Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#44 - Puberty

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 44

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Speaker 1:

Well, everybody, here we are again. Summer, that sweet melancholy that I've been talking about since summer began, is finally upon us. Some cold fall north winds are rustling through the leaves. If you look closely, a few of those leaves are starting to tinge and crisp up on the edges. Tinge and crisp up on the edges. Fall fast approaches. How was your summer? Great, glad to hear it. How's your liver? Yeah, me too. Me too Laughter.

Speaker 2:

Music.

Speaker 1:

Music, music oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. Well, as you can probably tell, I am suffering from psoriasis of the liver that's undiagnosed. I don't believe I actually do have psoriasis of the liver, but I will say that all my lack of sleep and this summer's activities have finally caught up with me and we're not doing well. Physically. We are not well, and so, because I need to take care of me, I'm taking care of me. I'm going to just do a very short, simple episode where I talk about puberty for a brief moment. I believe there's a bit here and we're going to work it out. But, of course, because this is starting stand-up and this is just a spitball area, I am going to just share a little bit of what I did and you can tell me if it made you laugh out loud any of it, and then you can wish me well, you can send healing, healing thoughts towards me, and then I'll be back better than ever. And this fall is going to be great, because we're going to put together the summer's content and we're going to shape it into just a world-class stand-up set that is going to rocket ship me to the top of the game, to the top of the heap the game to the top of the heap. Oh, watch out Chris Rock. Here I come, all right, wishing you healing if you are also suffering from psoriasis.

Speaker 1:

I discovered some writing. I did. I'm really happy I discovered it because it's about puberty and I've always loved puberty. I love puberty. No, my kids are right on the edge. Things are happening and that's really when my memory came online and as I was thinking about puberty and what an absolute horror show it is for people's appearances and just it's almost like a the great mutator I thought what would puberty be like if, like it was a drug dealer? You know what I mean. Like if puberty was personified in a dark alley? I'm not sure you would take the drugs right, because puberty is basically it's. It's it's in the street corner and he's pushing, he's like, he's like hey little boy.

Speaker 2:

You want a little testosterone. You want a little growth hormone. Come on, baby. Come on over here. This shit's going to make you huge dude. Your dick's going to grow, bro. You want your dick to grow? Come on over. You want to get yoked? You want some bolder shoulders? Come on over here, man. I got what you need.

Speaker 1:

I got straight pituitary gland right here. You want to start smelling like shit. You want your mom to no longer hug you because you got bo. Come on, you want to get rock hard in the middle of the day for no reason. I got you, I got you. And it's a huge risk, man, if you go into that dark alley and you say yes to puberty, I mean you're taking a huge gamble Because most kids are so cute. You know, I can't tell I'm not going to name names, but like you know that person, when they were 11, 12, they were cute. It was like oh, wow. And then all of a sudden, dude, their nose just grows twice as big and just starts glistening with oil and little pus mountains. Come on, man, you want some pus mountains that'll explode and bleed when you touch them. You want uncontrollable mood swings, you want. You want hey, come on over here. You want to hate your parents and lash out at them for no reason.

Speaker 1:

You want to start crying and not know why I got you, I got you, I think the bit is there. Like if puberty was optional, you know, would you do it? Oh, little Jimmy's so cute. He's giving me one handsome boy. So I pump the brakes on little Jimmy. Little Jimmy looks like a horse colt with some sort of skin rash.