Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#43- The Coldplay Scandal

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 43

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0:00 | 8:10

Introduction to Meditation Series

Speaker 1

Okay , I'm very excited about this episode . It's short , it's sweet , but I got a text message from a dear , dear friend of mine We'll just call him Austin that is actually his name , but I've learned not to do last names but he was listening to some shows and we've been talking about this . We've been talking comedy since we went to high school together , so this is 25 , 30 years . We went to high school together , so this is 25 , 30 years . But , as longtime listeners will know , I have done a number of meditations for degenerates , whether it's someone mindfully doing cocaine , mindfully being just obscenely and offensively rich we had talked about for a while .

Speaker 1

This is a rich area , there's a lot of possibility here , and you know I get scatterbrained . I'm a scatterbrained person . I never kind of remember what I was excited about , and so it takes good friends to kind of bring me back . And so Austin told me about , he reminded me essentially that there's something very fertile here , and so it's really a . It's sort of a , if you had to macro it , it's like meditations for degenerates . You know really obscene , absurd situations . You know really obscene , absurd situations . My first idea which is just too , I think , dark for this but may happen was just like meditation for , like , a closeted gay man who goes to thailand to fuck man boys , that's a little extreme , uh , to begin so , we're going to start with something that's , you know , very of topic , and this is a meditation for people having work affairs , which was all due all credit , was an Austin idea and is an Austin idea , but we then , kind of , I had been thinking a lot about this insane situation of the Boston CEO getting busted at the Coldplay concert , and so it felt like something we could merge a little bit . So we're in the weeds here , you're behind the scenes , but this is a meditation for people about to have a work affair and ruin

Behind the Concept

Speaker 1

their life . Please enjoy . I'm not coming back after the meditation . It's deep August and we all have a lot to do , and so I hope you'll forgive me , but I'll preempt by saying it's so fun to be here with you , I love you and I really , really am so appreciative that you're listening and , um , take a moment , close your eyes and and just meditate on an extramarital affair with a work colleague . Please enjoy . Oh man , that's rubbish

Work Affair Meditation Begins

Speaker 1

. That's rubbish . Alright , thank you for joining us . Meditation for those about to have a work affair and go to a Coldplay concert . I just want everyone to just take a deep breath and settle into your ergonomic Hampton Inn desk chair and I appreciate that this desk chair from Hampton Inn has witnessed a hundred , maybe a thousand other justifications just like yours justifications just like yours and feel and appreciate the synthetic fabric against your skin as artificial as your . That's a really great point , brad .

Speaker 1

During his to our presentation on synergy , let your awareness just rest on your breath in and out , noticing how it quickens every time you get a text from your spouse back home and simply observe those guilt feelings arise , just energy in your gut , and then mindfully release them into the $24 airport Toblerone you've already categorized as client entertainment . And now we're gonna bring attention to just any tension in your body . Notice the residual tightness in your core from sucking in your gut during the mandatory fun run and feel the weight of your wedding ring , which can always be mindfully transferred to your laptop bag . After all , the Buddha taught us that attachment to metal objects leads to suffering . And now scan your body for just any anxious thoughts that are arising . Perhaps it's .

Mindful Guilt and Justifications

Speaker 1

If it happens in central time , does it affect karma in Eastern Time ? Is it technically cheating if we're both crying about Q3 projections . Simply observe these thoughts without judgment , like you'll observe yourself mass-deleting Teams messages at 6am . And now let's feel into the present moment . You're just . You're just a CEO and an HR girl who found unexpected connection during the fall backward into adultery . Trust , exercise and notice how the just the harsh fluorescent lighting of the conference center makes the wedding ring practically invisible .

Speaker 1

And as we deepen into this practice , set an intention for your evening at Coldplay . Maybe it's to explore that spark you felt during the Building Better Boundaries workshop . Or perhaps it's to convince yourself that what happens at the Holiday Inn Express stays as a tax write-off . And when you're ready , slowly open your eyes , returning to this moment of perfect clarity . And with eyes open ,

The Coldplay Concert Finale

Speaker 1

just take one final mindful breath , as Chris Martin himself points out your desperate duck for cover to 20,000 people , and then express gratitude for tik-tok as it does what tik-tok does best . Perhaps this is what the Buddha meant by all things are temporary , especially your , your marriage and your job and your ability to ever listen to . Fix you by Coldplay again , without shitting yourself , thank you .