Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#36 Latest Open Mic with Post Mortem

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 36

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 26:04

Pre-show Nervous Energy

Speaker 1

Hello , starting standees Very excited for this episode because what we have here is a real-time ep . I am T-minus hour and a half from going on for my open mic . It's been a while . I got some nervous energy , but I am actually genuinely excited . I'm excited to try some new things and to tighten up some old things . I have spent the last three or four hours this afternoon listening to old sets , removing things that didn't get laughs , tightening things up and then working on a new bit about my son asking me if I masturbate , and I don't know if I have time to get that in . But the good news is I have now enough stuff where I think I'll feel it'll be easier to go to open mics because I want to test this stuff out . So that's good . It's been a winning day . I appreciate it . Special shout out to my accountability group , who I meet with on Mondays , and I don't think I'd be doing this without them . They really kicked me in the ass . So this is great . I'm excited you're here . I'll be coming back in a few hours giving you the post-mortem .

Speaker 1

I'm going to the Comedy Mill in Biddeford . The Comedy Mill is the name of the show . It's called Mulligan's the bar . There we have it . Anyway , thanks for being here and we'll see you soon . Oh man , that's rubbish

The Inevitability of Bombing

Speaker 1

. That's rubbish , okay , we're back . Well , we did another . It was we're back . Well , we did another . We got back in the saddle . We reengaged . The victory tonight was the reengagement . Now , let's do an honest assessment , honest self-reflection . It wasn't bad . I mean , I stood and delivered , so why don't we share it ? I mean , what do I got to lose ? I'll just share you the open mic I just did .

Speaker 1

When you hear this set , you're going to feel tremendous secondhand embarrassment from me and you're going to cringe and you're going to think , oh God , this is so sad and I want you to know that it is . But it doesn't matter . This is the inevitable , unavoidable process . This is my 22nd , or something , open mic . In order to become a legitimate stand-up , I need to be doing hundreds of these , and so whatever your , let's say , say , judgment or whatever your secondhand embarrassment or dork tingles or just shame or like secondhand shame that you're gonna feel , it's okay , I feel it , own it . It means you like me and love me . It also means you're judging me . But all of it should be accepted as the inevitable process . And may I make something extremely , extremely clear to you . This was by far the best set of the night . No , I'm just teasing .

Speaker 1

There's some funny people , but if maybe one of these podcast episodes I will share what the norm is at these open mics , because they are incredibly depressing . There is so many failed jokes slapping you across the face . It is wildly uncomfortable , but you begin to get like teflon . You just realize that everyone is just grinding away and that it's so hard that the the things that don't work . No one in actually in the audience is judging , because everyone is . Everyone is bombing , and so I want you to just put on that hat as you listen to this . Be an open mic audience member .

Speaker 1

We got a big gay body coming to the stage next , mr

Live Stand-up Performance

Speaker 1

David Walton . Ladies and gentlemen , thank you all . Anthony , being tall is not what it's all cracked up to be . I get jealous of you on airplanes , and if we had the same size penis , yours would look a lot bigger , so you should think about that . You understand . You understand what I'm saying .

Speaker 1

We're listening to everybody intently and there's some cool things , like I have this set , and the themes of my set are being mentioned . One is masturbation and one is awareness . You know meditation , so I think I'm going to go with . I'll go with the meditation set . So I've meditated probably 2,000 hours , ass on cushion , and I'm just beginning to realize that it's a total crock of shit . All I'm becoming more mindful and aware of is that I'm a bad person , like you know . It's supposed to be this thing like close your eyes , allow sensations , thoughts , feelings to rise and fall like waves on the ocean , be the ocean . And for me , as a father , it's like I'm at the dinner table and it's like become increasingly mindful of the smooth glass of your iPhone as you ignore your family and play some four-way parlay on a Turkish basketball game . And then you're supposed to make . It's supposed to make you , you know , connect , be more present with your child . And all I'm doing is sitting there while she's on step 17 of her Korean skincare routine , going .

Speaker 1

Notice , david , the increasing certainty that you were never meant to be a parent . A little dark , maybe a little dark . I love my children , don't worry guys . No , but it is . It's very boring there . Most of children's stories are really boring , you know . You have to sit right there in it . You just be aware of it . I just was much happier when I wasn't aware , like in my 20s .

Speaker 1

You sometimes wonder , like what it would be like to be aware of doing blow with your friends in your 20s . You know what I mean . You're like let's sit around before we do these lines . Let's just give gratitude to the Colombian farmer who made this night possible With the giant black man that we just met at 3 am in this kitchen . Let's feel the JetBlue MasterCard . Divide up the lines equally , but just notice the subtle justification is or divide up the lines equally , but Just notice the subtle justification is because you bought the cocaine , you deserve the bigger line .

Speaker 1

Anyway , it's hard , it's hard to . And then , like I've been on silent retreats and I don't know if anyone's been on a silent retreat and it's really weird . They feel like a cult . There's all these ADP people mindfully eating really slowly , not talking , and I can't help but just want to bully them . I just want to poke Gustav in his third eye , or just give Bradley a little wedgie , you know , just supercharge his root chakra , get that kundalini really flowing up the spine . There's this guy , moonbeam , and Moonbeam says that silence is the loudest echo of the universe , and I disagree . I just want to tell Moonbeam that I think the loudest echo of the universe is if I put your head in the toilet with a man bun and gave you just a good old-fashioned swirly . Remember those in high school ? No , I guess I'm a baby's boy . Swirlies are great the other day .

Speaker 1

It's really hard being a parent . I'm just getting scary . I have an 11-year-old boy and it feels like I'm living in a war zone . Not because of his physical activity , it's because of the questions he's starting to ask . I love golf . He's getting into golf . I'm watching the US Open recently . I'm like boy , look at Scotty Shepard . He keeps his head still and he just releases those arms . 320 , right down to Piper . We've got to try that next time we're on the range .

Speaker 1

He looks at the TV and he goes Dad , do you masturbate ? And it's just a horrifying feeling because your brain's in a panic . You get really scared because , well , first of all , you don't want to talk about masturbation with your son when you're watching the US Open . That's number one . Because well , first of all , you don't want to talk about masturbation with your son when you're watching the US Open . That's number one . Number two it's creepy to think your son's thinking about your erect penis , you know , while watching golf . And number three , he's watching YouTube all the time .

Speaker 1

Guys Like I don't know , if I say yes , the follow-up questions could be insane . It could be like , oh cool , dad , like do you go with the double pepper grinder ? Or like , and a little bit , today it's like you can't be . Like . You know , son , you know , you know I'm not big enough for the double pepper grinder , but luckily my wife's in the kitchen over here and she started . She just laughed and she goes hey , louie , everybody , everybody masturbates . And I was like hey , louie , everybody masturbates . And I was like yes , louie , you're right , she's right , I do . He goes . Why ? What about the shmenma ? It's not a true story . He goes what about the shmenma ? I go , what do you mean , shmenma ? Your dad has powerful , powerful loads . Actually , that load made you , boy , you run along and you play your xbox .

Speaker 1

All right , give it up for david , okay , post-mortem

Post-set Analysis and Takeaways

Speaker 1

, post-mortem . Thank you for listening . Well , I hope that was as uncomfortable for you as it was for me . But here's the thing thing in listening back , there's a lot to learn . There's so much to learn . Where do I even begin ? Okay , first of all , I would say the let's start with the positive . Okay .

Speaker 1

Biggest laughs from this audience . I'm not saying this is the funniest , I'm not saying these are the jokes that should get the biggest laughs . I'm saying these are the jokes that did get the biggest laughs . That's the data . That's a room full of 18 stand-up comedians . Often , often , this is a huge problem in the stand-up development system is what makes stand-up comedians laugh is very different than what makes civilians laugh , and so a lot of stand-ups will say this , that they do these jokes that are really weird and off color and they just are kind of shocking and just strange , and they'll get laughs from the stand-up comedian audience and then they just bomb with regular people stand-up comedian audience and then they just bomb with regular people , and so it's just tricky . It's tricky to trust the laughs right now . I listened to that and here are the biggest laughs ready .

Speaker 1

First laugh was the Draft Kings that I had set it up . It took way too long , I mean , just about a minute of setting up . Meditation is something that I like . Blah , blah , blah . And then here's what you're supposed to do , and then blah , blah , blah , and now I'm mindful of my betting . I thought it may be an adding a line . Like you know , it's just much more fun to have a gambling problem when you're not aware that you have a gambling problem . Now , the next joke was the skincare routine of my daughter , who you know is obsessed with Korean skincare , and she does like 24 , she will explain . I will pretend to be interested as she explains all 20 steps of her skincare routine and it's hell . It really is , uh , but she doesn't know that until now . Um and but step 17, . Like , maybe I didn't say explaining it enough .

Speaker 1

It was interesting because I've done this joke once before for an audience of three people at Empire and when I listened back to that , that audience was loving all this . They were really loving it . I was very slow , I don't know what it was . It was very intimate , I was really talking to them and they really really liked this . So I have two data points . I have one audience , a very small amount of people , who absolutely loved this stuff , and then I have this audience which was kind of iffy . But this joke is a little bit dark . I mean , when you're basically saying that you wish you weren't a parent , it's a little . It gives people a little bit of like are these kids ? Okay , that's my theory . Who knows if people are concerned . Please don't be . My kids feel tremendous amount of love anyway , okay , okay .

Speaker 1

Next big laugh , maybe the biggest laugh of the night . Going back to the tape , uh , we may have to , we may have to go back to the tape , but I think it was the biggest laugh of the night and that was , uh , a good old friend , our friend cocaine . We love talking about cocaine . Cocaine is making a big comeback in the comedy world . It's just a very funny drug for some reason and I can't stop talking about it . I'm hoping to do an hour and a half just on that topic . No , but no , it did . There's no denying it .

Speaker 1

The line let's give gratitude , uh , for the columbian farmers made this night possible . That got the biggest laugh , I think . And , and you know , look , uh , if you've been , if you're starting standing , you've been listening to this . You know that my christmas episode , I did a a whole six minute mindfulness of cocaine and obviously you'll connect the dots and that was a joke that came from that , but , uh , it was nice . It was nice to see that , uh , people , people enjoy that .

Speaker 1

What was interesting is my most favorite part , and maybe there was like racist undertones , but it's just based on personal experience . Um , there was just a lot of . You know , I said something about a big black man who you just met and you're in his kitchen at 3 am giving gratitude to the columbian farmers just met and you're in his kitchen at 3 am giving gratitude to the columbian farmers , and maybe I don't know . I don't know , just saying big black man sometimes puts people on edge . But look , I'm just , I'm just stating the facts , um of my life .

Speaker 1

Anyway , moving on , yeah , let's move on to the bullying thing , the bullying of the silent retreat . Uh , again . Uh , this is a derivative of a lot of things I've been thinking about . I think there's still something there . This is the again the . The first time I performed this , there was people were really digging it . This time I think people are a little iffy , like you know , just a bully , like me being a bully , you can't assume that they think you're a likable bully . Maybe they start thinking you're a real asshole . So I think there's a huge trust . You have to establish this likability and that , this sweetness or something to pull off these bully things . Or you just like go full persona that you're just a total dick , and then they , they're safe to laugh . But I think it's kind of confusing . Um , I will say I left out a really kind of good line after the bullying , or a bona fide joke that works , where right after I end the bullying bits , I say uh , oh yeah , one more thing .

Speaker 1

I host a meditation class , lead a meditation class at 9 AM on Wednesdays . A flyer hit me up for a flyer . You know , that's always a nice little . Maybe it's , maybe it's cheap , but it works . It works . It's surprising . You know what I mean , after you've revealed so much darkness , if you will , anyway . So I forgot to say that . But what's cool is I know it would have gotten a laugh , and that's what stand-ups start to realize . They just start to have the confidence of , like I have trusted material that , unless it's just an insanely weird environment , is going to get a laugh . So you build up that quiver . Okay , moving on . Okay , so moving on to .

Speaker 1

I did get the time to talk about this masturbation story , and so this is what I'll say about that the masturbation . It's funny because you think that people are going to laugh when you tell the story , like this is what my son did . He asked me if I was going to , if I was masturbating and if you were telling your friends and family that they would laugh just with his question . But an audience , that's , that's not enough . They don't know my son . I don't really know me . It's kind of it's not a joke , it's just like okay , well , he asked you if you masturbated . The jokes have to come after that . So I would say I'll give myself a pat on the back .

Speaker 1

I knew that that saying Dad , do you masturbate ? Wasn't going to get a laugh Either because there's probably a way to do it , there's probably a way to set it up with timing or something where that does get a laugh . However , I knew that I didn't have that yet , so I just rolled through it . I tried to just move past it quickly and get right into the reality of what is the reaction of a human , what is the honest , truthful reaction I had , which was really that my face turned blood red and it was super uncomfortable and somewhat annoying and funny . It was like a whole mixture of emotions and I think what you really want to get down to is what I'm hoping to do is to get more of that truthful , the truth of the reaction , and there is a lot of panic , you know , because your mind starts really ripping on what you're going to say , because you can just be like like yes , or you can say like within the five seconds that you're waiting to kind of decide what to say to your son when he says do you masturbate ? Yeah , I think I probably had about 40 thoughts and that's what I was trying to get at in the stand-up set .

Speaker 1

I was trying to like milk the funny things , because you know the questions are coming and there is a tremendous amount of curiosity and also dirtiness when you're 11 , as a boy , like the shit you're talking about at school . I mean , I was looking at hustlers , I think , when I was 9 or 10 , like it's on and it's on for my son , and so you know , I think there's better jokes . Like I should have mimicked the double pepper grinder thing . Uh , I , I , I'm not sure people know what that is . That's like an inside joke . You know , when you pepper grind a penis , um , maybe , maybe , just not that funny to people . I was surprised that people didn't find that term funny as funny as I do .

Speaker 1

But like I could add just another stupid , like kind of high school term like the the stranger . You know , like if Louie started asking me like if I've ever done the stranger , which is when you sit on your left hand and , you know , remove all blood flow so it goes numb and then you masturbate with it so it feels like someone else's hand . You know , maybe , maybe that's one . You know , there's a million terms for the different ways you can . You can do it , but , um , I think there's something there . I think I think this story can milk and especially can it can parlay right into his other question , driving to school , when he asked me if I'd ever done cocaine .

Speaker 1

So there's quite a bit here of my relationship to my son that I think is good and I'm excited to tighten . And then I added , very late to this set , I added what is in the leading . It could be a tie of the two biggest laughs and a couple of standups . You know , sort of marked it as their favorite line , where Louis , you know , when he asked , and I had to say I forget to say this is a true story because I think a lot of people assume that you're bullshitting , but I just want to . You know , I think next time I do it I'll be like guys , this is really true . Nothing I'm saying is false . When he said like , oh dad , it's so gross , like does the shmegma come out ? And then me getting prideful about my loads People really like that . And then there's just the straight truth of the matter , which has always blown my mind really , is that the reason these beloved children exist is because you nutted directly into your wife's vagina . You just busted it . That's it , simple , simple . The most pedestrian thing in the world has created this life , has changed your life on such a profound , deep , in such a profound way . I find it so comical .

Speaker 1

I remember when my sister , my oldest sister , announced that she was pregnant , when my sister , my , my oldest sister , announced that she was pregnant . I remember like we were in the living room of our house , uh , on clyde street , and everyone got so excited . It was just screaming . I three , my three other sisters , screaming , my mother's screaming , and and francy and John were there . John is her husband and they were in

Joke Development and Future Plans

Speaker 1

their mid-20s , a little sort of late , 26 , 27 . And I was not screaming , I was not smiling , I was just looking at them , being like , just imagining , like , okay , look at this excitement . All that dude did was just bust it unprotected into my sister . That's it . What are we congratulating them for Do you know how fucking easy that is ?

Speaker 1

Do you know how good ? You know that feels Like you're just all screaming , that your daughter like pulled the goalie and got just fully nutted into . You know , and that's where my brain goes . I don't know why I just that's where my brain goes . I don't know why . That's how my brain works . And then , later on , you know , my nephew's born and I Make sure to tell him . The only reason you exist Remember , dude , the only reason you exist , is cause of that . It's cause of what I just said . Anyway , there's something there , but it's because of what I just said . Anyway , there's something there , but it's more podcasty than it is stand-up . Maybe not , who knows , but people liked that . People liked me bragging about the load and then me trying to explain . You know , like , ask your mother , that's exactly how we made you boy . Now go play your Xbox . I don't know .

Speaker 1

It seemed like a pretty strong ending . I think the claps at the end of that were maybe the strongest I've ever had at the end of an open mic . And I don't think that's because the open mic was particularly good , because I ended on a strong note which is high up on the list of must-dos to be a stand-up . Okay , that's it . I've really gone for it .

Speaker 1

It was fun to do a post-mortem . This one is probably more for me because I can listen back and remember and my takeaways . But I really do appreciate you being here and coming all the way with me . And , yeah , we're back , we're back

Comedic Summer PSA and Sign-off

Speaker 1

. We got a little bit of that fire . We've been through the dark night of the soul questioning everything , but the fire is back . We're going to keep going and we're going to have a fun summer and we're going to keep grinding . And who knows where we go , who knows where this takes us . The days are getting shorter , the solstice is behind us , the summer is just beginning . If you are going to nut in someone this summer , just make sure you're ready to have a baby or that they are in proper protection .

Speaker 1

That's the PSA for today . Lots of love , everybody Wishing you tremendous , tremendous joy and peace and love . Next week's guest is Dave Chappelle , and then the following week will be Louis CK and then the following week after that is going to be Jerry Seinfeld . We're just confirming those guys . So it's not 100 , it's close . So I look forward to , uh , interviewing those guys and , you know , hearing what advice they have for me after they listen to this set . Okay , bye , thank you .