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Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton
This is an audio journal of actor, David Walton (Fired Up, New Girl, About a Boy, Bad Moms, Power:Ghost) as he builds a standup comedy set in public with the help of comedians and friends. New episodes every Thursday.
Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton
#33 Fingering and Fashion: The Middle School Edition
Ever wonder what your teenage fashion choices revealed about your desperate need to fit in? David Walton takes us on a hilarious journey through the social currency of Z Cavariccis—those ridiculously baggy pants with multiple belt loops that somehow signaled coolness in the 90s—and draws parallels to watching his own children navigate the treacherous waters of adolescence today.
With raw honesty and self-deprecating humor, David explores the delicate balance between supporting kids through identity development while protecting their still-baking brains. "You don't open the oven, pull out the cake and stick a THC pipe into it," he advises, making a compelling case for waiting until our brains are fully formed (around age 25) before making permanent, life-altering decisions. This tension between biological development and legal adulthood creates a fascinating framework for discussing everything from teenage experimentation to gender identity.
The episode takes unexpected turns through personal confessions, parenting philosophies, and culminates in a crowd-sourced collection of phrases guaranteed to make people want to punch you in the face. From corporate speak like "let's circle back" to the condescending "I love that for you," David examines the language that shapes our interactions while frequently catching himself in the act of using these very phrases. This self-awareness creates an intimate connection with listeners, as if we're all building this plane together as we fly it. Whether you're a parent, a former teenager (aren't we all?), or someone navigating your own identity journey, you'll find both laughter and wisdom in this unfiltered exploration of human development.
Subscribe now and join David on his journey from comedy novice to polished performer as he brings his unique perspective to stages across the country. Share your own teenage fashion disasters or annoying phrases in the comments!
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Hey, welcome to Starting Stand-Up. I have a correction from last week. A bunch of my classmates from my elementary school have reached out and told me that the size of my teacher's penis was not 7 inches limp, it was actually bigger, and I'm just terribly sorry that I misrepresented that. Anywhere from 8 to 10 is what we're saying, so let's just give it an even 9. If you missed last episode, it's not nearly as gnarly as you think it is right now. But yes, in fact that was a mistake. I was on the record saying 7 inches limp, but my fifth grade teacher's penis was bigger than that and I do apologize for that inaccurate information. If you've been listening for a while, you know that I seek the truth. I try to speak only the truth here on this podcast, so I do apologize. All right, we've got another wonderful show. I have no idea what it's going to be. I'm kind of having fun with this. We're just going to build this plane as we fly it. So welcome to Starting Stand Up. My name is David Walton.
Speaker 1:This is a podcast that tracks my journey from brand new beginner of stand-up comedy to trying to get good fast. That fast part is challenging, but we're making headway, we're reengaging and I'm excited to work today and try some things and try to get better at standup comedy. So come along for the ride with me. Let's start stand-up. Oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. Matt Ruby has a wonderful. It's no longer a blog it's now defunct, I should say, but all his posts are still available. If you're doing stand-up comedy and you're listening to this, I recommend it. Just Google Sandpaper Suit and you'll see Matt Ruby's old blogs all very informative. These old, old blogs, all very informative. This is I just pulled a few from a interview he did and this is the segment I'm calling useful information for standups. So the stereotype of comedians being horribly depressed and neurotic is true, and Matt says, yes, but everyone is depressed and neurotic. We're just open about it. Next question what most important lesson have you learned in comedy? That people want you to be vulnerable and confident at the same time, but not too much of either. That was thought-provoking to me. And then finally, matt, what's your advice to your younger self just starting in comedy career? The more it's art, the less it pays. A nice friendly reminder that it's all about the laughs. And if you want to do it, art maybe go off-Broadway, all right.
Speaker 1:Moving on, guys, one of the things that a number of people have advised is that any time in your actual life you make people genuinely laugh hard. You want to have a little automatic note-taking system in your brain where you go, just remember. You can either write it down what was the moment that made that group of people or that individual laugh and is there a way to then take that, provide the context and put it on stage? In that case, I was having a conversation with a friend and their eldest child's transition is now a woman and is 18 or so, and I asked if they were having any surgeries or stuff like that, and this friend said that he was just advising now her to hold off because they're still young. And I agreed. And that's where I land on this.
Speaker 1:I don't approve of children, honestly, until your brain's fully developed, which I believe is 24, 25. I think it should be illegal to do irreversible operations Now that's hard because 18, you become an adult, so but I think I actually think the law should change to when the brain is fully cooked, which is when the oven timer goes off on the noggin, I believe is age 24. And that is one of the things I've told my children at a young age. They're getting now to the point where I started drinking when I was 12, a little bit 13, had a little more, was going pretty strong at 15. And then the marijuana started, probably around 16 in earnest, where it started to work. I really stuck with it, you know what I mean. It didn't work for a long time but I just really committed to doing this thing until it finally worked the 26th time and I regret it honestly.
Speaker 1:If I could go back and speak some sense to myself, I would say that, david, it's okay to enjoy a few things. You don't want to not know what it's like, but tone it down, wait until you're 24 and then go ape, ape, because that's when the brain is fully cooked. I believe it's 25 and then you've got a freshly baked beautiful brain, beautiful noggin and, uh, the world's your oyster and there's proper adult ways to do all the drugs. But we're all young and impulsive and, honestly, when I was growing up, if you weren't doing, if you weren't partaking, I mean you pretty much didn't have friends. You know you have to do it. Things are changing now. Non-alcs are in style, which is nice.
Speaker 1:Anyway, back to my children. I tell them they're 12 and 11. I'm like, look, you're going to run into this stuff and you can do what you want, but as a parent, I just care about your body and your health and your mind, which is all you have. Your mind is this beautiful thing and it's going to shape your future. So you want to treat it like a Grand Prix Motocross Just tune it beautifully so let it bake beautifully.
Speaker 1:You don't open the oven, pull out the cake and stick a THC pipe into it, or just def a bong hit straight into the cake. You don't shoot it up with PCP or Koi or POW ice crank. You don't snort Ritalin and put it into the cake. You don't even take mushrooms and put them in the cake. You just wait the more you know. Yeah, so if anything, if any service I want to give to the world, it's whoever's listening out there. Wait till you're 25 before you start doing heroin.
Speaker 1:I don't know what I was saying. Why did I go on this rampage? Oh, yeah, so I was agreeing that. You know, kids don't know themselves and they're having all sorts of identity crises. And I mean I, I'm 46, I don't even know my. Who really knows himself? We're all deep oceans of mystery incapable of tremendous personality shifts. I mean, I'm undergoing one right now. I can't wait a year from now to show you what I've turned into, but what I'm really trying to say, what I told this guy. I was like, yeah, I didn't know what I was. I was sticking my finger up my ass on masturbating when I was 15. And that got a chuckle. Okay, how's everyone feeling tonight? Remember to tip your waitress. That's the biggest cop out. Yeah, so that was the laugh I got. That's what I remembered, and now I'm sharing with you inadvisably. So, yeah, well, the thing about sticking fingers up the ass, we're going to go there. You know, we might as well, because I'm sure everyone has experienced some level of it, whether it was a mistake as an adolescent, sometimes you don't find the right hole, you know, and you're fumbling about trying to get to third base for the first time.
Speaker 1:I did have this thought the other day. My daughter is in seventh grade and I was looking at these videotapes. I saw my ninth grade graduation grade and I was looking at these videotapes. I saw my ninth grade graduation and I was very young. So it's really what my son will be in eighth grade and I realized that, uh, very soon my children are going to be getting into the old opposite sex thing. If my daughter's in seventh grade, she's already, she's already starting to to feel it. And, um, I remember in seventh grade everyone was already starting to feel it. And I remember in seventh grade everyone was wearing Z Cavaricci's and I was like mom, I need Z Cavaricci's.
Speaker 1:If you don't know what a Z Cavaricci is, that was a pant that came in fashion in the early 90s MC Hammer, vanilla Ice, they were rocking insanely baggy, like sort of clown pants. And Z Cavaricci was an extraordinarily baggy pant with a very tight waist with I'm not fucking with you four layers. The really aggressive Z Cavaricci's had like four layers of belt loops. So there were you know, a normal pant has one layer, this had belt loop and below that another layer belt loop. So you sort of had this almost like corset of belt loops and then a super baggy pant.
Speaker 1:And I remember seventh grade being like mom, brian J has fingered a girl already. He's in seventh grade and he wears Z Cavaricci's. And I didn't tell my mom this, but in my head I'm going I need to finger a girl so I better. Can you buy me some Z Cavaricci's. And, as a good mother, she bought me some Z Cavaricci's, just like I bought my son the gold chain that he wanted recently. And so look, they're both getting my son asked for some hair gel.
Speaker 1:This kid has never, ever, thought about girls and looking cool. He never chose an outfit until about four months ago and now he's requesting gold chains, you know, sports jerseys and some hair gel. So clearly it's on his mind. He's trying to fit in with the cool kids, which, of course, you can't judge, because that's what teenagers do. It's just all about fitting in, being cool, and that's the process and we just got to love it, we just got to support it, just like my mom gave me the z cavaricci's.
Speaker 1:Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is I can't believe kids were fingering in the seventh grade and I have a seventh grader. I mean this is not cool. It's a really troubling idea. I don't think that's going down, uh. But I know that you know they're at public school in maine, like there's shit going down. But I know that you know they're at public school in Maine, like there's shit going down. So I think my parenting philosophy is just to start to slowly transition from parent to friend so that I can you know I can hear it all. I'm not going to reprimand anybody, but it's gonna be hard, anyway.
Speaker 1:Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is Neither of my kids Know who they are. So if my daughter came up to me and said, dad, I think I'm a lesbian, I'd be like Fantastic sweetheart. Labels are for jars, not people, and you just ride this, you ride the lesbian train as long as you want, knowing deep down that it's okay if she is, but the chance there could be, a solid chance that she'll, she'll figure something else out. And of course, we're all on a. We're on a continuum, aren't we?
Speaker 1:There's been a lot of stand-up about that thing, about that, the continuum of sexuality. It is just incredible to me that you can get imprisoned for murder and, uh, start enjoying pounding guys asses pretty quickly as a hetero, quote unquote. So, yeah, I think there's some stuff here. I think think it's really. It's really. I want to thank you. I want to thank you for listening, because there is a freedom in just being straight up with you. You know, it's you that allows me to be straight up. And in being straight up, I think I'm stumbling on the things that I need to be talking about on stage. I need to be talking about buying Z Cavaricci's because I wanted to finger a girl like Brian J. I need to be talking about that and finally, I want to leave all of you with.
Speaker 1:I love Reddit. I go in waves, but Reddit is a fascinating little world and I recently stumbled upon someone posing the question, which is what is a common phrase? People say that instantly annoys you, and I'd like to share what people, thousands of people, what phrases annoy them, so that if you use them, you can know. Okay, knowing is half the battle. Feel free to continue to use them. Don't be confused when people punch you in the nose Okay, the number one life hack.
Speaker 1:People hate that phrase. Life hack. They also hate sorry, not sorry. They hate it. This is one they hate, but I've never heard anyone ever say it I was today years old usually followed by an incorrect fact. They just learned. I never cry harder.
Speaker 1:People really hate that. They hate it. Everything happens for a reason. Never say that when something bad has happened to a friend, the more you know. Never say that, never, no offense, but yeah, I don't care about that. That can be Kind of funny when you say something incredibly offensive using the word trauma in a vastly exaggerated way. Fully, full agreement with that.
Speaker 1:Irregardless People hate when people use that. Irregardless people hate when people use that word irregardless. I could care less. A lot of people hate that. This means you do care at least a little, which is the precise opposite of what you're trying to convey. Idiot Only in. Insert city or state. 95% of the time they say only in. It's something that can happen almost anywhere in the US. Don't do that. Don't say only in. This triggered my OCD. Don't say that People hate it.
Speaker 1:I don't want to yuck anyone's yum. Actually, yucking yum is I do like that one. I respectfully disagree. This is my favorite. I love that for you. I love that for you. It's the most condescending one. I just love it. I love you.
Speaker 1:I actually use that with my wife all the time. We had a good running gag for about a year and a half where every time she expressed enthusiasm for anything I said I love that for you and she returned the favor Run, don't walk. I actually use that. I got to stop using it. People hate it. Am I the only one who? No, you are not and you're self-centered. Stop it. Let's circle back to this. We should touch base. Let's put a pin in it. Yeah, icentered, stop it. Let's circle back to this. We should touch base. Let's put a pin in it. Yeah, I say pin in it. I got to stop that Circle back. Yeah, I do say that. Uh-oh, oh boy. Yep, we're all feeling it.
Speaker 1:A lot of hatred for the things we say All right, lives in your head, rent-free. People hate that. All right, lives in your head, rent free. People hate that. They just hate. They hate cliches. They hate these sayings. I literally died.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that anno. It's not my place to tell you how to live your life, but knowing awareness is half the battle. If any of those things are things that you say, maybe try two weeks taking them out of the rotation and see how your life improves, see if you start making more friends. All right, this has been fun. I like where this is going. We're kind of in a pocket here of just building the plane as we fly it. I promise you that as the weeks carry on, that we will continue to evolve and build a fascinating stand-up plane in front of you and hopefully we can all board this plane in the near future and experience some world-class comedy together. In the meantime, I wish you a week full of tremendous joy, peace, summer fun, excitement and romance, with a sprinkling of third base wearing Z Cavaricis. See you next week, thank you.