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Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton
This is an audio journal of actor, David Walton (Fired Up, New Girl, About a Boy, Bad Moms, Power:Ghost) as he builds a standup comedy set in public with the help of comedians and friends. New episodes every Thursday.
Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton
#30 I Perform the Anthony Jeselnik Special
Looking for inspiration David does a word perfect performance of Anthony Jeselnik's Bones and All 2024 Netflix standup special.
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Well, hello, welcome to Starting Stand-Up in Maine with David Walton. I am your host, david Walton, and I'm so happy you're here. So this week's episode. Look, I'm in a bit of a rut. I'm in a bit of a slump. We've had a lot going on in life and I haven't gotten up on stage in a few weeks. My writing has stalled and I'm just sort of feeling this kind of doubt creep in, let's call it. And I had an idea.
Speaker 1:I'm obsessed with Hunter S Thompson. I've done a lot of research on him and he did this thing when he was starting out as a writer, where he wrote out on a typewriter the Great Gatsby, so he could feel what it's like to write a great American novel, and it helped him understand what a good sentence is and it somehow got greatness into him. So he claimed so. In the spirit of that, one of my favorite comedians is Anthony Jeselnik. He is extremely dark. He has sort of one style of joke. Almost his entire career is made up of these extreme misleads, but they're very dark, gruesome and heavy. But he pulls it off and the crowd, young and old, men and women, moral and immoral all laugh their asses off. So he's a very, very special comedian. So I thought why not make Anthony's special my Great Gatsby and maybe it will help me re-engage.
Speaker 1:It's like that scene in Top Gun where Goose is dead and Maverick takes responsibility. Goose was Maverick's Rio and he was his responsibility. And now his responsibility is dead and Maverick has to keep training with a new rio, in this case sundown, and every time he is up there in the air and he has to engage and start dog fighting, he says it doesn't look good and sundown says it doesn't look any better than this Mav. And then Maverick freaks the fuck out and tells Sundown, I will fire when I am goddamn good and ready. And Maverick just is never going to be ready until the climax of the movie, as you know. But there's a faith, there's a trust that Mike Metcalf call signper has in Maverick, and so he tells Jester, keep sending them up. And so I have a voice in my head that's just like Mike Medcalf call sign Viper that says even though you're in a rut and even though you don't feel like writing and even though you don't even feel like recording, you just got to keep going. And I'm so happy that I have Viper in my head because I did muscle it out.
Speaker 1:And I actually ran through the following standup special of Anthony Jeselnik a couple of times. Once I kind of did in my imitation of him and then I listened to it and I was like this sucks. And then I just did it in my own style, my own way, and that felt much better and it felt like, oh, wait, a minute, maybe I can do this. And it gave me a little, gave me some zhuzh. Have I re-engaged? Uh, we'll see. But I certainly feel a lot closer and I'll thank Sundown for backing the fuck off.
Speaker 1:All right, without further ado, here is my word-for-word, word-perfect retelling of the Anthony Jeselnik stand-up special from 2024, available on Netflix, called Bones and All. Please enjoy. Oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. Yeah, thanks very much. Yeah, thank you, thank you, I'm going to do it my way. I'll do it my way. Thank you for all. Yeah, thank you all for coming to the show tonight. I do appreciate it.
Speaker 1:In case you guys don't know why, I'm on tour right now, as of a couple months ago, I've been doing stand-up comedy for 20 years. Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah, my agent said to me Anthony, 20 years is a major accomplishment for any comedian. You've got to celebrate. Pick some of your favorite cities, go perform for them. And I said no, thank you, I'd rather go to Milwaukee, but look, I am excited to be here tonight. I've got great news After 20 years of stand-up comedy, just last weekend I finally perfected my act. Don't get me wrong. I thought it was perfect before. I ran into an audience member after my show last Saturday who told me different. Last Saturday night I'm doing a show in New York. After my set I'm trying to get out to the car, a woman from the audience chases me down, practically tackles me. She says Anthony, that last joke you told tonight your closer. I got to tell you that joke is problematic, you need to think about it and you need to change it. So I changed it and now it's my opener. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to tell you that joke and explain what happened with that woman and then nail home the point that I'm the best Now as a comedian.
Speaker 1:I've got a responsibility, a responsibility that I take very seriously. The responsibility is to get up in front of a group of strangers and give you my opinion on the trans community. Yep, that's right. Look, guys, you got to do it. Now it's in the handbook. Now I feel like the trans community are the new pregnant women. Just in that.
Speaker 1:It's never polite to guess. You got to trust me on this. You never want to be like, hey, how far along are you? Are you going to keep it? No, no, don't do that, even if you're right. It's rude. Do what I do. I'm smooth with it. I don't ask the question. If I want to find something out, I just offer you a drink here, have this glass of bourbon, and if they take the drink, they're trans. Now, obviously, obviously, that's a closer and I could leave right now and I'd be fine.
Speaker 1:But this woman grabs me, starts arguing with me. She says, anthony, I got to ask you what is your intention with that trans joke. I said well, my intention is to make trans people laugh. I mean, could you imagine that would be historic. She says well, anthony, anthony, you're probably not even aware of this, but the problem with your joke is some trans people are insecure about the fact that they can't have kids of their own and your joke makes it sound like you're saying the opposite of a pregnant woman is a trans woman and that can be hurtful, and I agree that could be hurtful, but not coming from me. You see, I love trans people. I empathize with the trans community. I'm not trans myself, but I too am always getting yelled at for walking into the wrong bathroom. I love trans people.
Speaker 1:You know what I hate? Pregnant women. I mean, fuck those chubby bitches. Am I right? They shouldn't be allowed to play sports? Now, look, look, I will admit. I will admit that that was a learning moment for me. Before that woman grabbed me, I didn't know that trans people hated pregnant women as much as I do. It makes me respect them all the more so. Just in case anyone here is trans and you were offended by my first joke, here's a joke I tailor wrote just for you to enjoy. Last week I saw a pregnant woman get hit by a bus, or as I like to call it, a gender reveal party. What are you guys laughing at? That's not for you, that's for my trans friends Don't like pregnant women, don't like kids.
Speaker 1:One of my friends just asked me if I would be the sperm donor for her baby and I said I don't know. That's a pretty big decision. How old is your baby If you're walking in late. I hate kids. Yeah, I hate them so much, it's my whole thing. And what surprises me is, now that I'm getting older I've got friends, family members, having kids of their own, and I don't judge. I mean, throw your life away.
Speaker 1:What surprises me is these people will text me pictures of their kids. Anthony will want to see this Send. I never want to see that. The only time a kid shows up on my phone and I'm happy about it, amber Alert. Otherwise, do not get my hopes up. I used to ignore those texts from my friends. Pretend I didn't see them, never respond. Then my sister had a kid started getting mad at me. She'd be like really, anthony, no response. You got nothing to say about this picture of your beautiful niece fucking up finger painting. So I came up with a plan. Now, anytime anyone texts me a picture of their kids, I write back the exact same response. Thanks, going to save this one for later. Yep, now it works. You guys can use that. It works. I haven't heard from my sister in a year. It's the best.
Speaker 1:Like a lot of people, I spend most of the pandemic stuck inside staring at the walls, going crazy. I started buying weird shit online, decided I was going to redecorate my place and I don't know anything about interior design, but I know what I like. So I went on eBay and I paid $500 for a child's coffin. I thought this will be great. It's vintage. You put that in your living room. It's a conversation starter, you know. But like so many of the things we bought online during the pandemic, I regret it.
Speaker 1:Now. Thing finally showed up in the mail, empty. I know I know. Look, guys, guys, guys. I hate kids so goddamn much. I can't talk to kids these days. The other day my little nephew came up to me said Uncle Anthony, I'm getting bullied by another kid in school. I said don't put up with that, break his nose, he'll leave you alone. And he said Uncle Anthony, that's toxic masculinity. Well, I wasn't going to put up with that.
Speaker 1:Listen, you guys came out here to have a good time on a Saturday night. I know what you want. You want to talk politics. Let's go. Let me tell you what's wrong with this country. Let me tell you what the problem is with the United States of America. In this country, you got to be 16 years old to drive a car. Right, that makes sense, but you got to be 18 years old to be considered an adult to vote. I think that's fucked up. I think if you're old enough and mature enough to safely drive a car on the street, then I should be allowed to have sex with you, right? Anyway, that's the only problem with this country.
Speaker 1:Now, as of this weekend, I've been on tour with this material for 18 months and my favorite thing about touring around the country with these jokes the past 18 months has been telling that last joke in the South. Guys, I have learned so much about this great country of ours. Right at the beginning of this tour 18 months ago, I was doing a show in Alabama. Told them that joke. Guy in the audience stands up and says Anthony, I hate to break it to you, but the age of consent in Alabama is 16. So you got to change that. I said, oh yeah, you got to change that. And then, a couple of weeks later, I did a show in Mississippi and I told him that joke and then told him about Alabama. Guy in the audience stands up and says in Mississippi, the age of consent is 14. And I said, holy shit, that's perfect. I mean, that is what the founding fathers were all about.
Speaker 1:You know, I have a friend who works for the FBI. He pretends to be a 12-year-old girl, goes on the internet and chats with child molesters all day. I don't know what he does for the FBI, but it's got to be. You know, something big. I feel like the big new thing I keep hearing more and more about these days is porn addiction. I feel like every time I turn around someone is complaining about their porn addiction Not me, I can handle my shit.
Speaker 1:But a couple months ago I'm at a family reunion, big Jessel Nick family reunion. Everyone's there. The very first night we're all in this giant ballroom eating dinner together as a family. When my cousin stands up, he's 15 years old and he says I have an announcement to make. I just want to tell you all that I've been suffering from a porn addiction and it's terrible and I'm doing my best to get over it. Now no one in my family knows what to say. Generations of Jesselniks are just staring straight ahead trying to eat their dinner. So I stood up and I said hey, man, we can watch something else. Look, I can put the game on if you want. When's the next time we're all going to be together.
Speaker 1:You know I don't have a porn addiction. I watch a healthy amount of porn. I got my favorites. Hell, I was in a bar the other night, saw my favorite porn star of all time sitting at the end of the bar by herself. I at the end of the bar by herself. I couldn't believe it, called the bartender over hey man, I'll have another beer and see that girl down there. She shouldn't be here, she's 13.
Speaker 1:Now this is where audiences traditionally start to complain. They'll say Anthony, why do you have so many jokes about abusing children and why do you do all of them in the beginning? And this is where I kind of I have to stop the show for a minute and then I explain to the audience the concept of gallows humor. Gallows humor is what I'm all about Now. Gallows humor is when you see something in the world that is so horrible that you have to laugh at it, otherwise it would destroy you.
Speaker 1:A couple months ago I'm reading the newspaper and I come across an article about a priest in my hometown who just got arrested for molesting an altar boy at the exact same church where I was an altar boy growing up. It was horrifying to read. That could have been me if I had become a priest. Yeah, we like to have fun. I'm proud to say that I've never once in my entire life paid money to have sex with a prostitute, and I'll tell you this. They get so mad.
Speaker 1:You know, here's one thing I like about Milwaukee and there's one thing I like about Milwaukee it seems like a safe place to live. Yeah, maybe not to you, but compared to where I live in Los Angeles, oh my God, this is paradise. My neighborhood's really gone to shit in the past couple years. It's gotten dangerous. The other day a woman in my neighborhood was walking her dog, had the dog stolen from her at gunpoint. Now it's my dog. I actually do love it here in Milwaukee. I enjoy any time I get to come and perform.
Speaker 1:One of the all-time great stand-up comedy towns Milwaukee. Yep Cheers me up to be back in Milwaukee, I'll tell you that. And I've needed cheering up lately too. I've been a little down lately. I'll admit it. Lost a friend recently. It's stupid. A friend of mine went to the hospital for an elective surgery, just simple breast reduction surgery. Did not survive the surgery, died right there on the operating table.
Speaker 1:As far as I'm concerned, yeah, somehow that's become one of the most polarizing jokes I'm going to tell all night, and if you didn't laugh at it, that's okay. But what the fuck do you know? I've been doing this for 20 years and, I'll be honest, I had no idea it had been 20 years before my agent told me. I never thought of 20 years as a goal I should be trying to achieve. I've never defined success by longevity. I've always defined success by how long has it been since I had to have a roommate? No, it's true, I haven't had a roommate in 15 years. I'm 45. That's not a flex. The last roommate I ever had, last roommate I ever had, he had a video of every single person he'd ever had sex with in our apartment. Oh, it's a betrayal of trust, but it was hilarious. He had no idea.
Speaker 1:Another way I define success as an artist how long has it been since I had to have a day job? Again, 15 years. I hated the day jobs I had to have coming up. Imagine what I was like at a day job 15 years ago. Yeah, I had this one day job. Someone kept stealing my lunch. Someone stole my lunch every single day, even though I clearly had my name written on it and I was pretty sure I knew who did it. I just couldn't prove it. So one day before work I crushed up an entire bottle of laxatives enough laxatives to cripple a man and I put them in my food. And then I waited until this guy got up to go to the bathroom and as soon as he did I shit all over his desk. I got fired from most of my day jobs all of them, really all of them except the last one. Last day job I ever had. I worked in a giant, soulless corporate office building and I quit in the middle of the day after I watched a 60-year-old woman accidentally step into an empty elevator shaft and plummet 30 stories to her death. I just walked right the fuck out and that was my last day in elevator repair.
Speaker 1:If there's one thing I'm getting sick of after 20 years of stand-up comedy, it's the travel. I always say I do the shows for free, you pay me to travel, and that is certainly true tonight, two nights ago. I fly from New York City to Milwaukee Two and a half hour flight, it's direct, should be easy. Get on the plane. The woman sitting next to me has a hundred pound dog curled up in her lap and I say, excuse me, what the fuck is this? This woman, I swear to God. She rolls her eyes at me and she goes. This is my emotional support animal. I have a note from my doctor and I was like a note from your doctor. Do you really need an emotional support animal on this flight? And she goes no, and I thought my head was going to explode. I don't like when people take advantage of the system like that. It's a two and a half hour flight, so I talked to her about it and I'm happy to report, by the time we landed she needed that fucking dog.
Speaker 1:Now, air travel has gotten so uncomfortable in the past few years. But everyone I know who flies a lot like I do they always have a little trick. Everyone's got their own unique trick to make flying easier for them, like I'm friends with a very wealthy married couple. They're millionaires and they've got six kids in between the two of them. They're always flying off on some exotic family vacation and whenever they fly, their trick is the family flies on two separate airplanes. That way, worst case scenario, one of those plane crashes they don't have to deal with their kids anymore.
Speaker 1:But look if I'm being honest with you guys. If I'm being honest, I don't actually have any married friends. I used to. I used to have a lot of married friends, but all my married friends have gotten divorced in the past two years All of them. But I've noticed something All my friends' divorces, they all had two things in common Infidelity and me.
Speaker 1:Hey, listen, all right, listen, you guys have been great so far. I hate to do this to you, but this next joke is going to be too smart for the crowd. So, don't worry, I will explain it to you. And after all, aren't those the best jokes? Sigmund Freud's mom must have been so fucking hot. Okay, you get that Now. A lot of you were faking it for the cameras. Let me explain Dr Sigmund Freud, the most famous psychoanalyst of all time. His main theory, his main claim to fame, was the theory that every young man wanted to murder his own father and have sex with his own mother. Now imagine, imagine how hot his mom must have been for his colleagues to go. Yeah, yes, freud published that.
Speaker 1:I was 14 years old when I walked in on my parents having sex. That's a big moment for any young man, that moment when you realize your parents are more than just mom and dad. They're also swingers. Oh, it was a core memory for sure. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget the night of my senior prom Night of my senior prom. I'm 18 years old.
Speaker 1:I'm at home putting on my tuxedo when my dad walked in the room and he handed me a condom, snuck it to me in a handshake so fucking gross. And then he looks me right in the eyes and he says anthony, do you have any questions? And I said, yeah, dad, do you have one? That's still in the wrapper. And my dad was freaking weird, fucking weird. Okay, like all your dads are weird. When you're a kid you can't recognize how weird your parents are. It's not until you get older that you figure it out. Like when I was a little kid, every year on my birthday, my dad would take me into the kitchen, put me up against the kitchen wall and make a little mark to measure my girth, and maybe that messed me up a little, I don't know. I feel like I'm a pretty normal guy, although I do get angry when people try to talk to me about sex. I was having lunch with a friend the other day and he says Anthony, I've been having trouble with premature ejaculation and I said, oh yeah, why don't you try talking about baseball? And he said, anthony, don't you mean thinking about baseball? And I said I don't give a fuck what you think about, just don't talk to me about your premature ejaculation.
Speaker 1:When I was growing up, I had a sibling rivalry with my little brother. It got out of hand, to be quite honest. One day my little brother went into the backyard, took my dog's collar off and let it run away from home, so I poisoned his fish. I think I won that one, because the next day I went out and I found my dog. I put his collar back on, brought him back home, but my brother, he died from the salmon. Yeah, it's a banger.
Speaker 1:Last year my parents lost all their money in a Ponzi scheme. So of course they came to me their wealthy, successful son and asked me why I did that. Yeah, my family didn't have a lot of money. When I was growing up, my dad was a volunteer firefighter. Do you know what a volunteer firefighter is? It's exactly like a regular firefighter, except your son does not respect you.
Speaker 1:My mom's been having a hard time. She's getting paranoid in her old age, can't sleep at night because she gets too scared. So every night around bedtime she calls me to complain on the phone for hours that she's too afraid to fall asleep in her own home. So finally, after months of this, just to get her off my back, I bought her a gun. And now she's scared about that. She says, anthony, what's the matter with you? Don't you know that people who live with a gun are more than twice as likely to be shot in their own home? And I said, mom, I am counting on it and look, maybe maybe I'm being too harsh. I have trouble sleeping sometimes too, like the other night. The other night I'm lying in bed, I cannot fall asleep Just staring out my bedroom window for hours. And I swear I saw my next door neighbor murder his wife in their kitchen, then dispose of the body in garbage bags. And now I'm worried. I'm next Like I don't think he saw me, but he sure as shit heard me clapping.
Speaker 1:Now here's a joke I like a lot. My cousin Randy is. He's maybe the dumbest person I've ever met in my life, my entire life. Like dumbest guy I've ever met. The other day he comes up and he goes Anthony, check out my new tattoo. It's the Japanese symbol for awesome. No, randy, that is a swastika. I mean, fuck man, everybody knows, everybody knows that's the German symbol for awesome. Now I said I like that joke a lot. Here's how much I like that joke. I used to open with it.
Speaker 1:Right at the beginning of this tour 18 months ago, kanye West came to one of my shows. Now I had no idea he was even there. I didn't even find out until the next day when Kanye went on a podcast and he said I went to go see Anthony Jeselnik last night and his opening joke is so high level that it made me realize I'm not funny. And, guys, that just blew my mind. That's the best compliment I've ever gotten in my life. I humbled Kanye West, you know, yeah, and I'm not going to lie, I was so excited.
Speaker 1:I watched that clip a hundred times. I sent it to my manager. I said put this on my website, put this on social media, let's sell some fucking tickets with a little help from Kanye. And my manager says to me Anthony, are you out of your goddamn mind? Don't you know what's been going on with Kanye lately? And I said no, honest to that. I used to be a huge Kanye fan, but I stopped paying attention to him when he went Christian. My manager says well, in the past two weeks alone, kanye's been wearing White Lives Matter t-shirts and saying wild anti-Semitic shit. And I was like, oh he went, super Christian, crazy son of a bitch. Finally finished the whole book, my manager said look, anthony, you can use this clip of Kanye to promote yourself if you want to, but if you do, you got to drop the swastika joke. You got to stop doing it for sure. Otherwise you're going to start to attract the wrong kinds of fans and your current fans will take the wrong lesson from what you're doing. And that's how much I like that joke.
Speaker 1:I'm against cancel culture, thank you. Thank you very much. That's my impression of a shit comic trying to get on Rogan. In 20 years of stand-up comedy, I've been asked the same questions over and over and over and over again. The question I get asked the most by far is Anthony, what do you think about cancel culture? Does it make you mad? Aren't you scared? What do you think about cancel culture? So let me be clear I don't give a fuck about cancel culture. What I am sick of are comedians complaining about cancel culture. It's not that hard. Do your job. Comedians are supposed to be unparalleled badasses. I know this because I have a fucking mirror. Yeah, cancel culture is not scary. It's also not interesting and it's definitely not new.
Speaker 1:Back when I was in college, I had this crazy professor Made all of his students fill out their own suicide note and then he would read them out loud to the rest of the class and as soon as the parents found out he got fired immediately. And I was the only one who stood up for him because, hey, you know he made math fun. And yes, I did mention Joe Rogan. Guys, do not get me wrong. I like Joe Joe's my friend. He's a good guy, but if you listen to his podcast you're a fucking loser. My brother-in-law is Joe Rogan's biggest fan, never misses an episode. Doesn't think four hours is long enough, but my brother-in-law is Joe Rogan's target demographic. My brother-in-law is a conspiracy theorist. A crazy conspiracy theorist, like my brother-in-law, refuses to become an organ donor because he swears that if you get into an accident and the paramedics see that you're an organ donor, they won't try to save your life because they want to use your organs to help someone else. It's insane, but I can't even argue with him. He's a paramedic.
Speaker 1:Another question I've been asked a million times in the last 20 years Anthony, what's your favorite joke you've ever written? And it's easy the first one 20 years ago. When I started this, I started from nothing. I was nothing. I was just going around to open mics in Los Angeles performing for bitter open mic comedians who never reacted to anything. I was just trying to find my voice. Could I be good at this? Could I make it a living? And it took a while, until one night I went to a coffee shop.
Speaker 1:I tried this joke out for the first time and it changed my whole life. I said guys, my girlfriend loves to eat chocolate, she's always eating chocolate and she likes to joke that she's got a chocolate addiction. Hmm, keep me away from chocolate bars. I'm addicted to them and it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict and I said do you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny? And I will never forget telling that joke for the very first time to a room full of bitter open mic comedians who never reacted to anything and the whole room just went oh. And I was like, oh, I'm going to be a fucking star. And then, of course, a couple years later, I got my big break and I got to do some roasting. I got to roast Donald Trump, charlie Sheen, roseanne Barr, all the greats. And people still ask me, anthony, which one was your favorite? Charlie Sheen, but not because of Charlie Sheen. I don't give a fuck about Charlie Sheen.
Speaker 1:I remember a couple of days before that roast I'm at home writing jokes and I get a phone call from the network and they say Anthony, I know you only have a couple of days left to write, but we just added Mike Tyson to the program. Will you be able to write any jokes about Mike Tyson? Two days later, I'm walking into that roast with 100 jokes about Mike Tyson. I'm so excited. And right as I go to sit down, a guy from the network comes back and he goes I'm just double checking with you. You don't have any Mike Tyson rape jokes, do you? And I said why? And he said well, it was almost impossible to get Mike Tyson to agree to appear on a televised roast. We had to promise him there would be no rape jokes. And I was like, are we talking about the same Mike Tyson.
Speaker 1:So now the roast has begun. I'm up at the podium, Cameras are rolling, I have zero jokes about Mike Tyson and I'm mad about it. But out of the corner of my eye I can see Mike Tyson sitting on the stage. Now Mike's been drinking, mike's been smoking, mike's laughing and everything. Mike's responding to jokes that aren't even about him. Mike Tyson's having the time of his life. So I think you know what I can do one. So I said I think Mike Tyson's biggest problem is Mike never had a strong male role model growing up. Mike's dad walked out on the family very early on after Mike raped him. Now, as soon as I tell this joke, as soon as I tell it, I regret it. I am afraid I am. I turned to look at Mike Tyson to see is he coming at me? I'm about to die and I just see Mike Tyson throw his head back and he goes. He got you, charlie Guys.
Speaker 1:In 20 years of standup comedy I've gotten to meet so many famous people. I haven't given a fuck about any of them, except for one, and that was Norm Macdonald. Yep, all right, long before I ever even consider becoming a comedian, I worshipped Norm MacDonald. He was my hero when I was a kid. He's still my hero today. Never got to meet him for the longest time.
Speaker 1:Then, a couple years ago, I get a phone call from my agent. He says, anthony, how would you like to be the new host of Last Comic Standing? And I said, why the fuck would I want to do that? That show sucks. And he said this year it's going to be different. This year they have Norm MacDonald as a judge. Would you like to work with Norm? And I signed up on the spot.
Speaker 1:I mean, norm and I made eight episodes of this TV show together, eight straight nights of eight hour tapings every night. And for the first four episodes Norm MacDonald and I do not get along at all. We get into fights every night on the air. We get into fights every night backstage. We flat out do not like each other and it's killing me. He's my hero and the only reason I took this job. So for those first four episodes I am working at it and I'm working at it hard and Norm's working at it too, just not nearly as hard. But after four episodes, for whatever reason, something clicks and finally Norm and I are laughing together. We're getting along all I ever wanted.
Speaker 1:And after the show was finally finished, norm and I had to go and promote it. And the last time I ever saw Norm MacDonald, we are backstage at Larry King. I'm getting interviewed first and then Norm. And right before I go out, Norm says to me hey, anthony, I know we haven't always gotten along or seen eye to eye, but if you're up for it and you trust me, I thought of something really funny that you and I could do together. I said oh my God, norm, of course you're my hero. Tell me what you want to do. He says I think it'll be funny if, instead of promoting the show by talking about these other comedians, instead of promoting the show by talking about these other comedians, why don't you and I promote the show by publicly insulting each other? He says don't even try to be funny, anthony, just be mean. And I said you know what, norm, I can do that.
Speaker 1:And I sit down with Larry King and Larry says Anthony, what do you think about Norm MacDonald? And I said Larry, norm Macdonald is a piece of shit. And I could hear Norm laughing backstage. And I finished the interview. I go backstage, norm is still laughing and he says Anthony, that was perfect. Now watch this. And Norm sits down with Larry King. Larry King says Norm, what do you think about Anthony Jeselnik? And Norm says, larry, he's one of the greats. I've never been more pissed off in my entire life. Can't believe I fell for that. Well, you've been an amazing crowd today. I'm going to leave you all with this. This is my new closer. Don't worry, it's trans proof.
Speaker 1:About a month ago, I went to a wedding Craziest wedding I've ever seen. I mean, after the ceremony, every single person there took Molly. The bride took Molly, the groom took Molly. The parent, the grandparents, every single person there was on Molly Craziest shit I've ever seen. I blacked out around midnight, woke up the next morning in a fucking hammock somewhere. I went and found the bride and groom and I was like, hey guys, did I do anything embarrassing last night? And they said, yeah, anthony, you spiked the punch with Molly. Thank you very much, milwaukee, you have a great night. Thank you, okay, hope you enjoyed that.
Speaker 1:If you want to nerd out on standup comedy and you hadn't heard that uh special I think it would be fun to go on Netflix. It's Anthony Jeselnik, j-e-s-e-l-n-i-k, bones and All is the name of the special 2024. And watch his persona it's very different than mine. And watch the crowd reaction and see this master do it and you sort of get an idea of how much stand-up comedy isn't just obviously the words you say and the jokes you tell, but it's the persona, it's how you sell it and you'll see a master sell it. And so be a comedy nerd. Go watch it on Netflix right now. All right, we'll see you next week. Thanks for being here, as always. I wish you a week full of love and adventure, peace, joy, wisdom and so much love making, thank you.