Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#43- The Coldplay Scandal

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 43

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Speaker 1:

Okay, I'm very excited about this episode. It's short, it's sweet, but I got a text message from a dear, dear friend of mine We'll just call him Austin that is actually his name, but I've learned not to do last names but he was listening to some shows and we've been talking about this. We've been talking comedy since we went to high school together, so this is 25, 30 years. We went to high school together, so this is 25, 30 years. But, as longtime listeners will know, I have done a number of meditations for degenerates, whether it's someone mindfully doing cocaine, mindfully being just obscenely and offensively rich we had talked about for a while.

Speaker 1:

This is a rich area, there's a lot of possibility here, and you know I get scatterbrained. I'm a scatterbrained person. I never kind of remember what I was excited about, and so it takes good friends to kind of bring me back. And so Austin told me about, he reminded me essentially that there's something very fertile here, and so it's really a. It's sort of a, if you had to macro it, it's like meditations for degenerates. You know really obscene, absurd situations. You know really obscene, absurd situations. My first idea which is just too, I think, dark for this but may happen was just like meditation for, like, a closeted gay man who goes to thailand to fuck man boys, that's a little extreme, uh, to begin so, we're going to start with something that's, you know, very of topic, and this is a meditation for people having work affairs, which was all due all credit, was an Austin idea and is an Austin idea, but we then, kind of, I had been thinking a lot about this insane situation of the Boston CEO getting busted at the Coldplay concert, and so it felt like something we could merge a little bit. So we're in the weeds here, you're behind the scenes, but this is a meditation for people about to have a work affair and ruin their life. Please enjoy. I'm not coming back after the meditation. It's deep August and we all have a lot to do, and so I hope you'll forgive me, but I'll preempt by saying it's so fun to be here with you, I love you and I really, really am so appreciative that you're listening and, um, take a moment, close your eyes and and just meditate on an extramarital affair with a work colleague. Please enjoy. Oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. Alright, thank you for joining us. Meditation for those about to have a work affair and go to a Coldplay concert. I just want everyone to just take a deep breath and settle into your ergonomic Hampton Inn desk chair and I appreciate that this desk chair from Hampton Inn has witnessed a hundred, maybe a thousand other justifications just like yours justifications just like yours and feel and appreciate the synthetic fabric against your skin as artificial as your. That's a really great point, brad.

Speaker 1:

During his to our presentation on synergy, let your awareness just rest on your breath in and out, noticing how it quickens every time you get a text from your spouse back home and simply observe those guilt feelings arise, just energy in your gut, and then mindfully release them into the $24 airport Toblerone you've already categorized as client entertainment. And now we're gonna bring attention to just any tension in your body. Notice the residual tightness in your core from sucking in your gut during the mandatory fun run and feel the weight of your wedding ring, which can always be mindfully transferred to your laptop bag. After all, the Buddha taught us that attachment to metal objects leads to suffering. And now scan your body for just any anxious thoughts that are arising. Perhaps it's. If it happens in central time, does it affect karma in Eastern Time? Is it technically cheating if we're both crying about Q3 projections. Simply observe these thoughts without judgment, like you'll observe yourself mass-deleting Teams messages at 6am. And now let's feel into the present moment. You're just. You're just a CEO and an HR girl who found unexpected connection during the fall backward into adultery. Trust, exercise and notice how the just the harsh fluorescent lighting of the conference center makes the wedding ring practically invisible.

Speaker 1:

And as we deepen into this practice, set an intention for your evening at Coldplay. Maybe it's to explore that spark you felt during the Building Better Boundaries workshop. Or perhaps it's to convince yourself that what happens at the Holiday Inn Express stays as a tax write-off. And when you're ready, slowly open your eyes, returning to this moment of perfect clarity. And with eyes open, just take one final mindful breath, as Chris Martin himself points out your desperate duck for cover to 20,000 people, and then express gratitude for tik-tok as it does what tik-tok does best. Perhaps this is what the Buddha meant by all things are temporary, especially your, your marriage and your job and your ability to ever listen to. Fix you by Coldplay again, without shitting yourself, thank you.