Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#42 Tickles ,Tennis, and TRT

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 42

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0:00 | 19:10

Embracing End-of-Summer Debauchery

Speaker 1

This is that final little sweet , melancholy stretch of a summer where you have full license to let the wheels completely come off of your life . Really , lean in to that person you're trying not to become , just become him or her . All those sort of id , those primal instincts . I'm not saying torture life , I'm not saying you know , go have an affair or anything like that . I'm just saying lean in to the debauchery that you know you want , that maybe , just maybe you need oh man , that's rubbish . That's rubbish .

Speaker 1

If you're listening to this for the first time , don't worry , you haven't missed anything .

The Search for Stand-Up Material

Speaker 1

There's nothing you need to go back for . There's nothing you need to catch up on . What you're about to hear is a man searching for material for stand-up sets , and the way he searches is by revealing things about his life that he finds he's compelled to talk about . And then , over throughout that process , that process becomes apparent what might be funny , what might have a lot of potential for good material . And so what you've stumbled on and what I hope you'll stick around for , is just me having a nice little chatty mcgillicuddy with you , scotty McGillicuddy with you , where we almost together figure out , you know , areas to bring to the greater world as many laughs as possible . It's been a tough day , it's been a little depressing , you know . I think what I really want to talk about is that for the middle-aged people out there , there comes a time in your life where you basically just want to be a 10-year-old , and so , at least for me , what I loved to do when I was 10 was play tennis , feel a rush of adrenaline , hang out with my friends and feel like I was right on the edge of breaking the rules . You know , right on the edge of mischief that there were stakes , there was danger in the air . And if you actually study , like Joseph Campbell , who wrote A Hero with a Thousand Faces , profoundly , a profound book , his level of insight into psychology , the human condition , myth , archetypes , is without parallel . The movie Star Wars wouldn't have been written without Joseph Campbell .

Speaker 1

What I'm trying to say if you've ever heard the expression follow your bliss , that is a Joseph Campbell , basically one big idea , and it's exactly a through line from last week's episode , which is like what do you enjoy ? How do I , as a father , as a householder responsible for food and shelter , muster the energy to do anything other than the most enjoyable hobbies Tennis , golf , backgammon , hanging with friends , a new skill . You know it's

Middle-Age and the Quest for Bliss

Speaker 1

funny as I say this out loud , and this is why this is so valuable . I realize that there's something very missing in this . A hobbied life is nice , but maybe there's just no huge dream there . There's not enough of a quest , there's not enough of a hero's journey in the kind of pleasure zones we need to be tested more . The problem is , when I play tennis , for example , I feel extremely tested . When I play backgammon , I feel like my whole life is hanging in the balance . If I don't roll a five and a one right now , I'm gonna lose $5 . And it doesn't even matter about the money . It's just somehow that $5 feels so big that I'm getting the sweats . That's crazy , that's nuts , if you really think about it . And me and my friend group call these the tickles . We're chasing tickles , which sounds super molesty . I think that is the theme that's going on right now in life . We're just chasing tickles , and they're super easy tickles . You know , you could log on to DraftKings right now and bet a super uncomfortable amount of money on some game that you've never watched and all of a sudden you're going to be tickled to death for the next two hours . That's not what I'm talking about . Not at all , anyway . Food for thought . So , without further ado , today we're going to be talking about the things that happened this week that are , well , pretty unprecedented in my life . I mean , I'm going to be honest with you . I've done enough hallucinogenics where I think a doctor , I was already an impressionable person , meaning I was always suggestible from a young age .

Speaker 1

I do tell a story . At one point my sister convinced me she was at she had braces . At the time she was 15 years old . She convinced me that she was . She had dentures because I had found some denture cleaning tablets underneath her sink . And I said why do you have denture cleaning tablets ? And she said because I have dentures , and without I was 12 years old , said without , without skipping a beat , I go , can you take them out , like ? I fully believed her . And she was like I can't . They clean them every three months , but because of the braces on my dentures , like I had . No , there was nothing suspicious about some a 15 year old girl with dentures , with braces on them . I just believed her , I just believed people and I have always believed people and I've had to fight it for so long .

Speaker 1

It's sort of a sense of why would people lie ? Why would you lie ? Why would you lie to me about having dentures ? And the answer is because my older sister is evil . Now she's a wonderful , beautiful , beautiful , loving person , but she too has a little bit of mischief . So , anyway , I've always been somewhat suggestible , and now I have to stop the tape to go back to why I started talking about this . This is where we're at in our life so suggestibility .

Speaker 1

So , one of my best friends , I made a mistake last week . I said a full name . I got permission to keep the full name , but we're not going to do that anymore . It's none of anyone's business who I'm talking about , but I will say that I have been circling TRT

Hollywood Bodies and Testosterone

Speaker 1

. Trt stands for testosterone replacement therapy . Now I'm 46 . In my circles , in the acting circles , in Hollywood circles , trt is such old news . I mean , the amount of testosterone that actors are on is so beyond .

Speaker 1

You know there's a great story about like these physiques that you see on the big screen that you enjoy these characters they're playing , maybe they're , you know , a night security guard , and then they take their shirt off and they're super yoked . It's like their life . In order to be that , shredded and yoked is like three hours in the gym eating fucking chicken and broccoli out of tupperware every night , like people say they're method actors . It's like , come on , man , dude , you're you . You can't be that yoked and not just have the most boring fucking life on earth . Just so disciplined , no joy at the dining table , no , fuck it energy when , when feasting , you're just a little fucking bitch getting all shredded so you can look good on the screen as you , as you starting to .

Speaker 1

I'm trying to bring back , kind of bring back a little bit more of a soft vibe to hollywood . I'm not saying that , like I'm not saying that paul newman and robert redford weren't beautiful men who were nice and cut back in the 60s and 70s . But it's gotten insane . You know these men's pecs , these titties that are just kind of like you know , an inch out like bubble butting , full bubble butt , titty shredded . I mean , are we really into this ? There's that whole theory about like trickle down . You know , like when the muscle mags , like arnold . If you go back to pumping iron , which is crazy I love early arnold , I mean what a beautiful looking man , I mean really , really handsome . But if you watch pumping iron or his early stuff , conan the barbarian , even hercules um , he is . He . By today's standards , he's almost just like ho-hum . Like this is Arnold Schwarzenegger and he's ho-hum by today's standards .

Speaker 1

Like people are fucking losing their shit . Like I'm in the gym , I'm going . Who finds this shit attractive ? You know like what ? It's cuckoo's nest out there . And then if you really ask people , microphone , like hand on the Bible , like what do you find attractive in a man ? It's gonna be like a , like a lean six foot one . You know , midfielder for chelsea in the premier league . You know , just like shredded , strong , fit , nimble , great haircut . You know , like this , this whole , like yokeville . Like who are these people that ? Like this ? It's got to be social media and something like just like .

Speaker 1

Like even my son and I'm really fighting the urge to not spend this entire episode talking about my son , but this is a huge moment in a man's life my daughter , like there's a simplicity there . I'm like , yep , she's becoming a woman . You know my job is to just like treat her , just love on her so much , you know , make sure she feels so good about everything , and then yell at her occasionally about being a lazy good for nothing human . You know what I mean , but most of the time , be really , really supportive . But my son , you know , I'm becoming my dad , like this summer , everyone's .

Speaker 1

I've got these injuries , okay , and I'm hobbling around . I've got plantar fasciitis . I now have tennis elbow . All I care about is is these sort of meaningless tournaments in August and I can't plan them and I'm just fighting off the demons of depression because I can't . You know , I feel like an Olympic athlete that you know is missing the games because you know he just just didn't take care of his body . You know , but obviously these aren't the Olympics .

Speaker 1

This is , this is a nothing burger , but but what's so fun is making it , making it not a nothing burger , making it just as big as Wimbledon , and I think about it all the time . I want it . I want it so bad . And now I have to sit this thing out , and I'm not a spring chicken , I mean , next year I'm going to be 47 . I'm running out of time , running out of time , and so again I have to go back to what I was just talking about to get my

Becoming My Father

Speaker 1

train of thought . Excuse me , that's right , I'm becoming my dad , and not only this is going to gross you out , but sometimes you'll lay a fart and you'll be like that's how my dad smelled and you're like my GI system is morphing into my father .

Speaker 1

It's's a really , really , really dark moment in your life and I know you've been there and anyway . So I'm looking at my son and I'm going . He's going to become an absolute degenerate in about three years . He's 11 . But I'm seeing it Like right now he's like Dad , I need to watch Ted . Somehow . I let him watch Ted 1. , then the next night I let him watch Ted 1. , then the next night I let him watch Ted 2 . He's currently watching Ted , the television series .

Speaker 1

The amount of and if you haven't seen it , I mean you know it's extremely funny , but it's also just so dirty and so expletive-laden and so much drug reference and I'm just like , why am I letting an 11-year-old watch ? A bear like rip , bong hits , you know , and there's just a creep coming in in my life of giving less and less fucks . It's approaching nihilism , that's just a word , but there's a sense of okay , like , do I think forbidding my son to watch Ted , the tv series or the movies is going to have a substantive impact on his journey through life ? Is it going to mean anything ? Perhaps it will mean everything because you don't know . You think you're doing the right thing as a parent . But I've listened to enough podcasts and I've read enough biographies to know when lightning strikes for people who find their bliss to bring it back .

Speaker 1

And who am I to say that louis isn't gonna watch ted and be like I am gonna make it my life mission to bring a teddy bear back to life kidding , I'm gonna make it my life mission to write comedy , uh , to make movies , to start stalking mark walberg . You never know , it could be bad , it could be good , but you don't know . And there's one guy I follow , incredibly smart , like probably one of the smartest human beings on the planet , and he is a firm believer in letting your kids do everything they want , always . And he has , like , if you listen , he has this pretty powerful argument which I may have to devote some episode time to at a future date . But I mean , can you fucking imagine just no rules , like maybe they bleed out on their addiction to video games ? It's a balls move . There's some parents doing it Like conscientious parents who are just going that route .

Speaker 1

Anyway , the becoming your father is a good subject that I do think we can milk for material Becoming your mother . I mean the amount of times I want to say , man , you know , as people approach me like , yeah , dave , you're , you're walking just like your dad . You're really reminding me of your dad this summer . My dad's 85 and is in a wheelchair and I also found out that that I think that genuinely my wife is , is is not psyched at how hobbled I am , meaning she's a very compassionate person and if I'm ever injured or I'm ever in a vulnerable position , I definitely get some like Florence Nightingale vibes , almost to the point where I want to fake it .

Speaker 1

But this time because I'm hobbling so much and I'm wearing a very baggy pleated khaki . That's so comfortable , and I read that pleats are back and baggies back , so I'm really leaning into it . I look like a prepubescent prep school kid , you know , who just can't fill out a khaki , but it's so comfortable , I'm going to stick with it all summer . But my point is it was the first time my wife was like all summer . But my point is it was the first time my wife was like , do you do you know how pissed you would be if I was like hobbling around like an old woman this summer ? And then she was right , you know what I mean . Men want their wives looking good . So , yeah , I'm just gonna get cortisone shots , um , I'm getting injected with the wolverine stack and some testosterone replacement therapy All by , I guess , the next episode , so the announcement today , and I think there's going to be a nice beautiful evolution here .

Speaker 1

You're going to you've been listening either this is your first episode or many but you've been listening to a guy with reasonably mid to low testosterone numbers . Within a few weeks , you're going to be listening to a podcast with a guy with 90th percentile T , high T . Now , does that mean I'm just going to be like beating off the entire time I'm recording ? I certainly hope not , and I do promise you that if that ever happens , I will tell you . But I think some change is afoot . I am just going to medically experiment with myself to bring it back , because I just want to play

Medical Experiments and Future Plans

Speaker 1

in the last tournament of the season , which is in 10 days . So I'm currently , for all my injuries , I'm doing acupuncture , pt , human growth hormone and testosterone and I'm doing everything I can to get back on the court .

Speaker 1

And the last teaser I'll give you is that I'm a huge Howard Stern fan . He's probably the one celebrity that when he dies or retires , but really when he dies . I anticipate when Howard Stern dies , that I will fall , I will cry and I will fall into a profound depression that that light is no longer in the world to share his brain . And if you're not a Howard fan , I totally get it . But for my money nobody touches the guy . Nobody touches him , and it's part of the reason why I never listened to any other podcast is because you know there's 12 hours of Howard a week that I got to cover . So who's got the time ?

Speaker 1

But Robin Quivers has been his sidekick . She's an absolutely beautifully fun , welcoming black woman who's been with him since the very earliest days , started as a newswoman . He started vibing with her and we're going to do I'm going to do a little experiment , because there's someone that I've known my whole life that maybe I don't think , realistically speaking , every episode we could have it happen , but as someone who , just you know , will splice up the droning of my voice over and over and over , I won't reveal who it is , but I'm just teasing it and , yeah , I'm excited . So that's what we got for this week . Once again , I'm just wishing you a little bit different this I wish you peace and I wish you love and I wish you connection . But I definitely wish you a little bit more debauchery , a little more wildness . Whatever that part of you , that wolf , that bad wolf , that mischievous wolf , this is the couple weeks to throw it a little piece of meat in the cage . See you next week .