Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#38 Love Island Analysis

• David Walton

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Speaker 1:

Okay, it's summer, everybody, and the wheels are off. Yeah, wheels are completely off, welcome. Hope everyone is having a great summer. Currently sipping a Diet Coke with Mount Gay Rum, I'm pretty sure I've had a beer I don't know every day for the last three weeks At least one beer I don't know, every day for the last three weeks, at least one.

Speaker 1:

My current move is to is to have a few beers around 5 PM before dinner and then basically crash so hard after dinner. It's like you want that empty stomach buzz and then you kind of delay dinner and then you're like I need to eat something and then you eat, and then you. And then you're like I need to eat something and then you eat, and then you and then you're like what's the point of drinking after I eat, right, am I right? So I'm hoping by the end of the summer to get to the point where I don't need dinner and I can just maybe. The move is huge lunch, huge, huge lunch straight into into a walk, nap, then begin drinking and then just maybe like half a cup of soup for dinner and cocky poos oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish, I think, the inside of the mind of a summer Summer alcoholic. I'm a seasonal alcoholic. That's what I am Basically, don't drink much at all Fall, winter, spring, and then I build a deep, deep reservoir and then I can just absolutely tear all summer.

Speaker 1:

Wow, there's an incredibly beautiful full orange moon rising above the ocean right now. I wish you could all see it. I bet it's about 10 feet off the ocean. Huge, I'm going to have to look up what that kind of moon that is. Damn. I'm going to have to look up what kind of moon that is Damn. I want you to let me know if this sound makes you want to make yourself a drink. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:

How are you things? Nice, you guys working hard. When are you taking vacation? Yeah, august is the best. I mean, those days are getting shorter, of course, and there's that sweet melancholy of knowing the summers are almost over, but I think august is the time to take your two weeks. You know when are you headed.

Speaker 1:

Oh, cool, yeah, is it crowded then? Yeah, no, I went to the vineyard once when I was 18. Yeah, my friend had a compound, but then they went broke and had to sell it. Yeah, no one could afford it. You know what I mean? That sort of multi-generational loss thing? Yeah, totally. I know Things are getting more expensive. All these places are going to be gone soon, filled with private equity douchebags, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, but we got to protect it. That's why we don't allow any Jews, black people or lesbians into the club. Right, yeah, all right, right, good to see you, ma'am. Okay, that was my impression of a racist wasp club man. Hope you enjoyed that.

Speaker 1:

Moving on things I've seen this week, things that have bothered me, things that, uh, I'm observing about the world. So first, I'm just really pissed at jerry. Jerry seinfeld canceled on the interview again, um, so that's why it's just me tonight. I do apologize. I know a lot of you came to see jerry talk and promote, but I promise we'll have him on later. But I think this is going to be even better. This is going to be, you know, six or seven minutes of me verbal diarying in, and that's always fun. Number three mouth just going. Number three from my mouth, no one thing I'm doing. Cool this week is some, um, manifestation techniques.

Speaker 1:

Now there's a lot of woo-woo out in the world and some of you listening may be balls deep in woo-woo. And when I say woo-woo I mean W-O-O space. W-o-o that is slang for the kind of spiritual new age stuff that is rampant all over media. If that, if you're into that, or you throw your nose up at it or you say look at those fucking woo woo tools, look how broke they are, look how they're all recovering drug addicts, and you have a cynical view of it all. By the way, all are valid. All points of view are valid. I think I have a unique angle because I have one foot in the ultra douchebag world of high finance and privilege and prep school and ivy league education and extremely wealthy people, and I have access to all of that and at the same time and those people are decidedly not woo woo and at the same time, and those people are decidedly not woo-woo and at the same time, I gravitate very intrinsically, very intuitively, very deep level to that stuff. As I probably mentioned before, I would happily, happily, go on a three-month silent retreat and completely evacuate my entire life. Sayonara, goodbye kids, goodbye wife. Daddy needs some peace and some rest.

Speaker 1:

However, in the Indian culture, they call this you're a householder, and what's really cool about it is I'm going to mangle this, but fuck it. You know, in the Eastern religions, in this sort of Hindu culture in India. They have these caste systems right and whatever you're born into, that's what you're going to do. So if you're like a stone carver, you're just a stone carver. You don't have this ambition to be something more. And obviously India is changing rapidly and there's this giant emerging middle class in India.

Speaker 1:

However, the caste system created a situation where you basically had wandering sadhus. They were called sadhus or basically holy men who were basically beggars and you just wander around India but you were a holy man. So people like took you seriously and they gave you money, not because, you know, they wanted to feel good about themselves at a traffic light, uh, with their kids in the back, but because they believed that you know, know you needed. They wanted to support your spiritual development. Now, in India, a sadhu S-A-D-U was someone who in general, like if a sadhu rolled into America they would look like a schizophrenic homeless person, but in India there's a certain level of respect.

Speaker 1:

They call it a Kundalini crisis. Kundalini, for those who don't know, is the coiled serpent of energy that is lying dormant at the base of your spine. So if you ever get into meditation, you ever want to learn, you know, kind of go all the way in a lot of the practices. There's something called kundalini yoga, of course, but a lot of the practices will be to unlock, unleash the dormant energy that is lying, coiled and ready at the base of your spine. And when that energy is actually released, people will report massive states of bliss, joy, oneness with the world, egoless rapture. I am taking my gum out on that, I am sorry.

Speaker 1:

Of course, we could all categorize this under woo-woo, w-o-o, w-o-o and I, like Pareto's principle, which you probably are aware of, is that 80-20 principle, which is basically, like you know, you look at a garden and all the let's call them pea pods are growing and 20% of the pea pods create 80% of the peas. Uh, 20% of your clients create 80% of the profits. There is a weird natural proportion to productivity in the universe and it's generally abides by 80-20, 90-10. It's not exact math, but you get the idea. Applied to woo-woo in that woo-woo world are complete frauds and jokes and ultimately, if you're going to run into someone like that, which odds are you will? You're going to write it off and you should.

Speaker 1:

The problem with that is that you're going to miss out on the people who actually are super legit and I promise you it's legit. I promise you most of the craziest shit you've ever heard on some level is legit. So whether it's psychic shit or world systems, ghosts, you know what have you All the stuff. That's so easy because you can just disprove it by saying I've never seen it or there's no real hard, concrete scientific evidence. It's very easy to be that person. It's extremely easy.

Speaker 1:

However, I don't believe it. I just believe it's all going on. I mean, the truth is, who are we? We with our rudimentary five senses Sight, smell, hearing, touch. What's the fifth one? I don't even remember, remember. All I know is it's rudimentary.

Speaker 1:

So my point here and I'm rambling, my point really is is that the woo-woo world I love and I think I have a unique angle in which I have one foot in the world. Let's just, for the sake of simplicity, call it private equity, wall Street, douchebaggery, privilege, idiocy. I'm very comfortable in that world and I actually find the people in it to be hilarious, even though they are the enemies of 99% of the world. I think there's a lot of fucking hilariousness in it. So I have a genuine affection for people that would probably be murdered by the proletariat and, at the same time, I have a massive affection for the world of woo-woo and so what I'm trying to do is figure out, even just through stand-up is to bridge these two disparate worlds, and I don't know how to do it. I mean, I think I'm trying. The answer hasn't revealed itself to me.

Speaker 1:

I once did a video, I don't know five years ago, called like meditation, a white claw meditation. It was about, you know, a bro just meditating on his love for white claw and actually it was great. I mean, I'm meaning it was a really fun to do and you know it was well received. But my point is only this this has been a deep through line. When I did my two year meditation training, uh, we would sit around and we'd talk about like visions for the future and talk about visions for the future, and what were you going to do with this training?

Speaker 1:

And there was a deep part of me that wanted me to basically bring mindfulness to date rapers. Not that I ever met a date raper, but like what is the quintessential stereotypical? Like college double pop collar, college boy in a fraternity? For a vast majority of human beings it's like that dude is gonna rape me and he's gonna like high five, his southern buddies now, obviously I don't, but I don't see people black and white and I think, because I can speak the language of an idiot frat boy, I think I can get them to chill a little bit. Chill with the misogyny, chill with the. Yeah, any, any inclination to go and do something horrible? Just chill with the, the macho douchery. Does that make sense? I hope it does. Hey, update on love island.

Speaker 1:

I just went down to get a drink halfway through the recording and my daughter was watching Love Island again and alone, and the girls were screaming eat that kitty. While grinding on the couch. I believe the connection they referred to the sex that she just had as a journey. She was really pleased with the level of connection that she was having with this bearded gentleman and then everyone was giddy, and rightly so. It's very sweet, you know, when your friend finally makes love. It is very exciting and everyone should rejoice Because lovemaking, as we all can agree, is the best thing in the world. But it is interesting to watch extremely scantily clad women simultaneously singing eat that kitty while grinding on a couch. And then you look over and you're 13. You just turned. The 13 year old daughter is just looking at it, like, like, like, sheepishly, and you're like maybe I I really shouldn't have been a parent and because ultimately I don't, I cared in the beginning I was like I, I cannot support the, the watching of this show.

Speaker 1:

I mean, this is a show in which human beings walk on onto an island with six men tied up by their hands, blindfolded, and then these two new women introduced just go around hard making out I mean, just grotesque French kissing of just complete strangers who were tied up. And I really do have a nausea when I watch it. All the makeup caked on the new and it's like the cameras are rolling. It's just a way of getting people to know if they're good kissers. Then they rate the kissing and you're just like what is this doing to my daughter's brain? And then you text your wife and you go do you understand what this show is? And then she texts back.

Speaker 1:

I think this is good for someone who isn't already feeling sexual you know deep sexual urges to watch because it will teach her what not to do. And then you're like, well, maybe or maybe I'm going to walk in on a house party and all the dudes are going to be tied up and everyone's going to be strangers, mimicking Love Island. Anyway, evidently little did I know back when I was protesting that this show has swept the nation and that everybody's watching it and that they're having like parties and bars for everyone to watch it. And so look, if my 13 year old once gets caught up in the pop culture summer moment, so be it. Um, we don't want to get left behind. But man, oh man, it is a very strange feeling. So, anyway, eat that kitty. That's the new song of the summer. I think this really points to the broader problem, which is that I believe I am turning into an FCC parent.

Speaker 1:

You know the ones in the 80s who were like stop MTV, mtv off the air. The older I get, the more I believe that you are programmed by media. You know that old saying you are the average of the five people you hang around with. The most like who you hang out with has a huge impact on your intellect. What you're into. There's an alternative version of that, which is that you are. You are the result of everything you consume, and if you're mindlessly consuming algorithmic nonsense, your brain is going to turn into algorithmic nonsense if you're consuming and studying the greatest minds on earth or science, or you're obsessed with something like it's just common sense that you're gonna think you're thinking and what you're into is gonna, is gonna mold itself into what you're consuming. So I think the media you consume is actually way more important than you think. I think it's influencing you on obviously conscious but subconscious levels.

Speaker 1:

So take a human being who's never seen a commercial, who's never watched reality television, who doesn't watch the news, who simply reads great novels, interacts with those around him, takes in the best movies and studies the greatest thinkers and people of our time, their thoughts, listens to deep podcasts, is just constantly consuming really, really high level content. That human being that sort of, I mean, is going to be, I think, operating on a whole other level, a level that I think is well. I'll say this I would want for my kids If I could design their life, of course, I would want kids that are just like completely bathing in the highest quality media books, credible TV shows, the best movies, the best novels, the best spiritual information. Right, am I wrong? Is there an argument against this? I mean, look, the truth is reality TV is obviously value there.

Speaker 1:

If I'm going to play devil's advocate of why Love Island is amazing is because you're seeing these young people talk very openly, vulnerably, about what they want, need, their needs, what's bothering them. They're kind of tight-lipped. Everything's fine, sweetheart, no, everything's great. I'm not mad. That is out the window, window. There's none of that which I think is good. And while I I counted in the one minute I watched tonight the dudes being like dude, I'm so happy for you, bro, they said. Bro, it was like 30 bros within a 60 second span.

Speaker 1:

For the, the positive I see, besides the making out and the hypersexualized and everybody just like, with incredible bodies and just there does seem to be a genuine desire for love and connection. This isn't just like oh, I don't fucking get fucked, I'll move on like. These are people who want to be in love and man is a beautiful thing. So all the power to them. I wish them well. I raise my glass. I hope you all find love. And that's what's cool about the show too. I think the competition it's not really like there's one winner, I believe. I believe that there can be many winners If you find enough of a connection to last the whole way.

Speaker 1:

All right, that's my take. I got to get a co-host. Let's be honest guys. I got to get a co-host. I need someone to talk to. I mean, we'll see. I think I'm committing Remember, I said I'd do this podcast for one year um, redoing it. I'm committing to 20 years? Um, nope, that's wrong. 18 years. I'm not. I don't want to do this when I'm 65. 18 years is a long time. That's a lot of episodes. We'll see how it goes. No promises and finally, because I don't want this episode to be all complete nonsense without you learning a single fact, so we're going to end this very special episode with what we promised in the beginning.

Speaker 1:

This full moon that I saw rising tonight is called the full buck moon. Now, we obviously name moons for all sorts of reasons that I'm not going to get into, but we also know, as everyone knows, the moon cycle is exactly like the menstrual cycle, and so let's just relax the anti-woo-woo. You think that's coincidence? You think your wife's menstrual cycle is the exact same thing as the moon cycle, by coincidence, or do you think there's something connected? Do you think your wife is a werewolf? That's what I thought. Fuck dude, why is a fucking crazy dude my wife's going crazy, my wife's out of her fucking mind. Dude, how many times you heard that. All right, everybody.

Speaker 1:

Uh, the january moon we've already experienced this. You know I'm not going to go through all of them, but here let's get a couple that you like ready. So the may moon, uh, is called the milk moon. The june moon uh, full, it was this full strawberry moon, and we know that because the strawberries definitely are good in june.

Speaker 1:

The full buck moon is what we just enjoyed tonight and this is where it gets good. August 9th, that peak, sweet melancholy of summer, hopefully when you're taking your two weeks. That's the sturgeon moon, and the sturgeon that's when this large fish that looks like a dinosaur was in the Great Lakes and other major bodies of water, like Lake Champlain, is most readily caught. And then we get into September, and of course that's the corn moon, because we know that the sweet island corn in September. There's nothing better than corn in September. But October, and this is the most famous moon, the harvest moon. On this harvest moon, neil young, we know it, the moon seems to rise on the harvest moon at nearly the same time each night, just 25 to 30 minutes later across the us and only 10 to 20 minutes later for much of Canada and Europe Corn and pumpkin, squash beans and wild rice. They're now ready for gathering.

Speaker 1:

And now my personal favorite, this is my favorite moon. It's a November moon, okay, and it's the full beaver moon. And if anyone says half beaver, quarter beaver, shaved beaver, I hate that. You need to always say I love the full, full beaver, full beaver moon, nothing better.

Speaker 1:

And then December, of course, because you've worshipped the full beaver moon, you've done all your rituals, you've emptied the tank on full beaver moon. You've done all your rituals. You've emptied the tank on full beaver moon. By December you're going to get the full cold moon, and it's never. You know, you've got to wait a whole year for another beaver moon. And this is really the problem with winter is that you kind of you get this giant, giant flooding of of lunar beaver energy and then it's just over for the next year, and that's always been my main struggle. So to me, november is peak and it's always where I'm happiest. And I suspect that the contestants of Love Island would agree the full beaver moon is their favorite as well, and perhaps we should all get together and create a ritual where we sing songs Eat that kitty, eat that kitty as we dance under the shadows of the full kitty moon. It's time to go to bed, wouldn't you say. Lots of love, wishing you so much joy, peace, adventure, fun, loving kindness. Bye for now.