just always hearing me say like the same , oh yeah .
Speaker 2Marriage . I mean , what is it 13 years now ? So it's like we , when we have a lot of older couple friends you know , and you can just see a wife just like watching their husband stick for the one thousand two hundred eighty seventh time and just being like completely dead in the eyes while everybody chuckles . It's so funny to me it's so funny and sad and tragic . Moving on Whoa I had a little chill .
Speaker 3You got a tick suddenly Back to me .
Speaker 1Back to me .
Speaker 2We haven't really gotten anywhere . What you're trying to say is my persona should be douchebag , but I should keep people on their toes and get kind of real and sensitive at times . It's just so tricky because I would say , your persona should be who you are , just usually most stand-ups . Or they are who they are , just exaggerated a bit .
Speaker 3Right , but like you don't , especially in this climate , you don't want to go out there and be a fucking monster .
Speaker 2That's what I mean . I mean like I could double pop my collar and I could roll out there and be like what's up , bitches ? And then just be like I'm a douchebag , see it's not even that guy .
Speaker 3See , you're making him more masculine , not that you're feminine , but meaning you're making him like a meathead . This is not a meathead .
Speaker 2Oh , it's a non-meathead douchebag . This is .
Speaker 3You know , I have an , an $80 cream I use at night .
Speaker 2A rich douchebag , exactly , okay . Okay , we're getting somewhere , we're getting more specific with him .
Speaker 3He's not rich , right , but he looks up to that .
Speaker 2He's rich enough .
Speaker 3He's rich enough , but he's going to exude a top 1% , he's going to get a two-door BMW the minute his show gets picked up Right , but he's going to exude top 1% . He's going to exude top one percent . People are going to say are you a walmart walton ? And he's not going to deny it , even though he's not . Yeah , you know I fear .
Speaker 2You got you that's interesting , okay . So you want me to be a rich douchebag ? Yeah , okay , on stage , and then . So now how ?
Speaker 3it's not even you know what I'm talking about . You don't have to . Well , you can . Yeah , I know what you're saying .
Speaker 2Look it's this is subtle thing we're talking about a deep character here , but what people are noticing , like Kevin Christie , who we're going to talk about , who's give you the artwork in your office , like he was . Like I did a comedy store open mic which I haven't shared with anybody . I think back on it and I shiver with shame because I wrote the whole five minutes in a car , like an hour before , and I was just like yeah , like yeah , I'm gonna do this new thing on feces , because that's what Kevin said to do and I did this bit about fecal filiacs and another word for fecal filiacs is being German and I just started ripping on Germans . I thought that was a pretty good joke and we did get a good laugh right , but um , but it's like , not authentic to like no , and it was all absurd .
Speaker 2It was just this kind of like I . I kept thinking of weird things to talk about that no one ever talks about and everyone just is like looking .
Speaker 2It was all just about how yeah , it's just bombastic , yeah it's just saying things that you don't think anyone's ever heard and thinking that'll be enough . Anyway , my point is this Kevin afterwards was like dude , you need to write jokes . And I was like he was very nice about it . We had a nice dinner at Canner's , the famous deli in LA , anyway , and he said and you may want to cover up your arms .
Speaker 2Now , for those who don't know me or ever meet me , I have these weird outsized arms , like , where sometimes if I'm working out , my arms get like as big as my legs . I look like some weird chimpanzee and I remember one of my nephews watching me play tennis . He's like Uncle Dave looks like a chimpanzee and I was hunched over , you know like . And so I , he's like , cover those arms up because it makes . And it's like this weird mysterious thing where I think people want they don't . They're not on your side when you get on stage , maybe at these like family , these open mics , they're a little bit more , but like people are judging you immediately how you look and they're gone . Who is this guy ? I think he is . This guy thinks he's funny , and sovin's point was like just don't like .
Speaker 2Don't like , show off your bod in any way but then you see , you know , eddie murphy rolls out in a skin-tight leather suit , just looking so sexual and but he's such , eddie murphy , but eddie , and eddie and I are so similar .
Speaker 3You know what I know , but like kevin christie is so kevin christie right right he's not this like malleable thing . I mean he is because he's a great actor of our time , but he really does have like a persona just on his own . And this is what I find so interesting about you is that I feel like there's the persona that you were brought up to feel you have to do , which is always like I , I'm gonna disarm you and just prove that I'm just , we're just the loveliest , like oh , like cocktail charm party yeah , just like we're , you know , barefoot and chill and uh , you know .
Speaker 3But it's like then you're the same guy that like walks down the street on large font . It's like , uh , homeless people , you know you love telling that story because it was listen . I'm a person who is obsessed with homeless people and that got me what do you mean ?
Speaker 2it got you . What does that mean ?
Speaker 3because it was . So . It's like here's this guy who's really nice and is concerned with you know , seeming nice and is nice , you know like , spends his time being like a good marmaduke to everyone , but like he just has , he feels put out by homeless people , certain situations .
Speaker 2I think everyone can relate to certain moods where you're like no , you go the seventh homeless person asking you for something you're like .
Speaker 3Okay , like you said you go , what am I supposed to do ? Like do I stop ? Every time it was like a neurotic musing , but it's like the opening line was oh , homeless , you know it just .
Speaker 2Yeah , it got you laughed .
Speaker 3It made me laugh so hard .
Speaker 2The cruelty . I think you've always laughed at sort of accidental cruelty .
Speaker 3Yeah , because it's almost like a childlike cruelty . Yeah , like when a kid is like that guy's fat . Yeah , and you're like Jesus yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , and you're like Jesus , yeah , yeah , but in a certain circumstance you're like it's so pure of spirit , exactly , and you did always think I was a very earnest person who had a good heart , you know .
Speaker 3Yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , which has changed dramatically .
Speaker 3Well , that's what's funny to me about you ?
Speaker 2is that you've ?
Speaker 3done such a great job of like imitating the douchey like guy who , like on a dime , goes to golf in the bahamas with bunch of guys from yale that you've like become .
Speaker 3I don't have the old friend go ahead sorry , harvard , there you go , um that you've kind of become that guy . You know what I mean . So it's very funny to me like you have had full , like baby fits in front of me , that I don't pay enough attention to you and that I'm mean to you and you're like in full tennis whites , you know yeah , I mean , but you're just so judgy of tennis , you know .
Speaker 2I love tennis but you , you , you , yeah , you're very anti anyway . Well , this isn't about you . We can talk about you and on your stand-up podcast , this is about me . We need to stay focused . Um , so what have I learned ? Let's sum it up We've learned it all . Now I would say that I'm more confused now . I don't know where we stand .
Speaker 3I don't know if I thought this was about your stand-up comedy .
Speaker 2No , it is , I'm just teasing , I'm just making dumb jokes . Okay , now I think Let me tell you what I'm struggling with is that you need something very quick . You know 30 seconds , hey , how's it going ? Everybody , and in this first 30 seconds you have to define who you are and obviously you have the visual thing helping . So , if you have , but a lot of people are just wearing non-distripped clothes , right . So you need you need to make them laugh right away , and and that that can easily happen .
Speaker 2When you just make some clever comment about some reality in the room , it could be the comic right before you said something you had an idea to play off of , that . You mention him and you get a big laugh , but you want to have something in your quiver that is loaded , that's ready . That isn't so environment related . That is generally self-deprecating and it just gives the audience this feeling of okay , that was a good joke , that's funny .
Speaker 2This guy doesn't take himself seriously . He's laughing at himself . It's okay to laugh at him and it really lubes everyone up to have a good time and it does show that you're a professional and it and it , and if you look now at almost all started stand-up . They do everyone , they all do it . They all do it immediately . You know they just , they just say something that somehow deprecates themselves and sums up their style , and so that's what we're searching for , that's what I'm asking for help on . It's not necessarily a vibe and a persona yet , because that is not something you really choose . In a weird way , the audience this is the advice I've been given by many people the audience kind of chooses that for you and a lot of times that's a surprise .
Speaker 2Yeah , what they respond to yeah , and what you start to lean into because you're like , oh , they really like it when I'm like this guy or that , or more crass or less , or nerdy or whatever you know , you start to form and you don't want to pick some persona before it organically kind of developed .
Speaker 3Right , but you're in the process right now of having you know you're trying on a few different things .
Speaker 2Yeah , I mean , I would say every time I get up there and I haven't been publicizing them . I haven't been publishing these open mics because I'm a little . There's a part of me that just wants to like , kind of show you guys a longer . I sort of have all this chapter of prior in the spring , a long break , and now we're back with more knowledge and we're doing them and I want to get them a little tighter before I share them . But anyway , this is all to say that I'm really searching for this self-deprecation that can kind of set the tone , and what I'm doing now is there is quite a lot of dirty not dirtiness like blue , but it's an honesty .
Speaker 2It's just shit , yeah , just shit and piss . No , there's an old , yeah . If it comes . If it comes out of a hole , don't talk about it . If it goes into a hole , you can talk about it . I think that's the rule .
Speaker 3But any hole can take it right . Well , that's a great point .
Speaker 2But you know what I ? Mean the right spirit , Like piss and shit is not going to be funny , but sex is very .
Speaker 3Oh , I see what you . Or anal sex , very clean sex , got it . Or mouth sex .
Speaker 2So , so anyway . So that's what I'm searching for and I'm so physically , what do you think I could ? I have a lot of ear growth , hair growth , you know that kind of stuff . Oh , make fun of yourself physically , that's so stupid .
Speaker 3David , but it's not , everybody does it , it's like Brooke Shields getting up there , you know , or whatever . Like me , like my nose hair , like look , you're at a deficit because of the way you look , okay , okay , and keep going . For you to , for you to get up there and be self-deprecating and wear a fucking flannel and be like I have ear hair and like I have to hide my beautiful arms , like it's so stupid of course people are gonna hate you .
Speaker 3I would fucking throw something at you if I was another dude . Okay , well , that's as a girl .
Speaker 2They're gonna fucking throw something at you if I was another dude , okay , well , that's as a girl , they're gonna throw their underwear at you , so congratulations .
Speaker 3But you don't have to do stand-up for that um so I would try just once and this is what's tough , because this is what I find funny about you and I don't know that this is universally- funny , tell me is like you get up there . Like what's his face ? Just like a touch of american psycho like bateman patrick bateman it's the greed is good era .
Speaker 3It's like that some I can't explain . When you just tap into that a little , when you , when you know that that's in the sauce that made this douchebag , it's just so funny to me . I mean , maybe that's what it is is like look , you are personally annoyed with how much you have to be careful . You know you may , he loves to joke .
Speaker 3Millions of people are no , no , no , I know , but like you look right , but that doesn't annoy exactly , so that that's there . You go there , there are your people . But like you can , like I will say something about my own people and get like a weird look where I'm like of course , because people are so nervous they don't want to laugh and I'm like , no , no , I'm allowed to say that , whatever right right , right who are your people , again the hispanic latins yes , so like even when you like to do this interview with an accent for the rest of the way , can I ?
Speaker 2but can you get a little bit ?
Speaker 3no , no , do a little bit I'm doing an accent of your people no , I know , but can I really talk like this ? At least this is how I normally talk , no , but like you'll say , my immigrant wife to people that used to get a laugh and now it doesn't as much people you are an immigrant , I know yeah , but my point you understand , so maybe that's what your thing could be . It's just like a guy up there wearing pete's fashion , you know pete's fashion is a is made to measure tay .
Speaker 2that would come into LA and we would all go get sport coats for less than you could buy . And , like I don't know , brooks Brothers was a screaming deal because the tailors in Hong Kong obviously are , you know do not have good working conditions .
Speaker 3David , that right , there is your log line . I mean , from comparing prices to Brooks Brothers , to sports , that you were in your 20s ?
Speaker 2Yeah , well , I was a bachelor in Los Angeles , and you know , look , everyone knows that dressing properly and well , like an adult and not a college student , is going to help get you laid and so and it's going to make you feel good .
Speaker 3Just so not true in LA .
Speaker 2No it did , though Everyone was getting so much action because you didn't know the other alternative .
Speaker 3You never even tried to wear just a normal t-shirt .
Speaker 2We were what would you call ? We were what you'd call like an east coast expats boarding school kids los angeles .
Speaker 2For those who've never lived there , uh is is a weird , weird place that attracts just this wide swath of some of the lowest level people you've ever met desperate and sad and and and valueless , but also incredible people , extremely creative , smart , fun and in the early days you're wandering around and you're just like everyone feels creepy . I got nothing in common with any of these people . And and then you find you know some people who maybe grew up on the East Coast and , you know , went to boarding schools and so we started hanging out . And then you're like , oh , I feel like I now have a crew .
Speaker 3Exactly , and the irony is , for most women , a crew of expat boarding school guys that are buying sports coats from the Beverly Hilton Incredibly attractive . Couldn't be more dangerous of expat boarding school guys that are buying sports coats from the beverly hilton incredibly attractive couldn't be more dangerous and feel more creepy that's now . But no , no , oh , david , oh my god back then no , but anyway , the point is , your group is incredibly attractive but also really sweet .
Speaker 3That's , that is the david walton pond right , there's a douchiness , there's a uh-oh , there's a , for sure , one of these guys put something in my drink and it's like no one put anything in your drink . No , they're all sweet , they're all vulnerable . They're all journaling . And they're all going to cry . One's going to cry by the end of the night , telling everybody else how much they love .
Speaker 2Yes , yes , a lot of love , a lot of love , some ecstasy , but mostly non-ecstasy .
Speaker 3Yeah , there was so much emotion .
Speaker 2Yeah , a lot of just being in touch with . But I have noticed that , not to digress , that men are increasingly comfortable expressing their love for one another . The bro love is very deep out there and that's a new thing , that's a beautiful thing that I encourage and and like to see just men hugging , telling them each other that they love them . We were kissing each other on the cheek back in in early 2000 and that's now much more ubiquitous , but I felt like we were early adopters of that and um , even though the italians have been doing it well .
Speaker 3Yeah , I was just gonna say my , my people , the men , kiss each other and they cry more , yeah , yeah . So look , I'm gonna take credit for everything .
Speaker 2We're first , first movers on an enormous amount of things . We've set a lot of trends in motion um , just in a short couple years . So is that more of the vibe that you think I should be going for on stage ?
Speaker 3it's kind of a delusional , arrogant douchebag , or or maybe it's just like an aging out douche , like meaning you are frustrating
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Speaker 3but do you know what I'm saying ? Like it's , it's more that thing of railing against what . Like what you're allowed to say , what you're not allowed to say , what you're allowed to do I think there's a lot of people that you could speak for yeah no and I know a lot of people do that , but it is coming from um , that boarding school sect is very special
Speaker 2yeah , we have digressed , but this is helpful to me because I think ultimately I have to speak about that . Like you know , people , ultimately if I'm going to put together , let's say , an hour of material , you're going to talk about your life and I gotta mind the comedy of sort of this boarding school sect and what prep school is . There's a lot that can be shared that is funny with the world , I think oh yeah , I mean you .
Speaker 3You can just start your set explaining to people what fucking boarding school is yeah , but they won't laugh , I think no , no no , but meaning it's just like setting it up yeah and then you know in you go , I have no idea who . Who the fuck am I to say ? But my point is so I I want to I want to in an ode to val .
Speaker 2This is a shout-out to Val , who's the manager of the comedy cellar in New York . She got attacked violently at the 42nd Street Times Square station and recently there's a GoFundMe for her , so I will put the link to her GoFundMe in this podcast . Not that anyone knows Val , but I would love it if people donate any any amount for her health care bills that are going to be extensive , but anyway , val had said something to me when , as a advice and she knows you know she's good friends with Amy Schumer , she knows everybody and she was like just write down your life facts and write them down , the most boring ones , just write them all down , and so I did , and I'm just going to list them for you , okay , oh boy Okay .
Speaker 2One of seven kids grew up in Boston , but not the famous Boston for movies , the suburb suburb boring Boston . All my sisters are all American athletes not all but two of the four , and the other ones were very good , um , you know , all-star high school athletes . My parents are not good athletes . I grew up in a huge house . It felt normal . Kids just don't understand . Um , I hit puberty summer after ninth grade . I was really skinny as a kid . I wish I was . I always wished I was stronger and bigger . Uh , girls terrified me . It was an all boys school , so girls always terrified me until I started going to school with them . Um , but I wanted them so bad . I liked the girls that were advanced , you know , like I liked girls that can you say this sluts . Can you say that word ?
Speaker 3Or just like fast , I guess . Yeah , I like fast . I thought you meant like intellectually advanced .
Speaker 2No , no , I meant fast . I was always like why are these my friends making fun of this girl for putting out like that's so exciting ? Then you don't have to deal with all this like neuroses about sex . You know what I mean . Yeah , it didn't make sense to me . Yeah , no , no . No comment from her .
Speaker 3No , I just don't understand neuroses about sex when you're young enough to not have neuroses ? You were huge .
Speaker 2Early early I went to Jeez early , early , early I went to . Um , I went to brown , which is an ivy league school , but I was ashamed because it wasn't harvard , yale or princeton , it was what me and my friends would call it the ghetto ivy , because our , our uh , endowment was so small compared to all the other ivy league schools . Um , my sisters were all goody two-shoes and I felt enormous pressure to be good as well , like not break rules , not do drugs , not do all that stuff . Um , so I felt like I was really letting them down . When I first started smoking crack . That was actually a joke that I wrote in . That's not true . I haven't smoked crack . I would probably do it in the right circumstance . It's been a misunderstood , misunderstood drug . Um , my dad was born in 1940 . My mom was born in 1940 . My mom was born in 1944 .
Speaker 3These are just facts . Are you bored ? No , the crack thing . I just don't think there's any circumstances where that's not going to be a bummer .
Speaker 2We'll talk about that off the line . You're going to want more right away .
Speaker 3That's the beauty of crack .
Speaker 2I'll pitch a book that is called Drug Use for Grownups and it's by Dr Hart and it's an excellent book .
Speaker 3Does he talk about crack 100% ? Oh , okay , well , I've got to read that chapter .
Speaker 2He's the head of neuropharmacology at Columbia , a top , top professor who is open about his heroin use and he does it without any ill effect on his life . Anyway , really interesting book and will make you rethink drugs . Okay , so my parents were married . I think she was 27 . It was my mom's second marriage and she already had two kids and she was only 26 . I never got spanked , but I found out this weekend that my sister and brother did from my dad .
Speaker 3Spanked . Yeah , like put over the knee and spanked my oldest sister .
Speaker 2Yeah , and my brother .
Speaker 3How demeaning .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I never did so . Clearly something changed . My dad had a huge temper , like a scary temper , um , but he's a . He's a lovable teddy bear .
Speaker 2Uh , I worked as a mani for a six-year-old boy in Hyannisport , right next to the Kennedy compound . I first job was delivering newspapers . I've worked at a camp counselor , done construction for a summer , waited tables , taught us ATs . I sold knives for Cutco . I've done some extra work on a Peter Gallagher movie , played baseball and hockey for my town . I played tennis , golf and sailed and skied . High school I played soccer , hockey and I rode College . I rode for one year . I was in a sketch comedy troupe in college with the famous John Krasinski and many others called Out of Bounds . I was in an improv group called spit in high school , st paul's improv theater , and I moved to new york city after college to make it as an actor .
Speaker 2It's interesting , as I say , those facts . You get this little tickle that there's something there to make you know , there's , there's things there , you know , and I think val this is an ode to val , uh , who , uh , we're thinking about is . Is that's ? That's what she's going for ? Is that ? Sometimes simple facts are interesting to people . They just want to know some little thing about you . And then , what is your riff on those things , do you agree ?
Speaker 3I do Well , at least things that people find interesting , that they don't know necessarily much about .
Speaker 2Yeah , like any of those things , does any of them pop out as an area of exploration ?
Speaker 3Well , I only know none of those things . Would I any of them pop out as an area of exploration ? Well , I only know none of those things . Would I personally be like , wait , tell me more ? No , no , because they're not that that you know foreign to me . But I have marveled at how people respond to hearing that you went to boarding school yeah they think it's a punishment which is wild right you know that's an interesting thing .
Speaker 3I mean it's crazy the way people respond to that . You know that's an interesting thing . I mean it's crazy . The way people respond to that and the way people respond to your height is like shocking . You know , it's just not something that I would consider until now , I know .
Speaker 2Yeah , I think there's a lot of mining . A fun story would be when that doctor felt my balls and told me I had many more years of really , really aggressive growth ?
Speaker 3yeah , I won't , yeah , not there , just in height not there , unfortunately , just in height the balls were already huge . The balls .
Speaker 2No , the balls were so small . He was basically like you , I , I went . The story goes like this and I'll say it anyway . I went from five foot four to six'0 in one year and so that's 8 inches .
Speaker 2And he felt my 8-inch dick and he said you've got a lot more years of growth now . That's not true . He pulled my pants down and he looked at my balls and he said you've grown 8 inches . And he didn't say based on your balls , but I knew that's what he was thinking You've got a few more years of this kind of growth . And he goes . I'm looking at a minimum of six foot seven , most likely six foot ten and potentially seven feet , and I started crying . I was a hockey player . I sucked at basketball . I immediately envisioned myself as a freak with like narrow shoulders who looked like Manute Ball and would never get laid and it it really , really made me upset , and so I got in the car .
Speaker 2I was crying all the way home . I'm a 12 year old boy . I'm a 13 year old boy . I can't remember , and my mom is like comforting me and she's like you know you , just all you got to do is start smoking a ton of pot and you'll be fine . It's not your growth . I just added that joke . You don't see that ? Okay , perfect example . If I was writing , I'd be like , yeah , I'll do a little bit about my mom telling me to smoke pot .
Speaker 3Honestly , that's like something my mother would have said , so I was like trying to suss out .
Speaker 2No , no , but so I say that joke and I look at you and it's for those listening at home , it's just stone faced and I'm like , is this one of those things where I've said this joke before because I didn't think it was bad , I thought it was worthy of like a at least a tickle of a smile , or something I got excited for .
Speaker 3A second thought that your mom yeah see , that's your issue yeah , you're too close to it .
Speaker 2I know you guys at home are laughing your ass off , uh , anyway .
Speaker 2So the point I'm trying to make is that's a story that you can milk and it's and it's , and it's something that is self-deprecating and I could get into , as , as a look , I've always been insecure about my height . I know it's crazy to say everyone wants to be tall , but being tall sucks , and I could talk about the various ways it sucks . You know . You know your dick looks smaller just relative to your body . Your , your knees hit the airplane seat uh you can't go . You're spoon with anyone you can't spoon , you can't 69 , you can't well , you can 69 .
Speaker 3It just can get awkward no , you have to literally do a 69 in like a crunch .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , I'm constantly contracting and then because I , I mean , I you know six , love six , and so make it work , but uh , yeah , you'd have to be on .
Speaker 3It's really complicated .
Speaker 2Yeah , no , I mean , I haven't done it in 14 years , but it's , I love it , you know , and uh , oh , I was just looking at your face , looking just imagining you and krasinski in costa rica just 69ing .
Speaker 2I did go on a vacation with just me , and that's for another time , but anyway , um . So my point I'm trying to make is there's a run of jokes . You know we're we're riffing here , but there's , I think , what I'm going to come away because it's it's time , it's over , uh , and will you come back on the show ? Has this been a pleasant experience ?
Speaker 3sure you can have a do less t-shirt . It's a real undertaking what you're doing , david , yeah it is .
Speaker 2It really is . No , it's a long journey , but it's very impressive and really challenging yep and um .
Speaker 3I'm so anxious right now for you .
Speaker 1Oh , thank you , Thank you .
Speaker 3No , it's just listen it's no joke .
Speaker 2No , but the stakes . I mean , look if I , if I spend five years doing this .
Speaker 3Yes , the stakes aren't real to anybody else , but it's just like it's . So it's just such a tough sort of thing to at first like understand and land on you .
Speaker 2Yeah yeah , it's already in failure . It's I think it's . It's very fascinating . It's really hard . It sucks that you have to go and wait at open mics for an hour and a half and drive and go do them like I wish . I think I'm going to sign up for like a comedy camp and I know I was warned not to do these , but but there's one in LA , oh . God , no , no , not a camp , but like one where you can just get you know tons of reps and have people around .
Speaker 2But if you were recommended not to do it , then that means no , that's just two people , by the way and the truth is I need , I know what I need and I need to be around people and I need to be in it and immersed .
Speaker 3Right . To be forced to be writing all the time and performing all the time . This isn't like golf camp , no . I know this might just be like going to LA for an extended period of time and hanging out .
Speaker 2Just relax .
Speaker 3With comedians .
Speaker 2Anyway . So but yeah , this has been very helpful . I like that I read through the facts . There's some things that I realized that I can go try out and we can keep building on it . But you know , I think my height is definitely something that would seemingly not be self-deprecatable , because people want to be tall , but I'm like right on the edge of too tall I really am .
Speaker 3You are .
Speaker 2And sometimes I feel like a giraffe . I look at a picture . I'm like I look like Manute Bull and it's like when I'm and especially on . I did this show called Power Ghost and my boy , gianni , is shorter than me and like we had one scene and people were just like holy shit , it's like Gianni looks like this yoked MMA fighter .
Speaker 3And I look like I'm going to blow away in the wind . Yeah , you're like a fucking reed .
Speaker 2Yeah , it's just like . Yeah , it just sucks , you know . So I still have insecurities about my height and I got to figure out a way to you know , to . Just maybe that's a good way to start . And then the vibe , the persona . That's stuff that I'll wait on , but I'll certainly experiment with coming out with a bit more of an arrogant vibe . Let's just call it that for the sake of the douchebag .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2More arrogant , more like owning it and more like you know what this is my stage and like I'm going to go . But you know , I'll just test it because , why not ? That's what you got to do . Yeah , we'll see , we'll see , I , we'll see , we'll see . I hope you enjoyed this . I really do . Thank you , mahondra . As much as we struggle to have a conversation with our kids around , it's so annoying I think we may have found a way to actually have a fun , substantive conversation .
Speaker 3We just try to find your flaws .
Speaker 2I can do this all the time 've got so many much , so many more to cover , but if you enjoyed this , uh , and you can find what are you pitching ? Anything you want to plug , anything before we leave me . Yeah no , I thought you meant pitch , uh no you want to plug anything to the huge starting stand-up audience ?
Speaker 3um no , if anything , I'd like you to change my voice and say I'm a different person can you do that ?
Speaker 1no , I'm kidding I'm kidding .
Speaker 3I'm so proud to be on this okay , good , well , I appreciate it .
Speaker 2And uh , I've got a wakanichi t-shirt , a do less t-shirt , which is my uh mantra in life doing everyone's doing too much , so um yeah thank you .
Speaker 3Ripping storm's a ripping storm .
Speaker 2How about some Bennery ? What the fuck is that Inside joke All ?
Speaker 3right . Is that your sign off ?
Speaker 2Yeah , a little bit , all right , work on that . This is genius , all right .
Speaker 1Bye
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Speaker 1, bye now .
Speaker 2See you next week , thank you .