Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#39 Guided Meditation for High Net Worth Individuals

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 39

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Speaker 1:

Hey everybody, welcome to episode 39 of Starting Stand-Up with David Walton. I missed you. I'm going to be honest with you. I've missed you. It's been a whole week since we've last gotten together. So much has happened that I don't remember, but I am thrilled to be talking with you. We've had a great day. We've got some fun ideas about what to do. Tonight it's 9.17 pm. I've had an excellent summer day.

Speaker 1:

I'm struggling with a little thing called plantar fasciitis and this is something that most people now that I have it and I'm telling people about it seems that a lot of people have experienced with this horrible situation where, basically, the tightness of your calves, that fascial muscle tissue, extends down your calf, through your Achilles heel, around your heel and through the arch of your foot, and what's happening is, whether I have tight calves or whatever may be, I'm in a tremendous amount of pain. Two days ago I crawled in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, which isn't like I could have hobbled to the bathroom. But what happens is as you sleep, your plantar fasciitis gets worse because basically, as you sleep, as you've noticed, your foot kind of hangs, you know, and plantar fasciitis likes tension on the arch. But when it hangs, when your foot, your toes, kind of curl lower, it starts to tighten. And so when you step in the middle of the night to do your middle-aged pee-pee, it is a tremendous beautiful searing pain. And so the other night I decided to crawl and what was interesting about that is sort of that mid-sleep crawl where you kind of don't even realize you're crawling, but then you're sort of in a half-dream state but you're like I'm crawling to the bathroom. Now, in my experience it's crawling to the toilet has always come when you have been over served.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you want to know, my situation is that I vomited from alcohol consumption a number of times in my adult life. In my adult life, now obviously college, whatever we forgive and we forget. But there's something very special about puking when you have kids, you know, and puking just vomiting so hard when you have tremendous responsibility, when you have tremendous responsibility. When you have tremendous responsibilities, you know, because while you're vomiting on your living room floor and you're feeling like the coldness of the wood floor, you're, you're dying for the coldness of the floor just to help you ground yourself while the world spins above you While you vom. You're also conscious enough to think if my kids saw me now, what sort of horrific repercussions would happen from this. How would this change their life? And I remember vomiting.

Speaker 1:

So I had a night a couple summers ago. What happens to me is this I'll be keeping it clean. You know what I mean. I'll be right there with everybody. You know you have a few cocktails before dinner. You have a nice dinner. You know it's fun. Few cocktails before dinner. You have a nice dinner. You know it's fun. It's a fun dinner.

Speaker 1:

So people are laughing, everyone's having a good time. And then maybe you'll, maybe you'll say let's get a little more wine going. And then, and then what? What ends up happening is I start pushing. I want everyone to get extremely inebriated, just so you know, maybe I can feel better with myself, or maybe it's because I just want everyone to do something that's noteworthy, that makes this night a little more special. The why doesn't really matter. All I know is that I like to push people to do things they wouldn't normally do. I like to peer pressure people and I like to make adults do really stupid things. But what ends up happening is that I'll pour a little cocky poo, I'll pour a little wine for people and we'll get it going.

Speaker 1:

And then, inevitably, someone busts out some sort of cannabis situation. Maybe it's an edible edible, maybe it's a joint, maybe it's. This is all summertime, and because I'm just feeling the flow and I'm feeling that energy of like, let's just go. Um, I'll end up, you know, at like midnight ingesting, uh, an edible that I know better. Like I, I'm a sensitive guy. Now I can't have more than two milligrams of cannabis without feeling a little out out over my skis. And so in this particular night, someone handed me like a five milligram thing. I just chowed it and then maybe I nibbled on another one and it was great for a while.

Speaker 1:

But by the time I got home, the whole world was spinning. I mean, it was whatever the surface of the earth is as it rotates. I felt like I was going 365,000 miles per hour, and so I puked everywhere. I just vombed all over the hardwood floor, hardwood floor. And I just remember, in that state of wretched, wretched pain, where, where, where, the the pain is so deep that you're vomiting and it's only because the marijuana has taken control of your brain. Like I haven't vombed on just alcohol since, probably in my 20s. It's just when you combine it with that mysterious cannabis plant. That's when the vom and the spins happen.

Speaker 1:

So, anyway, what was I talking about? Anyway, welcome to Starting Stand Up. It's going to be a great show. It's going to be loose, as you can tell, and I really appreciate you being here. Oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. Yeah, so I realized. What I was saying is that crawling from the plantar fasciitis was bringing me back. It's very interesting being sober and crawling on the floor First time I've ever done it. But again, you know you're smelling the floor.

Speaker 1:

As you get around the toilet you start to smell a little bit more clearly. You know the fact that urine, urine, urine escapes if you're a man, and I'm going to digress here for a second. But if you're a man and you urinate standing up, I just want to make something very clear urine shrapnel, urine is, I would say, hundreds of particles of urine-soaked water are splashing out of the toilet. The fact that women tolerate this is one of the great mysteries of earth. If you are married, if you're a woman listening right now, you have my full support of demanding unless you have a urinal at home, which you probably don't demanding that your husband and your children, who are male piss. Sitting down, it is a no-brainer. First of all, in the middle of the night you don't have to turn the lights on and fuck up your circadian rhythms, so you should sit down. But watching the shrapnel of urine escape the toilet and then crawling with your plantar fasciitis and smelling around the toilet every single human being listening to this show's toilets if your man is standing up pissing within two to three feet of the toilet is literally urine-soaked tile.

Speaker 1:

And this isn't an exaggeration, guys. So this is one of those things. Like you know how everyone's just like what the fuck? We didn't put wheels on luggage until like 1991 or like maybe the late 80s. I could get the year wrong, but like wheels on luggage all of human history. And it wasn't until like the late 80s that it became a thing I remember.

Speaker 1:

Growing up I came from a big family. We would have on our family trips checking into a plane. I'm one of seven kids, I'm not fucking with you. You'd pull up into Logan Airport. Old man Walton would hand the luggage guy a 20 for 25 bags, 25 duffels, no wheels, and he would throw it on the cart and we would go. The fact that there are, that there were no wheels in the mid 80s is shocking, and that is how I think about urinating standing up in a home. Now I think in 30 years people are going to be like dad, you did what. You stood there at six foot four or five foot nine, I mean not even. I mean if you're five one, go ahead, go ahead and piss in the toilet. But if you're a little bit taller than that, I will tell you right now, the amount of urine shrapnel is unconscionable and should not be tolerated by the female sex. I've said it, I've said my piece, you understand me and I do hope you'll change.

Speaker 1:

Another thing, if we're going to stick on toilets, that I really want to talk about is the wiping front to back or the wiping back to front. This has been covered on a lot of podcasts. One podcast I listened to completely changed the game and I think in the next episode I'll get into it. But I just want everyone to just to make a small note. When you go number two, when you go number two, do you stand up to wipe? Do you lift your cheek and wipe, grundle to back, you know going backwards or do you stay on the toilet and wipe towards your ball sack, and these are the three options as far as I'm concerned, and you'll be shocked to know that there's a lot of disagreement about this.

Speaker 1:

I'm not going to weigh in right now. I have made a huge shift in my life. I'm doing something that I never thought I would do. The jury's still out, but I just want you to know that I'm 46 and I'm still open to new ideas about how to keep a clean asshole, and so that's one thing. So one of the things that I care very deeply about is helping underappreciated groups, people who have been forgotten by society, people who have been written off, people who absorb a tremendous amount of hatred and loathing and aversion, and I think one of the biggest purposes of my life is to lend a hand to these groups, and that's why I have written and am performing and am sharing this meditation for high net worth individuals.

Speaker 1:

Okay, everybody, just take your seat, find a position that is comfortable but alert, close your eyes and take a deep cleansing breath and, as you inhale, feel the rarefied air of your position in the top 0.001% and, as you exhale, release the weight of your offshore counts, the weight of your offshore accounts. Let your awareness settle on your breath, just as your lawyer settles your tax affairs. There is no past, no future, only this moment in your diversified portfolio. Notice any tension you're holding in your body. Perhaps it's in your shoulders from carrying the burden of everyone's expectations. Maybe it's in your jaw from forcing smiles at Charity Gallus, or maybe it's in your clicking finger from declining Venmo requests. Whatever tension you find, just observe it without judgment. Like you, observe the help.

Speaker 1:

Now bring your attention any thoughts arising. Let's watch them float by like zeros in your bank account. And if you find yourself dwelling on that hedge fund manager who made 2% more than you last quarter, simply label it thinking, thinking, thinking. And return to your breath. And as we deepen into stillness, scan your body for any residual anxiety. Maybe it's the fear that your children will become entitled trust fund babies or the gnawing suspicion that your new friends only laugh at your jokes because of your NetJets membership. Remember these are just thoughts. They have no more reality than the story you tell the IRS about your primary residence. Now visualize yourself as a vast ocean of abundance. The waves of market volatility may come and go on the surface, but in your depths there is only calm and several shell companies. And take another deep breath and feel the pure peace that comes from knowing that, even if you lose 99% of your wealth, you'll still be richer than everyone you went to high school with.

Speaker 1:

Now, as we prepare to end this practice, set an intention for your day. Maybe it's to finally learn the names of your household staff, or perhaps it's to stop checking your net worth every 15 minutes. Whatever arises, hold it with gentle awareness and, when you're ready, slowly open your eyes, returning to your 48,000 square foot present moment Namaste, and remember enlightenment, like everything else, is just an Amazon purchase away. Wow, that was fun. Now, look, I think I've stumbled onto something. Well, I know I've stumbled onto something. I am going to continue to do these kinds of things. We're going to combine woo-woo with irreverence and you're going to either tune in or tune out, but this is what I'm doing because it's so fun. It's so fun for me.

Speaker 1:

I really, really want to make something very clear to all of you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. If you are listening, if you have made it to the end of this episode, I cannot tell you how happy that makes me that you would spend your precious time on earth listening to this nonsense means the world to me. I thank you for being here and I genuinely wish you this week, this beautiful third week of July, so much joy, so much fun. It's summer. This is the time. Make horrible decisions. Forget about your health, forget about your habits, forget about all the things that you should be doing and just go. Go with what you enjoy, what you love. Stop listening to that voice in your head that tells you to stop drinking and tells you not to ingest the 10-milli cannabis edible at 1 in the morning. I promise you no one's going to see the VOM. You're going to clean it up before your kids wake up, but you're going to have a story I love you. Go, take what's yours and I'll see you next week. Thank you.